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(   Timothy, the alcoholic war-hero tortoise, has died   ( divider line
    More: Sad, wars  
•       •       •

13778 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Apr 2004 at 8:43 PM (13 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

77 Comments     (+0 »)

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2004-04-08 04:20:13 PM  
He was a mascot on British naval ship HMS Queen, which bombarded Sebastopol in 1854 ... as part of the Crimean War.

That's messin' with my mind, man.

RIP, old guy.
2004-04-08 04:32:31 PM  
"My name is Timothy. I am very old - please do not pick me up."

Oh man, I SO need one of these signs to hang around my neck!
2004-04-08 04:37:18 PM  
"He had been quite frail lately so it was no great surprise, but we are all very upset. He has always been part of the furniture."

quite literally, now that he's, you know, dead.
2004-04-08 04:42:18 PM  
RIP, poor Timothy. We hardly knew ye.
2004-04-08 05:04:28 PM  
"My name is Timothy. I am very old -TIMMY- please do not -TIMMY- pick me up."

wil [TotalFark]
2004-04-08 06:53:03 PM  
I heard about this guy who saw a turtle, once.
2004-04-08 07:55:11 PM  
Yeah, but did he ever go head-to-head with the Mario Bros.?
2004-04-08 08:48:17 PM  
Awesome - quite a life for a tortoise.
2004-04-08 08:49:56 PM  
I can't wrap my mind around it either. I'll live to be 75 if I'm lucky, and there are Cypresses in Lebanon that are more than a thousand years old ... and this little guy was crawling about the earth before the Civil War. It's all just a flicker...
2004-04-08 08:50:17 PM  
I saw a turtle.
2004-04-08 08:51:07 PM  
Damn! There goes my bet in the office pool!

/yep, I am a dweeb
2004-04-08 08:54:01 PM  
Heh, my grandparents had a tortoise named Mike that was at least 100 years old. Tortoises are some odd things to have as a "pet," that's for sure. They actually get colds and runny noses and shiat. Truly bizarre creatures.

Poor ol' Mike wasn't a veteran, though...
2004-04-08 08:54:31 PM  
Heart touching story, but it needed a [hero] tag.
2004-04-08 08:56:19 PM  
I was hoping that it would evolve into that again, insane_idoru
2004-04-08 08:56:48 PM  

Obscure? I can't find the source of that line anywhere. Oh well.
2004-04-08 09:00:23 PM  
Oh man, I SO need one of these signs to hang around my neck!

Sadly, some of us don't need a sign instructing people not to pick us up.
2004-04-08 09:01:16 PM  
An attempt to mate him in 1926 ended in failure, after which it was established that Timothy was female.

So, why refer to the tortoise as he? I mean, they've known that the tortoise is a she for 78 years.

2004-04-08 09:01:52 PM  
True tortoise story: I visited a botanical garden in Barbados in which many monkeys and tortoises lived. I thought it might be mating season for the tortoises, because everywhere I looking they were boinking. Seeing a single tortoise was rare, they were coupled which is very silly sight.

I read the guest log as I was leaving, and it was hilarious. Apparently all seasons are mating season to tortoises, because there were at least two boinking tortoise comments on every page, sometimes many, many more.

Monkey sidenote: Despite many posted warning about monkey thievery, the guest log had numerous complaints about monkeys stealing this or that item. One entry said "monkey stole my raybans." The next entry read " Monkey sold me raybans. Ten dollars."

The Barbados botanical gardens is a pretty funny place.
2004-04-08 09:04:08 PM  
Haha, gotta love botany fans with a sense of humor
2004-04-08 09:05:38 PM  
[image from too old to be available]

Mortise The Safety Tortoise > Timothy The Alcoholic War Hero
2004-04-08 09:06:14 PM  
Reminds me of this time me and my gf were visiting a lady who breeds parrotletts. She was showing us her backyard, and some of the birds she was helped rehabilitate.

We hear this groaning noise, and she says 'Oh, those must be my tortoises. When they mate, they make all kinds of noise."

So we walk over to that part of the yard (curiosity killing the cat here) and turn the corner. She had this part of her yard sectioned off with a wall. We saw 3 large desert tortoises, one of which was having at with another. We laugh. Then the lady sits there, staring. She then says "Oh. Those are the females. The male is in the corner by himself. I wondered why they were louder."

Yeah, we still laugh at that memory.

No wonder this Timothy became an alcoholic... oh wait, he was a SHE.

2004-04-08 09:08:47 PM  
this thread has truly confused and amused me.
2004-04-08 09:11:04 PM  
I weep for the tortoise as I wept for Keiko the whale.
2004-04-08 09:11:31 PM  
I wonder if 150 year old turtles are still OK to eat.
2004-04-08 09:14:06 PM  
That's one kickarse tortoise.

But I'm confused: they say it was established Timothy was a female, yet the entire article refers to Timothy as a male. So which is it?

The Turtle Moves!

/Terry Pratchett
2004-04-08 09:17:11 PM  
DAmmit, I never even got to see this turtle.
2004-04-08 09:20:23 PM  
Anyone remember the "Tippy the Turtle" cartoons from SNL's early days? He had that great theme song:

Hey hey Tippy Turtle walkin' down the street
Tell us what you're gonna do!
First I'm gonna bother everybody in town
Then I think I'll go home and get drunk!
2004-04-08 09:24:51 PM  
missmez, very funny!
2004-04-08 09:26:39 PM  
Poor Timothy, I never ever got a chance to see you.
2004-04-08 09:27:46 PM  
from some turtle nerd's website...

"Males usually do not succeed in mating until they are over 13 inches in length, due to the disparity in sizes between the young male and mature females. When mating does take place, the male begins the procedure by following and circling the female, bobbing his head up and down and sniffing at the female's hind legs. He may attempt to lift her up with the front edge of his shell, presumably to keep her from moving away.

If the female remains stationary the male will mount her from the rear, positioning his tail under and against her tail. He then strikes the lower anal region of his plastron against the rear of the female's carapace by pumping his rear legs in and out. In addition to the noise of their shells striking together, the male will also hiss or grunt at this time. All in all, it can be a fairly noisy procedure!"

hehe...knockin' shells
2004-04-08 09:28:40 PM  
I have a turtle. Hes only got one eye, and i hav eno idea how old he is. if anyone can tell me how i can tell, id be happy to let all know. OH, and how do you tell what sex a turtle is? Id get him.her a signifigant other, but damned if i know.
2004-04-08 09:30:04 PM  
damnit, need to spellcheck while drunk.
2004-04-08 09:33:18 PM  

Saw him in half...he'll have one ring for every year. If a ring is wider than the others, it's a year that he had scabies.
2004-04-08 09:35:43 PM  
Eagan469: Damn that brings back memories. I'd forgotten all about that show. Thanks for that.
2004-04-08 09:36:02 PM  
Unknown_Poltroon, try reading this first.
2004-04-08 09:38:32 PM  
that's awesome...alcoholic pets kick a**
2004-04-08 09:42:14 PM  
Unknown_Poltroon I have a turtle. Hes only got one eye, and i hav eno idea how old he is. if anyone can tell me how i can tell, id be happy to let all know. OH, and how do you tell what sex a turtle is? Id get him.her a signifigant other, but damned if i know.

We have several California Desert Tortoises and it's pretty easy to tell males from females: The plastron (the belly shell) of the female is flat while the males have a concave plastron.
2004-04-08 09:47:47 PM  
Timmy the Turtle, ya know he was Tim.
Timmy the Turtle, he sang for The Grim.
Timmy the Turtle, ya know he was Tim.
Timmy the Turtle.

Too slow, he sat in turtle goo.

Timmy the Turtle, he's givin 'em hell.
Timmy the Turtle, He's out of his shell.
Timmy the Turtle, he's givin' 'em hell.
He's Timmy the Turtle.
2004-04-08 09:53:36 PM  
I'll be first to say it.

Soup's on!

/why, hello there Satan....a window seat you say?
2004-04-08 09:54:40 PM  
"I think I'll go bother everyone I meet, then I'll go home and get drunk."

/Tippy Turtle
2004-04-08 09:59:51 PM  
This comes to mind...
One Foot In The Grave

This version is the actual theme tune to the programme of the same name.
It is sung by Eric Idle

They say I might as well face the truth,
That I am just too long in the tooth,
Oh Im an OAP and with needs,
But I have not yet quite gone to seed.

I may be over the hill now that I have retired,
Fading away but Im not yet expired,
Clapped out, run down, too old to save,
One foot in the grave

Music and lyrics by: Eric Idle

Well if you've ever seen the opning for this "Britcom", it kinda makes sense.
2004-04-08 10:00:49 PM  
I heard that this turtle was Hispanic...because he's from England, which as its root.......hmmm, I can't remember the rest of the explanation....

Little Camel, could you repeat that again?

Everyone go check out the Scalia thread...priceless.
2004-04-08 10:03:23 PM  
Feels like a turtle head is poking out. I gotta go...

But seriously,...RIP Tim. Gotta respect the lil guy. One tough ol' cookie.
2004-04-08 10:10:42 PM  
We have a pet turtle named Petey. I don't know exactly how old he is but we got him when Pete Rose still played for the Phillies. I inherited him from my parents when I moved out of the house 10 years ago.

Last spring my daughter let him out in the back yard. He seems happier out there so we just see him at random times crawling between the bushes.
2004-04-08 10:17:41 PM  
The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over. But it can't. Not without your help. But you're not helping. Why is that, Leon?
2004-04-08 10:21:00 PM  
alcoholic asexual war hero tortoise maybe?
2004-04-08 10:24:07 PM  
A tear drops my eye...
2004-04-08 10:24:23 PM  
Damn, 160 years? That must have been one bored animal.
2004-04-08 10:25:46 PM  
2004-04-08 10:27:31 PM  
When my grandma and her siblings were kids, they would catch turtles in the local stream. After they would catch them, they would carve the year into their shells (no harm to turtle). Well she told me her and her brother found one with the date 1892 and carved the year in it(this is in the 1930s/40s). To finish the story, recently one of their neighbors kids found that turtle.
The Moral? Turtles are the sweetest animals alive

/RIP Timothy
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