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(The New York Observer)   Don't worry, you too can be a bestselling author. You need talent, a good editor, and a strong work ethic. But if you don't have those, you can get by with $3, and five minutes   (observer.com ) divider line
    More: Facepalm, Bestseller, New York Times, book, Amazon, York Times list, Best sellers, Publishing, amazon bestseller  
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10186 clicks; posted to Main » on 24 Feb 2016 at 3:13 PM (47 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2016-02-24 01:30:17 PM  
I'm gonna sue this jerkwad. His foot book bumped my book, "My Penis: A Transpersonal Journey" off the top of the Freemasonry category. That's okay, though, I have a thriller in mind that involves my ballsack.
 
2016-02-24 02:08:04 PM  
Did this guy mess with the Masons?
 
2016-02-24 03:22:32 PM  
Next he's going to take on the labels: organic, all-natural, lifetime guarantee, extended warranty, as seen on TV, endorsed by Hollywood stars, and space age.
 
2016-02-24 03:22:37 PM  
So George RR Martin is out? I'm okay with this.


/I got to read an advance copy of book VIII. 1,000 pages. All blank! Everyone was killed by the ice dragons at the end of book VII.

// Global cooling is a biatch!
 
2016-02-24 03:23:01 PM  
I had three dollars and five minutes but subby's mom came by first.
 
2016-02-24 03:23:49 PM  
Isn't there a life hack, or at least one weird trick I can do instead of spending all that time and money to achieve that?  I have an award-winning book I want to "write".
 
2016-02-24 03:24:31 PM  
I'll have to look for it but there's an old quote from the 1850s or so about how publishing is far too easy and there are too many books.
 
2016-02-24 03:26:37 PM  
i totally wasted my money on a book that promised me that gullible wasn't in the dictionary.  but after i read the book i totally found it in the dictionary.  man, they are so stupid.
 
2016-02-24 03:26:46 PM  
Some people get a lot of satisfaction from paying for recognition.
 
2016-02-24 03:27:50 PM  
Angry book marketer is angry that his company's services are needed less and less. Film at 11
 
2016-02-24 03:28:33 PM  
Damn, I hope this book is still available. I already have two different hand books and a book on toes, this would really round out my collection.
 
2016-02-24 03:29:10 PM  
This appears to be loosely based on a novel by a man named Lear...
 
2016-02-24 03:31:01 PM  
He took a lot of words to say "I DON'T LIKE THIS AND YOU SHOULDN'T USE IT!"
 
2016-02-24 03:32:20 PM  

RoyFokker'sGhost: Angry book marketer is angry that his company's services are needed less and less. Film at 11


Eh, I'd think the services of a good marketer may be needed more than ever. The signal to noise ratio has gone to complete shiat. How does a genuinely good author get noticed amidst all the garbage?
 
2016-02-24 03:34:50 PM  
Last week, I put up a fake book on Amazon. I took a photo of my foot, uploaded to Amazon, and in a matter of hours, had achieved "No. 1 Best Seller" status, complete with the orange banner and everything.

How many copies did I need to sell be able to call up my mother and celebrate my newfound authorial achievements? Three. Yes, a total of three copies to become a best-selling author. And I bought two of those copies myself!


Brent Underwood's Foot Book changed my life. I used to think that I had ugly feet. So ugly, that I would wrap them in thick cloth and smash them with a hammer. But reading Brent Underwood's Foot Book, I realize I don't have ugly feet. My feet are actually quite handsome when compared to Brent's (minus the hammer marks, of course).

I only wish that Brent had published his book sooner. Because I cut my feet off with a saw after getting the idea from a movie about people chained in a bathroom. I think the name of the movie was "The Movie about Two Guys Chained in a Bathroom". But even after I cut off my feet, had them shrunken and encased in Lucite, my feet are still prettier than Bret's. Hell, my stumps are prettier.

I'm thinking about putting one wheel on each stump. There will be a learning curve but once I get my balance, I should be a pretty fast wheels-on-the-stumps guy.  Maybe I should write a book about my feet to wheels on stumps journey. See Brent? You're inspiring other writers to writing their writes.
 
2016-02-24 03:36:03 PM  
I know some academics who could benefit from this.
 
2016-02-24 03:38:23 PM  

Harry Freakstorm: Last week, I put up a fake book on Amazon. I took a photo of my foot, uploaded to Amazon, and in a matter of hours, had achieved "No. 1 Best Seller" status, complete with the orange banner and everything.

How many copies did I need to sell be able to call up my mother and celebrate my newfound authorial achievements? Three. Yes, a total of three copies to become a best-selling author. And I bought two of those copies myself!

Brent Underwood's Foot Book changed my life. I used to think that I had ugly feet. So ugly, that I would wrap them in thick cloth and smash them with a hammer. But reading Brent Underwood's Foot Book, I realize I don't have ugly feet. My feet are actually quite handsome when compared to Brent's (minus the hammer marks, of course).

I only wish that Brent had published his book sooner. Because I cut my feet off with a saw after getting the idea from a movie about people chained in a bathroom. I think the name of the movie was "The Movie about Two Guys Chained in a Bathroom". But even after I cut off my feet, had them shrunken and encased in Lucite, my feet are still prettier than Bret's. Hell, my stumps are prettier.

I'm thinking about putting one wheel on each stump. There will be a learning curve but once I get my balance, I should be a pretty fast wheels-on-the-stumps guy.  Maybe I should write a book about my feet to wheels on stumps journey. See Brent? You're inspiring other writers to writing their writes.


Caitlyn, is that you?
 
2016-02-24 03:38:56 PM  
"It was a dark and stormy night .."

Pay me
 
2016-02-24 03:40:18 PM  
You also need a foot.
img.fark.net
 
2016-02-24 03:43:53 PM  
nightflight.com
 
2016-02-24 03:43:56 PM  

Harry Freakstorm: I had three dollars and five minutes but subby's mom came by first.


Fark is not your personal erotic site

/;-)
 
2016-02-24 03:44:22 PM  
I occasionally look at the NY Times bestseller list and I find it incredible that some of those books are "popular". There are always some ghostwritten Bill O'Reilly / Glenn Beck garbage on there - they can't even be bothered to write this crap themselves and yet it sells. Or more likely certain shill groups bulk buy the books at deep discounts to artificially spike sales and generate publicity and they end up being pulped, in remainder stores or as landfill.
 
2016-02-24 03:44:50 PM  
I loled through most of TFA, and especially through the how-to parts. Hilarious!
 
2016-02-24 03:47:19 PM  

raerae1980: Harry Freakstorm: I had three dollars and five minutes but subby's mom came by first.

Fark is not your personal erotic site

/;-)



Says who?
 
2016-02-24 03:47:20 PM  
This guy chose the least used category to fake numbers. It's much harder to get into these numbers in horror or fantasy. It doesn't take as much as you think you get into those categories but it's not as easy as posting a fake book and buying 3 copies.
 
2016-02-24 03:47:40 PM  

Jormungandr: He took a lot of words to say "I DON'T LIKE THIS AND YOU SHOULDN'T USE IT!"


It's actually pretty annoying for the user.  They really need to up their game with ratings/reviews.  For their size they're not doing a service to the producer or the consumer as it is.

I was looking for top rated apps form their app store yesterday and I had to wade through about 30 pages of 5 star apps with exactly one review to get to the 4.9 star apps with 15,000 reviews.
 
2016-02-24 03:48:54 PM  

raerae1980: Harry Freakstorm: I had three dollars and five minutes but subby's mom came by first.

Fark is not your personal erotic site

/;-)


No, subby's mom is.
 
2016-02-24 03:55:10 PM  
Could have done this with my brother's ebook.

Wish it worked on my CD. It's at about  1,000,000 on the list
 
2016-02-24 03:56:26 PM  
"It was the best of times ..."
 
2016-02-24 04:01:27 PM  
People tell me I'm an excellent writer and question why I haven't written a book. I say to them, "I may be good but I'm not so good as to break through all the drivel. I mean there's good and then there is Harper Lee good. I am not that good so why bother?" That is a lie, however; it is not the real reason I haven't written a number one best seller. The real reason is because I hang out on Fark. What is on Fark that is so damn good? Pocket Ninja.

My penis is ten inches long and after reading that dude I look down and it seems more like two. He makes me feel totally inadequate....not just as a writer but as a man. Pocket Ninja isn't just a writer, he is the writer. He is not just any dude he is The Dude. He sucks up all the air in the room.

Maybe one day I'll write a number one best seller. Maybe. But if so I'll have to quit Fark and well...I just can't do that to Drew, can I? Someone needs to give him money for beer.
 
2016-02-24 04:08:36 PM  
A guy gets a meaningless orange graphic on an Amazon page less than 100 living people would have ever seen, had he not written the article.

What's the next thing this dipshiat is going to find to complain about?  I for one would like to see a hard hitting expose on the scourge of famous people who get honorary degrees from colleges that they NEVER ATTENDED.  Did you know those people can put that on their resume and apply for jobs??

The horror.
 
2016-02-24 04:09:45 PM  
Harper Lee - 1 book
Dennis Rodman - 5 books
 
2016-02-24 04:13:49 PM  
Sounds to me that this guys beef is more with people who self publish then who calls themselves a best selling author. Most of that article was him biatching about how these dirty self publishers bypass all the bullshiat that traditional publishers make you go through.

It basically boils down to:
img.fark.net

Or

img.fark.net

Take your pick.
 
2016-02-24 04:14:57 PM  

RoyFokker'sGhost: Angry book marketer is angry that his company's services are needed less and less. Film at 11


This.

Yeah, you can be number 1 bestseller in one of Amazon's obscure categories.

What does that get you? Jack Squat.  How often are people searching using those keywords?

I made it to the top 100 in all science fiction at one point.  What did that get me?

A boatload more sales.

Did I get the little "#1 Bestseller" tag?  Nope.  Don't care, had sales.

/new book out Friday
//crossing my fingers
///fantasy this time
 
2016-02-24 04:18:36 PM  

worlddan: People tell me I'm an excellent writer and question why I haven't written a book. I say to them, "I may be good but I'm not so good as to break through all the drivel. I mean there's good and then there is Harper Lee good. I am not that good so why bother?" That is a lie, however; it is not the real reason I haven't written a number one best seller. The real reason is because I hang out on Fark. What is on Fark that is so damn good? Pocket Ninja.

My penis is ten inches long and after reading that dude I look down and it seems more like two. He makes me feel totally inadequate....not just as a writer but as a man. Pocket Ninja isn't just a writer, he is the writer. He is not just any dude he is The Dude. He sucks up all the air in the room.

Maybe one day I'll write a number one best seller. Maybe. But if so I'll have to quit Fark and well...I just can't do that to Drew, can I? Someone needs to give him money for beer.


Mental note: worlddan is one of Pocket Ninja's alts ...
 
2016-02-24 04:21:21 PM  

GRCooper: worlddan: People tell me I'm an excellent writer and question why I haven't written a book. I say to them, "I may be good but I'm not so good as to break through all the drivel. I mean there's good and then there is Harper Lee good. I am not that good so why bother?" That is a lie, however; it is not the real reason I haven't written a number one best seller. The real reason is because I hang out on Fark. What is on Fark that is so damn good? Pocket Ninja.

My penis is ten inches long and after reading that dude I look down and it seems more like two. He makes me feel totally inadequate....not just as a writer but as a man. Pocket Ninja isn't just a writer, he is the writer. He is not just any dude he is The Dude. He sucks up all the air in the room.

Maybe one day I'll write a number one best seller. Maybe. But if so I'll have to quit Fark and well...I just can't do that to Drew, can I? Someone needs to give him money for beer.

Mental note: worlddan is one of Pocket Ninja's alts ...


Little know secret: everyone here but you is a Pocket Ninja alt
 
2016-02-24 04:24:22 PM  

moos: GRCooper: worlddan: People tell me I'm an excellent writer and question why I haven't written a book. I say to them, "I may be good but I'm not so good as to break through all the drivel. I mean there's good and then there is Harper Lee good. I am not that good so why bother?" That is a lie, however; it is not the real reason I haven't written a number one best seller. The real reason is because I hang out on Fark. What is on Fark that is so damn good? Pocket Ninja.

My penis is ten inches long and after reading that dude I look down and it seems more like two. He makes me feel totally inadequate....not just as a writer but as a man. Pocket Ninja isn't just a writer, he is the writer. He is not just any dude he is The Dude. He sucks up all the air in the room.

Maybe one day I'll write a number one best seller. Maybe. But if so I'll have to quit Fark and well...I just can't do that to Drew, can I? Someone needs to give him money for beer.

Mental note: worlddan is one of Pocket Ninja's alts ...

Little know secret: everyone here but you is a Pocket Ninja alt


Who the hell's B's did I get IE, then?

/nice rack, PN!
 
2016-02-24 04:26:49 PM  
Campaign dollars, Super PAC dollars, all can be used to buy "literature" that candidates can give to their constituents. Many books are written only to be purchased by the millions of copies by a candidate for some office. That's how campaign funds are spread around, and how candidates get to profit from running for office. Many of these people that are running don't intend to win, they just want to have their campaign buy their books, or cronies books, for $29 a pop, and make millions. These books were never really intended to find a place at Barnes and Nobles. They know before they are written that they will become landfill.
 
2016-02-24 04:27:59 PM  

moos: GRCooper: worlddan: People tell me I'm an excellent writer and question why I haven't written a book. I say to them, "I may be good but I'm not so good as to break through all the drivel. I mean there's good and then there is Harper Lee good. I am not that good so why bother?" That is a lie, however; it is not the real reason I haven't written a number one best seller. The real reason is because I hang out on Fark. What is on Fark that is so damn good? Pocket Ninja.

My penis is ten inches long and after reading that dude I look down and it seems more like two. He makes me feel totally inadequate....not just as a writer but as a man. Pocket Ninja isn't just a writer, he is the writer. He is not just any dude he is The Dude. He sucks up all the air in the room.

Maybe one day I'll write a number one best seller. Maybe. But if so I'll have to quit Fark and well...I just can't do that to Drew, can I? Someone needs to give him money for beer.

Mental note: worlddan is one of Pocket Ninja's alts ...

Little know secret: everyone here but you is a Pocket Ninja alt


Shh! The non-alts weren't ever supposed to know that!
 
2016-02-24 04:29:08 PM  
Well, it is a good foot, but I'm sure someone will criticize the sharp toe knuckles.
 
2016-02-24 04:32:12 PM  
Vanity press/self-publishing, an old game updated on the Internet.  That said, some great books and authors were self-published, when that was more the norm, but they were good.
 
2016-02-24 04:34:03 PM  

cleothemuse: moos: GRCooper: worlddan: People tell me I'm an excellent writer and question why I haven't written a book. I say to them, "I may be good but I'm not so good as to break through all the drivel. I mean there's good and then there is Harper Lee good. I am not that good so why bother?" That is a lie, however; it is not the real reason I haven't written a number one best seller. The real reason is because I hang out on Fark. What is on Fark that is so damn good? Pocket Ninja.

My penis is ten inches long and after reading that dude I look down and it seems more like two. He makes me feel totally inadequate....not just as a writer but as a man. Pocket Ninja isn't just a writer, he is the writer. He is not just any dude he is The Dude. He sucks up all the air in the room.

Maybe one day I'll write a number one best seller. Maybe. But if so I'll have to quit Fark and well...I just can't do that to Drew, can I? Someone needs to give him money for beer.

Mental note: worlddan is one of Pocket Ninja's alts ...

Little know secret: everyone here but you is a Pocket Ninja alt

Shh! The non-alts weren't ever supposed to know that!


Don't worry. It's kinda like the Bill Murray French fry story. No one will ever believe it.
 
2016-02-24 04:44:54 PM  
worlddan: (blah blah blah a bunch of horseshiat, excepting perhaps the praise)

The woods would be quiet if no bird sang but the one that sang best.
(Henry Van Dyke)
 
2016-02-24 04:48:13 PM  

worlddan: People tell me I'm an excellent writer and question why I haven't written a book. I say to them, "I may be good but I'm not so good as to break through all the drivel. I mean there's good and then there is Harper Lee good. I am not that good so why bother?" That is a lie, however; it is not the real reason I haven't written a number one best seller. The real reason is because I hang out on Fark. What is on Fark that is so damn good? Pocket Ninja.

My penis is ten inches long and after reading that dude I look down and it seems more like two. He makes me feel totally inadequate....not just as a writer but as a man. Pocket Ninja isn't just a writer, he is the writer. He is not just any dude he is The Dude. He sucks up all the air in the room.

Maybe one day I'll write a number one best seller. Maybe. But if so I'll have to quit Fark and well...I just can't do that to Drew, can I? Someone needs to give him money for beer.


I noticed the lack of TF or BF after your handle.  Then I started wondering how you're actually giving Drew his beer money if you're not paying monthly fees.  And then I stopped caring.

/True Story
 
2016-02-24 04:48:24 PM  
There have been plenty of best selling books that almost no one ever read like "A Brief History of Time" or "The Satanic Verses", the thing is that not only did they sell tons of book even almost no one read them they still have been read by more people than the vast, vast majority of stuff.  Also we don't want to mention all the absolute dreck that becomes a best seller (looking at you "Left Behind" or any politicians book).
 
2016-02-24 04:51:21 PM  

ReapTheChaos: Sounds to me that this guys beef is more with people who self publish then who calls themselves a best selling author. Most of that article was him biatching about how these dirty self publishers bypass all the bullshiat that traditional publishers make you go through.


I've attended a conference for authors. While most of the attendees are romance authors, many other genre authors show up as well.
I am told that ten years ago, almost none at this conference were self published. Now, many of them are. Publisher reps used to show up.
Now, no representatives of publishers show up. They aren't boo'd out of the seminars held, but the animosity is real.
Many of the authors there used to be pub'd by the Big Five, but most have left or are "hybrid" authors (self plus trad)

Several of the authors there NOBODY has heard of and yet they have made millions of dollars. Self pub dollars.
Some of the traditionally published authors there are in awe and are seriously jealous.

/When I say "nobody" I mean they came from nowhere, were never published traditionally, and so aren't in the social circles of other authors.
 
2016-02-24 04:53:19 PM  
Even if you did sell a ton of books, you could be Danielle Steele and your books would be crap sold to mouth-breathing morons, moribund travelers, and shut-ins that couldn't make it as far as the local library.

I was sitting in a bar the other night and talking with a woman who is an agent.  This person was telling me about the notes she gave back to an author.  Keep in mind that this was not a good author, and they both knew it.  But her books sold well enough and she kept the lights on, so notes were being given.

Actual comments:
"You wrote about how deeply your hero penetrated her a few pages ago.  If he hasn't exceeded that, perhaps it would be best to move on to something else."
"You seem to have used the word `mound' a lot.  Maybe you could describe this a different way?"

Look, if you want to base your reading on what other people like, that would make Jewel our nation's foremost poet.  Not that I'm against that per se, but somehow it leads us down the path that makes rebooting Pete's Dragon seem like a fresh idea.
 
2016-02-24 04:58:42 PM  
Self pub is mostly a dreary pile of shiat, but every once in a while someone hits jackpot.
Amazon is like Google is to business. Sort of loathed but essential
Amazon is kind of burying itself in crap though. The crap to good ratio is 1000:1 for everything from books to dish racks to protein supplements
 
2016-02-24 05:02:15 PM  
I write fiction. Personally I'd be horrified to be a bestseller. I'd rather be like Kafka and just sort of die and have my papers published and get on some grad student reading lists 50 years from now. Anyone who wants their book to be a bestseller kinda just sucks.
 
2016-02-24 05:12:17 PM  

TheDirtyNacho: Self pub is mostly a dreary pile of shiat, but every once in a while someone hits jackpot.


Totally agree, but more often what happens is that new authors get attention if they approach a publisher with an existing sales record or a large number of followers on some kind of social media.

It's very rare for someone to knock it out of the park without the kind of marketing a publisher can provide.  When that does happen, those authors usually "graduate" to a regular publisher pretty quickly.  It's a way better deal -- advance checks and movie deals will always beat the grind of having to endlessly self-promote.
 
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