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(Register Guard)   Judge determines unsolicited finger in anus is crude, but not criminal   ( divider line
    More: Strange, crimes, double jeopardy  
•       •       •

30808 clicks; posted to Main » on 12 Mar 2004 at 3:59 PM (13 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

235 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

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2004-03-12 05:26:15 PM  
Do not do a GIS for finger! eewwwww

Arrghh! I did it anyway!

Frankie Goes to Hollywood - I can't remember the name of the song, though.

Nah, it's TOOL and STINKFIST.
2004-03-12 05:29:16 PM  
In my defense your honor, I can honestly say I was only inserted my finger up my teammates anuses out of concern for the health of my their prostates.
2004-03-12 05:33:45 PM  
maybe he was taking the whole "sit and spin" to seriously
2004-03-12 05:34:00 PM  
...he was previously convicted in juvenile court of first-degree buggery...
2004-03-12 05:42:36 PM  
Future warnings from Arnold shall be heeded.
2004-03-12 05:48:36 PM  
Can't believe I'm the first to say this--the judge has ruled this as a verdict of boys will be boys.
2004-03-12 05:49:28 PM  
Do unto others what has been done to you...I have found some kind of temporary sanity in this shiat blood and cum on my hands.

/Maynard must've gone to school in Oregon.
2004-03-12 05:51:19 PM  
This sounds like a job for the Crocodile Hunter.

That ought to really piss 'em off.
2004-03-12 05:51:55 PM  
Thank you niiice Judge-man!
[image from too old to be available]
2004-03-12 05:56:16 PM  
I am the great Cornholio! I have finger for your bunghole!
2004-03-12 06:12:37 PM  
2004-03-12 06:17:04 PM  
2004-03-12 04:53:21 PM I Speak Jive

Am I the only one who found COOS COUNTY to be funny

No. That caught my eye, too.

Coo = (_!_)
2004-03-12 06:18:46 PM  
I wonder if he got any santorum on his finger?
2004-03-12 07:17:06 PM  
He's considereing entering the Priesthood.
2004-03-12 07:27:22 PM  
Damn I was just going to comment how it struck me as odd that nobody knew TheFooz's lyrical reference until I just read Frank Zen Beans' comment.

Actually though, I really thought that more people would have known...also makes me kinda sad that some peoples first introduction to the band will be those lyrics...

my advice: listen to lateralus first and work backwards through the albums.
2004-03-12 08:03:08 PM  
sorry, TheFooz...beat me to the punch...
2004-03-12 08:12:06 PM  
Raymond Nolan, who said it was "highly unlikely" that Akins would have been able to penetrate his classmates through the thick shorts and underwear they had on - especially if the boys were resisting

I'd like to know what planet Mr. Nolan is from, where gym shorts are "thick" and surprises are "resistable".
2004-03-12 10:11:09 PM  
I don't understand why the kid managed to make it to court at all. If he had done this in my high school, I think it would have not taken much to find about 20 guys who would have just beat the living you know what out of him and after reaming him with a broom stick made him swear he would never tell a soul about what had happened to him. Or we might have farked him real good, maybe 20 guys cornholing him would teach him where to stick his fingers. Perhaps it will still happen to him. I think that would be appropriate justice.
2004-03-12 10:39:59 PM  
You people aren't even paying attention:

'...there was sufficient doubt about whether Akins could have penetrated the anus of the two victims in the case through two-ply athletic shorts and underwear beneath them.'

And later:

'One of McCrea's witnesses was Portland physician Raymond Nolan, who said it was "highly unlikely" that Akins would have been able to penetrate his classmates through the thick shorts and underwear they had on'

Do you understand??? Their pants stayed on the whole time! Nobody's even arguing that they had their pants pulled down, and nobody's saying that he stuck his hands into their pants -- he just poked at them from the outside of their clothes.

So, it's childish, and maybe it's bullying, but according to the article there were no fingers actually in assholes.
2004-03-13 12:29:01 AM  
it's the deftones with maynard keenan from tool doing guest vocals... "passenger". amazing song, i was listening to that album earlier.
2004-03-13 12:31:42 AM  
oh, wait, that was stinkfist...

passenger is still about farking...
2004-03-13 11:38:55 AM  
Shouldn't this have been
2014-04-01 01:28:14 PM  
2014-04-01 01:30:04 PM  
If a finger up the ass doesn't make you laugh, then I submit to you that you have a broken sense of humor.
2014-04-01 01:30:14 PM  
That is a shocker!
2014-04-01 01:30:25 PM  


2014-04-01 01:31:22 PM
2014-04-01 01:34:18 PM  

/too soon?
2014-04-01 01:36:58 PM  

Deacon63: In other news Michael Jackson said to be moving into the area! WHOO HOO

ET taught Micheal everything he new about comedy
2014-04-01 01:37:39 PM  
Classic thread.  UFIA's all around!
2014-04-01 01:38:28 PM  

Witness99: If you invade any of my orifices I'm going to cock punch you and steal your sperm.

Wait, that sounds like another sexual assult to me.
2014-04-01 01:38:52 PM

tickle tickle tickle
2014-04-01 01:39:12 PM  
Dammit I read about 25 posts into this thread before I went to "smart" someone's post and the button didn't exist and I finally got the joke.
2014-04-01 01:39:16 PM  

yotta: And here I thought that high school students had their fingers up their own butts.

That's usually their head.
2014-04-01 01:42:28 PM  

bikerbob59: yotta: And here I thought that high school students had their fingers up their own butts.

That's usually their head.

How finger get in head?
2014-04-01 01:45:19 PM
2014-04-01 01:52:09 PM  
Someone should name a sports facility, perhaps the Boston Garden, UFIA Arena in honor of this story and Fark

2014-04-01 01:52:15 PM  

wickedMule: So a finger in the anus is not criminal? Later guys, I'm off to the mall...

I laughed!
2014-04-01 01:53:24 PM  
Commemorative statue.
2014-04-01 01:54:09 PM  
2014-04-01 01:56:22 PM  
2014-04-01 01:57:38 PM  
Best FARK headline, ever.
2014-04-01 02:02:39 PM  
What if the victim was transgender and identified themselves as a teenage girl, then would it be rape your honor?
2014-04-01 02:02:45 PM  
I never knew exactly what people meant when they talked about playing grab ass.

Turns out, it's fairly self-explanatory.
2014-04-01 02:03:38 PM  

MorningBreath: I bet I could get the judge to change his opinon in 2 seconds.

Or not.

/guys should be asking if the judge has a daughter of legal age. Maybe then.
2014-04-01 02:04:26 PM  
Teenage jocks fingering each other's assholes? Pics or didn't happen.
2014-04-01 02:05:01 PM  
SFIA is still OK, right?
2014-04-01 02:06:42 PM  
My wife doesn't want my son to play most high school sports because she has treated too many head injuries in boys, teenagers, and young men that occurred even with helmets and improved training.  I don't want him playing because I think back on my own middle and high school days and remember all the homo-erotic bullshiat that the "macho" jocks were always inflicting on each other and everyone within groping range.   Especially football; try explaining the game to someone who has never heard of it before, beginning with the "snap" and ending with the whole team taking a group shower, and it doesn't come across sounding like the most masculine sport in the world...
2014-04-01 02:12:53 PM  

etymxris: brwells: If it had been an unsolicited male finger in a female vagina would it be "crude, sophomoric, immature" behavior or rape? What happened to equal protection?
It wasn't rape because he wasn't sexually stimulated by it. Because, you know, the exact same action becomes ten times more sinful when it's done for sexual gratification.

Rape is not about sex, rape is about power and victimizing the person.

The judge is either a moron or knows the defendants father..............come to think about it, he is probably both.
2014-04-01 02:15:04 PM  
Where are the Smart and Funny buttons?
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