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(Register Guard)   Judge determines unsolicited finger in anus is crude, but not criminal   (thefreelibrary.com) divider line 236
    More: Strange, crimes, double jeopardy  
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30347 clicks; posted to Main » on 12 Mar 2004 at 3:59 PM (10 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2004-03-12 09:34:34 AM  
It's only criminal if they don't buy you a drink first.
 
2004-03-12 09:43:57 AM  
The only good anal finger probe is an unsolicited anal finger probe.
 
2004-03-12 09:52:45 AM  
"I like to make people laugh," he said

What better way?
 
2004-03-12 09:55:13 AM  
Nothing like a finger in the ass to make me chuckle.
 
2004-03-12 10:01:39 AM  
After the verdict, tears welled in his eyes and he shook the hand of his defense attorney, Bob McCrea of Eugene.

"He then offered McCrea a chocolate-covered prezel."
 
2004-03-12 10:10:55 AM  
I read the headline 5 times. Laughed every time. Didn't rtfa.
 
2004-03-12 11:05:43 AM  
....you know how it is when your in line at the bank.
/diceman
 
2004-03-12 11:13:46 AM  
Unsolicited finger in anus is fatal.
 
2004-03-12 11:23:17 AM  
Jim Carrey was in the top ten? Well, I hope you like him. Fooker's got five movies coming out next year.
 
2004-03-12 11:28:05 AM  
D'oh. Mods, or Jesus, if you're real, please delete the last post.
 
2004-03-12 11:42:34 AM  
If it had been an unsolicited male finger in a female vagina would it be "crude, sophomoric, immature" behavior or rape? What happened to equal protection?
 
2004-03-12 11:50:22 AM  
So it now legal for me to run around sticking my finger into people's ears, mouth, and belly buttons?

Try that on me and someone would be pulling back a nub.
 
2004-03-12 01:04:04 PM  
There are places that charge $ for things like this
 
2004-03-12 02:53:32 PM  
brwells: If it had been an unsolicited male finger in a female vagina would it be "crude, sophomoric, immature" behavior or rape? What happened to equal protection?

It wasn't rape because he wasn't sexually stimulated by it. Because, you know, the exact same action becomes ten times more sinful when it's done for sexual gratification.
 
2004-03-12 02:58:20 PM  
After the verdict, tears welled in his eyes and he shook the hand of his defense attorney, Bob McCrea of Eugene.

Uh, Bob? You might want to wash that hand, like, ASAP.

Me, I'm going to try to wash out the inside of my skull. That article had a few too many details about the whole finger in the ass thing. Especially toward the end.
 
2004-03-12 03:28:47 PM  
Judge D. Sanchez determines unsolicited finger in anus is crude, but not criminal
 
2004-03-12 04:02:40 PM  
So a finger in the anus is not criminal? Later guys, I'm off to the mall...
 
2004-03-12 04:03:21 PM  
"Probation Violation"

Hehehehhehe....
 
2004-03-12 04:03:58 PM  
Where was this high school when I was growing up?
 
2004-03-12 04:04:07 PM  
The judge said he found it hard to believe that Akins would have sought some kind of sexual gratification from incidents that at least a half-dozen other boys could see.

Some people like an audience. This is stupid logic.
 
2004-03-12 04:04:09 PM  
In other news Michael Jackson said to be moving into the area! WHOO HOO
 
2004-03-12 04:04:16 PM  
At least tickle it a little. Talk dirty to me, something.

/more diceman
 
2004-03-12 04:04:24 PM  
Uh, any time someone shoves something into an orifice without the explicit consent of the owner of said orifice, it most certainly IS assault and battery.
 
2004-03-12 04:04:46 PM  
" The verdict means that 17-year-old Jordan Akins will face a penalty only for a probation violation"

With just a slap on the wrist he will continue to violate people with his probation!

/asshat with lame-ass puns
 
2004-03-12 04:04:48 PM  
Thank God he didn't stick his finger up someone's butt on the Howard Stern show, or he might be out $500,000!
 
2004-03-12 04:05:12 PM  
The verdict means that 17-year-old Jordan Akins will face a penalty only for a probation violation - he was previously convicted in juvenile court of first-degree burglary

He later admitted to being a turd-burglar.
 
2004-03-12 04:05:18 PM  
Nothing like a little "unsolicited finger in anus" to take with me into my weekend.
 
2004-03-12 04:06:08 PM  
More proof that Zappa is God.
 
2004-03-12 04:06:22 PM  
I, for one, welcome our anus-invading, latent homosexual tendencies repressing, two in the pink one in the stink "I like to make people laugh" phalange-sodomizing teenage overlord.

/had to be said
 
2004-03-12 04:06:28 PM  
I bet I could get the judge to change his opinon in 2 seconds.
 
2004-03-12 04:06:43 PM  
he was previously convicted in juvenile court of first-degree burglary

Does this mean he qualifies as an "ass-burglar"?
 
2004-03-12 04:06:57 PM  
Is it Friday already?


/obscure
 
2004-03-12 04:07:42 PM  
What about 2 fingers?
 
2004-03-12 04:07:56 PM  
"It's not that he stuck a finger in my anus, your Honor; it's just that he didn't even bother to buy me a dinner first."
 
2004-03-12 04:08:14 PM  
Hey, don't put that finger in my anus! You don't know where it has b-.

Oh, nevermind.
 
2004-03-12 04:08:29 PM  
This is great! I can't punch people I don't like in the nose, but I can ram my finger up their butt holes. This judge is really asking for it. Maybe someone would like to, you know, take his temperature?
 
2004-03-12 04:08:42 PM  
Does this mean he qualifies as an "ass-burglar"?

Nope, see above post

 
2004-03-12 04:09:36 PM  
After the verdict, tears welled in his eyes and he shook the hand of his defense attorney

aw.. man, don't shake his hand, you don't know where his fingers have been. well.. maybe he knew.
 
2004-03-12 04:09:48 PM  
Peaceboy

Do you realize how much coffee burns as it comes out of your nose?
 
2004-03-12 04:09:51 PM  
the usual suspects is not obscure.

you lose at the internet.
 
2004-03-12 04:10:10 PM  
A finger in the anus is not criminal but crude
Michelangelo is a party dude

Teenage mutant ninja turtles
Teenage mutant ninja turtles
Teenage mutant ninja turtles

Turtles on the half shell
Turtle Power!!!
 
2004-03-12 04:11:31 PM  
Ok, when reading the headline, how many were thinking the EXACT SAME THING as wickedMule?

/raises hand
 
2004-03-12 04:11:36 PM  
After 50+ unsuccessful attempts at getting a link approved, it's the unsolicited finger in the anus that pops my fark cherry. I can now die a happy man.
 
2004-03-12 04:11:39 PM  
"(The victim) never complained about being hurt at all. I wasn't trying to harm anybody."

If someone ran up and stuck their finger up my wazoo, I wouldn't be the one that was hurt.

I prefer a dinner and a movie first.
 
2004-03-12 04:12:06 PM  
Law suit? What ever happened to the good old a$$-whippin'?
 
2004-03-12 04:12:19 PM  
I know people who have lost relationships over a "probation violation" (snicker) of this sort.

I just like saying "probation violation".

For a minute, I thought BLIADTHEIMPALER's post read ..without the consent of said orifice. What a mental image that was.
 
2004-03-12 04:12:55 PM  
It so happened, that at the time of the robbery
Michael, decided to give his female victims
A little enema
Apparently, there was no law against that
But his name lives on
Michael Kenyon
The Illinois enema bandit!"


Zappa is God and SherKhan is his prophet
 
2004-03-12 04:13:07 PM  
Am I the only one who RTFA? The real reason he got off is because the victims still had their shorts and underwear on. The judge didn't believe a finger could be inserted through two layers of protection.
 
2004-03-12 04:13:20 PM  
*Business venture*

"Tired of those wacky friends of yours inserting their fingers ito your anus? The Rectal Club(tm) is what you need. That's right, stop those poop shooter looters in their tracks; and order yours today!!

/great Photoshop idea but no photoshop:(
 
2004-03-12 04:13:24 PM  
"Crude, but not Criminal? "


That changes everything! Woohoo!
 
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