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(Slate)   Beyond Tofurkey.... Be afraid. Be very afraid.   ( divider line
    More: Scary  
•       •       •

6200 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Dec 2001 at 5:50 PM (16 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

91 Comments     (+0 »)

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2001-12-17 05:53:48 PM  
I think this is interesting
2001-12-17 05:53:55 PM  
When I think of Fake Flesh...
2001-12-17 05:55:30 PM  
"our hearts turn to great foaming pools of saturated fats"

Not too shabby, Ms. Lithwick.
2001-12-17 05:56:51 PM  
eat tofu that looks like play dough meat! I really am getting annoyed by that PETA...
2001-12-17 05:57:50 PM  
tastes just like Canada

Reminds me of that anime "tastes just like ancient china"

But I can see the canuk link here..
2001-12-17 05:58:21 PM  
Hey, Morningstar Farms' products are -not- to be compared with Tofurky. As a meat-eater I can say that I enjoy every Morningstar product I've tried more than its meat counterpart.. unlike most fake meat products, Morningstar tries to replicate the texture of the meat before the flavor. Which makes sense.. tofu's texture is, if not icky, entirely un-meat-like; and besides, I should hope that most vegetarians are vegetarians because they don't -like- the taste of meat.

Try a box of Morningstar Farms' buffalo wings (boneless, of course) sometime, especially if your girlfriend is a vegetarian.
2001-12-17 05:59:35 PM  
eating tofu turkey is worse then cock and ball torture

okay so not really...actually i'm a veg...I happen to rather like the taste of 60% of those fake meat products...the others are just wrong.
2001-12-17 06:01:22 PM  
I distinctly remember trying "tempeh" wannabe bacon slices. After less than one, i was ready to gag on them.
2001-12-17 06:01:45 PM  
"Tastes like Canada" - ahahahahahahaha!!!

Best part of the whole article!
2001-12-17 06:04:20 PM  
yeah, there is some good stuff out there. especially when it comes to things like girlfriends that feel that need to not eat meat. i think it really has to do with their desire to keep their thighs out of the cottage cheese zone.
2001-12-17 06:05:30 PM  
hey! I gave up meat cause I didn't like the taste. Not because I wanted to keep my thighs out of the cottage cheese factory

although come to think of it my bf has started eating alot more vegetarian foods since he started dating me...hmm
2001-12-17 06:05:34 PM  
Once those vegans get a taste of flesh, they just can't give it up, can they? This stuff is the culinary equivalent of methadone. When a smoker quits, do they go around smoking "fake cigarettes" for the rest of their life? No. They quit cold farking turkey (or they quit farking cold turkey, which is also a good idea).

You know what these food manufacturers should focus their efforts on? Fake human. Life size, complete with fingers, toes, and a face. For added fun, bake the tofu around a ceramic skeleton, and fill the rib cage with all sorts of vegetable goodies. Tofuman?
2001-12-17 06:06:56 PM  
Tofurky = Fauxturkey
2001-12-17 06:12:03 PM  
I'm with Rebrane - Morningstar Farms' stuff is pretty good. I don't give a shiate about the animals either way, but their breaded fake-chicken pucks are IMO much better than the real thing: they're overall better for you, they're not too expensive, and they don't have those chewy little bits of cartilage and connective tissue you'll find in real chicken pucks. Great on a bun with mayonnaise or Tabasco.
2001-12-17 06:12:08 PM  
I don't understand why destroying plant life is acceptable to vegs but not animal life. So they don't moo, cluck, or oink....they're still alive. I'm talking about the vegs that are opposed to meat on moral grounds. Those are the morons. I can understand the ones that don't eat meat for health reason...I don't agree, but it's a better reason that "respecting the sanctity of life" or whatever. Bullshiat.
2001-12-17 06:15:33 PM  
Why would they murder all of those poor plants? I feel like crying and starting a Jainist diet.
2001-12-17 06:15:43 PM  
There was a veg restaurant I used to visit (closed now) that had an unbelieveable fake burger. The "meat" came in a loaf form. I haven't been able to find it since. Not very meat-like, but great texture and taste. Anyone have any ideas who might make this product?
2001-12-17 06:17:09 PM  
Morningstar uses GMO's though, although they are tasty... I like boca stuff too, but I don't see why stuff has to taste like meat. They try to make meat taste like other stuff, take peperoni for example... ;)
2001-12-17 06:19:35 PM  
Alert! All true Americans!

They're trying to violate the purity of our hamburgers!

Imagine. MacDonalds eaters complaining about what other people eat. If you didn't feel guilty about the crap you stuff yourself with, you wouldn't be whining so much about PETA, vegetarians, etc. Mind your own business?
2001-12-17 06:22:12 PM  
You know what these food manufacturers should focus their efforts on? Fake human. Life size, complete with fingers, toes, and a face. For added fun, bake the tofu around a ceramic skeleton, and fill the rib cage with all sorts of vegetable goodies. Tofuman?

2001-12-17 06:22:20 PM  
PmShaw. I make one of those fake burgers every morning
2001-12-17 06:22:39 PM  
Just to a local farm, shoot a cow, and eat the real thing for God's sake - no need to screw around with this imitation crap....
2001-12-17 06:23:32 PM  
Gr00vey: I remember reading that a batch of their corn dogs (also extremely good, btw) was found to containe some non-FDA-approved GMO corn.. do they routinely use other GMO products? Wouldn't be surprised if they did..
2001-12-17 06:24:14 PM  
2001-12-17 06:27:16 PM  
Similar, but different... A health food deli next to where I used to work made a "burger", but they just lightly fried a GIANT portabello mushroom & made a burger with it!


I haven't cared much for any of the fake meat stuff I've tried... I'd rather just not have anything that promises to taste like meat, then doesn't.
2001-12-17 06:27:52 PM  
Sacred Nut Fuzz: That sounds like it'd be hazardous to your health.. I mean, saturated fat, cholesterol, the farmer with a shotgun running after the freak who's stealing his cow..
2001-12-17 06:28:06 PM  
Doctor--that sounds great
2001-12-17 06:28:58 PM  
My g/f was in charge of the shopping trip for our last camping excursion. She thought the veggie sausages looked pretty good. Best thing in the world if you like Alpo. Maybe not, even the dogs wouldn't eat them when I brought them home.

One of my clients is a vegan. I'm not sure what her occupation is but she's taken part in a few autopsies. She's pretty adamant about her anti-meat stance, however she referred to her thanksgiving Tofurkey as "Lung-Loaf", as apparently that's what the stuff resembles.
2001-12-17 06:31:34 PM  

Sometimes I have MS farms breakfast links for dinner.
2001-12-17 06:32:49 PM  
eh, GMO doesn't scare me. Smoking is gonna kill me long before a tweak in the corn genome or something.

Bring on the chicken-flavored pucks!
2001-12-17 06:37:40 PM  
Again, I'm at a loss to understand why this garners a 'scary' notation. We regularly serve fake meat to meat eaters and they are none the wiser. We do sometimes wonder why they're not surprised to see vegetarians eating "meat." But then, most of the meat eaters we know are dumb as mutton.
2001-12-17 06:39:25 PM  
Oh, and the idea that fake meat is a thing for health and specialty shops is bogus. I buy all my fake meat at Safeway and other chain grocery stores.
2001-12-17 06:39:58 PM  
My old roomate got the Morningstar stuff one time, it actually said on the side of the box "A treat your family can enjoy more than once a year." I still have it up on my fridge.
2001-12-17 06:49:13 PM  
"Scary" because of some of the descriptions given for the products, Fleener... Food that "Looked lke an eyebrow"? I think that's pretty scary.
2001-12-17 06:49:45 PM  
Some vegan friends of mine brought me something with seitan in it. It was tasty - in little pieces mixed in with rice and vegetables I couldn't tell the difference between it and real meat. But when I stopped to think about it, it didn't make a bit of sense. Here was something designed to resemble in every way something these people didn't eat. It's like Jews eating fake bacon, or an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting serving near-beer. Or that guy who finally kicked his heroin habit, but enjoys the memories so much, he shoots up daily with saline solution.

"But we like meat!"
So eat it.
"But it's wrong!"
So don't eat it.
"But meat tastes so good!"
That's why I eat it. Want a bite of my cheeseburger?
Somebody else killed it. I'm merely an accomplice.
2001-12-17 06:52:29 PM  
Pmshaw, I'm guessing you ate seitan. It's often served as steak or burgers. If you know a meatball lover, try Gimme Lean.

To the scoffers out there, see how "scary" fake meat is when you develop heart disease. Hee hee! (Educate yourself on the causes and you'll realize how true that statement is. By the age of 10 you probably had some form of it... just a question of how quickly and extensively it develops.)
2001-12-17 06:52:58 PM  
Hey dues, why don't you go fuk yourself your worthless piece of shiat. farking morons like you always use the "plants are alive to" bullshiat. Its a worthless smart-ass reply. Go crawl in a hole and die.
2001-12-17 06:56:40 PM  
I'm not going to eat a plant *or* an animal that looks like an eyebrow... I don't care how good or bad for me it is!
2001-12-17 06:57:23 PM  
Bonobo62, it is not like Jews eating fake bacon. We live in a society oriented around meat. We have the taste for meat ingrained in us from an early age. Restaurants revolve around meat, recipes revolve around meat, grocery stores revolve around meat.

Meat-substitutes make complete sense if you want to ease yourself out of the meat culture. Fake meat makes sense as long as vegetarian alternatives remain just that -- "alternatives." If our society were based around a vegetarian viewpoint, then yes, the whole scope of recipes, cooking knowledge, and consumer options would be 999 times larger than it is today and fake meat would seem out-of-place.
2001-12-17 06:58:07 PM  
Writer is biased and uninformed. I'm a meat-eater and my wife is veggie. I regularly make meals using the fake stuff and if prepared right, it's just as tasty. I have nothing against eating meat, but there are alot of very sick people out there because of this social conditioning we have to consume meat in huge quantities.

Ever get that really disgusting feeling after eating a Big Mac? I hate to think what it actually is doing to you.
2001-12-17 06:59:54 PM  
Well, I'll confess to being a vegetarian. I have to admit that I don't like some fake meat - but a lot of it I do like.

Tofu dogs are just awesome - you need to get a good brand tho. I like Yves the best, and the Morningstar Farms are almost as good. (veggie dogs seem to be harder to find than most of the other 'common' fake meats.)

The breakfast sausages (links) are pretty good.

I'm not the biggest fan of veggie burgers, but every once in a while they're good. I think they're hard to get cooked right (these days I usually just cook them in the toaster). All the brands are kinda different, but I usually like the ones that try less to be like meat.

Those chicken things are gross.

I've never had 'Tofurkey' but I was never a big turkey fan and I don't know that I've ever really seen 'tofurkey' in a store. Most of these foods are TVP and don't have that much to do with actual tofu.

On the subject of tofu, if you get some good spicy fried tofu (family style, or general tsos or something like that) it's awesome. I don't really like soft tofu that much - it's kinda like eating egg whites (it's not too bad in something like hot & sour soup tho).
2001-12-17 07:01:26 PM  
Fleener: I think "Meat Culture" is a great name for a band, if it hasn't already been taken.
2001-12-17 07:02:04 PM  
chik patties rock. But thats the only fake chicken i've liked so far.

and tofu is bland...but thats the cool thing. You can season it to taste pretty much anyway you want it to
2001-12-17 07:02:17 PM  
Who doesn't, Tostfeld...
Macs are nasty greaseballs on a bun.
2001-12-17 07:02:20 PM  
Bonobo62, think of fake meat this way...

Fake meat is to a vegetarian what a nicotine patch is to a cigarette addict. The longer you're a vegetarian, the less you want meat.
2001-12-17 07:05:19 PM  
hey, like I said, I could give a shiat about the animals. All I'm saying is, I left college: stopped biking everywhere. Broke up with my vegetarian girlfriend: started eating meat again.

Three years and thirty pounds later, I'm twelve pounds over the 192 the Navy wants for a 5' 9" recruit. One week of not eating meat later, I'm down three pounds. Make of it what you will.
2001-12-17 07:06:07 PM  
Tostfeld: I've got that feeling right now.. ooh yeah.. gurbnlgglgaurp
2001-12-17 07:10:11 PM  
I'm nto vegitarian or vegan but have friends who are (well veggies anyway), a good gardenburger or what not (espically those discontinued cheddar ones... umm ummm good), a good gardenburger is good eating! No, it's not a hamburger, but if I want a hamburger i'll eat a hamburger, it's a totally different thing, but I like 'em.

gardenburgers and what not also have the dictinct advantage that you can microwave them quickly and eat them on the go. Can't say that about a slab of meat!

most fake meat is really freaking gross though, this is for sure. Honestly though red meat makes me feel like crap and wrecks havoc with my bowels, so I keep it to a minumum when I can.
2001-12-17 07:11:23 PM  
"Fake meat is to a vegetarian what a nicotine patch is to a cigarette addict. The longer you're a vegetarian, the less you want meat"

That's about the only thing I've ever heard about fake meat that makes any sense at all. It finally makes sense.

I chew tobacco (and I eat meat - is my neck red or what?), and I've been checking out that "mint snuff" stuff. Mix it half and half with my regular chew and chew that for a while. Then it's 75% mint snuff, 25% tobacco. And so on, until I'm chewing nothing but the non-tobacco mint snuff.

But this raises even more questions:
Do vegetarians eventually stop eating the fake meat?
If fake meat is like a patch for an addict, can restaurants that serve fake meat be considered rehab clinics?
2001-12-17 07:11:51 PM  
If God had meant us to be vegetarians, he wouldn't have made them smell funny.
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