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(Mother Nature Network)   Here's a recipe for the world's best vegan guacamole. As opposed to all the meat-based guac out there   (mnn.com ) divider line
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3800 clicks; posted to Main » on 10 Aug 2014 at 8:33 AM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-08-10 02:15:50 PM  
Guacamole IS vegetarian, it is made out of ground--up avocados.

Stupid article.
 
2014-08-10 02:38:29 PM  

megarian: Ugh. The GMO people.

I mean, alright I understand people have serious issues with gluten. And it can be awful for them. But stamps? You don't even have to lick stamps anymore (unless you want to for funsies). I do understand some cleaning products for people with extreme sensitivity. Alright. That's fine.

But I really, really do not understand the toilet bowl cleaner.


Gluten-free seems to convey "dog whistle" information to certain groups of generally, well-meaning folks that don't have celiac disease and probably don't drink toilet bowl cleaner. If a product is claimed to be gluten-free it's not something made by the Monsanto and Procter & Gamble-style multi-national corporations.

On the other hand, I am not well-meaning and find it silly. Maybe products could be labeled "not GMO" or "not evil corporate slime" and it might help some consumers.
 
2014-08-10 02:47:03 PM  
Here's my recipe for vegan guacamole:

[GERMAN]:

Die Eier Von Satan

Eine halbe Tasse Staubzucker
Ein Viertel Teeloffel Salz
Eine Messerspitze turkisches Haschisch
Ein halbes Pfund Butter
Ein Teeloffel Vanillenzucker
Ein halbes Pfund Mehl
Einhundertfunfzig Gramm gemahlene Nusse
Ein wenig extra Staubzucker
... und keine Eier

In eine Schussel geben
Butter einruhren
Gemahlene Nusse zugeben und
Den Teig verkneten

Augenballgro?e Stucke vom Teig formen
Im Staubzucker walzen und
Sagt die Zauberworter
Simsalbimbamba Saladu Saladim

Auf ein gefettetes Backblech legen und
Bei zweihundert Grad fur funfzehn Minuten backen und
KEINE EIER

Bei zweihundert Grad fur funfzehn Minuten backen und
Keine Eier.
 
2014-08-10 02:50:25 PM  

tzzhc4: pickled jalapeños

[img.fark.net image 250x272]


Murder by trash compactor is too good for some people.
 
2014-08-10 02:51:15 PM  

Delay: megarian: Huh. There really is gluten free toilet bowl cleaner.

Yep. I work across the street from a "gluten free" shop. They sell stamps, so I go in every so often. You can't believe the products that have jumped on that "gluten free" slogan. Gluten-free pet food. Gluten-free household cleaners. Gluten-free children's building blocks. Gluten-free Halloween toys, not the candy, decorations.

Frankly, I thought it was absurd. I asked a young shopper what was so attractive about gluten-free. She said, "It's not GMO based."


You know, if you kept her talking, you might have been able to classify her as a zombie.
 
2014-08-10 02:52:44 PM  

megarian: Sagt die Zauberworter
Simsalbimbamba Saladu Saladim


That's ... all so beautiful.
 
2014-08-10 02:56:16 PM  

Delay: megarian: Sagt die Zauberworter
Simsalbimbamba Saladu Saladim

That's ... all so beautiful.


It makes eggs sound very intense:

http://youtu.be/VATb8PwzbDk
 
2014-08-10 02:57:25 PM  

AngryDragon: Marisyana: Too late. I live in a very crunchy area of my city and EVERY SINGLE VEGAN broadcasts his/her status. If you don't, enjoy your singularity

This.

Pro-tip to all vegans: If someone asks you if you want to have a hamburger, the correct answer is "no thank you".  After asking a couple times and seeing you eat no meat, dairy, etc, we'll figure it out.  Also acceptable is a simple "I don't eat meat".  That statement will probably keep us from asking you about foods in general because we will realize you have a limited range of culinary preferences.

The moment you loudly and proudly proclaim your veganism, look at me in disgust while I eat, openly criticize what I am eating, or become militant about meat being murder, you are my adversary.  I don't care what you eat, why would you care what I eat?

For those of you who don't act like this, I apologize.  Better have a talk with your contemporaries though, because they are not helping.


YOU have a talk with them. You're the one who's hanging out with the people criticizing your choice in foods. Shockingly, not all vegans know each other, they can't tell each other on sight, and there's no secret handshake. Next time a vegan or vegetarian is giving you a hard time, try telling them calmly "I know you don't eat the same foods I do, but I've thought about my dietary choices and it's my choice. I don't want to talk about it with you." That's pretty much the line my wife (who's vegan) uses when someone tries to convince her to eat meat.
 
2014-08-10 03:01:45 PM  

I May Be Crazy But...: YOU have a talk with them. You're the one who's hanging out with the people criticizing your choice in foods. Shockingly, not all vegans know each other, they can't tell each other on sight, and there's no secret handshake. Next time a vegan or vegetarian is giving you a hard time, try telling them calmly "I know you don't eat the same foods I do, but I've thought about my dietary choices and it's my choice. I don't want to talk about it with you." That's pretty much the line my wife (who's vegan) uses when someone tries to convince her to eat meat


My grandmother taught me common courtesy when I was 5.  I'm not going out of my way to teach an adult that same concept.
 
2014-08-10 03:08:03 PM  

AngryDragon: I May Be Crazy But...: YOU have a talk with them. You're the one who's hanging out with the people criticizing your choice in foods. Shockingly, not all vegans know each other, they can't tell each other on sight, and there's no secret handshake. Next time a vegan or vegetarian is giving you a hard time, try telling them calmly "I know you don't eat the same foods I do, but I've thought about my dietary choices and it's my choice. I don't want to talk about it with you." That's pretty much the line my wife (who's vegan) uses when someone tries to convince her to eat meat

My grandmother taught me common courtesy when I was 5.  I'm not going out of my way to teach an adult that same concept.


Did she also teach you to privately fume over other people's rudeness and pretend to be powerless instead of spending 15 second to do something about it? If there's a problem (say, someone annoying you) try to fix it. I'm willing to bet that even your grandmother wouldn't object to you calmly and politely telling someone you're not interested in having a debate about eating beef with them.
 
2014-08-10 03:36:55 PM  

Mudboy: Simplest Guacamole:
Mashed Avocado
Add chunky picante sauce to taste


Cooked salsa is pretty horrible in guacamole.
 
2014-08-10 03:44:42 PM  

Day_Old_Dutchie: It's a just silly marketing ploy like . . . "All natural",


Hang on there. "All natural" is meaningful. It indicates that the product was prepared with no supernatural means, such as prayer, magic spells, divine intervention, or transubstantiation.

When I see "all natural" on a product, I'm assured it was made with natural processes, such as agriculture, fermentation, distillation, organic chemistry, gene splicing, and nuclear fission. None of that supernatural stuff.
 
2014-08-10 04:11:15 PM  
They will have a standard liability insurance policy that will pay a modest amount.  It's not like it's any different than another company with hired drivers just because it's google.
 
2014-08-10 04:38:08 PM  

I May Be Crazy But...: AngryDragon: I May Be Crazy But...: YOU have a talk with them. You're the one who's hanging out with the people criticizing your choice in foods. Shockingly, not all vegans know each other, they can't tell each other on sight, and there's no secret handshake. Next time a vegan or vegetarian is giving you a hard time, try telling them calmly "I know you don't eat the same foods I do, but I've thought about my dietary choices and it's my choice. I don't want to talk about it with you." That's pretty much the line my wife (who's vegan) uses when someone tries to convince her to eat meat

My grandmother taught me common courtesy when I was 5.  I'm not going out of my way to teach an adult that same concept.

Did she also teach you to privately fume over other people's rudeness and pretend to be powerless instead of spending 15 second to do something about it? If there's a problem (say, someone annoying you) try to fix it. I'm willing to bet that even your grandmother wouldn't object to you calmly and politely telling someone you're not interested in having a debate about eating beef with them.


Really?  It's my responsibility to tell an adult that it's bad form to impose their beliefs on others? I thought that was common knowledge unless you're a douchebag.
 
2014-08-10 04:40:51 PM  

DarkVader: But they are also intentionally bred to be mild now, blame the jalapeno popper for that abomination.


 Habanero poppers.....that is all


Well, not...not really, but yeah Habanero flavored stuff became the new jalapeno, and then that got milded down, the ghost chili became the new habanero and that's not even particularly hot any more.

Or I've just killed those nerve endings......


It farking sucks that alligator pears are $1 each up here. 3/$1 is one of the few things I absolutely miss about Florida.
 
2014-08-10 04:55:30 PM  
The recipe lost me at cilantro.

/the weed with its roots in hell
 
2014-08-10 05:06:20 PM  

MrHappyRotter: If you're going to hate on a group of people, it helps to be educated enough about them to make cogent points that don't make you look like an ignorant fool.

Is it really so difficult to understand that a lot of foods, even foods that are primarily plant based, might still contain certain ingredients that come from animals (any animals, yes that includes insects). Or is it that you simply don't know that there's a significant difference between vegetarians (generally means you don't eat meat, but other animal products are fine) and vegans (no non-human animal products)? Oh, I get it, you're just too cool to give a crap.
Sorry, I had to take a moment to let my eyes stop rolling.


If you really want to go vegan then you should just die and get it over with because I can guarantee that your very existence is meat based. From the shoe leather that your grandfather wore to ward off frostbite and thus could walk to work and meet (and eventually have sex with) your grandmother to the meat based protein that kept your ancestors alive and farking. All of it is a part of your own personal story of evolution from the huge mix of possible murderers, scoundrels and slave traders leading up to who you are today. Nobody is immune from that.
 
2014-08-10 05:33:12 PM  

AngryDragon: Really?  It's my responsibility to tell an adult that it's bad form to impose their beliefs on others? I thought that was common knowledge unless you're a douchebag.


No, it's your responsibility to fix things that are wrong in your life. Apparently being accosted about your food choices is one of those. Don't tell random strangers they better have a talk with their contemporaries, do it yourself. (Even though, I assume, your initial comment was rhetorical, now we're in this discussion.) You have the power to fix the problem if you get off your high horse and talk to the person or people who pester(s) you.

Put it this way - you'd probably stop to get a rock out of your shoe. As long as the person you're dealing with isn't a complete asshole (and if they are, why do you eat with them?) it should take less time than that to ask them to stop. Yeah, someone else probably should have done it a long time ago but they didn't. And now it's up to you to admit that not only is the world not perfect, but for any given problem, there's few people trying to make it better, so you can pitch in and spend a few seconds improving it.
 
2014-08-10 07:29:08 PM  

tzzhc4: pickled jalapeños


Yeeeesss! If the pickled jalapeños weren't bad enough, there was the inclusion of tomatoes and the lack of garlic and tomatillos, as well. That crap would only be guacamole to Sandra Lee.
 
2014-08-10 08:49:37 PM  

I May Be Crazy But...: AngryDragon: Really?  It's my responsibility to tell an adult that it's bad form to impose their beliefs on others? I thought that was common knowledge unless you're a douchebag.

No, it's your responsibility to fix things that are wrong in your life. Apparently being accosted about your food choices is one of those. Don't tell random strangers they better have a talk with their contemporaries, do it yourself. (Even though, I assume, your initial comment was rhetorical, now we're in this discussion.) You have the power to fix the problem if you get off your high horse and talk to the person or people who pester(s) you.

Put it this way - you'd probably stop to get a rock out of your shoe. As long as the person you're dealing with isn't a complete asshole (and if they are, why do you eat with them?) it should take less time than that to ask them to stop. Yeah, someone else probably should have done it a long time ago but they didn't. And now it's up to you to admit that not only is the world not perfect, but for any given problem, there's few people trying to make it better, so you can pitch in and spend a few seconds improving it.


But be respectful.  Talking is better than facepunching in this respect.

/plus, knuckle sandwiches aren't vegan
 
2014-08-11 12:05:55 AM  

JoieD'Zen: I thought all guac was vegan,


I think some terrible heathens put sour cream in it.
 
2014-08-11 12:07:22 AM  

TheLondonLook: tzzhc4: pickled jalapeños

Yeeeesss! If the pickled jalapeños weren't bad enough, there was the inclusion of tomatoes and the lack of garlic and tomatillos, as well. That crap would only be guacamole to Sandra Lee.


Tomatillos in guacamole O_o ???  WTF.  I've never heard of that in my life.  It's guacamole, not salsa verde.
 
2014-08-11 12:12:33 AM  
I like mine simple.
Avocados, cilantro, salt.  Maybe a squeeze of lime or lemon.
 
2014-08-11 12:56:20 AM  

Land_of_the_Magic_Dragon: rga184: Rising_Zan_Samurai_Gunman: abhorrent1: WTF is in regular guacamole that's not vegan? Farking stupid.

I'm not vegan and not a big guac fan so I don't pay that much attention to it, but I'm guessing some store bought guacamole may contain animal based gelatin or other animal based additives to act as preservatives and stabilizing agents.

And based on a quick google search, some people add Worchester sauce in their homemade version, which would also not be vegan.

Jeezus, Americans can find a way to ruin any ethnic dish. Worchester sauce? Sour cream? It's a simple snack, leave it alone.

Worchester sauce is common in Mexican kitchens.


So are eggs, and they don't put those in out guacamole either.
 
2014-08-11 01:10:34 AM  

Gawdzila: Tomatillos in guacamole O_o ??? WTF. I've never heard of that in my life. It's guacamole, not salsa verde.


Meh. Mashed avocados is Guacamole if you want to get down to basics. anything else is like saying that Chicago deep dish pizza is better than thin sliced New York style pizza. Onion, salt, garlic, tomatoes, olives, even lime juice are all technically not Guacamole ingredients but I've seen them in what anyone reasonable would call a "Real" Mexican food joint.

Who cares as long as it tastes good and it doesn't give you the shiats.
 
2014-08-11 01:21:36 AM  

Gawdzila: TheLondonLook: tzzhc4: pickled jalapeños

Yeeeesss! If the pickled jalapeños weren't bad enough, there was the inclusion of tomatoes and the lack of garlic and tomatillos, as well. That crap would only be guacamole to Sandra Lee.

Tomatillos in guacamole O_o ???  WTF.  I've never heard of that in my life.  It's guacamole, not salsa verde.


Well, I suppose they don't have much *real* guacamole in The Appalachians, where you're from. Tomatillos are a standard ingredient in guacamole everywhere else.
 
2014-08-11 01:25:58 AM  

Radioactive Ass: Gawdzila: Tomatillos in guacamole O_o ??? WTF. I've never heard of that in my life. It's guacamole, not salsa verde.

Meh. Mashed avocados is Guacamole if you want to get down to basics. anything else is like saying that Chicago deep dish pizza is better than thin sliced New York style pizza. Onion, salt, garlic, tomatoes, olives, even lime juice are all technically not Guacamole ingredients but I've seen them in what anyone reasonable would call a "Real" Mexican food joint.

Who cares as long as it tastes good and it doesn't give you the shiats.


Onion, garlic, salt, and especially lime juice *are* all technically guacamole ingredients. I'm not sure what kind of guacamole you've been eating, but it's not really guacamole at all.
 
2014-08-11 02:24:21 AM  

TheLondonLook: Well, I suppose they don't have much *real* guacamole in The Appalachians, where you're from.


Uh, except that I live in Southern California and half my family is Mexican?


TheLondonLook: Tomatillos are a standard ingredient in guacamole everywhere else.


No, not really.
 
2014-08-11 03:16:06 AM  

Gawdzila: TheLondonLook: Well, I suppose they don't have much *real* guacamole in The Appalachians, where you're from.

Uh, except that I live in Southern California and half my family is Mexican?


TheLondonLook: Tomatillos are a standard ingredient in guacamole everywhere else.

No, not really.


Well then, perhaps you should call Mexico and speak to the half of your family that's Mexican so they can tell you that tomatillos aren't at all unheard of in guacamole.
You know, that's if half of your family really is Mexican, and you didn't just say that to make your little story better.
If you do indeed live in SoCal, you must have your head under a rock. You don't need to be Mexican to know how to make guacamole properly. You can ask Rick Bayless about that.
 
2014-08-11 04:20:39 AM  

TheLondonLook: Onion, garlic, salt, and especially lime juice *are* all technically guacamole ingredients. I'm not sure what kind of guacamole you've been eating, but it's not really guacamole at all.


That's funny. I mentioned all of those as the usual ingredients but you still had to comment. It's still all about the mashed up avocado. No avocado, no guacamole. Plain and simple. Whatever you add after that is up to you.
 
2014-08-11 06:32:22 AM  
Tomatillos as a standard ingredient in guacamole? Not really, at least in any guacamole I've had. 

TheLondonLook: Gawdzila: TheLondonLook: Well, I suppose they don't have much *real* guacamole in The Appalachians, where you're from.

Uh, except that I live in Southern California and half my family is Mexican?


TheLondonLook: Tomatillos are a standard ingredient in guacamole everywhere else.

No, not really.

Well then, perhaps you should call Mexico and speak to the half of your family that's Mexican so they can tell you that tomatillos aren't at all unheard of in guacamole.
You know, that's if half of your family really is Mexican, and you didn't just say that to make your little story better.
If you do indeed live in SoCal, you must have your head under a rock. You don't need to be Mexican to know how to make guacamole properly. You can ask Rick Bayless about that.


Rick Bayless, eh? Quite the authority, from Oklahoma City.  I've NEVER had a guacamole with tomatillos as a base ingredient. Ever. You must frequent trendy places where odd ingredients in Mexican cuisine are the norm.
 
2014-08-11 10:17:23 AM  
People who put mayo in their guacamole use sour mix to make their margaritas. Yuck.
 
2014-08-11 10:21:21 AM  

MrEricSir: Technically regular guacamole doesn't have animal products, but it's just not the same if you aren't torturing a horse to death while you make it. That's how we always do it at my place, and trust me, we make the best guacamole you've ever tasted.


This is ridiculous. Torturing a horse?  We molest a cow, as god intended. You must be from New York.
 
2014-08-11 11:32:25 AM  

The_Hound: Tomatillos as a standard ingredient in guacamole? Not really, at least in any guacamole I've had.  TheLondonLook: Gawdzila: TheLondonLook: Well, I suppose they don't have much *real* guacamole in The Appalachians, where you're from.

Uh, except that I live in Southern California and half my family is Mexican?


TheLondonLook: Tomatillos are a standard ingredient in guacamole everywhere else.

No, not really.

Well then, perhaps you should call Mexico and speak to the half of your family that's Mexican so they can tell you that tomatillos aren't at all unheard of in guacamole.
You know, that's if half of your family really is Mexican, and you didn't just say that to make your little story better.
If you do indeed live in SoCal, you must have your head under a rock. You don't need to be Mexican to know how to make guacamole properly. You can ask Rick Bayless about that.

Rick Bayless, eh? Quite the authority, from Oklahoma City.  I've NEVER had a guacamole with tomatillos as a base ingredient. Ever. You must frequent trendy places where odd ingredients in Mexican cuisine are the norm.


I mentioned Rick Bayless because the other poster said that "half of his family" was Mexican, which implied that because he knows Mexicans that don't use tomatillos in their guacamole that that was proof nobody ever uses it. I'm not a fan of Bayless, but he has lived in Mexico and does make an effort to make authentic Mexican food. I'm not much of a foodie, so I can't really think of any other white chef that is known for doing Mexican cuisine besides him. If you can think of someone, by all means, go ahead and mentally replace their name with his in my post if it makes you feel better.
I wouldn't know anything about trendy Mexican places at all. I rarely pay for food I can make better myself. When I have gone to Mexican restaurants, Usually I see red tomatoes used in guacamole, which annoys me to no end. Tomate is the word for both red tomatoes and tomatillos in Spanish, although jitomate is used more often for the red kind. Tomatoes are more popular in the US, so lots of restaurants use tomatoes and not tomatillos in their guacamole, because it's what people here prefer. Tomatillos are a more traditional Mexican ingredient. I, myself, use tomatillos because that's how my entire family makes it and always has. It's possible throwing a tomatillo in guacamole is a variation specific to either Sinaloa or Durango, where my family is from, idk. But I do know that's how I have always made it, that's how some of my Mexican/Chicano friends make it, and nobody that has ever heard of or seen my guacamole has ever expressed the shock and awe from the addition of a tomatillo into guacamole that posters on fark have.
/tldr version: Some Mexicans and Mexican Americans use tomatillos instead of the more common in the US tomato in guacamole, because that's how some of us do it.
//So sorry you think only Chipotle makes authentic guacamole.
 
2014-08-11 01:55:01 PM  

Land_of_the_Magic_Dragon: mutterfark: Jimmy's getting angry: mutterfark: Jimmy's getting angry: Make sure you use the "hot variety" jalapenos.

For the love of all that's tasty, THIS. Why do we have to have neutered jalapenos? Years ago I ruined a batch of salsa because I didn't know there were such things as non-hot jalapenos. Now, I always taste a bit of each pepper.

Really? Because I was being facetious.
Those exist? That's an abomination. If you want sweet pepper, just use a bell pepper.
That being said, I use cayenne for heat in guacamole.

They definitely exist(although they may just be accidental), and the various methods of telling them apart that I have been told about, have always failed. Hence the taste test now. I have had several friends have the same experience of peppers with the flavor of a jalapeno, but zero kick.
May as well put ketchup on a taco. Bleecchh!

Any variety of jalapeno can be scorching hot. The key is very hot weather. The hotter the temperature the better. Don't over water either. Just enough to keep the plants going. Hot peppers love miserable weather.


I'm not sure if this is true. I have grown them and Habenaros and the difference in heat coming off of the same plant can be astounding
 
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