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(Vulture)   "For a movie about talking reptiles, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles takes itself way too seriously"   (vulture.com) divider line 132
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2776 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 07 Aug 2014 at 3:07 PM (16 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-08-07 11:49:27 AM  
Wow.  I was expecting TMNT to stink to high heaven but....

Wow.
 
2014-08-07 11:56:12 AM  
FUNFACT:  Years ago, when I was a young kid just out of college trying to figure out what the hell I was doing with my life I met a guy that offered me a job as a P.A. on the Ninja Turtle movie that had Vanilla Ice in it.  I turned it down because I ended up getting a job that paid a decent wage and met a girl that I was absolutely crazy about.

I often wonder what my life would have turned into, if I had been a production assistant on the Ninja Turtle movie that had Vanilla Ice in it.
 
2014-08-07 12:19:48 PM  
I was a fan of TMNT when I was a kid, but my god, this movie looks like it doesn't have even one redeeming quality, not even for nostalgia's sake.
 
2014-08-07 12:21:58 PM  
Eastman and Laird may finally see that which they had drawn in black and white hit the silver screen the way it should have been done over all these years.
 
2014-08-07 12:46:38 PM  

brap: FUNFACT:  Years ago, when I was a young kid just out of college trying to figure out what the hell I was doing with my life I met a guy that offered me a job as a P.A. on the Ninja Turtle movie that had Vanilla Ice in it.  I turned it down because I ended up getting a job that paid a decent wage and met a girl that I was absolutely crazy about.

I often wonder what my life would have turned into, if I had been a production assistant on the Ninja Turtle movie that had Vanilla Ice in it.


You had a chance to be a production assistant for the Ninja Rap? And you passed on it?!

/Go Ninja
//Go Ninja
///GO
 
2014-08-07 01:10:07 PM  

scottydoesntknow: You had a chance to be a production assistant for the Ninja Rap? And you passed on it?!

/Go Ninja
//Go Ninja
///GO



GO NINJA GO NINJA GO!!

oh, oh no....

sonofabiatchihateyousomuch
 
2014-08-07 01:13:30 PM  

The Stealth Hippopotamus: scottydoesntknow: You had a chance to be a production assistant for the Ninja Rap? And you passed on it?!

/Go Ninja
//Go Ninja
///GO


GO NINJA GO NINJA GO!!

oh, oh no....

sonofabiatchihateyousomuch


Ninja! Ninja... RAP!
Ninja! Ninja... RAP!

/awww, crap...
 
2014-08-07 01:17:14 PM  
 
2014-08-07 01:22:57 PM  
I kind of like the CG animated movie they made a few years ago.

But I don't think that I'll be seeing this one.
 
2014-08-07 03:11:55 PM  
s3.argim.net

Movie probably sucks, but hey, Megan Fox boobies.
 
2014-08-07 03:17:50 PM  
The clip of the turtles in the elevator was enough to rate this movie "Nope".

Never watch that clip or the movie. I implore you. That scene is the purest form of a creative decision made by a suit or an insane producer. It's existence relies on pure cynicism. The property is dumb so we must placate the morons who will watch it. This should stimulate their brains for 3 minutes.

Like looking into the Ark.
 
2014-08-07 03:19:12 PM  

The Goddamn Batman: I was a fan of TMNT when I was a kid, but my god, this movie looks like it doesn't have even one redeeming quality, not even for nostalgia's sake.


The reviews I've seen have been across the board.

Some like it, some hate it, some are indifferent, and then we've got the ones Fark links to because the Michael Bay hate quota hasn't been achieved yet.

I'm still going to see Guardians of the Galaxy again this weekend. But I'm curious to see TMNT eventually - mainly because I suspect that when it all pans out, the movie isn't going to be anywhere near as bad as folks seem to want it to be. It might not be that great, either...but I believe my childhood will remain happily unmolested.

/some days, I think people have truly forgotten what actual BAD movies are.
 
2014-08-07 03:20:20 PM  
Miner grammatical nouny error: are turtles amphibians or reptiles? Is fark like google?

This comment is pointless. But probably on the same level as other comments about a movie none of us have seen yet.
 
2014-08-07 03:21:00 PM  

brap: FUNFACT:  Years ago, when I was a young kid just out of college trying to figure out what the hell I was doing with my life I met a guy that offered me a job as a P.A. on the Ninja Turtle movie that had Vanilla Ice in it.  I turned it down because I ended up getting a job that paid a decent wage and met a girl that I was absolutely crazy about.

I often wonder what my life would have turned into, if I had been a production assistant on the Ninja Turtle movie that had Vanilla Ice in it.


You should have dropped that zero and went with the hero.
 
2014-08-07 03:23:48 PM  
April Oneil should have been April Oneil.

/or maybe Sasha Grey
 
2014-08-07 03:23:57 PM  
Medium threadjack, but does anyone have a working link to the after-credits scene from Guardians of the Galaxy?
 
2014-08-07 03:24:09 PM  
I'm not going to call the original TMNT trilogy high art or anything, but they were fun movies that you can still enjoy with a little nostalgia to help.  Hell, even the cartoon movie wasn't terrible.

That said, although I love the turtles, I'd rather not see what a Michael Bay-esque version of them is having seen what he did to The Transformers.

/lucky enough to have only seen the first Bay Transformers
 
2014-08-07 03:24:35 PM  

tricycleracer: Medium threadjack, but does anyone have a working link to the after-credits scene from Guardians of the Galaxy?


Yes.
 
2014-08-07 03:25:04 PM  

DjangoStonereaver: tricycleracer: Medium threadjack, but does anyone have a working link to the after-credits scene from Guardians of the Galaxy?

Yes.


Thanks!  You're the best.
 
2014-08-07 03:27:16 PM  

Decillion: The clip of the turtles in the elevator was enough to rate this movie "Nope".

Never watch that clip or the movie. I implore you. That scene is the purest form of a creative decision made by a suit or an insane producer. It's existence relies on pure cynicism. The property is dumb so we must placate the morons who will watch it. This should stimulate their brains for 3 minutes.

Like looking into the Ark.


It's odd. I've seen two reviews now that refer to that scene a the bright spot in an otherwise dismal failure.
 
2014-08-07 03:28:00 PM  

tricycleracer: DjangoStonereaver: tricycleracer: Medium threadjack, but does anyone have a working link to the after-credits scene from Guardians of the Galaxy?

Yes.

Thanks!  You're the best.


They just went for Intergalactic Shwarma
 
2014-08-07 03:28:02 PM  

macross87: April Oneil should have been April Oneil.

/or maybe Sasha Grey


Man, that scene she did as Lt. Commander Troi was awesome.  Shame she didn't also do a lesbian scene with Dr. Crusher.
 
2014-08-07 03:30:23 PM  

Summoner101: That said, although I love the turtles, I'd rather not see what a Michael Bay-esque version of them is having seen what he did to The Transformers.


Turn it into a billion dollar franchise?

(I know, quantity/quality etc.)
 
2014-08-07 03:30:26 PM  

Satanic_Hamster: macross87: April Oneil should have been April Oneil.

/or maybe Sasha Grey

Man, that scene she did as Lt. Commander Troi was awesome.  Shame she didn't also do a lesbian scene with Dr. Crusher.


There was a Star Trek XXX parody?

...Hmm...

/please tell me Nina Hartley was Dr. Crusher
 
2014-08-07 03:34:22 PM  

tricycleracer: DjangoStonereaver: tricycleracer: Medium threadjack, but does anyone have a working link to the after-credits scene from Guardians of the Galaxy?

Yes.

Thanks!  You're the best.


I predict disappointment for you.
 
2014-08-07 03:35:16 PM  
Is this a sign that we've reached Peak Gritty Reboot?
 
2014-08-07 03:36:37 PM  

CarnySaur: Summoner101: That said, although I love the turtles, I'd rather not see what a Michael Bay-esque version of them is having seen what he did to The Transformers.

Turn it into a billion dollar franchise?

(I know, quantity/quality etc.)


That may be harder to do for the turtles.  There aren't too many competing giant robot movies breaking stuff (ala Pacific Rim), so quality doesn't really matter.  While TMNT has the mutant hero edge, there are plenty of other action hero properties to compete with it (ala Guardians of the Galaxy).  If TMNT is Nickelodeon/Paramount's foray in to Marvel/DC territory, then this, I think, was not the way to do it.

Then again, I'm probably wrong and it will make billions of dollars which will only lead to the rest of my childhood being co-opted by idiots.

/hopefully not
 
2014-08-07 03:41:04 PM  
Half the fun of the early comics is how serious everyone is. It goes from being simply melodramatic to straight up parody of comics at the time, and in that sense I enjoy those early issues. In the movie that closed out the early 2000's series, several different groups of turtles from alternate realities are involved. Mikey loves the 80's ones (to a point) and Raph likes the ultra-serious comic book ones. But if you watch that movie you can see what a tightrope that is to walk (the DVD is missing a few minutes that included shots of the old Archie comics, the original movies from the early 90's, the live action tv show, the Japanese sentai thing, etc).

This flick looks like the Turtles with Michael Bay's penchant for subtlety stamped on their faces until all that's left is a grimey paste, only without any of the unintentional comedy one expects from a Bay film. I'll see it when Son of Flying Pig becomes a feature action film and makes all the monies and wins every intellectual award at the same time.

/only Bay could make a robot space dinosaur look too stupid to be stupidly enjoyable.
 
2014-08-07 03:41:07 PM  

Lochsteppe: Is this a sign that we've reached Peak Gritty Reboot?


Goonies could be rebooted with Mikey as a crack-addicted street urchin whose pirate treasure quest is to break into his former brothel and steal all the money made by him for child sex traffickers. Chunk dies partway through the movie when he can't find his insulin.
 
2014-08-07 03:42:53 PM  

Summoner101: CarnySaur: Summoner101: That said, although I love the turtles, I'd rather not see what a Michael Bay-esque version of them is having seen what he did to The Transformers.

Turn it into a billion dollar franchise?

(I know, quantity/quality etc.)

That may be harder to do for the turtles.  There aren't too many competing giant robot movies breaking stuff (ala Pacific Rim), so quality doesn't really matter.  While TMNT has the mutant hero edge, there are plenty of other action hero properties to compete with it (ala Guardians of the Galaxy).  If TMNT is Nickelodeon/Paramount's foray in to Marvel/DC territory, then this, I think, was not the way to do it.

Then again, I'm probably wrong and it will make billions of dollars which will only lead to the rest of my childhood being co-opted by idiots.

/hopefully not


I am hoping that GotG's 2nd weekend beats TMNT's opening weekend.

Doubtful, but it would be cool.
 
2014-08-07 03:48:45 PM  

scottydoesntknow: Summoner101: CarnySaur: Summoner101: That said, although I love the turtles, I'd rather not see what a Michael Bay-esque version of them is having seen what he did to The Transformers.

Turn it into a billion dollar franchise?

(I know, quantity/quality etc.)

That may be harder to do for the turtles.  There aren't too many competing giant robot movies breaking stuff (ala Pacific Rim), so quality doesn't really matter.  While TMNT has the mutant hero edge, there are plenty of other action hero properties to compete with it (ala Guardians of the Galaxy).  If TMNT is Nickelodeon/Paramount's foray in to Marvel/DC territory, then this, I think, was not the way to do it.

Then again, I'm probably wrong and it will make billions of dollars which will only lead to the rest of my childhood being co-opted by idiots.

/hopefully not

I am hoping that GotG's 2nd weekend beats TMNT's opening weekend.

Doubtful, but it would be cool.


Taking son to GotG this weekend. $6.50 10am showings at our theater are awesome!
 
2014-08-07 03:49:27 PM  

macross87: April Oneil should have been April Oneil.

/or maybe Sasha Grey


Hoping for some turtle porn?

/NTTAWWT
 
2014-08-07 03:51:01 PM  

brap: FUNFACT:  Years ago, when I was a young kid just out of college trying to figure out what the hell I was doing with my life I met a guy that offered me a job as a P.A. on the Ninja Turtle movie that had Vanilla Ice in it.  I turned it down because I ended up getting a job that paid a decent wage and met a girl that I was absolutely crazy about.

I often wonder what my life would have turned into, if I had been a production assistant on the Ninja Turtle movie that had Vanilla Ice in it.


Small world. I turned down a PA job on the third Turtle movie.  They couldn't meet my price range.  As in "I would like to be paid something, ANYTHING.  Snacks or even a t-shirt will do."  Cheap bastards produced those flicks.
 
2014-08-07 03:51:59 PM  
Speilberg commented on what how much soul Michael Bay and bring to a movie, proving he is nothing but a hack as well. If the shark prop on Jaws worked properly, we would not know who he is.
 
2014-08-07 03:58:09 PM  
I have no interest in watching a movie where I will be forced to stare at a character whose face appears to be made of plastic.

/Also, I have read that the Turtles themselves look terrible.
 
2014-08-07 04:01:49 PM  
Nemo's Brother: Speilberg commented on what how much soul Michael Bay and bring to a movie, proving he is nothing but a hack as well. If the shark prop on Jaws worked properly, we would not know who he is.

At least Spielberg can formulate a sentence that makes some minimal degree of sense.
 
2014-08-07 04:02:13 PM  

Jaden Smith First of His Name: Lochsteppe: Is this a sign that we've reached Peak Gritty Reboot?

Goonies could be rebooted with Mikey as a crack-addicted street urchin whose pirate treasure quest is to break into his former brothel and steal all the money made by him for child sex traffickers. Chunk dies partway through the movie when he can't find his insulin.


Jesus, that's the most depressing thing I've read today.
 
2014-08-07 04:03:10 PM  

Clutch2013: Satanic_Hamster: macross87: April Oneil should have been April Oneil.

/or maybe Sasha Grey

Man, that scene she did as Lt. Commander Troi was awesome.  Shame she didn't also do a lesbian scene with Dr. Crusher.

There was a Star Trek XXX parody?

...Hmm...

/please tell me Nina Hartley was Dr. Crusher


img.avn.com

Don't think they even did a Crusher scene.
 
2014-08-07 04:06:14 PM  

Summoner101: CarnySaur: Summoner101: That said, although I love the turtles, I'd rather not see what a Michael Bay-esque version of them is having seen what he did to The Transformers.

Turn it into a billion dollar franchise?

(I know, quantity/quality etc.)

That may be harder to do for the turtles.  There aren't too many competing giant robot movies breaking stuff (ala Pacific Rim), so quality doesn't really matter.  While TMNT has the mutant hero edge, there are plenty of other action hero properties to compete with it (ala Guardians of the Galaxy).  If TMNT is Nickelodeon/Paramount's foray in to Marvel/DC territory, then this, I think, was not the way to do it.

Then again, I'm probably wrong and it will make billions of dollars which will only lead to the rest of my childhood being co-opted by idiots.

/hopefully not


The mistake was hooking into the Michael Bay machine.  There's a dread joylessness to his movies - even if he doesn't direct - that is uniform and pervasive, because he only worries about things on an atomic/second-by-second level.  Humor is beyond him.

His adolescent sensibility might have worked - girl with breasts! explosions! - but there's a wryness and especially a comraderie to the Turtles that is utterly beyond him.
 
2014-08-07 04:06:23 PM  

Dimensio: I have no interest in watching a movie where I will be forced to stare at a character whose face appears to be made of plastic.

/Also, I have read that the Turtles themselves look terrible.


Did you watch Toy Story?
 
2014-08-07 04:13:28 PM  
Apparently the movie may be a good time, if you are intoxicated.
 
2014-08-07 04:13:33 PM  

Satanic_Hamster: Clutch2013: Satanic_Hamster: macross87: April Oneil should have been April Oneil.

/or maybe Sasha Grey

Man, that scene she did as Lt. Commander Troi was awesome.  Shame she didn't also do a lesbian scene with Dr. Crusher.

There was a Star Trek XXX parody?

...Hmm...

/please tell me Nina Hartley was Dr. Crusher



Don't think they even did a Crusher scene.


I want to see that, now...
 
2014-08-07 04:18:21 PM  
Teenagers are not known for being 300 lbs of bulging muscles. In fact, neither are ninjas. Or turtles.
 
2014-08-07 04:26:22 PM  

Big Beef Burrito: tricycleracer: DjangoStonereaver: tricycleracer: Medium threadjack, but does anyone have a working link to the after-credits scene from Guardians of the Galaxy?

Yes.

Thanks!  You're the best.

I predict disappointment for you.


[thatsthejoke.png]
 
2014-08-07 04:33:16 PM  

PanicMan: Teenagers are not known for being 300 lbs of bulging muscles. In fact, neither are ninjas. Or turtles.


But they like pizza right?  RIGHT?

I'm kidding, THEY LOVE IT!
 
2014-08-07 04:35:25 PM  

PanicMan: Teenagers are not known for being 300 lbs of bulging muscles. In fact, neither are ninjas. Or turtles.


Yep, I said the same thing in the last thread on this. Rafael's biceps are so big I don't even understand how he can bend his arm. It's like the OOZE was mixed with horse steroids. Or whatever it was the guys in Gears of War took to get so jacked.
 
2014-08-07 04:41:48 PM  
South Park told us everything you need to know about Michael Bay in a 30 second clip from their Imaginationland trilogy.
 
2014-08-07 04:43:33 PM  

scottydoesntknow: Summoner101: CarnySaur: Summoner101: That said, although I love the turtles, I'd rather not see what a Michael Bay-esque version of them is having seen what he did to The Transformers.

Turn it into a billion dollar franchise?

(I know, quantity/quality etc.)

That may be harder to do for the turtles.  There aren't too many competing giant robot movies breaking stuff (ala Pacific Rim), so quality doesn't really matter.  While TMNT has the mutant hero edge, there are plenty of other action hero properties to compete with it (ala Guardians of the Galaxy).  If TMNT is Nickelodeon/Paramount's foray in to Marvel/DC territory, then this, I think, was not the way to do it.

Then again, I'm probably wrong and it will make billions of dollars which will only lead to the rest of my childhood being co-opted by idiots.

/hopefully not

I am hoping that GotG's 2nd weekend beats TMNT's opening weekend.

Doubtful, but it would be cool.


I am going this weekend to see it for a 4th time just in the hopes this will happen.
 
2014-08-07 04:47:37 PM  

cgraves67: Dimensio: I have no interest in watching a movie where I will be forced to stare at a character whose face appears to be made of plastic.

/Also, I have read that the Turtles themselves look terrible.

Did you watch Toy Story?


Looks like we can eliminate this guy as an option for "guess Drax the Destroyer's Fark username"
 
2014-08-07 04:48:19 PM  
I finally realized what's so damn creepy about the way the turtles look. They gave them human lips. Seriously, it's unnerving
 
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