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(Badass Digest)   "This is a movie designed to pacify a nine year old. It's an assault of noise and stupidity that exists for the parent who doesn't want to give their kid another dose of ADD medication but wants them to shut the fark up"   (badassdigest.com ) divider line
    More: Obvious, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Heroes, April O'Neil, Film criticism, William Fichtner, Shredder, Platinum Dunes, set design  
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9535 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 05 Aug 2014 at 8:53 PM (1 year ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-08-05 08:18:54 PM  
But the turtles end up crowded out of their own picture, sidelined by April O'Neil, who takes center stage.

It's weird; I like the idea of the female character getting more to do, but the movie's title is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Coming into the story through her POV makes a bit of sense (the movie, for some reason, plays the turtles as a reveal) but staying there? All the way through the last scene of the film? I don't get it. We don't need a human surrogate to get into this world.


It's Michael f*cking Bay. He turned a story about giant fighting robots that turn into cars into a story about Shia Lebouf trying to save whatever ass he happens to be tapping in the film.

Anyway, I have no desire to see this movie. Every single thing in the commercials just seems wrong. The voices don't sound right, they look goofy as fark (look at Raphael's biceps in that pic, I don't think he should be able to physically bend his arms), and it just looks dumb. Jim Henson's puppets knock those out of the sewer, in looks and voice acting.
 
2014-08-05 08:29:25 PM  
I got over them kiddie-fying the original Eastman & Laird source material over two decades ago, so as long as my five-year-old is a happy little man, I don't care.
 
2014-08-05 08:31:15 PM  
I am fine with it existing to amuse nine-year-olds. What I don't understand is 40-something year old men going to see it by themselves.
 
2014-08-05 08:45:12 PM  

Nabb1: I got over them kiddie-fying the original Eastman & Laird source material over two decades ago, so as long as my five-year-old is a happy little man, I don't care.


That's the attitude! It's a movie for kids and not film critics, FFS.

/Still have those old Eastman & Laird comics around here somewhere.
 
2014-08-05 08:45:18 PM  
Yeah. It was pure Shakespearean excellence originally and they've just ruined it for everyone now.
 
2014-08-05 08:57:18 PM  
I have this hope that Guardians of the Galaxy takes the #1 spot again, based on critical acclaim and strong word-of-mouth. F*ck Michael Bay and this mutated abomination.
 
2014-08-05 09:02:59 PM  
I am uninterested in "mainstream" reviewers whose pedestrian tastes have no bearing upon my own. I have been looking forward to not seeing this movie since the first day that it was announced. Every new piece of information that I learn regarding the film has increased my eagerness to not buy a ticket on opening night.
 
2014-08-05 09:04:50 PM  

scottydoesntknow: Anyway, I have no desire to see this movie. Every single thing in the commercials just seems wrong. The voices don't sound right, they look goofy as fark (look at Raphael's biceps in that pic, I don't think he should be able to physically bend his arms), and it just looks dumb. Jim Henson's puppets knock those out of the sewer, in looks and voice acting.


I am bothered neither by the voices nor by the appearances of the turtles. However, when I viewed a promotional clip that showcased the four turtles taking turns "Shh"-ing one another, I realised that under no circumstances could I ever even be tempted to view the movie.
 
2014-08-05 09:07:00 PM  

Dimensio: scottydoesntknow: Anyway, I have no desire to see this movie. Every single thing in the commercials just seems wrong. The voices don't sound right, they look goofy as fark (look at Raphael's biceps in that pic, I don't think he should be able to physically bend his arms), and it just looks dumb. Jim Henson's puppets knock those out of the sewer, in looks and voice acting.

I am bothered neither by the voices nor by the appearances of the turtles. However, when I viewed a promotional clip that showcased the four turtles taking turns "Shh"-ing one another, I realised that under no circumstances could I ever even be tempted to view the movie.


They weren't "Shh-"ing each other. They were interrupting each other before they could say how much shiat this movie is.
 
2014-08-05 09:07:53 PM  
Da fsk?  Who redesigned these, Rob Liefeld?

Also:  I know Raphael is the token asshole, but does he really need to be flipping me the bird with one of his sai?

See also:

www.fybertech.com
 
2014-08-05 09:10:33 PM  
I'm excited that another summer blockbuster is revolving around magic blood.
 
2014-08-05 09:12:19 PM  
I suppose that brings to an end Megan Fox's historic string of critical successes. Hopefully it won't blemish her career too badly, nor the otherwise sterling body of work of Michael Bay.
 
2014-08-05 09:12:25 PM  

quatchi: Nabb1: I got over them kiddie-fying the original Eastman & Laird source material over two decades ago, so as long as my five-year-old is a happy little man, I don't care.

That's the attitude! It's a movie for kids and not film critics, FFS.

/Still have those old Eastman & Laird comics around here somewhere.


I pulled out my number one last week and showed it to my son. He's still a little young to grasp what he was looking at but he got a big kick out of reading it with me.
 
2014-08-05 09:12:33 PM  

PleaseHamletDon'tHurtEm: Da fsk?  Who redesigned these, Rob Liefeld?

Also:  I know Raphael is the token asshole, but does he really need to be flipping me the bird with one of his sai?

See also:

[www.fybertech.com image 598x606]


As has been noted: that cannot be an authentic Liefeld creation, given that the character's feet are visible.
 
2014-08-05 09:14:12 PM  
My favorite blurb I will read about a film this summer.
 
2014-08-05 09:16:53 PM  

Dimensio: PleaseHamletDon'tHurtEm: Da fsk?  Who redesigned these, Rob Liefeld?

Also:  I know Raphael is the token asshole, but does he really need to be flipping me the bird with one of his sai?

See also:

[www.fybertech.com image 598x606]

As has been noted: that cannot be an authentic Liefeld creation, given that the character's feet are visible.


I've been oh-snapped.

If only the impostor artist had drawn Bloodpouch standing on tiptoe, we could have been fooled much more handily.
 
2014-08-05 09:17:31 PM  
That's what this movie is supposed to do.  That's what the old movies were supposed to do.  The cartoons were meant to do this and sell a lot of toys at the same time.
 
2014-08-05 09:17:35 PM  
My issue with TMNT is the conflicting story. On one hand Master Splinter taught the turtles to be ninjas because pre-Ooze he learned it in a cage from his master on the belief that it would help his turtles remain hidden from the outside world.

But then on the other hand Shredder who killed Splinter's master wants to kill Splinter because he got his face scratched by the rat.

Personally (and I know the movies will never admit this) I think Splinter was raising the turtles to exact his revenge for his fallen master and Shredder out of self-preservation struck first. Thus Splinter is morally in the black as well for both robbing these turtles of a childhood and being too lazy/old to take his own revenge for himself.
 
2014-08-05 09:29:21 PM  
.....which, of course, means that Armond White loved it.
 
2014-08-05 09:39:31 PM  

macross87: Needs the "true" April Oneil...


The porn star? Not sure that would fly in a kids movie.
 
2014-08-05 09:51:20 PM  

macross87: commisioner: macross87: Needs the "true" April Oneil...

The porn star? Not sure that would fly in a kids movie.

They need sex-ed too


May be relevant

img.fark.net

/Yo, Dawg...
 
2014-08-05 09:52:33 PM  
Isn't that the point of TTMNT subby?
 
2014-08-05 09:52:56 PM  

scottydoesntknow: But the turtles end up crowded out of their own picture, sidelined by April O'Neil, who takes center stage.

It's weird; I like the idea of the female character getting more to do, but the movie's title is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Coming into the story through her POV makes a bit of sense (the movie, for some reason, plays the turtles as a reveal) but staying there? All the way through the last scene of the film? I don't get it. We don't need a human surrogate to get into this world.

It's Michael f*cking Bay. He turned a story about giant fighting robots that turn into cars into a story about Shia Lebouf trying to save whatever ass he happens to be tapping in the film.

Anyway, I have no desire to see this movie. Every single thing in the commercials just seems wrong. The voices don't sound right, they look goofy as fark (look at Raphael's biceps in that pic, I don't think he should be able to physically bend his arms), and it just looks dumb. Jim Henson's puppets knock those out of the sewer, in looks and voice acting.


I saw the preview for this before GotG, and wow, the CGI turtle models are just horrendous.  They look grotesque, nothing like the cartoon or the original live action movies.  That alone would prevent me from seeing it.

Megan Fox does look like she's doing her typical trashy-girl-next-door thing though, so that's probably a plus.
 
2014-08-05 09:54:28 PM  
Also, did they keep the original theme music, or at least some recognizable update of it, anywhere in the film?  That was one of my biggest complains about the Bey Transformers movie - it didn't include the original music anywhere even though it's one of the most recognizable and classic cartoon theme songs.
 
2014-08-05 09:54:45 PM  

LegacyDL: My issue with TMNT is the conflicting story. On one hand Master Splinter taught the turtles to be ninjas because pre-Ooze he learned it in a cage from his master on the belief that it would help his turtles remain hidden from the outside world.

But then on the other hand Shredder who killed Splinter's master wants to kill Splinter because he got his face scratched by the rat.

Personally (and I know the movies will never admit this) I think Splinter was raising the turtles to exact his revenge for his fallen master and Shredder out of self-preservation struck first. Thus Splinter is morally in the black as well for both robbing these turtles of a childhood and being too lazy/old to take his own revenge for himself.


Too much Japanessy would not suit well with the Chinese audience.

The movie's target is probably China more than your Micheal Bay/Megan Fox hating ass.
 
2014-08-05 09:55:36 PM  
Y'all can whine and moan all you want. It'll make 100 million.

/Havent been to the movies since 1998
//I DO own a TV
 
2014-08-05 09:56:32 PM  
So like every other superhero movie then?
 
2014-08-05 09:57:04 PM  

devilskware: It'll make 100 million


Ha you realize in 2014 that would make it a nearly historical flop?
 
2014-08-05 09:57:19 PM  

TuteTibiImperes: scottydoesntknow: But the turtles end up crowded out of their own picture, sidelined by April O'Neil, who takes center stage.

It's weird; I like the idea of the female character getting more to do, but the movie's title is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Coming into the story through her POV makes a bit of sense (the movie, for some reason, plays the turtles as a reveal) but staying there? All the way through the last scene of the film? I don't get it. We don't need a human surrogate to get into this world.

It's Michael f*cking Bay. He turned a story about giant fighting robots that turn into cars into a story about Shia Lebouf trying to save whatever ass he happens to be tapping in the film.

Anyway, I have no desire to see this movie. Every single thing in the commercials just seems wrong. The voices don't sound right, they look goofy as fark (look at Raphael's biceps in that pic, I don't think he should be able to physically bend his arms), and it just looks dumb. Jim Henson's puppets knock those out of the sewer, in looks and voice acting.

I saw the preview for this before GotG, and wow, the CGI turtle models are just horrendous.  They look grotesque, nothing like the cartoon or the original live action movies.   That alone would prevent me from seeing it.

Megan Fox does look like she's doing her typical trashy-girl-next-door thing though, so that's probably a plus.


Shouldn't the fact that it is a movie specifically targeted to preteen boys prevent you from seeing it? Unless of course you have a kid and are taking them. Or unless you are there to ogle the young boys.
 
2014-08-05 10:00:10 PM  

whosits_112: Dimensio: scottydoesntknow: Anyway, I have no desire to see this movie. Every single thing in the commercials just seems wrong. The voices don't sound right, they look goofy as fark (look at Raphael's biceps in that pic, I don't think he should be able to physically bend his arms), and it just looks dumb. Jim Henson's puppets knock those out of the sewer, in looks and voice acting.

I am bothered neither by the voices nor by the appearances of the turtles. However, when I viewed a promotional clip that showcased the four turtles taking turns "Shh"-ing one another, I realised that under no circumstances could I ever even be tempted to view the movie.

They weren't "Shh-"ing each other. They were interrupting each other before they could say how much shiat this movie is.


In college, my friend and I smuggled a thermos full of gin into the 1990 TMNT movie. We drunkenly laughed so loudly at how bad it was that we made the kid in front of us (probably about 9 years-old) cry. He turned around, blubbering and said,
"Stop laughing, you're ruining the movie!"

Which made us laugh harder, so we left.

/css
//maybe not because karma, now I have twin 11 year-old boys
///no way in hell would I ever take them to see this drek
 
2014-08-05 10:00:39 PM  
No Casey Jones? Bullshiat.
 
2014-08-05 10:01:57 PM  

ongbok: TuteTibiImperes: scottydoesntknow: But the turtles end up crowded out of their own picture, sidelined by April O'Neil, who takes center stage.

It's weird; I like the idea of the female character getting more to do, but the movie's title is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Coming into the story through her POV makes a bit of sense (the movie, for some reason, plays the turtles as a reveal) but staying there? All the way through the last scene of the film? I don't get it. We don't need a human surrogate to get into this world.

It's Michael f*cking Bay. He turned a story about giant fighting robots that turn into cars into a story about Shia Lebouf trying to save whatever ass he happens to be tapping in the film.

Anyway, I have no desire to see this movie. Every single thing in the commercials just seems wrong. The voices don't sound right, they look goofy as fark (look at Raphael's biceps in that pic, I don't think he should be able to physically bend his arms), and it just looks dumb. Jim Henson's puppets knock those out of the sewer, in looks and voice acting.

I saw the preview for this before GotG, and wow, the CGI turtle models are just horrendous.  They look grotesque, nothing like the cartoon or the original live action movies.   That alone would prevent me from seeing it.

Megan Fox does look like she's doing her typical trashy-girl-next-door thing though, so that's probably a plus.

Shouldn't the fact that it is a movie specifically targeted to preteen boys prevent you from seeing it? Unless of course you have a kid and are taking them. Or unless you are there to ogle the young boys.


Eh, I was a huge TMNT fan when I was a kid, so I might have entertained the idea of setting the DVR to record it when it shows up on HBO just for nostalgic reasons, but now I don't think I'll even bother with that.
 
2014-08-05 10:03:04 PM  
Pretty sure KIDS will eat it up. I'm taking my 7 year old cousin to see it, and I bet she love it
 
2014-08-05 10:05:15 PM  

quatchi: Nabb1: I got over them kiddie-fying the original Eastman & Laird source material over two decades ago, so as long as my five-year-old is a happy little man, I don't care.

That's the attitude! It's a movie for kids and not film critics, FFS.


Pretty much. And guess what? Your parents probably didn't like most of the movies you liked as a kid.

Just let them have this one, and go see your comic book heroes go pew-pew. You know, civilized fare.
 
2014-08-05 10:05:30 PM  
FTA: "How little did they care? There's a record scratch sound effect at one point in the film."

For some reason, that made me larf.
 
2014-08-05 10:07:10 PM  

macross87: Needs the "true" April Oneil...


i.dailymail.co.uk
 
2014-08-05 10:07:43 PM  

commisioner: macross87: Needs the "true" April Oneil...

The porn star? Not sure that would fly in a kids movie.


www.laweekly.com
 
2014-08-05 10:08:37 PM  
oops, forgot caption:
"What do you mean? Kids love porn stars!"
 
2014-08-05 10:09:39 PM  
This new version needlessly rewrites the origins of the turtles so that they were the childhood pets of April O'Neil and they got their mutation from her father.

no no no noNO NONONONO WRONG WRONG WRONG

I think I just died.
 
2014-08-05 10:10:42 PM  

Confabulat: devilskware: It'll make 100 million

Ha you realize in 2014 that would make it a nearly historical flop?


Like Pacific Rim?

Transformers 4 is now one of less than 20 films to gross a billion world wide, and it only did around 250 domestic.
 
2014-08-05 10:12:36 PM  
More interesting, I thought, was one of the articles linked in the sidebar: Real Life Inspirations Behind Comic Book Villains.

"Make him look like everything we hate in modern superhero design." [Magog's] a character that... was really just put to me like come up with the most God awful Rob Liefeld sort of design that you can.
 
2014-08-05 10:13:13 PM  
Came in to see who'd be the first to assume Michael Bay directed it.

Is it possible to not expect something, yet be completely unsurprised by it?
 
2014-08-05 10:14:27 PM  

Mega Steve: macross87: commisioner: macross87: Needs the "true" April Oneil...

The porn star? Not sure that would fly in a kids movie.

They need sex-ed too

May be relevant

[img.fark.net image 630x840]

/Yo, Dawg...


It amuses me that Megan Fox's April O'Neil looks more like a porn star than the porn star
 
2014-08-05 10:17:27 PM  

Clutch2013: Came in to see who'd be the first to assume Michael Bay directed it.


To be fair it is under his Platinum Dunes label and I believe he is an EP on the film.  How many people think Spielberg directed Poltergeist or others that he produced?  I think Spielberg's name is prominent on the Gremlin's poster.
 
2014-08-05 10:17:28 PM  

mjbok: Confabulat: devilskware: It'll make 100 million

Ha you realize in 2014 that would make it a nearly historical flop?

Like Pacific Rim?

Transformers 4 is now one of less than 20 films to gross a billion world wide, and it only did around 250 domestic.


And, like Transformers,  this one will have the obligatory just-in-time-for Christmas Blu-Ray releases, which, factored in with the merchandising, is where the real money will be made.

Everyone can go ahead and start complaining about the sequel which will get greenlit within the next 2 months.
 
2014-08-05 10:17:32 PM  
"They changed something! HOW DARE THEY CHANGE SOMETHING!?"

Seriously, go watch the first Turtles movies. They're awful. Dreadful. And I ate that shiat up when I was a kid. My kid currently eats it up too. 

These movies aren't for Siskel and Ebert. They're for Kids. It's like judging the Tinkerbelle movies against something far better.
 
2014-08-05 10:19:09 PM  

quatchi: /Still have those old Eastman & Laird comics around here somewhere.


You mean these? This is how TMNT is supposed to look.
img.fark.net
img.fark.net
 
2014-08-05 10:19:41 PM  

vharshyde: "They changed something! HOW DARE THEY CHANGE SOMETHING!?"

Seriously, go watch the first Turtles movies. They're awful. Dreadful. And I ate that shiat up when I was a kid. My kid currently eats it up too. 

These movies aren't for Siskel and Ebert. They're for Kids. It's like judging the Tinkerbelle movies against something far better.


A point made in TFA is "A kids' movie doesn't have to be a BAD movie."

Same thing was just as true then. All crap like this creates is more adults with shiatty taste.
 
2014-08-05 10:23:37 PM  

mjbok: Clutch2013: Came in to see who'd be the first to assume Michael Bay directed it.

To be fair it is under his Platinum Dunes label and I believe he is an EP on the film.  How many people think Spielberg directed Poltergeist or others that he produced?  I think Spielberg's name is prominent on the Gremlin's poster.


I hope people wouldn't be stupid enough to think that Bay simultaneously directed 2 mega-budget movies at the same time that are being released a month apart from each other.

However, his involvement is all over the footage I've seen. I'm guessing if he wasn't on set, he was watching the dailies and telling the director exactly what to do. Sort of like what Bruckheimer did to him on his first few movies.
 
2014-08-05 10:23:58 PM  

PanicMan: quatchi: /Still have those old Eastman & Laird comics around here somewhere.

You mean these? This is how TMNT is supposed to look.
[img.fark.net image 469x263]
[img.fark.net image 469x830]


Yes, those. Takin' me back. Good times, good times.
 
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