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(Onion AV Club)   All 30 Mario Kart 8 characters reviewed. Come for [your favorite], stay for the validation of your hatred of [your least favorite]   (avclub.com) divider line 64
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3173 clicks; posted to Geek » on 30 Jul 2014 at 11:27 PM (48 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-07-30 07:44:07 PM  
I imagine Daisy is a closeted lesbian, plucked from the socially liberal dream world of Super Mario Land's Sarasaland and forced to mold her identity to the Mushroom Kingdom's rigid gender roles. She steals furtive glances at Toadette and posts Orange Is The New Black GIFs to her Tumblr. I imagine these things. But really, she's Princess Peach with brown hair.

I like this guy. Much more interesting piece than I expected.
 
2014-07-30 08:06:56 PM  
Haven't played it yet. Need to start. Shouldn't be too hard if my prodigious Mario Kart Wii skills transfer.

/got three stars on every cup
//Baby Daisy and Mini Beast FTW
///slashies come in threes
 
2014-07-30 11:37:25 PM  
I clicked TFA to mock its premise but found myself one-upped.

I like the cut of this fellow's jib.
 
2014-07-30 11:43:45 PM  

quatchi: I imagine Daisy is a closeted lesbian, plucked from the socially liberal dream world of Super Mario Land's Sarasaland and forced to mold her identity to the Mushroom Kingdom's rigid gender roles. She steals furtive glances at Toadette and posts Orange Is The New Black GIFs to her Tumblr. I imagine these things. But really, she's Princess Peach with brown hair.

I like this guy. Much more interesting piece than I expected.


His description of Bowser also funny

A guy who dealt with weight issues as a kid but is now comfortable with himself. A guy whose Scruff profile indicates he's into the leather scene.
 
2014-07-30 11:52:42 PM  
Her favorite emotion is being a princess.

I've met people like this.

What are those pigtails made of? They look like two chains of pink racquetballs. Are they bouncy? Fibrous? Edible? I want to touch Toadette's dangly things for myself, and I feel just as uncomfortable experiencing that urge as you did reading about it just now.

Aaand that's Jenga.
 
2014-07-31 12:00:45 AM  
Comet Bike, Off Road or Retro Off Road Tires. Any chute. Go with med/heavy for the wins, or a light to learn how to handle this beast.

Gets up to speed right quick, recovers fast, and corners tightly. Ju d t be careful on the power skides, this build is so sensitive she needs a gentle, caressing hand.
 
2014-07-31 12:01:14 AM  
He did not review all 30 characters.

The Koopalings, who are the most interesting and by far the best characters in Mario Kart 8, barely got talked about at all and treated like they were tacked on. He only really talked about Morton.

He didn't even mention Iggy or Roy, who are the two best characters in the game!

The Koopalings are the best. The babies, Koopa Trooper, Shy Guy, Toadette, Lakitu and most of all the Mii are the ones that felt tacked on to me.
 
2014-07-31 12:01:47 AM  
Winners choose Koopa Troopa.
 
2014-07-31 12:17:34 AM  
Rosalina is the best.

/that's right
 
2014-07-31 12:27:59 AM  
www.mariowiki.com

What is this, I don't even..
 
2014-07-31 12:29:06 AM  
30 characters, christ.

How many tracks are in the game? Bet it's not thirty.
 
2014-07-31 12:42:33 AM  

spamdog: 30 characters, christ.

How many tracks are in the game? Bet it's not thirty.


It's 32.  8 grand prix sets with 4 each.
 
2014-07-31 01:06:09 AM  
If you choose a light character, you will lose.  If you choose a medium character you may win.  If you choose the proper heavy character, you will likely win.  Right now, I prefer DK.  That stupid farker with the sunglasses is a stupid farker.  Build with the sport coupe, slicks, and one of the light parachutes.  As long as you don't get stuck in the clusterfark in the beginning, you'll stomp most everyone.

Assumptions:  You don't suck, and know how to miniboost.
 
2014-07-31 01:19:16 AM  

I Have The Touch of a Shocked Monkey: What is this, I don't even..


Probably from the old Mario Bros Cartoon.
 
2014-07-31 02:37:58 AM  
Last I checked, there were only like seven characters in Mario Kart.

Mario
Luigi
Wario
Bowser
Toadstool
Princess Peach
Yoshi

WTF is going on?
 
2014-07-31 02:43:08 AM  
Rosalina will shoot you in the head from 1500 yards and not think twice about it.
 
2014-07-31 02:51:47 AM  
Question: Which one will be Funky Kong a year from now?  Y'know, the character that's so overpowered no one plays anyone else?

/Or has that character not been released yet?
//I guess we hold out hope for Kamek and Bowser Jr.?
 
2014-07-31 02:55:33 AM  
cdn.smosh.com
 
2014-07-31 03:31:32 AM  
This is epic. Epic for the win
 
2014-07-31 05:57:34 AM  

God-is-a-Taco: This is epic. Epic for the win


How's the internet in 2005?
 
2014-07-31 07:04:33 AM  

robohobo: God-is-a-Taco: This is epic. Epic for the win

How's the internet in 2005?


uber
 
2014-07-31 08:33:19 AM  
I like playing Daisy.  She says her own name when you pick her, like she has a learning disability.
 
2014-07-31 08:33:37 AM  
Rosalina has sex appeal, too

Really? Are people really fapping to the characters in this game? Farking weirdos.
 
2014-07-31 09:00:29 AM  
i19.photobucket.com

Always and forever.
 
2014-07-31 09:28:41 AM  

abhorrent1: Rosalina has sex appeal, too

Really? Are people really fapping to the characters in this game? Farking weirdos.


Do a GIS with safesearch off of all three female Mario characters.  Rosalina is by far more... loved than the other ones.
 
2014-07-31 09:33:07 AM  

Shakin_Haitian: abhorrent1: Rosalina has sex appeal, too

Really? Are people really fapping to the characters in this game? Farking weirdos.

Do a GIS with safesearch off of all three female Mario characters.  Rosalina is by far more... loved than the other ones.


That's pretty sad.
 
2014-07-31 09:37:19 AM  

Shakin_Haitian: If you choose a light character, you will lose.  If you choose a medium character you may win.  If you choose the proper heavy character, you will likely win.  Right now, I prefer DK.  That stupid farker with the sunglasses is a stupid farker.  Build with the sport coupe, slicks, and one of the light parachutes.  As long as you don't get stuck in the clusterfark in the beginning, you'll stomp most everyone.

Assumptions:  You don't suck, and know how to miniboost.


Light characters have an incredible advantage with respect to acceleration.  In a particularly aggressive race, or in a race where falling off the sides is a constant threat, light characters are fabulous because they can get up to speed much more quickly from a dead stop than a heavy character.

The best character in MK7 was overwhelmingly Koopa Troopa.
 
2014-07-31 10:16:39 AM  

RedPhoenix122: I like playing Daisy.  She says her own name when you pick her, like she has a learning disability.


So Daisy is Hodor?
 
2014-07-31 10:19:21 AM  

GavinTheAlmighty: Light characters have an incredible advantage with respect to acceleration. In a particularly aggressive race, or in a race where falling off the sides is a constant threat, light characters are fabulous because they can get up to speed much more quickly from a dead stop than a heavy character.

The best character in MK7 was overwhelmingly Koopa Troopa.


I took Koopa in Mario Kart: Original Recipe for this reason. The walls and pits could be merciless back then.
 
2014-07-31 10:37:17 AM  

Burr: RedPhoenix122: I like playing Daisy.  She says her own name when you pick her, like she has a learning disability.

So Daisy is Hodor?


Or Timmy.
 
2014-07-31 10:39:26 AM  

Twigz221: He did not review all 30 characters.

The Koopalings, who are the most interesting and by far the best characters in Mario Kart 8, barely got talked about at all and treated like they were tacked on. He only really talked about Morton.

He didn't even mention Iggy or Roy, who are the two best characters in the game!

The Koopalings are the best. The babies, Koopa Trooper, Shy Guy, Toadette, Lakitu and most of all the Mii are the ones that felt tacked on to me.


And he says Morton was named after Morton Downey, Jr., so he's the only crack in Nintendo's prim facade. What about Lemmy? I don't think Lemmy "Bottle of Whiskey Per Day" Kilmister is exactly saccharine.
 
2014-07-31 10:47:14 AM  

angva: Twigz221: He did not review all 30 characters.

The Koopalings, who are the most interesting and by far the best characters in Mario Kart 8, barely got talked about at all and treated like they were tacked on. He only really talked about Morton.

He didn't even mention Iggy or Roy, who are the two best characters in the game!

The Koopalings are the best. The babies, Koopa Trooper, Shy Guy, Toadette, Lakitu and most of all the Mii are the ones that felt tacked on to me.

And he says Morton was named after Morton Downey, Jr., so he's the only crack in Nintendo's prim facade. What about Lemmy? I don't think Lemmy "Bottle of Whiskey Per Day" Kilmister is exactly saccharine.


Lemmy is God.
 
2014-07-31 10:55:41 AM  

GavinTheAlmighty: Shakin_Haitian: If you choose a light character, you will lose.  If you choose a medium character you may win.  If you choose the proper heavy character, you will likely win.  Right now, I prefer DK.  That stupid farker with the sunglasses is a stupid farker.  Build with the sport coupe, slicks, and one of the light parachutes.  As long as you don't get stuck in the clusterfark in the beginning, you'll stomp most everyone.

Assumptions:  You don't suck, and know how to miniboost.

Light characters have an incredible advantage with respect to acceleration.  In a particularly aggressive race, or in a race where falling off the sides is a constant threat, light characters are fabulous because they can get up to speed much more quickly from a dead stop than a heavy character.

The best character in MK7 was overwhelmingly Koopa Troopa.


You shouldn't ever be falling off the sides in a race, unless you're in an unlucky spot when someone hits you, which if you're a large character and hit, you won't be thrown far enough off course anyways.  With particularly aggressive races, if you miniboost right off the bat correctly and you maintain your speed, you'll be so far ahead that you won't be in the middle of the fray and you won't have to worry about getting back to top speed.  You'll get so far ahead that a blue shell won't be a worry either because the fray won't catch up to you by the time you get back to max speed.

The only problem with playing a heavy character is you run the risk of someone else playing a heavy character who knows how to hit you properly and early enough to get you stuck in the fray.
 
2014-07-31 11:04:45 AM  
rosalina.
yoshi bike, cyber slicks, peach parasol.
peace lates.

/wooo 20th greeeeen!
 
2014-07-31 11:15:32 AM  

kagemaru026: rosalina.
yoshi bike, cyber slicks, peach parasol.
peace lates.

/wooo 20th greeeeen!


You got a Wii U?  Should send me a friend request.
 
2014-07-31 11:22:24 AM  

Shakin_Haitian: You shouldn't ever be falling off the sides in a race, unless you're in an unlucky spot when someone hits you, which if you're a large character and hit, you won't be thrown far enough off course anyways.  With particularly aggressive races, if you miniboost right off the bat correctly and you maintain your speed, you'll be so far ahead that you won't be in the middle of the fray and you won't have to worry about getting back to top speed.  You'll get so far ahead that a blue shell won't be a worry either because the fray won't catch up to you by the time you get back to max speed.

The only problem with playing a heavy character is you run the risk of someone else playing a heavy character who knows how to hit you properly and early enough to get you stuck in the fray.


I think it depends on whether you're playing against AI or other human players, and on what tracks you're racing.  For example, In MK7, in 150cc class, and against AI opponents, picking a heavy character with a sports coupe and slicks was the fastest way to end up well off the podium on tracks like Neo Bowser City or Wario Shipyard, but a light character in the pipe frame with rollers was the fastest way to end up in last on tracks like Maka Wuhu, Mario Circuit, or Toad Circuit.

With human players, it's so instance-specific that writing off any particular combination is simply a matter of personal preference.

The virtues of excellent handling and acceleration on tracks with a lot of twists should never be understated.
I've yet to fully explore the entirety of MK8 beyond just screwing around with it, but in 7, the AI rubber-banding was so strong that with very limited exceptions, a single blue shell at any time was enough to drop you two or three places.  A blue shell as a heavy character was enough to drop you more due to your poor acceleration.
 
2014-07-31 11:26:31 AM  
I was really hoping for more of a technical take-down. He started strong with Mario, and then ... almost nothing. Come on, tell me who's got better handling, acceleration, and top speeds!
 
2014-07-31 11:28:09 AM  

GavinTheAlmighty: Shakin_Haitian: You shouldn't ever be falling off the sides in a race, unless you're in an unlucky spot when someone hits you, which if you're a large character and hit, you won't be thrown far enough off course anyways.  With particularly aggressive races, if you miniboost right off the bat correctly and you maintain your speed, you'll be so far ahead that you won't be in the middle of the fray and you won't have to worry about getting back to top speed.  You'll get so far ahead that a blue shell won't be a worry either because the fray won't catch up to you by the time you get back to max speed.

The only problem with playing a heavy character is you run the risk of someone else playing a heavy character who knows how to hit you properly and early enough to get you stuck in the fray.

I think it depends on whether you're playing against AI or other human players, and on what tracks you're racing.  For example, In MK7, in 150cc class, and against AI opponents, picking a heavy character with a sports coupe and slicks was the fastest way to end up well off the podium on tracks like Neo Bowser City or Wario Shipyard, but a light character in the pipe frame with rollers was the fastest way to end up in last on tracks like Maka Wuhu, Mario Circuit, or Toad Circuit.

With human players, it's so instance-specific that writing off any particular combination is simply a matter of personal preference.

The virtues of excellent handling and acceleration on tracks with a lot of twists should never be understated.
I've yet to fully explore the entirety of MK8 beyond just screwing around with it, but in 7, the AI rubber-banding was so strong that with very limited exceptions, a single blue shell at any time was enough to drop you two or three places.  A blue shell as a heavy character was enough to drop you more due to your poor acceleration.


Once you start to really get a handle on how to drift a heavy character before the curve so you hit the apex properly and how to time the miniboost if another curve comes up immediately afterwards, heavies can be very close in maneuverability to the light characters.

The rubber banding in MK8 (I've never played 7) seems to be dependent on how well you drive in the course before.  I've noticed that if I blow them out of the water in the first course, they'll be on my ass on the next course.
 
2014-07-31 11:35:33 AM  
I now know why I lose at Mario Kart.
 
2014-07-31 11:39:59 AM  

Shakin_Haitian: Once you start to really get a handle on how to drift a heavy character before the curve so you hit the apex properly and how to time the miniboost if another curve comes up immediately afterwards, heavies can be very close in maneuverability to the light characters.

The rubber banding in MK8 (I've never played 7) seems to be dependent on how well you drive in the course before.  I've noticed that if I blow them out of the water in the first course, they'll be on my ass on the next course.


In 7, once you got better with drifting, heavy characters were more maneuverable for sure, but they still paled in comparison to the light characters.  The margin of error for good maneuverability with heavy characters is significantly smaller compared to light characters.  Get hit with something at the wrong time?  Well, you aren't winning this race, that's for sure.

I guess bottom line is that you're only not winning with a light character if you suck at driving with them.  All characters are winnable.  Some are just better than others.
 
2014-07-31 11:41:18 AM  

kagemaru026: rosalina.
yoshi bike, cyber slicks, peach parasol.
peace lates.

/wooo 20th greeeeen!


Bragging about getting greens is sad.

It is like calling first
 
2014-07-31 12:06:51 PM  

Nemo's Brother: kagemaru026: rosalina.
yoshi bike, cyber slicks, peach parasol.
peace lates.

/wooo 20th greeeeen!

Bragging about getting greens is sad.

It is like calling first


Greenlight envy.

RedPhoenix122: You got a Wii U? Should send me a friend request.


nah, i play at my buddy's place. too broke for vidya these days.
 
2014-07-31 12:07:53 PM  

kagemaru026: nah, i play at my buddy's place. too broke for vidya these days.


Dammit.  I need more people to race and/or hunt with.
 
2014-07-31 12:16:03 PM  

GavinTheAlmighty: Shakin_Haitian: Once you start to really get a handle on how to drift a heavy character before the curve so you hit the apex properly and how to time the miniboost if another curve comes up immediately afterwards, heavies can be very close in maneuverability to the light characters.

The rubber banding in MK8 (I've never played 7) seems to be dependent on how well you drive in the course before.  I've noticed that if I blow them out of the water in the first course, they'll be on my ass on the next course.

In 7, once you got better with drifting, heavy characters were more maneuverable for sure, but they still paled in comparison to the light characters.  The margin of error for good maneuverability with heavy characters is significantly smaller compared to light characters.  Get hit with something at the wrong time?  Well, you aren't winning this race, that's for sure.

I guess bottom line is that you're only not winning with a light character if you suck at driving with them.  All characters are winnable.  Some are just better than others.


I can win easily enough with a light character, but if one were to play a light character with someone who knows how to play a heavy character, that person will lose the vast majority of the time.  The top speed difference is way too large.
 
2014-07-31 12:38:17 PM  
Princess Peach is the only one for me, especially now that she has a chariot
 
2014-07-31 12:53:13 PM  
I alternate between Iggy, Roy and Morton.  Character-wise I love Iggy the best, but being middleweight he's only okay. Roy is probably my favorite as far as playstyle goes, and I usually use him online. But if being really competitive, you gotta go heavyweight, so Morton is my guy.

Always use the Track Special kart with slicks.
 
2014-07-31 01:05:38 PM  

Shakin_Haitian: abhorrent1: Rosalina has sex appeal, too

Really? Are people really fapping to the characters in this game? Farking weirdos.

Do a GIS with safesearch off of all three female Mario characters.  Rosalina is by far more... loved than the other ones.


Ick. Although she is a very pretty character. Not "I'mma go crank one out to poorly drawn porn" pretty, but she's definitely got more going on than Peach/Daisy.
 
2014-07-31 01:30:33 PM  

Mentalpatient87: Shakin_Haitian: abhorrent1: Rosalina has sex appeal, too

Really? Are people really fapping to the characters in this game? Farking weirdos.

Do a GIS with safesearch off of all three female Mario characters.  Rosalina is by far more... loved than the other ones.

Ick. Although she is a very pretty character. Not "I'mma go crank one out to poorly drawn porn" pretty, but she's definitely got more going on than Peach/Daisy.


Go search for Sonic fanart. It is farking creepily religious.
 
2014-07-31 01:36:29 PM  

Shakin_Haitian: Mentalpatient87: Shakin_Haitian: abhorrent1: Rosalina has sex appeal, too

Really? Are people really fapping to the characters in this game? Farking weirdos.

Do a GIS with safesearch off of all three female Mario characters.  Rosalina is by far more... loved than the other ones.

Ick. Although she is a very pretty character. Not "I'mma go crank one out to poorly drawn porn" pretty, but she's definitely got more going on than Peach/Daisy.

Go search for Sonic fanart. It is farking creepily religious.


Not as creepy as the "marry a sonic character" site that apparently exists somewhere according to some podcast someone sent me once.  Then again the venn diagram of those people to the fanart is probably nearly a circle
 
2014-07-31 01:44:29 PM  

hammer85: Shakin_Haitian: Mentalpatient87: Shakin_Haitian: abhorrent1: Rosalina has sex appeal, too

Really? Are people really fapping to the characters in this game? Farking weirdos.

Do a GIS with safesearch off of all three female Mario characters.  Rosalina is by far more... loved than the other ones.

Ick. Although she is a very pretty character. Not "I'mma go crank one out to poorly drawn porn" pretty, but she's definitely got more going on than Peach/Daisy.

Go search for Sonic fanart. It is farking creepily religious.

Not as creepy as the "marry a sonic character" site that apparently exists somewhere according to some podcast someone sent me once.  Then again the venn diagram of those people to the fanart is probably nearly a circle


You gotta marry Sonic before you can see him naked, duh.

4chan really got a hold of the religious shiat, but the original art reminds me of very, very sheltered homeschool children who won't have a chance in society. Ones whose only friend was their game.
 
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