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(Deadspin)   Pouty husband sends his wife a spreadsheet detailing her failures in bed. It's a tough cell, but there's no accounting for taste. He just wants her to excel, not dropdown the mood. Maybe they should just sit down and have a chart. I mean, a chat   (theconcourse.deadspin.com) divider line 228
    More: Asinine  
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12222 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Jul 2014 at 9:51 AM (21 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



228 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2014-07-19 01:00:59 AM  
Whatever, learn some functions, crybaby.
 
2014-07-19 08:48:01 AM  

That Guy What Stole the Bacon: Whatever, learn some functions, crybaby.



Really, he could probably automate the heck of that document, saving valuable time.
 
2014-07-19 09:19:37 AM  
A couple of people who posted in the linked thread (and on Reddit) make a good point. It was definitely wrong of the man to send his wife a spreadsheet detailing her shortcomings in the bedroom, but really, is she any better for sharing her anger (and seeking validation) with a million of her closest friends on Reddit? She really should have talked to her husband about it, and left the public forum out of the loop.

"Honey, here is a spreadsheet showing that we are having sex once a month. It is now  pon farr, and that amount is clearly insufficient."
"When I told the English-speaking world about the spreadsheet, they all agreed you were a massive dick that is lucky to have me, so there."
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2014-07-19 09:41:10 AM  
I'm only hearing the wife's side of the story and I already agree with the husband.
 
2014-07-19 09:44:10 AM  
I'd know if my husband did that, and to my work email, too, I'd be all hot and bothered and fark him silly for a week!
 
2014-07-19 09:52:37 AM  
She should file, not save, and open up a new document.
 
2014-07-19 09:52:47 AM  
He should try the Lotus position.
 
2014-07-19 09:55:53 AM  

Snarfangel: That Guy What Stole the Bacon: Whatever, learn some functions, crybaby.


Really, he could probably automate the heck of that document, saving valuable time.


It would leave him extra time for sex.
 
2014-07-19 09:55:57 AM  
Soon to be comma separated values.
 
2014-07-19 09:56:11 AM  
She is one cold biatch
 
2014-07-19 09:56:28 AM  
Two things spring to mind.

His list of ways she said no reads exactly like my real life interactions with my wife.

This guy gets laid way more than I do.
 
2014-07-19 09:58:03 AM  
The husband should have had a shred of decency and autosized column C.  Nobody will ever take him seriously with the text running over the column border.
 
2014-07-19 09:58:37 AM  

wxboy: He should try the Lotus position.


An old boss used to tell a tale about interviewing a secretarial candidate; she said she had been trained on Lotus 1 and 2 but not 3.
 
2014-07-19 09:59:04 AM  
7.30 Fed cat.
8.00 Breakfast.
8.30 Yes (successfully).
9.00 Set out on historic journey.
 
2014-07-19 09:59:35 AM  

Rigby-Reardon: Two things spring to mind.

His list of ways she said no reads exactly like my real life interactions with my wife.

This guy gets laid way more than I do.


Why stay married? I'm single and farking functionally celibate, haven't had sex in long enough to, if it were a kid, consider cashing in its college fund.

And frankly, sex is part of a healthy and functional relationship.  Especially if one side desires it (as you do?).
 
2014-07-19 09:59:48 AM  
I just can't visualize this lack of sex thing, needs charts and graphs.5
 
2014-07-19 09:59:58 AM  
Need larger statistical research before I can input data in to her table
 
2014-07-19 10:00:24 AM  

wxboy: He should try the Lotus position.


It's as easy as 1-2-3.
 
2014-07-19 10:00:27 AM  
 
2014-07-19 10:04:21 AM  
fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net
fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net
 
2014-07-19 10:04:27 AM  
But in all seriousness, if someone's excuse is they need a shower then the appropriate follow up is you don't mind keeping them company
 
2014-07-19 10:05:39 AM  
Most of her excuses are about feeling "sweaty and gross". This is what you get when you never miss an opportunity to make a pussy/fish or pussy/grilled cheese joke. Women start to feel like they can't be intimate unless they've scoured themselves with bleach solution for 35 minutes and taken 4 wild flower douches. YOU DID THIS
 
2014-07-19 10:08:56 AM  

deanis: She is one cold biatch


This!
 
2014-07-19 10:09:12 AM  

Witness99: Most of her excuses are about feeling "sweaty and gross". This is what you get when you never miss an opportunity to make a pussy/fish or pussy/grilled cheese joke. Women start to feel like they can't be intimate unless they've scoured themselves with bleach solution for 35 minutes and taken 4 wild flower douches. YOU DID THIS


Basically that is my interpretation.  The guy has his Judgy McJudgerson hat on 24 / 7 and she doesn't feel like she can trust him or relax without having to pay for it in some way later.
 
2014-07-19 10:09:31 AM  
Ha! I told my wife that she was too sweaty and gross the other night. She told me that by the end, I'd be sweaty also.
 
2014-07-19 10:09:39 AM  
img.fark.net
 
2014-07-19 10:10:20 AM  
Laughed my ass off when I first saw this. My wife is pregnant now, I can 100% empathize with being married to someone with a low sex drive (hopefully temporary).

I'm sure the wife was looking for some validation, but it kinda makes her seem like an icy biatch. Sex three times a month is pretty damned low when your married. She needs to find some new excuses too.
 
2014-07-19 10:10:56 AM  

Witness99: Most of her excuses are about feeling "sweaty and gross". This is what you get when you never miss an opportunity to make a pussy/fish or pussy/grilled cheese joke. Women start to feel like they can't be intimate unless they've scoured themselves with bleach solution for 35 minutes and taken 4 wild flower douches. YOU DID THIS


^This

/probably
 
2014-07-19 10:11:23 AM  
I am disappointed by this excel spreadsheet.
 
2014-07-19 10:11:52 AM  

Snarfangel: A couple of people who posted in the linked thread (and on Reddit) make a good point. It was definitely wrong of the man to send his wife a spreadsheet detailing her shortcomings in the bedroom, but really, is she any better for sharing her anger (and seeking validation) with a million of her closest friends on Reddit? She really should have talked to her husband about it, and left the public forum out of the loop.


I'm going to give both of them a pass for the reddit post and the spreadsheet.

She was probably expecting some level of validation and support, like what she would have received if she told this to a friend. Let's be honest, anybody would have a hard time saying "He's got a point" in a face-to-face conversation with a distraught friend. We would be more likely to avoid blaming our friend "you work so hard, you do so much, he doesn't know.... than to actually stay what we really think.(Your husband is going 1-for-10!! He'd be better off on Tinder). Internet strangers don't give a damn about your feelings, they'll tell you what you don't want to hear and they'll make it as straightforward as possible.

The husband I'm forgiving because I'm guessing this his last ditch effort before leaving her. He's tried everything else, because this hasn't been going on for nine weeks. It's probably closer to 9 months of rejection.
 
2014-07-19 10:13:31 AM  

Snarfangel: A couple of people who posted in the linked thread (and on Reddit) make a good point. It was definitely wrong of the man to send his wife a spreadsheet detailing her shortcomings in the bedroom, but really, is she any better for sharing her anger (and seeking validation) with a million of her closest friends on Reddit? She really should have talked to her husband about it, and left the public forum out of the loop.

"Honey, here is a spreadsheet showing that we are having sex once a month. It is now  pon farr, and that amount is clearly insufficient."
"When I told the English-speaking world about the spreadsheet, they all agreed you were a massive dick that is lucky to have me, so there."


You're right... That poor guy is a laughing stock, and he'll go down in history as the World's Biggest Loser of a husband.

... what's his name, again?
 
2014-07-19 10:14:47 AM  
"You're too drunk."

The fill handle (9) would be useful on this one:

www.baycongroup.com

You're too drunk Mon
You're too drunk Tue
You're too drunk Wed
You're too drunk Thu
You're too drunk Fri
You're too drunk Sat
You're too drunk Sun
You're too drunk Mon
You're too drunk Tue
You're too drunk Wed
You're too drunk Thu
You're too drunk Fri
You're too drunk Sat
You're too drunk Sun
You're too drunk Mon
You're too drunk Tue
You're too drunk Wed
You're too drunk Thu
 
2014-07-19 10:14:47 AM  

bearcats1983: Sex three times a month is pretty damned low....


You are adorable.
 
2014-07-19 10:16:04 AM  
You know how I not you're not married with kids??

/there is actually a 'yes' on there
 
2014-07-19 10:16:09 AM  
He could save time and CTRL-C CTRL-V "spreadsheet" for the next 60 rows or so.
 
2014-07-19 10:16:51 AM  

Rigby-Reardon: Two things spring to mind.

His list of ways she said no reads exactly like my real life interactions with my wife.

This guy gets laid way more than I do.


What about the 16 days he omits, did he not ask because he felt sweaty and gross?
He's wallowing in pussy and complaining.  To Hell with'im.
 
2014-07-19 10:20:13 AM  

LoneDoggie: He could save time and CTRL-C CTRL-V "spreadsheet" for the next 60 rows years or so.


Such a life!
 
2014-07-19 10:21:08 AM  
He's an a-hole and she's a bigger one. All that's left now is to start writing big checks to divorce lawyers.
 
2014-07-19 10:25:01 AM  
He should have done this spreadsheet on Google Docs.

Then he should have sent a share link to all their close friends.
 
2014-07-19 10:25:03 AM  

Rigby-Reardon: Two things spring to mind.

His list of ways she said no reads exactly like my real life interactions with my wife.

This guy gets laid way more than I do.


/DRTFA
//100% positive that this all applies to me too
///married yes, why do you ask?
////gets laid once a month
 
2014-07-19 10:27:43 AM  
He has detailed files.

Seriously, respond as such, 'I like you sweaty and fat.'
 
2014-07-19 10:27:54 AM  
Well that's 3 more times than me.  I have no sympathy.
 
2014-07-19 10:28:16 AM  
Whatever he thought his macro would do, she's said she won't work with Microsoft.
 
2014-07-19 10:29:52 AM  
He will never come up with a formula for controlling her Vee. He should just insert some external links.
 
2014-07-19 10:37:05 AM  
FTFA: "number currently sits via a passive aggressive email"


I don't think this is an indirect expression of hostility.  It seems pretty damn direct to me.
 
2014-07-19 10:39:07 AM  
Where's the column that lists his words each time? Its '27 attempts' w/ no details about his approach.

Does he smile & nicely suggest a romp?... or does he just whine?
(If he was charming & a great lover himself it certainly doesn't show.)

Its obvious that they both forgot how to romance each other.

If one spouse is sweetly interested, then the other (he or she) feels sad when they're unable to participate, and apologizes sweetly in return - honest communication with none of this pathetic crap.
 
2014-07-19 10:39:16 AM  
On one hand, sex every two weeks? That's cold fish territory. And he's clearly game.

OTOH, if line 12 is an indication that dude thinks 20 minutes is enough time for sex. Dude clearly doesn't got game,  IYKWIM.

I have a friend going through this with a guy she's dating. He thinks sex is a 10 minute activity, tops, that should happen whenever he wants, and that he shouldn't have to masturbate. I keep telling her to run like hell.
 
2014-07-19 10:42:26 AM  

dv-ous: On one hand, sex every two weeks? That's cold fish territory. And he's clearly game.

OTOH, if line 12 is an indication that dude thinks 20 minutes is enough time for sex. Dude clearly doesn't got game,  IYKWIM.

I have a friend going through this with a guy she's dating. He thinks sex is a 10 minute activity, tops, that should happen whenever he wants, and that he shouldn't have to masturbate. I keep telling her to run like hell.


On the flip side, the expectation it will be a marathon every time is unreasonable. You should be able to perform long distance and sprints.
 
2014-07-19 10:44:53 AM  
Once a month club, married, 30s.

Checking in.
 
2014-07-19 10:46:34 AM  
These excuses are lame. She doesn't want to have sex with her husband, and I'd say there's a fair to middling chance she's having sex with someone else.
 
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