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(Wall Street Journal)   Pro tip for Microsoft VP Stephen Elop: you might want to start an email explaining why 18,000 people are about to get laid off with a slightly more formal salutation than "Hello there"   (blogs.wsj.com) divider line 45
    More: Followup, Elop, Microsoft, layoffs  
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1602 clicks; posted to Business » on 17 Jul 2014 at 10:18 PM (19 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



45 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2014-07-17 07:48:13 PM  
It's really weird that this is the part of this particular lay-off story getting traction.
 
2014-07-17 08:02:37 PM  
And what does Fark suggest as an alternate?....and GO!
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2014-07-17 08:18:26 PM  
Dear survivors,
 
2014-07-17 08:35:44 PM  
Microsoft rocks!
 
2014-07-17 08:45:01 PM  
Did he type the rest of the email in a Kingfish-like accent?
 
2014-07-17 08:47:35 PM  
FTFA: "Hello There," started Elop's email to employees.

Hello there? Critics on social media seized on the opening as tone deaf.


What is the appropriate greeting for an employee who is about to get f*cked in the ass?

"Please bend over and grit your teeth!"
 
2014-07-17 09:03:30 PM  
www.imagegenerator.net
 
2014-07-17 09:10:16 PM  
In 2011, while still Nokia CEO,

Yeah, about that...  Elop was a MSFT exec.  He left MSFT to become Nokia CEO.  He entered into an agreement with MSFT that was so favorable that Nokia was de facto the only maker of Windows Phones worldwide.  MSFT changes their business model which can't survive without a Windows Phone vendor, and Nokia was losing market share because its prior market share was based on the 'dumb phone' Symbian OS.  Nokia could have chosen to be an Android also-ran, but tried to differentiate itself with Windows Phone OS.. which not many people wanted.  Even people like my co-worker who just got one, rattled off a list of simple things Windows Phone couldn't do that his iPhone 4 could.

So Microsoft had to double-down on their (former) "devices and services" direction under Ballmer by buying Nokia - and Ballmer's tirade to the MSFT Board was what got him fired - by buying Nokia to ensure that somebody was making Windows Phone handsets, even if it was just them.  And in doing that, Elop becomes a MSFT exec again.  Question - did he ever stop working for the best interests of Microsoft?  I don't see that.
 
2014-07-17 09:34:39 PM  
He should have used comic sans
 
2014-07-17 09:35:40 PM  
The most important rule of business communication is to be clear and brief. That's especially true in situations like this.

I'd have gone with,

Dear ________,

Welcome to Unemploymentville! Population: YOU.

Love,
Stephen
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2014-07-17 09:43:19 PM  
Most of the recipients of his email are not being fired / downsized / rightsized / ROFed / terminated.
 
2014-07-17 09:53:33 PM  

SecretAgentWoman: And what does Fark suggest as an alternate?....and GO!


Hi every-body!
what's the difference between you and assistant jizz-mopper?
at least the jizz-mopper stilll has a job!
 
2014-07-17 10:23:43 PM  

SecretAgentWoman: And what does Fark suggest as an alternate?....and GO!


To whom it may concern,
 
2014-07-17 10:32:23 PM  
i.imgur.com
 
2014-07-17 10:35:31 PM  

ZAZ: Most of the recipients of his email are not being fired / downsized / rightsized / ROFed / terminated.




Yet.
 
2014-07-17 10:41:54 PM  
Elop?  Pole?  Well, they all got the shaft.
 
2014-07-17 10:49:03 PM  
I said it in the other thread, but I will re-iterate that this guy deserves to be on the firing list because he has sucked at every job he's had.  He sells out his companies to benefit himself repeatedly.  He's everything that is wrong with business.

This is the guy who tried to take over after Steve Ballmer and wanted to basically dismantle MS and sell everything off.  I was very pleased when he didn't get the CEO position, but it looks like he is still managing to wreak havoc on the company being an executive vice president.

I guess I'm not business savvy enough to understand why these companies keeping hiring him to run them into the ground.  It's like an abusive dude who keeps getting women to date/marry them even though the women know he beat his previous wives but somehow they think they'll be different.  This guy is the Drew Peterson of business.
 
2014-07-17 10:51:35 PM  

SecretAgentWoman: And what does Fark suggest as an alternate?....and GO!


Y helo thar
 
2014-07-17 10:53:12 PM  
 
2014-07-17 10:56:17 PM  
Alternatives:

"S'up, biatches!"

"Dear future winos"

"Good morning... well, not so good for some of you."
 
2014-07-17 11:13:31 PM  
www.mobygames.com
 
2014-07-17 11:16:02 PM  
I think the email should have read "As you know, layoffs are coming.  But to make this more entertaining, we will have layoffs decided upon through bloodsport.  Two men enter, one man leaves.  The winner keeps his job, the loser will have his heart consumed by the spectators to gain his spiritual strength.  The attached excel sheet shows how the matches will be organized.  Good luck!"
 
2014-07-17 11:19:33 PM  
"This very hard to do, and I want you to know it has nothing to do with your performance or [location] in particular"

Actual words by head cheese on an all-hands meeting.

/yep, we got closed
 
2014-07-17 11:34:14 PM  
img.fark.net
 
2014-07-17 11:41:12 PM  
Dear General and Fraulein Pom Pom,

it is with a heavy heart that i inform you that your son recently exploded in a big, fiery ball that was visible from space. i would also like to add that in no way did he beat any of the ever loving snot out of me.

Sequentially,
Strong Bad
 
2014-07-18 12:11:22 AM  
Dear plebes, it gives me great pleasure to see so many wailing and gnashing before me.
 
2014-07-18 12:21:01 AM  
I cant believe the obvious hasn't been used...


"Dear Hosers..."
 
2014-07-18 12:29:02 AM  
If you've read about the subject lines political parties are using for fundraising, "Hello there" is downright formal.
 
2014-07-18 12:42:15 AM  

Gergesa: I think the email should have read "As you know, layoffs are coming.  But to make this more entertaining, we will have layoffs decided upon through bloodsport.  Two men enter, one man leaves.  The winner keeps his job, the loser will have his heart consumed by the spectators to gain his spiritual strength.  The attached excel sheet shows how the matches will be organized.  Good luck!"


media.tumblr.com
 
kab
2014-07-18 01:02:15 AM  
Dear scrubs.

  Thanks for your work, but it's now time to hit the bricks.  The good news is that your prior salaries free up a shiatload of exec bonuses.    Hey, it works for Pepsi.

Laterz,
SE
 
2014-07-18 01:02:47 AM  

syrynxx: Nokia could have chosen to be an Android also-ran, but tried to differentiate itself with Windows Phone OS.


They also could have chosen to continue the N900 line of Linux (non-Android) phones.
 
2014-07-18 01:40:50 AM  

Ivo Shandor: syrynxx: Nokia could have chosen to be an Android also-ran, but tried to differentiate itself with Windows Phone OS.

They also could have chosen to continue the N900 line of Linux (non-Android) phones.


Partnering with MS made sense.  The Android space has a lot of competition, and Samsung is already dominating it.  Becoming the flagship provider for Windows Phones gave them something that they wouldn't get doing their own Linux thing - a major software giant behind them dedicated to developing and advertising the platform.

It's a shame that the Windows Phones haven't caught on quicker, as it really is a great platform.  It does a ton of things right, and the big apps are mostly all there now, but it still suffers in the niche categories.  Nokia made some excellent hardware that rivaled Apple in terms of build quality, and the WP8 is more polished than Android in a lot of ways.

Apparently the majority of the layoffs have come from the recently acquired Nokia side, so it will be interesting to see what future MS developed phones will look like.  I'd worry a bit since Nokia's team has done a great job, but MS has made some great products in the Surface line, so they do seem to know their stuff as well.
 
2014-07-18 02:00:12 AM  

SecretAgentWoman: And what does Fark suggest as an alternate?....and GO!


Sup?

Bye

LOL
 
2014-07-18 02:05:06 AM  

syrynxx: Even people like my co-worker who just got one, rattled off a list of simple things Windows Phone couldn't do that his iPhone 4 could.


What stuff? I'm just curious since I haven't so much as held a Windows phone let alone ever played around with one.
 
2014-07-18 05:36:18 AM  
If you were so inclined, you could do your lay offs 5 names at a time, per hour by pulling random names out of a hat and announcing the losers over loudspeaker / intercom.  The pressure will inevitably cause some to quit and some to find creative and fun ways to get others fired.
 
2014-07-18 07:05:47 AM  
The music has stopped.

There is no chair for you.
 
2014-07-18 07:33:55 AM  
I remember the good old days when Microsoft only hired professionals.

img4.wikia.nocookie.net
 
2014-07-18 09:14:24 AM  
12,500 not 18k or did subby not RTFA either ?
 
2014-07-18 09:22:34 AM  

syrynxx: In 2011, while still Nokia CEO,

Yeah, about that...  Elop was a MSFT exec.  He left MSFT to become Nokia CEO.  He entered into an agreement with MSFT that was so favorable that Nokia was de facto the only maker of Windows Phones worldwide.  MSFT changes their business model which can't survive without a Windows Phone vendor, and Nokia was losing market share because its prior market share was based on the 'dumb phone' Symbian OS.  Nokia could have chosen to be an Android also-ran, but tried to differentiate itself with Windows Phone OS.. which not many people wanted.  Even people like my co-worker who just got one, rattled off a list of simple things Windows Phone couldn't do that his iPhone 4 could.

So Microsoft had to double-down on their (former) "devices and services" direction under Ballmer by buying Nokia - and Ballmer's tirade to the MSFT Board was what got him fired - by buying Nokia to ensure that somebody was making Windows Phone handsets, even if it was just them.  And in doing that, Elop becomes a MSFT exec again.  Question - did he ever stop working for the best interests of Microsoft?  I don't see that.


I've been convinced from the day he was hired that Elop always intended to make Nokia a Microsoft
subsidiary.  Whether or not that was his own idea or marching orders given to him prior to his move to
Nokia is open for interpretation.
 
2014-07-18 10:25:50 AM  
"Gather 'round, good people, and hear my tale,
For your job ends at the heels of this screed like a gale."


/yyyyyeah.... I got nothin'
 
2014-07-18 10:41:50 AM  
I surprised the real story hasn't come out yet in this thread.

On Thursday, a week after former Microsoft CEO Bill Gates argued for amnesty and for an unlimited number of high-tech guest-worker visas, Microsoft announced it would slash 18,000 jobs.

They want to replace a good portion of them with H1B workers from overseas.
 
2014-07-18 10:54:14 AM  
"Gather round and hear this tale of woe!"

"Tidings and salutations to my former employees!"

"Managers please print!

For those of you wondering why your accounts no longer work it's because you have been terminated. HR has a table setup near the main exit for your final pay."

Just a few ways to break the ice ;)
 
2014-07-18 10:54:40 AM  
As a member of his target audience, I can tell that "Hello There" is his trademark greeting in all Internal memos. So the wording is not out of malice, just from using default template. That does not de-jargonize the rest of the text though
 
2014-07-18 11:20:41 AM  

SecretAgentWoman: And what does Fark suggest as an alternate?....and GO!


dobryfilmzlyfilm.files.wordpress.com
 
2014-07-18 04:52:44 PM  

SecretAgentWoman: And what does Fark suggest as an alternate?....and GO!


One wierd trick for firing 12,000 employees.
 
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