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(610 WIOD)   "Sullivan showed up covered in tortoise poop around 3 a.m. one day"   (wiod.com) divider line 30
    More: Dumbass  
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3861 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Jul 2014 at 8:56 PM (9 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-07-14 07:42:56 PM
1.  That little girl now lost what she thought was her new pet.

2.  Tortoise poop?  How did the woman know that it was tortoise poop?

3.  That man has issues.

/my brother may be the only person on Earth to actually experience the shame of his turtle "running away."
 
2014-07-14 09:00:55 PM

" The tortoise, named Captain Hook, was reported missing in March 2013 from her enclosure. "


Maybe the tortoise was in love with a beautiful woman.

 
2014-07-14 09:04:28 PM
img.fark.net

"Tonight, we dine on turtle poop!"
 
2014-07-14 09:13:21 PM
He'll probably have to shell out a hefty fine
 
2014-07-14 09:14:22 PM
upload.wikimedia.org
"Tortoise poop? What's that?"
 
2014-07-14 09:19:45 PM
Naw, it must have been turtle poop.

juniorbonnercinema.wikispaces.com

He was in the lake.
 
2014-07-14 09:32:09 PM
AP story in Florida paper gives little detail and doesn't even say where Lincoln is.

http://journalstar.com/news/local/911/stolen-tortoise-back-at-childr en -s-zoo/article_0021aab0-a2d7-5fef-b8f2-2393536df88f.html
bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.com
Captain Hook, a 25-year-old female red-footed tortoise, was returned recently to Lincoln Children's Zoo after being stolen in March 2013.

http://journalstar.com/news/local/911/lincoln-man-gets-jail-time-for -t ortoise-theft/article_6c2f220a-7b49-571c-a153-15d7a4024cba.html

bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.com
 
2014-07-14 09:50:17 PM

NutWrench: [upload.wikimedia.org image 300x230]
"Tortoise poop? What's that?"


You know what turtle poop is?
 
2014-07-14 09:53:23 PM
Oh please...who hasn't  shown up somewhere at 3am covered in tortoise poop?  It's a veritable right of passage.
 
2014-07-14 09:54:56 PM
How hard is it to avoid getting pooped on by a turtle?
 
2014-07-14 10:01:09 PM
July the 14th, 2014
Miami, Florida
My very dear Sarah:
The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days-perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more.
My heist may be one of a few days duration and full of pleasure-and it may be one of severe conflict and death to me. Not my will, but thine O God, be done. If it is necessary that I should go to prison, I am ready. I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the turtle heist, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Reptile House. And I am willing-perfectly willing-to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Pet, and to pay that debt.
But, my dear wife, when I know that with my own joys I lay down nearly all of yours, and replace them in this life with cares and sorrows-when, after having eaten for long years the bitter fruit of orphanage myself, I must offer it as their only sustenance to my dear little children-is it weak or dishonorable, while the banner of my purpose floats calmly and proudly in the breeze, that my unbounded love for you, my darling wife and children, should struggle in fierce, though useless, contest with my love of turtles.
Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Turtles comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly on with all these chains to the Dade County Lockup.
The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when God willing, we might still have lived and loved together and seen our sons grow up to honorable manhood around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me-perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar-that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me after I come to sexual climax upon the shell of a tortoise , it will whisper your name.
Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have often been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness, and struggle with all the misfortune of this world, to shield you and my children from harm. But I cannot. I must watch you from the spirit land and hover near you, while you buffet the storms with your precious little freight, and wait with sad patience till we meet to part no more.
But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the brightest day and in the darkest night-amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours-always, always; and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath; or the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.
Sarah, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for me, for we shall meet again. After I fark that turtle.
As for my little boys, they will grow as I have done, and never know a father's love and care. Little Willie is too young to remember me long, and my blue-eyed Edgar will keep my frolics with him among the dimmest memories of his childhood. Sarah, I have unlimited confidence in your maternal care and your development of their characters. Tell my two mothers his and hers I call God's blessing upon them. O Sarah, I wait for you there! Come to me, and lead thither my children.
Sullivan


Sullivan was found smeared in tortoise feces and sentenced to 180 days in jail for the kidnapping of Captain Hook.
 
2014-07-14 10:01:30 PM

fusillade762: How hard is it to avoid getting pooped on by a turtle?


Maybe the turtle pooped wildy out of fear, and it just shot everywhere?

/no idea
 
2014-07-14 10:02:03 PM
subby, you have my vote for headline of the year.

hahahahaha!
 
2014-07-14 10:06:53 PM

fusillade762: How hard is it to avoid getting pooped on by a turtle?


Must be a fetish of some sort
 
2014-07-14 10:08:46 PM
I want to know what the hell that turtle  ate
 
2014-07-14 10:12:24 PM
"... covered in..."? How much does a tortoise poop anyway?
 
2014-07-14 10:18:59 PM
Why no Florida tag?
 
2014-07-14 10:50:34 PM
Babe, I gotta say what up to Sullivan. Sullivan, you chode!
 
2014-07-14 10:55:15 PM

Fano: July the 14th, 2014
Miami, Florida
My very dear Sarah:...


Dude...that may be the most epic Fark posting of all time.  Favorited.
 
2014-07-14 10:59:12 PM

strangeluck: fusillade762: How hard is it to avoid getting pooped on by a turtle?

Maybe the turtle pooped wildy out of fear, and it just shot everywhere?

/no idea


Or maybe it's like Gamera but instead of fire it flies by projecting streams of poop out its leg holes?
 
2014-07-15 12:12:17 AM

Fano: July the 14th, 2014
Miami, Florida
My very dear Sarah:
The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days-perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more.
My heist may be one of a few days duration and full of pleasure-and it may be one of severe conflict and death to me. Not my will, but thine O God, be done. If it is necessary that I should go to prison, I am ready. I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the turtle heist, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Reptile House. And I am willing-perfectly willing-to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Pet, and to pay that debt.
But, my dear wife, when I know that with my own joys I lay down nearly all of yours, and replace them in this life with cares and sorrows-when, after having eaten for long years the bitter fruit of orphanage myself, I must offer it as their only sustenance to my dear little children-is it weak or dishonorable, while the banner of my purpose floats calmly and proudly in the breeze, that my unbounded love for you, my darling wife and children, should struggle in fierce, though useless, contest with my love of turtles.
Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Turtles comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly on with all these chains to the Dade County Lockup.
The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when God willing, we might still have lived and loved together and seen our sons grow up to honorable manhood around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me-perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar-that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me after I come to sexual climax upon the shell of a tortoise , it will whisper your name.
Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have often been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness, and struggle with all the misfortune of this world, to shield you and my children from harm. But I cannot. I must watch you from the spirit land and hover near you, while you buffet the storms with your precious little freight, and wait with sad patience till we meet to part no more.
But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the brightest day and in the darkest night-amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours-always, always; and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath; or the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.
Sarah, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for me, for we shall meet again. After I fark that turtle.
As for my little boys, they will grow as I have done, and never know a father's love and care. Little Willie is too young to remember me long, and my blue-eyed Edgar will keep my frolics with him among the dimmest memories of his childhood. Sarah, I have unlimited confidence in your maternal care and your development of their characters. Tell my two mothers his and hers I call God's blessing upon them. O Sarah, I wait for you there! Come to me, and lead thither my children.
Sullivan


Sullivan was found smeared in tortoise feces and sentenced to 180 days in jail for the kidnapping of Captain Hook.


I'm glad I'm drinkin, I read the farkin subby title thing 3x's... dnrtfa... got another drink then read this over and over... then I got another drink and read it again

/i'm gonna golf clap everybody
//cheers
///my brain hurts
 
2014-07-15 12:40:17 AM

HairBolus: AP story in Florida paper gives little detail and doesn't even say where Lincoln is.

http://journalstar.com/news/local/911/stolen-tortoise-back-at-childr en -s-zoo/article_0021aab0-a2d7-5fef-b8f2-2393536df88f.html
[bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.com image 620x438]
Captain Hook, a 25-year-old female red-footed tortoise, was returned recently to Lincoln Children's Zoo after being stolen in March 2013.

http://journalstar.com/news/local/911/lincoln-man-gets-jail-time-for -t ortoise-theft/article_6c2f220a-7b49-571c-a153-15d7a4024cba.html

[bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.com image 300x375]


Yeesh, that tortoise has some really bad pyramiding going on there. It didn't get enough humidity when it was a baby.
 
2014-07-15 01:09:22 AM

fusillade762: strangeluck: fusillade762: How hard is it to avoid getting pooped on by a turtle?

Maybe the turtle pooped wildy out of fear, and it just shot everywhere?

/no idea

Or maybe it's like Gamera but instead of fire it flies by projecting streams of poop out its leg holes?


I would have thought the power of Kenny would have prevented him from doing something so disrespectful, but when you're being kidnapped, I guess you gotta use what you got!
 
2014-07-15 01:17:10 AM

strangeluck: fusillade762: How hard is it to avoid getting pooped on by a turtle?

Maybe the turtle pooped wildy out of fear, and it just shot everywhere?

/no idea


I'm thinking it would take maybe 20 turtles to "cover"a person in poop.

Ain't THAT a thru the looking glass visual.
 
2014-07-15 02:42:03 AM

Czechzican: HairBolus: AP story in Florida paper gives little detail and doesn't even say where Lincoln is.

http://journalstar.com/news/local/911/stolen-tortoise-back-at-childr en -s-zoo/article_0021aab0-a2d7-5fef-b8f2-2393536df88f.html
[bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.com image 620x438]
Captain Hook, a 25-year-old female red-footed tortoise, was returned recently to Lincoln Children's Zoo after being stolen in March 2013.

http://journalstar.com/news/local/911/lincoln-man-gets-jail-time-for -t ortoise-theft/article_6c2f220a-7b49-571c-a153-15d7a4024cba.html

[bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.com image 300x375]

Yeesh, that tortoise has some really bad pyramiding going on there. It didn't get enough humidity when it was a baby.


I think it's actually a calcium deficiency...
 
2014-07-15 02:59:00 AM

haolegirl: Czechzican: HairBolus: AP story in Florida paper gives little detail and doesn't even say where Lincoln is.

http://journalstar.com/news/local/911/stolen-tortoise-back-at-childr en -s-zoo/article_0021aab0-a2d7-5fef-b8f2-2393536df88f.html
[bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.com image 620x438]
Captain Hook, a 25-year-old female red-footed tortoise, was returned recently to Lincoln Children's Zoo after being stolen in March 2013.

http://journalstar.com/news/local/911/lincoln-man-gets-jail-time-for -t ortoise-theft/article_6c2f220a-7b49-571c-a153-15d7a4024cba.html

[bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.com image 300x375]

Yeesh, that tortoise has some really bad pyramiding going on there. It didn't get enough humidity when it was a baby.

I think it's actually a calcium deficiency...


They both cause pyramiding, as does a lack of vitamin D. *shrugs* Could be a combination, maybe. If the tortoise was something the zoo rescued, then that's definately a possibility.
 
2014-07-15 03:54:22 AM
img.photobucket.com
 
2014-07-15 07:46:25 AM
Happy Jack unavailable for comment
 
2014-07-15 08:35:11 AM
Gamera is where it's at
He is full of turtle scat
We all love you, Gamera!
 
2014-07-15 10:40:18 AM

Nuclear Monk: Oh please...who hasn't  shown up somewhere at 3am covered in tortoise poop?  It's a veritable right of passage.


Drew calls it "Tuesday"
 
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