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(Fark)   Hey all - collecting "things you never thought you'd say to another person before you became a parent" examples for a kids book I'm working on with Len Peralta DIT - Drew   (fark.com) divider line 458
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3339 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Jul 2014 at 2:50 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-07-14 02:17:45 PM  
I've been collecting weird things I've had to say to my kids for awhile now and decided to turn the best ones into a kids book.  Len Peralta is going to illustrate it.

Mine are so bizarre that I was wondering what the Fark collective could come up with?  Wondering if those of you who have kids (or nephews/nieces) ever catch yourselves saying things like the following out loud?  If any of them are super aweome I'll hit you up about including them in our book.

Here's some from my list:  *=probably getting drawn, bold=already drawn

*Don't hold a lit sparkler over the box of
Fireworks - this isn't Florida

Why did you put a tattoo on your butt?

*Don't put rocks on the dog. Also dogs don't eat rocks

*You had underwear on a minute ago what happened?

don't throw that into the fan

Get your foot out of the potato


Stop licking the wall

Water is for thirsty

Don't eat the shrimp from off the bottom of your shoe.

You can't wipe up sticky with dry.

No eatie. No sweetie.

Don't put sand on your head.  Or anyone else's head

Don't say 'all bow down to the glory of the goat lord' in church

Put your shoes on it's time to leave the store

We don't fight with players on our own team (overheard from one of Storm's baseball coaches, consider the implications of 'on our own team')

Let your brother into the minecraft server

No running around the house while carrying the cat

*Do not lick the shopping cart

Stop throwing cookie monster into the christmas tree

Don't put sprite in your ice cream

Don't feed playdoh to the cat

At a restaurant: "Where is your other shoe?" "I have no idea"

Nobody pees on ANYONE

Don't wipe your butt with your dress

I don't want you to play grand theft auto V anymore (to a 7 year old who burst into tears)

*Why are you upside down?
 
2014-07-14 02:18:51 PM  
Quit spitting in my ear!
 
2014-07-14 02:18:57 PM  
"Is that poop or chocolate?.... Okay, chocolate."
 
2014-07-14 02:18:57 PM  
media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com
 
2014-07-14 02:19:34 PM  
And I thought they smelled bad... out the outside!
 
2014-07-14 02:19:48 PM  
Her breathing is really bothering me.
 
2014-07-14 02:20:05 PM  
"We don't announce 'Hellooooooooo, jerks!" every time we go into Target."
 
2014-07-14 02:20:47 PM  
img.fark.net
"Don't say All Bow Down to the Glory of the Goat Lord In Church"
 
2014-07-14 02:20:51 PM  
Cat food is not human food
 
2014-07-14 02:20:51 PM  
Don't drink out of the dolphin's blow hole (bath toy).

Your "excuse me" must be at least as loud as your burp or fart.

I must check with a child custody lawyer before posting more
 
2014-07-14 02:20:55 PM  
Wait, will these suggested things make it into the book?

And if they do, doesn't Fark's Term of Service mean that we are giving you a license to create derivative works with it, meaning we'll likely get no compensation for it anyway?

/I'm just asking questions.
 
2014-07-14 02:20:58 PM  
I love kid threads. Best birth control ever.
 
2014-07-14 02:21:10 PM  
"YOU'RE GONNA WAKE THE BABY!"
 
2014-07-14 02:21:48 PM  
My dad just recently had to tell his grandkid "Aedan!  If you wrap the dog up in the blanket, she'll roll away!  Now unwrap her!"
 
2014-07-14 02:22:06 PM  

kxs401: "Is that poop or chocolate?.... Okay, chocolate."


Thats probably a very common one.
 
2014-07-14 02:22:25 PM  
`Don't type anything witty/stupid or Drew might put it in his book.'
 
2014-07-14 02:22:49 PM  
"Stop licking your brother."
 
2014-07-14 02:23:14 PM  

RexTalionis: Wait, will these suggested things make it into the book?

And if they do, doesn't Fark's Term of Service mean that we are giving you a license to create derivative works with it, meaning we'll likely get no compensation for it anyway?

/I'm just asking questions.


Possibly - but we'll ask you first if it's ok
 
2014-07-14 02:23:22 PM  
At dinner... Tuna is not for food, tuna is for lunch!
 
2014-07-14 02:24:12 PM  
This makes me wish I'd written down these things. Seems like every few days I have a "huh. never thought I'd ever have to say that to someone" moment.
 
2014-07-14 02:24:27 PM  
DO NOT SCREAM unless something is on fire.

DO NOT SCREAM unless you or someone near you is bleeding out or has lost an arm.

DO NOT SCREAM unless a stranger is pulling you into a van marked "free candy."
 
2014-07-14 02:24:31 PM  
How long do you think I could leave my kid in the car seat while I'm at work?

/too soon?
 
2014-07-14 02:24:43 PM  
Don't ask mommy why her stomach isn't flat like aunt Michelle's.

Don't ask your grandma if she likes being old.

Yes, that's the dog's pee-pee and no he doesn't need you to hold it for him.
 
2014-07-14 02:24:48 PM  

DonWrite: This makes me wish I'd written down these things. Seems like every few days I have a "huh. never thought I'd ever have to say that to someone" moment.


As someone who has been writing them down as they happen, I can tell you it's a daily occurance
 
2014-07-14 02:25:16 PM  
Don't touch the cat's butt.
 
2014-07-14 02:25:27 PM  
I have a sandwich in my pocket.
 
2014-07-14 02:25:55 PM  
"No, you cannot eat cheese and poop on the potty at the same time"

/said that one to both my kids
//good luck with the book
 
2014-07-14 02:26:00 PM  
We have a notebook of odd things that we said to the children when they were younger. Sadly the only one I can remember right now is "Don't stick your finger in your butthole".
 
2014-07-14 02:26:16 PM  
Panties don't go on the outside.
 
2014-07-14 02:26:42 PM  
`This is why we don't moon people in the car during winter. Now pry your brother's butt off the side window.'
 
2014-07-14 02:26:52 PM  

Ponzholio: How long do you think I could leave my kid in the car seat while I'm at work?

/too soon?


lol
 
2014-07-14 02:26:58 PM  
"F*ck that lady. She's an asshole. Don't tell your mom I said 'asshole'."
 
2014-07-14 02:27:05 PM  

MIAppologia: My dad just recently had to tell his grandkid "Aedan!  If you wrap the dog up in the blanket, she'll roll away!  Now unwrap her!"


Oh lawd! I read that in his German accent
 
2014-07-14 02:27:35 PM  
Seats are for booties not for feet.
 
2014-07-14 02:27:55 PM  
Here's something I stated before to an adult, but it's one of the oddest things I've ever said.


It's in the garage.  Next to the dead pig in the canoe.
 
2014-07-14 02:28:02 PM  
Here's one that was said to me when I was little:  "YOU DRAW ON PAPER, NOT ON WALLS!  Great, I need to find the paint."
 
2014-07-14 02:28:19 PM  
I don't have any just yet but I will totally buy the book for Charlotte when she gets here.
 
2014-07-14 02:28:36 PM  

Ponzholio: How long do you think I could leave my kid in the car seat while I'm at work?

/too soon?


Technically, all day.
 
2014-07-14 02:28:46 PM  
No, you CANNOT play doctor with ______ !!!
 
2014-07-14 02:28:53 PM  

KingKauff: Oh lawd! I read that in his German accent


LOL  It was said in his accent, and very loudly too.
 
2014-07-14 02:29:07 PM  
Here is a selection that my son has tweeted out on a fake account he made in my name. Mind you, my kids are 13 and 17:

- I am a man filled with rage!
- Keep your pimp hand strong, boys!
- It only takes 6 pounds of pressure to smother your ass with a pillow!
- I'm going to shave that f*cker's hair while he's asleep!
- You guys would be popular in prison.
- I'm damn close to putting you in a home!
- I'd swear you smoke weed if I thought you were smart enough to use a lighter.
- You kill a little piece of me every day.
- Your friends think I'm retarded, don't they? Well I don't give two sh*ts!
- Farts are turd cologne.
- If angels pooped, they'd poop Good Humor chocolate eclairs.
- I don't trust you with my garden hose!
- He's going to the University of Weed.
- Today I put Gold Bond between my cheeks because it was so hot! It felt like winter in my pants!
- Don't question me for I am father.
 
2014-07-14 02:29:12 PM  
Am I getting paid for this?
 
2014-07-14 02:29:16 PM  
"No, I won't smell your finger. Has it been in your butt?" "Yessssssssssss! Teeeheheheheheehee!"

"Get your finger out of your nose," used to come out of my mouth that I said it to a grown-up on a crowded Metro bus.  Everybody stared at her while she slowly extracted her finger.

"I'm not Jewish. You two are."
 
2014-07-14 02:29:17 PM  
"Be sure to stay away from Republicans."
 
2014-07-14 02:29:25 PM  
"Do you really want a Gangnam Style birthday cake?"

img.fark.net
 
2014-07-14 02:29:29 PM  
Don't sit on your brother's face and fart
 
2014-07-14 02:29:36 PM  
Get your fingers out of your juice.
 
2014-07-14 02:29:39 PM  

Drew: Nobody pees on ANYONE

You

try telling that to Llamagirl.

Others:

"That's not your real dad. Quit hugging him."

Stop shooting bottle rockets at your sister

No, dogs don't like to be ridden like horsies

Crying won't get you free ice cream

Where has your hand been?
 
2014-07-14 02:29:44 PM  
During long car rides, my sister and I would fight.  I would hear this on the regular:


Sister:  "Mom, Nicholas is looking out my window!!!"
Mom:  "Nicholas!!! Stop looking out your sister's window, you have your own dammit!!!"
 
2014-07-14 02:30:35 PM  
The paramedic after giving the baby Heimlich to my toddler son: "Your boy seems to like Friskies. You might want to put the cat's bowl on the counter out of his reach."
 
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