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(CrushPlate)   Burglar dives out first floor window after run in with Texas homeowner. "I have a tattoo of the grim reaper, my hair is sticking up all crazy and I'm naked. I'm not sure if he was more afraid of me or the gun"   (crushplate.com) divider line 46
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7744 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Jul 2014 at 4:34 AM (2 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



46 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2014-07-13 10:39:21 PM
Useless without pics.

/even un-nekked ones.
 
2014-07-14 04:43:00 AM
Reminds me of a time way long ago when I had long hair and a bushy beard.  I'd just moved into a new place with some friends.  The next morning, I was brushing my teeth in the weird common area our apartment had upstairs.  (Sinks along a wall at the end of the hall.)  One of my roommates opened his door, looked out, then jumped back and slammed his door shut.  A few minutes later, the door opened a crack then all the way.  "Sorry.  I thought a homeless guy had broken into our apartment.  I was about to call the cops then I wondered why a homeless guy would break in and brush his teeth so I decided to take another look."
 
2014-07-14 05:02:31 AM

jtown: Reminds me of a time way long ago when I had long hair and a bushy beard.  I'd just moved into a new place with some friends.  The next morning, I was brushing my teeth in the weird common area our apartment had upstairs.  (Sinks along a wall at the end of the hall.)  One of my roommates opened his door, looked out, then jumped back and slammed his door shut.  A few minutes later, the door opened a crack then all the way.  "Sorry.  I thought a homeless guy had broken into our apartment.  I was about to call the cops then I wondered why a homeless guy would break in and brush his teeth so I decided to take another look."


Brilliant!
 
2014-07-14 05:10:50 AM
The gun.
 
2014-07-14 05:29:45 AM

Yogimus: The gun.


the dangling  penis
 
2014-07-14 05:35:20 AM
For some reason, the image of a woman of "a certain age", tattooed, naked, and with her hair in curlers and a cig dangling out of a corner of her mouth saying "Shoot, looks like I caught me a young'un. Git them drawers off, sonny. I ain't had it in 15 years since the old man slipped on the stairs an' started takin' them pain pills. 'Fore this gun gits heavy and I might need to lighten it up by one bullet."
 
2014-07-14 05:38:58 AM
This is one reason I always sleep naked.  No intruder wants to confront a screaming naked dude with a boner (or a gun).  They'll always run.
 
2014-07-14 05:58:34 AM

some_beer_drinker: Yogimus: The gun.

the dangling penis


Or maybe he was excited to see the burglar. Too excited.
 
2014-07-14 06:08:46 AM

jtown: Reminds me of a time way long ago when I had long hair and a bushy beard.  I'd just moved into a new place with some friends.  The next morning, I was brushing my teeth in the weird common area our apartment had upstairs.  (Sinks along a wall at the end of the hall.)  One of my roommates opened his door, looked out, then jumped back and slammed his door shut.  A few minutes later, the door opened a crack then all the way.  "Sorry.  I thought a homeless guy had broken into our apartment.  I was about to call the cops then I wondered why a homeless guy would break in and brush his teeth so I decided to take another look."


*inset Oscar Pistoious joke here*
 
2014-07-14 06:17:40 AM
A: never fight a naked man

B: I have been assured over and over this never happens, so I call shenanigans.
 
2014-07-14 06:32:47 AM

some_beer_drinker: Yogimus: The gun.

the dangling  penis


Both
 
2014-07-14 06:33:26 AM
There's an unarmed bad guy in Texas? He's letting the side down.
 
2014-07-14 06:49:04 AM

D_Moran: some_beer_drinker: Yogimus: The gun.

the dangling penis

Or maybe he was excited to see the burglar. Too excited.


It was Texas and this guy did have the right to shoot somebody. He was probably at least at half mast.
 
2014-07-14 06:50:25 AM
I thought instead of a gun it was a samurai sword, and the guy was wearing a baby mask. The naked part was right though.

/YOU what the fark?!?
 
2014-07-14 07:00:38 AM

cynicalbastard: For some reason, the image of a woman of "a certain age", tattooed, naked, and with her hair in curlers and a cig dangling out of a corner of her mouth saying "Shoot, looks like I caught me a young'un. Git them drawers off, sonny. I ain't had it in 15 years since the old man slipped on the stairs an' started takin' them pain pills. 'Fore this gun gits heavy and I might need to lighten it up by one bullet."


You know my mom?
 
2014-07-14 07:30:55 AM
Why didn't he call the police? Hasn't this guy ever seen that "I Survived" show? I'm pretty sure this episode usually ends with the husband dead and the wife crawling out of a shallow grave and onto a neighbors porch.
 
2014-07-14 07:31:03 AM

cynicalbastard: For some reason, the image of a woman of "a certain age", tattooed, naked, and with her hair in curlers and a cig dangling out of a corner of her mouth saying "Shoot, looks like I caught me a young'un. Git them drawers off, sonny. I ain't had it in 15 years since the old man slipped on the stairs an' started takin' them pain pills. 'Fore this gun gits heavy and I might need to lighten it up by one bullet."


Oh my god, I have to fap to this, like, right now
 
2014-07-14 07:42:34 AM

"I have a tattoo of the grim reaper, my hair is sticking up all crazy and I'm naked. I'm not sure if he was more afraid of me or the gun"


Burglar-guy was using a flashlight. I'm sure in that perfect lighting he got a very clear and detailed view of the AWESOME!!! tattoo and "crazy" hair and was totally terrified.

Or he just realized in a general sense that he had been caught and fight-or-flight took over.
 
2014-07-14 07:44:18 AM

kendelrio: A: never fight a naked man

B: I have been assured over and over this never happens, so I call shenanigans.


Well, yeah where's the PROOF that this burglar even existed?  And even if he did, no way would he ever, ever, ever try and hurt anyone while he was invading their home.  Is your flatscreen worth possibly killing an otherwise innocent unemployable that just wants to feed his babies?
 
2014-07-14 07:54:11 AM

lewismarktwo: kendelrio: A: never fight a naked man

B: I have been assured over and over this never happens, so I call shenanigans.

Well, yeah where's the PROOF that this burglar even existed?  And even if he did, no way would he ever, ever, ever try and hurt anyone while he was invading their home.  Is your flatscreen worth possibly killing an otherwise innocent unemployable that just wants to feed his babies?


Yes
 
2014-07-14 08:13:56 AM
the naked gun 5.25 inches
 
2014-07-14 08:21:14 AM

lewismarktwo: kendelrio: A: never fight a naked man

B: I have been assured over and over this never happens, so I call shenanigans.

Well, yeah where's the PROOF that this burglar even existed?  And even if he did, no way would he ever, ever, ever try and hurt anyone while he was invading their home.  Is your flatscreen worth possibly killing an otherwise innocent unemployable that just wants to feed his babies?


This - I'm calling bullshiat. There was no burglar, and Hillbilly McMethboy was chasing an hallucination.
 
2014-07-14 08:31:53 AM
Just another naked vigilante taking the law into his own hands.  Sure, things turned out OK this time, but who knows what could have happened if another naked vigilante saw the first one brandishing his weapon?  Next thing you know the streets are full of naked vigilantes shooting at each other.  These things are best left to highly trained, fully clothed, law enforcement officers.
 
2014-07-14 09:00:20 AM

mrphil: Just another naked vigilante taking the law into his own hands.  Sure, things turned out OK this time, but who knows what could have happened if another naked vigilante saw the first one brandishing his weapon?  Next thing you know the streets are full of naked vigilantes shooting at each other.  These things are best left to highly trained, fully clothed, law enforcement officers.


'Brandishing his weapon'
Thanx fo dat image
 
2014-07-14 09:02:12 AM
 
2014-07-14 09:10:28 AM
I like how the burglar apologized and called the homeowner 'sir'. Shows he's a wayward yute but he shows respect.

Or is it instinct to call someone with a gun 'sir'?
 
2014-07-14 10:03:00 AM

jso2897: lewismarktwo: kendelrio: A: never fight a naked man

B: I have been assured over and over this never happens, so I call shenanigans.

Well, yeah where's the PROOF that this burglar even existed?  And even if he did, no way would he ever, ever, ever try and hurt anyone while he was invading their home.  Is your flatscreen worth possibly killing an otherwise innocent unemployable that just wants to feed his babies?

This - I'm calling bullshiat. There was no burglar, and Hillbilly McMethboy was chasing an hallucination.


All of you are idiots.  Just because a responsible gun owner protected himself, his family and his possessions doesn't mean that Americans should just ignore the fact people are getting killed by irresponsible gun owners, mentally ill gun owners, and criminals.  All it means is that there are in fact valid reasons to own a firearm, something which the vast majority of people on both sides of the aisle agree on. Mandatory safety training and background checks might keep guns away from some of the the idiots, mentally ill and criminals though.
 
2014-07-14 10:11:47 AM

Egoy3k: All of you are idiots. Just because a responsible gun owner protected himself, his family and his possessions doesn't mean that Americans should just ignore the fact people are getting killed by irresponsible gun owners, mentally ill gun owners, and criminals. All it means is that there are in fact valid reasons to own a firearm, something which the vast majority of people on both sides of the aisle agree on. Mandatory safety training and background checks might keep guns away from some of the the idiots, mentally ill and criminals though.


If only there were some chart based statistic that one could consult to see if gun violence among the types you mentioned is actually increasing or decreasing or simply a matter of what happens when news becomes almost instantly reported seconds after it's witnessed....
 
2014-07-14 10:29:59 AM
The homeowner, the worse the gun can do is kill you, I don't look good in a gimp suit
 
2014-07-14 10:39:48 AM
Y'all think it's funny to talk about it but damned if running out your back door buck ass naked holding a scattergun at 2am won't make a thief run like hell.

/been there done that
//older and uglier now
 
2014-07-14 11:02:00 AM
Do people think that tattoos are scary?  Is that what I am supposed to think?  That the guy with the skull tattoo thinks he is scaring people?
 
2014-07-14 11:18:25 AM

trappedspirit: Do people think that tattoos are scary?  Is that what I am supposed to think?  That the guy with the skull tattoo thinks he is scaring people?


Csb: My brother would tell his kids that my tattoos would come after him if they were bad.

/they only bought it for a day
 
2014-07-14 11:57:27 AM

MusicMakeMyHeadPound: cynicalbastard: For some reason, the image of a woman of "a certain age", tattooed, naked, and with her hair in curlers and a cig dangling out of a corner of her mouth saying "Shoot, looks like I caught me a young'un. Git them drawers off, sonny. I ain't had it in 15 years since the old man slipped on the stairs an' started takin' them pain pills. 'Fore this gun gits heavy and I might need to lighten it up by one bullet."

Oh my god, I have to fap to this, like, right now


Guys on Fark are so weird.
 
2014-07-14 12:36:30 PM

Needlessly Complicated: MusicMakeMyHeadPound: cynicalbastard: For some reason, the image of a woman of "a certain age", tattooed, naked, and with her hair in curlers and a cig dangling out of a corner of her mouth saying "Shoot, looks like I caught me a young'un. Git them drawers off, sonny. I ain't had it in 15 years since the old man slipped on the stairs an' started takin' them pain pills. 'Fore this gun gits heavy and I might need to lighten it up by one bullet."

Oh my god, I have to fap to this, like, right now

Guys on Fark are so weird.


Correlation =/= causation!!!
 
2014-07-14 01:02:49 PM

kendelrio: Needlessly Complicated: MusicMakeMyHeadPound: cynicalbastard: For some reason, the image of a woman of "a certain age", tattooed, naked, and with her hair in curlers and a cig dangling out of a corner of her mouth saying "Shoot, looks like I caught me a young'un. Git them drawers off, sonny. I ain't had it in 15 years since the old man slipped on the stairs an' started takin' them pain pills. 'Fore this gun gits heavy and I might need to lighten it up by one bullet."

Oh my god, I have to fap to this, like, right now

Guys on Fark are so weird.

Correlation =/= causation!!!i1.kym-cdn.com

 
2014-07-14 01:11:55 PM

cynicalbastard: kendelrio: Needlessly Complicated: MusicMakeMyHeadPound: cynicalbastard: For some reason, the image of a woman of "a certain age", tattooed, naked, and with her hair in curlers and a cig dangling out of a corner of her mouth saying "Shoot, looks like I caught me a young'un. Git them drawers off, sonny. I ain't had it in 15 years since the old man slipped on the stairs an' started takin' them pain pills. 'Fore this gun gits heavy and I might need to lighten it up by one bullet."

Oh my god, I have to fap to this, like, right now

Guys on Fark are so weird.

Correlation =/= causation!!!


Ok..... Maybe it does.
 
2014-07-14 01:48:28 PM
Only a good guy with a tat can protect you against a bad guy intent on stealing your tat.
 
2014-07-14 01:55:27 PM

I'd like to see the tattoo at least. Is it Rock 'n' Roll? Is it Discworld? Is it BMF? Is is a delightful mash up of all three?

But boy do I (and Pterry Pratchett) have the perfect slogan for you:

th04.deviantart.net

 
2014-07-14 01:56:02 PM
I'd buy the t-shirt.
 
2014-07-14 02:00:43 PM

trappedspirit: Do people think that tattoos are scary?  Is that what I am supposed to think?  That the guy with the skull tattoo thinks he is scaring people?


Tattoos aren't scary. It's the guy who's wearing the tattoo that is scary. A giant naked Scotsman with wild orange Berseker hair and beard and a tattoo of Hello Kitty with a dirk in her mouth is a lot scarier than a a wimp with all the Death Metal in the world.

Ill met by moonlight. That's the effect to go for.
 
2014-07-14 02:08:50 PM
How dare that homeowner use a gun to defend himself!  He should have hid in his closet and called the police while trying not to whimper loud enough to draw attention to himself, like the founding fathers intended!
 
2014-07-14 02:18:23 PM

brantgoose: trappedspirit: Do people think that tattoos are scary?  Is that what I am supposed to think?  That the guy with the skull tattoo thinks he is scaring people?

Tattoos aren't scary. It's the guy who's wearing the tattoo that is scary. A giant naked Scotsman with wild orange Berseker hair and beard and a tattoo of Hello Kitty with a dirk in her mouth is a lot scarier than a a wimp with all the Death Metal in the world.

Ill met by moonlight. That's the effect to go for.


I dunno, white are scarier if they are covered in neo-nazi tattoos. Some punk being mouthy is more disconcerting if he has teardrop tattoos or prison tats, and what about a Japanese guy with yakuza tattoos or even worse a Japanese woman with yakuza tattoos.  I think that some tattoos can do lots to make someone look scarier.
 
2014-07-14 03:22:51 PM
//obscure
 
2014-07-14 04:20:40 PM
WAS THAT A FUNNY POST ABOUT DISCWORLD? IT SOUNDS LIKE IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN FUNNY. GOOD ONE.
 
2014-07-14 06:20:34 PM
This is why we need to stand up for our second amendment right to go around tattooed, naked and with our hair sticking up all crazy!  Save America!
 
2014-07-15 03:39:55 PM

Englebert Slaptyback: "I have a tattoo of the grim reaper, my hair is sticking up all crazy and I'm naked. I'm not sure if he was more afraid of me or the gun"


Burglar-guy was using a flashlight. I'm sure in that perfect lighting he got a very clear and detailed view of the AWESOME!!! tattoo and "crazy" hair GINORMOUS, engorged member and was totally terrified.

Or he just realized in a general sense that he had been caught and fight-or-flight took over.


FTFY. If you saw this dude at full salute and armed with a gun in texas while trying to burgle his home, you KNOW every bad horror movie plot you had ever seen would whistle through your mind at once. When that happens, there is only two thoughts in your mind: buttclench, and run like hell.
 
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