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(Cracked)   Here are four reasons the new Star Wars movies will suck--that don't involve JJ Abrams   (cracked.com ) divider line
    More: Obvious  
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5961 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 13 Jul 2014 at 11:14 AM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-07-13 10:08:25 AM  
How do morons like this get paid to write bullshiat articles like this? I guess because bigger morons like me click on the links.
 
2014-07-13 10:49:53 AM  
The new slave Leia scenes?
 
2014-07-13 11:47:32 AM  

grokca: The new slave Leia scenes?


You just had to go there, didn't you?
 
2014-07-13 11:49:57 AM  
Missing from the list: expectations. When expectations are set this high, the chances of realizing them are nil. It's easy to say, "it's a clean slate with new people running the show- just go in with no expectations and you'll be fine!" But, c'mon... we're talking about Star Wars here. It's a franchise that practically defines obsessive, slavish, Stockholm Syndrome fandom. They could announce that every single ticket includes a free blowjibber from a model dressed like Slave Leia and it wouldn't be enough.
 
2014-07-13 11:51:42 AM  
www.refinedguy.com
 
2014-07-13 11:55:45 AM  
I normally quite like Cracked. They've sometimes got some interesting things to say, but that sucked donkey balls.

4. No characters. And how big was Iron Man before RDJ got into the suit? If you make a character that people love, you can spin them off.
3. Origin stories for characters that don't need them? So, which characters are they about then, genius?
2. Rapid releases? And what's Marvel doing? Couple of movies a year, isn't it? And they haven't made a stinker.They've all been at least watchable.
1. Statistics. Past performance often means jack shiat. It's about the people you get for a project. By that reckoning, Cars 2 and Monsters University should have been awesome based on the average of prior Pixar movies.

I'm not expecting miracles because I don't think Abrams is that sort of film maker. I think he's a guy that makes good films that make money, but I never sense that he's enough of a risk taker to make something extraordinary. They'll be good films, but anyone expecting him to make anything as good as Empire or even Jedi is going to be disappointed.
 
2014-07-13 12:17:45 PM  
We are talking about action adventure movies.  They don't need to be great.  We aren't shooting for Casablanca, Schindler's List, or The Godfather.  They just need to be better than the prequels.  An earthworm could clear that bar without a running start.  Keep George Lucas away from the script, hire a couple actors that can't be replaced by cardboard cutouts without anyone noticing, kill Jar Jar Binks on screen and you are golden.
 
2014-07-13 12:26:08 PM  

HK-MP5-SD: We are talking about action adventure movies.  They don't need to be great.  We aren't shooting for Casablanca, Schindler's List, or The Godfather.  They just need to be better than the prequels.  An earthworm could clear that bar without a running start.  Keep George Lucas away from the script, hire a couple actors that can't be replaced by cardboard cutouts without anyone noticing, kill Jar Jar Binks on screen and you are golden.


"of all the cantinas in all the galaxy she had to walk ... NO DROIDS!"

"I'm going to speak Italian to Michael." "Sir I am fluent in over six million forms of communication."
 
2014-07-13 12:26:28 PM  
This article reminded me that Star Wars Detours existed.


images.tvrage.com
 
2014-07-13 12:26:44 PM  
Just watch the Kevin Smith Q&A where he talks about getting on the Falcon. If that doesn't get your hopes up, just stop folllowing Star Wars news, it's over for you.
 
2014-07-13 12:29:16 PM  

HK-MP5-SD: Keep George Lucas away from the script


Lucas did write the original trilogy, you know. The stories anyway. Luckily they at least have Lawrence Kasden (Empire, Raiders) writing the screenplay this time around.

/assuming he's still lucid, he has to be like 90 by now
 
2014-07-13 12:29:30 PM  
Trekkie like typing detected.
 
2014-07-13 12:30:07 PM  

HK-MP5-SD: They don't need to be great. We aren't shooting for Casablanca, Schindler's List, or The Godfather.


People like you are why they will keep making GI Joe,Fast & Furious, and Transformer movies.
 
2014-07-13 12:31:07 PM  
From TFA:

They're Imitating the Marvel Movies

You know, I actually did bother to read the words that followed that point to see if there was some way...any way...they could make that sound like a bad thing.  They didn't.

Marvel/Disney managed to take a bunch of characters and put them in stand alone movies that had no right to be as successful as they have been.  Thor?  Unbelievable.  Captain America?  Winter Soldier was the best movie of the entire bunch thus far, and it revolves around a dude that runs around with a shield that has no 'appealing' super powers like shooting bolts of lightning from his arse.  Hell, even Iron Man's success is surprising and he was easily the most 'known' of all the MCU characters prior to the movies.

The movies were successful because they were well cast, well acted, and by and large had engaging stories that didn't require you to have even picked up a comic before seeing them, but they ALSO had plenty of fan service in them for the audience that allowed these things to make it to the big screen in the first place.  Disney has had an overall plot largely constructed that threads all these movies together which doesn't leave you with the feeling someone is pulling the stories out of their ass on the fly....like the prequels did in the rare case they weren't just mimicking scenes from the originals for no apparent reason other than lack of originality.  If Disney takes that same approach (and there's no reason to think they aren't) they'll be fine.

Basically what I'm trying to say is Disney is going to have to fark up BEFORE I start gnashing my teeth over their decisions....and if you're going to argue they are already farking up based off the decision to follow a path similar to the insanely successful MCU...yeah, try harder.
 
2014-07-13 12:31:55 PM  

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: Just watch the Kevin Smith Q&A where he talks about getting on the Falcon. If that doesn't get your hopes up, just stop folllowing Star Wars news, it's over for you.


He loved Attack of the Clones.
 
2014-07-13 12:33:48 PM  
This article is so full of shiat that it squeaks out farts with every paragraph break.

Right off the bat, they're claiming that a lack of characters is going to result in lots of movies about the characters from the first three movies.  They claim that the EU got 'trashed', but the people in charge of that cleansing specifically said that they would be saving the most compelling parts of the EU for reuse.

Then the writer is complaining about the prequels in an article about Disney and its plans for SW and Disney didn't have anything to do with the prequels.  Take it up with Lucas, you farking idiot.

Next, he's complaining about how seeing different characters at different points in their lives is going to be 'confusing' for the viewers.

Farking 'really', dude?  Seeing characters at different points in their lives is 'confusing?'

Finally, he wraps the whole thing with a "The 'Holiday Special' was terrible, so their batting record is shiat!'

I'm sincerely considering sending the writer an email, asking him who he's lavishing with oral sex in order to keep his job after delivering such pieces of shiat.  Because he's not keeping his job because of talent.  He has the opposite of talent.  I'm honestly typing slower and with less coherence after reading that piece of shiat article.
 
2014-07-13 12:33:59 PM  

Marshmallow Jones: HK-MP5-SD: They don't need to be great. We aren't shooting for Casablanca, Schindler's List, or The Godfather.

People like you are why they will keep making GI Joe,Fast & Furious, and Transformer movies.


What does that really matter? It's not like anyone has put a gun to your head to go see them. Which is about what it would take for me to watch another fast & furious movie.
 
2014-07-13 12:34:13 PM  
I honestly am not expecting a lot from the new movies.  Prequels were pretty bad and it is difficult for me to have much hope for redeeming the universe.
 
2014-07-13 12:41:11 PM  
If you look at Cinderella 3 as some sort of reflection of the extent of Disney's capabilities as a creative company, you have no business writing anything about the entertainment industry ever.
 
2014-07-13 12:44:12 PM  
No, you are all wrong. The Disney Store sells the BEST Star Wars flip flops.


cdn.s7.disneystore.com
 
2014-07-13 12:46:41 PM  
Fark you "Cracked" for rooting for failure instead of rooting for success and Fark you Subby for being part of the problem with the "obvious" tag.

I for one am hopeful that these films will be awesome and I can experience more of the Star Wars universe.
 
2014-07-13 12:47:01 PM  

salvador.hardin: If you look at Cinderella 3 as some sort of reflection of the extent of Disney's capabilities as a creative company, you have no business writing anything about the entertainment industry ever.


Cinderella had sequels?
 
2014-07-13 12:49:15 PM  

salvador.hardin: If you look at Cinderella 3 as some sort of reflection of the extent of Disney's capabilities as a creative company, you have no business writing anything about the entertainment industry ever.


For those curious, those horrible direct-to-video releases were done under the guidance and leadership of Michael Eisner and resulted in his ousting by Roy Disney.  Since  Roy Disney took over, I do believe those things have been brought to a halt.
 
2014-07-13 12:51:13 PM  

Mugato: How do morons like this get paid to write bullshiat articles like this? I guess because bigger morons like me click on the links.


Second shiatty Star Wars story today

FARK is now a shill farm.
 
2014-07-13 01:00:18 PM  

Shrugging Atlas: From TFA:

They're Imitating the Marvel Movies

You know, I actually did bother to read the words that followed that point to see if there was some way...any way...they could make that sound like a bad thing.  They didn't.

Marvel/Disney managed to take a bunch of characters and put them in stand alone movies that had no right to be as successful as they have been.  Thor?  Unbelievable.  Captain America?  Winter Soldier was the best movie of the entire bunch thus far, and it revolves around a dude that runs around with a shield that has no 'appealing' super powers like shooting bolts of lightning from his arse.  Hell, even Iron Man's success is surprising and he was easily the most 'known' of all the MCU characters prior to the movies.

The movies were successful because they were well cast, well acted, and by and large had engaging stories that didn't require you to have even picked up a comic before seeing them, but they ALSO had plenty of fan service in them for the audience that allowed these things to make it to the big screen in the first place.  Disney has had an overall plot largely constructed that threads all these movies together which doesn't leave you with the feeling someone is pulling the stories out of their ass on the fly....like the prequels did in the rare case they weren't just mimicking scenes from the originals for no apparent reason other than lack of originality.  If Disney takes that same approach (and there's no reason to think they aren't) they'll be fine.

Basically what I'm trying to say is Disney is going to have to fark up BEFORE I start gnashing my teeth over their decisions....and if you're going to argue they are already farking up based off the decision to follow a path similar to the insanely successful MCU...yeah, try harder.


Yes, I am willing to give them the benefit, as much as I have pissed and moaned about the prequels. It seems to be in good hands.
 
2014-07-13 01:04:19 PM  
snakkle.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com
 
2014-07-13 01:06:03 PM  
They should go to an all gay galaxy.
 
2014-07-13 01:20:08 PM  

BalugaJoe: They should go to an all gay galaxy.


My understanding is that Key West is already installing the landing strip.
www.gaykeywestfl.com Love Key West, BTW.  Lived one block off Duval (Sapodilla Villa on Elizabeth) for almost 3 years.
 
2014-07-13 01:25:01 PM  
He missed 5) None of the previous 6 movies were particularly good.
 
2014-07-13 01:35:00 PM  
Here are 4 opinions of one person that will largely fall on deaf ears

Transformers 4 is a huge pile of crap. Still making farktons of money though
 
2014-07-13 01:35:21 PM  
The grammar in this headline broke my brain
 
2014-07-13 01:38:47 PM  

Shrugging Atlas: From TFA:

They're Imitating the Marvel Movies

You know, I actually did bother to read the words that followed that point to see if there was some way...any way...they could make that sound like a bad thing.  They didn't.

Marvel/Disney managed to take a bunch of characters and put them in stand alone movies that had no right to be as successful as they have been.  Thor?  Unbelievable.  Captain America?  Winter Soldier was the best movie of the entire bunch thus far, and it revolves around a dude that runs around with a shield that has no 'appealing' super powers like shooting bolts of lightning from his arse.  Hell, even Iron Man's success is surprising and he was easily the most 'known' of all the MCU characters prior to the movies.

The movies were successful because they were well cast, well acted


Marvel movies did well because they were allowed a LOT of freedom. RDJ as Ironman specifically, did a lot of improv and such.  The comedy factor there worked like a charm. A more mature context made it palatable, and it's base in less than serious comics made it allowable.

When you do comedy in Star Wars it comes out as JarJar Binks and ewoks, in sharp and jarring contrast to the more serious or more emotionally mature tone of the rest of the story.

They also have a very excellent point remarking on the likely continual releases/spinoffs and posting a SuperBowl picture.  When it becomes obligatory and regularly scheduled, what's special about something good bleeds right out.  Over exposure and desensitization tend to culminate in things being utterly unexceptional.  Oversaturation is what kills a lot of good stories / media content.

If Firefly were still being made today, do you think the fanbase would still go bonkers over it?  No.
 
2014-07-13 01:45:02 PM  
Although we know next to nothing save some very basic facts about these upcoming films, this iota of information is more than enough to ascertain some extremely big conclusions. Namely, that these eagerly awaited future classics are pretty much farked up from conception, not unlike the way some wizard bacteria got mad horny one day and knocked up Darth Vader's mom.


So TFAuthor was able to link to Wookiepedia but couldn't be bothered to mention the bit about Darth Plagueis.  It makes Anakin's origin story a lot more interesting.

/and the novel is one of the best EU works of the last 15 years
 
2014-07-13 01:53:38 PM  

Fano: Yes, I am willing to give them the benefit, as much as I have pissed and moaned about the prequels. It seems to be in good hands.


That's basically the approach I'm taking.  I didn't like the prequels at the time, and like them even less now.  You can set aside Jar Jar, 1950s diners on Coruscant and all that other shiat:  The biggest problems I had were bad storytelling and worse acting.  Based off the casting they've announced, and Disney's experience with the MCU I prefer to think the films have a much better shot at being I personally hope for.  And people can piss and moan all that want about Abrams and lens flare...I liked his work on the Star Trek movies and think if he takes the same approach with the Star Wars films we'll be in good shape.
 
2014-07-13 01:56:21 PM  

Sparkimus Prime: He loved Attack of the Clones.


and criticised Lord of the Rings.

AOTC is the worst film I've ever paid money to see in a theater. And I've seen Police Academy IV: Citizens on Patrol and Rocky IV.
 
2014-07-13 02:12:15 PM  
Dahnkster:

Ok. That's awesome.
 
2014-07-13 02:14:01 PM  

HK-MP5-SD: We are talking about action adventure movies.  They don't need to be great.  We aren't shooting for Casablanca, Schindler's List, or The Godfather.  They just need to be better than the prequels.  An earthworm could clear that bar without a running start.  Keep George Lucas away from the script, hire a couple actors that can't be replaced by cardboard cutouts without anyone noticing, kill Jar Jar Binks on screen and you are golden.


And here you are making excuses in advance. Just wait until this overrated hack  defecates this piece of cinematic excrement, you'll be begging for uncle George to release an extended Phantom Menace with extended Galactic Senate scenes.
 
2014-07-13 02:14:50 PM  
They're Imitating the Marvel Movies

I'm out.
Cause copying a success....reasons...
 
2014-07-13 02:16:52 PM  

UNC_Samurai: Although we know next to nothing save some very basic facts about these upcoming films, this iota of information is more than enough to ascertain some extremely big conclusions. Namely, that these eagerly awaited future classics are pretty much farked up from conception, not unlike the way some wizard bacteria got mad horny one day and knocked up Darth Vader's mom.


So TFAuthor was able to link to Wookiepedia but couldn't be bothered to mention the bit about Darth Plagueis.  It makes Anakin's origin story a lot more interesting.

/and the novel is one of the best EU works of the last 15 years


A New Hope got the origin story right.  The prequels were completely unnecessary and ruined star wars.
 
2014-07-13 02:24:58 PM  
Well, at least they can't be as bad as this article.
 
2014-07-13 02:31:10 PM  
Wow, 4 reasons. Soon Cracked will be making shiatty lists with one item on them. And split it into two pages.
 
2014-07-13 02:38:58 PM  

sprgrss: UNC_Samurai: Although we know next to nothing save some very basic facts about these upcoming films, this iota of information is more than enough to ascertain some extremely big conclusions. Namely, that these eagerly awaited future classics are pretty much farked up from conception, not unlike the way some wizard bacteria got mad horny one day and knocked up Darth Vader's mom.


So TFAuthor was able to link to Wookiepedia but couldn't be bothered to mention the bit about Darth Plagueis.  It makes Anakin's origin story a lot more interesting.

/and the novel is one of the best EU works of the last 15 years

A New Hope got the origin story right.  The prequels were completely unnecessary and ruined star wars.


Didn't ruin it, but 'did' piss a lot of people off.  I have high hopes for Disney since I've seen that they have the good sense to fund creative companies and let them do what they do best.
 
2014-07-13 02:40:18 PM  
Seems relevant: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2bKVEVUOPg

Also, Jedi Knight 2 had some of the funnest online deathmatch I've ever played.

/Force choke off a ledge, biatch.
 
2014-07-13 02:40:41 PM  

Zombie DJ: They're Imitating the Marvel Movies

I'm out.
Cause copying a success....reasons...


Yeah he shouldn't have started with that one.  I actually laughed out loud.

The article writer just sounds like some angry hipster who hates popular things because they're popular.  But if he can get in on hating before it even comes out...then he is the ultimate hipster!
 
2014-07-13 02:43:16 PM  

omeganuepsilon: They also have a very excellent point remarking on the likely continual releases/spinoffs and posting a SuperBowl picture.  When it becomes obligatory and regularly scheduled, what's special about something good bleeds right out.  Over exposure and desensitization tend to culminate in things being utterly unexceptional.  Oversaturation is what kills a lot of good stories / media content.


That's projection, and years away at best.  Does the possibility exist that overexposure sets in?  Sure....but that's a pretty absurd thing to be moaning about when the first movie is still over a year away.

omeganuepsilon: When you do comedy in Star Wars it comes out as JarJar Binks and ewoks, in sharp and jarring contrast to the more serious or more emotionally mature tone of the rest of the story.


No, that's when you do shiatty comedy in Star Wars.  There's plenty of more subtle, more adult comedy in Star Wars ("Laugh it up, fuzzball") particularly in Empire that I think is comparable to what you saw in Winter Soldier--and both are the "Dark Middle Chapters" of each trilogy.  And I think it's important to stress the guy that gave us Jar Jar Binks stepping in poop doesn't have a hand in these films.

omeganuepsilon: Marvel movies did well because they were allowed a LOT of freedom. RDJ as Ironman specifically, did a lot of improv and such.  The comedy factor there worked like a charm. A more mature context made it palatable, and it's base in less than serious comics made it allowable.


You're correct, but as with the above example why do you think Abrams can't deliver on that in Star Wars.  The Abram's Star Trek movies certainly managed it just fine.
 
2014-07-13 03:11:33 PM  
You're correct, but as with the above example why do you think Abrams can't deliver on that in Star Wars.  The Abram's Star Trek movies certainly managed it just fine.


No, no they didn't.
 
2014-07-13 03:25:13 PM  
Bslim: No, no they didn't.

This. The first Abramstrek movie was watchable -- once, to see WTF was going to happen. And it was utterly predictable: A good cast, some witty dialogue, horrible nonsense plot, rampant stupidity, and STFU lens flare. The second one was so awful that I shut it off twice in the first fifteen minutes and never watched the rest, and I have zero regrets.

I don't hate Abrams personally, or anything, but he's like Joss Whedon with all the substance and intelligence removed. And I'm not that big of a Whedon fan. No thanks.
 
2014-07-13 03:37:40 PM  

Shrugging Atlas: Fano: Yes, I am willing to give them the benefit, as much as I have pissed and moaned about the prequels. It seems to be in good hands.

That's basically the approach I'm taking.  I didn't like the prequels at the time, and like them even less now.  You can set aside Jar Jar, 1950s diners on Coruscant and all that other shiat:  The biggest problems I had were bad storytelling and worse acting.  Based off the casting they've announced, and Disney's experience with the MCU I prefer to think the films have a much better shot at being I personally hope for.  And people can piss and moan all that want about Abrams and lens flare...I liked his work on the Star Trek movies and think if he takes the same approach with the Star Wars films we'll be in good shape.


That complain always strikes me as strange. Yeah, he way overdid that with his first Star Trek movie. He was trying to go for something, totally missed. But the second one didn't have that problem, nor did Super 8.
 
2014-07-13 03:55:31 PM  

meanmutton: That complain always strikes me as strange. Yeah, he way overdid that with his first Star Trek movie. He was trying to go for something, totally missed. But the second one didn't have that problem, nor did Super 8.


It was never a real problem for me....I honestly didn't notice it until I started reading complaints after the first movie but I have to admit it stands out now that it's been pointed out to me.

RandomAxe: Bslim: No, no they didn't.

This. The first Abramstrek movie was watchable -- once, to see WTF was going to happen. And it was utterly predictable: A good cast, some witty dialogue, horrible nonsense plot, rampant stupidity, and STFU lens flare. The second one was so awful that I shut it off twice in the first fifteen minutes and never watched the rest, and I have zero regrets.

I don't hate Abrams personally, or anything, but he's like Joss Whedon with all the substance and intelligence removed. And I'm not that big of a Whedon fan. No thanks.


They may not have appealed to your personally, but there's no question they were popular and well received critically which is all any movie really hopes for.  Not like I don't have complaints about them as well...particularly the second one...but all in all I was entertained.
It's probably not the greatest idea contrasting his work on Star Trek and whatever he might do with Star Wars anyway given the wildly different circumstances under which the movies are being crafted.  Disney is going to keep a tight hold on the storytelling for one which should lead to a tighter and less unwieldy plot, and there's also the important fact they aren't trying to pull off a reboot of a franchise which is still supposed to take place within the universe of that same franchise.  Any time you introduce time-travel mumbo jumbo you're always going to generate complaints about the plot.
 
2014-07-13 03:58:06 PM  

meanmutton: Shrugging Atlas: Fano: Yes, I am willing to give them the benefit, as much as I have pissed and moaned about the prequels. It seems to be in good hands.

That's basically the approach I'm taking.  I didn't like the prequels at the time, and like them even less now.  You can set aside Jar Jar, 1950s diners on Coruscant and all that other shiat:  The biggest problems I had were bad storytelling and worse acting.  Based off the casting they've announced, and Disney's experience with the MCU I prefer to think the films have a much better shot at being I personally hope for.  And people can piss and moan all that want about Abrams and lens flare...I liked his work on the Star Trek movies and think if he takes the same approach with the Star Wars films we'll be in good shape.

That complain always strikes me as strange. Yeah, he way overdid that with his first Star Trek movie. He was trying to go for something, totally missed. But the second one didn't have that problem, nor did Super 8.


It's an easy and snarky little meme-complaint that's easy to remember and spam for a herpa-derp laugh or two.  You can always tell who the window-lickers in a thread are by watching to see who spams it at the first mention of Abrams' name.

At this point, they're acting like the dude farked their mother and never called her back.
 
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