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(YouTube)   The Onion does the most awesome takedown of Hollywood's inability to come up with original ideas imaginable. Not even close to safe for work language   (youtube.com ) divider line
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13337 clicks; posted to Video » on 11 Jul 2014 at 4:53 PM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-07-11 04:27:25 PM  
"35 years as a film critic"

LOL, what a waste of time.

I don't know if this pretentious prick really did spend half his life criticizing movies or he's just an Onion writer's grandfather but as someone who tries to actually work in the business, as much as I hate to say it, the farking suits seem to be right.

The studios spend way too much money (or claim they do) to pour money into an unproven concept. It's not the 90s anymore and most independent movies that were hits back then would be youtube videos today. And a big budget sci-fi movie that doesn't have a built in audience, farking forget it.

Movies like Edge of Tomorrow which was a genuinely good film (before you pedantic dicks start, I realize that it was based on a comic but no one really knew that) tanks, and Transformers: Rise of the Age of the Rising Fall of the Darkness Risening will always make bank. So that's where we are. No use whining about it anymore. More cartoonish CG for me to vomit up on the screen in the off chance I get a gig.
 
2014-07-11 04:48:57 PM  
God, that was so beautiful I got a tear in my eye.
 
2014-07-11 04:52:10 PM  
NTTAWWT, but he seemed a bit fixated with ramming stuff up his ass.
 
2014-07-11 04:55:31 PM  
Well, that was not nearly as funny as I was expecting.

Honest Trailers does that better.
 
2014-07-11 04:57:48 PM  
Most all of his reviews are pretty damned funny.
 
2014-07-11 04:59:10 PM  
"you're kidding yourself if you think I can't find some trenchant socio-political critique in this little monkey cum rag."

beauteous
 
2014-07-11 05:07:06 PM  
"Come at Me, Bro" the review.
 
2014-07-11 05:07:41 PM  
Except that he picked a pretty obvious sequel to one of the few reboots of a series that was actually needed... I thought the 2001 remake was 'OK', I don't get the hyper-angry hate for it, but I can understand why it was made in the first place, and I understand why Rise of the Planet of the Apes happened. The first Apes movies are great, and they deserve to be labeled as "classics", at least the first 2 or so.

But...

Technology has increased and society has relaxed enough that the movies can actually be enjoyable and still have something new to offer. This is one of the few times where Hollywood's constant obsession with remakes, reboots, sequels and prequels is OK. Normal people don't think that EVERY time Hollywood does a remake or reboot it means that nobody has an original idea, it's when they reboot everything in sight that it's a problem.

I loved Rise, and unless they farked up this one, I'll love it to.
 
2014-07-11 05:13:22 PM  

Mugato: "35 years as a film critic"

LOL, what a waste of time.

I don't know if this pretentious prick really did spend half his life criticizing movies or he's just an Onion writer's grandfather but as someone who tries to actually work in the business, as much as I hate to say it, the farking suits seem to be right.

The studios spend way too much money (or claim they do) to pour money into an unproven concept. It's not the 90s anymore and most independent movies that were hits back then would be youtube videos today. And a big budget sci-fi movie that doesn't have a built in audience, farking forget it.

Movies like Edge of Tomorrow which was a genuinely good film (before you pedantic dicks start, I realize that it was based on a comic but no one really knew that) tanks, and Transformers: Rise of the Age of the Rising Fall of the Darkness Risening will always make bank. So that's where we are. No use whining about it anymore. More cartoonish CG for me to vomit up on the screen in the off chance I get a gig.


same in every industry since the beginning of time.

we think that novels back in the day were all dostoevsky or tolstoy? wrong.  most popular novels of the day were pulp trash that was a bestseller for a year, and then completely forgotten within 5.  (there is an article by an NYU professor on this.  really interesting, he just plotted best sellers for a few centuries)

the winners of the great greek plays?  generally comedies with nothing but fart jokes, but we think it's all lysistrata because that's all that survived.  (we have some records of winners of play competitions, and accounts of the winners, and it's safe to say, often the winners were just fart joke plays.  however, some of the greats were also winners)

in real life, what is popular is always cheap gags (and they're all the same gags, fart jokes and cheap action), but what lasts is sometimes worth keeping
 
2014-07-11 05:13:25 PM  

SmackLT: God, that was so beautiful I got a tear in my eye.

 
2014-07-11 05:16:03 PM  
Thanks subby, very funny. I ran across his review of Hunger Games Catching Fire a month or two back and it had me laughing out loud. His deadpan delivery is perfect.
 
2014-07-11 05:16:33 PM  
well that was incredibly underwhelming... especially for an Onion piece.

nothing epic or pwned about that.

it was just a bunch of swearing with no meat behind it.

the mouth-breathers will think it's biting satire though.
 
2014-07-11 05:19:02 PM  
That was excellent.
 
2014-07-11 05:19:43 PM  

Nana's Vibrator: "you're kidding yourself if you think I can't find some trenchant socio-political critique in this little monkey cum rag."

beauteous


"My dick is getting hard just thinking about Casablanca 2"

/The Casablancaning!
 
2014-07-11 05:22:26 PM  

Mikey1969: Normal people don't think that EVERY time Hollywood does a remake or reboot it means that nobody has an original idea


There are a ton of original ideas. Some of them are even good ones. Lots of great scripts out there. But the established franchises will always get the greenlights, as much as I think that sort of sucks.

I do find the constant reboots annoying. RoboCop, Total Recall, The Crow, Mad Max, The Highlander, Point Break, every 1980s horror movie*, Spider-Man (rebooted every 5 years for legal reasons), etc. That's all too crass even for Hollywood.

* I would like to see Hellraiser rebooted with Clive Barker at the helm though, only because he said he didn't get everything out of the first one
 
2014-07-11 05:33:22 PM  
If someone has such a giant stick up their ass about remakes and sequels, you have to ask yourself why they bother to watch them. Seems kind of retarded if you ask me.
 
2014-07-11 05:36:07 PM  

Mugato: Mikey1969: Normal people don't think that EVERY time Hollywood does a remake or reboot it means that nobody has an original idea

There are a ton of original ideas. Some of them are even good ones. Lots of great scripts out there. But the established franchises will always get the greenlights, as much as I think that sort of sucks.

I do find the constant reboots annoying. RoboCop, Total Recall, The Crow, Mad Max, The Highlander, Point Break, every 1980s horror movie*, Spider-Man (rebooted every 5 years for legal reasons), etc. That's all too crass even for Hollywood.

* I would like to see Hellraiser rebooted with Clive Barker at the helm though, only because he said he didn't get everything out of the first one


I thought the remake of Evil Dead was pretty damned good. As kick-ass as Hellraiser was, I'd love to see what it looked like if Barker wasn't happy with the original. I can even remember standing in line for it. Yeah, The Crow and Highlander should be left alone. Mad Max? I'm on the fence there, only because it was so low budget, but is also SO awesome. They shouldn't have touched Red Dawn, either. And there was absolutely zero need for a remake of Footloose.
 
2014-07-11 05:38:04 PM  

Mugato: Mikey1969: Normal people don't think that EVERY time Hollywood does a remake or reboot it means that nobody has an original idea

There are a ton of original ideas. Some of them are even good ones. Lots of great scripts out there. But the established franchises will always get the greenlights, as much as I think that sort of sucks.

I do find the constant reboots annoying. RoboCop, Total Recall, The Crow, Mad Max, The Highlander, Point Break, every 1980s horror movie*, Spider-Man (rebooted every 5 years for legal reasons), etc. That's all too crass even for Hollywood.

* I would like to see Hellraiser rebooted with Clive Barker at the helm though, only because he said he didn't get everything out of the first one


Hellraiser reboot with Clive Barker at the helm and Doug Bradley as Pinhead is in the works. Barker is working on it currently.
 
2014-07-11 05:38:25 PM  

calbert: well that was incredibly underwhelming... especially for an Onion piece.

nothing epic or pwned about that.

it was just a bunch of swearing with no meat behind it.

the mouth-breathers will think it's biting satire though.


You're so.....edgy.
 
2014-07-11 05:38:34 PM  

ReapTheChaos: If someone has such a giant stick up their ass about remakes and sequels, you have to ask yourself why they bother to watch them. Seems kind of retarded if you ask me.


Actually it's because the more reboots, remakes, sequels and prequels they unleash on us, the less new stuff we have to watch. Not that hard to figure out, really.
 
2014-07-11 05:46:34 PM  

calbert: well that was incredibly underwhelming... especially for an Onion piece.

nothing epic or pwned about that.

it was just a bunch of swearing with no meat behind it.

the mouth-breathers will think it's biting satire though.


you do realize that the entertainment section of the onion, the av club, is not satirical? Right?
 
2014-07-11 05:48:16 PM  

Mikey1969: ReapTheChaos: If someone has such a giant stick up their ass about remakes and sequels, you have to ask yourself why they bother to watch them. Seems kind of retarded if you ask me.

Actually it's because the more reboots, remakes, sequels and prequels they unleash on us, the less new stuff we have to watch. Not that hard to figure out, really.


Well I just checked the listings for the three theaters near me, of the 21 movies showing 5 are remakes or sequels, the other 16 are new/originals. Looks like your theory is full of shiat.
 
2014-07-11 05:52:11 PM  
Y'know what?  At this point the self-fellating complaints about reboots and sequels are almost as played out as the reboots and sequels.
 
2014-07-11 05:52:31 PM  

Mikey1969: As kick-ass as Hellraiser was, I'd love to see what it looked like if Barker wasn't happy with the original.


commisioner: Hellraiser reboot with Clive Barker at the helm and Doug Bradley as Pinhead is in the works. Barker is working on it currently.


Yeah, that I can get behind. The creator of the series, had a budget of $1mill and not a lot of creative control in the original, bringing back the original Pinhead (actually it's the 'Male Cenobite', 'Pinhead' is derogatory), making the movie he wanted, not the same as throwing a CGI Jabba just to do it.... that is warranted.

Michael Bay rebooting Friday the 13th, not so much. No, that is not a repeat from 2009.
 
2014-07-11 05:55:01 PM  

ReapTheChaos: Mikey1969: ReapTheChaos: If someone has such a giant stick up their ass about remakes and sequels, you have to ask yourself why they bother to watch them. Seems kind of retarded if you ask me.

Actually it's because the more reboots, remakes, sequels and prequels they unleash on us, the less new stuff we have to watch. Not that hard to figure out, really.

Well I just checked the listings for the three theaters near me, of the 21 movies showing 5 are remakes or sequels, the other 16 are new/originals. Looks like your theory is full of shiat.


Which means that using your long-term math, just under 25% of movies now are remakes or sequels. So that's 25% less movies we have to choose from unless we want rehashed shiat or artificially extended stories.

I know, you were told that no math would be involved, well, suck it up.
 
2014-07-11 06:01:55 PM  

chitownmike: calbert: well that was incredibly underwhelming... especially for an Onion piece.

nothing epic or pwned about that.

it was just a bunch of swearing with no meat behind it.

the mouth-breathers will think it's biting satire though.

you do realize that the entertainment section of the onion, the av club, is not satirical? Right?


This wasn't for the AV Club.
 
2014-07-11 06:02:24 PM  

Mikey1969: Which means that using your long-term math, just under 25% of movies now are remakes or sequels. So that's 25% less movies we have to choose from unless we want rehashed shiat or artificially extended stories.


And my initial point was about sci-fi films that the studios are willing to pony up cash for. If movies about fat women who get 10% on Rotten Tomatoes and children dying from cancer and "America", whatever that movie is about  are the metric then great but this is the summer movie season, ffs. We never saw that shiat in the summer, that's what September is for.
 
2014-07-11 06:05:25 PM  

Mugato: Mikey1969: Normal people don't think that EVERY time Hollywood does a remake or reboot it means that nobody has an original idea

There are a ton of original ideas. Some of them are even good ones. Lots of great scripts out there. But the established franchises will always get the greenlights, as much as I think that sort of sucks.


This.

Hollywood wants guaranteed money. The safe bet is in the remake/reboot/sequel treadmill because "hey, those made money once, no reason they won't make money now." They desire a built-in audience. New ideas are risky. A studio decides to either give Adam Sandler money to make another huge cash cow, or take a risk, the obvious choice is another Sandler movie.

I wish reboots/remakes were aimed at bad movies or movies that didn't do well, thus trying to make them better. That way they take a good idea, apply a better script/director.  Take League of Extraordinary Gentleman. The concept works, the graphic novel works, the movie didn't - the script sucked. Instead they say "Hey, the version is good, so we need to redo it". Because fixing what isn't broke is the order of the day.

Eventually we're going to get to the point where Hollywood makes 1 movie, it does well, so they remake it in 5 years, over and over and over.
 
2014-07-11 06:08:14 PM  
I'm having a flashback to the time I had to write a paper on Top Gun as a socio-political critique.
 
2014-07-11 06:11:22 PM  
I get the feeling some people here like reboots and sequels.
 
2014-07-11 06:23:03 PM  

Mikey1969: ReapTheChaos: Mikey1969: ReapTheChaos: If someone has such a giant stick up their ass about remakes and sequels, you have to ask yourself why they bother to watch them. Seems kind of retarded if you ask me.

Actually it's because the more reboots, remakes, sequels and prequels they unleash on us, the less new stuff we have to watch. Not that hard to figure out, really.

Well I just checked the listings for the three theaters near me, of the 21 movies showing 5 are remakes or sequels, the other 16 are new/originals. Looks like your theory is full of shiat.

Which means that using your long-term math, just under 25% of movies now are remakes or sequels. So that's 25% less movies we have to choose from unless we want rehashed shiat or artificially extended stories.

I know, you were told that no math would be involved, well, suck it up.


Still don't know what the problem with that is, that still leaves 75% of whats showing at the theater something new/original. It's always been that way, as long as I can remember there have been sequels and remakes. Back in my younger days it was Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm St, Halloween, TX Chainsaw massacre, seemed like every summer there was another one. Yet, in all my years I've always managed to find something at the theater to satisfy me.

Honestly It seems like you people are just biatching to hear yourselves biatch at this point.
 
2014-07-11 06:38:45 PM  
Less than threes all around.

Your mileage may vary.
 
2014-07-11 06:42:01 PM  
ReapTheChaos:

Honestly It seems like you people are just biatching to hear yourselves biatch at this point.

Absolutely, I also think there are other factors in play.  When I was a kid all I could think of was seeing movies made from my favorite comics or cartoons but I knew that they would blow due to the effects not being there yet.  When they tried it usually ended really bad.  I feel like we are in a zenith as far as properties being developed that I always wanted to see.  Some have still been awful but others have exceeded any expectations I had.

Second, a lot of people hate going to theaters these days because half the audience are farktards who can't shut the frak up or stay off their damn phones.  I've resorted to seeing films three weeks after their general release on Monday at 11:00 or later just to avoid this type of situation.

Third, who the hell needs to see a romantic comedy on a big screen anyways.  Even some action movies are fine viewed at home.  I went to see dramas in the theater twenty years ago because my TV sucked, couldn't be integrated into my Bose system and movies were still being released on craptastic VHS.  Of course I went to the theater.  Hollywood needs to figure out how to make Dramas and RomComs for less than 50 mil and direct release them for home movies.

Now I have finished biatching about people biatching about movies.  Or something.
 
2014-07-11 06:42:09 PM  

Mugato: Mikey1969: As kick-ass as Hellraiser was, I'd love to see what it looked like if Barker wasn't happy with the original.

commisioner: Hellraiser reboot with Clive Barker at the helm and Doug Bradley as Pinhead is in the works. Barker is working on it currently.

Yeah, that I can get behind. The creator of the series, had a budget of $1mill and not a lot of creative control in the original, bringing back the original Pinhead (actually it's the 'Male Cenobite', 'Pinhead' is derogatory), making the movie he wanted, not the same as throwing a CGI Jabba just to do it.... that is warranted.

Michael Bay rebooting Friday the 13th, not so much. No, that is not a repeat from 2009.


I'd also like to see him do Nightbreed again. From what he says about the original, it seems to me it would work better as a miniseries though.

I am a little worried about him having too much of a budget though. To me, a reason that a lot of movies turned out well is because they didn't have a budget and were forced to get creative.

Some more good news too, he wants to use practical effects as much as possible.

(actually it's the 'Male Cenobite', 'Pinhead' is derogatory) lol, now if he would just publish the Scarlet Gospels so we find out his true name....
 
2014-07-11 06:47:51 PM  
I watched a movie on TCM this morning, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse , with Rudolph Valentino, made in 1921. No sound, bad camera work, in black & white. And with all those technical drawbacks, better than 99% of the movies put out this year. It caused a world wide tango craze and turned Valentino into a superstar. Hollywood attempted a remake of it in 1962, miscast it horribly, rewrote it even worse and it was a forgettable flop.

I would like them to try another remake of it, based on the original script which was so riveting. It sure would beat the crap out of another moronic Adam Sandler flick. Or Spiderman XI, which I'm sure they will get around to before anything I suggest.
 
2014-07-11 06:54:02 PM  

Mikey1969: Except that he picked a pretty obvious sequel to one of the few reboots of a series that was actually needed


This.

The bit would have worked so much better for m if he based his rant on Transformers 4.
 
2014-07-11 06:54:58 PM  

ReapTheChaos: If someone has such a giant stick up their ass about remakes and sequels, you have to ask yourself why they bother to watch them. Seems kind of retarded if you ask me.


Old people don't like the best/worst time of their life revisited.
/To me remakes just generate more money for the movie that's remade. Every time a remake is made the cable content providers scramble(break their neck) to show the old version over and over while exposing younger people to see the original.
 
2014-07-11 06:55:49 PM  

BullBearMS: Nana's Vibrator: "you're kidding yourself if you think I can't find some trenchant socio-political critique in this little monkey cum rag."

beauteous

"My dick is getting hard just thinking about Casablanca 2"

/The Casablancaning!


Ahem...Barb Wire 2...the The Heppening
 
2014-07-11 06:56:25 PM  

commisioner: 'd also like to see him do Nightbreed again. From what he says about the original, it seems to me it would work better as a miniseries though.


 Nightbreed  freaked me out as a kid. But yeah, a Nightbreed series would be great on Showtime, opposite the boring Game of Thrones.
 
2014-07-11 06:58:32 PM  

Flab: NTTAWWT, but he seemed a bit fixated with ramming stuff up his ass.


Well, he already said he was a film critic.
 
2014-07-11 07:24:26 PM  

Mikey1969: ReapTheChaos: If someone has such a giant stick up their ass about remakes and sequels, you have to ask yourself why they bother to watch them. Seems kind of retarded if you ask me.

Actually it's because the more reboots, remakes, sequels and prequels they unleash on us, the less new stuff we have to watch. Not that hard to figure out, really.


It must suck that they're holding guns to your head and forcing you to go see anything at all!
 
2014-07-11 07:29:17 PM  

kroonermanblack: It must suck that they're holding guns to your head and forcing you to go see anything at all!


Christ, can't people just be a lover of film and comment on the state of film making? Of course we don't have to watch what the film industry puts out. But would you ridiculous any criticism of whatever it is you care about, if anything?
 
2014-07-11 07:42:09 PM  

Mugato: Christ, can't people just be a lover of film and comment on the state of film making?


No! He should go back to school for a STEM job! Cultural and artistic critique is for pussies who can't write code!
 
2014-07-11 07:42:53 PM  
Lackofname:
Take League of Extraordinary Gentleman. The concept works, the graphic novel works, the movie didn't - the script sucked.

They did, they made it a TV show, and called it Penny Dreadful. It was actually pretty good.
 
2014-07-11 07:45:49 PM  

Cepheus Crater: Third, who the hell needs to see a romantic comedy on a big screen anyways.


This can't be stressed enough.
 
2014-07-11 07:48:01 PM  

Cepheus Crater: ReapTheChaos:

Honestly It seems like you people are just biatching to hear yourselves biatch at this point.

Absolutely, I also think there are other factors in play.  When I was a kid all I could think of was seeing movies made from my favorite comics or cartoons but I knew that they would blow due to the effects not being there yet.  When they tried it usually ended really bad.  I feel like we are in a zenith as far as properties being developed that I always wanted to see.  Some have still been awful but others have exceeded any expectations I had.

Second, a lot of people hate going to theaters these days because half the audience are farktards who can't shut the frak up or stay off their damn phones.  I've resorted to seeing films three weeks after their general release on Monday at 11:00 or later just to avoid this type of situation.

Third, who the hell needs to see a romantic comedy on a big screen anyways.  Even some action movies are fine viewed at home.  I went to see dramas in the theater twenty years ago because my TV sucked, couldn't be integrated into my Bose system and movies were still being released on craptastic VHS.  Of course I went to the theater.  Hollywood needs to figure out how to make Dramas and RomComs for less than 50 mil and direct release them for home movies.

Now I have finished biatching about people biatching about movies.  Or something.


This is the primary reason I won't go to most "regular" theaters anymore, and hell no, not on an opening weekend. The last time I did that was The Dark Knight Rises and I got lucky enough to sit next to a family who brought their 3-5 yr old. Not a pleasant experience.

The "movie grille" places, while more fun, are just as distracting.

Art house theaters are better but I doubt I'm going to be able to go see Guardians of the Galaxy at the Angelika or Landmark theaters.

They recently opened an iPic Theater here, but its an hour drive from me and I haven't made it out there yet. I would like to check it out. It's $17.50 a seat, but I wouldn't have an issue paying that if it's an enjoyable experience.
 
2014-07-11 07:49:17 PM  
Top quality review. I laughed/cried/masturbated/shot the neighbor/robbed a liquor store/ran for office.

I was nearly impressed. Then, I realized, it's FARK!
 
2014-07-11 07:55:34 PM  

commisioner: Mugato: Mikey1969: As kick-ass as Hellraiser was, I'd love to see what it looked like if Barker wasn't happy with the original.

commisioner: Hellraiser reboot with Clive Barker at the helm and Doug Bradley as Pinhead is in the works. Barker is working on it currently.

Yeah, that I can get behind. The creator of the series, had a budget of $1mill and not a lot of creative control in the original, bringing back the original Pinhead (actually it's the 'Male Cenobite', 'Pinhead' is derogatory), making the movie he wanted, not the same as throwing a CGI Jabba just to do it.... that is warranted.

Michael Bay rebooting Friday the 13th, not so much. No, that is not a repeat from 2009.

I'd also like to see him do Nightbreed again. From what he says about the original, it seems to me it would work better as a miniseries though.

I am a little worried about him having too much of a budget though. To me, a reason that a lot of movies turned out well is because they didn't have a budget and were forced to get creative.

Some more good news too, he wants to use practical effects as much as possible.

(actually it's the 'Male Cenobite', 'Pinhead' is derogatory) lol, now if he would just publish the Scarlet Gospels so we find out his true name....


I agree on the budget, the original Hellraiser did a spectacular job considering the budget and just cause an author gets more control doesn't always make it better. I think it's kind of a classic and wouldn't mind leaving it alone......

 
2014-07-11 08:11:58 PM  

ReapTheChaos: Mikey1969: ReapTheChaos: Mikey1969: ReapTheChaos: If someone has such a giant stick up their ass about remakes and sequels, you have to ask yourself why they bother to watch them. Seems kind of retarded if you ask me.

Actually it's because the more reboots, remakes, sequels and prequels they unleash on us, the less new stuff we have to watch. Not that hard to figure out, really.

Well I just checked the listings for the three theaters near me, of the 21 movies showing 5 are remakes or sequels, the other 16 are new/originals. Looks like your theory is full of shiat.

Which means that using your long-term math, just under 25% of movies now are remakes or sequels. So that's 25% less movies we have to choose from unless we want rehashed shiat or artificially extended stories.

I know, you were told that no math would be involved, well, suck it up.

Still don't know what the problem with that is, that still leaves 75% of whats showing at the theater something new/original. It's always been that way, as long as I can remember there have been sequels and remakes. Back in my younger days it was Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm St, Halloween, TX Chainsaw massacre, seemed like every summer there was another one. Yet, in all my years I've always managed to find something at the theater to satisfy me.

Honestly It seems like you people are just biatching to hear yourselves biatch at this point.


Because movie reviewers should only write about or discuss films that they like, right? Excellent point. Two thumbs up (never "down"!).
 
2014-07-11 08:38:54 PM  
Somehow the words "The Onion" seem to have lost their power in this thread.

The

Onion.
 
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