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(Onion AV Club)   Physics proves that Legolas was a filthy elven liar   (avclub.com) divider line 83
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6415 clicks; posted to Geek » on 08 Jul 2014 at 4:45 PM (51 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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ecl
2014-07-08 10:07:20 PM  
cdn.fearnet.com

dready zim: He can do it coz elves iz cool, innit. Dat legolam is da biz nawa ameen?

 
2014-07-08 10:09:26 PM  

FormlessOne: RatMaster999: [ringlord.com image 850x1439]

What about Legolam and Gimlet (son of Groin)?  Will they be able to help Arrowroot save Moxie and Pepsi from the narcs?

Clearly, Legolam was suffering from one too many visits to Tim Benzedrino...

/Hie thee hence, you leafy narc!
//Big fan of the parody.



 "Do you like what you doth see . . . ?" said the voluptuous elf-maiden as she provocatively parted the folds of her robe to reveal the rounded, shadowy glories within. Frito's throat was dry, though his head reeled with desire and ale.


She slipped off the flimsy garment and strode toward the fascinated boggie unashamed of her nakedness. She ran a perfect hand along his hairy toes, and he helplessly watched them curl with the fierce insistent wanting of her.

"Let me make thee more comfortable," she whispered hoarsely, fiddling with the clasps of his jerkin, loosening his sword belt with a laugh. "Touch me, oh _touch me_," she crooned. Frito's hand, as though of its own will, reached out and traced the delicate swelling of her elf-breast, while the other slowly crept around her tiny, flawless waist, crushing her to his barrel chest.

"Toes, I _love_ hairy toes," she moaned, forcing him down on the silvered carpet. Her tiny, pink toes caressed the luxuriant fur of his instep while Frito's nose sought out the warmth of her precious elf-navel.

"But I'm so small and hairy, and . . . and you're so _beautiful_," Frito whimpered, slipping clumsily out of his crossed garters.

The elf-maiden said nothing, but only sighed deep in her throat and held him more firmly to her faunlike body. "There is one thing you must do for me first," she whispered into one tufted ear.

"Anything," sobbed Frito, growing frantic with his need. "Anything!"

She closed her eyes and then opened them to the ceiling. "The Ring," she said. "I must have your Ring."

Frito's whole body tensed. "Oh no," he cried, "not that! Anything but . . . that."

"I must have it," she said both tenderly and fiercely. "I must have the _Ring!_"

Frito's eyes blurred with tears and confusion. "I can't," he said. "I mustn't!" But he knew resolve was no longer strong in him. Slowly, the elf- maiden's hand inched toward the chain in his vest pocket, closer and closer it came to the Ring Frito had guarded so faithfully . . .


/ye gods, but this was hot when I was 11
 
2014-07-08 10:33:34 PM  

sjmcc13: flondrix: But the following video, produced by popular YouTube channel MinutePhysics, makes it clear that, thanks to the way light diffracts when it enters the eye, the son of Thranduil is clearly fibbing about his ocular prowess-or possibly, that elves in Middle-earth can see UV radiation.

Didn't one of the the versions of D&D make this claim?

Yes... Elves have enhanced vision ins pretty much EVERY edition.

I think they do in tollkien's books as well.


Of course they do. Think of the line from (I want to say) the first LotR, when Aragorn says "Legolas, what do your elf eyes see?"

The article is based on the assumption that elf eyes are identical to human eyes. All the lore pretty much clearly shows they are not. TFA is a whiny person complaining that fantasy isn't scientifically accurate.

/I sound nerdy
 
2014-07-08 10:55:14 PM  
I thought most elves had the "far sight" ability, where they could project their perception beyond their current location to see things that were further than their normal vision could see.

Or something like that...
 
2014-07-08 11:09:01 PM  

scottydoesntknow: Physics proves that fictional character in a fictional world wouldn't work in non-fictional world.


Done in one.
Now go do something worthwhile and stop bothering us, Physics dudes.
 
2014-07-09 12:04:26 AM  

PabloHosehead: /yes, I'm a Tolkien nerd.
//no, I'm not apologetic about it


This thread awaits you in the halls of Mandos.
 
2014-07-09 12:16:42 AM  

Khazar-Khum: Of course he's a liar. Elves are arrogant bastards who do nothing but lie, cheat and steal.


You're thinking of Khajiit.
 
2014-07-09 12:33:20 AM  
Lego Lad? I am interested. What is his back story?

His superpowers are fairly obvious--the ability to explode and re-assemble himself instantly, the ability to cause chaos if you tread on him in the dark, and indestructiliity unless chewed up by a baby or pet.

I assume his Arch-Enemies include glue and Mega-Blocs.
 
2014-07-09 12:34:31 AM  
It's very rare to have a Canadian Arch-Villan Nemesis, but hey, everybody has a nemesis, some of them are bound to be as Canadian as Scott.
 
2014-07-09 12:39:21 AM  
PabloHosehead: /yes, I'm a Tolkien nerd.
//no, I'm not apologetic about i


here here!!

had pages of my first tattered Silmarillion fly out of the car yesterday
/yes, I cruise with a copy
 
2014-07-09 01:15:01 AM  

wiredroach: PabloHosehead: /yes, I'm a Tolkien nerd.
//no, I'm not apologetic about it

This thread awaits you in the halls of Mandos.


The way my life has gone the past few years, I get the feeling there are a *lot* of things awaiting me there.  If I were an elf.  Which I might be, and not know it.  Definitely one of the Avari, though...

/I should shut up now
 
2014-07-09 01:18:51 AM  

ultraholland: PabloHosehead: /yes, I'm a Tolkien nerd.
//no, I'm not apologetic about i

here here!!

had pages of my first tattered Silmarillion fly out of the car yesterday
/yes, I cruise with a copy


My senior year of high school I took AP English.  The teacher built the course around "epics".  My summer reading list was The Silmarillion and The Odyssey.

Tolkien kicks Homer's ass.

My first battered copy bought the dust long ago...
 
2014-07-09 01:40:11 AM  

PabloHosehead: The way my life has gone the past few years, I get the feeling there are a *lot* of things awaiting me there.


No worries, pal. In the end, the grey-rain curtain turns all to silver glass and rolls back, and we behold white shores and beyond them a far green country under a swift sunrise.
 
2014-07-09 03:15:40 AM  

Osomatic: Osomatic: The laws of physics clearly don't apply to elves. Or at least, not to Legolas. Anybody who watched him swing onto a horse during the warg battle knows that the normal rules of gravity and momentum have no hold on him.

Commenting on my own post to add this, which I should have done in the first place:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpegFVRxarI


While that scene is rather poor CGI, I always figured that elves - being much stronger and lighter than they seem - could easily do something like that, without pulling the horse down or any other normally expected reactions to grabbing a galloping horse.
 
2014-07-09 04:41:20 AM  

el_pilgrim: Osomatic: Osomatic: The laws of physics clearly don't apply to elves. Or at least, not to Legolas. Anybody who watched him swing onto a horse during the warg battle knows that the normal rules of gravity and momentum have no hold on him.

Commenting on my own post to add this, which I should have done in the first place:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpegFVRxarI

While that scene is rather poor CGI, I always figured that elves - being much stronger and lighter than they seem - could easily do something like that, without pulling the horse down or any other normally expected reactions to grabbing a galloping horse.


IIRC that wasn't a "wouldn't it be cool to have Legolas wrist-flick himself onto a horse" -- more of an "oh shiat we forgot to get Legolas onto the horse, what's the best we can manage with the footage we've got."
 
2014-07-09 06:13:48 AM  
Elves, kings of the forests, no knot how many shoulders can fill a savannah-ish clearing when the median average size of the combat unit is extremely common and reproduced to extremes?

Sounds like a lot of people can't suspend their disbelief.
 
2014-07-09 07:29:24 AM  

RatMaster999: [ringlord.com image 850x1439]

What about Legolam and Gimlet (son of Groin)?  Will they be able to help Arrowroot save Moxie and Pepsi from the narcs?


That is pretty much the best parody ever written.

To anyone who may never have read it... GO BUY. It's farking brilliant, even if you've never seen the movies it's hysterical.

"Aye," said Legolam, "the river is under a spell, for it is named after the fair elf-maid Nesselrode who had the hots for Menthol, God of After-Dinner Drinks. But the evil Oxydol, Goddess of Quick Tricks and Small Slams, appeared to her in the shape of a five-iron and told her that Menthol was two-timing with the Princess Phisohex, daughter of King Sano. At this Nesselrode became wroth and swore a great oath to kick Phisohex in the gut and get her mother, Cinerama, Goddess of Short-Term Loans, to turn Menthol into an erector set. But Menthol got wind of the plot and came to Nesselrode in the guise of a refrigerator, turned her into a river, and went west to sell encyclopedias. Even now, in the spring, the river softly cries, 'Menthol, Menthol, you are one wazoo. One day I'm the elf next door and then poof I'm a river. You stink.' And the wind answers, 'Phooey.'"
    "A sad story," said Frito. "Is it true?"
    "No," said Legolam.
 
2014-07-09 07:54:43 AM  
lol0.com
 
2014-07-09 08:01:08 AM  

PabloHosehead: Okay, first of all...elves weren't magical creatures.  They were the firstborn of Iluvatar, and were gifted with having a more fundamental connection with the "stuff" of Middle-Earth.  This manifested itself in many ways, like their immortality (except through violence or "giving up"), the ability to walk on snow, their ability to go without what we'd call sleep, and through their keener eyesight (both at distance and in the dark).  And in what we'd refer to as "magic"...but what was really just an ability to mold matter and energy through non-mechanical means.

It also meant that their individual fates are inextricably tied to the fate of the world, and as such they have no hope of the freedom that death may bring.  And that what choices they make ostensibly out of free will will *always* still come around to carrying out the will of Iluvatar and the fulfillment of the Ainulindale (the Song of the Valar).  They are the ultimate tragic figures (in the classical sense of the word) because every attempt to avoid their fates only helps to bring it about.

And yes, I *hated* the movies.  Partly for the plot rewrites, partly for the character assassination of Faramir, partly because they actually had Aragorn get wounded...but mostly because Tolkien's magic is not the magic of CGI.  It's so much simpler...

/yes, I'm a Tolkien nerd.
//no, I'm not apologetic about it


Tolkien's magic is so much more subtle than wizards chucking fireballs at each other. One non subtle thing I liked into the movies that I think stands more for the sort in the books is when Bilbo talks of keeping the ring and suddenly Gandalf is more THERE, as a giant presence of will.
 
2014-07-09 08:06:33 AM  
i.chzbgr.com
i3.kym-cdn.com
i2.kym-cdn.com
 
2014-07-09 09:00:15 AM  

buckler: Gecko Gingrich: He can still walk on top of snow, never ages and has that never-ending supply of never-miss arrows though, right?

That scene on Caradhras was one I was hoping they'd do faithfully. I was pleased to see Legolas walking easily atop the snow as the others plowed through it.


I giggled with glee when I saw that bit with the snow for the first time, as well as being really fast with bow & arrow.  They took the effort to give him a lot of the elf arch-traits that you read about in books of the genre.

Didn't quite call attention to many of these things even in PR(like they did with using regular sixed humans for hobbits and dwarves, that was all over entertainment news), they weren't explained, they were just there.  Overlooked by a lot of people and most of the scenes could have been done like everyone's human and it wouldn't have hurt the movie.

But they put them in anyhow, a dedication to craft.  Too many movies skip out on so much, even some of the biggest titles.
 
2014-07-09 09:38:42 AM  
img.fark.net


I been tellin' ye these blasted elves were full o' shiite for tha better part of an age!

Yarrrr.
 
2014-07-09 11:31:54 AM  

omeganuepsilon


I giggled with glee when I saw that bit with the snow for the first time, as well as being really fast with bow & arrow. They took the effort to give him a lot of the elf arch-traits that you read about in books of the genre.

Didn't quite call attention to many of these things even in PR(like they did with using regular sixed humans for hobbits and dwarves, that was all over entertainment news), they weren't explained, they were just there. Overlooked by a lot of people and most of the scenes could have been done like everyone's human and it wouldn't have hurt the movie.

But they put them in anyhow, a dedication to craft. Too many movies skip out on so much, even some of the biggest titles.


Semi-serious question: where does the "surf down the stairs on the shield and launch it into the Uruk-hai's throat" fit into that?
 
2014-07-09 11:50:20 AM  
The video producer's big 'gotcha' all comes down to the assumption that an elf in Middle-Earth has pupils the same size as a human, and that Middle Earth has only the same types of light/waves as the real world.

The types of light available we'll never know.

But pupil size?  That seems a really poor assumption to base the argument on.  No reason to believe that elves don't have larger eyes, or that they aren't able to expand their pupils to "zoom in" on distant objects.

Also, assuming that a "league" corresponds directly to a modern mile-conversion is off - old time measures are notorious for being inconsistent and varying wildly.

A possible comparison would be an Eagle's vision which is 20/4 or 5x better than average human, plus much better color reception.
 
2014-07-09 12:20:59 PM  

cefm: The video producer's big 'gotcha' all comes down to the assumption that an elf in Middle-Earth has pupils the same size as a human, and that Middle Earth has only the same types of light/waves as the real world.

The types of light available we'll never know.

But pupil size?  That seems a really poor assumption to base the argument on.  No reason to believe that elves don't have larger eyes, or that they aren't able to expand their pupils to "zoom in" on distant objects.

Also, assuming that a "league" corresponds directly to a modern mile-conversion is off - old time measures are notorious for being inconsistent and varying wildly.

A possible comparison would be an Eagle's vision which is 20/4 or 5x better than average human, plus much better color reception.


I believe the eagle eye issue is that they have the pupil coordination built for maximizing the retinal effectiveness, an elf might be more telescopic using a spongey scalera to change the focal distance and the volumetric depth of the refraction like a laser built inside out to match their cornea curvatures to retinal angles, combine that with some sort of subcranial sinus flex with their breathing and retinal size fluctuations to match light signals like silly putty and loosely inked newspaper, and maybe their eyes are sort of like a 'scent' gland for visible light from that aspect in the same way that the nostrils act as a secondary taste sense.
 
2014-07-09 12:21:41 PM  

Englebert Slaptyback: omeganuepsilon

I giggled with glee when I saw that bit with the snow for the first time, as well as being really fast with bow & arrow. They took the effort to give him a lot of the elf arch-traits that you read about in books of the genre.

Didn't quite call attention to many of these things even in PR(like they did with using regular sixed humans for hobbits and dwarves, that was all over entertainment news), they weren't explained, they were just there. Overlooked by a lot of people and most of the scenes could have been done like everyone's human and it wouldn't have hurt the movie.

But they put them in anyhow, a dedication to craft. Too many movies skip out on so much, even some of the biggest titles.


Semi-serious question: where does the "surf down the stairs on the shield and launch it into the Uruk-hai's throat" fit into that?


Not sure if it was in the books, and I have not watched the movies in forever so I can't say I recall it at all, but it's probably overkill.
Didn't he skid down the elephant tusk as well or something to that effect?

There's "dedication tot he craft" and then there's "service to the fans", and then there "gratuitous beaver shot"

In my book at any rate.  That last category includes so called "gore porn", Jar Jar binks(patently ridiculous and out of the character/theme of the movie at large, put in just for the kids).

Not necessarily bad things, indeed, Kill Bill was a good movie(pair) for what it was, but that was the style of the movie.

Those moves would have fit right in with PotC, but maybe too much for LotR.  Less fantasy genre and more fantastical

I've never liked something "cool" just for the sake of having it being cool.  It's got to naturally fit, not stand out as somehow alien.

The action in The Matrix, for example.  It was all that sort of awesome or epic, but it all fit because that was the style of the movie.

To me, LotR was more along the lines of Nolan's Batmans, or the newer James Bonds.  "Realistic" within the realm of that fictional universe.  Fitting in a cunning stunt from a Jackie Chan movie can just be foreign and off putting, feel like a gimmick.

String too much of that together and you get the eclectic and disjointed mess that was the tv show Lost. Indeed, that's what most of it was made of, cool situations or scenes or idea's, all haphazardly stitched together with little to no depth.

/all the above are just varying ways of describing the concept
 
2014-07-09 12:46:43 PM  

omeganuepsilon


Semi-serious question: where does the "surf down the stairs on the shield and launch it into the Uruk-hai's throat" fit into that?

Not sure if it was in the books, and I have not watched the movies in forever so I can't say I recall it at all, but it's probably overkill.


I thought it might be. :-)


Didn't he skid down the elephant tusk as well or something to that effect?


He did. By all rights he should have been yelling "yabba-dabba-doo!".
 
2014-07-09 01:15:56 PM  
He's assuming elf eyes work the same as human eyes.
 
2014-07-09 01:30:26 PM  

wholedamnshow: He's assuming elf eyes work the same as human eyes.


If you had RTFA, you would know it has to do with the physical nature of light.
 
2014-07-09 05:55:49 PM  

Prophet of Loss: wholedamnshow: He's assuming elf eyes work the same as human eyes.

If you had RTFA, you would know it has to do with the physical nature of light.


... in a universe where the Sun and Moon are ships built to carry the last fruits of two titanic magical glowing trees, which were felled by an unimaginably powerful demiurge and an insatiably ravenous spider-demon from the Outer Dark.
 
2014-07-09 06:46:14 PM  

that one guy with the face: Khazar-Khum: Of course he's a liar. Elves are arrogant bastards who do nothing but lie, cheat and steal.

You're thinking of Khajiit.


Those elves are racist f*cks.

/ROFL
 
2014-07-09 11:07:06 PM  

Parthenogenetic: Prophet of Loss: wholedamnshow: He's assuming elf eyes work the same as human eyes.

If you had RTFA, you would know it has to do with the physical nature of light.

... in a universe where it's claimed that the Sun and Moon are ships built to carry the last fruits of two titanic magical glowing trees, which were felled by an unimaginably powerful demiurge and an insatiably ravenous spider-demon from the Outer Dark.


In our universe, the Sun was a chariot pulled by fiery horses, driven by a god, and the Moon was a chariot pulled by winged horses, driven by a goddess (the sun god's sister.) What's your point?
 
2014-07-09 11:37:40 PM  

FormlessOne: Parthenogenetic: Prophet of Loss: wholedamnshow: He's assuming elf eyes work the same as human eyes.

If you had RTFA, you would know it has to do with the physical nature of light.

... in a universe where it's claimed that the Sun and Moon are ships built to carry the last fruits of two titanic magical glowing trees, which were felled by an unimaginably powerful demiurge and an insatiably ravenous spider-demon from the Outer Dark.

In our universe, the Sun was a chariot pulled by fiery horses, driven by a god, and the Moon was a chariot pulled by winged horses, driven by a goddess (the sun god's sister.) What's your point?


In Tolkein's world, myths are generally true.
 
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