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(Bay News 9)   Couple calls 911 after being trapped inside a room by their cat. This is not a repeat from a couple of months ago   (baynews9.com) divider line 51
    More: Florida  
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6162 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Jul 2014 at 4:11 AM (40 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2014-07-08 04:51:01 AM  
25 votes:
1.bp.blogspot.com
2014-07-08 05:21:17 AM  
7 votes:

starsrift: biatch better have fud in mah bowl by the time I get out of jail.


Not some of mah fud, not haf mah fud, not most of mah fud. B*tch better have all mah fud.
2014-07-08 04:21:15 AM  
7 votes:

Lsherm: I've been to the hospital twice after two attacks by the same cat (once for cellulitis, once for stitches) but even at his absolute worst he never made me cower in a room and call the cops.  WTF are these people doing wrong?

I think meth.  These people must smell like meth, and it really pisses the cats off.  Or something else equally offensive to their reptilian brain.  When a normal cat feels threatened by an animal much larger than itself, or two, it attacks until it can get away, and then it runs. Maybe the cat keeps smelling something it can't get away from.  It doesn't sound like a predatory attack, it sounds like the cat was trying to defend itself from something.  From what?

Or rabies, but that big ass cat from a few months ago didn't have rabies, did it?  Something these people did made that cat think trying to kill them, however fruitless an endeavor, was preferable to running away.


you probably don't want to follow up saying you got attacked by a cat twice with "these people must smell like meth and it really pisses cats off".
2014-07-08 06:07:27 AM  
6 votes:
Put on 2 pairs of jeans a heavy sweatshirt and some winter gloves. Your basic cat gladiator outfit. Grab a pillow shield and a thick blanket. Now you are ready for kitten thunderdome.
2014-07-08 04:52:14 AM  
6 votes:
biatch better have fud in mah bowl by the time I get out of jail.
2014-07-08 07:50:57 AM  
5 votes:
Sure they look sweet and innocent...
www.cinemacats.com

Then... BOOM

image.tmdb.org
2014-07-08 07:49:02 AM  
5 votes:
i92.photobucket.com
2014-07-08 04:18:04 AM  
5 votes:

MNguy: ecmoRandomNumbers: MaudlinMutantMollusk: My cats don't want me to leave for work in the morning

/of course, since I lost my job today they don't need to worry anymore
//well... except maybe about eating

Eh. If it gets bad enough, one of the cats will prevail. Then you'll have the stronger, meatier cat for when shiat gets real.

Or a few stronger, meatier cats and he'll never have to worry about working again.


Or zero cats, and a great story to tell about how he got his coonskin cap around the hobo fire at night!
2014-07-08 05:20:41 AM  
4 votes:

karmachameleon: Is this the thread where I can watch people who

...

This is the thread where we learn who on Fark is the most likely to be featured in their own news article for being trapped in a room and calling 911 on a cat.
2014-07-08 04:35:52 AM  
4 votes:
Take sheet or blanket, throw over cat.


/Then elbow drop the lumps.
2014-07-08 02:06:57 AM  
4 votes:

MaudlinMutantMollusk: My cats don't want me to leave for work in the morning

/of course, since I lost my job today they don't need to worry anymore
//well... except maybe about eating


Eh. If it gets bad enough, one of the cats will prevail. Then you'll have the stronger, meatier cat for when shiat gets real.
2014-07-08 12:18:25 AM  
4 votes:
What a ferocious Russian Blue might look like:

3.bp.blogspot.com

awwww
2014-07-08 02:07:17 PM  
3 votes:
photos1.blogger.com
2014-07-08 08:12:40 AM  
3 votes:

Ambivalence: If your cat doesn't like having its belly rubbed, don't do that.


Some of them love to trick you into doing it by rolling over and begging for it, only to spring the claw trap on you when you try!

s3.amazonaws.com
2014-07-08 08:05:16 AM  
3 votes:

powhound: I don't understand this. It's a cat. What's next, being terrorized by gerbils?


www.quickmeme.com
2014-07-08 09:28:35 AM  
2 votes:

forgotmydamnusername: LowbrowDeluxe: powhound: I don't understand this. It's a cat. What's next, being terrorized by gerbils?

All I can say is, try it sometime.  My ex-wife had a feral rescue that was fine for years, then got knocked up (I know, I know).  Soon as she had the kittens she reverted to feral hard.  Cats are no joke when they're seriously willing to fark you up but you don't want to do the same.

There's your problem. I no longer have the hand speed to knock a hostile animal into next week without getting the shiat bit out of me, but I do have a .44 magnum that will blow a cat in half. No reason why I should put up with that bullshiat from a cat, or from anything else, really. Neither should you.


Rocco?

cdn.ebaumsworld.com
2014-07-08 05:01:00 AM  
2 votes:

jekxrb: [1.bp.blogspot.com image 500x375]


That;'s hilarious.

I don't know why - that cat looks nothing like Jack Nicholson.
2014-07-08 04:56:03 AM  
2 votes:

tjsands1118: I have a 105lb giant schnauzer mutt, if he ever turned on me I could have a real problem, I'm not worried about that as he's slightly less vicious then a butterfly. But the biggest domestic cat I've ever encountered was probably around 30lbs and that was mostly fat, I just can't see being bullied by something the size of a cat. I know they can scratch pretty good and sometime bite, but anything that isn't venomous that can be flung with one hand doesn't really seem that dangerous.


I'd hate like hell to face your dog in an agitated state.  But can your dog jump 10-15 times the length of its own body from a standing-still position?  Can it maneuver so quickly that it can catch a darting squirrel on the run, or sneak up on a bird and kill it with one bite to the neck before the bird even knows there's danger in the vicinity?  Does your dog have claws as sharp as any knife in your kitchen, and teeth to match the claws?  Can your dog move so fast that you can't even lay a hand on it, much less catch it and - lol - "fling it with one hand"?

Big strong dogs present serious dangers when provoked.  But remember Yoda's lesson - size matters not, not when you're dealing with an animal with all the above abilities.  A pissed-off fighting cat will fark you up big-time, and anyone who doubts that has never met one.  This thread will be full of such falsely confident people, and I sincerely hope they never have the personal experience to prove them wrong.  Can it kill you?  Probably not.  But it'll cause real carnage, and more than likely get away afterwards.

terrymalloyspigeoncoop.files.wordpress.com
2014-07-08 02:30:05 AM  
2 votes:

ecmoRandomNumbers: MaudlinMutantMollusk: My cats don't want me to leave for work in the morning

/of course, since I lost my job today they don't need to worry anymore
//well... except maybe about eating

Eh. If it gets bad enough, one of the cats will prevail. Then you'll have the stronger, meatier cat for when shiat gets real.


Or a few stronger, meatier cats and he'll never have to worry about working again.
2014-07-08 12:47:51 AM  
2 votes:
My cats don't want me to leave for work in the morning

/of course, since I lost my job today they don't need to worry anymore
//well... except maybe about eating
2014-07-08 10:03:24 PM  
1 votes:

Seraphym: forgotmydamnusername: LowbrowDeluxe: powhound: I don't understand this. It's a cat. What's next, being terrorized by gerbils?

All I can say is, try it sometime.  My ex-wife had a feral rescue that was fine for years, then got knocked up (I know, I know).  Soon as she had the kittens she reverted to feral hard.  Cats are no joke when they're seriously willing to fark you up but you don't want to do the same.

There's your problem. I no longer have the hand speed to knock a hostile animal into next week without getting the shiat bit out of me, but I do have a .44 magnum that will blow a cat in half. No reason why I should put up with that bullshiat from a cat, or from anything else, really. Neither should you.

Rocco?

[cdn.ebaumsworld.com image 473x200]


So the question you have to ask yourself is, 'do I feel lucky?'  Well, do you, Tiddles?
2014-07-08 02:29:20 PM  
1 votes:

Seraphym: forgotmydamnusername: LowbrowDeluxe: powhound: I don't understand this. It's a cat. What's next, being terrorized by gerbils?

All I can say is, try it sometime.  My ex-wife had a feral rescue that was fine for years, then got knocked up (I know, I know).  Soon as she had the kittens she reverted to feral hard.  Cats are no joke when they're seriously willing to fark you up but you don't want to do the same.

There's your problem. I no longer have the hand speed to knock a hostile animal into next week without getting the shiat bit out of me, but I do have a .44 magnum that will blow a cat in half. No reason why I should put up with that bullshiat from a cat, or from anything else, really. Neither should you.

Rocco?

[cdn.ebaumsworld.com image 473x200]


TELL ME THE NAME OF THAT F*CKING CAT AND I SWEAR TO CHRIST I WILL KILL MYSELF!

dpaul007: mike_d85: This thread is hilarious.
"Cats are viscous and you are helpless against them!"
"Cats are tiny! Me smash cat!"

I love picturing a cat-shaped blob on the floor, slithering towards its next victim.

Oh, and cats can be vicious, too.

/tmyk


Well... they did argue that they were agile and impossible to hold.
2014-07-08 11:45:54 AM  
1 votes:

forgotmydamnusername: LowbrowDeluxe: powhound: I don't understand this. It's a cat. What's next, being terrorized by gerbils?

All I can say is, try it sometime.  My ex-wife had a feral rescue that was fine for years, then got knocked up (I know, I know).  Soon as she had the kittens she reverted to feral hard.  Cats are no joke when they're seriously willing to fark you up but you don't want to do the same.

There's your problem. I no longer have the hand speed to knock a hostile animal into next week without getting the shiat bit out of me, but I do have a .44 magnum that will blow a cat in half. No reason why I should put up with that bullshiat from a cat, or from anything else, really. Neither should you.


This is the first, and hopefully last, time I hear someone claim they need a handgun for protection from house cats. You gun nuts are out of control.

Seriously speaking, if you cat goes on some kind of rampage and you decide that's a good reason to pull out a .44, you should not be allowed to own a gun ever again.
2014-07-08 11:44:36 AM  
1 votes:
24.media.tumblr.com
2014-07-08 11:23:45 AM  
1 votes:
Pinky. Huge credit to the manly man who does not turn the cat into puree.

At a party once we were laughing at a smallish cat who was chasing a moth around the living room. He went up on the couch and it was adorable. So picture 20 or so relatively drunk people standing in a semi-circle laughing at this cat.

Suddenly the cat notices. He puffs up, turns around to face us, and starts that low growling and snarling noise. He stalks toward the crowd with his whole body stiff and his eyes, my god his eyes, burning with hatred.

You could have heard a pin drop. Everyone suddenly became as still as marble statues. We were terrified just by the vicious aura that cat was putting out.

The cat was apparently satisfied with his victory and sat down to clean his nether parts and we laughed nervously and migrated to the garage area.

CSB?
2014-07-08 10:19:26 AM  
1 votes:

LowbrowDeluxe: powhound: I don't understand this. It's a cat. What's next, being terrorized by gerbils?

All I can say is, try it sometime.  My ex-wife had a feral rescue that was fine for years, then got knocked up (I know, I know).  Soon as she had the kittens she reverted to feral hard.  Cats are no joke when they're seriously willing to fark you up but you don't want to do the same.


I am dealing with a feral that decided to have her kittens in my back yard. She told me her name was Hisss! and I believe her. She attacked my house cat when he got out at night and sent him to the vet for a clip and clean and some antibiotics and then I actually had to pick up a semi-feral (long time stray/abandoned cat I've named Earl) to save him from her as well. Earl is in quarantine in my bathroom right now and going to the vet later today. He was so relieved to be away from that horrible biatch cat he's decided to go back into housecat mode.

It is just unreal how aggressive Hisss! is, probably because she's in mommy mode. She has tried to chase me out of my own yard, then shows up at the back door demanding protection kibble food - by hissing and growling and looking sad. I have no idea what I'm going to do about her and her babies, but man, I can hardly wait until I figure it out and get them GONE to good and patient homes. Then I'll be able to sit on my back patio again without having to worry about having my face chewed off by a ticked off cat.

Her babies are super cute, btw. Anyone want a kitten? Please?
2014-07-08 09:53:45 AM  
1 votes:

Literally Addicted: mike_d85: "Cats are viscous and you are helpless against them!"

Cats are vicious.  Molasses is viscous.


Well, I'm pretty sure that with the right, uh, processing, and at the right temperature, cats can be viscous too.  Like most mammals.
2014-07-08 09:47:14 AM  
1 votes:

RobSeace: Ambivalence: If your cat doesn't like having its belly rubbed, don't do that.

Some of them love to trick you into doing it by rolling over and begging for it, only to spring the claw trap on you when you try!


My cat does this. We call it the muffin belly trap and to this day we still fall for it.
2014-07-08 09:47:07 AM  
1 votes:
You just had your human card revoked.  Get back down the food chain!
2014-07-08 09:32:35 AM  
1 votes:

Seraphym: Rocco?

[cdn.ebaumsworld.com image 473x200]


That was my favourite scene in that movie.

/don't hate cats
//it was funny as hell
///because I was told slashies come in threes
2014-07-08 09:31:26 AM  
1 votes:

mike_d85: "Cats are viscous and you are helpless against them!"


Cats are vicious.  Molasses is viscous.
2014-07-08 08:52:46 AM  
1 votes:
Way don't you kick snow on a feral cat and see how you handle it when he goes 6 feet vertical and starts humping your FACE


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-oVhu2fu20&feature=kp
2014-07-08 08:45:05 AM  
1 votes:
This from the state where people call 911 when McDonald's runs out of chicken McNuggets.
2014-07-08 08:33:19 AM  
1 votes:

Kibbler: LowbrowDeluxe: powhound: I don't understand this. It's a cat. What's next, being terrorized by gerbils?

All I can say is, try it sometime.  My ex-wife had a feral rescue that was fine for years, then got knocked up (I know, I know).  Soon as she had the kittens she reverted to feral hard.  Cats are no joke when they're seriously willing to fark you up but you don't want to do the same.

Meh. I have a cat that's gone feral on occasion. Screaming, hissing, biting, clawing. Cats can't kill you. You get bitten and scratched. Once you get over instinctual fear you can deal with it.


When I was younger, I had a cat that would do this pretty regularly, (and I swear to God he was NEVER mistreated) and one day while I was just walking past him he just hooked me right in the calf with one of his claws and it hurt badly, and I just lost it.  I tried to kill him.  I tried very hard.  He must've got the message that time because after that he never ever did it again.

/Still have a cool half-moon scar on my left calf.  The cat lived to be 18 Y.O. (mostly because he chose to cut out the arbitrary attacks.)
2014-07-08 08:09:25 AM  
1 votes:
Heeeeere's Fluffy!
1.bp.blogspot.com
2014-07-08 07:39:15 AM  
1 votes:
cdn01.cdn.justjared.com

Ladies and gentlemen, most of the cat wrangling gear you will ever need. I would suggest chaps to protect your legs too. Denim is not enough.
2014-07-08 06:53:47 AM  
1 votes:

Ambivalence: Grab the scruff with one hand, grab the hind legs with the other hand, hold all claw and teeth bits away from you and throw it in a room until it can calm the fark down.  Yes you'll probably get scratched and/or bit before you can get that first hold, but you can't let the cat intimidate you.

The key, is to be mindful of your cat's body language before it ever gets to that point.  Know when your cat is unhappy and wants to be left alone and then leave it alone.  Make sure escape routes for your cat are not blocked and that it's not cornered.  Also make sure ambush points ARE blocked (if the cat is ambushing you). Most cats won't fight unless they feel they have no choice.  Take the time to find out what the trigger for your cat's agression is (another cat, a dog, a child, you, etc) and either remove the trigger or find the cat a new home where the trigger doesn't exist.  If the cat doesn't like being nudged with your foot when it's in the middle of the hallway, don't do that.  If your cat doesn't like having its belly rubbed, don't do that.  If other pets are nagging the cat, separate them.  Don't escalate.


Cats don't always have a reason when they attack. I have had cats my whole life. The bastard that I have now is the only one I've ever had an issue with. He tore into my arm last night when I was sitting and watching tv. Nobody had been provoking him (we know better) and he sneaked up behind me and attacked. By the time he let go, I was bleeding in about 10 places from various bites and scratches. He walked about 4 feet away and laid down, just watching me.

I am going to feed him to the dogs one day. Soon.
2014-07-08 06:15:08 AM  
1 votes:
This thread is hilarious.
"Cats are viscous and you are helpless against them!"
"Cats are tiny! Me smash cat!"
2014-07-08 06:11:22 AM  
1 votes:
Don't cal 911 over a cat problem.
Call a Chinese Buffet. They know how to handle and prepare cats.
2014-07-08 06:09:59 AM  
1 votes:

karmachameleon: gfid: That said, I've seen cats in batshiat crazy mode. It's different than play-fighting. It's a farking cat - probably weighs less than 15 pounds - pick it up and take a few scratches and control it.

It's so obvious which of you are not cat owners.  What, you think it sits there and just swats its claws while you can reach around the back and merely pick it up while taking a few scratches?  lol...if a cat doesn't want to be picked up, believe me, you're not picking it up.  It's not a matter of being scratched, it's a matter of you being much slower and less agile than the cat.


Any reason why you can't arm yourself with a broom or something, and chase the cat into another room? Then you wouldn't end up being the prisoner in your own home, as well as being laughed at by everyone when you call 911. Hell, just starting the vacuum cleaner is usually enough to have a cat flee at the speed of light.
2014-07-08 06:01:17 AM  
1 votes:

ReverendJasen: LowbrowDeluxe: Cats are no joke when they're seriously willing to fark you up but you don't want to do the same.

Ah, that's where the disconnect is.  If a cat is attacking me, I'm not worried about farking it up right back.  It will learn who the bigger mammal is.


Oh sure, you can kill it, and it stands almost no chance of killing you first.  But you will take damage in the process, and I guarantee you won't be telling jokes or underestimating any more cats when you're licking your wounds.
2014-07-08 05:50:01 AM  
1 votes:

gfid: I'm a firm believer in the theory that if you treat an animal well it won't go batshiat crazy.


As a general rule I would agree with you. But then again there are humans that you can treat well AND try to reason with who are still batshiat crazy. Why would an animal be any different if not worse? After all, you can't reason with an animal, especially when it's main goal is to claw your eyes out.
2014-07-08 05:33:36 AM  
1 votes:
"The owners said the cat has never had any shots or vaccinations."

Too bad, looks like we'll have to put the owners to sleep.
2014-07-08 05:17:59 AM  
1 votes:

LowbrowDeluxe: Cats are no joke when they're seriously willing to fark you up but you don't want to do the same.


Ah, that's where the disconnect is.  If a cat is attacking me, I'm not worried about farking it up right back.  It will learn who the bigger mammal is.
2014-07-08 05:13:56 AM  
1 votes:

karmachameleon: tjsands1118: I have a 105lb giant schnauzer mutt, if he ever turned on me I could have a real problem, I'm not worried about that as he's slightly less vicious then a butterfly. But the biggest domestic cat I've ever encountered was probably around 30lbs and that was mostly fat, I just can't see being bullied by something the size of a cat. I know they can scratch pretty good and sometime bite, but anything that isn't venomous that can be flung with one hand doesn't really seem that dangerous.

I'd hate like hell to face your dog in an agitated state.  But can your dog jump 10-15 times the length of its own body from a standing-still position?  Can it maneuver so quickly that it can catch a darting squirrel on the run, or sneak up on a bird and kill it with one bite to the neck before the bird even knows there's danger in the vicinity?  Does your dog have claws as sharp as any knife in your kitchen, and teeth to match the claws?  Can your dog move so fast that you can't even lay a hand on it, much less catch it and - lol - "fling it with one hand"?

Big strong dogs present serious dangers when provoked.  But remember Yoda's lesson - size matters not, not when you're dealing with an animal with all the above abilities.  A pissed-off fighting cat will fark you up big-time, and anyone who doubts that has never met one.  This thread will be full of such falsely confident people, and I sincerely hope they never have the personal experience to prove them wrong.  Can it kill you?  Probably not.  But it'll cause real carnage, and more than likely get away afterwards.

[terrymalloyspigeoncoop.files.wordpress.com image 470x297]


Well he can jump high enough to reach my face from a seated start, I'm 6'3" by the way. He's catch two squirrels so far and probably a lot more if I hadn't stopped him, he hasn't catch a bird though he doesn't really try be he does know how to hide and wouldn't need to bite the neck as his mouth is bigger enough to eat most birds in one bite, also he has 3cm long canine teeth, which I've hit on accident a few times and drawn blood (he has never actually bitten me) And for a dog with a partially torn ACL he still moves pretty fast when he wants to.

fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net
2014-07-08 05:09:28 AM  
1 votes:

karmachameleon: Is this the thread where I can watch people who have never been in a closed room with a batshiat crazy cat in full fighting mode tell us all about how they vastly underestimate the amount of damage a cat can cause, and how hard it can be to stop a cat when it's in such a state?

gfid: Also if you come out of a fight with a cat with more than a few superficial scratches your cat either has super powers or you are an idiot.

Yup, it sure is!


I'm a firm believer in the theory that if you treat an animal well it won't go batshiat crazy.  That said, I've seen cats in batshiat crazy mode.  It's different than play-fighting.  It's a farking cat - probably weighs less than 15 pounds - pick it up and take a few scratches and control it.  I don't even know why there was a picture in that article.  I've gotten worse scratches trimming roses.

Treat your cats right, people.  All they want is a little food and a place to piss and shiat another a place to lie down.  If you get in fights with your cat at least one of you is psychotic and I'd place bets on it being the human who is psychotic.
2014-07-08 04:53:44 AM  
1 votes:
Had one more thought, it being Florida, can you use the stand your ground law to kill "attacking animals'? Or it's that still the it's coming right for us law?
2014-07-08 04:47:15 AM  
1 votes:

tjsands1118: I have a 105lb giant schnauzer mutt, if he ever turned on me I could have a real problem, I'm not worried about that as he's slightly less vicious then a butterfly. But the biggest domestic cat I've ever encountered was probably around 30lbs and that was mostly fat, I just can't see being bullied by something the size of a cat. I know they can scratch pretty good and sometime bite, but anything that isn't venomous that can be flung with one hand doesn't really seem that dangerous.

/I find it funny how many pet cats are mean as shiat, biting and scratching people, and people just shrug it off "oh it's just being temperamental", but if a dog even accidentally bites a person while playing, it's "a vicious animal that needs to be put down".


That's a good point.  It's normal for cats, it's dangerous if a dog does it.

One of my friends used to have a cat that was called psycho-kitty.  If you went over to his place and sat on his couch, psycho-kitty would attack you.  It was expected, and I think psycho-kitty loved it.  You try to touch him - he swipes his paw at you and tries to draw blood.

If a dog did that, it would probably be put down as a dangerous animal.
2014-07-08 04:41:04 AM  
1 votes:

Lsherm: I've been to the hospital twice after two attacks by the same cat (once for cellulitis, once for stitches) but even at his absolute worst he never made me cower in a room and call the cops.  WTF are these people doing wrong?

I think meth.  These people must smell like meth, and it really pisses the cats off.  Or something else equally offensive to their reptilian brain.  When a normal cat feels threatened by an animal much larger than itself, or two, it attacks until it can get away, and then it runs. Maybe the cat keeps smelling something it can't get away from.  It doesn't sound like a predatory attack, it sounds like the cat was trying to defend itself from something.  From what?

Or rabies, but that big ass cat from a few months ago didn't have rabies, did it?  Something these people did made that cat think trying to kill them, however fruitless an endeavor, was preferable to running away.


I inherited a cat when my mom died and that cat absolutely hated all men (so me). I happen to like cats and had had a couple of them before that so I know how to treat them nicely and not spook them. It didn't work with this cat, it just didn't like men. She wouldn't run either. I had to get rid of it after it wouldn't stop clawing at me for no apparent reason, even when I was putting out the food (and it was her favorite food when my mom had her). Some cats are just batshiat insane over dumb things that are not offensive to most other cats.
2014-07-08 04:34:40 AM  
1 votes:
I have a 105lb giant schnauzer mutt, if he ever turned on me I could have a real problem, I'm not worried about that as he's slightly less vicious then a butterfly. But the biggest domestic cat I've ever encountered was probably around 30lbs and that was mostly fat, I just can't see being bullied by something the size of a cat. I know they can scratch pretty good and sometime bite, but anything that isn't venomous that can be flung with one hand doesn't really seem that dangerous.

/I find it funny how many pet cats are mean as shiat, biting and scratching people, and people just shrug it off "oh it's just being temperamental", but if a dog even accidentally bites a person while playing, it's "a vicious animal that needs to be put down".
2014-07-08 04:21:33 AM  
1 votes:
I don't understand this. It's a cat. What's next, being terrorized by gerbils?
 
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