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(Mother Jones)   Just in time for the meat searing, flesh burning BBQ waifing smell of the neighborhood drenched in meat weekend, a few veggie burgers that don't suck and are easy to make   (motherjones.com) divider line 102
    More: Spiffy, shmeat, Mark Bittman, horn-rimmed glasses, sheet pan  
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2176 clicks; posted to Main » on 04 Jul 2014 at 10:28 AM (23 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-07-04 08:36:34 AM  
'Easy to make' is a quantitative assessment: if they require few materials and/or little time, they are easy.

'Don't suck' is a qualitative statement: it implies that such a thing is possible. When clearly, it is not.

You might be able to cram together a veggie burger that doesn't make me want to spit it out on the spot, but who cares? Any asshole can fake a burger. Burgers are weak.

Pulled pork eastern-NC BBQ is where it's at. And you will *never* be able to get anywhere close to faking THAT with veggies.
 
2014-07-04 08:50:48 AM  
No
 
2014-07-04 10:11:55 AM  

mysticcat: No


Just no.
 
2014-07-04 10:26:28 AM  

whistleridge: 'Easy to make' is a quantitative assessment: if they require few materials and/or little time, they are easy.

'Don't suck' is a qualitative statement: it implies that such a thing is possible. When clearly, it is not.

You might be able to cram together a veggie burger that doesn't make me want to spit it out on the spot, but who cares? Any asshole can fake a burger. Burgers are weak.

Pulled pork eastern-NC BBQ is where it's at. And you will *never* be able to get anywhere close to faking THAT with veggies.


I'm asked every year to come down to eastern-NC at the in-laws family farm BBQ to do the pig (usually a 150lber)because of my smoking BBQ skills. The only thing I demand are the cheeks.

Pro tip: Peel a bunch of potatoes like big steak fries and roast them under the pig with drippings. Pure Heaven

/from Jersey
//vinegar is the only way to go
 
2014-07-04 10:30:01 AM  
Nyet.
 
2014-07-04 10:31:52 AM  

AlwaysRightBoy: whistleridge: 'Easy to make' is a quantitative assessment: if they require few materials and/or little time, they are easy.

'Don't suck' is a qualitative statement: it implies that such a thing is possible. When clearly, it is not.

You might be able to cram together a veggie burger that doesn't make me want to spit it out on the spot, but who cares? Any asshole can fake a burger. Burgers are weak.

Pulled pork eastern-NC BBQ is where it's at. And you will *never* be able to get anywhere close to faking THAT with veggies.

I'm asked every year to come down to eastern-NC at the in-laws family farm BBQ to do the pig (usually a 150lber)because of my smoking BBQ skills. The only thing I demand are the cheeks.

Pro tip: Peel a bunch of potatoes like big steak fries and roast them under the pig with drippings. Pure Heaven

/from Jersey
//vinegar is the only way to go


You sound fat
 
2014-07-04 10:32:19 AM  
How about no?
 
2014-07-04 10:32:56 AM  

1nsanilicious: You sound fat


catmacros.files.wordpress.com
 
2014-07-04 10:34:55 AM  
Veggie Burgers? You're doing it wrong.

Eat meat or learn to cook.

img2.wikia.nocookie.net
 
2014-07-04 10:35:07 AM  
Also, as a side note, never ask a skinny person what the best place to eat in town is. Always ask a fatty. After all, as much as fatties like to eat, they're not about to stoop to eating crap.
 
2014-07-04 10:36:30 AM  
This may be possible but its also possible to slam your dick in a car door. Why?
 
2014-07-04 10:37:13 AM  

whistleridge: 'Easy to make' is a quantitative assessment: if they require few materials and/or little time, they are easy.

'Don't suck' is a qualitative statement: it implies that such a thing is possible. When clearly, it is not.

You might be able to cram together a veggie burger that doesn't make me want to spit it out on the spot, but who cares? Any asshole can fake a burger. Burgers are weak.

Pulled pork eastern-NC BBQ is where it's at. And you will *never* be able to get anywhere close to faking THAT with veggies.


If it ain't KC style BBQ it's crap but any kind of bbq meat is better then a veggie burger. If your grilling one today you should be shot in the street like the swine you are.
 
2014-07-04 10:39:57 AM  
Number one, burgers are not barbecue.  You might be able to top them with barbecue sauce, but they just aren't barbecue.

Number two, given the farking deluge we've been having, I'm guessing there won't be much smell in the neighborhood, and that's sad.

Number three, veggie burgers, like tofu turkey and other abominations, are dumb.  You don't want meat, but you want to fit in, desperately enough to eat food that even Beano can't help. Eat salads, chips, grill veggies, whatever.  But don't lie to us and say you don't want to eat a burger when you're eating something that looks just like a burger.
 
2014-07-04 10:41:15 AM  
oi61.tinypic.com
 
2014-07-04 10:42:22 AM  
I've made some veggy burgers that didn't suck, but they took a lot more prep time, and had to be heavily spiced, then slathered in mayo and ketchup to make them palatable.  Zero healthy net gain.

This morning I bought a steak, it will get salt and pepper and go on a hot grill, turning occasionally for a few minutes.
 
2014-07-04 10:45:24 AM  

Ker_Thwap: I've made some veggy burgers that didn't suck, but they took a lot more prep time, and had to be heavily spiced, then slathered in mayo and ketchup to make them palatable.  Zero healthy net gain.

This morning I bought a steak, it will get salt and pepper and go on a hot grill, turning occasionally for a few minutes.


Good steak doesn't even need to be cooked.
 
2014-07-04 10:46:18 AM  
www.halfwayanywhere.com
 
2014-07-04 10:46:22 AM  
ITT: brave bold meat eaters shiatting on other people's dietary choices because they're better than you.
 
2014-07-04 10:46:50 AM  

whistleridge: 'Easy to make' is a quantitative assessment: if they require few materials and/or little time, they are easy.

'Don't suck' is a qualitative statement: it implies that such a thing is possible. When clearly, it is not.

You might be able to cram together a veggie burger that doesn't make me want to spit it out on the spot, but who cares? Any asshole can fake a burger. Burgers are weak.

Pulled pork eastern-NC BBQ is where it's at. And you will *never* be able to get anywhere close to faking THAT with veggies.


The above is much funnier if read in the voice of "Parks and Recreation" character Ron Swanson.
 
2014-07-04 10:47:52 AM  

Ker_Thwap: I've made some veggy burgers that didn't suck, but they took a lot more prep time, and had to be heavily spiced, then slathered in mayo and ketchup to make them palatable.  Zero healthy net gain.

This morning I bought a steak, it will get salt and pepper and go on a hot grill, turning occasionally for a few minutes.


Don't be scared to add a dab of canola oil before you salt and pepper the shiat out of that steak.
 
2014-07-04 10:49:05 AM  
This is all the thread needs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aw9QzjtyI8A
 
2014-07-04 10:49:51 AM  

Superjew: ITT: brave bold meat eaters shiatting on other people's dietary choices because they're better than you.


I don't have a problem if your not a meat eater but don't be the guy faking a burger. Ethnic vegan dishes are great because they are not faking meat. If your trying to copy meat your going to fail.
 
2014-07-04 10:50:31 AM  
I made black bean burgers that were actually quite good. Unfortunately I don't remember exactly how, and have never been able to recreate. Still trying though.
 
2014-07-04 10:50:45 AM  
www.troll.me
 
2014-07-04 10:51:29 AM  

Superjew: ITT: brave bold meat eaters shiatting on other people's dietary choices because they're better than you.


If you don't want to eat meat, that's cool with me. But don't make fake burgers or sausage or whatever and then be all hey guys this is just as good! Because it isn't. I used to have some vegan roommates who were super chill about it, but their claims that I wouldn't be able to tell the difference were still filthy lies.
 
2014-07-04 10:53:39 AM  
I like vegetables, but they are side dishes. They go next to the meat. They are not going to make me believe they are the meat.

/grilling is not barbecuing
//now I'm hungry
///slashies are not food
 
2014-07-04 10:55:02 AM  

Land_of_the_Magic_Dragon:  If your trying to copy meat your going to fail.


My what now?
 
2014-07-04 10:55:16 AM  

1nsanilicious: AlwaysRightBoy: whistleridge: 'Easy to make' is a quantitative assessment: if they require few materials and/or little time, they are easy.

'Don't suck' is a qualitative statement: it implies that such a thing is possible. When clearly, it is not.

You might be able to cram together a veggie burger that doesn't make me want to spit it out on the spot, but who cares? Any asshole can fake a burger. Burgers are weak.

Pulled pork eastern-NC BBQ is where it's at. And you will *never* be able to get anywhere close to faking THAT with veggies.

I'm asked every year to come down to eastern-NC at the in-laws family farm BBQ to do the pig (usually a 150lber)because of my smoking BBQ skills. The only thing I demand are the cheeks.

Pro tip: Peel a bunch of potatoes like big steak fries and roast them under the pig with drippings. Pure Heaven

/from Jersey
//vinegar is the only way to go

You sound fat


Rather svelte at 170lbs 5 ft 9in.
 
2014-07-04 10:57:26 AM  

Kit Fister: Also, as a side note, never ask a skinny person what the best place to eat in town is. Always ask a fatty. After all, as much as fatties like to eat, they're not about to stoop to eating crap.


You kidding me? I'm 6'4" 180 and I LOVE to eat. Us skinny people just know how to not eat crap.
 
2014-07-04 10:59:33 AM  
It's Independence Day!  We should be eating good old-fashioned American food, like hamburgers and frankfurters!

/And Freedom Fries!
 
2014-07-04 11:00:29 AM  

cameroncrazy1984: Kit Fister: Also, as a side note, never ask a skinny person what the best place to eat in town is. Always ask a fatty. After all, as much as fatties like to eat, they're not about to stoop to eating crap.

You kidding me? I'm 6'4" 180 and I LOVE to eat. Us skinny people just know how to not eat crap.


You sound young.  I used to be able to eat.

/I sound old, I know.
 
2014-07-04 11:00:41 AM  
Bah.  The all seem like they would be reasonably good sandwiches but they are not burgers.  A burger has beef with lots of juicy fat dripping from it.  The wife and I have a recipe we love.  She uses regular old ground beef, molds the burger with a piece of either sharp cheddar or pepperjack in the center of the burger, then she makes fresh teriyaki sauce.  I barbeque the burger over a combination of lump charcoal (hickory) and a few pieces of apple wood while periodically brushing on the teriyaki sauce and/or flipping.  Unlike most people that cook burgers don't rush it.  They get cooked for around 30 minutes at a low temp.  The meat takes on a dark cherry color.  They taste best on a plain bun with nothing more than a piece of lettuce.  Mustard, ketchup, etc ruin the flavor.  Folks have been known to ejaculate in their pants after the first bite.

On another subject, why on Earth are they called "ham"burgers?  I have never seen one made of ham. What is up with that?
 
2014-07-04 11:01:51 AM  

Superjew: ITT: brave bold meat eaters shiatting on other people's dietary choices because they're better than you.


Yes, and?
 
2014-07-04 11:03:04 AM  
btw the applewood has to be soaked in water beforehand.  You don't want it to burn right away, just smoke a lot.

One of these days I am going to try adding fried onions to the top of the burger.
 
2014-07-04 11:05:20 AM  
fark you Mother Jones
 
2014-07-04 11:10:38 AM  
Heading to South Carolina next week. You local Farkers...what specifically should we be eating there? That has meat & BBQ in the description please.
 
2014-07-04 11:11:57 AM  

nulluspixiusdemonica: Land_of_the_Magic_Dragon:  If your trying to copy meat your going to fail.

My what now?


Be it tofu dogs or morning star nobody's product replicates meat. They always fail. So quit trying. Embrace the veggies but don't fake it.
 
2014-07-04 11:14:12 AM  

Superjew: ITT: brave bold meat eaters shiatting on other people's dietary choices because they're better than you.


oi57.tinypic.com
 
2014-07-04 11:16:08 AM  

Superjew: ITT: brave bold meat eaters shiatting on other people's dietary choices because they're better than you.


I'm not.  You want to skip meat? Fine.  More for me.  But pretending to eat meat to be less socially awkward about your choice means you're completely not at peace with said choice.
 
2014-07-04 11:16:59 AM  
Is this the thread where we get mad at people for liking things we don't like?
 
2014-07-04 11:17:33 AM  
I am a carnivore (these canines are NOT for the meat of a tomato) but I love mushrooms, I'm willing to try out the mushroom burger

/ok, I'm an omnivore, I love dipping tomato and green pepper slices in buttermilk ranch dressing and adore fresh spinach sauteed ever so slightly in olive oil
 
2014-07-04 11:18:15 AM  

miniflea: Superjew: ITT: brave bold meat eaters shiatting on other people's dietary choices because they're better than you.

If you don't want to eat meat, that's cool with me. But don't make fake burgers or sausage or whatever and then be all hey guys this is just as good! Because it isn't. I used to have some vegan roommates who were super chill about it, but their claims that I wouldn't be able to tell the difference were still filthy lies.


Exactly.  Work with the vegetables, not against them.  Don't chop up a lovely portabello mushrooom to make some kind of fake patty.  Brush it with some garlic infused olive oil and grill it whole.  Make it the centerpiece of the sandwich, not a mere ingredient.

Stick a cast iron skillet on the cool side of the grill and fry up some vidalia onions ahead of time, then keep them warm.  Everyone will use them as toppings.

Roast red bell peppers ahead of time and cut them into slabs for another topping.

Worried about the vegetarians not getting enough protein?  Don't try to make fake patties with protein.  Make up a batch of hummus then divide into 2-3 parts and flavor each differently.  Serve with pita, homemade grilled flatbread, and/or cut up vegetables. (Or jeez, just ask them what kind of high protein snack they like and make that, or they'll even offer to bring it.)

An outdoor barbeque is supposed to be a social food party.  Make good, simple, food that shows itself off.  Don't break a sweat making fakeburgers.
 
2014-07-04 11:18:57 AM  

Land_of_the_Magic_Dragon: Superjew: ITT: brave bold meat eaters shiatting on other people's dietary choices because they're better than you.

I don't have a problem if your not a meat eater but don't be the guy faking a burger. Ethnic vegan dishes are great because they are not faking meat. If your trying to copy meat your going to fail.


So much this.

I like veggies cooked as veggies. I could eat grilled squash all day. Little bit of salt and olive oil.

That said. You can't bbq veggie burgers. Haven't we gone over grilling vs bbq before?
 
2014-07-04 11:19:40 AM  
i.imgur.com
 
2014-07-04 11:27:28 AM  

cameroncrazy1984: Kit Fister: Also, as a side note, never ask a skinny person what the best place to eat in town is. Always ask a fatty. After all, as much as fatties like to eat, they're not about to stoop to eating crap.

You kidding me? I'm 6'4" 180 and I LOVE to eat. Us skinny people just know how to not eat crap.


172, 6'2"  Fark must have put the "I'm Angry I'm a Vegan Mod" on holiday duty ..

PS - never trust a vegetarian. They may stab you in the neck while you sleep because of your 'food politics' ..
 
2014-07-04 11:28:32 AM  

LoneCraneFullMoon: Is this the thread where we get mad at people for liking things we don't like?


No this is the thread were we point out how much vegans/vegetarians have to lie to themselves and others about how good their food tastes. It's awful,they know it's awful, they just think that if they keep saying "yeah it taste great" it will somehow become true. Yet every vegan/vegetarians I know that uses fake meat is always trying new brands and recipes, for it, which leads me to believe they haven't actually found one that lives up to the good things they say about it.

It always annoys me at how many vegan/vegetarians I meet that don't know how to cook, they eat proceeded meatless junk foods and raw veggies. There is thousands of great vegetable dishes out there that don't use meat. Like tofu, I love tofu, but only when it's treated like tofu, not when idiot vegetarians try to make it taste like meat. It's not meat it's tofu.

/I would eat age-dashi tofu everyday if I could.
//yes I know it's has fish broth, that's what makes it take so good.
 
2014-07-04 11:32:29 AM  

ShutYerBeak: Heading to South Carolina next week. You local Farkers...what specifically should we be eating there? That has meat & BBQ in the description please.


As someone that recently moved to NC and has had both kinds of barbecue here, as well as SC (and also every other kind, but that doesn't apply here) trust me when I tell you: ignore what these idiots are saying. NC barbecue is all garbage. Some things in life aren't sure but I'm like 35/35 on this. Just run away from any place that sells NC barbecue. SC barbecue you cannot go wrong with, so do it. I hear the racist place there was just a thread on, Maurices Piggy Park, is good.
 
2014-07-04 11:32:58 AM  

Kit Fister: Also, as a side note, never ask a skinny person what the best place to eat in town is. Always ask a fatty. After all, as much as fatties like to eat, they're not about to stoop to eating crap.


Never trust a skinny cook.
 
2014-07-04 11:33:59 AM  
Veggie burgers suck.

Also, I think subby meant 'wafting.'  Pretty sure 'waifing' isn't a word, unless you are making homeless child bbq.
 
2014-07-04 11:39:02 AM  

flondrix: Kit Fister: Also, as a side note, never ask a skinny person what the best place to eat in town is. Always ask a fatty. After all, as much as fatties like to eat, they're not about to stoop to eating crap.

Never trust a skinny cook.


Or a white pit master. A pit master should be an elderly black man.
 
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