Do you have adblock enabled?
 
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Time)   Successful people pick lame superpowers. Yes, even more lame than Aquaman   (time.com ) divider line
    More: Stupid, Internet Explorer  
•       •       •

6706 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Jun 2014 at 10:18 AM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



218 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | » | Newest | Show all

 
2014-06-19 10:44:46 AM  

DerAppie: INeedAName: Telekinesis. It's the best of all powers. I can fly, create shields, bend light, etc.

That depends on the smallest particle you can effectively manipulate and how much energy you are able to exert by telekinesis. If you only get enough power to close the fridge from across the kitchen, you won't be stopping any bullets or bend light. Which is why everyone should take care to always be specific when wishing for a super power.

/I wish I had telekinesis.
//Your wish is my Command!
///But I can barely lift a dime with my mind!


In the movie The Specials, one of the characters had invulnerable skin. In the DVD commentary, it was pointed out that this was actually a horrible power, because it was only the skin that was invulnerable. Contemplate that for a minute.

So yeah, we're all assuming that the power comes with the necessary secondary powers, and at a sufficiently high level to be worth having.
 
2014-06-19 10:45:07 AM  

toraque: Admittedly, I wouldn't be fighting crime so much as turning into Christina Hendricks and standing naked in front of a mirror all day, but that's how it goes.


But how can you shapeshift into something you haven't seen? Also, if you want to be anatomically correct where, er, how, er how will, um, you know?
 
2014-06-19 10:45:58 AM  
I'd like the ability to caption what anyone is saying into English, regardless of their language.

/hard of hearing
//would make me a hell of a spy or diplomat
 
2014-06-19 10:46:09 AM  

MaliFinn: Those aren't superpowers, they're traits.


Bingo. If doggedness and curiosity are superpowers now the species is truly doomed.

As for bonafide superpowers I'm not sure which one to pick. The ability to eat whatever I want and lose weight comes immediately to mind, but that could prove to be a curse. And why does it have to be only one? Superman had invulnerability to everything but kryptonite, excessive strength, the ability to fly without flapping his ams, Xray vision and no need for oxygen; there are a few good ones missing but a smart superhero could find a way to compensate. And as anybody can tell you I'm a real smart feller.

OTOH I'd have no need for a superpower if a good woman's love redeemed me. Line forms here!
 
2014-06-19 10:46:24 AM  

Sin_City_Superhero: Y'all are thinking too small. Why just ONE superpower? Why not flight, invisibility, knowing the future, AND a giant cock?


www.blogcdn.com
 
2014-06-19 10:46:40 AM  

Russ1642: Headso: super intelligence is the best power because you could invent and  build technology to make all other superpowers, come on brehs think!

You'll end up caught off guard while you're monologuing.


^^  this


I'd like to have a bunch of powers obviously but...I think my top 3 would be, in no particular order:

*  Telepath/Telekinesis
*  Teleportation
*  Ability to absorb/take away people's powers and use them for myself or others


My 'main' was a Kinetics/Radiation Blast Defender in City of Heroes.  Mmmm...Siphon Speed, Speed Boost and Fulcrum Shift.  :D
 
2014-06-19 10:46:52 AM  

Amelia Earhart's Black Box: toraque: Admittedly, I wouldn't be fighting crime so much as turning into Christina Hendricks and standing naked in front of a mirror all day, but that's how it goes.

But how can you shapeshift into something you haven't seen? Also, if you want to be anatomically correct where, er, how, er how will, um, you know?


I am going to hazard a guess that he is going to keep atleast one of his original parts...
 
2014-06-19 10:48:20 AM  
I would choose Wolverine style healing. You would get the immortality with it as well as the ability to live forever. With all of the time in the world, you could accomplish whatever you set your mind to.
 
2014-06-19 10:49:27 AM  

Satanic_Hamster: Shows what you know, subby.

[i0.kym-cdn.com image 850x695]


I live in the desert, so unless he also has tornado powers, his angry sharks are useless.
 
2014-06-19 10:50:32 AM  
Invulnerability is the most double-edged of super powers.  There are times when death is definitely preferable to living.  You can easily wind up in your own little Hell of eternal suffering without release.

I'd go for teleportation.
 
2014-06-19 10:50:47 AM  

DjangoStonereaver: MaliFinn: R.A.Danny: MaliFinn: Those aren't superpowers, they're traits.

If your traits make you billions they can certainly be considered superpowers.

No.  There's nothing superhuman about having money.

[a2.ec-images.myspacecdn.com image 600x450]

"Ahem.."

[25.media.tumblr.com image 500x353]

"Just leave it, Bruce.  Martini?"


I was surprised it took that long for the challenge to be taken up.

"Where does he get all those wonderful toys?"
 
2014-06-19 10:51:06 AM  

Eskaminagaga: I would choose Wolverine style healing. You would get the immortality with it as well as the ability to live forever. With all of the time in the world, you could accomplish whatever you set your mind to.


and the probability that you will somehow become incapacitated approaches 100% (fall down a deep hole, trapped under immovable object, etc..)
 
2014-06-19 10:51:46 AM  
1.invulnerability

2. immense strength

3. flight

4. invisibility

5.  telekinesis
 
2014-06-19 10:52:26 AM  

stevetherobot: Satanic_Hamster: Shows what you know, subby.

[i0.kym-cdn.com image 850x695]

I live in the desert, so unless he also has tornado powers, his angry sharks are useless.


That would depend on the range of the lasers, wouldn't it?
 
2014-06-19 10:52:33 AM  

sleep lack: Karl Pilkington - Bullshiat man


I like Karl. His two "friends" are assholes.
 
2014-06-19 10:54:59 AM  
Everyone always picks flight, telekinesis, or invisibility.  I'd simply go with whatever super powers Jesus had.  Because Jesus was way cool.

He turned water into wine and if he wanted to he could have turned wheat into marijuana.

Plus there's that whole healing and raising the dead thing, and let's face it, that would be pretty cool too.
 
2014-06-19 10:55:08 AM  
I chose the long sought after TCP/IP Cockpunch Protocol.

"U mad brah?"
"Shoryuken!"
"What...OH GOD MY JIMMIES HAVE NEVER BEEN SO RUSTLED!"

Overnight the internet would become a better place.  The only problem would be the lack of sleep.

4.bp.blogspot.com
 
2014-06-19 10:55:17 AM  

Snarfangel: Sin_City_Superhero: Y'all are thinking too small. Why just ONE superpower? Why not flight, invisibility, knowing the future, AND a giant cock?


"My superpower is to get three more superpowers."

/If it works for djinn and their wishes, why not superpowers?


If we're truly expanding, I wish to be a clinically immortal race like a dragon or an elf (also pointy ears are hot) with shapeshifting abilities, and was a high-level wizard/cleric/mystic theurge with ALL of the spells and epic-level magical gear.

But at that point you're getting boring, better to stick with just one power and ways to abuse/stretch the fark out of that one power.
 
2014-06-19 10:56:09 AM  
Game of Thrones style "Warging".   The ability to take over the body of any other living thing.
 
2014-06-19 10:57:04 AM  
The power to score with other superheroes' wives.

/how about the power.... to move you?
 
2014-06-19 10:57:07 AM  

SirDigbyChickenCaesar: Eskaminagaga: I would choose Wolverine style healing. You would get the immortality with it as well as the ability to live forever. With all of the time in the world, you could accomplish whatever you set your mind to.

and the probability that you will somehow become incapacitated approaches 100% (fall down a deep hole, trapped under immovable object, etc..)


In your situation, I just wait for a few years for evetual rescue or try to dig my way out or something.

I remember reading a short story about someone who obtained immortality. Basically it was fun for the first million years until the planet he was on was hit by a meteor and exploded. He then drifted for billions of years in space, occasionnally falling on another planet, almost always devoid of life, until it explodes in a similar manner or a star until it goes supernova.

I am ok with the risk of that happening.
 
2014-06-19 10:57:08 AM  
www.edp24.co.uk
/Giant cock thread?
 
2014-06-19 10:57:19 AM  
I would like teleporting or Magnetos powers, that would be pretty cool to control metal like that.
 
2014-06-19 10:59:18 AM  

Snarfangel: Cheron: Sin_City_Superhero: Y'all are thinking too small. Why just ONE superpower? Why not flight, invisibility, knowing the future, AND a giant cock?

can't help you with flight, invisibility or knowledge but I can help you with the last one.  hope you have a lot of millet around.

[img.fark.net image 432x640]


That's too much cock for one man to handle.


z.hubpages.com

"Challenge... accepted!"
 
2014-06-19 10:59:45 AM  
The ability to generate a superpower at will, whenever needed.

With a caveat, though. No super-de-dooper-powers when drunk. That would cause no end of trouble.
 
2014-06-19 11:00:11 AM  

pnome: Game of Thrones style "Warging".   The ability to take over the body of any other living thing.


That is a good one, I liked the way they did it in the Denzel Washington movie Fallen.
 
2014-06-19 11:00:28 AM  

pnome: Game of Thrones style "Warging".   The ability to take over the body of any other living thing.


The shape shifting assassin is pretty bad-ass.  Glad he'll be back next season too.  He's my second favorite character next to Littlefinger.
 
2014-06-19 11:03:35 AM  

DerAppie: Telek


Having enough telekinetic power to close a fridge from across the room would make you an effective assassin. Stop a person's heart, pinch a vein and cause a stroke, or go for the classic Darth Vader force choke.
 
2014-06-19 11:04:02 AM  
Teleportation for me, but barring that I could go for the power that girl had in the new X-men movie where she essentially could make portal gun style holes in time-space.  That way anybody can come on my teleportation journeys with me.  Either way, no waiting for air travel or commuting ever again.

Power 2 would be to rewind time 30 seconds at will.  I'd rack up a crapload of legal winnings at casinos this way, best bet would be maybe try and go high roller on a few roulette wheels until I hit big.  $1000 x 35 a few times would add up.
 
2014-06-19 11:04:46 AM  
Actually, this question needs more defined terms. Are a bunch of people getting powers or just me? If 1 in 1000 people or somesuch are supers all of a sudden that's going mean a different pick than if I'm solo.
 
2014-06-19 11:06:08 AM  

sjmcc13: Though if you are not fighting crime, then knowing major stock market changes a day or so in advance would be great as well..


Well, there's a rub here.  You would end up with a temporal causality paradox caused by a form of the Observer Effect.  The act of knowing what the outcomes will be, it will be impossible to avoid that knowledge having some affect on the outcome, negating the advantage of the foreknowledge.   The further in advance the outcome is known, the larger effect the knowledge, or any act based upon that knowledge, will affect the outcome.

If you know that in two days, American Airlines stock is going to drop 50% on market open, and you sell (or short sell) stock due to this, that sale will have an effect on the outcome.  The larger the position, the larger the effect.

Then consider the Law of Unintended Consequences.

Lets say that you know the outcome (50% loss on open).  But you don't know why.  Are you going to get anywhere near an AA flight, or AA terminal in the next two days?  Are you going to go into any government buildings? Are you going to let your loved ones do so, and will they also stop their loved ones? Does that fear start rumors, ripple out to the markets, and send investors running on fears that something majorly bad will happen.  Did your knowledge that there was going to be a 50% drop, actually cause the 50% drop?

That's a whole can of worms.

/too much Star Trek
 
2014-06-19 11:06:15 AM  

Eskaminagaga: I would choose Wolverine style healing. You would get the immortality with it as well as the ability to live forever. With all of the time in the world, you could accomplish whatever you set your mind to.


The problem with being a badass is that people will constantly put that to the test.

The problem with being (near) immortal is that you can be thrown in a hole forever.  And everyone you care about dies first.

Fark all that, go with teleportation.
 
2014-06-19 11:07:59 AM  

Barnstormer: The ability to generate a superpower at will, whenever needed.

With a caveat, though. No super-de-dooper-powers when drunk. That would cause no end of trouble.


Oldie but goodie:

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that could happen. "No, its true," the first man says. "Let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
"Well, why not." the second guy says, "It works. I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".
 
2014-06-19 11:09:02 AM  
the power or persuasion

i can convince anyone to give me whatever i want, or do whatever i want or need at anytime.
 
2014-06-19 11:10:45 AM  
I'd like to know where stuff is.

Oh... My key are under that junk mail I meant to throw out.

Hey! Buried treasure!

D.B. Cooper? Dead.

They'd call me the Know Where Man!
 
2014-06-19 11:11:49 AM  
Shapeshifting for sure. You could be a bird or a fish or a bug. I'd retain my human intelligence though, right?
 
2014-06-19 11:11:56 AM  
Invulnerability would pretty much be the best super-power. You could have any of the other super-powers, and would likely die as a result of something or the other. Now having pretty much any other super-power combined with invulnerability is where it's at. Invulnerability + Teleportation, Invulnerability + Super Strength, Invulnerability + Flight, Invulnerability + Flight, etc. The question, more than anything is what would you want to DO with your super-power? Arguably, the very first thing that most folks would do with any super-power would be to exploit it and actually become villains. Teleportation? Teleport into a bank vault and out. Super Strength? Beat the shiat out of people you hate. Flight? Go to places you aren't supposed to be. Invisibility? Steal something, be somewhere you aren't supposed to be, or well...sex.

The list goes on but pretty much any use of a super-power for "good" would be almost certainly AFTER the bad.
 
2014-06-19 11:12:31 AM  
Just saw this last week too. A comic strip of some sort where three people were given super powers.
To the first (guy): "I give you ... super strength!"
To the second (gal): "I give you ... clean break poop. Every time you have to go, nothing but net, and so clean you'll never have to wipe."
To the third (guy): "You will never say, 'you too' when a waiter asks you to enjoy your meal."

(second and third high-five)
First guy: Can I get a do-over?
 
2014-06-19 11:14:14 AM  

duffman13: Teleportation for me, but barring that I could go for the power that girl had in the new X-men movie where she essentially could make portal gun style holes in time-space.  That way anybody can come on my teleportation journeys with me.  Either way, no waiting for air travel or commuting ever again.

Power 2 would be to rewind time 30 seconds at will.  I'd rack up a crapload of legal winnings at casinos this way, best bet would be maybe try and go high roller on a few roulette wheels until I hit big.  $1000 x 35 a few times would add up.


That's exactly the kind of thing I mean. If you're alone, all well and good, but if powers are a Thing all of a sudden the casino will know to watch for that stuff and have literally superhumanly intelligent people dividing ways to catch you and suddenly instead of winning million you're getting dragged out by Lenny and shot in both knees.
 
2014-06-19 11:17:21 AM  

Sin_City_Superhero: Y'all are thinking too small. Why just ONE superpower? Why not flight, invisibility, knowing the future, AND a giant cock?


And that the giant cock is not part of the invisibility.
Look up in the sky it's.... HOLY FARK IT'S A GIANT FLYING COCK!
 
2014-06-19 11:17:24 AM  

gopher321: Anybody who doesn't answer "flight" is a moron. There, I said it.


I'd choose powers of the Goddamned Batman.

\it's whatever I need it to be
 
2014-06-19 11:18:31 AM  

barefoot in the head: Variable girth.


Why do you think anyone puts up with Reed Richards?

\it ain't his winning personality
 
2014-06-19 11:18:46 AM  

Sin_City_Superhero: Y'all are thinking too small. Why just ONE superpower? Why not flight, invisibility, knowing the future, AND a giant cock?


That hasn't made my life much easier.

It just makes lying to me, cheating on me, betraying me and breaking my heart more fun.

EIP!
 
2014-06-19 11:19:13 AM  
You all lack imagination. I want the power to save and reload
 
2014-06-19 11:19:48 AM  

jayessell: I'd like to know where stuff is.

Oh... My key are under that junk mail I meant to throw out.

Hey! Buried treasure!

D.B. Cooper? Dead.

They'd call me the Know Where Man!


basicinstructions.squarespace.com
Beats being Omnipresent man!
 
2014-06-19 11:20:28 AM  

studebaker hoch: Time travel.


This if I'm going to break physics, I'm going all out.
 
2014-06-19 11:21:27 AM  
My top three

1.Invisibility
2.teleportation
3.invincibility
 
2014-06-19 11:22:46 AM  

MaliFinn: Those aren't superpowers, they're traits.


I was going to say, it sounds like they all answered with some bs version of "I don't want to answer that question, so I'll answer a completely different question instead."
 
2014-06-19 11:23:04 AM  

the money is in the banana stand: Arguably, the very first thing that most folks would do with any super-power would be to exploit it and actually become villains. Teleportation? Teleport into a bank vault and out. Super Strength? Beat the shiat out of people you hate. Flight? Go to places you aren't supposed to be. Invisibility? Steal something, be somewhere you aren't supposed to be, or well...sex.

The list goes on but pretty much any use of a super-power for "good" would be almost certainly AFTER the bad.


Actually, uh. As goofy as this sounds, if I got flight? The first thing I'm going to do is find a really, really big field of dandelions in bloom, and then fly really low to the ground, really, really fast.
/Yes, I do still have a REALLY strong inner five year old.


smd31: Russ1642: Headso: super intelligence is the best power because you could invent and  build technology to make all other superpowers, come on brehs think!

You'll end up caught off guard while you're monologuing.

^^  this


I'd like to have a bunch of powers obviously but...I think my top 3 would be, in no particular order:

*  Telepath/Telekinesis
*  Teleportation
*  Ability to absorb/take away people's powers and use them for myself or others


My 'main' was a Kinetics/Radiation Blast Defender in City of Heroes.  Mmmm...Siphon Speed, Speed Boost and Fulcrum Shift.  :D


Goddamnit. Miss that game so, so much.

/Fire-Ice blaster, more for theme than anything.
//Was starting up a Fire/Time corrupter through Pratoria, to become a hero, when the hammer came down...
 
2014-06-19 11:26:21 AM  

Barnstormer: The ability to generate a superpower at will, whenever needed.

With a caveat, though. No super-de-dooper-powers when drunk. That would cause no end of trouble.


*Scene: A roof top bar in NYC*
First Guy Sitting at Bar: "Hey, you know the winds between skyscrapers here in New York are so strong you can fall off a roof and they will blow you right back up."
Second Guy sitting at Bar: "No way."
First Guy: "No, really.  Here watch."
First guy steps over the side of the building, and a few seconds later comes floating back up and settles gently to the roof.
Second Guy: "Whoa!  That is so cool!  I gotta try this." *Steps off side of roof*
Bartender: "Superman, you're a mean drunk."
 
Displayed 50 of 218 comments


Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | » | Newest | Show all


View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
On Twitter








In Other Media
  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report