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(USA Today)   Corporate America soaring to new heights when it comes to twisting the English language into complete horseshiat   (usatoday.com ) divider line
    More: Obvious, Plain English, Farmington Hills, unsolved problems  
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11996 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Jun 2014 at 9:36 AM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-06-17 08:31:40 AM  
 "It's important for people to understand that factual statements are more useful and compelling to upper management and they avoid the problem of being taken out of context in litigation."

That's all beside the point. How is being honest good for me?
 
2014-06-17 09:06:02 AM  
But some of the advice was more extreme, for example, urging people to use such watered-down language as "does not perform to design" instead of "defect," and "condition" instead of "problem."

this came down from the CEO of my employer almost verbatim last year.  we were no longer able to say our software had "bugs" or "defects" in external communication.  that's exactly the kind of stupid shiat multi-million dollar wall street assholes do before they jump ship and leave you with 5 years of accounting "irregularities" that get you de-listed from the nasdaq.
 
2014-06-17 09:11:50 AM  
www.glossophilia.org
 
2014-06-17 09:12:22 AM  
mojoimage.com
 
2014-06-17 09:39:40 AM  
www.thebestschools.org

Wishes he wasn't so observant.
 
2014-06-17 09:40:36 AM  
FTFA: But some of the advice was more extreme, for example, urging people to use such watered-down language as "does not perform to design" instead of "defect," and "condition" instead of "problem."

As an engineer, reading this wanted me to punch a business major.

I can understand if someone saying this to someone outside of GM, but internally?  Fark these guys.
 
2014-06-17 09:40:48 AM  
You mean I could be paid for the things I do to the english language?
 
2014-06-17 09:42:25 AM  
So, how's that "slap a gymnastic description on something and it becomes completely different" crock of sh*t working out?  King Duke Wisdom Jones?  Apollonia Princess Crystal Brozowski?  Steve?  Anybody?
 
2014-06-17 09:43:45 AM  
Pfffffft!  Politicians have had that down pat since at least 1980.
 
2014-06-17 09:44:14 AM  
That's doubleplusungood.
 
2014-06-17 09:45:45 AM  

Cold_Sassy: Pfffffft!  Politicians have had that down pat since at least 1980.


"It's morning in America"

"And it's 7:30 in Prague."

"Security!  This isn't a free speech zone!"

"Sieg Heil, douchesocket."
 
2014-06-17 09:45:57 AM  
That girl does not perform to design.  It's causing a lot of conditions in our relationship.
 
2014-06-17 09:45:58 AM  
Read this. It was written almost 20 years ago, but still rings true.
 
2014-06-17 09:47:36 AM  

loonatic112358: You mean I could be paid for the things I do to the english language?


not with a post like that...

try this

(ahem) Are you implying that at the end of the day I could leverage untapped potentials of profit from the inroads slash synergy I have made using my own unique and pre-existing models of communication?
 
2014-06-17 09:47:48 AM  
has recalled vehicles at risk of "thermal events,"

Also known as "the after Taco Bell shiats."
 
2014-06-17 09:48:18 AM  
I live in that corporate world.  It's becoming much like law - it has it's own language, which is easily discernible and useable by those practiced in it, but to the average person not immersed in it, it sounds like complete crap.

And yes, its ability to obfuscate the truth is used to screw people who don't understand it (much like the law), so it's hated and distrusted.  And for good reason.  Horseshiat?  Perhaps.  But it's not nonsense.
 
2014-06-17 09:48:24 AM  
Does no still mean no?

Just trying to stay up to date.
 
2014-06-17 09:50:03 AM  
Friedman said corporate-speak often downplays or clouds the actual meaning of the problem. "It can create a communication gap between a company and its audiences. And sometimes it can come across as a company being disingenuous," he said.

img.4plebs.org
 
2014-06-17 09:50:56 AM  

stpauler: [www.glossophilia.org image 739x446]


I assume win-win is free?
 
2014-06-17 09:51:41 AM  

numbone: Does no still mean no?

Just trying to stay up to date.


Depends on your definition of "the".
 
2014-06-17 09:52:43 AM  

Cold_Sassy: Pfffffft!  Politicians have had that down pat since at least 1980.

Duly elected officials have historically possessed certain qualities that allow fluid dialogue with constituents.
 
2014-06-17 09:54:09 AM  

doublesecretprobation: we were no longer able to say our software had "bugs" or "defects" in external communication.


"Bugs" and "defects" are intimidating hurt words. "Not to design" implies we're both good and things just didn't work out. Welcome to the touchy-feely world of management consulting.
 
2014-06-17 09:54:45 AM  
stpauler:

I don't regard this sort of thing as corporate anymore. I'm a librarian and use half the words on this grid on a daily basis.
 
2014-06-17 09:55:19 AM  
Trying to have a stable economy by giving all the money to the rich is like like trying to jack off with a Brillo pad.  But if you pour butter on the idea and get a B actor to sell it, you can con 100,000,000 people into it.  Gymnastic corporate speak is just one more thing installed by attorneys and trickled down from campaign PR wankers.
 
2014-06-17 09:56:07 AM  

Majick Thise: loonatic112358: You mean I could be paid for the things I do to the english language?

not with a post like that...

try this

(ahem) Are you implying that at the end of the day I could leverage untapped potentials of profit from the inroads slash synergy I have made using my own unique and pre-existing models of communication?


All matters of communication will be fulfilled after a minimum of 1 liter of java, to minimize mis-intent of data conveyance.
 
2014-06-17 09:57:24 AM  
Reading corporate memos, especially anything to do with human resources employee relations, has long been a great source of entertainment for me.  Reading as they squirm around the obvious word choices to craft their message, you can almost hear them second and third-guessing themselves as the sentences become more and more unintelligible.  "Oh crap, we can't say that!  How about if we put it THIS way..."
 
2014-06-17 09:57:32 AM  

neenerist: doublesecretprobation: we were no longer able to say our software had "bugs" or "defects" in external communication.

"Bugs" and "defects" are intimidating hurt words. "Not to design" implies we're both good and things just didn't work out. Welcome to the touchy-feely world of management consulting.


I currently work with a CEO who says "We'll ship it on the 30th.  When we get to the 30th, whatever we have done is 'it'".  He's very understanding of bugs, defects, and the great sound deadlines make as they go wooshing by.  He wants you to talk plain, and will talk plain back to you. He doesnt place blame at all.  Its VERY refreshing.
 
2014-06-17 09:57:41 AM  

stpauler: [www.glossophilia.org image 739x446]


I can never avoid giggling if the word "delight" is used as a verb. I was employed at a place that discussed whether it should be included in the revised mission statement, as "delight the customer." That meeting was extended by at least twenty minutes while the freaking merit of "delight" was argued. I wanted to claw my eyes and ears then, but laugh about it now.
 
2014-06-17 09:57:47 AM  
I work in an environment like this, trying to unlearn the word 'no' and other common ones is a pain.
 
2014-06-17 09:57:48 AM  
"Ford, for example, has recalled vehicles at risk of "thermal events," when the diesel engine in the 2008 F-Series Super Duty pickup could result in flames coming out of the exhaust."

Yeeeeee-haw!!! Oh. That's not a feature? And you're... you're going to stop it from happening? Why goddam it, why?
 
2014-06-17 09:57:53 AM  
Sounds like most things coming out of the Federal Reserve or a science journal. It's hard to blame any of them, however, since the media, opposing counsel and others love to blow everything out of proportion and stretch otherwise valid statements to absurd extremes. That said, as packman_jon mentioned it would be frustrating as hell to work in an environment like that if you had to do it with internal conversations.

1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2014-06-17 09:58:41 AM  
There's a Calvin and Hobbes for this one.

http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2012/09/04
 
2014-06-17 09:59:22 AM  

neenerist: "Bugs" and "defects" are intimidating hurt words.


Whoever came up with that concept, the precursor to political correctness, needs cockpunched, repeatedly.
 
2014-06-17 09:59:41 AM  

Harvey Manfrenjensenjen: Sounds like most things coming out of the Federal Reserve or a science journal. It's hard to blame any of them, however, since the media, opposing counsel and others love to blow everything out of proportion and stretch otherwise valid statements to absurd extremes. That said, as packman_jon mentioned it would be frustrating as hell to work in an environment like that if you had to do it with internal conversations.

[1.bp.blogspot.com image 800x273]


MIne's better!

/nyah!
 
2014-06-17 10:00:04 AM  
At the company where I work, we're encouraged to report problems, and we're also encouraged to not sugar coat it. If something is broken, we use "broken". If something is "not working as expected", that means it's working, but not the way it should be. We don't mix words like that, and it tends to work out better because of it. We're also asked to rate how bad things are in a high-medium-low scale, which helps the higher ups understand if this is a major problem or just a minor thing that isn't going to cause sales to plummet. I've never once been asked to change my scale estimate or wording.

The only thing we've had to do is kind of go the opposite way, which is the management had to message out to "assume positive intent". In other words, if you find a problem, don't assume someone farked it up on purpose.
 
2014-06-17 10:00:19 AM  
Let Evel Knievel get on the plane, I'll be sitting inside in one of those little chairs. It seems less windy in there.
 
2014-06-17 10:02:09 AM  

nyseattitude: Cold_Sassy: Pfffffft!  Politicians have had that down pat since at least 1980.Duly elected officials have historically possessed certain qualities that allow fluid dialogue with constituents.


More than likely, but I just don't remember much about it prior to that.
 
2014-06-17 10:06:07 AM  
Funny coming from USA Today
 
2014-06-17 10:10:11 AM  

doublesecretprobation: But some of the advice was more extreme, for example, urging people to use such watered-down language as "does not perform to design" instead of "defect," and "condition" instead of "problem."

this came down from the CEO of my employer almost verbatim last year.  we were no longer able to say our software had "bugs" or "defects" in external communication.  that's exactly the kind of stupid shiat multi-million dollar wall street assholes do before they jump ship and leave you with 5 years of accounting "irregularities" that get you de-listed from the nasdaq.


Sounds oddly familiar... kind of like thedefense for Aca implementation.
 
2014-06-17 10:11:23 AM  
Everybody is learning from the officials at the Three-Mile Island nuclear plant and its "rapid oxydation" event.


neenerist: doublesecretprobation: we were no longer able to say our software had "bugs" or "defects" in external communication.

"Bugs" and "defects" are intimidating hurt words. "Not to design" implies we're both good and things just didn't work out. Welcome to the touchy-feely world of management consulting.


We like to call them "unintended features".
 
2014-06-17 10:11:42 AM  

stonicus: That girl does not perform to design.  It's causing a lot of conditions in our relationship.


She's only using one out of her three input ports, so obviously something is out of spec.
 
2014-06-17 10:12:16 AM  
"Just so we're all on the same pages"... had to hear that nugget of shiat almost daily at a past job. And yes, "pages" was plural.

/But at the end of the day...
 
2014-06-17 10:14:45 AM  
CSB:

One of the first jorbs I had after being in the military was as a production director at a radio station. The sales girls would come in my office with some idiotic ideas.

I was called into the GMs office one day and she explained to me "Kendelrio, you can't call the sales girls idiots and tell them their ideas sound like they came from a suggestion box at a home for the mentally retarded".

I told her in my defense the sales girls ARE idiots and their ideas sound like they came from the suggestion box at a home for the mentally retarded.

She replied "I know, but you can't SAY that to them. Tell them their idea has merit and you'll consider it and if it meets the best interests of the clients advertising expectations, you'll implement it".

From that point on I was constantly having to explain I had "considered" their idea and it didn't meet the requirements of the clients advertising expectations so we weren't going to implement it at this time, but would revisit the idea at a later date.

/csb
 
2014-06-17 10:14:46 AM  

loonatic112358: 1 liter of java


Perhaps you refer to a caffeine-infused, warm water based, mild stimulant delivery beverage.
 
2014-06-17 10:16:52 AM  
 
2014-06-17 10:17:39 AM  

stpauler: [www.glossophilia.org image 739x446]


I use at least 10 of these a day...
 
2014-06-17 10:17:46 AM  

capt.hollister: We like to call them "unintended features".


"Unintended" is a little too strong, suggesting a lack of control and planning. "Bonus Opportunities".
 
2014-06-17 10:20:59 AM  

GoldSpider: neenerist: "Bugs" and "defects" are intimidating hurt words.

Whoever came up with that concept, the precursor to political correctness, needs cockpunched, repeatedly.


Sounds like someone was an "at hope" child in the past.
 
2014-06-17 10:22:02 AM  
When SCOTUS legalizes corporation religion, these words become the new liturgy, unless your company goes Wiccan..
 
2014-06-17 10:22:39 AM  
VP: Please do not say "Global" or "Defect" to our clients. Any questions?
Me: I don't want to get fired for this, but have you considered hiring people that actually know what they are doing?
VP: Please do not say "Global" or "Defect" when talking to our clients.

/He and I are both still here, so I may only assume the corporation is functioning as designed.
 
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