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(Metro)   If you want to succeed at crowdfunding, you can't go wrong with high-tech machines that will give you a blowjob while you sit at your computer. "Inventor Brian Sloan assures us that there is no risk of the device short-circuiting" (Not safe for work)   (metro.co.uk) divider line 49
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3081 clicks; posted to Business » on 16 Jun 2014 at 5:35 PM (27 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



49 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2014-06-16 04:29:13 PM  
Since when is a jar of peanut butter and a dog "hi tech"?
 
2014-06-16 05:38:43 PM  

GRCooper: Since when is a jar of peanut butter and a dog "hi tech"?


Your dog wants steak, not a cocktail frank.
 
2014-06-16 05:45:15 PM  

Fear the Clam: GRCooper: Since when is a jar of peanut butter and a dog "hi tech"?

Your dog wants steak, not a cocktail frank.


If it looks like a snausage it's close enough
 
2014-06-16 05:50:40 PM  
I think we all know how this ends up.

i.imgur.com
 
2014-06-16 05:51:48 PM  

Smeggy Smurf: Fear the Clam: GRCooper: Since when is a jar of peanut butter and a dog "hi tech"?

Your dog wants steak, not a cocktail frank.

If it looks like a snausage it's close enough


Your dog wants snake.
 
2014-06-16 05:52:03 PM  
DNRTFA for workplace safety, but are they serious about offering this at work?

That's got to be small business, if so.  I don't care how high up the corporate ladder you are, installing something like that can't be anything but a "Resume generating opportunity"; all it takes is one disgruntled employee to notify HR -- or the media.
 
2014-06-16 05:52:37 PM  
didn't they make a fleshlight that could hold an iPad a while back?

//tech sure has come a long way since that Amazon Women on the Moon skit
 
2014-06-16 06:00:46 PM  
"I've invented the best most awkward male sex toy ever"

Here, stick your dick in this paint can and see the wonders that 20 lbs. of plastic and metal can give you.

Seriously, that thing is farking HUGE.
 
2014-06-16 06:02:04 PM  

McGrits: didn't they make a fleshlight that could hold an iPad a while back?

//tech sure has come a long way since that Amazon Women on the Moon skit


We examine today's crowdfunded oral sex machine to determine if it's...

phillbarron.files.wordpress.com
 
2014-06-16 06:14:31 PM  
Meanwhile, at the bottom:

metrouk2.files.wordpress.com
Crocodile eggs in your ice cream is the new thing

In case you wanted some robot testicles to pump some artificial manbutter into your mechanical pussy.
 
M-G
2014-06-16 06:22:50 PM  
I hope that's a prototype.  The thing sounds noisy enough to require hearing protection.
 
2014-06-16 06:24:11 PM  
I shudder to think what went wrong with the Autoblow 1...
 
2014-06-16 06:25:49 PM  

Fark like a Barsoomian: Smeggy Smurf: Fear the Clam: GRCooper: Since when is a jar of peanut butter and a dog "hi tech"?

Your dog wants steak, not a cocktail frank.

If it looks like a snausage it's close enough

Your dog wants snake.


Chomper sic balls!
 
2014-06-16 06:52:25 PM  

qorkfiend: I think we all know how this ends up.

[i.imgur.com image 295x171]


First thing I thought of.
 
2014-06-16 06:54:03 PM  
Prototype: VIDEO (clicky pops)
 
2014-06-16 06:57:32 PM  
Oh noes, now some Farkers will never see daylight ever again.
 
2014-06-16 07:00:25 PM  
boingboing.net

/we're almost there
 
2014-06-16 07:10:28 PM  
Oh for fark's sake....
 
2014-06-16 07:28:32 PM  
Oh. Nothing for the ladies. Booo. I've got your crowd funding right here, buddy.
 
2014-06-16 07:38:52 PM  

Mikey1969: "I've invented the best most awkward male sex toy ever"

Here, stick your dick in this paint can and see the wonders that 20 lbs. of plastic and metal can give you.

Seriously, that thing is farking HUGE.


Why thank you
 
2014-06-16 07:39:08 PM  
i59.tinypic.com
 
2014-06-16 07:41:32 PM  
Wisdom for the ages

"Trust me, Bart, it's better to walk in on both your parents than on just one of them."
 
2014-06-16 07:55:51 PM  
I saw a similar episode of Bevis and Butthead, only it was Bevis' arm caught in a blood pressure machine.
 
2014-06-16 08:01:54 PM  
I wish this was something I could get behind.
 
2014-06-16 08:18:17 PM  
i'll be damned if that aint the weirdest product i ever came across.
 
2014-06-16 10:11:10 PM  
Autoblow 2...what the hell happened to the Autoblow 1?

Where is the body?
 
2014-06-16 10:19:55 PM  

Outlaw2097: Autoblow 2...what the hell happened to the Autoblow 1?



It achieved sentience and is undergoing counseling.
 
2014-06-16 10:46:08 PM  
A blow job machine?

Though it's never been due to lack of the technology that we haven't had one of these already.

It's the stark contrast that it's socially acceptable, even empowering, for a woman to get herself off frequently with a vibrator;
while a man using such a machine to do the same is to be considered in a Venn overlap between loser and absolute pervert.

Once you get over the social acceptance issues, I'm not sure who this would make happier:

men or women?!
 
2014-06-16 10:49:55 PM  

MurphyMurphy: A blow job machine?

Though it's never been due to lack of the technology that we haven't had one of these already.

It's the stark contrast that it's socially acceptable, even empowering, for a woman to get herself off frequently with a vibrator;
while a man using such a machine to do the same is to be considered in a Venn overlap between loser and absolute pervert.

Once you get over the social acceptance issues, I'm not sure who this would make happier:

men or women?!


Yes.
 
2014-06-16 10:53:21 PM  
Still more plausible than solar roadways.
 
2014-06-16 11:50:25 PM  
*starts singing In The Year 2525 to himself*
 
2014-06-17 12:04:42 AM  

Miss5280: Oh. Nothing for the ladies. Booo. I've got your crowd funding right here, buddy.


no one is stopping the ladies from ENGINEERING one themselves...but you all keep majoring in something other than a stem field.
 
2014-06-17 12:12:36 AM  

The Flexecutioner: i'll be damned if that aint the weirdest product i ever came across.


If you're coming across it, you're probably not using it right.

(Also, you're making a mess.)
 
2014-06-17 12:15:16 AM  
"Crowdfunded oral sex machine"

Isn't that just a euphemism for subby's mom?
 
2014-06-17 12:33:55 AM  

DarkSoulNoHope: *starts singing In The Year 2525 to himself*


i291.photobucket.com
 
2014-06-17 04:45:58 AM  

qorkfiend: I think we all know how this ends up.


Nope and I don't ever want to know.
 
2014-06-17 05:05:03 AM  

McGrits: didn't they make a fleshlight that could hold an iPad a while back?

//tech sure has come a long way since that Amazon Women on the Moon skit


What's the difference between a fleshlight and an iPad?

No.. seriously. I have no punchline to that question.
 
2014-06-17 07:34:34 AM  
So lonely
 
2014-06-17 08:43:35 AM  

MurphyMurphy: Though it's never been due to lack of the technology that we haven't had one of these already.
It's the stark contrast that it's socially acceptable, even empowering, for a woman to get herself off frequently with a vibrator;
while a man using such a machine to do the same is to be considered in a Venn overlap between loser and absolute pervert.


I think the shape of the hardware might have something to do with it.  I dunno about "empowering" -- it strikes me as a contrived version of "sex sells" the way TV portrays women talking about masturbation -- but yeah, nobody really thinks it odd if a woman owns a toy or two.  Thing is, the same could be said of pr0n.  Guys don't make a big deal of pr0n and that's just as much a sex aid as any other.

Women can get off purely on hand work, but to my knowledge it's rather difficult and unsatisfying.  Women mainly use their hands to get going before they reach for a toy.  By comparison, jerking off is easy to do and costs nothing.  If some dude's using a YoMama BFBJ-9000X to get off, the first question that comes to mind is, WTF is the point?  I wouldn't think the guy's creepy, but it's certainly silly.  Men are more likely to be made fun of if they make sex overly complicated, because pretty much any sex toy you design for men is obsolete before it leaves the prototype phase.

I know you like to think of male sexuality as taboo and it's invariably portrayed unflatteringly in media, but media is constantly trying to make sexuality into something it's not.  TV shows aren't interested in portraying sex realistically; they use sex because sex sells.  But TV is also run by sociopathic self-loathing old white men who are terrified of teh ghays, so they make female sexuality as titillating as possible while making male sexuality awkward because that's what they want to see.  If TV was the be-all end-all of pop culture then women would be wooed by the nonsensical antics in rom-coms when in IRL if you try that shiat you'd get arrested.  Don't take cues about sexuality from TV.
 
2014-06-17 08:47:59 AM  
Contribute $150 and you'll get one of the first models off the production line!

Contribute $1500 and we won't tell anyone that you contributed!
 
2014-06-17 09:18:06 AM  

MurphyMurphy: A blow job machine?

Though it's never been due to lack of the technology that we haven't had one of these already.

It's the stark contrast that it's socially acceptable, even empowering, for a woman to get herself off frequently with a vibrator;
while a man using such a machine to do the same is to be considered in a Venn overlap between loser and absolute pervert.

Once you get over the social acceptance issues, I'm not sure who this would make happier:

men or women?!


I'm pretty sure somebody already tried to put one of these out in the late 90's.
 
2014-06-17 10:10:22 AM  
New Wearable Computer Also Sucks Your Dick
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g49C8OOIWbU
 
2014-06-17 10:31:09 AM  

abhorrent1: So lonely


Perfect caption for the pic in the article:

metrouk2.files.wordpress.com
 
2014-06-17 10:43:32 AM  
First they came for your cashiers, now they are taking away your secretaries.  Damn infernal machines.
 
2014-06-17 10:54:11 AM  
Pfft. Blowjobs are cheap and readily available. But when they make a machine that can give a decent footrub, I'll buy it.
 
2014-06-17 11:58:11 AM  
Does it clean itself?  Cause that's what has kept me from buying a fleshlight.  There's enough shame in me after blowing my load, don't really feel like trying to wash jizz out of a device like that.

Have you ever watched porn after you came?  Totally disgusting.
 
2014-06-17 01:32:24 PM  

dragonchild: MurphyMurphy: Though it's never been due to lack of the technology that we haven't had one of these already.
It's the stark contrast that it's socially acceptable, even empowering, for a woman to get herself off frequently with a vibrator;
while a man using such a machine to do the same is to be considered in a Venn overlap between loser and absolute pervert.

I think the shape of the hardware might have something to do with it.  I dunno about "empowering" -- it strikes me as a contrived version of "sex sells" the way TV portrays women talking about masturbation -- but yeah, nobody really thinks it odd if a woman owns a toy or two.  Thing is, the same could be said of pr0n.  Guys don't make a big deal of pr0n and that's just as much a sex aid as any other.

Women can get off purely on hand work, but to my knowledge it's rather difficult and unsatisfying.  Women mainly use their hands to get going before they reach for a toy.  By comparison, jerking off is easy to do and costs nothing.  If some dude's using a YoMama BFBJ-9000X to get off, the first question that comes to mind is, WTF is the point?  I wouldn't think the guy's creepy, but it's certainly silly.  Men are more likely to be made fun of if they make sex overly complicated, because pretty much any sex toy you design for men is obsolete before it leaves the prototype phase.

I know you like to think of male sexuality as taboo and it's invariably portrayed unflatteringly in media, but media is constantly trying to make sexuality into something it's not.  TV shows aren't interested in portraying sex realistically; they use sex because sex sells.  But TV is also run by sociopathic self-loathing old white men who are terrified of teh ghays, so they make female sexuality as titillating as possible while making male sexuality awkward because that's what they want to see.  If TV was the be-all end-all of pop culture then women would be wooed by the nonsensical antics in rom-coms when in IRL if you try that shiat you ...



TV?

I don't know what world you live in but it's not just TV that views male masturbation as a joke or something pathetic while female masturbation is about self discovery and eroticism.  It is clearly a double standard.
 
2014-06-17 02:39:20 PM  
Remember the story of John Henry vs the steam-hammer?  Contest Time!   ; )
 
2014-06-17 11:32:23 PM  

Stephanie M 1992: Remember the story of John Henry vs the steam-hammer?  Contest Time!   ; )


How would you decide the winner?
 
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