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(Uproxx)   This week in "Getting Smarter and Better at Cocktail Parties with John Oliver," Mr. Oliver takes FIFA to the woodshed just in time for The World Cup. Complete with Two Girls One Cup metaphor, of course   ( divider line
    More: Interesting, cocktail party, Fifa, World Cup  
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5638 clicks; posted to Main » on 09 Jun 2014 at 4:42 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2014-06-09 05:05:16 PM  
5 votes:
World Cup story apropos of nothing:

In the 90's when the World Cup came to Orlando, the Irish were having quite the time of it. One night at a downtown bar, when "last call" was announced, the Irish decided they weren't done partying yet. They forcibly ejected all the employees, taking their keys and locking the doors as they and everyone else inside went gangbusters.

The manager called the cops, who took one look and said "nope". They advised the manager to let them drink themselves silly until they were done, and submit a claim to the insurance company for damages the next day.

As it turns out though, the manager came in the next day with a spare set of keys to find the place immaculate. Everything was properly cleaned, mopped and wiped down, and the cash register was practically bursting with cash. Turns out they'd collected full price for every drink, got rid of any violent troublemakers, and cleaned up afterward. They even left a note of apology and thanks.

2014-06-09 05:08:11 PM  
3 votes:

SlothB77: [PLUG] tag misspelled.

how much is Mr Oliver paying you guys?

Less than Walking Dead, but more than Cosmos.
2014-06-09 06:02:03 PM  
2 votes:
Good for you on those sales numbers. I'm not saying that everybody found it not worth paying for, I'm saying maybe those that pirated it did. You are the one that seems rather desperate here. I don't find anything immoral with what I'm doing and the illegal part is not a deterrent when the law behind it is basically unenforceable.

As a record store owner, my business faces ruin. CD sales have dropped through the floor. People aren't buying half as many CDs as they did just a year ago. Revenue is down and costs are up. My store has survived for years, but I now face the prospect of bankruptcy. Every day I ask myself why this is happening.

I bought the store about 12 years ago. It was one of those boutique record stores that sell obscure, independent releases that no-one listens to, not even the people that buy them. I decided that to grow the business I'd need to aim for a different demographic, the family market. My store specialised in family music - stuff that the whole family could listen to. I don't sell sick stuff like Marilyn Manson or cop-killer rap, and I'm proud to have one of the most extensive Christian rock sections that I know of.

The business strategy worked. People flocked to my store, knowing that they (and their children) could safely purchase records without profanity or violent lyrics. Over the years I expanded the business and took on more clean-cut and friendly employees. It took hard work and long hours but I had achieved my dream - owning a profitable business that I had built with my own hands, from the ground up. But now, this dream is turning into a nightmare.

Every day, fewer and fewer customers enter my store to buy fewer and fewer CDs. Why is no one buying CDs? Are people not interested in music? Do people prefer to watch TV, see films, read books? I don't know. But there is one, inescapable truth - Internet piracy is mostly to blame. The statistics speak for themselves - one in three discs world wide is a pirate. On The Internet, you can find and download hundreds of dollars worth of music in just minutes. It has the potential to destroy the music industry, from artists, to record companies to stores like my own. Before you point to the supposed "economic downturn", I'll note that the book store just across from my store is doing great business. Unlike CDs, it's harder to copy books over The Internet.

A week ago, an unpleasant experience with pirates gave me an idea. In my store, I overheard a teenage patron talking to his friend.

"Dude, I'm going to put this CD on the Internet right away."

"Yeah, dude, that's really lete [sic], you'll get lots of respect."

I was fuming. So they were out to destroy the record industry from right under my nose? Fat chance. When they came to the counter to make their purchase, I grabbed the little shiat by his shirt. "'re going to copy this to your friends over The Internet, punk?" I asked him in my best Clint Eastwood/Dirty Harry voice.

"Uh y-yeh." He mumbled, shocked.

"That's it. What's your name? You're blacklisted. Now take yourself and your little biatch friend out of my store - and don't come back." I barked. Cravenly, they complied and scampered off.

So that's my idea - a national blacklist of pirates. If somebody cannot obey the basic rules of society, then they should be excluded from society. If pirates want to steal from the music industry, then the music industry should exclude them. It's that simple. One strike, and you're out - no reputable record store will allow you to buy another CD. If the pirates can't buy the CDS to begin with, then they won't be able to copy them over The Internet, will they? It's no different to doctors blacklisting drug dealers from buying prescription medicine.

I have just written a letter to the RIAA outlining my proposal. Suing pirates one by one isn't going far enough. Not to mention pirates use the fact that they're being sued to unfairly portray themselves as victims. A national register of pirates would make the problem far easier to deal with. People would be encouraged to give the names of suspected pirates to a hotline, similar to TIPS. Once we know the size of the problem, the police and other law enforcement agencies will be forced to take piracy seriously. They have fought the War on Drugs with skill, so why not the War on Piracy?

This evening, my daughters asked me. "Why do the other kids laugh at us?"

I wanted to tell them the truth - it's because they wear old clothes and have cheap haircuts. I can't afford anything better for them right now.

"It's because they are idiots, kids", I told them. "Don't listen to them."

When the kids went to bed, my wife asked me, "Will we be able to keep the house, David?"

I just shook my head, and tried to hold back the tears. "I don't know, Jenny. I don't know."

When my girls ask me questions like that, I feel like my heart is being wrenched out of my chest. But knowing that I'm doing the best I can to save my family and my business is some consolation.

Some people are offended by my blacklist system. I may have made my store less popular for pirates and sympathisers, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make to save my industry from destruction. I am inspired by artists such as Metallica that have taken a stand against the powerful pirate lobby. When everyone believes 2 + 2 = 5, to simply state the truth, that 2 + 2 = 4, is a courageous act.
2014-06-09 05:05:31 PM  
2 votes:

RoyBatty: Not to knock John Oliver, who I really enjoy, I can't understand his leaving the Daily Show for this knockoff.

He gets his own show that is 100% his voice, and he gets to swear. I think it's great.
2014-06-09 05:56:13 PM  
1 vote:
Right Said Fred put on a good show. well done.
2014-06-09 05:32:03 PM  
1 vote:

insertsnarkyusername: shower_in_my_socks: insertsnarkyusername: I've never understood why people feel guilty for pirating.

Same reason people feel guilty for shoplifting.

Those aren't even remotely the same thing. If I shoplift say a 6 pack of beer that's one thing it's lost inventory that the store is out money on. If I could sit at home and magically make a copy of that 6 pack appear in front of me nothing is lost and nobody has been harmed.

That is absolute bullshiat. I'm an independent filmmaker with four documentaries in distribution. The first film that I made was self-distributed for the first few months before we found a distributor. I put it out on Amazon myself. Within days, it was already ripped and on the torrent sites. I found message boards where people were requesting a ripped version of it for them to download. It was RIGHT THERE on Amazon for them to buy - reasonably priced, and streaming, even, if they didn't want a disk. But why do that when they can just grab it for free? Those @ssholes STOLE MONEY FROM ME. Period. All of my films are self-funded. You're talking to a Farker who had money taken out of his pocket by this shiat, so don't try to defend it.
2014-06-09 05:14:03 PM  
1 vote:

RoyBatty: Not to knock John Oliver, who I really enjoy, I can't understand his leaving the Daily Show for this knockoff.

There have been some key differences so far though. Like Oliver will do a full 10-15 minutes on one subject, a lot more focus on international news,  and he gets to criticize big corporations since the show isn't paid for with ad dollars.
2014-06-09 05:08:38 PM  
1 vote:

buckler: /CSB

I was in Paris for the start of the '98 World Cup. The first match was Scotland vs. Brazil. I remember all of the Brazilians were parading down the streets with banners and various musical instruments, and the Scots were all in the bars.
2014-06-09 05:06:27 PM  
1 vote:
"That's huge for Jesus."

2014-06-09 04:46:46 PM  
1 vote:
FIFA... Isn't that what you'd name a female French poodle?
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