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(Cracked)   Here are 5 horrifying truths about funeral homes, straight from an undertaker's mouth (Warning: Some graphic content)   (cracked.com) divider line 171
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24006 clicks; posted to Main » on 09 Jun 2014 at 4:56 AM (14 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-06-09 03:05:13 AM
That was...not as gross as I thought it would be.

/cremation except for the 'you can have any of my organs you want as long as they're useable' bit
 
2014-06-09 04:17:19 AM
I kind of want to be eaten by bears. I have this theory about physics and immortality. Maybe my DNA can't turn me into a bear, but a bear's colon can. Better than a pine box.
 
2014-06-09 05:03:53 AM
It's a list of shiat everyone already knows.  Why did they even bother writing that?
 
2014-06-09 05:09:09 AM
Trust the undertaker... what's the worst that could happen?
famousdude.com
 
2014-06-09 05:15:58 AM

Emposter: It's a list of shiat everyone already knows.  Why did they even bother writing that?


Cracked has been pretty low quality as of late
 
2014-06-09 05:19:41 AM
6) She'll be tasty, roasted with a few french fries, broccoli, horseradish sauce...

/ Oh, and get some parsnips
 
2014-06-09 05:21:48 AM
I actually liked that article a bit. All that gruesome work they do for a grieving family really isn't as respected as it should be.
 
2014-06-09 05:23:06 AM

Victoly: 6) She'll be tasty, roasted with a few french fries, broccoli, horseradish sauce...

/ Oh, and get some parsnips


Are you proposing we eat my mother?

I am a bit peckish...
 
2014-06-09 05:33:56 AM
That wasn't gross at all. Kind of did confirm my desire to be cremated. Or frozen solid and then shaken to bits.
 
2014-06-09 05:48:23 AM
i.cdn.turner.com
 
2014-06-09 05:48:33 AM

powhound: That wasn't gross at all. Kind of did confirm my desire to be cremated. Or frozen solid and then shaken to bits.


Hey, that would be kind of cool. Frozen in liquid nitrogen, dropped from some distance and shattered to bits. I like it!
 
2014-06-09 05:50:48 AM

doglover: I kind of want to be eaten by bears. I have this theory about physics and immortality. Maybe my DNA can't turn me into a bear, but a bear's colon can. Better than a pine box.


It really is not death you are choosing; it is the last three minutes of life. And I might be going out on a limb here, but bears probably make those last three minutes horrible.
 
2014-06-09 05:52:27 AM

zarker: Emposter: It's a list of shiat everyone already knows.  Why did they even bother writing that?

Cracked has been pretty low quality as of late


MAD is worse - they've caught the derp.
 
2014-06-09 06:02:41 AM
#6 We will rape your corpse. Attractive or not, man or woman, any race or ethnicity, we will be doing weird sexually stuff to that body and film it. Because doing kinky things to dead people is the only reason we got into this business in the first place.
 
2014-06-09 06:03:40 AM
Hippos aren't exactly the friendliest herbivores on the planet.
 
2014-06-09 06:05:14 AM

Massa Damnata: Hippos aren't exactly the friendliest herbivores on the planet.


Wrong thread my friend
 
2014-06-09 06:06:31 AM

August11: It really is not death you are choosing; it is the last three minutes of life. And I might be going out on a limb here, but bears probably make those last three minutes horrible.


I've had my last three minutes planned for thirty years now. (NSFW)
 
2014-06-09 06:12:42 AM
Yeah, I didn't find that "horrifying." I worked with a guy who started off after college in a funeral home. His stories were closer to "horrifying," because for a while his funeral home was also the county's morgue.

Still, we just went through this in my family - my mother died last year, at home (under hospice care). So we had to deal with the funeral home. Mom had the money for and wanted a full, traditional funeral. We aren't done yet, because we need to get the grave markers done. The only "horrifying" thing was the price. The funeral home did a good job, but for the money, they had better.
 
2014-06-09 06:13:03 AM

granolasteak: That was...not as gross as I thought it would be.

/cremation except for the 'you can have any of my organs you want as long as they're useable' bit


I sure could use a new liver. I was diagnosed in 2009 with cirrhosis at the ripe age of 34.
 
2014-06-09 06:16:00 AM

lasercannon: Massa Damnata: Hippos aren't exactly the friendliest herbivores on the planet.

Wrong thread my friend


my hippo goes where it wants.

/too many tabs
 
2014-06-09 06:24:08 AM

August11: doglover: I kind of want to be eaten by bears. I have this theory about physics and immortality. Maybe my DNA can't turn me into a bear, but a bear's colon can. Better than a pine box.

It really is not death you are choosing; it is the last three minutes of life. And I might be going out on a limb here, but bears probably make those last three minutes horrible.


No. I mean post mortem.

I can't be a bear with an injection of polymorphine. So, at least after I die I can become part of a bear. This way, before the heat death of the universe, some of my atoms can be like "Yeah, we were totally a bear once."
 
2014-06-09 06:25:14 AM
6) they're full of dead people. eek!
 
2014-06-09 06:33:52 AM
I've had !y funeral planned for a while now.

Big celebration/party at a funeral home. Booze will be provided, but mourners have to wear rainbow flag pins. People can tell whatever stories they like--I was a saint or sinner, great human being or piece of crap. I want one toast to my life, preferably with scotch. After that, put me in the ground with the rest of the half of my family I've actually known. No church service.

And I am registered as an organ donor--not that many of my organs will be vianble anyway.

This is all spelled out in my last will and testament, alonwith a list of my close friends who I want contacted in the event of my demise. And it is kept by the person I want to be the executor of my estate.
 
2014-06-09 06:37:58 AM
Part me out, cremate me, and toss my ashes in the river.

They combed my dad's hair wrong. It bothered me a lot.
 
2014-06-09 06:38:03 AM
7) Weird boners?
 
2014-06-09 06:53:48 AM
Contrary to TFA, Rob Schneider has never been funny.
Also, I don't have any children, so I'll just be cremated or buried in a pauper's grave after my rotting corpse is found.
 
2014-06-09 06:56:52 AM
Awesome movie about a funeral home with a creepy Liberace as the guy who sells the caskets and other funeral merchandise.  It had the feel of an early John Waters film without the gratuitous nudity.
 
2014-06-09 06:59:30 AM

agent00pi: zarker: Emposter: It's a list of shiat everyone already knows.  Why did they even bother writing that?

Cracked has been pretty low quality as of late

MAD is worse - they've caught the derp.


True, but a couple of the Derpy ones have been well done.
 
2014-06-09 07:02:38 AM

powhound: That wasn't gross at all. Kind of did confirm my desire to be cremated. Or frozen solid and then shaken to bits.


You still have to deal with an undertaker (or, rather, your family does).  One of the oldest kickback/price-fixing schemes in the US resulted in pretty much every state requiring that you be cremated in a casket.  Yes, a casket, made by someone officially 'licensed' to make 'caskets', which are legally distinct from 'boxes' despite many being literally identical in form to a 30$ mass-produced crate.

In some states various other funerary trappings are required (e.g. you have to go in an urn if cremated), though as TFA notes there's been some reform such that nobody requires embalming anymore (but only because the courts made it literally illegal to require it).

The undertakers' lobby is sort of the prototypical lobbying protectionist racket in US history and in some ways the prototype for American organized crime.  It's actually kind of amusing how outright sinister and corrupt it is going all the way back to the 1600s... mostly because none of the issues actually relate to the fact that they handle the dead, particularly.  It's more like they were the 1700s version of the modern Telcom industry.
 
2014-06-09 07:04:05 AM

lasercannon: #6 We will rape your corpse. Attractive or not, man or woman, any race or ethnicity, we will be doing weird sexually stuff to that body and film it. Because doing kinky things to dead people is the only reason we got into this business in the first place.


This actually has some basis in fact. In Egypt they let the bodies mellow a bit before sending them off to be mummified to act as a deterrent against post mortem shenanigans.
 
2014-06-09 07:06:23 AM

Smoking GNU: lasercannon: #6 We will rape your corpse. Attractive or not, man or woman, any race or ethnicity, we will be doing weird sexually stuff to that body and film it. Because doing kinky things to dead people is the only reason we got into this business in the first place.

This actually has some basis in fact. In Egypt they let the bodies mellow a bit before sending them off to be mummified to act as a deterrent against post mortem shenanigans.


I meant ancient egypt, when they still did mummification.
 
2014-06-09 07:08:14 AM

Badafuco: granolasteak: That was...not as gross as I thought it would be.

/cremation except for the 'you can have any of my organs you want as long as they're useable' bit

I sure could use a new liver. I was diagnosed in 2009 with cirrhosis at the ripe age of 34.


Damn dude, I'm so sorry. I've been an organ donor since I turned 18. I'm 28 now and am a hardcore drinker. Your profile story really hits home considering my problem and the fact that my step father had a liver transplant 2 years ago(never had a drink in his life as well as being a great and other wise healthy guy).

I guess I don't really have much of a point but just want you to know that this guy down here in Houston, Tx has you in his thoughts(I'm not the religious type as well).

Best of luck to you bro.
 
2014-06-09 07:09:57 AM
I wish my body to be processed into processed meats then packaged as some vegan faux meat.

Trolling from beyond the grave.
 
2014-06-09 07:13:20 AM

zamboni: powhound: That wasn't gross at all. Kind of did confirm my desire to be cremated. Or frozen solid and then shaken to bits.

Hey, that would be kind of cool. Frozen in liquid nitrogen, dropped from some distance and shattered to bits. I like it!


No thanks, I'm afraid of heights.
 
2014-06-09 07:16:17 AM

LonMead: Trust the undertaker... what's the worst that could happen?
[famousdude.com image 223x296]


I learned from Liam Neeson to take the his word that I'm dead if I wake up in a funeral home.
 
2014-06-09 07:16:58 AM

LonMead: Trust the undertaker... what's the worst that could happen?
[famousdude.com image 223x296]


one of my favorite scenes from that movie:
i58.tinypic.com

That gets everyone who watches it... they all jump out of their seats at least once =P
 
2014-06-09 07:18:02 AM

zarker: Emposter: It's a list of shiat everyone already knows.  Why did they even bother writing that?

Cracked has been pretty low quality as of late


As of late?

Cracked was the magazine you bypassed to get to the higher quality, and funnier, Mad magazine.

Oh, occasionally they had an issue that was funnier than Mad, but not usually.
 
2014-06-09 07:19:01 AM
Unless you've known the FD for 20+ years odds are your body will be transported to a lite industry development with pull through lanes.  Very, very few funeral homes are family/sole owned.  They're about as community oriented as McDonalds.
 
2014-06-09 07:19:32 AM
www.underscores.fr
/my ideal funeral.
 
2014-06-09 07:22:03 AM
Not that I object to hyperbolic language in pursuit of a click or two, but none of those horrified me.
 
2014-06-09 07:25:04 AM

lasercannon: Massa Damnata: Hippos aren't exactly the friendliest herbivores on the planet.

Wrong thread my friend


Not if you're being eaten to death by a hippo.
 
2014-06-09 07:26:10 AM

freetomato: Part me out, cremate me, and toss my ashes in the river.

They combed my dad's hair wrong. It bothered me a lot.


They did that to my last year. They gave her an old lady perm. She never had one ever.
 
2014-06-09 07:27:24 AM
The horrifying thing is the total lack of ethics in the funeral industry. They make used car salesmen look honest.
 
2014-06-09 07:29:33 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g91OXPBWrFw 
"Departures" is a nice film on the subject of care of the body for funeral services.
 
2014-06-09 07:31:00 AM

picturescrazy: freetomato: Part me out, cremate me, and toss my ashes in the river.

They combed my dad's hair wrong. It bothered me a lot.

They did that to my last year. They gave her an old lady perm. She never had one ever.


Grandma
 
2014-06-09 07:33:06 AM

doglover: I kind of want to be eaten by bears. I have this theory about physics and immortality. Maybe my DNA can't turn me into a bear, but a bear's colon can. Better than a pine box.


I think kind of along these lines. I am fine with the idea of my atoms being recycled through the ecosystem. I kind of like the idea of on land bury my body without any embalming or other preservation either in a basic wooden box or just as a body and plant a tree on my grave. Or, if at sea, tie a stone to me and drop me overboard. Let nature do the rest. Feel free to harvest any useable organs before hand. 

Not that anything will matter to me when I'm dead (or I guess I'll be rather surprised to discover there is anything to consciousness or "soul" continuing after death, since while I suspect there is no such thing, I don't claim to know for certain nor do I particularly worry about it). But I do like the idea of my remains contributing something back to an ecosystem rather than being sealed and preserved in a more typical grave.
 
2014-06-09 07:41:22 AM
Viewings seem weird to me. I don't know what there is to gain from looking at someone's corpse once they are dead. You'd probably be better off looking at a photo of them taken when they were alive if you want to make some last ditch effort to somehow imprint someone into your memory.

If you tell me that the deceased is in the box, I'm willing to take your word for it, I don't need to see to make sure.
 
2014-06-09 07:44:56 AM

Nidiot: Viewings seem weird to me. I don't know what there is to gain from looking at someone's corpse once they are dead. You'd probably be better off looking at a photo of them taken when they were alive if you want to make some last ditch effort to somehow imprint someone into your memory.

If you tell me that the deceased is in the box, I'm willing to take your word for it, I don't need to see to make sure.


This.
 
2014-06-09 07:49:54 AM
#6 - You will amass an impressive, 21 victory winning streak, only for Paul Heyman's client, BROCK LESNAR, to conquer it.
 
2014-06-09 07:51:05 AM

dittybopper: zarker: Emposter: It's a list of shiat everyone already knows.  Why did they even bother writing that?

Cracked has been pretty low quality as of late

As of late?

Cracked was the magazine you bypassed to get to the higher quality, and funnier, Mad magazine.

Oh, occasionally they had an issue that was funnier than Mad, but not usually.


A required reference volume for the library:
s.ecrater.com
 
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