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(Anchorage Daily News)   Enjoy your morning cup of joe. The coffee industry in South America is nearing its death throes thanks to pestilence and drought   (adn.com) divider line 73
    More: Scary, Central America, break even point, national emergency, Guatemala City, Calderon  
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4843 clicks; posted to Main » on 01 Jun 2014 at 2:08 PM (15 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



73 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2014-06-01 02:05:21 PM
I only drink fair trade, organic, gluten free, paleo diet friendly, artisanal, free range tea. I'd tell you the brand but you've never heard of it.
 
2014-06-01 02:09:26 PM
Pssh. I'm an American. I get whatever I want.
 
2014-06-01 02:10:45 PM

Peter von Nostrand: I only drink fair trade, organic, gluten free, paleo diet friendly, artisanal, free range tea. I'd tell you the brand but you've never heard of it.


Real paleo-coffee comes from the sky.
 
2014-06-01 02:18:15 PM
Wasn't there so e trader that bought over a billion in cocoa to be warehoused for years due to cocoa groups going away as well?
 
2014-06-01 02:19:59 PM
Jokes on you! All Starbucks ever uses were burnt pencil shavings this whole time!
 
2014-06-01 02:20:00 PM

wildcardjack: Peter von Nostrand: I only drink fair trade, organic, gluten free, paleo diet friendly, artisanal, free range tea. I'd tell you the brand but you've never heard of it.

Real paleo-coffee comes from the sky.


True paleo coffee comes from berries that are picked from the feces of wild animals.
 
2014-06-01 02:20:20 PM
And bananas are about to go extinct, right.

If only there were some way to modify plants via some sort of modification at the genetic level.
 
2014-06-01 02:20:22 PM
Argueta, like many farmers, is replacing his old trees with new coffee plants that better resist the rust

Ho ho hold it right there, pal. Those aren't GMO plants are they?
 
2014-06-01 02:21:15 PM
I'll help all you farkers out with a summary.

They used to harvest Trenta bags of beans now they only get Tall bags of beans.
 
2014-06-01 02:21:31 PM
Sure they're blaming it on "climate change." Fake, they've got tons of beans and are trying to artificially raise the prices. Nice try Juan Valdez!
 
2014-06-01 02:22:11 PM
JoieD'Zen: wildcardjack: Peter von Nostrand: I only drink fair trade, organic, gluten free, paleo diet friendly, artisanal, free range tea. I'd tell you the brand but you've never heard of it.

Real paleo-coffee comes from the sky.

True paleo coffee comes from beans  that are picked from the feces of wild animals.

/fixed
 
ecl
2014-06-01 02:23:02 PM

jjorsett: Argueta, like many farmers, is replacing his old trees with new coffee plants that better resist the rust

Ho ho hold it right there, pal. Those aren't GMO plants are they?


But soon coffee drinkers will be more resistant to rust.  Silver Lining.
 
2014-06-01 02:23:21 PM

whither_apophis: Sure they're blaming it on "climate change." Fake, they've got tons of beans and are trying to artificially raise the prices. Nice try Juan Valdez!


You know it's the burro right? He is an honest farmer, that burro has been trying to switch the plantation over to cocaine for years.
 
2014-06-01 02:23:59 PM
The article says nothing about the industry being in death throes, and in fact makes it seem like a pretty manageable problem, not to mention a lot of the problem is due to old-ass trees that need to be replaced anyway.
 
2014-06-01 02:28:18 PM
who cares. 5 hour energy and a cup of tea.
 
2014-06-01 02:28:45 PM

TV's Vinnie: Jokes on you! All Starbucks ever uses were burnt pencil shavings this whole time!


LMAO.. the joke is REALLY on you!!! They weren't burnt! That was just the lead from the pencil coloring the wood!  Think they were REALLY going to waste the time and money of lighting a flame to toast pencil shavings?
Geeeeeez, wanna buy some bridges?
How about a unicorn? He's got papers!!!!!
 
2014-06-01 02:30:21 PM
That's unfortunate, but I only keep coffee around the house for guests. I gave up drinking coffee and fizzy soda drinks a year ago, and lost 4 inches off my waist.
 
2014-06-01 02:31:05 PM
ts2.mm.bing.net
Thats OK I don't drink coffee.
 
2014-06-01 02:35:42 PM
Coffee rust?

media.tumblr.com

Noooooo!
 
2014-06-01 02:36:03 PM

JoieD'Zen: wildcardjack: Peter von Nostrand: I only drink fair trade, organic, gluten free, paleo diet friendly, artisanal, free range tea. I'd tell you the brand but you've never heard of it.

Real paleo-coffee comes from the sky.

True paleo coffee comes from berries that are picked from the feces of wild animals.


Which have been pre-inserted into my rectum for a more "personal" coffee.
 
2014-06-01 02:37:29 PM
Pestilence and drought? And we have the coffee already.

Throw in one more and we have pestilence, drought, caffeine, and cocaine, the four horsemen of the South American apocalypse.
 
2014-06-01 02:42:37 PM

TV's Vinnie: Jokes on you! All Starbucks ever uses were burnt pencil shavings this whole time!


With South American coffee, you can't tell the difference anyway.  As long as my supply of Sumatran is okay, I'm not worried.
 
2014-06-01 02:52:00 PM
I only enjoy a very special blend from Kona Hawaii. Each individual bean is harvested only when a humpback whale is visible breaching the waters surface. Sometimes the Virgins who are harvesting the beans wait hours or days between picking a bean.

The beans are then dried by the light given off by a full moon. Although if it ends up being the harvest moon the whole batch is thrown away because of the disapproval of the moon goddess.

The dried beans are then roasted over the burning corpses from dead hookers.

Finally i grind them in a conical burr grinder and place them into a silk filter inside my white Westinghouse drip coffee maker.
 
2014-06-01 02:52:32 PM
Poor subby, so scared of the deniers that they don't dare use the phrase "global warming."

/and by "deniers" I mean "fellow environmentalists who will tear him apart like sharks in a feeding frenzy for not using the correct term 'climate change'"
//or if he did use "climate change" they'd attack him for not calling it "global warming"
///pass the popcorn, dis gun b gud
 
2014-06-01 03:00:57 PM
I blame monoculture and a general money over quality series of issues. Also, the sheer karma of what big business was allowed to get away with in "Latin America" (lulz colonialism) should have to do with some of this.
 
2014-06-01 03:02:51 PM
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *gasp* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *pant* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 
2014-06-01 03:04:47 PM
Better get used to this:

www.healthysupplies.co.uk
 
gja [TotalFark]
2014-06-01 03:05:43 PM

ecl: jjorsett: Argueta, like many farmers, is replacing his old trees with new coffee plants that better resist the rust

Ho ho hold it right there, pal. Those aren't GMO plants are they?

But soon coffee drinkers will be more resistant to rust.  Silver Lining.


Really? Hey hey..my my....
 
2014-06-01 03:05:46 PM

Mouser: TV's Vinnie: Jokes on you! All Starbucks ever uses were burnt pencil shavings this whole time!

With South American coffee, you can't tell the difference anyway.  As long as my supply of Sumatran is okay, I'm not worried.


I once had an office mate from Brazil whose favorite coffee was Taster's Choice(?!), drunk with what looked like a half a cup of sugar per cup. He'd probably be hurting more if the sugar cane crop were in trouble.
 
2014-06-01 03:06:19 PM

Tatterdemalian: Poor subby, so scared of the deniers that they don't dare use the phrase "global warming."


I hate the term denier. Heretic, please. Climate Heretic.

Wait a minute... Caffeine comes from coffee beans... WTF?

SOMETIME MUST BE DONE ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE NOW!
 
2014-06-01 03:06:34 PM

Claude Ballse: Better get used to this:

[www.healthysupplies.co.uk image 300x400]


I'm probably going to have to switch to meth if this really goes down.
 
2014-06-01 03:07:36 PM
We need to jack up taxes on coffee, that should solve it.

Where's Algore?
 
2014-06-01 03:09:44 PM
Since I buy only Italian coffee I should be ok.

Also, I like my coffee like I like my women: served to me by another woman.
 
2014-06-01 03:17:43 PM
So, Windup Girl isn't fiction?
 
2014-06-01 03:18:46 PM
Guatemala and El Salvador aren't South America.

/stupid American
 
2014-06-01 03:23:31 PM

wildcardjack: Peter von Nostrand: I only drink fair trade, organic, gluten free, paleo diet friendly, artisanal, free range tea. I'd tell you the brand but you've never heard of it.

Real paleo-coffee comes from the sky.


Well, the gods must be crazy.
 
2014-06-01 03:23:50 PM

Porous Horace: Since I buy only Italian coffee I should be ok.

Also, I like my coffee like I like my women: served to me by another woman.


Uh, coffee doesn't grow in Italy. They buy it from other places, like South America.
 
2014-06-01 03:26:00 PM
That's okay, I like the Colombian coffee, which is in South America.
Not Central America, which was the focus of this article (subby geography fail on title).
 
2014-06-01 03:26:29 PM

TV's Vinnie: Jokes on you! All Starbucks ever uses were burnt pencil shavings this whole time!


This, and at least the Central American countries keep all the good stuff for themselves.

Go to Costa Rica and have some coffee. Now go buy "Costa Rican" coffee at $20 / lb at Coffee Bean, and Tea Leaf.

/ it's sad
// time for another Costa Rican vacation
/// not drinking 100 cups of coffee though
 
2014-06-01 03:27:02 PM

Lydia_C: Mouser: TV's Vinnie: Jokes on you! All Starbucks ever uses were burnt pencil shavings this whole time!

With South American coffee, you can't tell the difference anyway.  As long as my supply of Sumatran is okay, I'm not worried.

I once had an office mate from Brazil whose favorite coffee was Taster's Choice(?!), drunk with what looked like a half a cup of sugar per cup. He'd probably be hurting more if the sugar cane crop were in trouble.


The only reason to be putting milk or sugar in coffee is if you have crappy coffee to begin with.
 
2014-06-01 03:27:50 PM
Coffee prices are way down, tho
 
2014-06-01 03:33:13 PM

uber humper: Coffee prices are way down, tho


Not if you want good stuff. High quality beans (Costa Rican, Guatemalan) cost more than ever.
 
2014-06-01 03:36:21 PM
GMO up some rust-tolerant coffee plants. Problem solved AND coffee can taste like bacon if we want it to.
 
2014-06-01 03:42:57 PM

CruJones: The article says nothing about the industry being in death throes, and in fact makes it seem like a pretty manageable problem, not to mention a lot of the problem is due to old-ass trees that need to be replaced anyway.


Thanks for putting in the hyphen. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to have an image of old ass-trees clanging around in my noggin.
 
2014-06-01 03:56:10 PM

xevian: Which have been pre-inserted into my rectum for a more "personal" coffee.


Hmm, Coffee Bean Suppository. Brilliant!
 
2014-06-01 03:58:06 PM
Touch my Kona coffee and I will cut you.
 
2014-06-01 04:08:42 PM

Stoker: xevian: Which have been pre-inserted into my rectum for a more "personal" coffee.

Hmm, Coffee Bean Suppository. Brilliant!


www.slantmagazine.com

It worked so well for heroin, why not?

tn.new.fishki.net

Oh, yeah ... That's why not.
 
2014-06-01 04:10:04 PM

Stoker: xevian: Which have been pre-inserted into my rectum for a more "personal" coffee.

Hmm, Coffee Bean Suppository. Brilliant!


It will be available... In the future!

img.photobucket.com

s2.quickmeme.com
 
2014-06-01 04:22:39 PM
Three pounds of Jamaican Blue Mountain in my freezer from this guy...

3.bp.blogspot.com

Seriously. He is a friend and a great guy. I'll be getting some more in November. Hey Thunder!
 
2014-06-01 04:25:06 PM

Rigby-Reardon: I only enjoy a very special blend from Kona Hawaii. Each individual bean is harvested only when a humpback whale is visible breaching the waters surface. Sometimes the Virgins who are harvesting the beans wait hours or days between picking a bean.

The beans are then dried by the light given off by a full moon. Although if it ends up being the harvest moon the whole batch is thrown away because of the disapproval of the moon goddess.

The dried beans are then roasted over the burning corpses from dead hookers.

Finally i grind them in a conical burr grinder and place them into a silk filter inside my white Westinghouse drip coffee maker.


*slow clap*
That was... masterful!
 
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