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(The Dating Specialist)   In this online edition of Cosmo for Men: "10 Playful Teases That Women Secretly Love". Yeah... not so much   (thedatingspecialist.com) divider line 67
    More: Fail, Secret Love  
•       •       •

13481 clicks; posted to Main » on 25 May 2014 at 3:34 PM (16 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2014-05-25 03:40:21 PM
11 votes:
I tell them about how I devastatingly took down some guy's argument on Fark.  Chicks like guys who hang around the internet.
2014-05-25 03:51:42 PM
7 votes:

thespindrifter: Ah, the treasured "Neg'"... seems to work perfectly on all the non-lesbo feminazis with low self esteem, but exponentially so if you are 1) rich, 2) built like Dwayne Johnson, 3) all of the above.

imgs.xkcd.com


There's an xkcd for every Fark thread.
2014-05-25 03:40:12 PM
7 votes:
Ask her if she is on her period, and make sure to call her fat.
2014-05-25 04:37:20 PM
6 votes:

Mark Ratner: I just whip out my wrecking ball of a dick, and the broads just fall over with their legs in the air.


Probably from the stench.
2014-05-25 04:28:58 PM
6 votes:
Usually I just sidle up to a lady at the bar and slide her a notecard containing my entire Fark ignore list.

"A lot of those guys said something vaguely mysoginistic," I say, with a smile and a wink.
2014-05-25 04:08:06 PM
6 votes:
"A+++ Website, would log in again"--E. Rodger, Santa Barbara CA
2014-05-25 05:16:54 PM
5 votes:
www.bothfavorites.com
2014-05-25 04:41:24 PM
5 votes:
11. Drop your pants, light your pubes on fire, and shout, "You want some of this?" Chicks dig that shiat.
2014-05-25 03:41:58 PM
5 votes:

listernine: My favorite tease is "It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again". That's not an euphamism.


Let me show you mine:

i53.photobucket.com
2014-05-25 03:34:53 PM
5 votes:
I just whip out my wrecking ball of a dick, and the broads just fall over with their legs in the air.
2014-05-25 05:36:52 PM
4 votes:

Heraclitus: "10 things a woman's gay friend might say"


i.imgur.com
2014-05-25 05:13:19 PM
4 votes:
Give her a silly nickname.

I get enough of this at work. Do you want to be treated like the iron workers who do this?

Point out something embarrassing or nerdy about her.

Ahahah. Oh hilarious. The Hawkeye painting on canvas, massive Iron man poster, Giger lithograph, and multiple shelves of comic books have suggested I'm a nerd. Oh hahah. Funny. Go away.

Mimic or mock her.

This is why I dumped my drink your lap.

Challenge her.

Unless this is to strip mario kart, think again.

Treat her like a child.

GET YOUR SHIAT AND GET OUT.

Roleplay with her.

Grab your dice, we're doing this right.

Stereotype her in a humorous way.

LEAVE.

Tell her you wouldn't get along.

Judging by this list, you are my nemesis, so yeah we're not getting along.

Disagree with something she said.

Citation needed. Bring facts or don't bother.

Accuse her of hitting on you or being sexually aggressive.

Unless I'm doing this:

i.imgur.com

Then no.
2014-05-25 04:23:08 PM
4 votes:

ReverendJynxed: audiblesmile: Or how about being yourself and not a fraud. Pretty pathetic to have to act or trick someone into liking you.

[i.telegraph.co.uk image 620x387]
Approves.


"Upon reflection. I believe that I could squarely best you in a game of Scrabble. Furthermore, since we both share a fondness for drinking liquids. I declare you my closest companion. When will you provide me with sex?"
2014-05-25 03:52:20 PM
4 votes:
img.fark.net
2014-05-25 03:41:13 PM
4 votes:

Mark Ratner: I just whip out my wrecking ball of a dick, and the broads just fall over with their legs in the air.


Slam pieces don't like it when you call them broads.

/i just wanted to say slam pieces for once
//how did i do?
2014-05-25 03:39:16 PM
4 votes:
My favorite tease is "It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again". That's not an euphamism.
2014-05-25 03:38:38 PM
4 votes:
derek.broox.com
Got your nose!

I want to have your babbys!!
2014-05-25 02:17:27 PM
4 votes:
My reaction to each:

Fark you.
Fark you sideways.
With a rutabaga.
Yeah, because the most attractive thing is to hear how a guy could whip your ass if he wanted.  Might as well wear an A-Shirt, too.
I'm running out of ways to say Fark You, here.
Great advice if you're looking for a beard.
What a goddamn douchebag.
You're right.  I enjoy the company of men.
You're gay.  Which is fine - so am I.
Dream on, Studman.
2014-05-25 08:20:36 PM
3 votes:

im14u2c: Your newsletter:  one subscription, please!

/I'm using my Wii wheel!
//not a euphemism


Naturally there should be a discussion about Rainbow Road beforehand. I suggest pulling the jump off is automatic no pants. Which person loses their pants is up to negotiation.

Fafai: Yes because women are known for being direct and honest about their needs and their feelings. Women would hate it if guys started to expect this kind of upfront honesty.


Hey man not all of us treat this as a game. I'm aromantic, I'm not here to p*ssyfoot around.

Snarfangel: Ha, I see you can't hold your liquor!


blogs.lavozdegalicia.es

You know how it is sometimes.
2014-05-25 06:03:00 PM
3 votes:

Raspil: what does it say about the guys wanting to pick up this kind of girl?


Are you not acquainted with the misunderstandings of children?

img.mylot.com
2014-05-25 04:45:46 PM
3 votes:

LoneWolf343: Mark Ratner: I just whip out my wrecking ball of a dick, and the broads just fall over with their legs in the air.

Probably from the stench.


But I use axe body spray, and I wear a gold chain necklace.
2014-05-25 04:04:24 PM
3 votes:
What is wrong with roofies?
2014-05-25 04:02:12 PM
3 votes:
These only work if you remember to take the t-tops out of your Camaro so you can yell them at girls with your Mr. Microphone. Chicks dig that shiat.
2014-05-25 04:00:07 PM
3 votes:
Offer her something activity-focused: "Hey, you wanna come and help me bury what I drug out of here last night?"
2014-05-25 03:58:51 PM
3 votes:
This sounds like a list compiled by one of those douches who teach the How to pick up women classes at the  Learning Annex

Ask her about her father. If she says anything positive MOVE ON!
2014-05-25 03:39:35 PM
3 votes:
Play hard to get....
Like a boss.


Wait! WAIT!!
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!!
2014-05-26 12:29:56 AM
2 votes:

Hyjamon: thespindrifter: ciberido: thespindrifter: Ah, the treasured "Neg'"... seems to work perfectly on all the non-lesbo feminazis with low self esteem, but exponentially so if you are 1) rich, 2) built like Dwayne Johnson, 3) all of the above.

There's an xkcd for every Fark thread.

Too bad the percentage of women who could actually be smart enough to pull that off is so substantially small that it pretty much never happens in real life. That cartoon right there is nothing more than a Joss Wheadon "Ass kicking hot chick" absurdist fantasy.

If that were even remotely real, the club and bar 'scene' would disappear overnight. The reason why abusive assholes continue to exist is because women love it. Betas finish last, and Alphas win by basically using this exact ploy.

The real trick is to find the middle ground between being a sucker of a nice guy or turning into a tool. It's a rare skill.

I recall a bit about this topic....Women say they hate pick-up lines, but they have all heard one they loved. I would bet half the women in here wouldn't be sitting next to your guy tonight if it weren't because of some lame pick-up line.

it is tough to talk to women (or anyone for that matter) with a cold open, so you have to start somewhere, hence the cheesy lame pick-up line opposed to asking about someones opinion on the reconstruction of Germany following the second world war.


If a male came up to me and asked me my opinion on the reconstruction of Germany after WWII as his cold open, I would grab him and drag him back to my place without further ado.

/to show him my impressive collection of European history books
//if you know what I mean
///no, really, I've got some pretty cool volumes
2014-05-25 10:41:19 PM
2 votes:

ladyfortuna: taurusowner: You can NEVER expect people to understand a message you didn't give them. If you want someone to know something, tell them. Be direct. Tell the truth. Use clear sentences and facts. Tell them what you're thinking. The "hints and signals" thing is a farked up game women play when they're too timid to tell someone what they're thinking, or don't want to feel bad about a confrontation. So they drop hints hoping the guy will somehow read their mind and just guess correctly what he thinks she wants him to do but didn't actually tell him. Then she pushes the blame onto the guy for not getting it, much like what you are doing now.

Want someone to understand something? Farking tell them. Stop the hints and signals bullshiat and use your words to convey and idea like an adult. If you can't do that, it's your fault when things get messed up, not the guy's.

So, what would you say to a situation that is reversed? ie, the female is direct and the man gets super cagey?


He is married.
2014-05-25 10:05:53 PM
2 votes:

bingethinker: If a woman feels degraded by that, she's doing me a favor if she stays away from me.


I'm pretty sure everybody wins in that situation.  *tips fedora chivalrously*
2014-05-25 07:26:34 PM
2 votes:
Gently mock her by ridiculing her ideas in office meetings.  When she starts to speak, sigh loudly and mutter, "Not again....." under your breath.
2014-05-25 06:55:39 PM
2 votes:
s3-ec.buzzfed.com
2014-05-25 05:12:07 PM
2 votes:

Benevolent Misanthrope: My reaction to each:

Fark you.
Fark you sideways.
With a rutabaga.
Yeah, because the most attractive thing is to hear how a guy could whip your ass if he wanted.  Might as well wear an A-Shirt, too.
I'm running out of ways to say Fark You, here.
Great advice if you're looking for a beard.
What a goddamn douchebag.
You're right.  I enjoy the company of men.
You're gay.  Which is fine - so am I.
Dream on, Studman.


You're such a brat.
2014-05-25 04:36:18 PM
2 votes:
My favorite playful ice-breaker is to sneak up and snap her bra strap through her shirt. Easy to execute, funny and sexy.
2014-05-25 04:15:46 PM
2 votes:

audiblesmile: Or how about being yourself and not a fraud. Pretty pathetic to have to act or trick someone into liking you.


i.telegraph.co.uk
Approves.
2014-05-25 04:15:11 PM
2 votes:
It really isn't that hard guys. Follow the basic guidelines and you will be OK:

*practice good hygiene
*dress nice
*be polite
*have a huge schlong with warts on the tip
2014-05-25 03:45:24 PM
2 votes:
Be a dick to women, huh?

I see plenty of dudes who are dicks that are also in relationships with women. Maybe that's my issue; I don't treat women like shiat.

/ your sarcasm detector should sound like it's having a stroke
2014-05-25 03:45:11 PM
2 votes:
Wow.  The only women who fall for this crap are covered by rule #1; "Don't go to bed with someone who has more problems than you do."

Seriously,  this is from some sort of "players' handbook", and guarantees that you'll spend all your time in the company of 'daddy issues' girls.  I would rather stick a spoon in my eye than get involved with a needy, clingy, insecure woman who would fall for that nonsense.
2014-05-26 12:37:39 AM
1 votes:
Hyjamon:

to be fair, everyone needs practice.  how many of us got with someone once for a night and they were wanting to get married on the second date? (lesbians excluded)


Who said anything about getting married? Life's just fine with a FWB or two or three and the occasional hot tub party.
2014-05-26 12:24:03 AM
1 votes:
Tommy Moo:
You clearly have no idea what the community is like. Those stats aren't anywhere near reality, so I'm going to spell it out from my own life for you: I approached hundreds of girls in college. By the time I graduated, I had kissed five or six and slept with three, in four years (all "plain Jane's, as you put it.) In grad school I got into Game and both the quantity and quality skyrocketed. You're suggesting the batting average for PUAs is around .010? Mine was more like .500 for a phone number, .300 for a kiss, and .200 for a "full close." One out of every five girls I approaced I ended up farking. That's a twenty fold increase in success rate. You want this stuff to not work, but you ...

So what percentage thought it was good enough to come back for more than one round?

There's a reason some of you need to play for numbers.
2014-05-25 11:07:05 PM
1 votes:

mudesi: What guys who use this "pick up artist" bullshiat see in themselves:

[ultimatejamesbond.files.wordpress.com image 370x333]


What any woman with any self esteem sees:

[blogs.ocweekly.com image 314x314]


2.bp.blogspot.com

/GTFOML
2014-05-25 10:59:00 PM
1 votes:
What guys who use this "pick up artist" bullshiat see in themselves:

ultimatejamesbond.files.wordpress.com


What any woman with any self esteem sees:

blogs.ocweekly.com
2014-05-25 10:55:35 PM
1 votes:

o'really: StoPPeRmobile: o'really: 99.998er: It really isn't that hard guys. Follow the basic guidelines and you will be OK:

*practice good hygiene
*dress nice
*be polite
*have a huge schlong with warts on the tip

Ribbed for her pleasure?

Didn't you read the article?

I did, but i have a shiat memory.

Refresh me please?


I had a joke when I posted but I forgot.
2014-05-25 10:07:33 PM
1 votes:

PsiChick: thespindrifter: ciberido: thespindrifter: Ah, the treasured "Neg'"... seems to work perfectly on all the non-lesbo feminazis with low self esteem, but exponentially so if you are 1) rich, 2) built like Dwayne Johnson, 3) all of the above.

There's an xkcd for every Fark thread.

Too bad the percentage of women who could actually be smart enough to pull that off is so substantially small that it pretty much never happens in real life. That cartoon right there is nothing more than a Joss Wheadon "Ass kicking hot chick" absurdist fantasy.

If that were even remotely real, the club and bar 'scene' would disappear overnight. The reason why abusive assholes continue to exist is because women love it. Betas finish last, and Alphas win by basically using this exact ploy.

The real trick is to find the middle ground between being a sucker of a nice guy or turning into a tool. It's a rare skill.

'Alphas' and 'Betas' don't even exist in the wild, the studies showing that about wolves used wolves that weren't from the same pack or even area and were herded into zoos. I'm not even going into why you want to mimic animal behavior. Seriously, is it  that hard to go to a bar or set up a Fetlife account and say 'hey, want to go have sex?'. No-strings-attached sex is a thing, and yes, there are women willing to sleep with even your needy, pathetic ass.


What about Omegas? Because I'm pretty confident about my chances if I'm the last man on earth. At least, from what women tell me.
2014-05-25 08:52:42 PM
1 votes:
1. You're sad.

2. You're really sad.

3. Are you twelve?

4. Oh, sorry. You're actually five.

5. I'm probably going to end the evening by kicking your arse.

6. God, I wish I hadn't forgotten my Taser...

7. Great. You're as stupid as you are desperate.

8. Reverse psychology? For the record, when I said "no," it wasn't reverse psychology.

9. Please go away now.

10. I'm going to kick you in the junk, now, and it's not a display of affection.

Alternative for those who wish to maybe get laid: "Hi, I'm [insert name here]. Can I buy you a drink?" (Notice: ONE DRINK. While getting her sloshed might help some of you, it's generally not recommended, and you won't have spent a fortune on a dead end if she's not into you.) Follow with asking her name, where she's from, and about her interests and have a normal, non-awkward conversation before asking for her number. You're welcome, gentlemen.
2014-05-25 07:16:12 PM
1 votes:
None of that stuff works without sending her a "Love Is..." cartoon every day.
2014-05-25 06:45:50 PM
1 votes:
Speaking from some experience, installing Linux on her iPod is not one of them.
2014-05-25 06:10:14 PM
1 votes:

Raspil: what does it say about the guys wanting to pick up this kind of girl?  he's just as f*cked up as she is.  he doesn't value himself, either.  or did that not occur to you, that men can be broken pieces of sh*t as well?  and did you ever consider HOW those girls got to be that way?  odds are, at the hands of other men.  none of you will ever take responsibility for how you destroy the females of this planet, ever.  how convenient.


Now I am pedobearapproved, destroyer of women
2014-05-25 06:01:25 PM
1 votes:
Here's a pickup technique I've used before. I watch as a PUA type hits on a girl, if he falls flat on his face because his game is retarded, I go up the girl afterward and ask for details and make fun of him. If he gets the girl's number, I write her off.
2014-05-25 05:40:38 PM
1 votes:

JRoo: Those kind of magazines just objectify men.

Only sick women read them.


Strike that, reverse it. Oh nevermind.
2014-05-25 05:34:18 PM
1 votes:

The Larch: When did "beta" become a slur?

Seriously, outside the PUA threads, I've never heard or seen anyone get called a beta before. What the hell is going on?


Considering Beta fish are farking psycho assholes who kill each other.
2014-05-25 05:33:38 PM
1 votes:

Bonobo62: 11. Drop your pants, light your pubes on fire, and shout, "You want some of this?" Chicks dig that shiat.


You jest, but Japanese exchange students taught me about jungle fire. They would apply styling mousse to pubes then ignite. It was a regular occurrence up at Western.
2014-05-25 05:26:34 PM
1 votes:
When did "beta" become a slur?

Seriously, outside the PUA threads, I've never heard or seen anyone get called a beta before. What the hell is going on?
2014-05-25 05:16:03 PM
1 votes:

Clemkadidlefark: How women liked to be touched .. their name on this card .. your account ..

[3.bp.blogspot.com image 500x275]


The race card works?
2014-05-25 04:52:54 PM
1 votes:

bingethinker: Fail tag must be for Subby, who squats in the basement and never kids around with women.

You got all that from a 19 word headline?

c1.staticflickr.com

/I don't like roofies.
//They taste bad.
2014-05-25 04:44:50 PM
1 votes:

Terpsichore: To all the sad sacks pulling the "hot guys are never creepy" bullshiat -- i say BULLshiat.

Look at Elliot Rodger, cute, expensive car, rich parents and going to school right off the beach. Women stayed away in droves -- because he was a creep.


The ironic thing is if he had survived his little rampage, there are some women who would do him because of it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hybristophilia
2014-05-25 04:36:43 PM
1 votes:

thespindrifter: Jim_Callahan: Someone should probably tell this guy that negging doesn't actually  work.  Sure, sometimes you'll still get laid, but it's more an "in spite of" thing where the woman is also there looking to get laid and she knows she won't have to put up with your annoying habits for more than a couple hours.

It'll rarely if ever  increase your chances, beyond just padding out the conversation a bit.

If negging doesn't work, then please explain to me why it's the oldest and most used tool in the PUA's toolbox? Yeah, about that: women who hang out in bars are damaged goods. They are either there to drown their sorrows, or like you said: to get laid. The kind of women who pick up strange from bars have esteem issues, and are easily manipulated by screwing with their self worth. They want to believe that they are doing the choosing, and rejection weakens them. I've seen it done over and over again for decades. The best manipulator wins every time. Women with baggage are ripe for the picking by a pickup artist, and that is the bulk of women who need a bar to find a lay.


Do you find being a narrow minded blow hard helps to attract women?
2014-05-25 04:33:32 PM
1 votes:

audiblesmile: buckler: ReverendJynxed: audiblesmile: Or how about being yourself and not a fraud. Pretty pathetic to have to act or trick someone into liking you.

[i.telegraph.co.uk image 620x387]
Approves.

"Upon reflection. I believe that I could squarely best you in a game of Scrabble. Furthermore, since we both share a fondness for drinking liquids. I declare you my closest companion. When will you provide me with sex?"

You will have to first, best me at scramble. I will then consider allowing you to do the sex at me.


Haha. Oops. Looks like an easy scrabble win for you.....
2014-05-25 04:31:22 PM
1 votes:

buckler: ReverendJynxed: audiblesmile: Or how about being yourself and not a fraud. Pretty pathetic to have to act or trick someone into liking you.

[i.telegraph.co.uk image 620x387]
Approves.

"Upon reflection. I believe that I could squarely best you in a game of Scrabble. Furthermore, since we both share a fondness for drinking liquids. I declare you my closest companion. When will you provide me with sex?"


You will have to first, best me at scramble. I will then consider allowing you to do the sex at me.
2014-05-25 04:15:45 PM
1 votes:
This is a list of 10 ways to get friendzon'd
2014-05-25 04:04:50 PM
1 votes:
Wow, I don't even know where to begin. This kind of shallow, trite "advice" sounds like it's straight out of a high school locker room.

What ever happened to treating women (whether you're interested in them romantically or not) like human beings? There's no friggin' formula for romance. It boils down to whether or not you actually give a crap.

Mean-spirited, but I hope the article writer is incapable of reproduction.
2014-05-25 03:59:21 PM
1 votes:

Benevolent Misanthrope: My reaction to each:

Fark you.
Fark you sideways.
With a rutabaga.
Yeah, because the most attractive thing is to hear how a guy could whip your ass if he wanted.  Might as well wear an A-Shirt, too.
I'm running out of ways to say Fark You, here.
Great advice if you're looking for a beard.
What a goddamn douchebag.
You're right.  I enjoy the company of men.
You're gay.  Which is fine - so am I.
Dream on, Studman.


Aw you're cute.  How's about you whip up an order of pancakes and we talk about how many babies you'll make me?

/I kid
//wants French toast instead
2014-05-25 03:48:40 PM
1 votes:

bingethinker: Rapmaster2000: Mark Ratner: I just whip out my wrecking ball of a dick, and the broads just fall over with their legs in the air.

Slam pieces don't like it when you call them broads.

/i just wanted to say slam pieces for once
//how did i do?

Hey, chicks don't like it when you call them slam pieces.


If there's been one downside to being a farker it's that I learned of the existence of the term "slam-piece."
2014-05-25 03:47:12 PM
1 votes:
At first, I was like 'this guy's from Boston, everyone from Boston's an arsehole.'

And then I remembered that I have a pudgy ginger friend who's from Boston and has plenty of success with women and is currently dating a very attractive, nice, millionaire.

Generally speaking, though, a few of these are fine.

Number 4 (challenge her to something silly) and Number 10 (accusing her of hitting on you) are fine.

Whatever.

I was having a heart to heart with my roommate. He was all 'Brett, why don't we have girlfriends?' And I was all 'when was the last time you asked a girl out?' and he hadn't done it.  Within a few months, we both had girlfriends after being like 'oh, we should ask a girl out if we like her.'


The main thing about PUA and all that crap is that it forces you to actually ask girls out. So, yes, going from not asking girls out to asking them out is going to increase your success.

Talk to girls and be someone they like to be around (which depends on what kind of girl they are). Don't be creepy. At some point ask them out on a date. It's as simple as that.

Anyone who says differently is selling something.
2014-05-25 03:45:20 PM
1 votes:
Ah, the treasured "Neg'"... seems to work perfectly on all the non-lesbo feminazis with low self esteem, but exponentially so if you are 1) rich, 2) built like Dwayne Johnson, 3) all of the above.

/Wymyn just *love* abusive doucenozzle assholes.
2014-05-25 03:45:14 PM
1 votes:
Roleplay with her.
"You like Dr. Who? We're officially best friends now." (put your arm around her)
"That's it, we're breaking up - I want my letterman jacket back!"


Umm, what?  Letter jacket?
2014-05-25 03:43:30 PM
1 votes:
Yes, treat a woman you want to date like a child.  I wonder if that virgin whack job followed some of those to the q t.
2014-05-25 03:40:32 PM
1 votes:
"Can you please stop checking out my ass?"

Why would I say that?
 
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