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(Washington Post)   Dear Prudie, our 12-year-old mistook the sounds of her parents' violent bedroom sexytime for spousal abuse, and ratted us out to her teacher. Wat do?   (live.washingtonpost.com ) divider line 76
    More: Unlikely, student teachers, sadomasochists, teachers  
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12393 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 May 2014 at 4:17 PM (1 year ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



76 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

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2014-05-19 02:25:45 PM  
She's 12 years old.  It should be an easy conversation.

Mom:  "Honey, you know the slapping you hear?  Well, those are slaps but the only marks your stepfather are leaving on me from slapping are on dat ass..."
Daughter: "Ew."
Mom:  "Yeah, 'ew'.  Now go explain it to your teacher so I don't have to.
 
2014-05-19 02:33:34 PM  
I'm not sure which is worse, the Dear Prudence dreck or the Anon-DIT crap on here
 
2014-05-19 02:41:54 PM  

somedude210: I'm not sure which is worse, the Dear Prudence dreck or the Anon-DIT crap on here


I know.  If people really need help, they should be going to 4chan /adv.
 
2014-05-19 03:08:42 PM  
www.nerdist.com

 I'm going to scream so loud, you'll hear me clear across the Narrow Sea.

 I got to get outta here, pronto. I got a stage five clinger.
 
2014-05-19 03:24:26 PM  
Next time, push her out the open window of the tower.
 
2014-05-19 03:29:49 PM  

somedude210: I'm not sure which is worse, the Dear Prudence dreck or the Anon-DIT crap on here


I know!  And the answers are so obvious and easy for those of us that aren't completely dysfunctional.

Clearly she needs to get the husband to fark the teacher and slap her around a bit to show her what a masculine powerhouse he is in the sack.

Now was that so hard?
 
2014-05-19 04:18:41 PM  
Have a private talk with the teacher and invite her (or him) to join in.
 
2014-05-19 04:23:01 PM  
Fake. People with kids don't have sex.
 
2014-05-19 04:23:49 PM  
Wat do?
fark you!
No, dad. Wat do?
fark you!
 
2014-05-19 04:24:28 PM  
My son (who's two) was at a party at his aunt's house. His uncle's mother is my son's pre-school teacher, and was at the party as well.

He was running and, because he's two, tripped over nothing and fell flat on his face. Bruised and bloody lip that swelled up to enormous size.

My wife and I immediately looked at his teacher and were like "you saw how that happened right? Just to be clear."
 
2014-05-19 04:24:51 PM  
Ask her to join you
 
2014-05-19 04:24:57 PM  
Dear Penthouse Forum Prudie...

I swear these letters are made up sometimes.
 
2014-05-19 04:25:28 PM  
Soundproof your bedroom you cheap farks.
 
2014-05-19 04:25:33 PM  
Why do these fake advice column letters keep getting greenlit? Shouldn't they have a "Plug" tag instead?
 
2014-05-19 04:25:46 PM  

JasonOfOrillia: Have a private talk with the teacher and invite her (or him) to join in.


We'll need to see a pic of the teacher before we approve of that invitation.
 
2014-05-19 04:26:15 PM  
Isn't this the part where the parent caresses the teacher on the arm, invites her back to  the dungeon and they all get along famously?  (Stepdad / teacher / mom).

I think I saw this plot in a Cinemax movie
 
2014-05-19 04:29:09 PM  

Mugato: Why do these fake advice column letters keep getting greenlit? Shouldn't they have a "Plug" tag instead?


Or in this, a "Butt Plug" tag.

Am I right?
 
2014-05-19 04:30:58 PM  
Sounds like you are gonna need a couple of ball gags.
 
2014-05-19 04:30:59 PM  
Dear Prudie,

She's playing all night and the music's all tight. Mamma's got a squeezebox daddy never sleeps at night.
 
2014-05-19 04:30:59 PM  

UberDave: She's 12 years old.  It should be an easy conversation.


Maybe one of the lads over at the Second Mile can explain it to her.
 
2014-05-19 04:31:50 PM  
Since when is TFD crap leaking out to the main page???
 
2014-05-19 04:32:00 PM  

DrunkWithImpotence: Dear Penthouse Forum Prudie...

I swear these letters are made up sometimes.


Sometimes?
 
2014-05-19 04:33:27 PM  

skinink: Dear Prudie,

She's playing all night and the music's all tight. Mamma's got a squeezebox daddy never sleeps at night.


That used to be my encore to Behind Blue Eyes when my kid insisted on one more song at bedtime.

I can't wait until he's old enough to get it.
 
2014-05-19 04:33:43 PM  

UberDave: She's 12 years old.  It should be an easy conversation.

Mom:  "Honey, you know the slapping you hear?  Well, those are slaps but the only marks your stepfather are leaving on me from slapping are on dat ass..."
Daughter: "Ew."
Mom:  "Yeah, 'ew'.  Now go explain it to your teacher so I don't have to.


Hang a big yup on that one.  12 year old kids know how the parts fit together, most of them have the internet and most of the ones with the internet know how to circumvent the parental controls. They have seen it all in high def streaming video.  If they haven't then they HAVE heard about it from their friends who have.

/homeschool kids maybe haven't
//but if your home school kid rats you out to the teacher then well your kid is kind of stupid
 
2014-05-19 04:38:31 PM  
DrunkWithImpotence:

I swear these letters are made up sometimes.

img2.wikia.nocookie.net
 
2014-05-19 04:38:31 PM  
Admit kinky sex.

She`ll be mortified and totally drop thew subject and ignore everything she sees from then on but later, when she`s married, she might try kinky sex.

And yeah, get her to explain that to the teacher.

Snitches get forced to correct their own mistakes.
 
2014-05-19 04:41:18 PM  
Snitches get stitches.

Kid's got some lessons to learn.

1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2014-05-19 04:42:07 PM  
Explaining to the child exactly what the the two were of to including lots of details will gross out the kid to the point of reporting you to Child Protective Services for child abuse. Because it is always better to believe your parents are fighting then to think they're actually having sex. Ewwwwwww.

violent bedroom sexytime!!
 
2014-05-19 04:43:43 PM  

dready zim: Admit kinky sex.

She`ll be mortified and totally drop thew subject and ignore everything she sees from then on but later, when she`s married, she might try kinky sex.

And yeah, get her to explain that to the teacher.

Snitches get forced to correct their own mistakes.


I take offense that noisy sex is kinky sex. Noisy sex is too awesome to be anything but awesome sex.
 
2014-05-19 04:45:35 PM  
"Sweetheart, let me explain the natural, beautiful act that you have just witnessed. When a man and a woman and a dwarf and a colored prostitute and a coked up chimpanzee love each other very much..."
 
2014-05-19 04:47:38 PM  

Cymbal: dready zim: Admit kinky sex.

She`ll be mortified and totally drop thew subject and ignore everything she sees from then on but later, when she`s married, she might try kinky sex.

And yeah, get her to explain that to the teacher.

Snitches get forced to correct their own mistakes.

I take offense that noisy sex is kinky sex. Noisy sex is too awesome to be anything but awesome sex.


You're doing it
 
2014-05-19 04:48:39 PM  
i60.tinypic.com
 
2014-05-19 04:50:00 PM  
Did someone say 12 year old?
 
2014-05-19 04:50:02 PM  
I like calling the teacher who made it clear nothing can happen until it's legal a sexual predator.

Oh no she finds an adult attractive and told him to wait and think about a potential relationship. The horror!!!!!!
 
2014-05-19 04:50:45 PM  

Mugato: "Sweetheart, let me explain the natural, beautiful act that you have just witnessed. When a man and a woman and a dwarf and a colored prostitute and a coked up chimpanzee love each other very much..."


I laughed out loud, thank you for this on this lousy Monday afternoon.
 
2014-05-19 04:53:15 PM  
- Is it dad with diarreia?
- Hmm, no. Why you ask?
- Last night I heard you saying: This shiat is not getting hard...
 
2014-05-19 04:55:27 PM  

Ben Enya: Since when is TFD crap leaking out to the main page???


I don't know.  In a fit of stupidity I clicked on one of the side links that said something like 'these 12 celebrities transformed their look with this one simple secret'.  I swear I did.  And it was a video hosted on aol 'presented by buzzfeed' and was a video just going through some celebrities that got haircuts.

http://www.aol.com/article/2014/05/07/celebs-who-transformed-their-l oo k-with-one-small-change/20881879/?utm_source=zergnet.com&utm_medium=re ferral&utm_campaign=zergnet_177781

I feel so dirty.  Should I tell my wife?
 
2014-05-19 04:59:40 PM  
Been there, done that. Mortifying. Said my son, at the door, in his most pitiful voice:

"Dad, stop hurting mom"
 
2014-05-19 05:01:31 PM  
Easy. Don't fark the shiat out of your wife when the kids are around. That's why god made sleepovers.

/be a little more discrete when the kids are around and don't go balls out slammer-jammer-penis-hammer on her
 
2014-05-19 05:04:18 PM  
Show 'em the tape.
 
2014-05-19 05:07:35 PM  
If she is hot invite the teacher in for a 3 way.
 
2014-05-19 05:11:33 PM  
They should just be thankful that the kid didn't call the SPCA....
 
2014-05-19 05:17:33 PM  
Dear Drew,

   Why do I keep getting letters from piss freaks? On FARK.com letterhead at that? Thank you.
 Prudie
 
2014-05-19 05:19:17 PM  

txchad: Did someone say 12 year old?


img.fark.net
 
2014-05-19 05:20:27 PM  

mainsail: DrunkWithImpotence: Dear Penthouse Forum Prudie...

I swear these letters are made up sometimes.

Sometimes?


IMPOSSIBLE! Penthouse is the Nudie Magazine Of Record...You can't lie in there..
 
2014-05-19 05:21:23 PM  
"Of course, this only made the teacher believe I was trying to cover up the "abuse" and told me repeatedly she was there to help when I was ready. "

Sounds like this teacher who is trying to "help" needs to learn that no mean no.
 
2014-05-19 05:22:56 PM  
I hate those busybodies that are like, "Is something wrong, you can get help?" and you're like, "No. Absolutely nothing is wrong!" and they're like, "Don't worry, we'll get you the help you need. You don't have to be afraid anymore!"
 
2014-05-19 05:27:57 PM  
Just give it up and build a proper dungeon. Jesus.

www.chicagoreader.com
 
2014-05-19 05:38:33 PM  

Mugato: Why do these fake advice column letters keep getting greenlit



Why do people think these are fake when fark is full of articles about naked men sexually harassing animals in public, female teachers banging several 13 years olds boys 3 times a day in their parents' house, naked women running through the streets, etc.  All stories known to be true as reported by multiple professional news agencies.

So.....is a little spank in the bedroom really so utterly unimaginable to you, relatively speaking?  Honestly that's vanilla boring compared to stories we take for granted on a daily basis.
 
2014-05-19 05:39:41 PM  
Well, You have some 'splaining to do Lucy. You have to teach her about sex, right now, tell her how you like it rough and tough. Tell her next time to come in and see that I am not beating you up.
 
2014-05-19 05:40:34 PM  

ThrobblefootSpectre: So.....is a little spank in the bedroom really so utterly unimaginable to you, relatively speaking?  Honestly that's vanilla boring compared to stories we take for granted on a daily basis.


Just the way they are written and the responses seem so made up.
 
2014-05-19 05:43:26 PM  
Last time my beloved made that kind of noise she'd accidentally caught her hair in the pasta making attachment of our Kitchen Aid mixer.
 
2014-05-19 06:06:10 PM  

Mugato: ThrobblefootSpectre: So.....is a little spank in the bedroom really so utterly unimaginable to you, relatively speaking?  Honestly that's vanilla boring compared to stories we take for granted on a daily basis.

Just the way they are written and the responses seem so made up.


They're edited to look that way because that is how advice-column readers are used to seeing advice columns look.

It's like Dear Abby said the other day. Basically, nobody has a good enough imagination to think up all the situations that real-life people find themselves in.
 
2014-05-19 06:09:50 PM  

Mr. Shabooboo: mainsail: DrunkWithImpotence: Dear Penthouse Forum Prudie...

I swear these letters are made up sometimes.

Sometimes?

IMPOSSIBLE! Penthouse is the Nudie Magazine Of Record...You can't lie in there..


Oh, Penthouse is totally legit compared to Prudie.
 
2014-05-19 06:24:11 PM  
Dear Stockholm Syndrome,

Maybe your daughter's trying to drop a hint here?
 
2014-05-19 06:25:13 PM  

somedude210: I'm not sure which is worse, the Dear Prudence dreck or the Anon-DIT crap on here


I'm thinking the "speaking like a semi-literate dolt" in headlines was also a contender.
 
2014-05-19 06:30:42 PM  
On the one hand, I'm glad we have a society that tends to be concerned about kids and spouses suffering abuse behind closed doors. As someone who's received a visit from the state social worker accompanied by armed cops because the school want satisfied with my autistic kid's explanation for his totally accidental, sibling-inflicted black eye, busybodies can go fark themselves.
 
2014-05-19 06:42:02 PM  

UberDave: She's 12 years old.  It should be an easy conversation.

Mom:  "Honey, you know the slapping you hear?  Well, those are slaps but the only marks your stepfather are leaving on me from slapping are on dat ass..."
Daughter: "Hey, dat shall be mine ass."
Mom:  "Hey ya woman, done kep yours hands off my man. Fin u down man, du hussy."


FTFY
 
2014-05-19 06:51:23 PM  
Good thing they don't keep a kaiser blade around the house.


/nothing is obscure
 
2014-05-19 07:17:27 PM  
I feel really bad for the children of people who can't talk about sex yet pop out kids anyway.
 
2014-05-19 07:25:21 PM  
 
2014-05-19 07:33:02 PM  

Gleeman: Good thing they don't keep a kaiser blade around the house.


/nothing is obscure


Some folks call it a sling blade...
/Very first Fark post
//Y'all got my cherry.
///Hold up there, I'm a dude...
 
2014-05-19 07:58:18 PM  

Cerebral Ballsy: Fake. People with kids don't have sex.


We certainly do.

/there are ways of dampening/muffling sound
//if you get too loud, your partner can "punish" you
///oh, and wait 'til the kid's asleep
 
2014-05-19 07:59:07 PM  

FunkOut: Soundproof your bedroom you cheap farks.


This.
 
2014-05-19 08:07:32 PM  

FizixJunkee: Cerebral Ballsy: Fake. People with kids don't have sex.

We certainly do.

...


You're thinking of MARRIED people - those are the ones who don't have sex.
 
2014-05-19 08:13:23 PM  

Crass and Jaded Mother Farker: Mugato: Why do these fake advice column letters keep getting greenlit? Shouldn't they have a "Plug" tag instead?

Or in this, a "Butt Plug" tag.

Am I right?


3.bp.blogspot.com
 
2014-05-19 08:21:38 PM  

MemeSlave: FizixJunkee: Cerebral Ballsy: Fake. People with kids don't have sex.

We certainly do.

...

You're thinking of MARRIED people - those are the ones who don't have sex.



We're married AND have a child.  We still boink.

/and we're going to boink again in about an hour once the kid's in bed
 
2014-05-19 08:42:11 PM  
in the very off chance it's a "real" letter, i think somebody's bratty 12 year old may not like a step-parent.

children can be nasty little piles of unsocialized id
 
2014-05-19 09:31:35 PM  
ts2.mm.bing.net
Might help.
 
2014-05-19 09:31:55 PM  
Little Johnny: My dad saved my mom's life!
Teacher: Wow! What a wonderful story! Why don't you share with the class! How did he do that!
Little Johnny: Well there was my mom, fallen flat on her back and screamin, "Oh God, I'm coming!" But Dad was on top of her, holding her back!
 
2014-05-20 08:22:53 AM  
Kid should mind her own business
 
2014-05-20 09:56:31 AM  
What a weird house that must be to live in. How can your own kid get shiat so wrong?? Do these people not know each other??
 
2014-05-20 11:28:44 AM  
My son's mother became a BDSM freak during his teenage years. She is now dating slave to a pre-op female-to-male transgender.

S.O. - freaky

Mom - faceplam
 
2014-05-20 12:27:35 PM  
I have a hard time believing this. Most teachers know perfectly well what goes on during kinky sex, even if they won't admit it. Outside of that, learn how to shut and lock your bedroom door and play the television in the background. Then lie your arses off when kiddo knocks on the door.
 
2014-05-20 12:46:47 PM  

Gleeman: Good thing they don't keep a kaiser blade around the house.


/nothing is obscure


I call it a banana blade..

/Mm hmm
//biscuits
///mustard
 
2014-05-20 06:06:24 PM  

Kit Fister: Just give it up and build a proper dungeon. Jesus.

[www.chicagoreader.com image 440x289]


CSPC for the win!
 
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