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(Gawker)   "I pulled you over because you went through a stoplight. Can I see your license?" "It's in my wallet, the one that says bad motherfarker." "I have to let you go now"   (gawker.com) divider line 113
    More: Spiffy, traffic lights, Nicholas Serra, safe-deposit boxes, wallets  
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20327 clicks; posted to Main » on 15 May 2014 at 7:04 PM (18 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



113 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

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2014-05-15 08:26:30 PM
tonygotskilz:

Surely your police officers have a database to reference.  A database that tells them when and where and why you've been pulled over/ticketed in the past.   Perhaps the reason you get so many tickets (90% of the time) is because you have a habit of driving recklessly.
 
2014-05-15 08:28:16 PM
Best advice for getting pulled over for speeding:

Find a safe place to pull off the road.
Roll down window.
Turn off engine.
Turn on interior lights (if it is dark out).
Both hands on the steering wheel in plain view. (10 and 2).
Wait until asked to retrieve license and registration.
Say "yes officer/no officer/thank you officer" (substitute "Trooper/Sergeant" for "Officer" when necessary)
Sign and accept ticket/warning.
Move along (attempt Jedi mind-trick at you're own risk).
Thank Jebus they didn't find/smell the bud in mid-seat console....

YMMV. (especially if you are not Caucasian)
 
2014-05-15 08:32:35 PM

BluVeinThrobber: I got pulled over, the cop asked me if I knew how fast I was going. I asked him why he pulled me over if he didn't know. He didn't think it was funny, I thought it was hillarious


"Sixty-three." on the off-chance he's seen and liked "Super Troopers".
 
2014-05-15 08:33:20 PM

SquiggsIN: Surely your police officers have a database to reference.


Yeah, I took the CA POST 911 dispatcher course (interviewing for the Sheriff in the next two weeks,) and I'll tell you that they certainly DO have a gigantic database of all past transgressions. They typically call in the plate before they even get out of the car (at least they do where I am) and then the guys/gals in records run the plate and radio back whether it's stolen, what make and model it is (to make sure you didn't switch plates, etc.) and all the nice info they have on the registered owner.

They also have it for all addresses, too. Which can be interesting if you're renting an apartment.
 
2014-05-15 08:36:01 PM
You think you're a Bad Muthafarker? This guy's wallet says that too, but his used to be some drug lord ('s tattoo. And his change purse is made from a cop's scrote. (He only had THREE DAYS until retirement--that's why the hairs are so grey.)
 
2014-05-15 08:37:00 PM
I was sitting at a stoplight in Tucson, AZ in 1997. There were three lanes, two straight and one left-turn. I was in the left-hand straight lane. To my immediate left was a Tucson motor officer.

We were waiting for the light to turn green. Back then, the left turn would go green for about 30 seconds before the straights did. So, the cross-traffic goes red, the left-turn light turns green, and the officer revs his bike once, twice, and then I hear the gears shifting. (This is to explain how much time has gone by since the light turned.) At that moment a sketchy looking car BLASTS through the intersection against the light, doing at least 60 miles an hour.

I look over at the cop, he looks at me, he takes his gloved hand off the throttle and holds it out towards me. We do a fistbump, he peels out, fires up his siren and goes after the guy.
 
2014-05-15 08:37:20 PM

lewismarktwo: iron de havilland: fusillade762: [uproxx.files.wordpress.com image 500x281]

You win the thread as far as I'm concerned.

/It airs on Sunday in the UK, so I have not long finished watching next Sunday's episode via the power of the internet.
//And I'll watch it again on Sunday.
///And maybe a couple of times in between.

It really is a good show.  I think calling it Fargo might have hurt it more than it helped it.  It's better than the movie and not a retelling like people might think it is.


I've not seen the film for some time. But, the series follows a lot of the directorial cues from the film. A lot of long shots of barren, snowy, wasteland. Linking part of the plot of the film to a character in the series.

And having some completely corrupt people as major characters. Misters Numbers and Wrench are wicked good.
 
2014-05-15 08:42:37 PM

Billy Liar: BluVeinThrobber: I got pulled over, the cop asked me if I knew how fast I was going. I asked him why he pulled me over if he didn't know. He didn't think it was funny, I thought it was hillarious

"Sixty-three." on the off-chance he's seen and liked "Super Troopers".


He did smell like maple syrup
 
2014-05-15 08:46:31 PM

dramboxf: SquiggsIN: Surely your police officers have a database to reference.

Yeah, I took the CA POST 911 dispatcher course (interviewing for the Sheriff in the next two weeks,) and I'll tell you that they certainly DO have a gigantic database of all past transgressions. They typically call in the plate before they even get out of the car (at least they do where I am) and then the guys/gals in records run the plate and radio back whether it's stolen, what make and model it is (to make sure you didn't switch plates, etc.) and all the nice info they have on the registered owner.

They also have it for all addresses, too. Which can be interesting if you're renting an apartment.


I used to work for the largest ID card printing company in the nation.  Occasionally we'd get calls from the state police to have us look stuff

dramboxf: SquiggsIN: Surely your police officers have a database to reference.

Yeah, I took the CA POST 911 dispatcher course (interviewing for the Sheriff in the next two weeks,) and I'll tell you that they certainly DO have a gigantic database of all past transgressions. They typically call in the plate before they even get out of the car (at least they do where I am) and then the guys/gals in records run the plate and radio back whether it's stolen, what make and model it is (to make sure you didn't switch plates, etc.) and all the nice info they have on the registered owner.

They also have it for all addresses, too. Which can be interesting if you're renting an apartment.


I used to work for the company that contracts to print ID cards for most of the states in the nation (and a bunch of other coutnries) and anything any DMV/BMV had, database wise, we had a back up of.  Occasionally we'd field calls from state police in ID fraud investigations.  My fave was when a 18 year old girl stole her older sister's (above 21) DL and went to the BMV and had it "renewed" with her picture on it for a fake ID.  She looked a LOT like her older sister but, not quite enough to get away with it.
 
2014-05-15 08:47:34 PM
wow deja vu.  that's what happens when you let the dogs out and forgot that you already started a reply.
 
2014-05-15 08:48:13 PM

dramboxf: I look over at the cop, he looks at me, he takes his gloved hand off the throttle and holds it out towards me. We do a fistbump, he peels out, fires up his siren and goes after the guy.


CSB
 
2014-05-15 08:48:51 PM
I get out of tickets just because you have a short haircut, aren't acting like a douche, have a tidy car, and are courteous, they tend to cut you a break.
 
2014-05-15 08:49:35 PM
what a douchebag.  Not only does he drive around with a camera pointed at himself, he runs red lights, which IM(ns)HO is worse than driving drunk
 
2014-05-15 08:51:19 PM

Nutsac_Jim: I get out of tickets just because you have a short haircut, aren't acting like a douche, have a tidy car, and are courteous, they tend to cut you a break.


This works.
 
2014-05-15 08:56:01 PM

Monkey: Nutsac_Jim: I get out of tickets just because you have a short haircut, aren't acting like a douche, have a tidy car, and are courteous, they tend to cut you a break.

This works.


being white helps too

gfid: what a douchebag.  Not only does he drive around with a camera pointed at himself, he runs red lights, which IM(ns)HO is worse than driving drunk


The way he describes it, he had stopped, checked to see nobody was coming, and then went through.  If true, it's totally different from just blowing through at full speed.  Still illegal and still douchey, but not nearly as bad as driving drunk.
 
2014-05-15 08:57:41 PM

tonygotskilz: I have so many speeding tickets in 2 states I have become quite the expert in traffic stops. I am black so no matter what I say or do I get a ticket 90% of the time. I have tried being really nice, being really rude, being funny, being quite I haven't tried being white that might work though.

So now I just try to feel the individual cop out and if they aren't a total jerk I try to have fun with them. Last time I got pulled over he asked me if I knew how fast I was going on the on ramp, I asked "which on ramp" which got me the dirtiest look possible. He followed up with I was doing 95 (in a 65). So I said. "Oh really thats it?" then got really quite with a smirk on my face like I just got away with murder. Cause I did, I was doing well over 130 just minutes before he saw me.


Maybe you get tickets, not because you are black, but because you drive at double the speed limit.
 
2014-05-15 08:58:23 PM

tonygotskilz: My favorite was when I got pulled over doing 88 in a car that only had a Speedo that went to 80 (94 Mercury tracer which was the ford escort for those poor people who couldn't afford the mercury model).


I had a '94 Tracer. My standard factory speedometer went up to 120.
 
2014-05-15 09:00:22 PM
i.imgur.com
 
2014-05-15 09:17:07 PM

juvandy: CSB


Yeaaaaaaaaaah. I read it over again and you're right. Total CSB.
 
2014-05-15 09:17:59 PM

Nutsac_Jim: tonygotskilz: I have so many speeding tickets in 2 states I have become quite the expert in traffic stops. I am black so no matter what I say or do I get a ticket 90% of the time. I have tried being really nice, being really rude, being funny, being quite I haven't tried being white that might work though.

So now I just try to feel the individual cop out and if they aren't a total jerk I try to have fun with them. Last time I got pulled over he asked me if I knew how fast I was going on the on ramp, I asked "which on ramp" which got me the dirtiest look possible. He followed up with I was doing 95 (in a 65). So I said. "Oh really thats it?" then got really quite with a smirk on my face like I just got away with murder. Cause I did, I was doing well over 130 just minutes before he saw me.


Maybe you get tickets, not because you are black, but because you drive at double the speed limit.


I was with him, up until he said he had done 130. Christ, what an asshole.
 
2014-05-15 09:31:47 PM

spiritplumber: 1) Be polite (it's always a good idea)
2) Be efficient (don't waste people's time, and they won't waste yours)
3) Have a plan to kiss everyone you meet (just in case they decide to be aggressive)


Pucker up, buttercup.
 
2014-05-15 09:37:41 PM

whosits_112: Nutsac_Jim: tonygotskilz: I have so many speeding tickets in 2 states I have become quite the expert in traffic stops. I am black so no matter what I say or do I get a ticket 90% of the time. I have tried being really nice, being really rude, being funny, being quite I haven't tried being white that might work though.

So now I just try to feel the individual cop out and if they aren't a total jerk I try to have fun with them. Last time I got pulled over he asked me if I knew how fast I was going on the on ramp, I asked "which on ramp" which got me the dirtiest look possible. He followed up with I was doing 95 (in a 65). So I said. "Oh really thats it?" then got really quite with a smirk on my face like I just got away with murder. Cause I did, I was doing well over 130 just minutes before he saw me.


Maybe you get tickets, not because you are black, but because you drive at double the speed limit.

I was with him, up until he said he had done 130. Christ, what an asshole troll.


FTFY

/obvioustroll.jpg
 
2014-05-15 10:04:57 PM

BluVeinThrobber: I got pulled over, the cop asked me if I knew how fast I was going. I asked him why he pulled me over if he didn't know. He didn't think it was funny, I thought it was hillarious


I probably would have said "I would not like to answer any loaded questions without the benefit of legal counsel."  I've never gotten out of any ticket, no matter how prompt and courteous I've tried to be, so I figure what's the worst that could happen?  The cop yanks me out of my car and kicks the crap out of me because I won't entertain his foreplay?
 
2014-05-15 10:08:30 PM

strife: BluVeinThrobber: I got pulled over, the cop asked me if I knew how fast I was going. I asked him why he pulled me over if he didn't know. He didn't think it was funny, I thought it was hillarious

I probably would have said "I would not like to answer any loaded questions without the benefit of legal counsel."  I've never gotten out of any ticket, no matter how prompt and courteous I've tried to be, so I figure what's the worst that could happen?  The cop yanks me out of my car and kicks the crap out of me because I won't entertain his foreplay?


This was in the 70's. He threw my license back at me and said "slow it down smartass"
 
2014-05-15 10:16:49 PM

strife: BluVeinThrobber: I got pulled over, the cop asked me if I knew how fast I was going. I asked him why he pulled me over if he didn't know. He didn't think it was funny, I thought it was hillarious

I probably would have said "I would not like to answer any loaded questions without the benefit of legal counsel."  I've never gotten out of any ticket, no matter how prompt and courteous I've tried to be, so I figure what's the worst that could happen?  The cop yanks me out of my car and kicks the crap out of me because I won't entertain his foreplay?


Are you by any chance black?

I've gotten out of tickets.   It isn't the usual scenario when a cop pulls me over, but I'm always polite and I sometimes lie.  "Honest, officer, I had no idea my license plate was expired."  (That was a lie.)

They also seem to have a soft spot for people who are almost home.

It probably doesn't hurt that I have no criminal record either.

In my experience though, cops have absolutely no sense of humor.  Don't try to make jokes with them.  They will not laugh, they will not even smile and they'll probably take it the wrong way.
 
2014-05-15 10:25:23 PM

ein125: Nice example of driving while white


lol
 
2014-05-15 10:30:34 PM

dramboxf: juvandy: CSB

Yeaaaaaaaaaah. I read it over again and you're right. Total CSB.


No offense intended- I thought it literally was a CSB.  Just didn't know of a better way to articulate that and forgot the inherent sarcasm implied by the term.
 
2014-05-15 10:38:46 PM

Shrink: This is what I use for a wallet. They would probably let me go because I look poor.


[blog.crankingwidgets.com image 160x160]


Meh, who am I kidding?


Too bad Kenneth Cole stole your idea-yes, this is real and it sells for like $40, a leather bound binder clip:

cdna.tid.al
 
2014-05-15 10:39:51 PM

fusillade762: [uproxx.files.wordpress.com image 500x281]


He is one of the best villains on tv.
 
2014-05-15 10:43:37 PM
I grew up in Youngstown. Still get back there about once a month. And let me tell you, Oak Hill and Myrtle is, as Bruce Springsteen said, the part of town where when you hit a red light, you don't stop. I can't fault the guy one bit.
 
2014-05-15 10:47:14 PM

tonygotskilz: I haven't tried being white that might work though.


heh. Trust me. It doesn't. Got out of a speeding ticket once. Got pulled over following fast traffic coming home from vacation with the family. Saw the cop grinning in my rear view mirror reading a bumper sticker. As he walked up to the driver side I had my 5 year old daughter roll her window down and say hi to him.
It really depends on where you get pulled over.
 
2014-05-15 10:52:09 PM

abhorrent1: "I go through them all the time I just didn't realize you guys were cops"

This cock should have his license taken away with that attitude. "Traffic laws don't apply to me! I don't care about risking other peoples lives!"

I want to punch that farker until there are bones in his stool.


"I stopped at the red, looked both ways, and treated it like a stop sign. Pretty common around here when there's no traffic. Although I probably should have noticed the cop :P"
 
2014-05-15 10:53:13 PM
This strikes me as a guy that got CCW because some of his friends did ad loves filming himself announcing it to cops for the coolness factor.  I could be totally wrong.  But wallet + what is film anyway wrapping yourself in film
 
2014-05-15 10:54:29 PM

brap: I would imagine you run out of good will pretty quickly when you broadcast this sort of bullshiate on the interwebby.  I doubt the officers appreciated having their favor broadcast.


This.

I've bet let off before. I was pulled over for driving my parents car with an expired registration:

"License and registration"
"My license was suspended."
"Have you been drinking?"
"Yes, just a couple drinks - but I had to drive my girlfriend home because she was 10 times drunker than me"
"You say your license is suspended?"
"Yes"
"How far do you have to go?"
"Just the next exit there."
"This your parents Supra?"
"Yes"
"Hmm. Ok. Drive carefully."
"Thank you so much, Officer"

..But if I had it on video, where the officer could be identified - no WAY would I post it on the WWW (despite there not really being a WWW when this happened) - that's like punching the pizza guy in the face for not charging you and giving you your pizza free.
 
2014-05-15 10:59:17 PM

trappedspirit: This strikes me as a guy that got CCW because some of his friends did ad loves filming himself announcing it to cops for the coolness factor.  I could be totally wrong.  But wallet + what is film anyway wrapping yourself in film


Don't forget coward, pusscakes, and has a small penis....
 
2014-05-15 11:14:15 PM

gfid: strife: BluVeinThrobber: I got pulled over, the cop asked me if I knew how fast I was going. I asked him why he pulled me over if he didn't know. He didn't think it was funny, I thought it was hillarious

I probably would have said "I would not like to answer any loaded questions without the benefit of legal counsel."  I've never gotten out of any ticket, no matter how prompt and courteous I've tried to be, so I figure what's the worst that could happen?  The cop yanks me out of my car and kicks the crap out of me because I won't entertain his foreplay?

Are you by any chance black?

I've gotten out of tickets.   It isn't the usual scenario when a cop pulls me over, but I'm always polite and I sometimes lie.  "Honest, officer, I had no idea my license plate was expired."  (That was a lie.)

They also seem to have a soft spot for people who are almost home.

It probably doesn't hurt that I have no criminal record either.

In my experience though, cops have absolutely no sense of humor.  Don't try to make jokes with them.  They will not laugh, they will not even smile and they'll probably take it the wrong way.


Nope, white, never played games with them and probably deserved just about every ticket I received. I've always said if you want to make someone learn, hit them in the wallet. I was fortunate to receive a warning once (was hanging out with a friend in a church parking lot after a movie late one night, which violated a city ordinance). The cops ran our ID's and probably let us go after they figured we weren't dealing drugs or planning on breaking into the place.
 
2014-05-15 11:21:26 PM
You say the wallet sez BAD MOTH*******..

3.bp.blogspot.com

SHUT YO' MOUTH!
 
2014-05-15 11:51:14 PM
It was the gun. Having a gun is the best damn way to get out of a traffic ticket. Police are like dogs, and guns are their squirrels. Have a properly cared for gun that you legally own, and their entire attention will focus on the gun, getting you out of the ticket. Their tiny little minds are easily distracted.
 
2014-05-16 12:04:44 AM
I wonder if the scenario might have been different when he answered the Cop's question, "Is that a recording device sitting in front of you?"
 
2014-05-16 12:12:19 AM

tonygotskilz: I have so many speeding tickets in 2 states I have become quite the expert in traffic stops. I am black so no matter what I say or do I get a ticket 90% of the time. I have tried being really nice, being really rude, being funny, being quite I haven't tried being white that might work though.

So now I just try to feel the individual cop out and if they aren't a total jerk I try to have fun with them. Last time I got pulled over he asked me if I knew how fast I was going on the on ramp, I asked "which on ramp" which got me the dirtiest look possible. He followed up with I was doing 95 (in a 65). So I said. "Oh really thats it?" then got really quite with a smirk on my face like I just got away with murder. Cause I did, I was doing well over 130 just minutes before he saw me.

My favorite was when I got pulled over doing 88 in a car that only had a Speedo that went to 80 (94 Mercury tracer which was the ford escort for those poor people who couldn't afford the mercury model). He asked me how fast I was going and I knew It was well over the 80 mark as the speedo was covering the M in MPH at the bottom of speedo on its way back around to 0. I looked at the cop and look at the dash then looked back at the cop and shrugged, pointed at the dash and said, ummm faster than that, pointing at 80. The Florida Highway patrol officer didn't laugh but I was determined to get at least a smirk out of him. He then told me I was clocked doing 88 and asked where I was headed to going so fast. I answered without pause. "I was trying to go back in time"... That got him, he finally chuckled, told me to hold on a minute, went back to his cruiser and came back with $350 ticket.


"I exceed the speed limit by a large margin on a regular basis then smart off to the cops, but I get tickets for being black"
That sounds completely reasonable...
 
2014-05-16 12:31:22 AM
Somewhat related and not really interesting story at all, really, bro:

Years ago, I interviewed some members of the band Fight (one of Rob Halford's post-Judas Priest bands) for High Times. It was backstage before their show. As is customary for such circumstances, we got good and baked. Afterwards, as they were getting ready to go on, the guitar player told me, "Hey, let me give you my card!" I thought, cool, we made a connection during the interview, we'll keep in touch. He gives me the card, it says, "Jay Jay Is a Bad Motherfarker," with a picture of a skull and crossbones. And that was it, no contact information or anything. I was somewhat perplexed, but I think I might still have it buried away somewhere.
 
2014-05-16 12:39:48 AM

tonygotskilz: My favorite was when I got pulled over doing 88 in a car that only had a Speedo that went to 80 (94 Mercury tracer which was the ford escort for those poor people who couldn't afford the mercury model). He asked me how fast I was going and I knew It was well over the 80 mark as the speedo was covering the M in MPH at the bottom of speedo on its way back around to 0. I looked at the cop and look at the dash then looked back at the cop and shrugged, pointed at the dash and said, ummm faster than that, pointing at 80.


When I was 17 I got pulled over going about 90 in a 55 (Because... when I was 17 .. that was the speed limit on all the damned highways) because I was late to work. Ohio State Highway Patrolman walks up to the car and says "Do you know how fast you were going?" ... Figuring I was gonna get the worst anyway .. I said "No sir, officer, the speedo in this thing only goes up to 85"

He actually laughed.

/I got off with a warning, but mostly because I told him where I worked and what the consequences to the kids would be if I was not there in 10 minutes. He had me follow him at 90. It was great.

//Ride operator at Kings Island back then.
 
2014-05-16 12:51:47 AM

Mithiwithi: I should get a wallet with "Not A Nice Person At All" monogrammed on it. The handful of people who get the reference will think it's --ing cool.

/I think the text filter is shortening my em dash entities
//I hear that happens a lot to Farkers over #151



It's actually 127. I believe Raven might have been responsible for declaring userID as a signed byte because "Why would we need more than 127 accounts?"
 
2014-05-16 12:52:01 AM

That Guy Jeff: It was the gun. Having a gun is the best damn way to get out of a traffic ticket. Police are like dogs, and guns are their squirrels. Have a properly cared for gun that you legally own, and their entire attention will focus on the gun, getting you out of the ticket. Their tiny little minds are easily distracted.


There's something to this.  I don't even know if its a distraction issue so much as if you have gone through all of the FBI checks to get a permit, I think they figure that you're a fairly upstanding citizen they don't have to worry about.
 
2014-05-16 12:56:46 AM
94 comments in and not one person has commented on the fact that that was one fat cop?
 
2014-05-16 01:14:35 AM
Also, the simple reason he didn't get a ticket was because they were vice, and fark if vice is going to show up in court for a red light ticket, they've got hookers, johns, and drug buyers to bust.
 
2014-05-16 02:20:11 AM

Cheeseface: 94 comments in and not one person has commented on the fact that that was one fat cop?


See, I was scrolling through looking for just that. My whole department is on the more fit side, but having a few built like that guy around can come in handy. They make good cover.
 
2014-05-16 03:56:48 AM
This is how law enforcement makes their decisions?  Justice has never been so arbitrary.  Oh wait, it always has been, we just never got to see until the video age.

Imagine the same scenario with the driver being a large black man.  How does the story change?  I'm guessing a lot.
 
2014-05-16 04:01:37 AM
UseLessHuman:
Imagine the same scenario with the driver being a large black man.  How does the story change?  I'm guessing a lot.

Or a tiny frail white lady.. Just imagine the shock when she pulls out the BMF wallet..
 
2014-05-16 05:25:10 AM

Monkey: Best advice for getting pulled over for speeding:

Find a safe place to pull off the road.
Roll down window.
Turn off engine.
Turn on interior lights (if it is dark out).
Both hands on the steering wheel in plain view. (10 and 2).
Wait until asked to retrieve license and registration.
Say "yes officer/no officer/thank you officer" (substitute "Trooper/Sergeant" for "Officer" when necessary)
Sign and accept ticket/warning.
Move along (attempt Jedi mind-trick at you're own risk).
Thank Jebus they didn't find/smell the bud in mid-seat console....

YMMV. (especially if you are not Caucasian)


I put the keys to the car on the dashboard
I also tell them where my paperwork is before I reach for it "my registration is in my glovebox"

In Ny cops now issue a signed affadavit with tickets if they are giving you a lesser ticket. I believe this is so they don't have to appear in court to give testimony and a judge will see what you were really doing and is less likely to throw out the lesser ticket.

Ex: I was pulled over for doing 77 in a 55, I took all the above steps and he told me he was giving me a ticket for failure to obey a traffic control device. My thought was "great, my lawyer can get that dropped easily" Then he hands me 2 pieces of paper one of which was an affadavit saying that he pulled me over for doing 77 in a 55.
Fark
 
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