If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Daily Mail)   The Vikings are back after a 1,000 year hiatus, and Sweden just became the coolest country in the world in which to live. Meet the new Viking king   (dailymail.co.uk) divider line 48
    More: Cool, Britain, Vikings, Sweden, north and east, Beer measurement  
•       •       •

11868 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 May 2014 at 10:45 AM (32 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2014-05-14 10:57:15 AM  
6 votes:

Ijustworkhere: So raping and pillaging are back in fashion?


Steal the houses! Rape the livestock! Burn the women!
2014-05-14 10:47:45 AM  
5 votes:
i.dailymail.co.uk

Santa?
Is that the list that shows who is naughty and who is nice?
2014-05-14 09:39:59 AM  
5 votes:
What about Techno Viking? He'll sue you if you put up his pic.
upload.wikimedia.org
2014-05-14 11:10:50 AM  
3 votes:
i291.photobucket.com

/threadjack?
2014-05-14 11:08:31 AM  
3 votes:

loki see loki do: Ok, but THIS is our longhall[fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net image 850x566]


So you are in it for
*puts on sunglasses*
the Long Hall?
2014-05-14 11:06:06 AM  
3 votes:
Spear and magic helmet?
2014-05-14 11:03:06 AM  
3 votes:

JackieRabbit: I'm Thor damnit!


Use more lube next time
2014-05-14 11:00:57 AM  
3 votes:

Katerchen: How do you say "pretentious New Age d-bag" in Swedish?


i.imgur.com
2014-05-14 10:58:12 AM  
3 votes:
img.fark.net
img.fark.net

I've totally seen this movie before.
2014-05-14 10:55:44 AM  
3 votes:

Arkanaut: When did the Vikings stop being the Vikings and just became Norwegians / Danes / Swedes?


Once they realized they were running out of people after killing the women and raping the sheep.  Once they got that figured out their population expanded, they settled down and became traders.  Becaues dammit if you don't trade well then your kid isn't going to get the GI Joe with the Kung Fu grip and your old lady isn't going to have sex with you anymore
2014-05-14 10:51:34 AM  
3 votes:
So they're like the Amish only 1000x more awesome?

CSB!
2014-05-14 10:49:21 AM  
3 votes:
LIGHTNING BOLT

LIGHTNING BOLT

LIGHTNING BOLT
2014-05-14 10:44:30 AM  
3 votes:
Get these LARPers off my screen!
2014-05-14 10:19:28 AM  
3 votes:
'I just declared it,' he says of the moment he was crowned king of the Viking village. 'I said OK I am king. It was my decision.
[...]
'All the other Vikings will be out working in the fields and working on the farm but I can spend my time just looking around, or sailing or enjoying a chat or playing a game.'


I bet this is how it all started back in the stone age, too.  One dude finally had the nuts to say "No seriously I'm in charge and don't have to work" and no one called him on it.


'Everyone thinks it was meat and meat and meat,' he explains of his Viking forebears. 'But it wasn't, they ate with their hands and it was berries and pork.

I too sometimes do away with meat in favor of pork.
2014-05-14 09:33:38 AM  
3 votes:
Do they have a Sampo?
2014-05-14 09:23:25 PM  
2 votes:
Viking is Swedish for "pirate" (that's one of the real theories as a matter of fact. Another is that they take their name from the Vik, which is the fiord that Oslo is on).

I am reading a lot about Vikings lately, their genes, their history, their raids, their business plans. They didn't hit targets randomly. They cased the joint while doing a little honest business or got the low-down from friends in "legitimate business" who had cased the joint earlier but lacked the manpower to raid themselves. If they were afraid of you they'd turn innocent and harmless in a trice, turning to farming, or fishing, or mining, or trade as happy as Dwarves.

They learned not to attack Byzantium when that great Imperial capital burned one of their fleets with Greek fire. They also respected the Muslims and when the fashion for black slaves went out, they happily sold thousands of Europeans into slavery in the Levant and North Africa. But if you were weak or under-armed, they were on you like Rush Limburger on a Dominican Little League team.

According to more modern research they were the not pure bloded and brave blonde Jesus types that romantic propaganda has painted them but pretty much a bunch of bullies and putz family reunion of losers, thugs and unemployed youth.  They were quite a lot like my very distant cousins, the Pirates of Somalia and the Berbers of Morocco. They would have got on like a house on fire with them.

And they often used Irish or Scottish navigators on their voyages of discovery. The Irish monks, you see, had been there a long time before the Scandinavians, no matter where there was in the West of Europe or th Atlantic. They wisely left Iceland when the Vikings arrived and may have reached Canada several times before Eric the Pinko Commie Liberal. You don't even have to take the word of their partisans such as the recently deceased Farley Mowat. The Irish did cool things. Not every cool thing they claim to have done, but very respectable heaps of cool things. Because they were bloody stupid in a productive sort of way.

Oh, but they are family as are all of the historical people worth reading about.

In fact, I have been posting and adding barbarians to my family tree at the same time.

One thing you can say for these jolly rogerers is that they had a way with a nickname. Bullies usually do.

I am going to have to do a GIS for King Eystein II the Fart or the Flatulent Halfdansson ("fret" or "fretr" in Old Norse apparently) to see if that is what the jolly thugs in his caitiff crew of upper class psychopaths really called him (after they left public school, that is).

King Farty is currently my 34th great-grand-uncle, but these things can change quickly as I add more people, more links.

Gorm the Old is also known as Gorm the Sleepy. A Danish Reagan, so to speak. Harold Bluetooth (more properly black tooth) has some sort of technology named after him, as does Saint Linus.

And I'm guessing that White Shanks or White Legs was a proper tourist long before going to the Costa Del Sol was popular except for Barbarians who liked to kill Christians and Jews whilst getting sunburned.

 I wonder if Bush is any related to the King nicknamed "Tree Hewer" or the other king named "Land Clearer". Must be because I am descended from many ancestors of them all. A lot of these small kings were little better than Amish Drug Gang Leaders and Pimps with broad-axes instead of Glocks.

Damn, some of my ancestors were evil bastards. Literally. Take William the Bastard (aka the Conqueror). He lead 10,000 mostly needy-greedy younger sons without land or inheritances into England just like the hoards before him. In fact, my Norman ancestors incude Robert the Good, Robert the Fearless, and Robert the Devil (in that order). Give some people an inch and they'll take a continent. All US Presidents are descend from the English King formerly known s Bad Prince John aka Lackland. He got plenty of land and women after becoming King, or indeed after collecting a mountain of taxes to send his brother Richard the Lion-Hearted on the Grand Tour of the Holy Land.

He was advised to let the Bastard rot in prison when Brother Dick got himself captured (in Hungary, IIRC). There's a thought. Let them rot in prison.

Poor King Harold. He was my ancestor too, but he took one in the eye.

Voltaire was right. History is the record of the crimes of mankind. I should add him to my family tree. Last week I went looking for Christopher Titus the Comedian of Family Dysfunction and found Prime Minister Helmet Boy instead.

WHY DO THEY HATE US, AMERICA, WHY?

It's a funny old world, innit?

You have to laugh though. Or else weep.

The original Titus, another Robert, was an early settler or co-Founder of Rehoboath, MA, but he and his family were run out of town for harbouring social undesirables, possibly a family of Baptists or Quakers.

Rehoboath was run out of MA and is now in Rhode Island, I believe.

It's named for the Harlot who let the Israelite spies into Jericho through her own private elevator. I bet the natives see the irony of that.

But enough family gossip. People aren't interested in real history. They want romanticized sex and violence, and the Vikings were smart enough to know their audience.

I'd have melted the iron throne down to make bullets to put through the heads of every character in the Ice and Fire franchise like Mark Twain's Connecticut Yankee before me. No relation.
2014-05-14 03:01:06 PM  
2 votes:
I am more interestedin the viking queen.
emertainmentmonthly.com

Oh the things I would do to Lagertha. If she didn't kill me first.
2014-05-14 12:26:32 PM  
2 votes:
If all it takes to be king is to declare yourself so and then live in a freaky way, I know a lot of kings.
2014-05-14 11:55:18 AM  
2 votes:

Frank N Stein: kbronsito: Christianity just ruins everything

Christians:
[fbexternal-a.akamaihd.net image 720x541]

[www.stpeterslist.com image 410x600]

[www.history.com image 620x412]

[drivethenation.com image 850x637]
[kotlaslib.aonb.ru image 800x797]
[www.newsday.co.tt image 400x500]

You:

[static.fjcdn.com image 500x638]


Those were all Catholic things. He was talking about CHRISTIANS, not hell-bound idolators.

www.rawstory.com
2014-05-14 11:42:34 AM  
2 votes:
modern day beserkers?

videogamecritic.com
2014-05-14 11:38:54 AM  
2 votes:
With the ice sheets breaking loose, sooner or later Santa Clause had to move south.  I would have guessed Norway, but yah, Sveden.

Yaaaaaaaah...
2014-05-14 11:13:53 AM  
2 votes:
25.media.tumblr.com

Is concerned about how the Viking king got his title.
2014-05-14 11:13:49 AM  
2 votes:
"He and other villagers live Viking lives 24hrs a day, 365 days a year"


So they die from the lack of antibiotics by the time their 38?
2014-05-14 11:12:16 AM  
2 votes:

Arkanaut: When did the Vikings stop being the Vikings and just became Norwegians / Danes / Swedes?


When Saab introduced the 4 door.
2014-05-14 11:11:55 AM  
2 votes:

InterruptingQuirk: Get these LARPers off my screen!


They're clearly more in the SCA mold.

What's the difference between a LARPer and an SCAdian?

A SCAdian gets mortally offended if you call them a LARPer.
2014-05-14 11:03:43 AM  
2 votes:
and this is inside the Longhallscontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net
2014-05-14 10:59:53 AM  
2 votes:

Arkanaut: When did the Vikings stop being the Vikings and just became Norwegians / Danes / Swedes?


To go a-Viking means to raid, so once they stopped raiding they weren't Vikings any more. They weren't even Vikings most of the time back then, just Norse farmers, fishermen and traders. The most successful Vikings left the misery of Scandinavia's climate and settled in Normandy, England and other more pleasant parts of Europe, leaving the boring ones at home to become pornographers and rally car drivers.
2014-05-14 10:53:46 AM  
2 votes:
Well I didn't vote for him.
2014-05-14 10:48:46 AM  
2 votes:
www.amphicar.com
2014-05-14 10:48:35 AM  
2 votes:
What the king of Vikings might look like:

i.cdn.turner.com
2014-05-14 03:10:00 PM  
1 votes:

RottenEggs: Ijustworkhere: So raping and pillaging are back in fashion?

Incest ,fire worship and infanticide also .


fc03.deviantart.net
2014-05-14 01:04:02 PM  
1 votes:

boredofedu: Been watching the Viking show on History Channel. It's way too awesome-especially if your name is Ragnar Lofbrok!


Lagertha is 100 times more awesome than Ragnar.
2014-05-14 12:02:26 PM  
1 votes:

LazyMedia: Frank N Stein: kbronsito: Christianity just ruins everything

Christians:
[fbexternal-a.akamaihd.net image 720x541]

[www.stpeterslist.com image 410x600]

[www.history.com image 620x412]

[drivethenation.com image 850x637]
[kotlaslib.aonb.ru image 800x797]
[www.newsday.co.tt image 400x500]

You:

[static.fjcdn.com image 500x638]

Those were all Catholic things. He was talking about CHRISTIANS, not hell-bound Mary worshipingidolators.

[www.rawstory.com image 615x345]

FTFY.

2014-05-14 11:43:50 AM  
1 votes:

kbronsito: Christianity just ruins everything


Christians:
fbexternal-a.akamaihd.net

www.stpeterslist.com

www.history.com

drivethenation.com
kotlaslib.aonb.ru
www.newsday.co.tt

You:

static.fjcdn.com
2014-05-14 11:37:07 AM  
1 votes:

InterruptingQuirk: Smeggy Smurf: Arkanaut: When did the Vikings stop being the Vikings and just became Norwegians / Danes / Swedes?

Once they realized they were running out of people after killing the women and raping the sheep.  Once they got that figured out their population expanded, they settled down and became traders.  Becaues dammit if you don't trade well then your kid isn't going to get the GI Joe with the Kung Fu grip and your old lady isn't going to have sex with you anymore

This might have contributed https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christianization_of_scandinavia


Ah yes, of course, because once a people have converted to Christianity, they'd never do such things as invade other lands or anything.
2014-05-14 11:35:24 AM  
1 votes:

Now I Is!: Arkanaut: When did the Vikings stop being the Vikings and just became Norwegians / Danes / Swedes?

The never really were a people called Vikings, it comes from a Norse word meaning "an expedition at sea". It wasn't who were it what doing. It was only centuries later that, in English, the word evolved into an epithet for "pirates of Scandinavian descent".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vikings


I think one of us just had a stroke. Let me know if it's me.
2014-05-14 11:33:41 AM  
1 votes:

InterruptingQuirk: Smeggy Smurf: Arkanaut: When did the Vikings stop being the Vikings and just became Norwegians / Danes / Swedes?

Once they realized they were running out of people after killing the women and raping the sheep.  Once they got that figured out their population expanded, they settled down and became traders.  Becaues dammit if you don't trade well then your kid isn't going to get the GI Joe with the Kung Fu grip and your old lady isn't going to have sex with you anymore

This might have contributed https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christianization_of_scandinavia


Christianity just ruins everything*

*Except girl's school uniform. They got that part just the way it should be.
2014-05-14 11:28:56 AM  
1 votes:
i.dailymail.co.uk

At least now we know what Santa does in the off season
2014-05-14 11:18:11 AM  
1 votes:

LazyMedia: Ijustworkhere: So raping and pillaging are back in fashion?

RTFA. Raiding is banned. So these aren't Vikings, they're just medieval Norsemen, living off of rutabagas and dried cod. Kind of pathetic, really.


So much this. I got all excited, started planing my move to Sweden and then find out there's not going to be any pillaging. What's the point of being a Viking if you can't spill the blood of your enemies and take their gold and their women?
2014-05-14 11:07:49 AM  
1 votes:
It's good to be the king.
2014-05-14 11:06:48 AM  
1 votes:
By Santa's beard!
2014-05-14 11:06:47 AM  
1 votes:
Guess that gig at Colonial Williamsburg didn't work out for him.

But it's good to be the king.
2014-05-14 11:02:44 AM  
1 votes:
So basically a Norse Renaissance fair.
2014-05-14 11:02:14 AM  
1 votes:
Ok, but THIS is our longhallfbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net
2014-05-14 10:59:52 AM  
1 votes:

cgraves67: Ijustworkhere: So raping and pillaging are back in fashion?

Steal the houses! Rape the livestock! Burn the women!


cdn5.movieclips.com

well...get on with it.
2014-05-14 10:57:12 AM  
1 votes:

Walker: What about Techno Viking? He'll sue you if you put up his pic.
[upload.wikimedia.org image 361x268]


you must be safely behind seven proxies or have seen some pixels in your time.
2014-05-14 10:55:57 AM  
1 votes:

Ijustworkhere: So raping and pillaging are back in fashion?


RTFA. Raiding is banned. So these aren't Vikings, they're just medieval Norsemen, living off of rutabagas and dried cod. Kind of pathetic, really.
2014-05-14 10:48:39 AM  
1 votes:
Baby Bjorn is not only heir to the throne, he's a handy infant lugging backpack.
 
Displayed 48 of 48 comments

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
On Twitter





In Other Media


  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report