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(Guardian)   British residents need an entire newspaper column to answer the question, "How do you eat nachos?"   (theguardian.com) divider line 30
    More: Amusing, British Residents, editorials, pulled pork  
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3676 clicks; posted to Main » on 13 May 2014 at 12:26 PM (28 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2014-05-13 12:13:07 PM  
9 votes:
Well, it's a bit complex and you don't want to look stupid around Americans or we'll never let you hear the end of it. The chip tongs should be pretty self explanatory, but remember, the right way to deal with long strands of cheese is to pull it, then fold it atop the chip. Italians roll it like it was pasta and we're forever making fun of them at the finer restaurants.

If the cheese is melted, tradition dictates that you eat it right-handed, whereas a cheese sauce would mean you should eat it left-handed, although that dates back to the late 1800s when Irish immigrants used their right hands for cheese spoons, which have since been replaced with the Hanzer ladle--don't ask for one of those, the waiter will use it to give you extra cheese upon request.

If your group orders nachos with jalapenos, make sure to use the two-tined jalapeno fork if you'll be taking any from a communal dish. That much is essential, and many use the fork even in the nicer nacho restaurants when you get your own nacho plate. Americans from the south (primarily Georgia and South Carolina) often use the forks to remove any jalapeno seeds that the chef might have missed, although that's quite rare.

Also, most nacho dishes in the west have a dollop of sour cream on the top or the side when it comes to the table. If it's a communal plate, nobody will touch it until the guest of honor takes some of it. Please take some, as it's considered impolite at least, and even bad luck in places like Seattle and Portland. If you suffer from a dairy allergy, please let your host know before ordering. It's easier to skip the sour cream than face the complicated morass of dividing up the dollop once it comes to the table.
2014-05-13 12:13:04 PM  
8 votes:
As someone who grew up in Texas and now lives in California, I'll take advice on how to make nachos from an Englishman sometime shortly after the heat death of the universe.
2014-05-13 12:42:50 PM  
7 votes:
1) Form hand(s) into a shovel
2) Shovel nachos into face-hole
2014-05-13 12:29:28 PM  
4 votes:
No, Brits, you can't have American cheese-and-tortilla-chips appetizers.

Nachos.
2014-05-13 12:46:14 PM  
3 votes:
With a knife and fork, just like pizza.
2014-05-13 12:44:50 PM  
3 votes:
Nachos for Brits, natch!

Nachos are a Mexican dish made of stale taco shells. They are traditionally eaten by donning a colourful plastic poncho made of plastic to keep the salsa and Nacho dust from turning your fat blubbery body as orange a Guido from Ocean City in a Speedo from Atlantic City. Some people just use a tarp as a bib or plastic sheets. If you sit in the front row you will be splashed like a big breasted blonde in the front row at a Gallagher show.  Sometimes Nachos are made into hats and sold to sports fans who have nowhere to put down a bowl of salsa with spilling it when their team scores. Fortunately this is not a problem your Mother has at sports events because she can cram a tub of salsa into her fat rolls or between her enormous dugong dugs.

Nachos can be covered with salsa or cheez-fud, an orange substance which is a result of an industrial accident involving genetically-modified scale insects and a nuclear reactor. The same substance has been adapted as a wax for surf boards. Cheez-fud can be melted onto nachos under a broiler or simply by exposing them to ultra-violet or gamma radiation. Some mutations are to be expected if you fail to do this.
2014-05-13 12:43:00 PM  
3 votes:
I always wanted to open a restaurant that sells Mexican and soul food. I was going to call it Nacho Mama.
2014-05-13 12:35:53 PM  
3 votes:
you need to fall into the warm loving embrace of stacks of fat and far too many carbs

Okay, fine. I'll give you a hug.
2014-05-13 03:06:18 PM  
2 votes:

Tax Boy: TheShavingofOccam123: Subby, I think you meant to ask

"With what method does one consume the comestible referred to as "Nachos"?

In England, they're called "cheesy maize toasties"



i.imgur.com
2014-05-13 02:17:11 PM  
2 votes:

Bungles: Publikwerks: Bungles: Dear Jerk: Brits turn their nose up at BBQ, too. Like conservative talking heads, their opinions should be taken only for entertainment, not instruction.

British people adore BBQ, it just that they prefer proper, outside BBQs, and the chances to reliably organise them is infrequent (due to weather).

On the first day of proper summer, the entire UK stinks of BBQ, because every single person with a BBQ is using it.

See, you say BBQ, but you mean grilling.

What is this magical form of BBQing that goes beyond using a BBQ, fire, BBQ marinades, and burning things?


And thus the BBQ Religion, with its sects of vinegar based sauce and tomato based sauce didst rise up, and explain that grilling be cooking over a fire, on a grate, rapidly, whereas BBQ be cooking slow, over smoke and flame, for many hours....and thus did the war begin over who doth it correctly, and woe came upon the thread...but the pedants danced.
2014-05-13 12:54:36 PM  
2 votes:
My wife's cousin was in town from Rome and he had never eaten a taco before.  He tried to eat it the way our Chinese engineers do.  Like this:

www.i-am-bored.com

Not to say I would do any better.  I'm sure I handle chopsticks like an oaf.
2014-05-13 05:01:36 PM  
1 votes:

SmackLT: but remember, the right way to deal with long strands of cheese is to pull it, then fold it atop the chip.


Dude. Did your parents not teach you manners? That's what the cheese scissors are for.

use the forks to remove any jalapeno seeds that the chef might have missed, although that's quite rare.

Remove... remove jalapeno seeds? That the chef might have MISSED? ...you're from Maine, aren't you. Admit it. You're practically a Canadian.
2014-05-13 03:01:59 PM  
1 votes:

kroonermanblack: Bungles: Dear Jerk: Brits turn their nose up at BBQ, too. Like conservative talking heads, their opinions should be taken only for entertainment, not instruction.

British people adore BBQ, it just that they prefer proper, outside BBQs, and the chances to reliably organise them is infrequent (due to weather).

On the first day of proper summer, the entire UK stinks of BBQ, because every single person with a BBQ is using it.

Sigh. Are you trolling or serious? The term you are looking for is 'grill', not 'barbecue'.

BBQ as a cooking process at no point involves shuffling hamburgers and hot dogs over a fire for 15 seconds. It doesn't involve direct flame at all in most cases. It is specifically about low, indirect, heat applied over long periods of time. Used to soften otherwise difficult to use cuts, like brisket, and skirt of flank steak.


You sound like the type no-one would want to invite to their BBQs.
2014-05-13 02:57:51 PM  
1 votes:

TheShavingofOccam123: The important thing to remember about American BBQ, particularly Texas BBQ, is if you are eating off of anything other than butcher paper, you're not eating true BBQ.


Just like if you're eating salad with anything but a salad fork - like an overlong dinner fork, a three-tined dessert fork, or a belled beef fork, you're not actually eating  a salad.


THIS IS WHAT YOU PEOPLE SOUND LIKE

2014-05-13 02:27:45 PM  
1 votes:

Bungles: Dear Jerk: Brits turn their nose up at BBQ, too. Like conservative talking heads, their opinions should be taken only for entertainment, not instruction.

British people adore BBQ, it just that they prefer proper, outside BBQs, and the chances to reliably organise them is infrequent (due to weather).

On the first day of proper summer, the entire UK stinks of BBQ, because every single person with a BBQ is using it.


Damn you, Poe's Law!

For actual Brits, a word to the wise:

In the United States, the word barbeque contains nuances and connotations and regional differences much akin to the word "Yankee". (To the world, a Yankee is an American. To an American, a Yankee is someone (variously) from north of the Mason-Dixon line or from a Union state during the Civil War. To such a person, a Yankee is someone from a Northeastern state. To someone from a Northeastern state, it's someone from New York or southern Connecticut.)

To the world, BBQ is both a noun and a verb indicating cooking on some sort of outdoor grill or the like.
To most Americans, BBQ is a form of indirect cooking with fire, usually not on a grill.
If you live in the Carolinas, Missouri, Arkansas, Kansas, or Texas, the nuances of your style and what you consider to be BBQ and what you consider to be heresy have all the detail and accountancy of a blood feud.
2014-05-13 02:27:36 PM  
1 votes:

mainsail: And thus the BBQ Religion, with its sects of vinegar based sauce and tomato based sauce didst rise up, and explain that grilling be cooking over a fire, on a grate, rapidly, whereas BBQ be cooking slow, over smoke and flame, for many hours....and thus did the war begin over who doth it correctly, and woe came upon the thread...but the pedants danced.


1. Thou shall not confuse Grilling and BBQ
2. Thou shall drink beer while Grilling or BBQing
3. Thou shall never grill a steak past medium rare
4. Thou shall cook 60% on one side, 40% on the other
5.Thou shalt tread kindly on the methods of thy fellow seekers. There is no one right way to 'cue.
6.Thou shalt NOT use Lighter Fluid for thy time at the Q is Holy as  such use shall sour thy taste in the eyes of the Creator and thy quests!
7.Thou shall not parboil
8. Thou shall enjoy thine Q, or thou is doing it wrong
9.  Did thine mention beer?
10. Thou shall pass said lessons to children
2014-05-13 01:53:47 PM  
1 votes:

TheShavingofOccam123: Subby, I think you meant to ask

"With what method does one consume the comestible referred to as "Nachos"?


In England, they're called "cheesy maize toasties"
2014-05-13 01:12:37 PM  
1 votes:

Bungles: outside the US,  globally the reputation of American food is considerably worse than British food.... basically 3 pounds of butter and 3 pounds of salt, all served in a bucket.

www.quintonreport.com

[breathes heavily]

2014-05-13 01:07:15 PM  
1 votes:
Wine would be wasted and water's a vibe-killer. There is a hell of a lot of grease on that plate, so you need something carbonated, a tongue-scrubber: diet Pepsi or Coke (full fat's too sickly) or a lighter, paler beer, a good lager or blonde ale.

Do they have special cola drinks in Britain made with lard, or something?
2014-05-13 01:05:41 PM  
1 votes:
There are a lot of rules!As I am accustomed to following very few nacho rules (sample rule: "try not to get too much cheese on the cat"), I expect I will be in Big Trouble with The Guardian's Nacho Rules Enforcement Division.
2014-05-13 12:51:25 PM  
1 votes:
Don't make fun of the Bridish.

They just have trouble eating anything that isn't slimy or made from intestines.
2014-05-13 12:48:21 PM  
1 votes:
Yet they have no problems when it comes to eating corn on the cob through a picket fence
2014-05-13 12:48:06 PM  
1 votes:
really, an article on how to pronounce the word "nachos" would be of more value to the brits.
2014-05-13 12:46:29 PM  
1 votes:

kroonermanblack: Wasilla Hillbilly: Um....it seems pretty straight forward. As long as you don't go at it like it's a pie-eating contest, you're probably good to go.

Many cultures eat 'American' dishes differently. Like using a knife and fork for burgers, or pizza.

Americans often eat other cultural dishes oddly as well so it's a wash.

In a culture with no texmex being presented with a steaming bowl of cheese-chip soup is confusing to consume. You don't use a spoon, wtf do you do?!

/from texas
//the above was rhetorical


Oh, come on. Do they not watch American TV/movies? Have they no boner pill advertisements? biatches be eating nachos all the time.
2014-05-13 12:43:42 PM  
1 votes:
 life is too short to make your own tortilla and then fry up batches of chips

Two things, you lime eating heathen.
No. It's not.
And you're supposed to call them crisps in the wisdom of your farking limey farking attitude of farking up every possible thing about food that you can.

No go out to the dust bin and scoop up some bangers and mash and make me a proper Nacho wiht Toe-Mah_toe sauce, you freaking moran. Show me how you're going to fark up the best snack ever. . .

The boffins of industrial food processing have spent years perfecting the tortilla chip

Christ, you people are stupid. You couldn't get any dumber.
Therefore, avoid any sour cream and chive or chilli/lime-spiked chips and choose a bag from a point on the spectrum between "lightly salted" and Doritos Cool Original.Correction, you COULD get dumber.In fact, I'm just going to stop reading there, because I know I'm just going to have to write the Queen mother a letter and ask her to please have you executed in the tower of London and then kill herself for lording over such culinary retarded people.
2014-05-13 12:37:02 PM  
1 votes:

scottydoesntknow: However the fark you want to eat them. There's no uniformity with nachos, so you just resign yourself to the fact that you're going to make a huge mess and then dig in.

A note on etiquette
If you are British, please avoid the phrases, "loaded nachos" or "all the fixings". You are not a character in American Pie.

So did they just pick a movie with the word 'American' in it? I don't remember the phrase "loaded nachos" or "all the fixings" in it.


They meant "American Frito Pie."
2014-05-13 12:36:40 PM  
1 votes:

Wasilla Hillbilly: Um....it seems pretty straight forward. As long as you don't go at it like it's a pie-eating contest, you're probably good to go.


Many cultures eat 'American' dishes differently. Like using a knife and fork for burgers, or pizza.

Americans often eat other cultural dishes oddly as well so it's a wash.

In a culture with no texmex being presented with a steaming bowl of cheese-chip soup is confusing to consume. You don't use a spoon, wtf do you do?!

/from texas
//the above was rhetorical
2014-05-13 12:30:44 PM  
1 votes:

SmackLT: Well, it's a bit complex and you don't want to look stupid around Americans or we'll never let you hear the end of it. The chip tongs should be pretty self explanatory, but remember, the right way to deal with long strands of cheese is to pull it, then fold it atop the chip. Italians roll it like it was pasta and we're forever making fun of them at the finer restaurants.

If the cheese is melted, tradition dictates that you eat it right-handed, whereas a cheese sauce would mean you should eat it left-handed, although that dates back to the late 1800s when Irish immigrants used their right hands for cheese spoons, which have since been replaced with the Hanzer ladle--don't ask for one of those, the waiter will use it to give you extra cheese upon request.

If your group orders nachos with jalapenos, make sure to use the two-tined jalapeno fork if you'll be taking any from a communal dish. That much is essential, and many use the fork even in the nicer nacho restaurants when you get your own nacho plate. Americans from the south (primarily Georgia and South Carolina) often use the forks to remove any jalapeno seeds that the chef might have missed, although that's quite rare.

Also, most nacho dishes in the west have a dollop of sour cream on the top or the side when it comes to the table. If it's a communal plate, nobody will touch it until the guest of honor takes some of it. Please take some, as it's considered impolite at least, and even bad luck in places like Seattle and Portland. If you suffer from a dairy allergy, please let your host know before ordering. It's easier to skip the sour cream than face the complicated morass of dividing up the dollop once it comes to the table.


Well done Pocketninja....hey wait.
2014-05-13 12:29:46 PM  
1 votes:
Um....it seems pretty straight forward. As long as you don't go at it like it's a pie-eating contest, you're probably good to go.
2014-05-13 12:26:10 PM  
1 votes:
It doesn't have lyrics to the guacamole song, either. Or the protocol for Second Assembly when you get to the bottom of the dish. This article is useless.
 
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