If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Guardian)   British residents need an entire newspaper column to answer the question, "How do you eat nachos?"   (theguardian.com) divider line 153
    More: Amusing, British Residents, editorials, pulled pork  
•       •       •

3679 clicks; posted to Main » on 13 May 2014 at 12:26 PM (32 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



153 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | » | Last | Show all
 
2014-05-13 11:34:44 AM  
However the fark you want to eat them. There's no uniformity with nachos, so you just resign yourself to the fact that you're going to make a huge mess and then dig in.

A note on etiquette
If you are British, please avoid the phrases, "loaded nachos" or "all the fixings". You are not a character in American Pie.


So did they just pick a movie with the word 'American' in it? I don't remember the phrase "loaded nachos" or "all the fixings" in it.
 
2014-05-13 12:13:04 PM  
As someone who grew up in Texas and now lives in California, I'll take advice on how to make nachos from an Englishman sometime shortly after the heat death of the universe.
 
2014-05-13 12:13:07 PM  
Well, it's a bit complex and you don't want to look stupid around Americans or we'll never let you hear the end of it. The chip tongs should be pretty self explanatory, but remember, the right way to deal with long strands of cheese is to pull it, then fold it atop the chip. Italians roll it like it was pasta and we're forever making fun of them at the finer restaurants.

If the cheese is melted, tradition dictates that you eat it right-handed, whereas a cheese sauce would mean you should eat it left-handed, although that dates back to the late 1800s when Irish immigrants used their right hands for cheese spoons, which have since been replaced with the Hanzer ladle--don't ask for one of those, the waiter will use it to give you extra cheese upon request.

If your group orders nachos with jalapenos, make sure to use the two-tined jalapeno fork if you'll be taking any from a communal dish. That much is essential, and many use the fork even in the nicer nacho restaurants when you get your own nacho plate. Americans from the south (primarily Georgia and South Carolina) often use the forks to remove any jalapeno seeds that the chef might have missed, although that's quite rare.

Also, most nacho dishes in the west have a dollop of sour cream on the top or the side when it comes to the table. If it's a communal plate, nobody will touch it until the guest of honor takes some of it. Please take some, as it's considered impolite at least, and even bad luck in places like Seattle and Portland. If you suffer from a dairy allergy, please let your host know before ordering. It's easier to skip the sour cream than face the complicated morass of dividing up the dollop once it comes to the table.
 
2014-05-13 12:17:36 PM  
Also, if you do this with your chips, you will assuredly get into a fight:

img.fark.net
DON'T DO THIS. EVER! I can't stress this enough.
 
2014-05-13 12:26:10 PM  
It doesn't have lyrics to the guacamole song, either. Or the protocol for Second Assembly when you get to the bottom of the dish. This article is useless.
 
2014-05-13 12:29:28 PM  
No, Brits, you can't have American cheese-and-tortilla-chips appetizers.

Nachos.
 
2014-05-13 12:29:46 PM  
Um....it seems pretty straight forward. As long as you don't go at it like it's a pie-eating contest, you're probably good to go.
 
2014-05-13 12:30:44 PM  

SmackLT: Well, it's a bit complex and you don't want to look stupid around Americans or we'll never let you hear the end of it. The chip tongs should be pretty self explanatory, but remember, the right way to deal with long strands of cheese is to pull it, then fold it atop the chip. Italians roll it like it was pasta and we're forever making fun of them at the finer restaurants.

If the cheese is melted, tradition dictates that you eat it right-handed, whereas a cheese sauce would mean you should eat it left-handed, although that dates back to the late 1800s when Irish immigrants used their right hands for cheese spoons, which have since been replaced with the Hanzer ladle--don't ask for one of those, the waiter will use it to give you extra cheese upon request.

If your group orders nachos with jalapenos, make sure to use the two-tined jalapeno fork if you'll be taking any from a communal dish. That much is essential, and many use the fork even in the nicer nacho restaurants when you get your own nacho plate. Americans from the south (primarily Georgia and South Carolina) often use the forks to remove any jalapeno seeds that the chef might have missed, although that's quite rare.

Also, most nacho dishes in the west have a dollop of sour cream on the top or the side when it comes to the table. If it's a communal plate, nobody will touch it until the guest of honor takes some of it. Please take some, as it's considered impolite at least, and even bad luck in places like Seattle and Portland. If you suffer from a dairy allergy, please let your host know before ordering. It's easier to skip the sour cream than face the complicated morass of dividing up the dollop once it comes to the table.


Well done Pocketninja....hey wait.
 
2014-05-13 12:31:20 PM  

timujin: As someone who grew up in Texas and now lives in California, I'll take advice on how to make nachos from an Englishman sometime shortly after the heat death of the universe.


The brits do fish and chips well.  Everything else would be surpassed by eating the boogers out of a dead man's nose
 
2014-05-13 12:31:35 PM  
With crooked teeth
 
2014-05-13 12:35:53 PM  
you need to fall into the warm loving embrace of stacks of fat and far too many carbs

Okay, fine. I'll give you a hug.
 
2014-05-13 12:36:35 PM  

scottydoesntknow: However the fark you want to eat them. There's no uniformity with nachos, so you just resign yourself to the fact that you're going to make a huge mess and then dig in.

A note on etiquette
If you are British, please avoid the phrases, "loaded nachos" or "all the fixings". You are not a character in American Pie.



Having an attitude like that is how Piers Morgan lost his job
 
2014-05-13 12:36:40 PM  

Wasilla Hillbilly: Um....it seems pretty straight forward. As long as you don't go at it like it's a pie-eating contest, you're probably good to go.


Many cultures eat 'American' dishes differently. Like using a knife and fork for burgers, or pizza.

Americans often eat other cultural dishes oddly as well so it's a wash.

In a culture with no texmex being presented with a steaming bowl of cheese-chip soup is confusing to consume. You don't use a spoon, wtf do you do?!

/from texas
//the above was rhetorical
 
2014-05-13 12:37:02 PM  

scottydoesntknow: However the fark you want to eat them. There's no uniformity with nachos, so you just resign yourself to the fact that you're going to make a huge mess and then dig in.

A note on etiquette
If you are British, please avoid the phrases, "loaded nachos" or "all the fixings". You are not a character in American Pie.

So did they just pick a movie with the word 'American' in it? I don't remember the phrase "loaded nachos" or "all the fixings" in it.


They meant "American Frito Pie."
 
2014-05-13 12:38:10 PM  
TFAuthor says "no" to refried beans and olives on nachos? Good. More for me.
 
2014-05-13 12:42:50 PM  
1) Form hand(s) into a shovel
2) Shovel nachos into face-hole
 
2014-05-13 12:43:00 PM  
I always wanted to open a restaurant that sells Mexican and soul food. I was going to call it Nacho Mama.
 
2014-05-13 12:43:42 PM  
 life is too short to make your own tortilla and then fry up batches of chips

Two things, you lime eating heathen.
No. It's not.
And you're supposed to call them crisps in the wisdom of your farking limey farking attitude of farking up every possible thing about food that you can.

No go out to the dust bin and scoop up some bangers and mash and make me a proper Nacho wiht Toe-Mah_toe sauce, you freaking moran. Show me how you're going to fark up the best snack ever. . .

The boffins of industrial food processing have spent years perfecting the tortilla chip

Christ, you people are stupid. You couldn't get any dumber.
Therefore, avoid any sour cream and chive or chilli/lime-spiked chips and choose a bag from a point on the spectrum between "lightly salted" and Doritos Cool Original.Correction, you COULD get dumber.In fact, I'm just going to stop reading there, because I know I'm just going to have to write the Queen mother a letter and ask her to please have you executed in the tower of London and then kill herself for lording over such culinary retarded people.
 
2014-05-13 12:44:35 PM  

sendtodave: scottydoesntknow: However the fark you want to eat them. There's no uniformity with nachos, so you just resign yourself to the fact that you're going to make a huge mess and then dig in.

A note on etiquette
If you are British, please avoid the phrases, "loaded nachos" or "all the fixings". You are not a character in American Pie.

So did they just pick a movie with the word 'American' in it? I don't remember the phrase "loaded nachos" or "all the fixings" in it.

They meant "American Frito Pie."


When I was in elementary school they served that shiat to us as a 'meal'.  I thought it was dubious at best, wondering where the food was.  Frito Pie is disgusting (to me) and not a meal.  It's a snack, like those friend monstrosities people make at fairs like twinkies and cookies.
 
2014-05-13 12:44:50 PM  
Nachos for Brits, natch!

Nachos are a Mexican dish made of stale taco shells. They are traditionally eaten by donning a colourful plastic poncho made of plastic to keep the salsa and Nacho dust from turning your fat blubbery body as orange a Guido from Ocean City in a Speedo from Atlantic City. Some people just use a tarp as a bib or plastic sheets. If you sit in the front row you will be splashed like a big breasted blonde in the front row at a Gallagher show.  Sometimes Nachos are made into hats and sold to sports fans who have nowhere to put down a bowl of salsa with spilling it when their team scores. Fortunately this is not a problem your Mother has at sports events because she can cram a tub of salsa into her fat rolls or between her enormous dugong dugs.

Nachos can be covered with salsa or cheez-fud, an orange substance which is a result of an industrial accident involving genetically-modified scale insects and a nuclear reactor. The same substance has been adapted as a wax for surf boards. Cheez-fud can be melted onto nachos under a broiler or simply by exposing them to ultra-violet or gamma radiation. Some mutations are to be expected if you fail to do this.
 
2014-05-13 12:46:14 PM  
With a knife and fork, just like pizza.
 
2014-05-13 12:46:29 PM  

kroonermanblack: Wasilla Hillbilly: Um....it seems pretty straight forward. As long as you don't go at it like it's a pie-eating contest, you're probably good to go.

Many cultures eat 'American' dishes differently. Like using a knife and fork for burgers, or pizza.

Americans often eat other cultural dishes oddly as well so it's a wash.

In a culture with no texmex being presented with a steaming bowl of cheese-chip soup is confusing to consume. You don't use a spoon, wtf do you do?!

/from texas
//the above was rhetorical


Oh, come on. Do they not watch American TV/movies? Have they no boner pill advertisements? biatches be eating nachos all the time.
 
2014-05-13 12:48:06 PM  
really, an article on how to pronounce the word "nachos" would be of more value to the brits.
 
2014-05-13 12:48:21 PM  
Yet they have no problems when it comes to eating corn on the cob through a picket fence
 
2014-05-13 12:50:10 PM  

Paul Baumer: really, an article on how to pronounce the word "nachos" would be of more value to the brits.


i think they teach that at university.
 
2014-05-13 12:51:25 PM  
Don't make fun of the Bridish.

They just have trouble eating anything that isn't slimy or made from intestines.
 
2014-05-13 12:53:25 PM  

Onkel Buck: scottydoesntknow: However the fark you want to eat them. There's no uniformity with nachos, so you just resign yourself to the fact that you're going to make a huge mess and then dig in.

A note on etiquette
If you are British, please avoid the phrases, "loaded nachos" or "all the fixings". You are not a character in American Pie.


Having an attitude like that is how Piers Morgan lost his job


Give it up, Piers. I'm not going to start liking you now that you start patronizing nachos. And take that blowhard Richard Quest with you. I have to change the channel every time he comes on with his obnoxious, jarring vocalizations. Can't CNN find any mellow, non offensive Brits?
 
2014-05-13 12:53:54 PM  
I use my mouth, but if'n you wanna try the South Park method, let me know how that goes.

// cannot imagine stuffing jalapenos up my bum
// bad enough when they come out that way after digestion, but before?
 
2014-05-13 12:54:36 PM  
My wife's cousin was in town from Rome and he had never eaten a taco before.  He tried to eat it the way our Chinese engineers do.  Like this:

www.i-am-bored.com

Not to say I would do any better.  I'm sure I handle chopsticks like an oaf.
 
2014-05-13 12:54:44 PM  

Egoy3k: SmackLT: Well, it's a bit complex and you don't want to look stupid around Americans or we'll never let you hear the end of it. The chip tongs should be pretty self explanatory, but remember, the right way to deal with long strands of cheese is to pull it, then fold it atop the chip. Italians roll it like it was pasta and we're forever making fun of them at the finer restaurants.

If the cheese is melted, tradition dictates that you eat it right-handed, whereas a cheese sauce would mean you should eat it left-handed, although that dates back to the late 1800s when Irish immigrants used their right hands for cheese spoons, which have since been replaced with the Hanzer ladle--don't ask for one of those, the waiter will use it to give you extra cheese upon request.

If your group orders nachos with jalapenos, make sure to use the two-tined jalapeno fork if you'll be taking any from a communal dish. That much is essential, and many use the fork even in the nicer nacho restaurants when you get your own nacho plate. Americans from the south (primarily Georgia and South Carolina) often use the forks to remove any jalapeno seeds that the chef might have missed, although that's quite rare.

Also, most nacho dishes in the west have a dollop of sour cream on the top or the side when it comes to the table. If it's a communal plate, nobody will touch it until the guest of honor takes some of it. Please take some, as it's considered impolite at least, and even bad luck in places like Seattle and Portland. If you suffer from a dairy allergy, please let your host know before ordering. It's easier to skip the sour cream than face the complicated morass of dividing up the dollop once it comes to the table.

Well done Pocketninja....hey wait.


Yeah, that had the mark of quality. I have directed persons of good humor to it.
 
2014-05-13 12:55:43 PM  

Dr Dreidel: I use my mouth, but if'n you wanna try the South Park method, let me know how that goes.

// cannot imagine stuffing jalapenos up my bum
// bad enough when they come out that way after digestion, but before?


Could you perhaps imagine stuffing a non-spicy pepper up your bum?
 
2014-05-13 12:56:17 PM  
With Gerald Ford watching the football game.

img.fark.net
 
2014-05-13 12:57:14 PM  
DNRTF - perhaps it was a foodie review of which beers go best with nachos? It's the only way I can think of to get a whole column out of "with beer"
 
2014-05-13 12:59:37 PM  
Of course the article on British Dental Hygiene is a smal 1"x3" panel, third to last page before the Classifieds.
 
2014-05-13 01:03:42 PM  
Britain has a very small Mexican population, hence bad/little Mexican food.

Our knowledge and quality of curries however, due to our large Indian/Bangladeshi/akistani population, is second to none outside south Asia.
 
2014-05-13 01:03:56 PM  
What no mention of "Nachos, Flanders' Style?"

I thought Brits were into cucumbers and cottage cheese.
 
2014-05-13 01:05:24 PM  
FTA:

Advocates for Mexican food must despair that a dish created on-the-fly by a harassed maître 'd is one that defines Mexican cuisine for a global audience


Nachos define mexican cuisine to the globe?  man, the globe is a farking sad and ignorant place.  yeah, that makes me sad.  that's like saying the definitive american food is the campbell's soup based casserole.
 
2014-05-13 01:05:41 PM  
There are a lot of rules!As I am accustomed to following very few nacho rules (sample rule: "try not to get too much cheese on the cat"), I expect I will be in Big Trouble with The Guardian's Nacho Rules Enforcement Division.
 
2014-05-13 01:05:47 PM  

Bungles: Britain has a very small Mexican population, hence bad/little Mexican food.

Our knowledge and quality of curries however, due to our large Indian/Bangladeshi/akistani population, is second to none outside south Asia.


TRUTH. You've got Coronation Chicken. Getting that in the states is about as likely as getting good BBQ in Iceland.
 
2014-05-13 01:06:32 PM  

SpdrJay: Don't make fun of the Bridish.

They just have trouble eating anything that isn't slimy or made from intestines.


I don't want to alarm you, but outside the US,  globally the reputation of American food is considerably worse than British food.... basically 3 pounds of butter and 3 pounds of salt, all served in a bucket.
 
2014-05-13 01:07:15 PM  
Wine would be wasted and water's a vibe-killer. There is a hell of a lot of grease on that plate, so you need something carbonated, a tongue-scrubber: diet Pepsi or Coke (full fat's too sickly) or a lighter, paler beer, a good lager or blonde ale.

Do they have special cola drinks in Britain made with lard, or something?
 
2014-05-13 01:07:37 PM  
First step is to admit that Brits don't know shiat about a nacho cuz this article's example is just nasty:

img.fark.net
 
2014-05-13 01:10:28 PM  

vudukungfu: life is too short to make your own tortilla and then fry up batches of chips

Two things, you lime eating heathen.
No. It's not.
And you're supposed to call them crisps in the wisdom of your farking limey farking attitude of farking up every possible thing about food that you can.

No go out to the dust bin and scoop up some bangers and mash and make me a proper Nacho wiht Toe-Mah_toe sauce, you freaking moran. Show me how you're going to fark up the best snack ever. . .

The boffins of industrial food processing have spent years perfecting the tortilla chip

Christ, you people are stupid. You couldn't get any dumber.
Therefore, avoid any sour cream and chive or chilli/lime-spiked chips and choose a bag from a point on the spectrum between "lightly salted" and Doritos Cool Original.Correction, you COULD get dumber.In fact, I'm just going to stop reading there, because I know I'm just going to have to write the Queen mother a letter and ask her to please have you executed in the tower of London and then kill herself for lording over such culinary retarded people.


I LOLed :D

Seriously, I rarely buy tortilla chips anymore, I get Bueno corn tortillas, slice 'em into 6ths & fry 'em up in lard. I do a 36 count bag at a time so I have lots of chips for nachos, guac, mini-tostadas, whatever. If I'm just going to eat them I'll put Tia Rita's Red or Green Chile Salt on 'em & chow down.
 
2014-05-13 01:10:30 PM  

Wasilla Hillbilly: Dr Dreidel: I use my mouth, but if'n you wanna try the South Park method, let me know how that goes.

// cannot imagine stuffing jalapenos up my bum
// bad enough when they come out that way after digestion, but before?

Could you perhaps imagine stuffing a non-spicy pepper up your bum?


If it was shaped like a jalapeno? Or really, unless it was a gigantic bell pepper or something...

AHEM. I mean "No".

// not into butt play anyway
// not really into spicy food either, but I'll suffer (especially when smoking)
 
2014-05-13 01:10:50 PM  

Witness99: Can't CNN find any mellow, non offensive Brits?


They're all working for the BBC. We get what's left.
 
2014-05-13 01:10:58 PM  
We Brits don't do well with messy finger food.
 
2014-05-13 01:12:04 PM  
GODDAMNIT, it's CHILI, not chilli, you frikkin' wankers.
 
2014-05-13 01:12:37 PM  

Bungles: outside the US,  globally the reputation of American food is considerably worse than British food.... basically 3 pounds of butter and 3 pounds of salt, all served in a bucket.

www.quintonreport.com

[breathes heavily]

 
2014-05-13 01:15:10 PM  
A whole column to say "With a fork and knife"?
 
2014-05-13 01:15:11 PM  

Paul Baumer: really, an article on how to pronounce the word "nachos" would be of more value to the brits.


You do realize you're referring to the country where people pronounce the name "Manuel" as if it were spelled "Man-yoo-el", and that is AFTER THEY HAVE HEARD IT SAID PROPERLY.
 
Displayed 50 of 153 comments

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | » | Last | Show all

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
On Twitter





In Other Media


  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report