Do you have adblock enabled?
 
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(The Onion)   "I can assure our customers that we were not aware our manufacturers were sourcing diamonds tainted by the darkling Urla"   (theonion.com ) divider line
    More: Satire, Sterling Jewelers, manufacturers, wedding rings, diamonds, customers  
•       •       •

6147 clicks; posted to Main » on 12 May 2014 at 9:07 PM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



36 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2014-05-12 08:50:59 PM  
I like the word "darkling." I wish I could use it more in conversation, in a totally non-racial context of course. A witches' convention, when a witch has a toddler in a stroller. "My, young wiccan, what a fetching little darkling you have there..."
 
2014-05-12 09:10:44 PM  
i.imgur.com
 
2014-05-12 09:16:00 PM  
Kay Jewelers ordered a recall Thursday of some two million cursed wedding bands

Aren't all of them cursed?
 
2014-05-12 09:20:47 PM  

TheOther: Kay Jewelers ordered a recall Thursday of some two million cursed wedding bands

Aren't all of them cursed?


Depends on the witch you marry
 
2014-05-12 09:22:35 PM  
1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2014-05-12 09:38:42 PM  
Wow, I missed seeing "theonion.com" and the Satire tag, just dove in as if it was a regular article. To my credit I only got three sentences in before my bullshiat meter went off.
 
2014-05-12 09:41:20 PM  
When i asked my current wife to marry me, i pulled out a box, and before opening it. I said "do you love me more than anything?" And she said "Yes, more than anything". I then opened the box and presented her with a sized wooden ring just to see her reaction. She cried..and hugged me..and told me it was the most beautiful thing in the world. Then i gave her the real one.

/Country girl for the win, still married, best wife ever.
 
2014-05-12 09:41:33 PM  
I hate to be a Debbie Downer and all, but the Onion article --- like all good humor and most all Onion articles --- basically speaks the truth.

Want pretty diamonds?  This is where they come from:

www.personal.psu.edu

http://businessethicscases.blogspot.com/2013/04/de-beers-mining-grou p- diamonds-root-of.html

People who know the truth about where diamonds come from yet purchase them anyway are unethical.
 
2014-05-12 09:42:24 PM  

Bit'O'Gristle: When i asked my current wife to marry me, i pulled out a box, and before opening it. I said "do you love me more than anything?" And she said "Yes, more than anything". I then opened the box and presented her with a sized wooden ring just to see her reaction. She cried..and hugged me..and told me it was the most beautiful thing in the world. Then i gave her the real one.

/Country girl for the win, still married, best wife ever.


CSB.  Awesome.
 
2014-05-12 09:44:55 PM  

Gunboat: I hate to be a Debbie Downer and all, but the Onion article --- like all good humor and most all Onion articles --- basically speaks the truth.

Want pretty diamonds?  This is where they come from:

http://businessethicscases.blogspot.com/2013/04/de-beers-mining-grou p- diamonds-root-of.html

People who know the truth about where diamonds come from yet purchase them anyway are unethical.


A lot of people know about chocolate and coffee and still buy them.
 
2014-05-12 09:47:36 PM  
You can get Canadian diamonds if you care about African child slaves mining diamonds at gunpoint. Sure our oil may be killing the planet slowly but at least you'll feel good about your engagement ring.
 
2014-05-12 09:58:30 PM  

Unright: [i.imgur.com image 375x355]


Hey thanks for that now I gotta clean vomit off my monitor!!
 
2014-05-12 09:59:35 PM  

RockofAges: Gunboat: I hate to be a Debbie Downer and all, but the Onion article --- like all good humor and most all Onion articles --- basically speaks the truth.

Want pretty diamonds?  This is where they come from:

[www.personal.psu.edu image 400x270]

http://businessethicscases.blogspot.com/2013/04/de-beers-mining-grou p- diamonds-root-of.html

People who know the truth about where diamonds come from yet purchase them anyway are unethical.

QQ moar. The world ain't perfect. People who can afford to purchase "ethical diamonds" are the same type of people who drive a Prius and look down on us filthy "gas-izens". Hey, pal -- some of us actually work for a living and can barely afford something better than cubic zirconium (zarconium if your name is Ricky). We don't have "conscience cash" to throw at boutique jeweller's shoppes.



That was a strangely normal post.   Very odd for Fark.    Like there are a few normal people still here posting.
 
2014-05-12 10:02:02 PM  

Gunboat: I hate to be a Debbie Downer and all, but the Onion article --- like all good humor and most all Onion articles --- basically speaks the truth.

Want pretty diamonds?  This is where they come from:

[www.personal.psu.edu image 400x270]

http://businessethicscases.blogspot.com/2013/04/de-beers-mining-grou p- diamonds-root-of.html

People who know the truth about where diamonds come from yet purchase them anyway are unethical.


They gotta eat too. Why do you hate job creators?
 
2014-05-12 10:05:36 PM  
It's time for the Wormwood!
 
2014-05-12 10:06:45 PM  
Can't we just make diamonds now?  Like, with science?  Why do people still pay thousands of dollars for them?
 
2014-05-12 10:13:22 PM  
Oh, and

starcasm.net
 
2014-05-12 10:13:58 PM  

Candygram4Mongo: I like the word "darkling." I wish I could use it more in conversation, in a totally non-racial context of course. A witches' convention, when a witch has a toddler in a stroller. "My, young wiccan, what a fetching little darkling you have there..."


Play this! http://rpg.drivethrustuff.com/product/50010/Changeling-The-Lost

It's a very cool roleplaying game, and 'darkling' is one of the major types. All sorts of spooky nocturnal fae fall into it.
 
2014-05-12 10:32:27 PM  
nytmare:

That's bad.
 
2014-05-12 10:33:33 PM  

RockofAges: netcentric: RockofAges: Gunboat: I hate to be a Debbie Downer and all, but the Onion article --- like all good humor and most all Onion articles --- basically speaks the truth.

Want pretty diamonds?  This is where they come from:

[www.personal.psu.edu image 400x270]

http://businessethicscases.blogspot.com/2013/04/de-beers-mining-grou p- diamonds-root-of.html

People who know the truth about where diamonds come from yet purchase them anyway are unethical.

QQ moar. The world ain't perfect. People who can afford to purchase "ethical diamonds" are the same type of people who drive a Prius and look down on us filthy "gas-izens". Hey, pal -- some of us actually work for a living and can barely afford something better than cubic zirconium (zarconium if your name is Ricky). We don't have "conscience cash" to throw at boutique jeweller's shoppes.


That was a strangely normal post.   Very odd for Fark.    Like there are a few normal people still here posting.

It just reminds me of landed aristocrats back in the day smirking about the peasants eating mouldy bread as if they had a choice in the matter. "Dumb and rude idiots? Can't they see the mould?"


Except diamonds are a luxury good. People just think they need them to get married because the marketing departments at diamond companies are very good at what they do. Comparing it to staple foods is asinine.
 
2014-05-12 10:34:12 PM  

TheOther: Kay Jewelers ordered a recall Thursday of some two million cursed wedding bands

Aren't all of them cursed?


As long as they dont put the curse on cock rings im good
 
2014-05-12 10:36:10 PM  
that was weird and not funny.
 
2014-05-12 10:47:38 PM  

RockofAges: Gunboat: I hate to be a Debbie Downer and all, but the Onion article --- like all good humor and most all Onion articles --- basically speaks the truth.

Want pretty diamonds?  This is where they come from:

[www.personal.psu.edu image 400x270]

http://businessethicscases.blogspot.com/2013/04/de-beers-mining-grou p- diamonds-root-of.html

People who know the truth about where diamonds come from yet purchase them anyway are unethical.

QQ moar. The world ain't perfect. People who can afford to purchase "ethical diamonds" are the same type of people who drive a Prius and look down on us filthy "gas-izens". Hey, pal -- some of us actually work for a living and can barely afford something better than cubic zirconium (zarconium if your name is Ricky). We don't have "conscience cash" to throw at boutique jeweller's shoppes.


So buy a vintage/estate/pawnstore ring instead. Or better yet, a lab-created diamond, which are generally WAY cheaper for the quality and size, and are still made of crystalline carbon just like one out of the ground. Or don't buy a goddamn diamond. There are other pretty rocks in the world.

Don't have the money for free-range chicken? ok, everyone has to eat. Don't have the money to get diamonds that aren't blood diamonds? don't buy diamonds, no one will die without fancy jewelry. And if she thinks she will, you're better of without her. (Yes, many industrial uses do actually require diamond, but mostly they only need diamond dust, and certainly not perfectly clear natural full-carat diamonds.)
 
2014-05-12 10:57:00 PM  

PolyHatSnake: Wow, I missed seeing "theonion.com" and the Satire tag, just dove in as if it was a regular article. To my credit I only got three sentences in before my bullshiat meter went off.


Sentence one:  Apologizing to customers for "any discomfort or searing of the flesh" on their ring fingers, Kay Jewelers ordered a recall Thursday of some two million cursed wedding bands sold at its 900 locations nationwide over the past several years.

Sentence two:  "We announce with great regret that a considerable portion of our inventory, mostly from the Leo Diamond and Neil Lane Bridal lines, became cursed by an ancient evil either within the mine or at some point during the casting process," company executive Judith Stelling said, responding to widespread reports of agonizing night terrors and chronic infertility among Kay patrons.

So, at this point, you still thought it was real, and it was only the next sentence that convinced you something was up.
 
2014-05-12 11:02:59 PM  
I'm not sure I should be watching that right now as stoned as I am.
 
2014-05-12 11:04:33 PM  

RockofAges: Gunboat: I hate to be a Debbie Downer and all, but the Onion article --- like all good humor and most all Onion articles --- basically speaks the truth.

Want pretty diamonds?  This is where they come from:

[www.personal.psu.edu image 400x270]

http://businessethicscases.blogspot.com/2013/04/de-beers-mining-grou p- diamonds-root-of.html

People who know the truth about where diamonds come from yet purchase them anyway are unethical.

QQ moar. The world ain't perfect. People who can afford to purchase "ethical diamonds" are the same type of people who drive a Prius and look down on us filthy "gas-izens". Hey, pal -- some of us actually work for a living and can barely afford something better than cubic zirconium (zarconium if your name is Ricky). We don't have "conscience cash" to throw at boutique jeweller's shoppes.


7.5/10

Good job!
 
2014-05-12 11:42:14 PM  
cdn.static.ovimg.com
Kay's recall specialists.
 
2014-05-13 01:02:12 AM  
My wife got a CZ when we got engaged, and for our ten year anniversary she got a fine new Moissanite because the CZ was showing its age.  She was involved with both purchases and is happy without a diamond.

The new rock is gorgeous; fark DeBeers, their artificial scarcity, and their human rights violations.
 
2014-05-13 01:10:48 AM  
moissanite is kinda badass
 
2014-05-13 01:14:34 AM  
The onion is funny again? Fark ya, it's the 90's again!

well maybe...
 
2014-05-13 06:09:49 AM  
Misleading article is misleading.  First off, the entire thing is portrayed as if angry spirits are only tied to diamonds.  They can also be tied to locales, such as with Gozer and Vigo both associated with NYC or the desecration of Cuesta Verde.  Were those involved in the recall and pending class-action lawsuit able to conclusively determine the diamonds were the cause of their misfortunes?  I doubt it.  They probably went to Consumerist, saw someone else biatching for no goddamn reason.  By issuing a recall, Kay's just being a good corporate citizen.  Second, the pregnant couple was given a 68% chance their child would have no soul, but the baseline rate for having no souls is 86% among Baby Boomers.  So, they should be paying Kay extra.

My wife is unaffected because she is allowed to wear a Cloak of Resistance without violating company dress code.  If you don't have similar privileges it's your own goddamn fault.
 
2014-05-13 09:02:22 AM  

RockofAges: Gunboat: I hate to be a Debbie Downer and all, but the Onion article --- like all good humor and most all Onion articles --- basically speaks the truth.

Want pretty diamonds?  This is where they come from:

[www.personal.psu.edu image 400x270]

http://businessethicscases.blogspot.com/2013/04/de-beers-mining-grou p- diamonds-root-of.html

People who know the truth about where diamonds come from yet purchase them anyway are unethical.

QQ moar. The world ain't perfect. People who can afford to purchase "ethical diamonds" are the same type of people who drive a Prius and look down on us filthy "gas-izens". Hey, pal -- some of us actually work for a living and can barely afford something better than cubic zirconium (zarconium if your name is Ricky). We don't have "conscience cash" to throw at boutique jeweller's shoppes.


Best case Ontario, instead of travelling the world like Indianapolis Jones, they should opt for diamonds from the Canadian north, satisfying their consciences and supporting our economy.  It's like getting two birds stoned at once.  You just have to remember that what comes around is all around.
 
2014-05-13 10:51:20 AM  

Gunboat: I hate to be a Debbie Downer and all, but the Onion article --- like all good humor and most all Onion articles --- basically speaks the truth.

Want pretty diamonds?  This is where they come from:

[www.personal.psu.edu image 400x270]

http://businessethicscases.blogspot.com/2013/04/de-beers-mining-grou p- diamonds-root-of.html

People who know the truth about where diamonds come from yet purchase them anyway are unethical.



from the picture, it looks like global warming has arrived in Nunavut and the Northwest Territories
 
2014-05-13 11:41:01 AM  

Gunboat: I hate to be a Debbie Downer and all, but the Onion article --- like all good humor and most all Onion articles --- basically speaks the truth.

Want pretty diamonds?  This is where they come from:

[www.personal.psu.edu image 400x270]

http://businessethicscases.blogspot.com/2013/04/de-beers-mining-grou p- diamonds-root-of.html

People who know the truth about where diamonds come from yet purchase them anyway are unethical.


Hey pal what do you have against hard working people? Do you even realize how hard it is to keep those slaves in line and working. Why if you are not beating the little bastards day in and day out they slack off and when they get uppity ... well you best keep your shotgun handy.
 
2014-05-13 03:15:58 PM  
Where can I get those rings? There are a few "ladies" I'd like to give them to.
 
2014-05-14 01:09:52 AM  
Uh....anyone interested in Karelian diamonds...?
 
Displayed 36 of 36 comments

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
On Twitter






In Other Media


  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report