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(The New York Times)   Not news: Most stores throughout the world will give you a polite message informing you when it is time to close. News: China does this differently. Fark: By playing the same Kenny G song over and over again until you leave   (nytimes.com) divider line 50
    More: Strange  
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2868 clicks; posted to Main » on 11 May 2014 at 7:45 AM (23 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



50 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2014-05-11 06:51:24 AM  
Music venues have been doing this for ages with "Greensleeves".
 
2014-05-11 07:49:54 AM  
In Japan they play Auld Lang Syne.
 
2014-05-11 07:54:23 AM  
Like the song the DJ uses to clear out the club
 
2014-05-11 07:54:35 AM  
Well, um, played, China.
 
2014-05-11 07:54:59 AM  

Apos: Well, um, played, China.


I see what you did there
 
2014-05-11 07:56:46 AM  
That would work for me. Kenny G is vomitrocious.
 
2014-05-11 08:01:49 AM  
That's just cruel
 
2014-05-11 08:06:49 AM  
Here in the states when stores want you to leave they play christmas music.

//works every time.
 
2014-05-11 08:12:02 AM  
I would leave an establishment if they started playing Kenny G too. Nicely done.
 
2014-05-11 08:16:17 AM  
Conformity is enforced through repetition.  Not a revolutionary concept.
 
2014-05-11 08:24:04 AM  
To empty a large record store I worked at many years ago, "Machine Gun" by the Peter Brötzmann Octet was the choice when closing time came around.
 
2014-05-11 08:32:44 AM  

DrBenway: To empty a large record store I worked at many years ago, "Machine Gun" by the Peter Brötzmann Octet was the choice when closing time came around.


After listening to it... yeah, that'll work.
 
2014-05-11 08:41:40 AM  
Back in the day at Valhalla ( the Rice U. Grad student bar), the closing bartender had the Bible audio tapes in reserve to coax reluctant patrons to leave at closing time.

/ usually the mere threat was enough.
// not sure if there is a digital version now
 
2014-05-11 08:43:17 AM  
 
2014-05-11 08:49:06 AM  
With the garbage played in US stores, who'd notice.  I recall one year, a store was playing Beach Boys and other old beach music, in January, and people were still shopping.  I stayed out of that store as much as possible till they changed it.
 
2014-05-11 08:50:00 AM  
I'm surprised "over and over" would ever be necessary aside from conventions for the hearing-impaired.
 
2014-05-11 08:50:35 AM  
At the record store/head shop I worked at in the 70s, I found that Ravi Shankar would clear the store pretty efficiently.
 
2014-05-11 08:53:51 AM  

skinink: Personally I'd prefer the Careless Whisper saxaphone solo.


I won't see anything funnier than that today.
How have I not seen that before?
I'm freak'n die'n over here xD
 
2014-05-11 08:54:14 AM  
img1.wikia.nocookie.net
They tried using Chuck Mangione, but the people just moved in.
 
2014-05-11 09:03:19 AM  

DrBenway: To empty a large record store I worked at many years ago, "Machine Gun" by the Peter Brötzmann Octet was the choice when closing time came around.


What in the HELL was that?

I always preferred "Get The Fark Out" by Skid Row.
 
2014-05-11 09:20:40 AM  
 
2014-05-11 09:29:59 AM  
My sister-in-law has this Kenny G Christmas album she insists on playing over the holidays. Really annoying. But then her family's musical tastes are so unbelievably "white bread" that it makes Anne Murray sound like Slayer.

I suspect ol' Kenny there is narcoleptic and is constantly falling asleep, and when one of his band mates has to periodically wake him up, he needs to play a bit faster to catch up with the song he's supposed to be playing.

Musical Chloroform.
 
2014-05-11 09:42:08 AM  

skinink: Personally I'd prefer the Careless Whisper saxaphone solo.


Okay, that was funny.
 
2014-05-11 09:43:55 AM  

DrBenway: To empty a large record store I worked at many years ago, "Machine Gun" by the Peter Brötzmann Octet was the choice when closing time came around.


I usually used the Birthday Party's "greatest" hits.
 
2014-05-11 09:59:34 AM  
Hmmm, wonder what happens when they play Danger Zone?
 
2014-05-11 09:59:53 AM  

Kid Shelleen: At the record store/head shop I worked at in the 70s, I found that Ravi Shankar would clear the store pretty efficiently.


So, today.... Norah Jones?
 
2014-05-11 10:13:16 AM  

lack of warmth: With the garbage played in US stores, who'd notice.  I recall one year, a store was playing Beach Boys and other old beach music, in January, and people were still shopping.  I stayed out of that store as much as possible till they changed it.


You got a problem with Surf Rock?
 
2014-05-11 10:15:37 AM  
I once tried to clear a dive bar by playing Meat Loaf on repeat.

It backfired completely.
 
2014-05-11 10:16:15 AM  
I'm sorry, subby, but if Kenny G isn't your idea of "polite," then I really don't know what to say.
 
2014-05-11 10:36:31 AM  
www.collativelearning.com
 
2014-05-11 10:49:50 AM  

flypusher713: Back in the day at Valhalla ( the Rice U. Grad student bar), the closing bartender had the Bible audio tapes in reserve to coax reluctant patrons to leave at closing time.

/ usually the mere threat was enough.
// not sure if there is a digital version now


My memory is admittedly hazy (much cheap beer was consumed there), but I think Valhalla was the first place I ever played Pong at.
 
2014-05-11 10:58:19 AM  
Someone needs to contact the UN, I believe this is in direct violation of the Geneva Conventions.
 
2014-05-11 11:16:04 AM  
I was in China a dozen years ago. Everywhere we went they had Kenny G playing like it was the national anthem or something.
 
2014-05-11 11:27:34 AM  
I had a friend who worked as a Tower Records drone back in the 90's, and one of the sure-fire tunes they used was "Dead Puppies" by Ogden Edsl. If that didn't work, the manager would use the nuclear option and get out the Shepherd Kings CD.
 
2014-05-11 11:31:37 AM  

Apos: Well, um nega, played, China.

 
2014-05-11 11:31:45 AM  

Geordles: That would work for me. Kenny G is vomitrocious.


When I go to burn in Hell, the muzak will be be Kenny G and that no-talent ass-clown Michael Bolton.
 
2014-05-11 11:59:38 AM  

dpaul007: DrBenway: To empty a large record store I worked at many years ago, "Machine Gun" by the Peter Brötzmann Octet was the choice when closing time came around.

What in the HELL was that?

I always preferred "Get The Fark Out" by Skid Row.


We'd start out with Leonard Cohen's "Closing Time" as a hint.  Then the closing theme to the "Lawrence Welk Show".  And if anyone was left, we'd put on Mrs. Miller's cover of "A Hard Day's Night" to effectively scoot out the laggers.
 
2014-05-11 01:52:43 PM  
I had a friend in Prague who always closed his bar with Wesley Willis. I remember this exchange one evening, after he had put it on:

Regular customer: Damn, you put Wesley on. Does that mean we have to go?
Owner: You can have another drink, but I won't change the music.
Regular: (brief pause) OK, I'll pay then.
 
2014-05-11 02:11:30 PM  
As long as it's not Nickleback, I don't care.
 
2014-05-11 02:33:31 PM  
That's farking inhumane!

Just waterboard them already!
 
2014-05-11 02:53:56 PM  

rocinante721: The opening theme of JOCKO HOMO at full volume (great for a ring tone, too)


Are they not human?

Otherwise, I hated closing time retail. Every night without fail, a large group of people show up with 5 minutes to go and would try to stay there for 30 minutes or more if they were allowed. While they're there, they would fark up everything that you had cleaned up and reorganized and expect you to ring up their sales on registers that were closed because there were 5 minutes left in the working day.

/clothing retail at Kohl's during christmas made me never want to work clothing retail ever again
//they didn't pay us enough to put up with the customers' shiat and corporate's shiat
 
2014-05-11 03:05:09 PM  
I'd just play this.

http://youtu.be/N7awnRAdbPk
 
2014-05-11 04:41:00 PM  
"Kenny G has a new Christmas Album out. Happy Birthday Jesus, hope you like crap."

--Norm McDonald
 
2014-05-11 07:08:10 PM  
I was at a rave that herded the drugged-up kiddos out with Bieber.... although Bieber fit the closed-down bowling alley venue quite a bit better than four-to-the-floor.
 
2014-05-11 07:28:30 PM  
Surprised nobody's mentioned "The Closing Song" by Red Peters. Nothing more polite than a lounge singer saying "Finish your beer. Get the fark outta here."
 
2014-05-11 08:50:30 PM  

chewd: Here in the states when stores want you to leave they play christmas music.

//works every time.


It works so well that I almost completely avoid shopping in any store that plays Christmas music.
 
2014-05-11 08:54:04 PM  
The college-town Starbucks I used to frequent would change from their standard corporate playlist to one particular rendition of the banana boat song - "daylight come an' me wan' go home" was a polite enough hint, along with cranking up the volume quite a bit.

Whereas when I worked retail, I'm pretty sure the company's custom blend of advertising and muzak kept going 24/7, unchanging, pitching gift cards and loyalty club memberships to people stocking shelves and sweeping the greenhouse floor three hours after closing. We did get a little bit of leeway with having to do manual "get the fark out but give us your money first" closing time messages, at least.
 
2014-05-11 09:30:53 PM  
I used to work at Tower Records.  We would use Wesley Willis.  Only the right kind of people can handle that.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWWsWP9bPAg
 
2014-05-11 10:35:46 PM  
I am the exact sicko who would want to stay longer with Wesley Willis.

/EAT A LLAMA'S shiatTY ASS WITH HEINZ TOMATO KETCHUP.
 
2014-05-12 12:54:52 PM  
This bar I used to frequent back in the day, they would play polka music to get people to leave.

//didn't work on us-we liked the polka music LOL
//we still left because we knew the wait staff wanted to go home and some of us were wait staff ourselves
//csb
 
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