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(Slate)   Let's publish a how-to article on stopping a wedding. What could possibly go wrong?   (slate.com) divider line 99
    More: Unlikely, false memories  
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7524 clicks; posted to Main » on 09 May 2014 at 4:50 PM (32 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



99 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2014-05-09 02:26:20 PM  
Readers Digest Condensed version of How To Break Up A Marriage:

ELAINE!  *pound pound pound pound pound* ELAINE! *pound pound pound pound pound*  repeat until fully SImon and Garfunkled.
 
2014-05-09 02:47:51 PM  

brap: Readers Digest Condensed version of How To Break Up A Marriage:

ELAINE!  *pound pound pound pound pound* ELAINE! *pound pound pound pound pound*  repeat until fully SImon and Garfunkled.


i30.tinypic.com
 
2014-05-09 04:31:31 PM  
I prefer the CS gas grenade, followed by clubbing the bride over the head, then dragging her off...
 
2014-05-09 04:52:50 PM  
Way to think things through Frank.
 
2014-05-09 04:54:44 PM  
Whats next, how to sleep with a married and not feel like a whore?
 
2014-05-09 04:54:45 PM  
www.slate.com


apparently getting a blowjob from the bride to be in front of the husband to be is a good way to stop the wedding
 
2014-05-09 04:56:47 PM  
I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.
 
2014-05-09 04:56:49 PM  
Hire a woman with a small baby to object and accuse the groom of getting her pregnant and not paying child support.
 
2014-05-09 04:57:32 PM  

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


"Really, nobody wants to stop this?"
 
2014-05-09 04:59:23 PM  
I don't know about stopping the wedding, but I've found it really easy to stop the reception with nothing more than a bottle of Jack and a pair of pants. Well, the lack of the latter really, but my point remains valid though subject to litigation in the State of Connecticut.
 
2014-05-09 04:59:41 PM  

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


Add the auctioneer bit: "going once (look round) ..... going twice .....Bonk! (if no gavel available, just say the word).
 
2014-05-09 05:00:07 PM  
The getaway car is good advice; after you've voiced your objections at the ceremony, you have to be gone in 60 seconds, either alone or with the bride or groom in tow.

Nothing else in this article seems to be any kind of earth-shattering wisdom.
 
2014-05-09 05:00:57 PM  

Tillmaster: SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.

Add the auctioneer bit: "going once (look round) ..... going twice .....Bonk! (if no gavel available, just say the word).


yes.. bonking the bride during the wedding would probably halt it.
 
2014-05-09 05:01:58 PM  

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


Single somebody out. "You, the cute girl sitting in the back by yourself. Nothing?"
 
2014-05-09 05:04:25 PM  

kvinesknows: [www.slate.com image 590x443]


apparently getting a blowjob from the bride to be in front of the husband to be is a good way to stop the wedding


LOL
 
2014-05-09 05:04:48 PM  

Super Chronic: The getaway car is good advice; after you've voiced your objections at the ceremony, you have to be gone in 60 seconds, either alone or with the bride or groom in tow.

Nothing else in this article seems to be any kind of earth-shattering wisdom.


It probably is earth-shattering wisdom to someone who is willing to actually do it.
 
2014-05-09 05:05:42 PM  
This is pretty farking hilarious.

I especially liked this bit :

"Have a getaway car prepared so that the bride or groom doesn't have to face the embarrassment of his or her friends and family."
 
2014-05-09 05:08:36 PM  

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


I'm officiating a couple weddings soon using the name "Optimus Prime Minister, and yes, the bride and groom (and groom and groom)  have excitingly agreed to even have that printed on the little greeting pamphlets at the wedding. I'm totally going to steal that idea.
 
2014-05-09 05:08:41 PM  
So, where's the article about "How to shut the fark up and mind your own business"?
 
2014-05-09 05:09:07 PM  

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


That's funny. Then tell the crowd that you need to check social media sites for any objections too, for thoroughness.
 
2014-05-09 05:10:40 PM  

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


Actually, I think it's only in there (if it is) as a leftover from the days when somebody might be already married, or too close of a relative to marry, things like that, that were legal barriers to the wedding, that might not be easily verifiable.  It wasn't for "oh, he's just no good for her" or "she's a golddigger" and matters of taste or character.  No harm in leaving it in though.  When you leave the long silence, you may want to end it with "......Nobody?  Really?" and then kind of a noncommittal shrug.  But whatever; develop your own style.  ;^D
 
2014-05-09 05:13:37 PM  
I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned
 
2014-05-09 05:18:27 PM  
This thread delivers so far.
 
2014-05-09 05:18:51 PM  

Tillmaster: SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.

Add the auctioneer bit: "going once (look round) ..... going twice .....Bonk! (if no gavel available, just say the word).


YUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!
 
2014-05-09 05:19:10 PM  

TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned


Ooh! Tell us the story, TrixieDelite!

/sits in front of you excitedly
//sucker for an interesting wedding story
 
2014-05-09 05:20:09 PM  

Tillmaster: SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.

Add the auctioneer bit: "going once (look round) ..... going twice .....Bonk! (if no gavel available, just say the word).


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HktCtGRYrbo
 
2014-05-09 05:21:41 PM  

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


That's what my Grandpa did. He was a JoP and officiated my wedding. He made jokes about it and waited almost five minutes before he continued. He could have fun and be informal and it was mostly family there.
 
2014-05-09 05:26:06 PM  
Not one mention of a time machine. It's too late for me. Save yourselves.
 
2014-05-09 05:26:32 PM  

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


I got married last December, and the officiant did exactly that.  He'd been friends with the bride for about 20 years.  He's gay, so it's not like he wanted her for himself.  No one objected.

I'm_out_of_popcorn: []

That's what my Grandpa did. He was a JoP and officiated my wedding. He made jokes about it and waited almost five minutes before he continued. He could have fun and be informal and it was mostly family there.


Five minutes?!  Our guy waited maybe 15 seconds, which felt like as many minutes.  I would be extremely unhappy with your grandpa, I have to admit.
 
2014-05-09 05:27:32 PM  
Be gay*

Not applicable in Massachusetts.

May get you killed in Ukrania and the rest of Russia too.
 
2014-05-09 05:31:20 PM  

Shedim: TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned

Ooh! Tell us the story, TrixieDelite!

/sits in front of you excitedly
//sucker for an interesting wedding story


The groom and I had dated off and on for 12 years. I thought for sure he was THE ONE. Our timing was off, though, and he started dating someone else. I begged him not to marry her, but it was too late--they were going through with it.

Since I wasn't about to stop the wedding and upset the bride, I decided that a little mind-farking was in order, and showed up at the reception site (a really nice restaurant). I asked the hostess to go into the reception and get the best man. She did, and he came out with his eyes wiiiiide open. This was back in the day of size 4 Trixie, with everything being exactly where it should be. And I was poured into a black catsuit with just a black scarf around my waist, hair done, makeup done...

He went back into the reception to get the groom (who was in the middle of pictures). The best man said, "You need to come downstairs with me right now." And the groom said, "I can't." And the best man said, "Dude, yes you can." And where one groom and one best man went, so did the rest of the groomsmen. 20 minutes later, the groom went back into the wedding with just the lightest trace of lipstick on his neck.

/bride found out I was there when she opened up the gift I had left for them
//even scorned women know to bring a gift when crashing a reception. What am I, a farmer?
 
2014-05-09 05:31:35 PM  

TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned


Wow, what'd he do to piss you off that much?
 
2014-05-09 05:34:02 PM  

snake_beater: TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned

Wow, what'd he do to piss you off that much?


Oh, it wasn't him. It was HER. They're long since divorced...I *knew* she wasn't the one.
 
2014-05-09 05:34:19 PM  

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


I have been to a wedding where the best man had to specifically ask the minister to not do it, because we were aware of someone who would have actually stood up to object.

Said person was totally right (pretty much all of us thought the marriage was a bad idea) but yeah, not going to turn the wedding into a shiatshow.
 
2014-05-09 05:34:39 PM  
media.tumblr.com
 
2014-05-09 05:35:20 PM  
www.slate.com

Anyone who dresses like the woman in this picture is obviously crazy, and not to be taken seriously.
 
2014-05-09 05:36:57 PM  

TrixieDelite: Shedim: TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned

Ooh! Tell us the story, TrixieDelite!

/sits in front of you excitedly
//sucker for an interesting wedding story

The groom and I had dated off and on for 12 years. I thought for sure he was THE ONE. Our timing was off, though, and he started dating someone else. I begged him not to marry her, but it was too late--they were going through with it.

Since I wasn't about to stop the wedding and upset the bride, I decided that a little mind-farking was in order, and showed up at the reception site (a really nice restaurant). I asked the hostess to go into the reception and get the best man. She did, and he came out with his eyes wiiiiide open. This was back in the day of size 4 Trixie, with everything being exactly where it should be. And I was poured into a black catsuit with just a black scarf around my waist, hair done, makeup done...

He went back into the reception to get the groom (who was in the middle of pictures). The best man said, "You need to come downstairs with me right now." And the groom said, "I can't." And the best man said, "Dude, yes you can." And where one groom and one best man went, so did the rest of the groomsmen. 20 minutes later, the groom went back into the wedding with just the lightest trace of lipstick on his neck.

/bride found out I was there when she opened up the gift I had left for them
//even scorned women know to bring a gift when crashing a reception. What am I, a farmer?


He ran off with another woman, so you dress up as Black Widow and give him the business at the wedding reception?

/remind me not to piss off my GF
//then again, given my tastes in women, I'd be dead if I tried
 
2014-05-09 05:41:06 PM  
Adam Sandler shows up?
 
2014-05-09 05:42:01 PM  

GQueue: SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.

I have been to a wedding where the best man had to specifically ask the minister to not do it, because we were aware of someone who would have actually stood up to object.

Said person was totally right (pretty much all of us thought the marriage was a bad idea) but yeah, not going to turn the wedding into a shiatshow.


So.... how'd that marriage turn out? Inquiring minds want to know!
 
2014-05-09 05:42:49 PM  

snake_beater: TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned

Wow, what'd he do to piss you off that much?


TrixieDelite: Shedim: TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned

Ooh! Tell us the story, TrixieDelite!

/sits in front of you excitedly
//sucker for an interesting wedding story

The groom and I had dated off and on for 12 years. I thought for sure he was THE ONE. Our timing was off, though, and he started dating someone else. I begged him not to marry her, but it was too late--they were going through with it.

Since I wasn't about to stop the wedding and upset the bride, I decided that a little mind-farking was in order, and showed up at the reception site (a really nice restaurant). I asked the hostess to go into the reception and get the best man. She did, and he came out with his eyes wiiiiide open. This was back in the day of size 4 Trixie, with everything being exactly where it should be. And I was poured into a black catsuit with just a black scarf around my waist, hair done, makeup done...

He went back into the reception to get the groom (who was in the middle of pictures). The best man said, "You need to come downstairs with me right now." And the groom said, "I can't." And the best man said, "Dude, yes you can." And where one groom and one best man went, so did the rest of the groomsmen. 20 minutes later, the groom went back into the wedding with just the lightest trace of lipstick on his neck.

/bride found out I was there when she opened up the gift I had left for them
//even scorned women know to bring a gift when crashing a reception. What am I, a farmer?


If you just know there's somebody psychotic in the room, but you just can't figure out who it is ... it's you.
 
2014-05-09 05:43:54 PM  

Super Chronic: The getaway car is good advice; after you've voiced your objections at the ceremony, you have to be gone in 60 seconds, either alone or with the bride or groom in tow.

Nothing else in this article seems to be any kind of earth-shattering wisdom.


So the getaway car has to be stolen beforehand?
 
2014-05-09 05:46:27 PM  
Make sure to arrive at the wedding suitably dressed, and don't forget your giant robot backup.

dl.dropboxusercontent.com


If no giant robots are available then substitution with a space pirate is customary.
Be sure your letter of marque is up to date and registered with the local colony however, as there is otherwise a fine for using unregistered stealth fighters used as wedding escape vehicles.

dl.dropboxusercontent.com
 
2014-05-09 05:48:23 PM  
images.thenews.com.pk
www.popularresistance.org
 
2014-05-09 05:51:13 PM  

TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned


Pics or it didn't happen. Also we're you already hammered or get hammered during or after? I'd have to be to put on a catsuit for anything.
 
2014-05-09 05:53:39 PM  
That was a lot of words. They could've just said "run up to the front of the church, begin engaging in scat play."
 
2014-05-09 05:54:45 PM  
Ah, the Hoochie Mama protocol.

It's a long standing family tradition. By long standing; I mean that it is an old joke. Hoochie Mama is the "GO" word. If anybody says it at a wedding; it's an IMMEDIATE evac for the person who said it. No questions asked.
 
2014-05-09 05:54:58 PM  

fanbladesaresharp: TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned

Pics or it didn't happen. Also we're you already hammered or get hammered during or after? I'd have to be to put on a catsuit for anything.


Nope. I'm not a drinker. I did have a pic from that night, but given that it was 20+ years ago, I'm not sure where to find it.
 
2014-05-09 05:55:16 PM  

techgeek07: So, where's the article about "How to shut the fark up and mind your own business"?


Pretty sure the publication in question doesn't know anything about that.

/Would be surprised if anyone they know knows anything about that as well.
//It's a culture of "someone has something so it must be mine" over there at Slate, lives included.
 
2014-05-09 05:55:38 PM  
076dd0a50e0c1255009e-bd4b8aabaca29897bc751dfaf75b290c.r40.cf1.rackcdn.com
 
2014-05-09 05:56:42 PM  

TrixieDelite: Shedim: TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned

Ooh! Tell us the story, TrixieDelite!

/sits in front of you excitedly
//sucker for an interesting wedding story

The groom and I had dated off and on for 12 years. I thought for sure he was THE ONE. Our timing was off, though, and he started dating someone else. I begged him not to marry her, but it was too late--they were going through with it.

Since I wasn't about to stop the wedding and upset the bride, I decided that a little mind-farking was in order, and showed up at the reception site (a really nice restaurant). I asked the hostess to go into the reception and get the best man. She did, and he came out with his eyes wiiiiide open. This was back in the day of size 4 Trixie, with everything being exactly where it should be. And I was poured into a black catsuit with just a black scarf around my waist, hair done, makeup done...

He went back into the reception to get the groom (who was in the middle of pictures). The best man said, "You need to come downstairs with me right now." And the groom said, "I can't." And the best man said, "Dude, yes you can." And where one groom and one best man went, so did the rest of the groomsmen. 20 minutes later, the groom went back into the wedding with just the lightest trace of lipstick on his neck.

/bride found out I was there when she opened up the gift I had left for them
//even scorned women know to bring a gift when crashing a reception. What am I, a farmer?


If you weren't in the reception hall, how do you know about the conversation between the the groom and the best man?  I believe you when you say you're not technically a prostitute, but I don't believe this story.
 
2014-05-09 06:00:38 PM  
AttawaYawattA:
If you weren't in the reception hall, how do you know about the conversation between the the groom and the best man?

Because I remained friends with both of them.
 
2014-05-09 06:01:05 PM  

snake_beater: TrixieDelite: Shedim: TrixieDelite: 

He went back into the reception to get the groom (who was in the middle of pictures). The best man said, "You need to come downstairs with me right now." And the groom said, "I can't." And the best man said, "Dude, yes you can." And where one groom and one best man went, so did the rest of the groomsmen. 20 minutes later, the groom went back into the wedding with just the lightest trace of lipstick on his neck.

/bride found out I was there when she opened up the gift I had left for them
//even scorned women know to bring a gift when crashing a reception. What am I, a farmer?

He ran off with another woman, so you dress up as Black Widow and give him the business at the wedding reception?

/remind me not to piss off my GF
//then again, given my ...


You like knifey women, too, huh?
 
2014-05-09 06:04:26 PM  
The vast majority of that article consisted of either "talk yourself out of it" or "get someone else to talk you out of it," which is pretty good advice given the subject matter
 
2014-05-09 06:04:38 PM  

TrixieDelite: AttawaYawattA:
If you weren't in the reception hall, how do you know about the conversation between the the groom and the best man?

Because I remained friends with both of them.


But how many of them did you blow?
 
2014-05-09 06:04:56 PM  
i59.tinypic.com
 
2014-05-09 06:06:38 PM  
i57.tinypic.com
 
2014-05-09 06:10:29 PM  

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


i59.tinypic.com
 
2014-05-09 06:12:08 PM  

Cybernetic: So.... how'd that marriage turn out? Inquiring minds want to know!



i.imgur.com
 
2014-05-09 06:18:20 PM  
"Bill, it's your baby."
 
2014-05-09 06:20:07 PM  
What are all you people blathering on about? brap and charlesmartel11235 nailed it with the one-two punch, right off the bell.
 
2014-05-09 06:24:20 PM  

keypusher: SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.

I got married last December, and the officiant did exactly that.  He'd been friends with the bride for about 20 years.  He's gay, so it's not like he wanted her for himself.  No one objected.

I'm_out_of_popcorn: []

That's what my Grandpa did. He was a JoP and officiated my wedding. He made jokes about it and waited almost five minutes before he continued. He could have fun and be informal and it was mostly family there.

Five minutes?!  Our guy waited maybe 15 seconds, which felt like as many minutes.  I would be extremely unhappy with your grandpa, I have to admit.



I wasn't. It wasn't quiet for those five minutes. He was making jokes about people who could show up and voice objections and other jokes. Everyone was to busy laughing. The whole wedding lasted ten minutes. Everyone still remembers that wedding as the best one they ever went to.
 
2014-05-09 06:25:52 PM  

mjjt: [i57.tinypic.com image 600x803]


That's, like, art, man.
 
2014-05-09 06:28:12 PM  
www.adventuresinpoortaste.com
 
2014-05-09 06:35:44 PM  

Billy Liar: SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.

Actually, I think it's only in there (if it is) as a leftover from the days when somebody might be already married, or too close of a relative to marry, things like that, that were legal barriers to the wedding, that might not be easily verifiable.  It wasn't for "oh, he's just no good for her" or "she's a golddigger" and matters of taste or character.  No harm in leaving it in though.  When you leave the long silence, you may want to end it with "......Nobody?  Really?" and then kind of a noncommittal shrug.  But whatever; develop your own style.  ;^D


Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's a relic from the days when it was a lot easier to skip town and start over again somewhere else and there was less paperwork involved in daily life. The scene in Jane Eyre where Bertha Rochester's relatives interrupt the wedding is predicated on this. That was also the reason that the banns were called from the pulpit for several weeks before an intended marriage -- so that word could get out that these two people planned on marrying, and anyone who knew of a legal entanglement which already existed could let the minister/priest know about it. (Nowadays they don't call banns, but when I got married in a church they did politely request to verify with our parents that to their knowledge neither of us was currently married. I asked the priest if anyone's parents had ever said yes, the child was already married, and apparently he'd had a few cases).
 
2014-05-09 06:36:42 PM  
CASSANDRA!!
 
2014-05-09 06:40:17 PM  
Not going to lie to you, I thought Fark would have more train-wreck marriage breakup stories.  I love Trixie's story, I can't imagine there aren't more.

Won't somebody think of the thread and contribute their shocking truth of the time they walked into their Ex's wedding naked and ended the show?

/Loves drama, but at an internet safe distance thanks.
 
2014-05-09 06:51:13 PM  
img.poptower.com

Can you read body language?  Don't stop a wedding.

Just don't
 
2014-05-09 06:51:41 PM  

dougermouse: Not going to lie to you, I thought Fark would have more train-wreck marriage breakup stories.  I love Trixie's story, I can't imagine there aren't more.

Won't somebody think of the thread and contribute their shocking truth of the time they walked into their Ex's wedding naked and ended the show?

/Loves drama, but at an internet safe distance thanks.


Yeah sorry to disappoint but if you want the shocking details on how I died alone you'll need to wait several years........ several lonely years.
 
2014-05-09 06:55:22 PM  

TrixieDelite: AttawaYawattA:
If you weren't in the reception hall, how do you know about the conversation between the the groom and the best man?

Because I remained friends with both of them.


I think if a marriage can't survive a trixie at the reception, it's not going to last anyway.

If you werent invited to the wedding because of the bride, you may not have gone full psycho by showing up at the reception in a catsuit....at least imho....but it's a little psycho
 
2014-05-09 06:59:11 PM  
ashinmytomatoes:

img.fark.net

easier for her to cause trouble at a wedding back in the day

digilander.libero.it
 
2014-05-09 07:17:40 PM  
Another wedding stopping tip
s17.postimg.org
Bring your elephant to the wedding.
 
2014-05-09 07:20:38 PM  

TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned


img.fark.net
 
2014-05-09 07:28:38 PM  
Is it just me, or does the artwork look a little... familiar? Like the artist may have produced illustrative art for another wiki for other... relationship topics?
 
2014-05-09 07:29:19 PM  
Best interrupted wedding in TV History.

25.media.tumblr.com  25.media.tumblr.com

25.media.tumblr.com  24.media.tumblr.com
 
2014-05-09 07:39:51 PM  
4.bp.blogspot.com
media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com
 
2014-05-09 07:43:36 PM  
This is why you get married by a mayor or justice of the peace without others in attendance, except a mute as your witness.
 
2014-05-09 07:47:17 PM  
www.slate.com
Frighten him by dressing like a Palestinian.

www.slate.com
Scare him off by pretentiously drinking tea like you're turning Japanese.

www.slate.com
Look at yourself. Are you too ugly for me? You're too ugly. Forget it.

www.slate.com
Take a hostile stance and argue about it.

www.slate.com
This joke has already been covered.

www.slate.com
Piss off the whole wedding at the last minute without any warning.
 
2014-05-09 07:48:30 PM  
img.fark.net
 
2014-05-09 07:50:06 PM  

kvinesknows: apparently getting a blowjob from the bride to be in front of the husband to be is a good way to stop the wedding


Funniest thing I've read all week. Thanks for the guffaw
 
2014-05-09 07:59:08 PM  

TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned


Bitter women can be really annoying until you how realize how utterly miserable they will be for the rest of their lives and then all is right with the world.
 
2014-05-09 08:02:10 PM  
Lyle Lovett knows how.

And as she stood there at the altar
All dressed in her gown of white
Her face was bright as stars a'shining
Like I'd dreamed of all my life

And they kissed each other
And they turned around
And they saw me standing in the aisle
Well I did not say much
I just stood there watching
As that .45 told them goodbye
 
2014-05-09 08:06:28 PM  

itsaidwhat: SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.

That's funny. Then tell the crowd that you need to check social media sites for any objections too, for thoroughness.


That would turn funny into hilarious

"@blackbootymana69 says she still has feelings for you, Linda.

Sorry folks, I can't continue under these objections"
 
2014-05-09 08:22:17 PM  

Tax Boy: [4.bp.blogspot.com image 488x275]
[media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com image 360x404]


Looked for this; couldn't find it.  Good work!
 
2014-05-09 08:26:52 PM  

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


Bueller?  Bueller?  Bueller?
 
2014-05-09 08:28:04 PM  

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


All the weddings I've been part of the vicar, priest, etc running the show explained the only objections actually sought are whether one of the people are already married or in the rare instance the mother of one person cheated on her husband with the father of the other a couple of decades earlier to give folks one last chance to come clean and avoid seeing their kids unwittingly enter an incesteous relationship.
 
2014-05-09 08:32:11 PM  
img.fark.net
 
2014-05-09 08:43:26 PM  

Fark like a Barsoomian: [www.slate.com image 308x222]
Frighten him by dressing like a Palestinian.

[www.slate.com image 356x268]
Scare him off by pretentiously drinking tea like you're turning Japanese.

[www.slate.com image 268x202]
Look at yourself. Are you too ugly for me? You're too ugly. Forget it.

[www.slate.com image 308x231]
Take a hostile stance and argue about it.

[www.slate.com image 288x215]
This joke has already been covered.

[www.slate.com image 308x231]
Piss off the whole wedding at the last minute without any warning.


The best part is the bride looks like Jodi Arias
 
2014-05-09 09:04:45 PM  
I almost considered doing this, but the engaged couple broke it off before the wedding.
 
2014-05-09 09:08:06 PM  

TrixieDelite: Shedim: TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned

Ooh! Tell us the story, TrixieDelite!

/sits in front of you excitedly
//sucker for an interesting wedding story

The groom and I had dated off and on for 12 years. I thought for sure he was THE ONE. Our timing was off, though, and he started dating someone else. I begged him not to marry her, but it was too late--they were going through with it.

Since I wasn't about to stop the wedding and upset the bride, I decided that a little mind-farking was in order, and showed up at the reception site (a really nice restaurant). I asked the hostess to go into the reception and get the best man. She did, and he came out with his eyes wiiiiide open. This was back in the day of size 4 Trixie, with everything being exactly where it should be. And I was poured into a black catsuit with just a black scarf around my waist, hair done, makeup done...

He went back into the reception to get the groom (who was in the middle of pictures). The best man said, "You need to come downstairs with me right now." And the groom said, "I can't." And the best man said, "Dude, yes you can." And where one groom and one best man went, so did the rest of the groomsmen. 20 minutes later, the groom went back into the wedding with just the lightest trace of lipstick on his neck.

/bride found out I was there when she opened up the gift I had left for them
//even scorned women know to bring a gift when crashing a reception. What am I, a farmer?


You - you, I like:)
 
2014-05-09 09:20:16 PM  

SomethingToDo: Is it just me, or does the artwork look a little... familiar? Like the artist may have produced illustrative art for another wiki for other... relationship topics?


THAT'S WHERE I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE. I remember now.

/now I've admitted to browsing that kind of shiat
//at least you're guilty with me
 
2014-05-09 09:27:15 PM  

TrixieDelite: Shedim: TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned

Ooh! Tell us the story, TrixieDelite!

/sits in front of you excitedly
//sucker for an interesting wedding story

The groom and I had dated off and on for 12 years. I thought for sure he was THE ONE. Our timing was off, though, and he started dating someone else. I begged him not to marry her, but it was too late--they were going through with it.

Since I wasn't about to stop the wedding and upset the bride, I decided that a little mind-farking was in order, and showed up at the reception site (a really nice restaurant). I asked the hostess to go into the reception and get the best man. She did, and he came out with his eyes wiiiiide open. This was back in the day of size 4 Trixie, with everything being exactly where it should be. And I was poured into a black catsuit with just a black scarf around my waist, hair done, makeup done...

He went back into the reception to get the groom (who was in the middle of pictures). The best man said, "You need to come downstairs with me right now." And the groom said, "I can't." And the best man said, "Dude, yes you can." And where one groom and one best man went, so did the rest of the groomsmen. 20 minutes later, the groom went back into the wedding with just the lightest trace of lipstick on his neck.

/bride found out I was there when she opened up the gift I had left for them
//even scorned women know to bring a gift when crashing a reception. What am I, a farmer?


As a Southern woman well schooled in the fine arts of both scorned fury and tasteful gift giving in all circumstances, I applaud you. Now...I must know...what did you so graciously give them?
 
2014-05-09 09:38:40 PM  

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


img.fark.net
Watch the Vicar of Dibley Wedding Special, both this scene and the final one.
 
2014-05-09 10:17:56 PM  

Fark like a Barsoomian: SomethingToDo: Is it just me, or does the artwork look a little... familiar? Like the artist may have produced illustrative art for another wiki for other... relationship topics?

THAT'S WHERE I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE. I remember now.

/now I've admitted to browsing that kind of shiat
//at least you're guilty with me


You talking about sex positions "literature" or something?
 
2014-05-09 11:00:50 PM  
Unfortunately I missed the wedding of our jerk ex-neighbors whom I wanted to give a little taste of the sort of aggravation they constantly gave us when they lived in an apartment downstairs from us and kept us up late with their constant noise...  would have been some fun revenge!  I was planning to purchase a very large box of bees from a bee-keeper mail-order place and let the huge swarm out in the reception hall when everyone was eating. I also wanted to gift wrap with fancy wedding paper - a roadkill animal of some sort so when they unwrapped it the next morning at the gift opening it would stink up their whole house.  I had a few other ideas, don't recall what they were now, but I would have *loved* to have pulled that off.
 
2014-05-09 11:33:51 PM  

Fark like a Barsoomian: www.slate.com
Scare him off by pretentiously drinking tea like you're turning Japanese.


Like she's turning Japanese, I really think so....
 
2014-05-09 11:43:44 PM  
Have a getaway car prepared so that the bride or groom doesn't have to face the embarrassment of his or her friends and family  you can make a hasty exit from the bank.  Make sure the car is nondescript, rugged, and able to outrun the typical police cruiser.

FTFM.

.... What?  We're not talking about a bank heist?  Um.  My bad.
 
2014-05-10 03:10:44 AM  

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


Have a plant sitting in the audience, who raises his/her hand. You say: 'yes?', your plant then lowers his/her hand and says 'naah.'
 
2014-05-10 08:37:02 AM  

TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned


I bet you have crazy eyes
 
2014-05-10 12:25:21 PM  

TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned


I bet your hubby is proud of you
 
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