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(Slate)   Let's publish a how-to article on stopping a wedding. What could possibly go wrong?   (slate.com) divider line 99
    More: Unlikely, false memories  
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7509 clicks; posted to Main » on 09 May 2014 at 4:50 PM (15 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-05-09 02:26:20 PM
Readers Digest Condensed version of How To Break Up A Marriage:

ELAINE!  *pound pound pound pound pound* ELAINE! *pound pound pound pound pound*  repeat until fully SImon and Garfunkled.
 
2014-05-09 02:47:51 PM

brap: Readers Digest Condensed version of How To Break Up A Marriage:

ELAINE!  *pound pound pound pound pound* ELAINE! *pound pound pound pound pound*  repeat until fully SImon and Garfunkled.


i30.tinypic.com
 
2014-05-09 04:31:31 PM
I prefer the CS gas grenade, followed by clubbing the bride over the head, then dragging her off...
 
2014-05-09 04:52:50 PM
Way to think things through Frank.
 
2014-05-09 04:54:44 PM
Whats next, how to sleep with a married and not feel like a whore?
 
2014-05-09 04:54:45 PM
www.slate.com


apparently getting a blowjob from the bride to be in front of the husband to be is a good way to stop the wedding
 
2014-05-09 04:56:47 PM
I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.
 
2014-05-09 04:56:49 PM
Hire a woman with a small baby to object and accuse the groom of getting her pregnant and not paying child support.
 
2014-05-09 04:57:32 PM

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


"Really, nobody wants to stop this?"
 
2014-05-09 04:59:23 PM
I don't know about stopping the wedding, but I've found it really easy to stop the reception with nothing more than a bottle of Jack and a pair of pants. Well, the lack of the latter really, but my point remains valid though subject to litigation in the State of Connecticut.
 
2014-05-09 04:59:41 PM

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


Add the auctioneer bit: "going once (look round) ..... going twice .....Bonk! (if no gavel available, just say the word).
 
2014-05-09 05:00:07 PM
The getaway car is good advice; after you've voiced your objections at the ceremony, you have to be gone in 60 seconds, either alone or with the bride or groom in tow.

Nothing else in this article seems to be any kind of earth-shattering wisdom.
 
2014-05-09 05:00:57 PM

Tillmaster: SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.

Add the auctioneer bit: "going once (look round) ..... going twice .....Bonk! (if no gavel available, just say the word).


yes.. bonking the bride during the wedding would probably halt it.
 
2014-05-09 05:01:58 PM

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


Single somebody out. "You, the cute girl sitting in the back by yourself. Nothing?"
 
2014-05-09 05:04:25 PM

kvinesknows: [www.slate.com image 590x443]


apparently getting a blowjob from the bride to be in front of the husband to be is a good way to stop the wedding


LOL
 
2014-05-09 05:04:48 PM

Super Chronic: The getaway car is good advice; after you've voiced your objections at the ceremony, you have to be gone in 60 seconds, either alone or with the bride or groom in tow.

Nothing else in this article seems to be any kind of earth-shattering wisdom.


It probably is earth-shattering wisdom to someone who is willing to actually do it.
 
2014-05-09 05:05:42 PM
This is pretty farking hilarious.

I especially liked this bit :

"Have a getaway car prepared so that the bride or groom doesn't have to face the embarrassment of his or her friends and family."
 
2014-05-09 05:08:36 PM

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


I'm officiating a couple weddings soon using the name "Optimus Prime Minister, and yes, the bride and groom (and groom and groom)  have excitingly agreed to even have that printed on the little greeting pamphlets at the wedding. I'm totally going to steal that idea.
 
2014-05-09 05:08:41 PM
So, where's the article about "How to shut the fark up and mind your own business"?
 
2014-05-09 05:09:07 PM

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


That's funny. Then tell the crowd that you need to check social media sites for any objections too, for thoroughness.
 
2014-05-09 05:10:40 PM

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


Actually, I think it's only in there (if it is) as a leftover from the days when somebody might be already married, or too close of a relative to marry, things like that, that were legal barriers to the wedding, that might not be easily verifiable.  It wasn't for "oh, he's just no good for her" or "she's a golddigger" and matters of taste or character.  No harm in leaving it in though.  When you leave the long silence, you may want to end it with "......Nobody?  Really?" and then kind of a noncommittal shrug.  But whatever; develop your own style.  ;^D
 
2014-05-09 05:13:37 PM
I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned
 
2014-05-09 05:18:27 PM
This thread delivers so far.
 
2014-05-09 05:18:51 PM

Tillmaster: SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.

Add the auctioneer bit: "going once (look round) ..... going twice .....Bonk! (if no gavel available, just say the word).


YUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!
 
2014-05-09 05:19:10 PM

TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned


Ooh! Tell us the story, TrixieDelite!

/sits in front of you excitedly
//sucker for an interesting wedding story
 
2014-05-09 05:20:09 PM

Tillmaster: SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.

Add the auctioneer bit: "going once (look round) ..... going twice .....Bonk! (if no gavel available, just say the word).


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HktCtGRYrbo
 
2014-05-09 05:21:41 PM

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


That's what my Grandpa did. He was a JoP and officiated my wedding. He made jokes about it and waited almost five minutes before he continued. He could have fun and be informal and it was mostly family there.
 
2014-05-09 05:26:06 PM
Not one mention of a time machine. It's too late for me. Save yourselves.
 
2014-05-09 05:26:32 PM

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


I got married last December, and the officiant did exactly that.  He'd been friends with the bride for about 20 years.  He's gay, so it's not like he wanted her for himself.  No one objected.

I'm_out_of_popcorn: []

That's what my Grandpa did. He was a JoP and officiated my wedding. He made jokes about it and waited almost five minutes before he continued. He could have fun and be informal and it was mostly family there.


Five minutes?!  Our guy waited maybe 15 seconds, which felt like as many minutes.  I would be extremely unhappy with your grandpa, I have to admit.
 
2014-05-09 05:27:32 PM
Be gay*

Not applicable in Massachusetts.

May get you killed in Ukrania and the rest of Russia too.
 
2014-05-09 05:31:20 PM

Shedim: TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned

Ooh! Tell us the story, TrixieDelite!

/sits in front of you excitedly
//sucker for an interesting wedding story


The groom and I had dated off and on for 12 years. I thought for sure he was THE ONE. Our timing was off, though, and he started dating someone else. I begged him not to marry her, but it was too late--they were going through with it.

Since I wasn't about to stop the wedding and upset the bride, I decided that a little mind-farking was in order, and showed up at the reception site (a really nice restaurant). I asked the hostess to go into the reception and get the best man. She did, and he came out with his eyes wiiiiide open. This was back in the day of size 4 Trixie, with everything being exactly where it should be. And I was poured into a black catsuit with just a black scarf around my waist, hair done, makeup done...

He went back into the reception to get the groom (who was in the middle of pictures). The best man said, "You need to come downstairs with me right now." And the groom said, "I can't." And the best man said, "Dude, yes you can." And where one groom and one best man went, so did the rest of the groomsmen. 20 minutes later, the groom went back into the wedding with just the lightest trace of lipstick on his neck.

/bride found out I was there when she opened up the gift I had left for them
//even scorned women know to bring a gift when crashing a reception. What am I, a farmer?
 
2014-05-09 05:31:35 PM

TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned


Wow, what'd he do to piss you off that much?
 
2014-05-09 05:34:02 PM

snake_beater: TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned

Wow, what'd he do to piss you off that much?


Oh, it wasn't him. It was HER. They're long since divorced...I *knew* she wasn't the one.
 
2014-05-09 05:34:19 PM

SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.


I have been to a wedding where the best man had to specifically ask the minister to not do it, because we were aware of someone who would have actually stood up to object.

Said person was totally right (pretty much all of us thought the marriage was a bad idea) but yeah, not going to turn the wedding into a shiatshow.
 
2014-05-09 05:34:39 PM
media.tumblr.com
 
2014-05-09 05:35:20 PM
www.slate.com

Anyone who dresses like the woman in this picture is obviously crazy, and not to be taken seriously.
 
2014-05-09 05:36:57 PM

TrixieDelite: Shedim: TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned

Ooh! Tell us the story, TrixieDelite!

/sits in front of you excitedly
//sucker for an interesting wedding story

The groom and I had dated off and on for 12 years. I thought for sure he was THE ONE. Our timing was off, though, and he started dating someone else. I begged him not to marry her, but it was too late--they were going through with it.

Since I wasn't about to stop the wedding and upset the bride, I decided that a little mind-farking was in order, and showed up at the reception site (a really nice restaurant). I asked the hostess to go into the reception and get the best man. She did, and he came out with his eyes wiiiiide open. This was back in the day of size 4 Trixie, with everything being exactly where it should be. And I was poured into a black catsuit with just a black scarf around my waist, hair done, makeup done...

He went back into the reception to get the groom (who was in the middle of pictures). The best man said, "You need to come downstairs with me right now." And the groom said, "I can't." And the best man said, "Dude, yes you can." And where one groom and one best man went, so did the rest of the groomsmen. 20 minutes later, the groom went back into the wedding with just the lightest trace of lipstick on his neck.

/bride found out I was there when she opened up the gift I had left for them
//even scorned women know to bring a gift when crashing a reception. What am I, a farmer?


He ran off with another woman, so you dress up as Black Widow and give him the business at the wedding reception?

/remind me not to piss off my GF
//then again, given my tastes in women, I'd be dead if I tried
 
2014-05-09 05:41:06 PM
Adam Sandler shows up?
 
2014-05-09 05:42:01 PM

GQueue: SnakeLee: I've been to a few weddings now and I've never seen anybody put in the "does anybody have any objections" part, even at the big traditional, super formal ones that seem like they're out of a history book.  People have asked me to officiate weddings in the future, so I am not only going to have that part, I'm going to leave a really long silence after I say it.

I have been to a wedding where the best man had to specifically ask the minister to not do it, because we were aware of someone who would have actually stood up to object.

Said person was totally right (pretty much all of us thought the marriage was a bad idea) but yeah, not going to turn the wedding into a shiatshow.


So.... how'd that marriage turn out? Inquiring minds want to know!
 
2014-05-09 05:42:49 PM

snake_beater: TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned

Wow, what'd he do to piss you off that much?


TrixieDelite: Shedim: TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned

Ooh! Tell us the story, TrixieDelite!

/sits in front of you excitedly
//sucker for an interesting wedding story

The groom and I had dated off and on for 12 years. I thought for sure he was THE ONE. Our timing was off, though, and he started dating someone else. I begged him not to marry her, but it was too late--they were going through with it.

Since I wasn't about to stop the wedding and upset the bride, I decided that a little mind-farking was in order, and showed up at the reception site (a really nice restaurant). I asked the hostess to go into the reception and get the best man. She did, and he came out with his eyes wiiiiide open. This was back in the day of size 4 Trixie, with everything being exactly where it should be. And I was poured into a black catsuit with just a black scarf around my waist, hair done, makeup done...

He went back into the reception to get the groom (who was in the middle of pictures). The best man said, "You need to come downstairs with me right now." And the groom said, "I can't." And the best man said, "Dude, yes you can." And where one groom and one best man went, so did the rest of the groomsmen. 20 minutes later, the groom went back into the wedding with just the lightest trace of lipstick on his neck.

/bride found out I was there when she opened up the gift I had left for them
//even scorned women know to bring a gift when crashing a reception. What am I, a farmer?


If you just know there's somebody psychotic in the room, but you just can't figure out who it is ... it's you.
 
2014-05-09 05:43:54 PM

Super Chronic: The getaway car is good advice; after you've voiced your objections at the ceremony, you have to be gone in 60 seconds, either alone or with the bride or groom in tow.

Nothing else in this article seems to be any kind of earth-shattering wisdom.


So the getaway car has to be stolen beforehand?
 
2014-05-09 05:46:27 PM
Make sure to arrive at the wedding suitably dressed, and don't forget your giant robot backup.

dl.dropboxusercontent.com


If no giant robots are available then substitution with a space pirate is customary.
Be sure your letter of marque is up to date and registered with the local colony however, as there is otherwise a fine for using unregistered stealth fighters used as wedding escape vehicles.

dl.dropboxusercontent.com
 
2014-05-09 05:48:23 PM
images.thenews.com.pk
www.popularresistance.org
 
2014-05-09 05:51:13 PM

TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned


Pics or it didn't happen. Also we're you already hammered or get hammered during or after? I'd have to be to put on a catsuit for anything.
 
2014-05-09 05:53:39 PM
That was a lot of words. They could've just said "run up to the front of the church, begin engaging in scat play."
 
2014-05-09 05:54:45 PM
Ah, the Hoochie Mama protocol.

It's a long standing family tradition. By long standing; I mean that it is an old joke. Hoochie Mama is the "GO" word. If anybody says it at a wedding; it's an IMMEDIATE evac for the person who said it. No questions asked.
 
2014-05-09 05:54:58 PM

fanbladesaresharp: TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned

Pics or it didn't happen. Also we're you already hammered or get hammered during or after? I'd have to be to put on a catsuit for anything.


Nope. I'm not a drinker. I did have a pic from that night, but given that it was 20+ years ago, I'm not sure where to find it.
 
2014-05-09 05:55:16 PM

techgeek07: So, where's the article about "How to shut the fark up and mind your own business"?


Pretty sure the publication in question doesn't know anything about that.

/Would be surprised if anyone they know knows anything about that as well.
//It's a culture of "someone has something so it must be mine" over there at Slate, lives included.
 
2014-05-09 05:55:38 PM
076dd0a50e0c1255009e-bd4b8aabaca29897bc751dfaf75b290c.r40.cf1.rackcdn.com
 
2014-05-09 05:56:42 PM

TrixieDelite: Shedim: TrixieDelite: I've never halted a wedding, but I crashed the hell out of my ex' reception. Showed up in a skin-tight black catsuit with just a scarf around my waist. All the groomsmen (and the groom) were downstairs with me in a matter of minutes. The marriage didn't last very long, and really, that's all I wanted. Just a little quiet retribution.

/hell
//fury
///scorned

Ooh! Tell us the story, TrixieDelite!

/sits in front of you excitedly
//sucker for an interesting wedding story

The groom and I had dated off and on for 12 years. I thought for sure he was THE ONE. Our timing was off, though, and he started dating someone else. I begged him not to marry her, but it was too late--they were going through with it.

Since I wasn't about to stop the wedding and upset the bride, I decided that a little mind-farking was in order, and showed up at the reception site (a really nice restaurant). I asked the hostess to go into the reception and get the best man. She did, and he came out with his eyes wiiiiide open. This was back in the day of size 4 Trixie, with everything being exactly where it should be. And I was poured into a black catsuit with just a black scarf around my waist, hair done, makeup done...

He went back into the reception to get the groom (who was in the middle of pictures). The best man said, "You need to come downstairs with me right now." And the groom said, "I can't." And the best man said, "Dude, yes you can." And where one groom and one best man went, so did the rest of the groomsmen. 20 minutes later, the groom went back into the wedding with just the lightest trace of lipstick on his neck.

/bride found out I was there when she opened up the gift I had left for them
//even scorned women know to bring a gift when crashing a reception. What am I, a farmer?


If you weren't in the reception hall, how do you know about the conversation between the the groom and the best man?  I believe you when you say you're not technically a prostitute, but I don't believe this story.
 
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