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(Lifehacker)   Stop falling for "secret" financial advice scams with this one weird trick   (lifehacker.com) divider line 56
    More: Obvious, tricks, secrets  
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5680 clicks; posted to Geek » on 08 May 2014 at 7:39 PM (23 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



56 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2014-05-08 07:04:24 PM  
I built an algorithmic currency trader this semester and realized during the literature review that there are rooms full of Ph.D's of every conceivable flavor figuring this stuff out for the big banks. there's no way a secret tip would exist and not immediately be exploited and made unprofitable immediately.
 
2014-05-08 07:06:29 PM  
Where's the strange cartoon so I can click my age?
 
2014-05-08 07:13:09 PM  
Here is how you make money in the stock market.

Method A:

1. Find a large corporation that leads it's industry (i.e. Amazon, GE, Proctor and Gamble).
2. Buy as many shares as you feel comfortable owning
3. Put it away for at least 5 years and don't even think about it.

Method B: If you can wait to invest, wait until the market crashes.  You could have had Bank of America for less than $3 a share a few years back, if you were smart.  In which case you do the following:

1. Find a large corporation that leads it's industry whose stock has crashed
2. Buy as many shares as you feel comfortable owning
3. Put it away for at least 5 years and don't even think about it.

/you can thank me later
 
2014-05-08 07:46:32 PM  
Wait. The answer is Beanie Babies, right? I just knew it.
 
2014-05-08 07:51:14 PM  
 
2014-05-08 08:22:03 PM  
high frequency trading means you cannot win.
 
2014-05-08 08:27:42 PM  
I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.
 
2014-05-08 08:30:04 PM  

Danger Avoid Death: Wait. The answer is Beanie Babies, right? I just knew it.


I have a Theater Edition Jedi Luke Skywalker with the wrong date printed on it, mint, still in package.

I'm gonna put BOTH my kids through college with it, I know it!
 
2014-05-08 08:34:39 PM  

Marcus Aurelius: Here is how you make money in the stock market.

Method A:

1. Find a large corporation that leads it's industry (i.e. Amazon, GE, Proctor and Gamble).
2. Buy as many shares as you feel comfortable owning
3. Put it away for at least 5 years and don't even think about it.

Method B: If you can wait to invest, wait until the market crashes.  You could have had Bank of America for less than $3 a share a few years back, if you were smart.  In which case you do the following:

1. Find a large corporation that leads it's industry whose stock has crashed
2. Buy as many shares as you feel comfortable owning
3. Put it away for at least 5 years and don't even think about it.

/you can thank me later


You kinda need to wait ~10-12 years to realise good gains, or so I'm told.

/also, it's fun to watch your stocks go up and down, just never trade 'em
 
2014-05-08 08:38:59 PM  
When will I stop falling for click-bait headlines that lead to monetized blogs that contain fark-all for information?
 
2014-05-08 08:39:24 PM  
As someone with a "moderate risk" diversified investment portfolio as my retirement plan, I'm getting a kick out of people thinking they can "get rich".  By far the most likely way you will get rich is by being born very well-off or rich.  The second most likely way is by doing something somewhat to totally unethical, and doing it well*.  The number of people who manage to get rich through hard work or profiting off of their own good ideas is very, very small.

* such as selling bogus "get rich quick" schemes
 
2014-05-08 08:44:01 PM  

Plant Rights Activist: high frequency trading means you cannot win.


oh, you can win

You'll just never win as much as they do.

And without helping them win more.
 
2014-05-08 08:44:26 PM  

Marcus Aurelius: Method B: If you can wait to invest, wait until the market crashes. You could have had Bank of America for less than $3 a share a few years back, if you were smart. In which case you do the following:

1. Find a large corporation that leads it's industry whose stock has crashed
2. Buy as many shares as you feel comfortable owning
3. Put it away for at least 5 years and don't even think about it.

/you can thank me later


You also could have had IndyMac for less than $3 in June of 2008.  I hope you chose wisely.
 
2014-05-08 08:44:32 PM  
Guys, I will be leaving my Credit card info for anyone to use to make me money.

So my number is:

XXXX-XXXX-XXXX-XXXX exp XX-XX
 
2014-05-08 08:45:10 PM  
Ohh there is a filter on credit card numbers now?
 
2014-05-08 08:49:16 PM  
The secret is Buy Low, Sell High.

Unfortunately, I have known an embarrassing number of otherwise intelligent people who think the way to invest is to buy in hard and heavy to the latest "hot" stock.  They don't understand - and some of them even insulted me when I explained it - that when a stock is "hot", it has already made all or most of it's gains and it is too late to invest in it.  At that point, the market is only looking for suckers like them to buy in and allow the early investors to cash out their gains.
 
2014-05-08 08:49:39 PM  
Everybody knows the way to get rich quick is first to ensure everyone else is following the rules, then cheat like hell.
 
2014-05-08 08:54:48 PM  

Lonestar: Ohh there is a filter on credit card numbers now?


You forgot the security code.
 
2014-05-08 09:09:21 PM  
Another option: Buy a bunch of stocks in technology that you suspect might get big in 5-10 years. For example, in my portfolio I've got Tesla (which tanked today; doh!) a bunch of solar and wind companies, 3D Printer companies, and a few other things that have a reasonable shot at being the next big thing. They won't all hit the jackpot, but based on what I know about society and technology, it seems reasonable that at least one of them will.
 
2014-05-08 09:09:37 PM  

Lonestar: Ohh there is a filter on credit card numbers now?


Worried about your credit score? Fark will X-out your credit card number and perform a free credit check will all three major credit reporting agencies, try it now!
 
2014-05-08 09:10:51 PM  

CokeBear: Another option: Buy a bunch of stocks in technology that you suspect might get big in 5-10 years. For example, in my portfolio I've got Tesla (which tanked today; doh!) a bunch of solar and wind companies, 3D Printer companies, and a few other things that have a reasonable shot at being the next big thing. They won't all hit the jackpot, but based on what I know about society and technology, it seems reasonable that at least one of them will.


Short Tesla stock and start stealing trade secrets.
 
2014-05-08 09:13:44 PM  
Auto-invest at regular intervals (dollar-cost averaging) into a tax-advantaged account; live your life instead of watching ticker symbols and red & green numbers.
 
2014-05-08 09:15:47 PM  

Lonestar: Ohh there is a filter on credit card numbers now?


Yeah, it works on your fark password too.

************

See!
 
2014-05-08 09:33:13 PM  
I'm about to finish my "Ph.D." from Bob Jones "University." Soon I'll have more money than God! BWAHAHAHAHA!
 
2014-05-08 09:38:14 PM  

Neondistraction: Lonestar: Ohh there is a filter on credit card numbers now?

Yeah, it works on your fark password too.

************

See!


Not to mention the penis detection image blocker.
 
2014-05-08 09:39:43 PM  
So... Buy stable, boring stocks with a future and sell call options on them, essentially renting them out. Someone exercises the option, you made a profit. Re-evaluate if you want to continue owning that stock and rebuy. It was explained to me in thirty seconds by a guy wanting a DSL line in his penthouse in the late 90s.

3% per month, or so. After you collect for a while it compounds quarterly, plus the increased value of stocks that didn't shift enough to see the options exercised.

It's what they do for annuities and whole life insurance, except they're also going to buy put options to limit losses.

/I would have been fired for warning the DSL service was prone to failure
//had I been caught
 
2014-05-08 09:43:08 PM  
Stop being so goddamned greedy?
 
2014-05-08 10:02:54 PM  
Won the lotto a few years back; thought I had it made... bought Facebook on opening day with half of it... then, put the rest in secure investments with my newest best friend Bernie Madoff... well, had to sell quick when Facebook tanked, so put the remainder in real estate in Henderson, NV... well, this hot Romanian Blonde Cocktail Waitress/ Stripper Artiste from Vegas sucked the rest of my bank accounts dry... so Now I can't even afford to pay for Total Fark. Next time I have money, I am so buying Bit Coin!
 
2014-05-08 10:05:33 PM  
look, erotica 1's bonus room is toes legit

1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2014-05-08 10:12:30 PM  
Joke's on you, financial "experts" and your "dollars". I invested all my money in precious metals someone I've never met is keeping safe for me, and seeds for my apocalypse garden.
 
2014-05-08 10:17:18 PM  
I spend all my money on BEER AND WHORES.

It's a growth market.
 
2014-05-08 10:19:02 PM  
I respond to every Nigerian Prince email.  It only needs to work once...
 
2014-05-08 10:26:41 PM  

Marcus Aurelius: Here is how you make money in the stock market.

Method A:

1. Find a large corporation that leads it's industry (i.e. Amazon, GE, Proctor and Gamble).
2. Buy as many shares as you feel comfortable owning
3. Put it away for at least 5 years and don't even think about it.

Method B: If you can wait to invest, wait until the market crashes.  You could have had Bank of America for less than $3 a share a few years back, if you were smart.  In which case you do the following:

1. Find a large corporation that leads it's industry whose stock has crashed
2. Buy as many shares as you feel comfortable owning
3. Put it away for at least 5 years and don't even think about it.

/you can thank me later


Get elected to Congress. Find out insider information. Profit.

/Senators and Representatives get to trade on information that if an ordinary person were to trade on, they'd go to prison
 
2014-05-08 10:58:32 PM  
Man, I just absolutely hate the phrase "life hack".
It's a farking idea, ok.
It's called an idea.
 
2014-05-08 10:59:58 PM  

iroll: When will I stop falling for click-bait headlines that lead to monetized blogs that contain fark-all for information?


this.

just don't be stupid. duh, thanks
 
2014-05-08 11:38:15 PM  
Guys, I do this for a living, ok?  If you want to make a lot of money quick, well, win the lottery or something.  If you want to make decent money over a long time, let's talk.  If you're not going to listen to the people telling you to buy and hold, at least get someone like me who will insulate you from yourself and keep you from investing your kids' college fund in Facebook stock, like my friend did.
 
2014-05-09 01:14:54 AM  
Are fark headlines really resorting to click bait tactics? Click here to find out.
 
2014-05-09 01:20:38 AM  
I rwas that the real, working trick to beat the market is to become a US senator.
 
2014-05-09 01:21:26 AM  
Damn. Should read "I read somewhere".
 
2014-05-09 01:35:36 AM  
I know I usually get my investment advice from people I don't know on websites like Fark.

CokeBear: Another option: Buy a bunch of stocks in technology that you suspect might get big in 5-10 years. For example, in my portfolio I've got Tesla (which tanked today; doh!)


If you're planning on holding something 5-10 years, why do you care if it's down today?
 
2014-05-09 01:58:50 AM  

Neondistraction: Lonestar: Ohh there is a filter on credit card numbers now?

Yeah, it works on your fark password too.

************

See!


hunter2

WAIT A MINUTE!
 
2014-05-09 02:38:38 AM  

Marcus Aurelius: Here is how you make money in the stock market.

Method A:

1. Find a large corporation that leads it's industry (i.e. Amazon, GE, Proctor and Gamble).
2. Buy as many shares as you feel comfortable owning
3. Put it away for at least 5 years and don't even think about it.

Method B: If you can wait to invest, wait until the market crashes.  You could have had Bank of America for less than $3 a share a few years back, if you were smart.  In which case you do the following:

1. Find a large corporation that leads it's industry whose stock has crashed
2. Buy as many shares as you feel comfortable owning
3. Put it away for at least 5 years and don't even think about it.

/you can thank me later


Buying when an industry crashes has always been a pretty good bet.
Airlines after 9/11, banks after 2007/2009 ish
 
2014-05-09 02:57:32 AM  

RangerTaylor: Guys, I do this for a living, ok?  If you want to make a lot of money quick, well, win the lottery or something.  If you want to make decent money over a long time, let's talk.  If you're not going to listen to the people telling you to buy and hold, at least get someone like me who will insulate you from yourself and keep you from investing your kids' college fund in Facebook stock, like my friend did.


I agree with your point, but a guy who has doubled his money this year by being stupid may not be the most persuasive example to use.


Marcus Aurelius: Here is how you make money in the stock market.

Method A:

1. Find a large corporation that leads it's industry (i.e. Amazon, GE, Proctor and Gamble).
2. Buy as many shares as you feel comfortable owning
3. Put it away for at least 5 years and don't even think about it.

Method B: If you can wait to invest, wait until the market crashes.  You could have had Bank of America for less than $3 a share a few years back, if you were smart.  In which case you do the following:

1. Find a large corporation that leads it's industry whose stock has crashed
2. Buy as many shares as you feel comfortable owning
3. Put it away for at least 5 years and don't even think about it.

/you can thank me later


Buy and hold seems good. Buy and forget not so good. If it turns out you're invested in Enron or Bear Stearns or Sears or Eastman Kodak or RIMM or whatever, you'll want a sub-5-year reaction time.


CokeBear: Another option: Buy a bunch of stocks in technology that you suspect might get big in 5-10 years. For example, in my portfolio I've got Tesla (which tanked today; doh!) a bunch of solar and wind companies, 3D Printer companies, and a few other things that have a reasonable shot at being the next big thing. They won't all hit the jackpot, but based on what I know about society and technology, it seems reasonable that at least one of them will.


IMO there's not really much point in buying individual stocks unless you're looking to place some bets on your vision of the future (of a society/industry/whatever). If you're ONLY socking away blue chips like Marcus up there, then why not just buy an index/etf in the first place?

/what Tesla would have to do in the future to justify the price it has today is just mind-boggling
 
2014-05-09 07:25:29 AM  
Sure fire way to have a million bucks in the stock market:
Start with two million.
 
2014-05-09 07:36:47 AM  
What do we think of making unboxing porn? Will that make me rich?
 
2014-05-09 08:28:19 AM  
I was going to invest $5k in apple and $5k in google, august 2005

Portfolio manager said it wasn't a good fit for the rest of my portfolio.

I weep. And if I could change one thing, in my entire life, it'd be that
 
2014-05-09 09:16:07 AM  

pivazena: I was going to invest $5k in apple and $5k in google, august 2005

Portfolio manager said it wasn't a good fit for the rest of my portfolio.

I weep. And if I could change one thing, in my entire life, it'd be that


Where did you bury his body?
 
2014-05-09 10:40:20 AM  
My advice: don't be a gullible moron.

That will be $5.
 
2014-05-09 01:02:40 PM  

HotIgneous Intruder: I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.


I can't figure it all out tonight, sir, so I'm just gonna hang with your daughter.
 
2014-05-09 01:36:06 PM  

rugman11: ou also could have had IndyMac for less than $3 in June of 2008. I hope you chose wisely.


Forget IndyMac. I can still get Chili Mac for less than $3.

www.bigoven.com
 
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