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(Smithsonian Magazine)   "Farting represents not just a foul scent, but an impinging of one human upon another, an invasion of the senses and a breach of personal space"   (smithsonianmag.com) divider line 43
    More: Asinine, personal distance  
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2072 clicks; posted to Geek » on 06 May 2014 at 11:42 AM (11 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2014-05-06 01:22:58 PM
4 votes:
they note that in Morocco, "it is traditionally held that breaking wind inside a mosque will blind, or even kill, the angels therein."

"Blinding the angels" is now my favorite euphemism for farting.

They go onto observe that farting is so closely associated with harmful spirits that a spot where one occurred may be marked by a small pile of stones, as if to trap the evil spirit inside.

Well, you're welcome to try that, but even if your stones are some kind of multi-ton chunks of activated carbon, they're not going to save you from the fruits of my mighty fartulence. Earlier today I dropped an asparagus-garlic powered fart in the elevator right before I got off that was so bad, I think I heard screams of terror from the floor below when the elevator made its next stop down there and released my demon spawn.
2014-05-06 01:13:25 PM
4 votes:
I wonder what kind of crop-dusting the mail-room staff must endure in those old office buildings with pneumatic tubes.
Imagine having your fart sucked down twenty floors with mechanical assistance? Heaven, man!
2014-05-06 01:50:29 PM
3 votes:
Thanks, Fartbama.
2014-05-06 12:31:14 PM
3 votes:

HawgWild: Everyone loves their own brand ...


I had one last week after eating a bowl of spicy Mongolian noodles that came from me, but wasn't my usual flavor.

Rather, it would seem that a demon had crawled inside my colon and died, and the aroma of a decomposing denizen of Hell was eminating from me.

To make matters worse, I was at my desk at the time, people around me were trying to eat, and earlier in the day, I had passed a non-odiferous flatus, so I felt there was no danger. Although silent, it managed to burn, and I knew I had made a grevious miscalculation.
2014-05-06 05:14:25 PM
2 votes:
I took a friend out to play minigolf... Big, plump cherubic happy girl. We got to the end of the course, and she mentioned "Ok, I really need to find a bathroom soon." Just as she said that, I knocked my ball so that it got stuck in the grin of the big plywood cutout clown that guarded the final hole.

I turned to her and said "You think you have problems? Now I'm gonna need Clown Floss!"

She started laughing so hard that there ensued a 30-second, three octave trombone solo, which made *ME* laugh so hard I literally fell down.

Poor girl was mortified, but she got over it. To this day we can reduce each other to giggle fits just by saying "clown floss."
2014-05-06 04:40:50 PM
2 votes:
/csb/

I was doing yard work the day after a night out drinking nothing but Guiness.  I went into my shed to get my mower ready, and I was wearing headphones.  I felt the rumble, and allowed a tremendous Guiness-inspired flatus to power itself out.  This one was thunder and lightning . . . loud and horrendous.  Again, I felt the urge and released a 2nd and 3rd.  I then turned to face the door of my shed, and there stood a stranger.  A woman, perhaps 65 years of age . . . holding a handful of political flyers looking for support for her favorite candidate.  She had apparently attempted communication, but my headphones had drowned her out.  I have never seen such a mixed look of horror and pity.

/csb/
2014-05-06 02:11:09 PM
2 votes:

kungfu jesus with a side of lime: i seriously wonder about farts and genetic predispositions. My father, brother and I fart epically throughout the day and generally have 2-3 poops a day. I feel like i am literally filled with more poop then other humans? why do I have stinky farts all the time and why do I poop more then mere mortals?


If your gut flora are producing large quantities of methane, then they can 'aerate' your poop and give them more volume.  If you shiat like you're a human can of Easy Cheese, then this is likely the case.
 

oldfarthenry: I wonder what kind of crop-dusting the mail-room staff must endure in those old office buildings with pneumatic tubes.
Imagine having your fart sucked down twenty floors with mechanical assistance? Heaven, man!


Sending a bomb to them 'air mail'?  That had to be priceless.  That said, i'm a CPAP user.  only once- ONCE - did I make the mistake of having the air intake part of the unit near my ass while I slept.  I delivered a turbocharged foul beer fart in my sleep directly from the depths of my ass to my brain.  It woke me up in terror.
2014-05-06 01:48:21 PM
2 votes:
you know why farts stink?

so deaf people can appreciate them too.
2014-05-06 01:45:52 PM
2 votes:

Odd Bird: CSB
(yeah, we all have one)


Yeah, we all have one. Unfortunately for me, I wasn't the perpetrator in mine.
One of my co-workers wives had gotten on some weird health kick about garlic so they were putting roasted elephant garlic on pretty much everything they were eating. We're talking entire cloves of the stuff. For some reason this seemed to have adversely affected my co-worker's guts as we could regularly hear his guts churning. One day we're out doing a radio install in an ambulance at a customer location and I'm in the front doing my thing and he's in the back doing his. Suddenly he sticks his ass in the little walkway between the front of the vehicle and the back and releases this horrendous sounding fart. I mean this thing sounded like he'd stuck an air hose in a vat of babyfood for a full 15 seconds. Almost immediately after the smell hit. It was as if he'd rammed a stick of garlic summer sausage up his ass to rot. You could smell the garlic in his goddamn gas! It the first time I've ever smelled a fart that was almost appetizing.
2014-05-06 01:37:22 PM
2 votes:
img.fark.net
"Behold the gaseous stench of Skeletor's breakfast burrito!"
2014-05-06 12:42:42 PM
2 votes:
I remember when I was a lowly intern, I was sitting at some lady's desk working because she was off that day. I didn't have an assigned desk, you see.

Anywho, I had a killer hangover and just wasn't feeling well. Suddenly, I started to feel the pangs of a tooter. I was the only one in the room, so I let fly. And, man, it was good.

Just then, the lady whose desk I was working at WALKED IN THE DOOR. She told me she FORGOT HER WORKOUT SNEAKERS and they were UNDER HER DESK. I tried to get them for her like a gentleman, but she just dove right under there.

Wasn't the only time she smelled my butt ...

/CSB
2014-05-06 11:50:16 AM
2 votes:
www.handmadescotcheggs.co.uk
2014-05-07 12:51:59 AM
1 votes:
No real stinker tales to add here, just a poorly timed cough fart. I was at a local store, in an area where I thought I was alone. No carpet, no drapes, nothing to absorb sound. Oh, and a high ceiling. It was like a concert hall for my sonic boom. The entire time I was browsing around, the rumbles were in the works. Long story short, my cough was plenty loud but the duration wasn't even close. The reverb effect was awesome. I turned around to ditch the potential cloud and noticed an older couple just ten feet away from me. To make things worse, I got the giggles when I saw the shocked looks on their faces. I felt my face getting warm as I quickly shuffled to the door. Here it is, over a year later, and I still chuckle at that one!

/I love this thread
2014-05-07 12:39:21 AM
1 votes:
Then there's toot poetry, lawd, I haven't though of this stuff for years....

Years ago I had a very creative co-worker, and whenever we were bored we'd email each other silly things, usually lists of the things her cat didn't do that day. One day her (somewhat dotty) mom came to visit her at work so they could go to lunch. Said friend was introducing mom to her boss when mom let it rip both audibly and olfactory and just kept talking as if nothing had happened.

Later that day I got a hilarious epic poem of at least two pages and I REALLY wish I could find a copy... All about Michelle's Mom's Toots.

The one line I remember is "she float dem biscuits while they're hot..."

Then there's "The Mug, Sundered." That one was never written down, but a G/F (the one with the CRIMINAL son) and I were up late, already exhausted but unable to sleep, so we started making up an epic poem about some guy who dated a rich girl and was invited to meet the family at their palatial mansion at a fancy dinner. Unfortunately the guy had had Taco Bell for lunch.

Eventually he had to excuse himself to find the bathroom... Wandering the halls he can't find the bathroom, but he does find an antique china chamberpot in one room...

Unfortunately said chamberpot is not up to the ensuing blast. I only remember two stanzas:

"As I sat down, rather urgent,
my bean burrito came emergent
with sturm und drang to make a Wagner proud!

It was loud,
It made a cloud!

...

Oh, now there's a blunder!
I have burst the mug asunder!
And it was my nether thunder what done it...
Holy... Cow...
I mean, like OW!"


Why yes, we were cackling like 12-year olds while creating that...
2014-05-06 05:58:50 PM
1 votes:

905: "Has there ever been a human culture that, rather than holding their noses and wheezing, loved, appreciated and worshiped the fart?"

I'd say my four teen-aged nephews would fit that bill.


Not just humans   http://www.bitsofbooks.com/run/farting.html  (too big for Fark)
2014-05-06 05:28:57 PM
1 votes:
I should also mention re: my last comment, the girl in question was brought up to believe that girls never fart (at least in front of anyone) which might explain how she stored up so much that once she started laughing she COULD *fprrrt!* NOT *BBBBBRRT!* STOP *PAROO!* TOOTING!
2014-05-06 04:15:25 PM
1 votes:

radiovox: I read the article in David Attenborough's voice


When he farts, ravens land on his shoulders.
2014-05-06 04:13:21 PM
1 votes:
As I have gotten older they have gotten nastier. I wish I had farts this rancid when I was younger. I promised the guys I work with no brocolli and cheese on work nights anymore. I alsotried to be polite by going to the supply room and letting them off in there, that was funny when one of the guys came back from there and looked at me and said "You sick motherfarker"
2014-05-06 03:41:09 PM
1 votes:

rickythepenguin: HawgWild: t then, the lady whose desk I was working at WALKED IN THE DOOR. She told me she FORGOT HER WORKOUT SNEAKERS and they were UNDER HER DESK. I tried to get them for her like a gentleman, but she just dove right under there.

my "that" story is from my navy days....we had a little tiny guard shack and i was on watch with this hottish gal who was married, but flirted all the time.  anyways, whatever i'd eaten, it was just terrible, just dreadful on the back end.  so i'd excuse myself on rover patrol, "i'm gonna go check the perimeter", and so on, and expel.  didn't want to offend her.

so at one point, she's like, "i'm gonna go to main building, be bback in 20."  she leaves, i start laying waste, just destroying the guard shack.

she bounds back in minute or so later and as i see her through the glass, i'm waving her off, "no!  no!  stay away!" and she looks at me like, "wtf?"  she walks in.  no words were exchanged.  just a look of shame on my face and "what is wrong with you?"  on hers.



did u f*ck her?
2014-05-06 03:38:30 PM
1 votes:

joeshill: "Farting represents not just a foul scent, but an impinging of one human upon another, an invasion of the senses and a breach of personal space."

So does smoking.

Yet one is considered socially acceptable in public spaces, and the other is not.



Steve Martin in airline seat.(when u used to be able to smoke in the plane)

guy sitting next to him: hey, ya' mind if i smoke?

Steve: why no, do ya' mind if i fart?
2014-05-06 03:32:10 PM
1 votes:

scottydoesntknow: mcmnky: scottydoesntknow: I have a confession. I don't know what happened, but about 5 years ago I lost the ability to produce smelly farts. It just went away. Whether they're wall-shaking or completely silent, there is no odor. As a guy, it's kind of emasculating.

Um...you just lost your sense of smell.

My fiance can't smell it. Neither can any of my friends.



Vegetarian farts don't smell as bad because there is no meat in the gut to putrify.  i noticed the more meat i eat, the more stink i get.

and beans only make me fart bad initially.  after awhile,if i eat beans on a regular bases i guess the fiber cleans the meat out of me and the bad smelling farts stop.  kewl.

ok, no gay jokes now.  thank you.
2014-05-06 03:18:50 PM
1 votes:
I'd rather burp and taste it,
than fart and waste it.
2014-05-06 02:55:37 PM
1 votes:
This thread is a veritable cornucopia of possible band names.
2014-05-06 02:45:33 PM
1 votes:
I'm farting now.

And now.
2014-05-06 02:07:51 PM
1 votes:

rickythepenguin: my "that" story is from my navy days....we had a little tiny guard shack and i was on watch with this hottish gal who was married, but flirted all the time.  anyways, whatever i'd eaten, it was just terrible, just dreadful on the back end.  so i'd excuse myself on rover patrol, "i'm gonna go check the perimeter", and so on, and expel.  didn't want to offend her.


CSB:

In Ye Olde Dayes at MCAS Cherry Point there was a "wheel shack" at the end of the runway left over from WWII. Two people were posted there during operations and if someone tried to land without their landing gear down during radio silence, you fired a flare. Needless to say, this was obsolete, but still in use as a "punishment tour" for guys who messed up in one way or another when I was there in the late 60s and early 70s.

It was a wooden shack slightly larger than a phone booth and it was roasting hot in the summer, but made up for it by being freezing cold in the winter.  It wasn't too bad if you drew a tour with someone you knew, at least you could chat and biatch together.

One morning I was assigned with my pal Robbie for something we had done. We hit the mess hall first for breakfast - he had SOS (creamed chipped beef on toast) and I had a Bean Bowl. You made those by frying a piece of bologna until it curled up to make a bowl, which you filled with baked beans. Needless to say, both produced farts that were specifically mentioned in the Geneva Conventions as inhumane weapons of war.

An hour or so later I let slip an SBD. Robbie sniffed and said "Da fuq is wrong with you?" He responded by lifting a leg and producing a thunderous blast that could be heard all the way downriver at Newport. Unfortunately, while mine lacked sound, his lacked smell. So every few minutes he'd have to step outside the shack while the air cleared.

Of course, this caught the attention of the OoD in the tower, who was watching this take place through his binoculars. So we get a call on the radio asking what the problem is. Thinking fast, we said Robbie had a cramp in his leg and was trying to walk it off.

To this day, if one of us farts, we say "cramp in the leg."

/end CSB
2014-05-06 02:05:15 PM
1 votes:

Gergesa: You know, I forget who it was, but some farker who was in korea said that korean farts are the worst because of kimchi.


Kimchi's bad. So is unpasteurized sauerkraut.

When the wife picks either of those up at Whole Foods, I know I will eat my share, because I love me some fermented cabbage. I also know that I will be spending a lot of time on the server floor the next day at work, because if I'm not in a room full of fans blowing in multiple directions, I will attract buzzards to the area.

The most satisfying crop-dusting of my life was post-kraut at the grocery store. I'd let one go in middle of the canned goods aisle, and stopped near the endcap. This pleasant-looking middle-aged woman was walking, when it hit her. She came to a complete stop, her eyes kind of bugged out, and she smacked her lips a couple of times, as though she was tasting something unpleasant. After standing there frozen for a good five seconds, she suddenly made a quick about-face and almost ran from the aisle.

I managed not to laugh out loud, but there were tears in my eyes.
2014-05-06 01:31:14 PM
1 votes:
Not too long ago one of my Guatemalan co-workers shared a huge, home cooked meal with me. It hit me when I got on the train to go home, and there was no way to hold back. It was one of the most disgusting things I've ever smelled. You could practically see it moving by the looks on people's faces as it filled the train car. At about the 90 second mark I heard "one of y'all motherfarkers is NASTY!" from the back of the car. It took everything I had to not burst out laughing. It was truly one of the greatest achievements of my life, a moment of pure pride and joy.
2014-05-06 01:30:16 PM
1 votes:
AbiNormal

How else would guys bond?

You pretty much got it right on there. Just hang around with a bunch of guys anywhere from 15 to 25 years old and you'll think that there is a 'Culture Of Farts' that seems to be considered a rite of manhood.

They think it's hilarious!!

From SBD in a crowd, to walk-by to letting one rip while standing around. Then, the time honored favorite of catching someone sitting down, sneaking up behind them and letting one loose hard enough to blow the hair around on the back of his head.

Don't forget the hysterical practice of farting in the girl friends face or pull the old 'Dutch oven' on her. (Which make me wonder why the girls stay after that.)

Doing it in a crowded auditorium in school and blaming it on someone else was always a favorite.

Don't forget the insanity of lighting them on fire.

I figure the reason farts are considered more obnoxious than sneezing, coughing or spitting is because the majority of them can flat peel the paint off walls; they reek, stink and makes those nearby wonder what crawled up that guys guts and died.

Plus, you can't easily escape it.

As a private medical aid, I once took care of a young man in his 20s and he farted a lot! He thought it was funny but entering his family home revealed that the place had a distinctive, background aroma of stale farts which I found unpleasant.

Plus, I dislike going down a grocery aisle, buying food, to discover that some bugger let one rip moments before I got there and it hangs around like a pall.

There are two main types of farts: those you struggle to control, maybe letting a little bit out at a time, and those you seem to save up and blast so they sound like an air horn and create maximum annoyance.

Since men do the majority of this -- girlfriends doing their laundry need bleach for the resulting skid-marks.
2014-05-06 01:24:53 PM
1 votes:
Farting represents not just a foul scent, but an impinging of one human upon another, an invasion of the senses and a breach of personal space.


Just a few minutes ago it was in my ass, now it's inside your head. It's like aerosolized ass pennies.
2014-05-06 01:04:01 PM
1 votes:

joeshill: "Farting represents not just a foul scent, but an impinging of one human upon another, an invasion of the senses and a breach of personal space."

So does smoking.

Yet one is considered socially acceptable in public spaces, and the other is not.


I would rather have someone simultaneously fart and blow cigarette smoke in my face than have to listen to another whiny biatch complaining about smokers.
2014-05-06 01:00:12 PM
1 votes:
905:

"Has there ever been a human culture that, rather than holding their noses and wheezing, loved, appreciated and worshiped the fart?"

I'd say my four teen-aged nephews would fit that bill.


Long car trip in winter with my quondam G/F, her 9 Y/O son and 12 Y/O daughter are sitting in the back seat.

The son pipes up "I have CRIMINAL GAS!"

"Oh? How is that, D?"

"Because it's really, really BAD!"

And then it hits. The adults start winding down the windows while the daughter is screaming BLAUGHHH!!!!!! and the son is just as happy as a boy can be.


Same kid, his mom once described how he could belch, fart and sneeze at the same time to a group of 40+ year old software engineers, and they all were astonished... "We're not worthy!"
2014-05-06 12:52:57 PM
1 votes:
CSB
(yeah, we all have one)

Stepped into a coworkers cube, dropped a bomb, walked back.  He bolted up a few seconds later disgusted, impressed and suggested I get the guys working the phones (call center dispatchers).

They were in a closed off corner of the room.  I went over, did my deed and got all the way back to my desk.  Five seconds later the clean-freak of the trio shot up crying and demanded to know which one of his teammates and fouled the air.  They were ready to hang the junior member of the group until they heard me and my initial victim busting our sides 30 feet away.
2014-05-06 12:50:22 PM
1 votes:

HawgWild: t then, the lady whose desk I was working at WALKED IN THE DOOR. She told me she FORGOT HER WORKOUT SNEAKERS and they were UNDER HER DESK. I tried to get them for her like a gentleman, but she just dove right under there.


my "that" story is from my navy days....we had a little tiny guard shack and i was on watch with this hottish gal who was married, but flirted all the time.  anyways, whatever i'd eaten, it was just terrible, just dreadful on the back end.  so i'd excuse myself on rover patrol, "i'm gonna go check the perimeter", and so on, and expel.  didn't want to offend her.

so at one point, she's like, "i'm gonna go to main building, be bback in 20."  she leaves, i start laying waste, just destroying the guard shack.

she bounds back in minute or so later and as i see her through the glass, i'm waving her off, "no!  no!  stay away!" and she looks at me like, "wtf?"  she walks in.  no words were exchanged.  just a look of shame on my face and "what is wrong with you?"  on hers.
2014-05-06 12:42:00 PM
1 votes:
www.ghostwriteyourbook.com

Step right in, Farkers.
2014-05-06 12:15:26 PM
1 votes:
Everyone loves their own brand ...
2014-05-06 12:13:26 PM
1 votes:
unclestinky.files.wordpress.com
2014-05-06 12:05:58 PM
1 votes:
How else would guys bond?
2014-05-06 12:03:47 PM
1 votes:
even when you can't smell one, you're still breathing shiat.
2014-05-06 11:59:38 AM
1 votes:
Even if it's just in your general direction?
2014-05-06 11:39:28 AM
1 votes:
Why fart and waste it when you can belch and taste it?
2014-05-06 11:34:17 AM
1 votes:
Lord knows I'm more invasive than the NSA & pro-Russian "protesters" combined!
2014-05-06 10:55:26 AM
1 votes:
*toot*
2014-05-06 10:48:18 AM
1 votes:
Baloney! Sometimes, it is just a fart.
OOhhh, garlic baloney,,,

My own stools, Sir, are gigantic and have no more odor than a hot biscuit.
 
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