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(Smithsonian Magazine)   "Farting represents not just a foul scent, but an impinging of one human upon another, an invasion of the senses and a breach of personal space"   (smithsonianmag.com) divider line 120
    More: Asinine, personal distance  
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2078 clicks; posted to Geek » on 06 May 2014 at 11:42 AM (16 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



120 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2014-05-06 10:48:18 AM
Baloney! Sometimes, it is just a fart.
OOhhh, garlic baloney,,,

My own stools, Sir, are gigantic and have no more odor than a hot biscuit.
 
2014-05-06 10:55:26 AM
*toot*
 
2014-05-06 11:06:04 AM
I have a confession. I don't know what happened, but about 5 years ago I lost the ability to produce smelly farts. It just went away. Whether they're wall-shaking or completely silent, there is no odor. As a guy, it's kind of emasculating.
 
2014-05-06 11:20:18 AM

scottydoesntknow: I have a confession. I don't know what happened, but about 5 years ago I lost the ability to produce smelly farts. It just went away. Whether they're wall-shaking or completely silent, there is no odor. As a guy, it's kind of emasculating.


Yeah, that's what my grandfather and father thought, too. You're just losing your sense of smell after years of your own B.O. and living like a bachelor.
 
2014-05-06 11:34:17 AM
Lord knows I'm more invasive than the NSA & pro-Russian "protesters" combined!
 
2014-05-06 11:39:28 AM
Why fart and waste it when you can belch and taste it?
 
2014-05-06 11:50:16 AM
www.handmadescotcheggs.co.uk
 
2014-05-06 11:51:17 AM

scottydoesntknow: I have a confession. I don't know what happened, but about 5 years ago I lost the ability to produce smelly farts. It just went away. Whether they're wall-shaking or completely silent, there is no odor. As a guy, it's kind of emasculating.


So you have a fart gland like Stimpy's hairball gland?
 
2014-05-06 11:59:38 AM
Even if it's just in your general direction?
 
905
2014-05-06 12:00:52 PM
"Has there ever been a human culture that, rather than holding their noses and wheezing, loved, appreciated and worshiped the fart?"

I'd say my four teen-aged nephews would fit that bill.
 
2014-05-06 12:01:07 PM
Why are farts so funny?
 
2014-05-06 12:02:00 PM
i seriously wonder about farts and genetic predispositions. My father, brother and I fart epically throughout the day and generally have 2-3 poops a day. I feel like i am literally filled with more poop then other humans? why do I have stinky farts all the time and why do I poop more then mere mortals?
 
2014-05-06 12:03:23 PM

kungfu jesus with a side of lime: I feel like i am literally filled with more poop then other humans? why do I have stinky farts all the time and why do I poop more then mere mortals?


Gut flora and diet.
 
2014-05-06 12:03:47 PM
even when you can't smell one, you're still breathing shiat.
 
2014-05-06 12:04:41 PM

djkutch: Why are farts so funny?


It must be genetic. When my oldest was about 4 months old he cut a good one and cackled at it for 2 solid minutes.
 
2014-05-06 12:05:58 PM
How else would guys bond?
 
2014-05-06 12:10:32 PM
"Farting represents not just a foul scent, but an impinging of one human upon another, an invasion of the senses and a breach of personal space."

So does smoking.

Yet one is considered socially acceptable in public spaces, and the other is not.
 
2014-05-06 12:12:46 PM

djkutch: Why are farts so funny?


Because they usually arrive without warning. They're like the Spanish Inquisition of bodily functions.
 
2014-05-06 12:13:26 PM
unclestinky.files.wordpress.com
 
2014-05-06 12:15:26 PM
Everyone loves their own brand ...
 
2014-05-06 12:15:36 PM
 
2014-05-06 12:15:40 PM

djkutch: Why are farts so funny?


because it makes basically the same sound as a balloon losing air, therefore we all have balloons in our asses.

/true fact
 
2014-05-06 12:17:59 PM
I've always wondered how office etiquette would be different if toots were visible... like green clouds or cartoon "stink lines."

I bet you'd see a lot of impromptu dancing by people trying to avoid them.
 
2014-05-06 12:18:44 PM
Anthropologist Kirsten Bell should learn what penultimate means before misusing it in her academic papers.

/Not usually so pedantic, but it's one of the best words in the language and its being destroyed by idiots.
 
2014-05-06 12:19:03 PM
I fart in the general direction of the article.
 
2014-05-06 12:21:57 PM
Crop dusting the WalMart aisles is meant as an impingement of others.......
 
2014-05-06 12:21:57 PM
FTFA: Farts may very well be the penultimate bodily emission.

Attention article "writer:" Words mean things.
 
2014-05-06 12:22:28 PM
Craig Ferguson:  Farts are classical.
 
2014-05-06 12:26:31 PM

Barricaded Gunman: FTFA: Farts may very well be the penultimate bodily emission.

Attention article "writer:" Words mean things.


Well, it'd work better as "the penultimate *stinky* bodily emission."
 
2014-05-06 12:28:44 PM
I just crop-dusted a whole cube farm, so I'm getting a kick...
 
2014-05-06 12:29:11 PM
"Farting represents not just a foul scent, but a deliberate impinging of one human upon another, an invasion of the senses and a breach of personal space"

That's the point, subby, that's the point (so i fix it for you, m-kay?)

snocone: My own stools, Sir, are gigantic and have no more odor than a hot biscuit.


Dr. Kellogg I presume?
 
2014-05-06 12:31:14 PM

HawgWild: Everyone loves their own brand ...


I had one last week after eating a bowl of spicy Mongolian noodles that came from me, but wasn't my usual flavor.

Rather, it would seem that a demon had crawled inside my colon and died, and the aroma of a decomposing denizen of Hell was eminating from me.

To make matters worse, I was at my desk at the time, people around me were trying to eat, and earlier in the day, I had passed a non-odiferous flatus, so I felt there was no danger. Although silent, it managed to burn, and I knew I had made a grevious miscalculation.
 
2014-05-06 12:32:51 PM

Starshines: Anthropologist Kirsten Bell should learn what penultimate means before misusing it in her academic papers.



agreed.  I literally shiat a brick when i read her misuse of 'penultimate'
 
2014-05-06 12:41:09 PM
"Farting represents not just a foul scent, but a deliberate impinging of one human upon another, an invasion of the senses and a breach of personal space"


never fun but, i walked through someone's burp cloud recently.  that was way worse.  sour ass farking stomach gases and what smelled like burnt mustard.  dis mother farking gusting.
 
2014-05-06 12:42:00 PM
www.ghostwriteyourbook.com

Step right in, Farkers.
 
2014-05-06 12:42:42 PM
I remember when I was a lowly intern, I was sitting at some lady's desk working because she was off that day. I didn't have an assigned desk, you see.

Anywho, I had a killer hangover and just wasn't feeling well. Suddenly, I started to feel the pangs of a tooter. I was the only one in the room, so I let fly. And, man, it was good.

Just then, the lady whose desk I was working at WALKED IN THE DOOR. She told me she FORGOT HER WORKOUT SNEAKERS and they were UNDER HER DESK. I tried to get them for her like a gentleman, but she just dove right under there.

Wasn't the only time she smelled my butt ...

/CSB
 
2014-05-06 12:50:22 PM

HawgWild: t then, the lady whose desk I was working at WALKED IN THE DOOR. She told me she FORGOT HER WORKOUT SNEAKERS and they were UNDER HER DESK. I tried to get them for her like a gentleman, but she just dove right under there.


my "that" story is from my navy days....we had a little tiny guard shack and i was on watch with this hottish gal who was married, but flirted all the time.  anyways, whatever i'd eaten, it was just terrible, just dreadful on the back end.  so i'd excuse myself on rover patrol, "i'm gonna go check the perimeter", and so on, and expel.  didn't want to offend her.

so at one point, she's like, "i'm gonna go to main building, be bback in 20."  she leaves, i start laying waste, just destroying the guard shack.

she bounds back in minute or so later and as i see her through the glass, i'm waving her off, "no!  no!  stay away!" and she looks at me like, "wtf?"  she walks in.  no words were exchanged.  just a look of shame on my face and "what is wrong with you?"  on hers.
 
2014-05-06 12:52:57 PM
CSB
(yeah, we all have one)

Stepped into a coworkers cube, dropped a bomb, walked back.  He bolted up a few seconds later disgusted, impressed and suggested I get the guys working the phones (call center dispatchers).

They were in a closed off corner of the room.  I went over, did my deed and got all the way back to my desk.  Five seconds later the clean-freak of the trio shot up crying and demanded to know which one of his teammates and fouled the air.  They were ready to hang the junior member of the group until they heard me and my initial victim busting our sides 30 feet away.
 
2014-05-06 01:00:12 PM
905:

"Has there ever been a human culture that, rather than holding their noses and wheezing, loved, appreciated and worshiped the fart?"

I'd say my four teen-aged nephews would fit that bill.


Long car trip in winter with my quondam G/F, her 9 Y/O son and 12 Y/O daughter are sitting in the back seat.

The son pipes up "I have CRIMINAL GAS!"

"Oh? How is that, D?"

"Because it's really, really BAD!"

And then it hits. The adults start winding down the windows while the daughter is screaming BLAUGHHH!!!!!! and the son is just as happy as a boy can be.


Same kid, his mom once described how he could belch, fart and sneeze at the same time to a group of 40+ year old software engineers, and they all were astonished... "We're not worthy!"
 
2014-05-06 01:04:01 PM

joeshill: "Farting represents not just a foul scent, but an impinging of one human upon another, an invasion of the senses and a breach of personal space."

So does smoking.

Yet one is considered socially acceptable in public spaces, and the other is not.


I would rather have someone simultaneously fart and blow cigarette smoke in my face than have to listen to another whiny biatch complaining about smokers.
 
2014-05-06 01:04:55 PM
My friend and I were playing cards and my dog let out this mustard gas like fart.  Immediately on getting a slight whiff of it I said "come on, time to go outside."  My friend and I went out with the dog and the dog immediately went and took a crap.  Thankfully it was far away so we didn't smell but I could swear the dog might have taken two craps.  It was night so it was hard to see but it is possible.

Anyway, dog farts are the worst.
 
2014-05-06 01:07:01 PM
Odd Bird:

CSB
(yeah, we all have one)

Stepped into a coworkers cube, dropped a bomb, walked back. He bolted up a few seconds later disgusted, impressed and suggested I get the guys working the phones (call center dispatchers).

They were in a closed off corner of the room. I went over, did my deed and got all the way back to my desk. Five seconds later the clean-freak of the trio shot up crying and demanded to know which one of his teammates and fouled the air. They were ready to hang the junior member of the group until they heard me and my initial victim busting our sides 30 feet away.


Every office has "That Guy" who will wander into your cubicle and when you ask: "What can I do for you" just smiles slowly and leaves...

I think we've found "That Guy" in your office.
 
2014-05-06 01:09:05 PM

Gonz: HawgWild: Everyone loves their own brand ...

I had one last week after eating a bowl of spicy Mongolian noodles that came from me, but wasn't my usual flavor.

Rather, it would seem that a demon had crawled inside my colon and died, and the aroma of a decomposing denizen of Hell was eminating from me.

To make matters worse, I was at my desk at the time, people around me were trying to eat, and earlier in the day, I had passed a non-odiferous flatus, so I felt there was no danger. Although silent, it managed to burn, and I knew I had made a grevious miscalculation.


Laughter OL
 
2014-05-06 01:13:25 PM
I wonder what kind of crop-dusting the mail-room staff must endure in those old office buildings with pneumatic tubes.
Imagine having your fart sucked down twenty floors with mechanical assistance? Heaven, man!
 
2014-05-06 01:15:35 PM

Gergesa: Anyway, dog farts are the worst.


yup.  mine had some kind of stomach problem that we had to go to the vet for.  at one point it got so bad it would literally wake me up at night.  i'd be dead motherfarking out, and then what he was releasing was so bad, part of my brain, some vestige from caveman days i guess, would be like, "DANGER WILL ROBINSON!" and i'd spring up.  "Jesus christ, what is wrong with you?  time to sleep outside, big boy!"
 
2014-05-06 01:22:58 PM
they note that in Morocco, "it is traditionally held that breaking wind inside a mosque will blind, or even kill, the angels therein."

"Blinding the angels" is now my favorite euphemism for farting.

They go onto observe that farting is so closely associated with harmful spirits that a spot where one occurred may be marked by a small pile of stones, as if to trap the evil spirit inside.

Well, you're welcome to try that, but even if your stones are some kind of multi-ton chunks of activated carbon, they're not going to save you from the fruits of my mighty fartulence. Earlier today I dropped an asparagus-garlic powered fart in the elevator right before I got off that was so bad, I think I heard screams of terror from the floor below when the elevator made its next stop down there and released my demon spawn.
 
2014-05-06 01:24:02 PM

StrikitRich: [www.ghostwriteyourbook.com image 330x494]

Step right in, Farkers.

s3.amazonaws.com
 
2014-05-06 01:24:53 PM
Farting represents not just a foul scent, but an impinging of one human upon another, an invasion of the senses and a breach of personal space.


Just a few minutes ago it was in my ass, now it's inside your head. It's like aerosolized ass pennies.
 
2014-05-06 01:28:14 PM

scottydoesntknow: I have a confession. I don't know what happened, but about 5 years ago I lost the ability to produce smelly farts. It just went away. Whether they're wall-shaking or completely silent, there is no odor. As a guy, it's kind of emasculating.


Um...you just lost your sense of smell.
 
2014-05-06 01:28:37 PM
rickythepenguin:

Gergesa: Anyway, dog farts are the worst.

yup. mine had some kind of stomach problem that we had to go to the vet for. at one point it got so bad it would literally wake me up at night. i'd be dead motherfarking out, and then what he was releasing was so bad, part of my brain, some vestige from caveman days i guess, would be like, "DANGER WILL ROBINSON!" and i'd spring up. "Jesus christ, what is wrong with you? time to sleep outside, big boy!"


Dogs may have the quantity, but cats definitely have the quality.

CS,B: Was dating a girl and the cat jumped up on the bed and paraded around looking for the most comfy spot (which we had already occupied) and then walked on top of the girl. "Oh what a pretty cat!"

That's when the cat turned tail and let a tuna toot right up her nose. Never saw a woman jump up so fast.
 
2014-05-06 01:30:16 PM
AbiNormal

How else would guys bond?

You pretty much got it right on there. Just hang around with a bunch of guys anywhere from 15 to 25 years old and you'll think that there is a 'Culture Of Farts' that seems to be considered a rite of manhood.

They think it's hilarious!!

From SBD in a crowd, to walk-by to letting one rip while standing around. Then, the time honored favorite of catching someone sitting down, sneaking up behind them and letting one loose hard enough to blow the hair around on the back of his head.

Don't forget the hysterical practice of farting in the girl friends face or pull the old 'Dutch oven' on her. (Which make me wonder why the girls stay after that.)

Doing it in a crowded auditorium in school and blaming it on someone else was always a favorite.

Don't forget the insanity of lighting them on fire.

I figure the reason farts are considered more obnoxious than sneezing, coughing or spitting is because the majority of them can flat peel the paint off walls; they reek, stink and makes those nearby wonder what crawled up that guys guts and died.

Plus, you can't easily escape it.

As a private medical aid, I once took care of a young man in his 20s and he farted a lot! He thought it was funny but entering his family home revealed that the place had a distinctive, background aroma of stale farts which I found unpleasant.

Plus, I dislike going down a grocery aisle, buying food, to discover that some bugger let one rip moments before I got there and it hangs around like a pall.

There are two main types of farts: those you struggle to control, maybe letting a little bit out at a time, and those you seem to save up and blast so they sound like an air horn and create maximum annoyance.

Since men do the majority of this -- girlfriends doing their laundry need bleach for the resulting skid-marks.
 
2014-05-06 01:30:33 PM
Was in a buddy's car in high school when he started giggling like a loon. Knowing him I immediately started rolling down the window. I had my nose out in the slipstream when the smell hit me.

It wasn't enough.

I then leaped out of a moving car.

To this day, decades later, that was the worst thing I've ever smelled.
 
2014-05-06 01:31:14 PM
Not too long ago one of my Guatemalan co-workers shared a huge, home cooked meal with me. It hit me when I got on the train to go home, and there was no way to hold back. It was one of the most disgusting things I've ever smelled. You could practically see it moving by the looks on people's faces as it filled the train car. At about the 90 second mark I heard "one of y'all motherfarkers is NASTY!" from the back of the car. It took everything I had to not burst out laughing. It was truly one of the greatest achievements of my life, a moment of pure pride and joy.
 
2014-05-06 01:32:22 PM

mcmnky: scottydoesntknow: I have a confession. I don't know what happened, but about 5 years ago I lost the ability to produce smelly farts. It just went away. Whether they're wall-shaking or completely silent, there is no odor. As a guy, it's kind of emasculating.

Um...you just lost your sense of smell.


My fiance can't smell it. Neither can any of my friends.
 
2014-05-06 01:37:22 PM
img.fark.net
"Behold the gaseous stench of Skeletor's breakfast burrito!"
 
2014-05-06 01:38:44 PM

maxheck: 905:

"Has there ever been a human culture that, rather than holding their noses and wheezing, loved, appreciated and worshiped the fart?"

I'd say my four teen-aged nephews would fit that bill.

Long car trip in winter with my quondam G/F, her 9 Y/O son and 12 Y/O daughter are sitting in the back seat.

The son pipes up "I have CRIMINAL GAS!"

"Oh? How is that, D?"

"Because it's really, really BAD!"

And then it hits. The adults start winding down the windows while the daughter is screaming BLAUGHHH!!!!!! and the son is just as happy as a boy can be.


Same kid, his mom once described how he could belch, fart and sneeze at the same time to a group of 40+ year old software engineers, and they all were astonished... "We're not worthy!"


The car bomb is time-honored tradition in my house. If you rip one right before you get out for the night, sometimes you will find it waiting for you when you get back in the car in the morning.
 
2014-05-06 01:41:12 PM

cgraves67: The car bomb is time-honored tradition in my house. If you rip one right before you get out for the night, sometimes you will find it waiting for you when you get back in the car in the morning.


Ah, the "sunrise surprise."
 
2014-05-06 01:45:52 PM

Odd Bird: CSB
(yeah, we all have one)


Yeah, we all have one. Unfortunately for me, I wasn't the perpetrator in mine.
One of my co-workers wives had gotten on some weird health kick about garlic so they were putting roasted elephant garlic on pretty much everything they were eating. We're talking entire cloves of the stuff. For some reason this seemed to have adversely affected my co-worker's guts as we could regularly hear his guts churning. One day we're out doing a radio install in an ambulance at a customer location and I'm in the front doing my thing and he's in the back doing his. Suddenly he sticks his ass in the little walkway between the front of the vehicle and the back and releases this horrendous sounding fart. I mean this thing sounded like he'd stuck an air hose in a vat of babyfood for a full 15 seconds. Almost immediately after the smell hit. It was as if he'd rammed a stick of garlic summer sausage up his ass to rot. You could smell the garlic in his goddamn gas! It the first time I've ever smelled a fart that was almost appetizing.
 
2014-05-06 01:48:21 PM
you know why farts stink?

so deaf people can appreciate them too.
 
2014-05-06 01:50:29 PM
Thanks, Fartbama.
 
2014-05-06 01:52:19 PM
You know, I forget who it was, but some farker who was in korea said that korean farts are the worst because of kimchi.
 
2014-05-06 01:57:49 PM

joeshill: "Farting represents not just a foul scent, but an impinging of one human upon another, an invasion of the senses and a breach of personal space."

So does smoking.

Yet one is considered socially acceptable in public spaces, and the other is not.


Appropos
 
2014-05-06 01:58:03 PM
There is this one beer that I will no longer drink... A friend used to bring over Dundee Porter (somethingorother) and while it was a tasty enough beer and quite cheap... It must have had an ungodly amount of sulfur in it. I mean, death poots where you can't stay in the same room with yourself.
 
2014-05-06 02:05:15 PM

Gergesa: You know, I forget who it was, but some farker who was in korea said that korean farts are the worst because of kimchi.


Kimchi's bad. So is unpasteurized sauerkraut.

When the wife picks either of those up at Whole Foods, I know I will eat my share, because I love me some fermented cabbage. I also know that I will be spending a lot of time on the server floor the next day at work, because if I'm not in a room full of fans blowing in multiple directions, I will attract buzzards to the area.

The most satisfying crop-dusting of my life was post-kraut at the grocery store. I'd let one go in middle of the canned goods aisle, and stopped near the endcap. This pleasant-looking middle-aged woman was walking, when it hit her. She came to a complete stop, her eyes kind of bugged out, and she smacked her lips a couple of times, as though she was tasting something unpleasant. After standing there frozen for a good five seconds, she suddenly made a quick about-face and almost ran from the aisle.

I managed not to laugh out loud, but there were tears in my eyes.
 
2014-05-06 02:07:51 PM

rickythepenguin: my "that" story is from my navy days....we had a little tiny guard shack and i was on watch with this hottish gal who was married, but flirted all the time.  anyways, whatever i'd eaten, it was just terrible, just dreadful on the back end.  so i'd excuse myself on rover patrol, "i'm gonna go check the perimeter", and so on, and expel.  didn't want to offend her.


CSB:

In Ye Olde Dayes at MCAS Cherry Point there was a "wheel shack" at the end of the runway left over from WWII. Two people were posted there during operations and if someone tried to land without their landing gear down during radio silence, you fired a flare. Needless to say, this was obsolete, but still in use as a "punishment tour" for guys who messed up in one way or another when I was there in the late 60s and early 70s.

It was a wooden shack slightly larger than a phone booth and it was roasting hot in the summer, but made up for it by being freezing cold in the winter.  It wasn't too bad if you drew a tour with someone you knew, at least you could chat and biatch together.

One morning I was assigned with my pal Robbie for something we had done. We hit the mess hall first for breakfast - he had SOS (creamed chipped beef on toast) and I had a Bean Bowl. You made those by frying a piece of bologna until it curled up to make a bowl, which you filled with baked beans. Needless to say, both produced farts that were specifically mentioned in the Geneva Conventions as inhumane weapons of war.

An hour or so later I let slip an SBD. Robbie sniffed and said "Da fuq is wrong with you?" He responded by lifting a leg and producing a thunderous blast that could be heard all the way downriver at Newport. Unfortunately, while mine lacked sound, his lacked smell. So every few minutes he'd have to step outside the shack while the air cleared.

Of course, this caught the attention of the OoD in the tower, who was watching this take place through his binoculars. So we get a call on the radio asking what the problem is. Thinking fast, we said Robbie had a cramp in his leg and was trying to walk it off.

To this day, if one of us farts, we say "cramp in the leg."

/end CSB
 
2014-05-06 02:11:09 PM

kungfu jesus with a side of lime: i seriously wonder about farts and genetic predispositions. My father, brother and I fart epically throughout the day and generally have 2-3 poops a day. I feel like i am literally filled with more poop then other humans? why do I have stinky farts all the time and why do I poop more then mere mortals?


If your gut flora are producing large quantities of methane, then they can 'aerate' your poop and give them more volume.  If you shiat like you're a human can of Easy Cheese, then this is likely the case.
 

oldfarthenry: I wonder what kind of crop-dusting the mail-room staff must endure in those old office buildings with pneumatic tubes.
Imagine having your fart sucked down twenty floors with mechanical assistance? Heaven, man!


Sending a bomb to them 'air mail'?  That had to be priceless.  That said, i'm a CPAP user.  only once- ONCE - did I make the mistake of having the air intake part of the unit near my ass while I slept.  I delivered a turbocharged foul beer fart in my sleep directly from the depths of my ass to my brain.  It woke me up in terror.
 
2014-05-06 02:16:54 PM

unyon: Sending a bomb to them 'air mail'? That had to be priceless.


PGA announcer David Feherty said either in a book or on Dan Patrick that he and some other plyaer back in the day would have fart wars.  Feherty once fed exed a fart to his friend.  he literally shipped a fart, next day air, to his buddy.
 
2014-05-06 02:39:44 PM
I can clear out a room pretty quick. 15 bean soup makes for some serious gas if I eat more than one bowl.

I managed to chase the wife and one of the cats out of the living room. I farted, the cat looked at me, wrinkled its nose in disgust and left. The wife wasn't paying attention, but I was laughing so hard at the cats reaction she stopped reading to ask "What's so fun... OMG! WAS THAT YOU?! YOU'RE DISGUSTING!" At which point she left as well.

Why yes, I do think farts are funny, but peoples reaction to them are funnier
 
2014-05-06 02:45:33 PM
I'm farting now.

And now.
 
2014-05-06 02:52:22 PM
A few days ago I stunk one up so convincingly that my wife thought the baby needed a diaper change.
 
2014-05-06 02:55:37 PM
This thread is a veritable cornucopia of possible band names.
 
2014-05-06 03:18:50 PM
I'd rather burp and taste it,
than fart and waste it.
 
2014-05-06 03:20:01 PM

airsupport: I'm farting now.

And now.



Fart, Fart, Fart your way to fitness!
 
2014-05-06 03:21:00 PM

djkutch: Why are farts so funny?



because Farting brings two people closer.
 
2014-05-06 03:22:50 PM

kungfu jesus with a side of lime: i seriously wonder about farts and genetic predispositions. My father, brother and I fart epically throughout the day and generally have 2-3 poops a day. I feel like i am literally filled with more poop then other humans? why do I have stinky farts all the time and why do I poop more then mere mortals?



if you keep down that path without getting help, one day you'll no longer be able to fart or poop.  scary stuff.
 
2014-05-06 03:32:10 PM

scottydoesntknow: mcmnky: scottydoesntknow: I have a confession. I don't know what happened, but about 5 years ago I lost the ability to produce smelly farts. It just went away. Whether they're wall-shaking or completely silent, there is no odor. As a guy, it's kind of emasculating.

Um...you just lost your sense of smell.

My fiance can't smell it. Neither can any of my friends.



Vegetarian farts don't smell as bad because there is no meat in the gut to putrify.  i noticed the more meat i eat, the more stink i get.

and beans only make me fart bad initially.  after awhile,if i eat beans on a regular bases i guess the fiber cleans the meat out of me and the bad smelling farts stop.  kewl.

ok, no gay jokes now.  thank you.
 
2014-05-06 03:35:43 PM
oh, and wanted to clear this up:  Ladies, Real Ladies, don't Fart.
 
2014-05-06 03:38:30 PM

joeshill: "Farting represents not just a foul scent, but an impinging of one human upon another, an invasion of the senses and a breach of personal space."

So does smoking.

Yet one is considered socially acceptable in public spaces, and the other is not.



Steve Martin in airline seat.(when u used to be able to smoke in the plane)

guy sitting next to him: hey, ya' mind if i smoke?

Steve: why no, do ya' mind if i fart?
 
2014-05-06 03:41:09 PM

rickythepenguin: HawgWild: t then, the lady whose desk I was working at WALKED IN THE DOOR. She told me she FORGOT HER WORKOUT SNEAKERS and they were UNDER HER DESK. I tried to get them for her like a gentleman, but she just dove right under there.

my "that" story is from my navy days....we had a little tiny guard shack and i was on watch with this hottish gal who was married, but flirted all the time.  anyways, whatever i'd eaten, it was just terrible, just dreadful on the back end.  so i'd excuse myself on rover patrol, "i'm gonna go check the perimeter", and so on, and expel.  didn't want to offend her.

so at one point, she's like, "i'm gonna go to main building, be bback in 20."  she leaves, i start laying waste, just destroying the guard shack.

she bounds back in minute or so later and as i see her through the glass, i'm waving her off, "no!  no!  stay away!" and she looks at me like, "wtf?"  she walks in.  no words were exchanged.  just a look of shame on my face and "what is wrong with you?"  on hers.



did u f*ck her?
 
2014-05-06 03:47:01 PM
I read the article in David Attenborough's voice
 
2014-05-06 03:48:33 PM
Linux_Yes:

joeshill: "Farting represents not just a foul scent, but an impinging of one human upon another, an invasion of the senses and a breach of personal space."

So does smoking.

Yet one is considered socially acceptable in public spaces, and the other is not.


Steve Martin in airline seat.(when u used to be able to smoke in the plane)

guy sitting next to him: hey, ya' mind if i smoke?

Steve: why no, do ya' mind if i fart?


Riposte: "Well you are going to anyway at some point, so thanks for the go-ahead!"
 
2014-05-06 03:49:21 PM

CADMonkey79: joeshill: "Farting represents not just a foul scent, but an impinging of one human upon another, an invasion of the senses and a breach of personal space."

So does smoking.

Yet one is considered socially acceptable in public spaces, and the other is not.

I would rather have someone simultaneously fart and blow cigarette smoke in my face than have to listen to another whiny biatch complaining about smokers.



that is considered a sexual come on in some circles......
 
2014-05-06 03:50:47 PM

maxheck: Linux_Yes:

joeshill: "Farting represents not just a foul scent, but an impinging of one human upon another, an invasion of the senses and a breach of personal space."

So does smoking.

Yet one is considered socially acceptable in public spaces, and the other is not.


Steve Martin in airline seat.(when u used to be able to smoke in the plane)

guy sitting next to him: hey, ya' mind if i smoke?

Steve: why no, do ya' mind if i fart?

Riposte: "Well you are going to anyway at some point, so thanks for the go-ahead!"



nowadays, you have to get clearance from the Tower before blasting.  something about Terrorism or the like.
 
2014-05-06 03:54:44 PM

Linux_Yes: oh, and wanted to clear this up:  Ladies, Real Ladies, don't Fart.


Linux_Yes: scottydoesntknow: mcmnky: scottydoesntknow: I have a confession. I don't know what happened, but about 5 years ago I lost the ability to produce smelly farts. It just went away. Whether they're wall-shaking or completely silent, there is no odor. As a guy, it's kind of emasculating.

Um...you just lost your sense of smell.

My fiance can't smell it. Neither can any of my friends.


Vegetarian farts don't smell as bad because there is no meat in the gut to putrify.  i noticed the more meat i eat, the more stink i get.

and beans only make me fart bad initially.  after awhile,if i eat beans on a regular bases i guess the fiber cleans the meat out of me and the bad smelling farts stop.  kewl.

ok, no gay jokes now.  thank you.


Gay jokes? Naw, gay dudes are manly enough to eat real food and handle a partner that farts.
 
2014-05-06 03:55:43 PM
Variations on a long-ago PShop theme:


i59.tinypic.com
i60.tinypic.com
Why yes, I am juvenile as heck.
 
2014-05-06 03:59:40 PM
I have no CSB to share.  However, I wish to assert that this thread delivers.
 
2014-05-06 04:13:21 PM
As I have gotten older they have gotten nastier. I wish I had farts this rancid when I was younger. I promised the guys I work with no brocolli and cheese on work nights anymore. I alsotried to be polite by going to the supply room and letting them off in there, that was funny when one of the guys came back from there and looked at me and said "You sick motherfarker"
 
2014-05-06 04:15:25 PM

radiovox: I read the article in David Attenborough's voice


When he farts, ravens land on his shoulders.
 
2014-05-06 04:16:46 PM

Flying Code Monkey: I have no CSB to share.  However, I wish to assert that this thread delivers.


It's the NSFW Redheads of fart threads.
 
2014-05-06 04:40:50 PM
/csb/

I was doing yard work the day after a night out drinking nothing but Guiness.  I went into my shed to get my mower ready, and I was wearing headphones.  I felt the rumble, and allowed a tremendous Guiness-inspired flatus to power itself out.  This one was thunder and lightning . . . loud and horrendous.  Again, I felt the urge and released a 2nd and 3rd.  I then turned to face the door of my shed, and there stood a stranger.  A woman, perhaps 65 years of age . . . holding a handful of political flyers looking for support for her favorite candidate.  She had apparently attempted communication, but my headphones had drowned her out.  I have never seen such a mixed look of horror and pity.

/csb/
 
2014-05-06 04:57:46 PM
Georgie, my basset mix, could wake me up from a sound sleep with her stinging technicolor farts.  It's the only time in my life I have been awakened by a smell.
 
2014-05-06 05:14:25 PM
I took a friend out to play minigolf... Big, plump cherubic happy girl. We got to the end of the course, and she mentioned "Ok, I really need to find a bathroom soon." Just as she said that, I knocked my ball so that it got stuck in the grin of the big plywood cutout clown that guarded the final hole.

I turned to her and said "You think you have problems? Now I'm gonna need Clown Floss!"

She started laughing so hard that there ensued a 30-second, three octave trombone solo, which made *ME* laugh so hard I literally fell down.

Poor girl was mortified, but she got over it. To this day we can reduce each other to giggle fits just by saying "clown floss."
 
2014-05-06 05:28:57 PM
I should also mention re: my last comment, the girl in question was brought up to believe that girls never fart (at least in front of anyone) which might explain how she stored up so much that once she started laughing she COULD *fprrrt!* NOT *BBBBBRRT!* STOP *PAROO!* TOOTING!
 
2014-05-06 05:36:29 PM
Let an SBD go during the movie Frozen. One Saturday I was walking around the mall and let a little one rip and it was the worst thing I had smelled in a long time. So I got the idea to go into a movie and let an SBD go, for extra chuckles I chose a Disney flick.
 
2014-05-06 05:48:34 PM
Still not half as offensive as people who bathe in cologne.
 
2014-05-06 05:58:50 PM

905: "Has there ever been a human culture that, rather than holding their noses and wheezing, loved, appreciated and worshiped the fart?"

I'd say my four teen-aged nephews would fit that bill.


Not just humans   http://www.bitsofbooks.com/run/farting.html  (too big for Fark)
 
2014-05-06 06:06:45 PM
The only thing I got from the article was that you can kill angels by farting in the mosque,.

Why haven't the anti-muslims picked up on this devastating weapon?
 
2014-05-06 06:14:28 PM
mjjt:

905: "Has there ever been a human culture that, rather than holding their noses and wheezing, loved, appreciated and worshiped the fart?"

I'd say my four teen-aged nephews would fit that bill.

Not just humans http://www.bitsofbooks.com/run/farting.html (too big for Fark)


RUN AWAY!!!!!!
 
2014-05-06 06:16:36 PM

scottydoesntknow: I have a confession. I don't know what happened, but about 5 years ago I lost the ability to produce smelly farts. It just went away. Whether they're wall-shaking or completely silent, there is no odor. As a guy, it's kind of emasculating.


Eat egg yolks and other foods rich on sulphur. Also, stay out of my elevator.
 
2014-05-06 06:56:50 PM
One of my rats, Grigori, was a champion farter.  Of course, this may be because he was a reincarnation of my dog, who was likewise, a champion farter.
 
2014-05-06 07:21:59 PM

The My Little Pony Killer: Still not half as offensive as people who bathe in cologne.


And that again is not half as bad as the Eastern Europeans who neither bathe or wear deodorant. Other EE and CSE know what I mean.
 
2014-05-06 07:54:04 PM
The farts I love the most are not necessarily the smelliest, but the ones so powerful, it lifts you off your seat a little bit and some of the gas gets trapped in your underwear. The gas doesn't escape until you shift a little. It even tickles your balls sometimes.
 
2014-05-06 08:12:02 PM
I have a gorgeous friend who loves to fart in crowded elevators, because, hey, who's going to blame the pretty girl?

Nurses have a weird sense of humor...
 
2014-05-06 08:53:30 PM

Slow of Wit: I have a gorgeous friend who loves to fart in crowded elevators, because, hey, who's going to blame the pretty girl?


I'm picturing an elevator full of pervs with their eyes closed, all leaning toward her and inhaling steadily through their noses.
 
2014-05-06 09:37:39 PM
at a 20th class reunion a group of about 10 of us were standing at a bar.  Someone let out an eye-watering SBD.  Everyone scattered except for a very attractive gal, who stayed put and laughed her ass off.

/probably a farker, too.
 
2014-05-06 09:38:01 PM
I am lucky in that I work with old people. I just drop them around them and make a clean getaway.
 
2014-05-06 09:40:59 PM
I was banned by my college roommate from eating fried mozzarella cheese sticks. If you had struck a match in my dorm room after eating those the place would have blown up.
 
2014-05-06 11:29:47 PM
reneau.smugmug.com
 
2014-05-06 11:32:10 PM
reneau.smugmug.com
 
2014-05-06 11:32:12 PM
24.media.tumblr.com
 
2014-05-06 11:32:45 PM
reneau.smugmug.com
 
2014-05-07 12:23:26 AM
Fiber One bars.

They are farking delicious, but you could launch yourself into space from the gas it gives you.

Also, don't eat two at a time. I made that terrible mistake once. That WRECKED my stomach.
 
2014-05-07 12:39:21 AM
Then there's toot poetry, lawd, I haven't though of this stuff for years....

Years ago I had a very creative co-worker, and whenever we were bored we'd email each other silly things, usually lists of the things her cat didn't do that day. One day her (somewhat dotty) mom came to visit her at work so they could go to lunch. Said friend was introducing mom to her boss when mom let it rip both audibly and olfactory and just kept talking as if nothing had happened.

Later that day I got a hilarious epic poem of at least two pages and I REALLY wish I could find a copy... All about Michelle's Mom's Toots.

The one line I remember is "she float dem biscuits while they're hot..."

Then there's "The Mug, Sundered." That one was never written down, but a G/F (the one with the CRIMINAL son) and I were up late, already exhausted but unable to sleep, so we started making up an epic poem about some guy who dated a rich girl and was invited to meet the family at their palatial mansion at a fancy dinner. Unfortunately the guy had had Taco Bell for lunch.

Eventually he had to excuse himself to find the bathroom... Wandering the halls he can't find the bathroom, but he does find an antique china chamberpot in one room...

Unfortunately said chamberpot is not up to the ensuing blast. I only remember two stanzas:

"As I sat down, rather urgent,
my bean burrito came emergent
with sturm und drang to make a Wagner proud!

It was loud,
It made a cloud!

...

Oh, now there's a blunder!
I have burst the mug asunder!
And it was my nether thunder what done it...
Holy... Cow...
I mean, like OW!"


Why yes, we were cackling like 12-year olds while creating that...
 
2014-05-07 12:51:59 AM
No real stinker tales to add here, just a poorly timed cough fart. I was at a local store, in an area where I thought I was alone. No carpet, no drapes, nothing to absorb sound. Oh, and a high ceiling. It was like a concert hall for my sonic boom. The entire time I was browsing around, the rumbles were in the works. Long story short, my cough was plenty loud but the duration wasn't even close. The reverb effect was awesome. I turned around to ditch the potential cloud and noticed an older couple just ten feet away from me. To make things worse, I got the giggles when I saw the shocked looks on their faces. I felt my face getting warm as I quickly shuffled to the door. Here it is, over a year later, and I still chuckle at that one!

/I love this thread
 
2014-05-07 01:13:43 AM
pinchpoint:
...At about the 90 second mark I heard "one of y'all motherfarkers is NASTY!" from the back of the car.

I'm still giggling like a nine year old over that statement!
 
2014-05-07 08:32:43 AM

Barricaded Gunman: FTFA: Farts may very well be the penultimate bodily emission.

Attention article "writer:" Words mean things.


Nah -

I like to throw big words around all the time.

The other day I caught my friend while zyphoid process.

Wait maybe they do...
 
2014-05-07 12:50:47 PM
Am I the only one here that used to light farts?

There is a slight learning curve.
 
2014-05-07 12:51:49 PM
'Course that was before I learned to never trust a fart.
 
2014-05-07 03:43:57 PM
quantum_jellyroll


It's a shame what Lionel Ritchie's been reduced to.
 
2014-05-07 06:30:11 PM
HELP! HELP! I'M BEING GASSED! COME SEE THE FLATULENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM!
 
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