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(International Business Times)   Pro tip: When trying to commit the perfect murder, don't write about how you would commit the perfect murder   (ibtimes.co.uk) divider line 60
    More: Dumbass, protip, Australians, perfect murder, murders, The Advocate  
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3901 clicks; posted to Main » on 30 Apr 2014 at 12:24 PM (19 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-04-30 03:58:12 PM

MythDragon: He grew his hair out?


Bevis did not age well.
 
2014-04-30 04:01:19 PM
My serial killer plan is to travel around the country and kill people with different MOs in different areas, but be geographically consistent.  Like strangle hookers on the east coast, stab bus drivers on the west coast.

Play the whole cat and mouse game with different police departments and see if they can figure out they're looking for the same guy.  If it takes them a while to catch on, start throwing permutations like strangling bus drivers, stabbing hookers, etc.
 
2014-04-30 04:01:47 PM

kore: jaylectricity: First, be smart from the very beginning. Pulverize all teeth, burn off fingerprints, and disfigure the face. Forcing a DNA test to establish identity (if it ever comes to that) might introduce the legal/forensic hurdle that saves your ass down the line. An unidentifiable body can, in a pinch, be dressed in thrift store clothes and dropped in a bad part of town where the police are less likely to question it. I don't reommend that disposal method, I'm just saying an easily identifiable body is an even bigger threat than the opposite.

Right, because the police won't be at all suspicious why your supposed vagrant had its teeth pulverized, fingers burned, and face smashed.

- "Hey Lou, it looks like someone didn't want us to ID this body."
- "Yeah, well it's just another vagrant."
- "Sure, but you think, maybe, the murder didn't want us ID the body for a reason."
- "Nope, it's just another case of vagrant-murder-and-mutilation. Nothing to see here."


I guess it depends on how busy your local PD's homocide unit is.
 
2014-04-30 04:02:49 PM

Witness99: You lure him into a sexy game of bondage. It's important that you don't show your hand ahead of time, he has to trust you. Once he's restrained, you inject him with, uh, what's that MIchael Jackson stuff? No, not Jesus Juice, that hospital stuff for general anesthesia. It'll put him right out. Do not further disturb the body - no cutting, bludgeoning, etc - you don't want them to find his DNA splattered all over your house


Look, if phase 1 is sexy game of bondage, phase 2 doesn't start until there's already DNS splattered all over my house.
 
2014-04-30 05:45:51 PM

serial_crusher: My serial killer plan is to travel around the country and kill people with different MOs in different areas, but be geographically consistent.  Like strangle hookers on the east coast, stab bus drivers on the west coast.

Play the whole cat and mouse game with different police departments and see if they can figure out they're looking for the same guy.  If it takes them a while to catch on, start throwing permutations like strangling bus drivers, stabbing hookers, etc.


Just remember, they're only hookers if they are in the trunk of your car, otherwise they are call girls.
 
2014-04-30 05:55:00 PM

Witness99: You all can vouch that I've been here posting on Fark all day, right?  RIGHT??!!?


You've got 99 witnesses and a biatch ain't one.
 
2014-04-30 06:44:06 PM
serial_crusher: Look, if phase 1 is sexy game of bondage, phase 2 doesn't start until there's already DNS splattered all over my house.

8.8.8.8 or 8.8.4.4?
 
2014-04-30 06:54:07 PM

Gonz: serial_crusher: Look, if phase 1 is sexy game of bondage, phase 2 doesn't start until there's already DNS splattered all over my house.

8.8.8.8 or 8.8.4.4?


You don't want to see his ipee range
 
2014-04-30 07:45:50 PM

Witness99: You lure him into a sexy game of bondage.  It's important that you don't show your hand ahead of time, he has to trust you.  Once he's restrained, you inject him with, uh, what's that MIchael Jackson stuff?  No, not Jesus Juice, that hospital stuff for general anesthesia.  It'll put him right out.  Do not further disturb the body - no cutting, bludgeoning, etc - you don't want them to find his DNA splattered all over your house.  Secure a plastic bag tightly over his head (in case he's still alive), then roll him up in a carpet and load him into the backseat of his car (you need a garage for this, don't want anyone witnessing you and the carpet.  You asked him to park in your garage because your car is in the spot on the street.  And he has a nice car, so he likes the idea).  Btw, do not use a carpet that was previously in your house and could be noticed as missing by investigators.  Use a carpet that you bought with cash at the thrift store.

Don't panic.  You're not in a hurry here and this next part is important.  Stay connected to your work online - if you can telecommute, keep that Cisco dot green and write and answer a few emails.  You are working.  Make a few phone calls.  Carpet guy isn't going anywhere.  Your demeanor is relaxed and normal.  Gather his things into a bag, everything he might have left there - phone, no not keys, leave those at your house.  Put his phone in his car with the body.

Now, all you have to do is drive the body and belongings to a very rural area with caves/sinkholes where you can drop him and the stuff into.  These can be VERY deep, and nobody will ever find the body.  Depending on where you live, you might have to drive awhile.  Wear a hat and shades, you don't want a neighbor to notice you driving the car. Wear gloves when handling the bags, carpet, and KEYS etc...Now, drive his car back to your house (just park in the driveway, not the garage.).  It's the next morning now - call in to work to take the day off because you're rea ...



Assuming this is a woman killing a man you forgot to make sure she puts the drivers seat of his car back to his position, along with mirrors etc. That's the sort of thing Colombo would spot.

Plus most people would take their cellphone with them on a walk, so the cops would know the phone stayed at your house when he was supposed to be out for a walk. If he left it at home, where is it and why didn't you hear it ringing when you tried to call it the first time?

Also carpet fibres can be identified. If they do a full CSI sweep of your house they will find carpet fibres that don't belong to your carpets. They will keep these on file. In a few years time when they find his body they will find the matching carpet with it, or fibres if you didn't throw the carpet with the body. That leads straight back to you.

Someone driving at night wearing a hat and dark glasses is very suspicious and will make sure people remember seeing you and the car. Better to be totally nondescript and wear simple, but not your own, ordinary glasses. Make sure all the tail lights etc are working and don't speed, but don't drive too slow either.
 
2014-04-30 07:55:45 PM

Flint Ironstag: Witness99: You lure him into a sexy game of bondage.  It's important that you don't show your hand ahead of time, he has to trust you.  Once he's restrained, you inject him with, uh, what's that MIchael Jackson stuff?  No, not Jesus Juice, that hospital stuff for general anesthesia.  It'll put him right out.  Do not further disturb the body - no cutting, bludgeoning, etc - you don't want them to find his DNA splattered all over your house.  Secure a plastic bag tightly over his head (in case he's still alive), then roll him up in a carpet and load him into the backseat of his car (you need a garage for this, don't want anyone witnessing you and the carpet.  You asked him to park in your garage because your car is in the spot on the street.  And he has a nice car, so he likes the idea).  Btw, do not use a carpet that was previously in your house and could be noticed as missing by investigators.  Use a carpet that you bought with cash at the thrift store.

Don't panic.  You're not in a hurry here and this next part is important.  Stay connected to your work online - if you can telecommute, keep that Cisco dot green and write and answer a few emails.  You are working.  Make a few phone calls.  Carpet guy isn't going anywhere.  Your demeanor is relaxed and normal.  Gather his things into a bag, everything he might have left there - phone, no not keys, leave those at your house.  Put his phone in his car with the body.

Now, all you have to do is drive the body and belongings to a very rural area with caves/sinkholes where you can drop him and the stuff into.  These can be VERY deep, and nobody will ever find the body.  Depending on where you live, you might have to drive awhile.  Wear a hat and shades, you don't want a neighbor to notice you driving the car. Wear gloves when handling the bags, carpet, and KEYS etc...Now, drive his car back to your house (just park in the driveway, not the garage.).  It's the next morning now - call in to work to take the day off because you're rea ...


Assuming this is a woman killing a man you forgot to make sure she puts the drivers seat of his car back to his position, along with mirrors etc. That's the sort of thing Colombo would spot.

Plus most people would take their cellphone with them on a walk, so the cops would know the phone stayed at your house when he was supposed to be out for a walk. If he left it at home, where is it and why didn't you hear it ringing when you tried to call it the first time?

Also carpet fibres can be identified. If they do a full CSI sweep of your house they will find carpet fibres that don't belong to your carpets. They will keep these on file. In a few years time when they find his body they will find the matching carpet with it, or fibres if you didn't throw the carpet with the body. That leads straight back to you.

Someone driving at night wearing a hat and dark glasses is very suspicious and will make sure people remember seeing you and the car. Better to be totally nondescript and wear simple, but not your own, ordinary glasses. Make sure all the tail lights etc are working and don't speed, but don't drive too slow either.


Yeah, cell phones are a problem. Ok, he didn't take it with him because he was just going down to the park a block away to smoke. I would hear it in the house first time I called.

Lose the carpet, unnecessary. It's his car, makes sense his hairs, etc would be found in there.

If it's night I probably wouldn't need a disguise.

I'm totally just kidding about this Cruiser12 if you're listening :)
 
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