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(International Business Times)   Pro tip: When trying to commit the perfect murder, don't write about how you would commit the perfect murder   (ibtimes.co.uk) divider line 60
    More: Dumbass, protip, Australians, perfect murder, murders, The Advocate  
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3908 clicks; posted to Main » on 30 Apr 2014 at 12:24 PM (24 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-04-30 11:47:59 AM  
The question mark after 'Leave' really makes that list.
 
2014-04-30 11:55:34 AM  

Delta1212: The question mark after 'Leave' really makes that list.


It was changed. Originally it read:

Leave? Or maybe have a BBQ?
 
2014-04-30 11:59:56 AM  
First, be smart from the very beginning. Pulverize all teeth, burn off fingerprints, and disfigure the face. Forcing a DNA test to establish identity (if it ever comes to that) might introduce the legal/forensic hurdle that saves your ass down the line. An unidentifiable body can, in a pinch, be dressed in thrift store clothes and dropped in a bad part of town where the police are less likely to question it. I don't reommend that disposal method, I'm just saying an easily identifiable body is an even bigger threat than the opposite.
Assuming you have it inside a house where you can work on it a bit, the first thing you want to do is drain it of fluids. This will make it easier to cut up, and slow decomposition a little bit. The best way to do this quick and dirty is to perforate the body with a pointed knife, and then perform CPR on it. Cut the fronts of the thighs deep, diagonally, to slit the femoral arteries. Then pump the chest. The valves in the heart will still work when dead, and the springback of the ribcage can put apply a fair amount of suction to the artria. Do this in a tub. Plug the drain, and mingle lots of bleach with the bodily fluids before unplugging the drain to empty the tub. This should help control the stench of death, which would otherwise reek from your gutter gratings. Do everything you can to control odors. Plug in an ionizer, burn candles, leave bowls of baking soda everywhere. Ventilate the room in the middle of the night, but otherwise keep it closed. Keep the body under a plastic sheet while it's in the tub.
If you want to bury, I recommend seperating the body into several parts, and burying them seperately. For one thing, it's easier to dig a deep enough hole for a head than for an entire body. this reduces your chances of being discovered while you are actually outside and digging the grave.
That is the one thing you can't do inside the doors of your house, and represents a vulnerable moment you want to keep brief, under 2 hours. Do it between 3 and 5 am. It's also less likely for someone to call the police if their dog digs up some chunk of meat, than if they dig up an enitre body. They may assume it's an animal carcass disfigured by decomposition, and leave it alone or dispose of it. It's also more likely that the dog will consume all of it before anyone knows the difference. A whole skeleton is another story. You can cut a body into 6 pieces faster than you think. It's not much different than boning a chicken, but it takes more work, a big knife, and time. A hammer will be useful for pulverizing joints or driving the knife deep where it doesn't want to go. Anyway it's wise to crush as much of the skeleton as you can along the way. It will aid in making the body less identifiable for what it is as it decomposes.

Don't return to the same site 6 times for 6 burials.You'll attract suspicion from anyone nearby, and you'll wind up placing the body parts close enough together to be found by any serious investigation. Put them in plastic bags with lots of bleach, and store in a freezer until you have enough time to bury them all.
Depending on what tools you have available, you may find that you're get really good at deconstructing the body. You might prefer to slowly sprinkle it down a drain without leaving your house. This avoids the long-term risk of discovery associated with burial, and the overwhelming supply of bacteria in a sewer accellerates deconomposition, whil e providing a convenient cover smell.
Truly grinding down a body takes a lot more work, and you run the risk of fouling your plumbing and calling in a plumber. So don't try it unless you know how to clear bones and meat out of a drainpipe. A good food processor can be useful. But don't over-use it, or power drills or saws. They're noisy and they attract attention. And forget the kitchen sink. It's better if you actually remove one of the toilets in your house from its base, which will give you direct access to one of the largest sewer pipes that enters your house. Follow any disposals with lots of bleach and then run the water for 5 or 10 minutes on top of that. And plug that pipe when you're not using it, to prevent any sewer gasses from backing up into your house. Usually, a U-trap inside the toilet does that for you.
 
2014-04-30 12:27:32 PM  
The sketch artist picture makes him look like Peyton Manning with a mullet.
 
2014-04-30 12:28:39 PM  
You wait patiently for your victim to die of natural causes. No one will suspect a thing.
 
2014-04-30 12:28:58 PM  
upload.wikimedia.org
 
2014-04-30 12:31:48 PM  
That is the first rule of Murder Club.
 
2014-04-30 12:32:03 PM  
Slowly he turned step by step....
 
2014-04-30 12:34:29 PM  
So, subby is a professional killer?
 
2014-04-30 12:34:32 PM  
Came for...

johnrieber.files.wordpress.com

had to do it myself ;P
 
2014-04-30 12:36:49 PM  

jaylectricity: First, be smart from the very beginning. Pulverize all teeth, burn off fingerprints, and disfigure the face. Forcing a DNA test to establish identity (if it ever comes to that) might introduce the legal/forensic hurdle that saves your ass down the line. An unidentifiable body can, in a pinch, be dressed in thrift store clothes and dropped in a bad part of town where the police are less likely to question it. I don't reommend that disposal method, I'm just saying an easily identifiable body is an even bigger threat than the opposite.
Assuming you have it inside a house where you can work on it a bit, the first thing you want to do is drain it of fluids. This will make it easier to cut up, and slow decomposition a little bit. The best way to do this quick and dirty is to perforate the body with a pointed knife, and then perform CPR on it. Cut the fronts of the thighs deep, diagonally, to slit the femoral arteries. Then pump the chest. The valves in the heart will still work when dead, and the springback of the ribcage can put apply a fair amount of suction to the artria. Do this in a tub. Plug the drain, and mingle lots of bleach with the bodily fluids before unplugging the drain to empty the tub. This should help control the stench of death, which would otherwise reek from your gutter gratings. Do everything you can to control odors. Plug in an ionizer, burn candles, leave bowls of baking soda everywhere. Ventilate the room in the middle of the night, but otherwise keep it closed. Keep the body under a plastic sheet while it's in the tub.
If you want to bury, I recommend seperating the body into several parts, and burying them seperately. For one thing, it's easier to dig a deep enough hole for a head than for an entire body. this reduces your chances of being discovered while you are actually outside and digging the grave.
That is the one thing you can't do inside the doors of your house, and represents a vulnerable moment you want to keep brief, under 2 hours. Do it between 3 and 5 am. It's also less likely for someone to call the police if their dog digs up some chunk of meat, than if they dig up an enitre body. They may assume it's an animal carcass disfigured by decomposition, and leave it alone or dispose of it. It's also more likely that the dog will consume all of it before anyone knows the difference. A whole skeleton is another story. You can cut a body into 6 pieces faster than you think. It's not much different than boning a chicken, but it takes more work, a big knife, and time. A hammer will be useful for pulverizing joints or driving the knife deep where it doesn't want to go. Anyway it's wise to crush as much of the skeleton as you can along the way. It will aid in making the body less identifiable for what it is as it decomposes.
Don't return to the same site 6 times for 6 burials.You'll attract suspicion from anyone nearby, and you'll wind up placing the body parts close enough together to be found by any serious investigation. Put them in plastic bags with lots of bleach, and store in a freezer until you have enough time to bury them all.
Depending on what tools you have available, you may find that you're get really good at deconstructing the body. You might prefer to slowly sprinkle it down a drain without leaving your house. This avoids the long-term risk of discovery associated with burial, and the overwhelming supply of bacteria in a sewer accellerates deconomposition, whil e providing a convenient cover smell.
Truly grinding down a body takes a lot more work, and you run the risk of fouling your plumbing and calling in a plumber. So don't try it unless you know how to clear bones and meat out of a drainpipe. A good food processor can be useful. But don't over-use it, or power drills or saws. They're noisy and they attract attention. And forget the kitchen sink. It's better if you actually remove one of the toilets in your house from its base, which will give you direct access to one of the largest sewer pipes that enters your house. Follow any disposals with lots of bleach and then run the water for 5 or 10 minutes on top of that. And plug that pipe when you're not using it, to prevent any sewer gasses from backing up into your house. Usually, a U-trap inside the toilet does that for you.


Or own a pig farm.
 
2014-04-30 12:37:10 PM  

neversubmit: Came for...

[johnrieber.files.wordpress.com image 233x216]

had to do it myself ;P


So have I.  Many times.
 
2014-04-30 12:37:14 PM  
What are they going to do - deport him to Australia?
 
2014-04-30 12:39:07 PM  
Or at least, don't do it the way you wrote. I cannot stress this enough.
 
2014-04-30 12:40:37 PM  
Great, now if someone I know gets murdered then the cops will find out I went to website about "trying to commit the perfect murder and not writing about how you would commit the perfect murder" then I'll end up as a Fark headline about "When trying to commit the perfect murder, don't visit a website about someone detailing plans to commit the perfect murder and learning the lesson not to write about how you would commit the perfect murder.
 
2014-04-30 12:45:51 PM  
unavailable for comment
mwanorcal.org
 
2014-04-30 12:46:46 PM  
Speaking of perfect crimes, how's OJ doing? I haven't heard much from him since he went to jail.

How are sales of his book I'm not Saying I did it but Here's How I Did It or whatever it's called?

Simpsons Simpson Did It. I guess we can get crazy and stop ignoring all of the DNA evidence despite the possibility that it was contaminated.

The urge to boast seems to be one of the weaknesses of the criminal mind.

With forensic science becoming ever more clever and accurate, it's getting pretty hard to commit any crime without tiny molecules and motes of dust giving you away.

Too bad we don't have any black holes nearby in which to dump our evidence. That's probably the only way to destroy evidence--everything else just moves it around and contaminates everything it touches.
 
2014-04-30 12:48:05 PM  
A lot of holes in the desert. And a lot of problems are buried in those holes. But you gotta do it right. I mean, you gotta have the hole already dug before you show up with a package in the trunk. Otherwise, you're talking about a half-hour to forty-five minutes worth of digging. And who knows who's gonna come along in that time? Pretty soon, you gotta dig a few more holes. You could be there all farckin' night.
 
2014-04-30 12:48:21 PM  
I like to consider reading murder mysteries as "research".
 
2014-04-30 12:51:17 PM  
d.ibtimes.co.uk

www.thesmokinggun.com

He grew his hair out?
 
2014-04-30 12:55:32 PM  
c) be famous and have a really good lawyer
 
2014-04-30 12:55:56 PM  
I am disturbed by the number of "people" I have read about committing a murder just because "they wanted to see what it felt like."  The worst thing is, you might be targeted and never even see it coming - all because Little Johnny Sociopath wanted to see what it felt like.  They should have got the death penalty, if they have that in Australia.
 
2014-04-30 12:57:34 PM  
I have some pretty interesting ideas on how to destroy evidence, but i am not sharing.
 
2014-04-30 12:59:12 PM  
upload.wikimedia.org

The suspect as an adolescent
 
2014-04-30 12:59:34 PM  
Stake out a barber shop and a nail salon.
Collect large volumes of human hair, nails, and skin.
Kill someone.
At a minimum clean their nails.
Clean fingerprints.
Put them in a mattress bag.
Add hair, nails, and skin.
Seal the bag.
Do the shake and bake thing.
Leave in a prudent manner.
 
2014-04-30 01:01:48 PM  
Once that you've decided on a killing
First you make a stone of your heart
And if you find that your hands are still willing
Then you can turn a murder into art
There really isn't any need for bloodshed
You just do it with a little more finesse
If you can slip a tablet into someone's coffee
Then it avoids an awful lot of mess
It's murder by numbers, one, two, three
It's as easy to learn as your ABC
Murder by numbers, one, two, three
It's as easy to learn as your ABC
Now if you have a taste for this experience
And you're flushed with your very first success
Then you must try a twosome or a threesome
And you'll find your conscience bothers you much less
Because murder is like anything you take to
It's a habit-forming need for more and more
You can bump off every member of your family
And anybody else you find a bore
Because it's murder by numbers, one, two, three
It's as easy to learn as your ABC
Murder by numbers, one, two, three
It's as easy to learn as your ABC
Now you can join the ranks of the illustrious
In history's great dark hall of fame
All our greatest killers were industrious
At least the ones that we all know by name
But you can reach the top of your profession
If you become the leader of the land
For murder is the sport of the elected
And you don't need to lift a finger of your hand
Because it's murder by numbers, one, two, three
It's as easy to learn as your ABC
Murder by numbers, one, two, three
It's as easy to learn as your A, B, C, D, E
 
2014-04-30 01:05:02 PM  
Hire the target a personal physician. You'd be surprised how often that works.
 
2014-04-30 01:09:12 PM  
Looks like a relative of Kato Kaelin. Didn't he know to write AFTER the murder?
 
2014-04-30 01:14:08 PM  
www.alcohollywood.com
 
2014-04-30 01:16:01 PM  
My ex used to love playing "How would you get rid of a body?" He was pretty clever with it. That's not why we broke up, but if they ever find me dead somewhere he's the last person you should suspect.
 
2014-04-30 01:16:34 PM  
Hehe, looks like Mac from It's always sunny, and the list is verbatim to what his character would do too.
 
2014-04-30 01:19:10 PM  

Katchaa: [upload.wikimedia.org image 328x497]


You beat me to it. Exactly what I thought. Well played.
 
2014-04-30 01:21:52 PM  

Cold_Sassy: I am disturbed by the number of "people" I have read about committing a murder just because "they wanted to see what it felt like."  The worst thing is, you might be targeted and never even see it coming - all because Little Johnny Sociopath wanted to see what it felt like.  They should have got the death penalty, if they have that in Australia.


Something about that happening in Reno
 
2014-04-30 01:23:09 PM  
There's no such thing as a perfect murder.

Now, you might get away with it, depending on the details. But perfect as in "leaving no trace of evidence"? Nope.
 
2014-04-30 01:26:50 PM  
Thin cloth sack, some weight, and an ocean.

//Allegedly
 
2014-04-30 01:27:04 PM  

LeroyBourne: Hehe, looks like Mac from It's always sunny, and the list is verbatim to what his character would do too.


... Leave?
 
2014-04-30 01:31:20 PM  

js34603: There's no such thing as a perfect murder.

Now, you might get away with it, depending on the details. But perfect as in "leaving no trace of evidence"? Nope.


*cough* jimmy hoffa*cough*
 
2014-04-30 01:33:44 PM  

Kevin72: Cold_Sassy: I am disturbed by the number of "people" I have read about committing a murder just because "they wanted to see what it felt like."  The worst thing is, you might be targeted and never even see it coming - all because Little Johnny Sociopath wanted to see what it felt like.  They should have got the death penalty, if they have that in Australia.

Something about that happening in Reno


Yes, Mr. Cash.  Still, those are two sick farks who shouldn't be walking the earth with the rest of us.
 
2014-04-30 01:35:25 PM  

Flint Ironstag: Or own a pig farm.


img.fark.net

Approves, may feed you to his pigs
 
2014-04-30 01:37:51 PM  
How else will people know how perfect I am?
 
2014-04-30 01:38:46 PM  

Rhino_man: LeroyBourne: Hehe, looks like Mac from It's always sunny, and the list is verbatim to what his character would do too.

... Leave?


Or stay and have a few brews, whatever.
 
2014-04-30 01:45:06 PM  

jaylectricity: First, be smart from the very beginning. Pulverize all teeth, burn off fingerprints, and disfigure the face. Forcing a DNA test to establish identity (if it ever comes to that) might introduce the legal/forensic hurdle that saves your ass down the line. An unidentifiable body can, in a pinch, be dressed in thrift store clothes and dropped in a bad part of town where the police are less likely to question it. I don't reommend that disposal method, I'm just saying an easily identifiable body is an even bigger threat than the opposite.


Right, because the police won't be at all suspicious why your supposed vagrant had its teeth pulverized, fingers burned, and face smashed.

- "Hey Lou, it looks like someone didn't want us to ID this body."
- "Yeah, well it's just another vagrant."
- "Sure, but you think, maybe, the murder didn't want us ID the body for a reason."
- "Nope, it's just another case of vagrant-murder-and-mutilation. Nothing to see here."
 
2014-04-30 01:53:12 PM  

neversubmit: Came for...

[johnrieber.files.wordpress.com image 233x216]

had to do it myself ;P


phrasing...
 
2014-04-30 02:00:08 PM  

kore: jaylectricity: First, be smart from the very beginning. Pulverize all teeth, burn off fingerprints, and disfigure the face. Forcing a DNA test to establish identity (if it ever comes to that) might introduce the legal/forensic hurdle that saves your ass down the line. An unidentifiable body can, in a pinch, be dressed in thrift store clothes and dropped in a bad part of town where the police are less likely to question it. I don't reommend that disposal method, I'm just saying an easily identifiable body is an even bigger threat than the opposite.

Right, because the police won't be at all suspicious why your supposed vagrant had its teeth pulverized, fingers burned, and face smashed.

- "Hey Lou, it looks like someone didn't want us to ID this body."
- "Yeah, well it's just another vagrant."
- "Sure, but you think, maybe, the murder didn't want us ID the body for a reason."
- "Nope, it's just another case of vagrant-murder-and-mutilation. Nothing to see here."


Let he who has never murdered and mutilated a vagrant for no reason cast the first stone.
 
2014-04-30 02:15:25 PM  
The wife says she could kill me, blame it on the meds, write a book about it and go on Oprah. Now that Oprah's off the air, I can relax a bit and enjoy this sweet tea. The wife makes great sweet tea. Never touches it herself. Not a sweet tea drinker, I guess.
 
2014-04-30 02:47:17 PM  

paleryder69: js34603: There's no such thing as a perfect murder.

Now, you might get away with it, depending on the details. But perfect as in "leaving no trace of evidence"? Nope.

*cough* jimmy hoffa*cough*

teresainfortworth.files.wordpress.com

'No Jimmy Hoffa isn't dead.  He just went home.'
 
2014-04-30 03:03:50 PM  
You lure him into a sexy game of bondage.  It's important that you don't show your hand ahead of time, he has to trust you.  Once he's restrained, you inject him with, uh, what's that MIchael Jackson stuff?  No, not Jesus Juice, that hospital stuff for general anesthesia.  It'll put him right out.  Do not further disturb the body - no cutting, bludgeoning, etc - you don't want them to find his DNA splattered all over your house.  Secure a plastic bag tightly over his head (in case he's still alive), then roll him up in a carpet and load him into the backseat of his car (you need a garage for this, don't want anyone witnessing you and the carpet.  You asked him to park in your garage because your car is in the spot on the street.  And he has a nice car, so he likes the idea).  Btw, do not use a carpet that was previously in your house and could be noticed as missing by investigators.  Use a carpet that you bought with cash at the thrift store.

Don't panic.  You're not in a hurry here and this next part is important.  Stay connected to your work online - if you can telecommute, keep that Cisco dot green and write and answer a few emails.  You are working.  Make a few phone calls.  Carpet guy isn't going anywhere.  Your demeanor is relaxed and normal.  Gather his things into a bag, everything he might have left there - phone, no not keys, leave those at your house.  Put his phone in his car with the body.

Now, all you have to do is drive the body and belongings to a very rural area with caves/sinkholes where you can drop him and the stuff into.  These can be VERY deep, and nobody will ever find the body.  Depending on where you live, you might have to drive awhile.  Wear a hat and shades, you don't want a neighbor to notice you driving the car. Wear gloves when handling the bags, carpet, and KEYS etc...Now, drive his car back to your house (just park in the driveway, not the garage.).  It's the next morning now - call in to work to take the day off because you're really distressed about your boyfriend who went out for a walk/smoke last night and never returned.  Call and report him to the cops as a missing person, they will say you have to wait 72 hours and that's of course very upsetting to you, because you know it's not like him to just "disappear" like that.  You might want to go on a bender for the next two days so you look like total crap when the cops show up a couple days letter, you want those eyes red and puffy.

Oh crap, I almost forgot - call his friends to ask if they know where he is (do this after he's been "gone" on his "walk" for about two hours.  Make sure you also called his phone several times and leave worried messages.

There, see?  Easy peasy.  Keep your mouth shut, don't brag, and share your feelings of loss with all your friends.

When you buy the MJ drug (or whatever you end up using, hell, you could just suffocate him and use no drug since he's in cuffs).  In fact yes, I'm revising this - suffocation, or they might track the sale of the drug to you. When you call his phone because he hasn't returned from his walk, create a fake trail, opposite direction of where you actually take the body (because they'll be able to get the cell tower records).  You know what, don't throw the phone in the sinkhole with the body - you turned it off before the trip.  Destroy the phone.  In a place far away from the body.

Uh oh, the odometer - that car wasn't supposed to drive anywhere.  Ok, you have to know how to reset the odometer.  But don't research that on your own computer, go to a library.  Or call and ask using a disposable phone.  Nothing local, call and ask a mechanic several states away.

You know what, this is getting too complicated.  Just don't kill anyone.
 
2014-04-30 03:09:26 PM  
You all can vouch that I've been here posting on Fark all day, right?  RIGHT??!!?
 
2014-04-30 03:10:08 PM  
Actually, if I was just going to commit a murder for fun, I'd drive to a random town about 15-20 miles away, and pick a victim I have absolutely no connections with.

If I get off the street without being noticed, I ought to be OK.
 
2014-04-30 03:52:56 PM  
If it was truly the perfect murder I'd be able to write about it without consequence.
 
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