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(Huffington Post UK)   Eleven more reasons why you will never see Jesus in your lifetime. For one he'd have to wear shoes just to get inside most places and he doesn't do shoes   ( divider line
    More: Amusing, Jesus Christ, David Copperfield, Little Britain, David Blaine, Dare I Say  
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4400 clicks; posted to Main » on 29 Apr 2014 at 10:49 AM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2014-04-29 11:32:07 AM  
4 votes:
standbyformindcontrol.comView Full Size
2014-04-29 11:15:43 AM  
2 votes:

Charlie Chingas: How does something that never existed come back?

I dunno, but I bet if you asked Michio Kaku he could come up with something.
2014-04-29 10:55:17 AM  
2 votes:
"Hey, there was some bearded Middle-Eastern dude outside talking about how the rich should give away all their stuff. He was giving out out free healthcare and turned a Filet-O-Fish into 5,000, Filets-O-Fish? Filets-O-Fishes? Which one is it? Anyway, I called the cops and they hauled him away to turn over to INS. Probably on a slow boat to Gitmo."
2014-04-29 10:46:21 AM  
2 votes:
radioislam.orgView Full Size
2014-04-29 03:24:45 PM  
1 vote:
I thought he already came back.
static.fjcdn.comView Full Size
2014-04-29 01:50:26 PM  
1 vote:

DarthBart: The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves: I expect it's the same reason I won't see Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny in my lifetime.

Jesus Christ, a man-hating lesbian, Santa Claus, and a well adjusted homosexual woman all come up to a four way stop.....

That's a difficult one. Jesus would probably have the right-of-way as Santa Claus would just fly over, and we both know the lesbian and homosexual can't go straight.
2014-04-29 01:08:10 PM  
1 vote:
1. Because he never lived, and therefore never died.
2. Because the believers of the early church never saw him (due to point #1), and thus were told he was coming back. They appeared to believe his return was eminent.
3. Because even it were true, Jesus said he wouldn't return until the gospel had been preached to every corner of the Earth.
4. Depending upon your interpretation of point 4, his return is either yet to come when we stop discovering primitive peoples in places like the Amazon or Papua New Guinea or isn't going to happen because we now know that the Earth is round and doesn't have corners.
5. Because most of the popular ideas about Jesus returning -- the Rapture, the Tribulation, etc -- are rather recent theological inventions from the late 19th century.
6. Because the book of Revelation is clearly talking about the destruction of the Roman empire and not the modern world (which is known in theology as the "preterist" viewpoint).

Should I keep going, or are those enough?
2014-04-29 12:33:37 PM  
1 vote:

Barfmaker: The Mormons are even kind enough to send pretty young women.

Go on.....
2014-04-29 12:05:17 PM  
1 vote:
There is another option.  I got a call from a guy names Lance who helped turn my life around.

This is Lance from the Custom Faith Foundation, are you happy with your current faith and or belief system?  Before you answer that, let me ask you a question.  How would you like to be a part of a religion which was custom made for you pre-conceived notions of reality and with none of the shame and guilt of many main stream religions?  How much would you expect to pay for something like that? 7%, 10%, maybe even 15% of your annual income?  What would you say if I told you I could provide you with your very own Custom Faith Religion of Choice Worship Package for less than 3% of your annual income? Don't answer yet, because with that package, you will also receive a custom made shrine, alter, pendulum or plaque, which will symbolize the central theme of your personal faith system.  Before you respond, let me ask you, are you tired of people questioning your belief system and having no good response to their criticisms?  We will also provide you with an air-tight set of custom modified responses, packed full of circular reasoning and arguments from authority.  The more of your religion has to be taken on faith, the stronger the faith of those who accept it.  Why bother with a belief system that leaves you feeling guilty and depressed, switch to your new Custom Faith Religion of Choice Worship Packageand take back control of your life.
2014-04-29 11:59:49 AM  
1 vote:

Devil's Playground: It's pretty simple really. Politely say "I'm not interested" and close the door before they have a chance to respond.
Not only will they leave, I've never had a particular group return after doing so.

lamebook.comView Full Size
2014-04-29 11:46:23 AM  
1 vote:
He can't use those air driers in the restroom because they make his hand holes whistle.
2014-04-29 11:10:59 AM  
1 vote:

Facetious_Speciest: Fano

The door to door people never give you the hellfire Fred Phelps treatment.

They're not supposed to, but you can lead them into it pretty easily. Last time I had JWs come by, they ended up saying that unsaved children (innocents, obviously) were essentially cockroaches, not to be mourned when the end comes.

/not kidding

It's also pretty easy for someone who already strongly dislikes a group like the Jesus salesmen to remember/characterize them in the worst possible light.  Then again, maybe it really happened as written.

I just know that I've had my door knocked on or have been approached a bunch of times.  They were polite and relatively friendly, and I was polite and relatively friendly back.  I'd accept any literature, but refuse any other offers, and we'd all part ways with smiles and I'd go on about my heathen business with nothing more than a mildly irksome delay and maybe some extra papers to peruse in the shiatter or recycle at my leisure.
2014-04-29 11:02:18 AM  
1 vote:

/You use that 'amusing' tag pretty liberally, huh subby

For real.  I want my 3 minutes back.  WITH INTEREST.
2014-04-29 10:56:33 AM  
1 vote:
"If Obama had a son....

thegatewaypundit.comView Full Size
2014-04-29 10:54:50 AM  
1 vote:
That was not even close to being funny. We gots Farkers who are way more humoruser
2014-04-29 10:54:05 AM  
1 vote:

InterruptingQuirk: [ image 289x578]

Kinda deja vu there.
2014-04-29 10:36:04 AM  
1 vote:

MaudlinMutantMollusk: Last I heard he was headed for New Orleans

The Beast is 31 miles from New Marais
2014-04-29 10:22:57 AM  
1 vote:
Last I heard he was headed for New Orleans
2014-04-29 09:52:46 AM  
1 vote:

scottydoesntknow: Relatively Obscure: It comes on the back of a visit by some very persuasive religious group hustlers who banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue wagging telling me, 'Jesus is coming'.

I've had some door-to-door Jesus salesmen in my time, but other than being an inconvenience they were always relatively nice.  I've never in my life been approached by anyone with fierce finger and tongue wagging.  I wonder what the hell group comes to this guy's house.

Personally I think he made it up as a lame excuse to write this. Maybe if he didn't come off as a smarmy douche I would've believed it.

"That's a thing that happens, right? Who's to say it couldn't have happened to me?"
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