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(Huffington Post UK)   Eleven more reasons why you will never see Jesus in your lifetime. For one he'd have to wear shoes just to get inside most places and he doesn't do shoes   (huffingtonpost.co.uk ) divider line
    More: Amusing, Jesus Christ, David Copperfield, Little Britain, David Blaine, Dare I Say  
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4245 clicks; posted to Main » on 29 Apr 2014 at 10:49 AM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-04-29 11:55:28 AM  
It's pretty simple really. Politely say "I'm not interested" and close the door before they have a chance to respond.
Not only will they leave, I've never had a particular group return after doing so.
 
2014-04-29 11:59:49 AM  

Devil's Playground: It's pretty simple really. Politely say "I'm not interested" and close the door before they have a chance to respond.
Not only will they leave, I've never had a particular group return after doing so.


www.lamebook.com
 
2014-04-29 12:00:52 PM  

GameSprocket: [www.standbyformindcontrol.com image 850x477]


Damn you for making me laugh
 
2014-04-29 12:02:03 PM  
i57.tinypic.com
 
2014-04-29 12:05:00 PM  
There is an element of truth to this. His homless appearance and bloddy hands and feet would not gain him entry into any megachurch.
 
2014-04-29 12:05:17 PM  
There is another option.  I got a call from a guy names Lance who helped turn my life around.

Hello,
This is Lance from the Custom Faith Foundation, are you happy with your current faith and or belief system?  Before you answer that, let me ask you a question.  How would you like to be a part of a religion which was custom made for you pre-conceived notions of reality and with none of the shame and guilt of many main stream religions?  How much would you expect to pay for something like that? 7%, 10%, maybe even 15% of your annual income?  What would you say if I told you I could provide you with your very own Custom Faith Religion of Choice Worship Package for less than 3% of your annual income? Don't answer yet, because with that package, you will also receive a custom made shrine, alter, pendulum or plaque, which will symbolize the central theme of your personal faith system.  Before you respond, let me ask you, are you tired of people questioning your belief system and having no good response to their criticisms?  We will also provide you with an air-tight set of custom modified responses, packed full of circular reasoning and arguments from authority.  The more of your religion has to be taken on faith, the stronger the faith of those who accept it.  Why bother with a belief system that leaves you feeling guilty and depressed, switch to your new Custom Faith Religion of Choice Worship Packageand take back control of your life.
 
2014-04-29 12:07:35 PM  

scottydoesntknow: Relatively Obscure: It comes on the back of a visit by some very persuasive religious group hustlers who banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue wagging telling me, 'Jesus is coming'.

I've had some door-to-door Jesus salesmen in my time, but other than being an inconvenience they were always relatively nice.  I've never in my life been approached by anyone with fierce finger and tongue wagging.  I wonder what the hell group comes to this guy's house.

Personally I think he made it up as a lame excuse to write this. Maybe if he didn't come off as a smarmy douche I would've believed it.


could be it did happen the the "author" is just a smarmy douche
 
2014-04-29 12:14:26 PM  
I love Jesus.  I talk to him every day.  He's my gardner.

//obligatory.
 
2014-04-29 12:14:54 PM  
I was hiking deep in the desert one day and I came upon a briskly flowing river. As I filled my bottles I saw a man walking across the turbulent water. I stood and met the man as he stepped on the bank, and I asked him "are you Jesus, son of God?" And he replied "No, I'm Jesus, son of Hector. Everyone in Mexico learns to walk on water, how you think so many of us get over the border?"
 
2014-04-29 12:18:55 PM  
I had a pleasant conversation with some nice Jehovah's Witness kids who approached me while doing yard work.
We talked about music-Prince, Michael Jackson, The Beatles, etc.
after a few minutes they said they could see I was busy, apologized for interrupting me and went their way.
So meh, didn't bother me in any way.
 
2014-04-29 12:20:24 PM  

Charlie Chingas: How does something that never existed come back?


I thought conventional wisdom was that this person did indeed walk the earth. Whether he was all that some say he was is open for interpretation. But there was a person named Jesus walking around in that era.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Historicity_of_Jesus

Just what I've read, I'm not a scholar in this matter. I linked Wiki, but there are a lot of other sources.
 
2014-04-29 12:24:52 PM  
I recall reading that around the time Christianity was becoming widely adopted in the Roman empire there was widespread belief that the return of Jesus was imminent. Kind of puts things in perspective.
 
2014-04-29 12:25:15 PM  

Relatively Obscure: It comes on the back of a visit by some very persuasive religious group hustlers who banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue wagging telling me, 'Jesus is coming'.

I've had some door-to-door Jesus salesmen in my time, but other than being an inconvenience they were always relatively nice.  I've never in my life been approached by anyone with fierce finger and tongue wagging.  I wonder what the hell group comes to this guy's house.


The majority of my experiences are good, but I've had a few go very sour.

The problem is I'm a Christian but follow a more liberal theology than most door-to-door evangelists are comfortable with. Sometimes I get people who are really unable to cope with the idea that my Christian beliefs are not the same as theirs, and that's when things can go bad.
 
2014-04-29 12:27:06 PM  

ChrisDe: But there was a person named Jesus walking around in that era.


It was as common a name as John or something is now.

Many of the stories in the bible attributed to Jesus are actually some other guy in Jewish writings. Can't remember the name at the moment.
 
2014-04-29 12:27:08 PM  

durbnpoisn: I love Jesus.  I talk to him every day.  He's my gardner.

//obligatory.


I see him every Wednesday!
 
2014-04-29 12:28:42 PM  
Hermione_Granger:  Flip flops are all the rage right now, even for guys.

They've been common in my neck of the woods for over 20 years. Even for guys.

You a Canukistani or something?
 
2014-04-29 12:29:10 PM  
Well, that was depressingly unfunny, but then what else would I expect from someone described as a "Glasgow-born comedian".
 
2014-04-29 12:31:34 PM  
J. Frank Parnell

It was as common a name as John or something is now.

Eh, no. It was actually rather exclusively found amongst Jews, who were an extreme global minority.

"John," I suppose ironically, is only as popular as it is (with forms in many different languages amongst many ethnic groups) because of Jesus.
 
2014-04-29 12:33:18 PM  
I saw Jesus a couple of times in the 70s.
 
2014-04-29 12:33:37 PM  

Barfmaker: The Mormons are even kind enough to send pretty young women.


Go on.....
 
2014-04-29 12:33:48 PM  

J. Frank Parnell: ChrisDe: But there was a person named Jesus walking around in that era.

It was as common a name as John or something is now.

Many of the stories in the bible attributed to Jesus are actually some other guy in Jewish writings. Can't remember the name at the moment.


It's still a common Latino name. But I think they're saying there was a "Jesus" Jesus, not just a Jesus Goldberg or a Jesus Weinstein.
 
2014-04-29 12:35:43 PM  
Jesus reappeared in the 1960s, and was beaten to death by riot cops.
 
2014-04-29 12:36:40 PM  

wingedkat: Relatively Obscure: It comes on the back of a visit by some very persuasive religious group hustlers who banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue wagging telling me, 'Jesus is coming'.

I've had some door-to-door Jesus salesmen in my time, but other than being an inconvenience they were always relatively nice.  I've never in my life been approached by anyone with fierce finger and tongue wagging.  I wonder what the hell group comes to this guy's house.

The majority of my experiences are good, but I've had a few go very sour.

The problem is I'm a Christian but follow a more liberal theology than most door-to-door evangelists are comfortable with. Sometimes I get people who are really unable to cope with the idea that my Christian beliefs are not the same as theirs, and that's when things can go bad.


I guess I just don't get into any really substantive discussions with them.  I smile, listen for a bit, take whatever book or pamphlet they have with a thank you, refuse anything else with a thank you and bail out. I don't think I've ever discussed my own beliefs during these encounters, so there's never really any place for them to find disagreement with 'em.
 
2014-04-29 12:39:07 PM  

Herr Flick's Revenge: I had a pleasant conversation with some nice Jehovah's Witness kids who approached me while doing yard work.
We talked about music-Prince, Michael Jackson, The Beatles, etc.
after a few minutes they said they could see I was busy, apologized for interrupting me and went their way.
So meh, didn't bother me in any way.



Prince - "Insatiable"

Greatest love making song ever.
 
2014-04-29 12:39:43 PM  
Try these on for size....

i.lesmads.de
 
2014-04-29 12:40:49 PM  

lindalouwho: I saw Jesus a couple of times in the 70s.


That was Joe Namath.
 
2014-04-29 12:41:26 PM  
Ooooh. So edgy, Huffington Post.
 
2014-04-29 12:43:10 PM  

Relatively Obscure: I smile, listen for a bit, take whatever book or pamphlet they have with a thank you, refuse anything else with a thank you and bail out.


I let my dog savagely bark at them through the screen door.

"Will he bite?"

"Only if I open the door."
 
2014-04-29 12:45:06 PM  
Relatively Obscure

I guess I just don't get into any really substantive discussions with them.

This is obviously the wisest course of action. I wish I could follow it more often. My wife was raised to believe it rude to shoo people away from the door, and I was raised to debate people who came to the door (seriously, my mother's father thought it the funniest thing in the world to pull a chair up to the door to debate evangelists, and passed this on to further generations as one of the great things about America). The compromise in my house is that if they don't leave after my wife politely declines (because even after declining interest, she simply can't shut the door in their face, as it's rude to her people), I debate them until they leave.

An unwise use of time, but entertaining.
 
2014-04-29 12:46:59 PM  

Charlie Chingas: How does something that never existed come back?


Schrodinger would like his cat back.
 
2014-04-29 12:47:35 PM  

DROxINxTHExWIND: lindalouwho: I saw Jesus a couple of times in the 70s.

That was Joe Namath.


Who else gets better looking every day?
 
2014-04-29 12:51:44 PM  
Then there's the Mediocrity Principle. Seeing as he went out for smokes 2,000 years ago, and we can't assume that this time is special or privileged or unusual in any way, it's likely he won't be back for another 2,000 years. Also, the world population is still growing and will probably grow until mid-century or possibly even for another century. That means that a couple of billion people remain to be born before we reach Peak Souls. God can magnify his glory and mercies by letting all those people be born and have a shot at salvation and perpetual bliss and why wouldn't He?

In short, it is far more likely that Jesus will return when I am well over a hundred years old than that he will return today.

Which is just as well as I have started my taxes yet. I still have to render unto Caesar.

Many Christians believe that there will be a seven year period of natural and devil-made disasters before He returns. This is called the Tribulations. Some believe that his return will be preceded by a 1,000 year reign of the Devil. There is disagreement on when this Reign of Error may have started or will yet start. Yet others believe that the return of Jesus will be followed by a 1,000 year Reich of Jesus the King, and that this will be followed by the Tribulations and then Judgement.

So even if you are a True Believer, there is a good chance you won't see Jesus in your lifetime because you will die int he Tribulations or not lived through the Reign of Satan.

But you will see him again on Judgment Day, so you have that to look forward to if you are a Christian in good standing.

So Science and Religion agree for once:  your chances of seeing the Lord are pretty damn slim.

Besides, the Bible says that all eyes shall see His Coming (on a white horse, or a throne, or a white horse standing on a throne, or prossibly a throne on a white horse). Since not everybody has TV or Internet, that's unlikely to happen until the Internet is much bigger and faster, otherwise His Coming will crash the Internet before a lot of people get a chance of seeing HImself.
 
2014-04-29 12:53:08 PM  
?  I just had Jesus mow my lawn the other day.
 
2014-04-29 12:54:42 PM  
This time it won't be Jesus, it will be the anti-Christ.

Not "anti" as in, "against", but more like "opposite".

The anti-Christ will appear to say, "The apocalypse is always with you, as every day is a revelation. You have been given numerous texts full of wisdom; your literature and cultures are full of excellent examples of paths to enlightenment and how to treat each other and this world as precious gifts. This time you must save yourselves. Farewell".

Then he will vanish.
 
2014-04-29 12:55:05 PM  
Jesus was a Capricorn. He ate organic food. He believed in love and peace and never wore no shoes. Long hair, beard, sandles, and a funky bunch of friends, I reckon they'd just nail him up if he comes down again.
 
2014-04-29 12:55:35 PM  

Facetious_Speciest: Relatively Obscure

I guess I just don't get into any really substantive discussions with them.

This is obviously the wisest course of action. I wish I could follow it more often. My wife was raised to believe it rude to shoo people away from the door, and I was raised to debate people who came to the door (seriously, my mother's father thought it the funniest thing in the world to pull a chair up to the door to debate evangelists, and passed this on to further generations as one of the great things about America). The compromise in my house is that if they don't leave after my wife politely declines (because even after declining interest, she simply can't shut the door in their face, as it's rude to her people), I debate them until they leave.

An unwise use of time, but entertaining.


My dad was raised Catholic (and practiced, though not so much these days that I can tell).  He once offered to an individual meeting (or whatever they call their recruitment efforts) with some Jehovah's Witnesses if they'd come to his church and meet with the priest. Sounds polite and fair to me. I'm told they didn't agree and didn't return.
 
2014-04-29 01:01:28 PM  
It's been some time, but I have had some aggressive, fear-tactic using Jesus peddlers come to my door on more than one occasion. Nowadays I don't really give them a chance. As soon as I realize what's up, I say "not interested" and close the door, cutting off their spiel.
 
2014-04-29 01:08:10 PM  
1. Because he never lived, and therefore never died.
2. Because the believers of the early church never saw him (due to point #1), and thus were told he was coming back. They appeared to believe his return was eminent.
3. Because even it were true, Jesus said he wouldn't return until the gospel had been preached to every corner of the Earth.
4. Depending upon your interpretation of point 4, his return is either yet to come when we stop discovering primitive peoples in places like the Amazon or Papua New Guinea or isn't going to happen because we now know that the Earth is round and doesn't have corners.
5. Because most of the popular ideas about Jesus returning -- the Rapture, the Tribulation, etc -- are rather recent theological inventions from the late 19th century.
6. Because the book of Revelation is clearly talking about the destruction of the Roman empire and not the modern world (which is known in theology as the "preterist" viewpoint).

Should I keep going, or are those enough?
 
2014-04-29 01:23:02 PM  
He can't hit a curveball either.
 
2014-04-29 01:38:23 PM  

secularsage: 1. Because he never lived, and therefore never died.
2. Because the believers of the early church never saw him (due to point #1), and thus were told he was coming back. They appeared to believe his return was eminent.
3. Because even it were true, Jesus said he wouldn't return until the gospel had been preached to every corner of the Earth.
4. Depending upon your interpretation of point 4, his return is either yet to come when we stop discovering primitive peoples in places like the Amazon or Papua New Guinea or isn't going to happen because we now know that the Earth is round and doesn't have corners.
5. Because most of the popular ideas about Jesus returning -- the Rapture, the Tribulation, etc -- are rather recent theological inventions from the late 19th century.
6. Because the book of Revelation is clearly talking about the destruction of the Roman empire and not the modern world (which is known in theology as the "preterist" viewpoint).

Should I keep going, or are those enough?


You could've just told us you were athiest/agnostic/another faith.
 
2014-04-29 01:43:41 PM  

secularsage: 1. Because he never lived, and therefore never died.
2. Because the believers of the early church never saw him (due to point #1), and thus were told he was coming back. They appeared to believe his return was eminent.
3. Because even it were true, Jesus said he wouldn't return until the gospel had been preached to every corner of the Earth.
4. Depending upon your interpretation of point 4, his return is either yet to come when we stop discovering primitive peoples in places like the Amazon or Papua New Guinea or isn't going to happen because we now know that the Earth is round and doesn't have corners.
5. Because most of the popular ideas about Jesus returning -- the Rapture, the Tribulation, etc -- are rather recent theological inventions from the late 19th century.
6. Because the book of Revelation is clearly talking about the destruction of the Roman empire and not the modern world (which is known in theology as the "preterist" viewpoint).

Should I keep going, or are those enough?


As pointed out upthread, the man Jesus did exist. It's the question of his true parentage that is up for debate.

/Also not a scholar
 
2014-04-29 01:46:11 PM  

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves: I expect it's the same reason I won't see Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny in my lifetime.


Jesus Christ, a man-hating lesbian, Santa Claus, and a well adjusted homosexual woman all come up to a four way stop.....
 
2014-04-29 01:50:26 PM  

DarthBart: The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves: I expect it's the same reason I won't see Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny in my lifetime.

Jesus Christ, a man-hating lesbian, Santa Claus, and a well adjusted homosexual woman all come up to a four way stop.....


That's a difficult one. Jesus would probably have the right-of-way as Santa Claus would just fly over, and we both know the lesbian and homosexual can't go straight.
 
2014-04-29 02:18:53 PM  
I told the priest, don't count on any second coming

God got his ass kicked the first time he came down here slumming

He had the balls to come, the gall to die and then forgive us

No I don't wonder why, I wonder what he thought it would get us
 
2014-04-29 02:31:23 PM  

Relatively Obscure: It comes on the back of a visit by some very persuasive religious group hustlers who banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue wagging telling me, 'Jesus is coming'.

I've had some door-to-door Jesus salesmen in my time, but other than being an inconvenience they were always relatively nice.  I've never in my life been approached by anyone with fierce finger and tongue wagging.  I wonder what the hell group comes to this guy's house.


They were probably two magazine subscriptions away from the bonus trip to Hawai'i.
 
2014-04-29 02:33:15 PM  

give me doughnuts: InterruptingQuirk: [www.radioislam.org image 289x578]

He'd be a rabbi. Same as last time.


He wasn't a rabbi.  He was a carpenter.
 
2014-04-29 02:35:26 PM  

dk47: Jesus saves


And Abdul-Jabbar scores on the inbounds pass!!
 
2014-04-29 03:07:40 PM  

MooseBayou: give me doughnuts: InterruptingQuirk: [www.radioislam.org image 289x578]

He'd be a rabbi. Same as last time.

He wasn't a rabbi.  He was a carpenter.


His dad was a carpenter. He was just a member of 'Occupy Temple'.
 
2014-04-29 03:15:43 PM  
I have it on good authority that the Jesus is a Totalfarker. The downtrodden liters can still be forgiven for not tithing their monthly $5 to the Church of Farkology.
 
2014-04-29 03:24:45 PM  
I thought he already came back.
static.fjcdn.com
 
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