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(Huffington Post UK)   Eleven more reasons why you will never see Jesus in your lifetime. For one he'd have to wear shoes just to get inside most places and he doesn't do shoes   (huffingtonpost.co.uk) divider line 109
    More: Amusing, Jesus Christ, David Copperfield, Little Britain, David Blaine, Dare I Say  
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4117 clicks; posted to Main » on 29 Apr 2014 at 10:49 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



109 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2014-04-29 09:04:04 AM  
1. He's dead.
 
2014-04-29 09:23:31 AM  
1. The Lord your God is One.

/first commandment and all
 
2014-04-29 09:26:30 AM  

Delta1212: 1. He's dead.


Actually that's reason 11.

/You use that 'amusing' tag pretty liberally, huh subby
 
2014-04-29 09:35:02 AM  
It comes on the back of a visit by some very persuasive religious group hustlers who banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue wagging telling me, 'Jesus is coming'.

I've had some door-to-door Jesus salesmen in my time, but other than being an inconvenience they were always relatively nice.  I've never in my life been approached by anyone with fierce finger and tongue wagging.  I wonder what the hell group comes to this guy's house.
 
2014-04-29 09:49:34 AM  

Relatively Obscure: It comes on the back of a visit by some very persuasive religious group hustlers who banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue wagging telling me, 'Jesus is coming'.

I've had some door-to-door Jesus salesmen in my time, but other than being an inconvenience they were always relatively nice.  I've never in my life been approached by anyone with fierce finger and tongue wagging.  I wonder what the hell group comes to this guy's house.


Personally I think he made it up as a lame excuse to write this. Maybe if he didn't come off as a smarmy douche I would've believed it.
 
2014-04-29 09:52:46 AM  

scottydoesntknow: Relatively Obscure: It comes on the back of a visit by some very persuasive religious group hustlers who banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue wagging telling me, 'Jesus is coming'.

I've had some door-to-door Jesus salesmen in my time, but other than being an inconvenience they were always relatively nice.  I've never in my life been approached by anyone with fierce finger and tongue wagging.  I wonder what the hell group comes to this guy's house.

Personally I think he made it up as a lame excuse to write this. Maybe if he didn't come off as a smarmy douche I would've believed it.


"That's a thing that happens, right? Who's to say it couldn't have happened to me?"
 
2014-04-29 09:58:33 AM  

Relatively Obscure: It comes on the back of a visit by some very persuasive religious group hustlers who banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue wagging telling me, 'Jesus is coming'.

I've had some door-to-door Jesus salesmen in my time, but other than being an inconvenience they were always relatively nice.  I've never in my life been approached by anyone with fierce finger and tongue wagging.  I wonder what the hell group comes to this guy's house.


Yeah they've always been the nicest in my experience. The Mormons are even kind enough to send pretty young women.

The most aggressive and unpleasant are the natural gas/hot water tank scammers, they actually get angry when you say no. It happens so consistently and no matter how nice you are that I think they're taught to do that.

One of them got so angry at a friend of mine that she ended up in tears and shaking.
 
2014-04-29 10:13:52 AM  
12. He's still fictional.
 
2014-04-29 10:22:57 AM  
Last I heard he was headed for New Orleans
 
2014-04-29 10:25:32 AM  
12. He can't find any true followers to appear to.
 
2014-04-29 10:36:04 AM  

MaudlinMutantMollusk: Last I heard he was headed for New Orleans


The Beast is 31 miles from New Marais
 
2014-04-29 10:46:21 AM  
www.radioislam.org
 
2014-04-29 10:54:05 AM  

InterruptingQuirk: [www.radioislam.org image 289x578]


Kinda deja vu there.
 
2014-04-29 10:54:50 AM  
That was not even close to being funny. We gots Farkers who are way more humoruser
 
2014-04-29 10:55:15 AM  

InterruptingQuirk: [www.radioislam.org image 289x578]


He'd be a rabbi. Same as last time.
 
2014-04-29 10:55:17 AM  
"Hey, there was some bearded Middle-Eastern dude outside talking about how the rich should give away all their stuff. He was giving out out free healthcare and turned a Filet-O-Fish into 5,000 Filet-O-Fishes...um, Filets-O-Fish? Filets-O-Fishes? Which one is it? Anyway, I called the cops and they hauled him away to turn over to INS. Probably on a slow boat to Gitmo."
 
2014-04-29 10:55:17 AM  

scottydoesntknow: Relatively Obscure: It comes on the back of a visit by some very persuasive religious group hustlers who banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue wagging telling me, 'Jesus is coming'.

I've had some door-to-door Jesus salesmen in my time, but other than being an inconvenience they were always relatively nice.  I've never in my life been approached by anyone with fierce finger and tongue wagging.  I wonder what the hell group comes to this guy's house.

Personally I think he made it up as a lame excuse to write this. Maybe if he didn't come off as a smarmy douche I would've believed it.


I also vote for Dear Prudence level made up. Usually the worst they do is bring along some sad little girl to sing or quote gospel to make you feel bad for not donating. The door to door people never give you the hellfire Fred Phelps treatment.
 
2014-04-29 10:55:54 AM  

Schmerd1948: That was not even close to being funny. We gots Farkers who are way more humoruser


Spent miles can spin a yarn about a traveling preacher I'd love to hear
 
2014-04-29 10:56:33 AM  
"If Obama had a son....

www.thegatewaypundit.com
 
2014-04-29 10:58:29 AM  
Same reason I'll never see the Easter Bunny?
 
2014-04-29 10:58:47 AM  
12. He read this "article" and decided humanity is not worth saving.

It's not even humorous on a subject that lends itself to plenty of funny. Is it just to get a religion thread going? Has there not been one in a while so maybe people's positions have changed?
 
2014-04-29 11:02:18 AM  
scottydoesntknow:

/You use that 'amusing' tag pretty liberally, huh subby

For real.  I want my 3 minutes back.  WITH INTEREST.
 
2014-04-29 11:02:28 AM  
Fano

The door to door people never give you the hellfire Fred Phelps treatment.

They're not supposed to, but you can lead them into it pretty easily. Last time I had JWs come by, they ended up saying that unsaved children (innocents, obviously) were essentially cockroaches, not to be mourned when the end comes.

/not kidding
//cockroaches
 
2014-04-29 11:10:59 AM  

Facetious_Speciest: Fano

The door to door people never give you the hellfire Fred Phelps treatment.

They're not supposed to, but you can lead them into it pretty easily. Last time I had JWs come by, they ended up saying that unsaved children (innocents, obviously) were essentially cockroaches, not to be mourned when the end comes.

/not kidding
//cockroaches


It's also pretty easy for someone who already strongly dislikes a group like the Jesus salesmen to remember/characterize them in the worst possible light.  Then again, maybe it really happened as written.

I just know that I've had my door knocked on or have been approached a bunch of times.  They were polite and relatively friendly, and I was polite and relatively friendly back.  I'd accept any literature, but refuse any other offers, and we'd all part ways with smiles and I'd go on about my heathen business with nothing more than a mildly irksome delay and maybe some extra papers to peruse in the shiatter or recycle at my leisure.
 
2014-04-29 11:12:46 AM  
No dinosaurs to ride.
 
2014-04-29 11:13:23 AM  
Um what, I googled "Jesus walking" and I would say about 90% of pictures portray Him wearing shoes.

so, yeah, he does sandals, snarkynotfunnywriterguy.
 
2014-04-29 11:13:48 AM  
How does something that never existed come back?
 
2014-04-29 11:14:04 AM  

Delta1212: 1. He's dead.


*raises eyebrow* can't read a comedy article eh?
 
2014-04-29 11:14:55 AM  

Charlie Chingas: How does something that never existed come back?


How does parody comedy get written in a humor section article
 
2014-04-29 11:15:43 AM  

Charlie Chingas: How does something that never existed come back?


I dunno, but I bet if you asked Michio Kaku he could come up with something.
 
2014-04-29 11:16:01 AM  

cwolf20: Delta1212: 1. He's dead.

*raises eyebrow* can't read a comedy article eh?


I read the article, have yet to find any comedy.
 
2014-04-29 11:16:57 AM  
No shoes, no shirt, no Jesus?

He did wear sandals didn't he though? Flip flops are all the rage right now, even for guys.
 
2014-04-29 11:17:29 AM  
to my recollection, that is the first time I have seen the writer responding to people in the comments section. That was kind of weird to see.
 
2014-04-29 11:19:18 AM  
You'd think he'd want to wear sandals, at the very least

/mud squeezing up through those holes would have to be a weird feeling
 
2014-04-29 11:23:22 AM  
Jesus allegedly wore the same shoes that were fashionable throughout the area where he lived.

So, maybe he'll come back in light-up high tops or uggs or crocs or whatever the hell the whippersnappers these days are into.
 
2014-04-29 11:23:23 AM  
"Jesus Tribute Acts"
**Peals of loud and raucous laughter**
 
2014-04-29 11:32:07 AM  
www.standbyformindcontrol.com
 
2014-04-29 11:33:19 AM  
 
2014-04-29 11:36:14 AM  

Relatively Obscure: Jesus allegedly wore the same shoes that were fashionable throughout the area where he lived.

So, maybe he'll come back in light-up high tops or uggs or crocs or whatever the hell the whippersnappers these days are into.


According to the guy who wrote the script for the Noah movie.  They wore Uggs before Jesus was born. so I doubt he'd wear them.  They're too old fashioned.
 
2014-04-29 11:37:10 AM  
I expect it's the same reason I won't see Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny in my lifetime.
 
2014-04-29 11:40:39 AM  

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves: I expect it's the same reason I won't see Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny in my lifetime.


Silence unbeliever. And go sit in Santa's lap so he can mark another elf off his target list
 
2014-04-29 11:41:20 AM  
Ok ruggers let's get it started.

Jesus can't play rugby because....

His dad will fix the game!

Jesus saves
 
2014-04-29 11:43:36 AM  

Relatively Obscure: It comes on the back of a visit by some very persuasive religious group hustlers who banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue wagging telling me, 'Jesus is coming'.

I've had some door-to-door Jesus salesmen in my time, but other than being an inconvenience they were always relatively nice.  I've never in my life been approached by anyone with fierce finger and tongue wagging.  I wonder what the hell group comes to this guy's house.


As ignorant and bigoted as the man sounds they probably told him to "have a blessed day" and he took offense to it. Was this list supposed to be funny, obnoxious or both?
 
2014-04-29 11:45:03 AM  

Facetious_Speciest: Fano

The door to door people never give you the hellfire Fred Phelps treatment.

They're not supposed to, but you can lead them into it pretty easily. Last time I had JWs come by, they ended up saying that unsaved children (innocents, obviously) were essentially cockroaches, not to be mourned when the end comes.

/not kidding
//cockroaches


To be fair I find that most children, saved or not, to be cockroaches.
 
2014-04-29 11:45:05 AM  
"I printed these 11 reasons out and popped them through the door of my local church."

So.... You're a jerk too?
 
2014-04-29 11:46:23 AM  
He can't use those air driers in the restroom because they make his hand holes whistle.
 
2014-04-29 11:46:50 AM  
10. It's that beard! Jesus' beard just isn't cutting it anymore; what with all those neatly-trimmed second-rated footballer's goatees on show. Okay, his beard is not that bad but he's stuck in the middle of a Kenny Rodgers and that guy we all know who lives under a bridge. I'm not sure how adventurous Jesus is but does he have the courage to go Catweazle? Nah, I didn't think so.

He'd just get it trimmed up like James Harden. Speaking of which, has anyone seen his father before?


encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com
 
2014-04-29 11:47:14 AM  
Lee451

To be fair I find that most children, saved or not, to be cockroaches.

Well, yes, but not on theological grounds.
 
2014-04-29 11:47:52 AM  

Lee451: Facetious_Speciest: Fano

The door to door people never give you the hellfire Fred Phelps treatment.

They're not supposed to, but you can lead them into it pretty easily. Last time I had JWs come by, they ended up saying that unsaved children (innocents, obviously) were essentially cockroaches, not to be mourned when the end comes.

/not kidding
//cockroaches

To be fair I find that most children, saved or not, to be cockroaches.



A cat lady, huh?
 
2014-04-29 11:54:12 AM  
I get sick of the general "all atheists are assholes" remarks that pop up everytime an article like this appears. Except for this time. That article was obnoxious. What an asshole.
 
2014-04-29 11:55:28 AM  
It's pretty simple really. Politely say "I'm not interested" and close the door before they have a chance to respond.
Not only will they leave, I've never had a particular group return after doing so.
 
2014-04-29 11:59:49 AM  

Devil's Playground: It's pretty simple really. Politely say "I'm not interested" and close the door before they have a chance to respond.
Not only will they leave, I've never had a particular group return after doing so.


www.lamebook.com
 
2014-04-29 12:00:52 PM  

GameSprocket: [www.standbyformindcontrol.com image 850x477]


Damn you for making me laugh
 
2014-04-29 12:02:03 PM  
i57.tinypic.com
 
2014-04-29 12:05:00 PM  
There is an element of truth to this. His homless appearance and bloddy hands and feet would not gain him entry into any megachurch.
 
2014-04-29 12:05:17 PM  
There is another option.  I got a call from a guy names Lance who helped turn my life around.

Hello,
This is Lance from the Custom Faith Foundation, are you happy with your current faith and or belief system?  Before you answer that, let me ask you a question.  How would you like to be a part of a religion which was custom made for you pre-conceived notions of reality and with none of the shame and guilt of many main stream religions?  How much would you expect to pay for something like that? 7%, 10%, maybe even 15% of your annual income?  What would you say if I told you I could provide you with your very own Custom Faith Religion of Choice Worship Package for less than 3% of your annual income? Don't answer yet, because with that package, you will also receive a custom made shrine, alter, pendulum or plaque, which will symbolize the central theme of your personal faith system.  Before you respond, let me ask you, are you tired of people questioning your belief system and having no good response to their criticisms?  We will also provide you with an air-tight set of custom modified responses, packed full of circular reasoning and arguments from authority.  The more of your religion has to be taken on faith, the stronger the faith of those who accept it.  Why bother with a belief system that leaves you feeling guilty and depressed, switch to your new Custom Faith Religion of Choice Worship Packageand take back control of your life.
 
2014-04-29 12:07:35 PM  

scottydoesntknow: Relatively Obscure: It comes on the back of a visit by some very persuasive religious group hustlers who banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue wagging telling me, 'Jesus is coming'.

I've had some door-to-door Jesus salesmen in my time, but other than being an inconvenience they were always relatively nice.  I've never in my life been approached by anyone with fierce finger and tongue wagging.  I wonder what the hell group comes to this guy's house.

Personally I think he made it up as a lame excuse to write this. Maybe if he didn't come off as a smarmy douche I would've believed it.


could be it did happen the the "author" is just a smarmy douche
 
2014-04-29 12:14:26 PM  
I love Jesus.  I talk to him every day.  He's my gardner.

//obligatory.
 
2014-04-29 12:14:54 PM  
I was hiking deep in the desert one day and I came upon a briskly flowing river. As I filled my bottles I saw a man walking across the turbulent water. I stood and met the man as he stepped on the bank, and I asked him "are you Jesus, son of God?" And he replied "No, I'm Jesus, son of Hector. Everyone in Mexico learns to walk on water, how you think so many of us get over the border?"
 
2014-04-29 12:18:55 PM  
I had a pleasant conversation with some nice Jehovah's Witness kids who approached me while doing yard work.
We talked about music-Prince, Michael Jackson, The Beatles, etc.
after a few minutes they said they could see I was busy, apologized for interrupting me and went their way.
So meh, didn't bother me in any way.
 
2014-04-29 12:20:24 PM  

Charlie Chingas: How does something that never existed come back?


I thought conventional wisdom was that this person did indeed walk the earth. Whether he was all that some say he was is open for interpretation. But there was a person named Jesus walking around in that era.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Historicity_of_Jesus

Just what I've read, I'm not a scholar in this matter. I linked Wiki, but there are a lot of other sources.
 
2014-04-29 12:24:52 PM  
I recall reading that around the time Christianity was becoming widely adopted in the Roman empire there was widespread belief that the return of Jesus was imminent. Kind of puts things in perspective.
 
2014-04-29 12:25:15 PM  

Relatively Obscure: It comes on the back of a visit by some very persuasive religious group hustlers who banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue wagging telling me, 'Jesus is coming'.

I've had some door-to-door Jesus salesmen in my time, but other than being an inconvenience they were always relatively nice.  I've never in my life been approached by anyone with fierce finger and tongue wagging.  I wonder what the hell group comes to this guy's house.


The majority of my experiences are good, but I've had a few go very sour.

The problem is I'm a Christian but follow a more liberal theology than most door-to-door evangelists are comfortable with. Sometimes I get people who are really unable to cope with the idea that my Christian beliefs are not the same as theirs, and that's when things can go bad.
 
2014-04-29 12:27:06 PM  

ChrisDe: But there was a person named Jesus walking around in that era.


It was as common a name as John or something is now.

Many of the stories in the bible attributed to Jesus are actually some other guy in Jewish writings. Can't remember the name at the moment.
 
2014-04-29 12:27:08 PM  

durbnpoisn: I love Jesus.  I talk to him every day.  He's my gardner.

//obligatory.


I see him every Wednesday!
 
2014-04-29 12:28:42 PM  
Hermione_Granger:  Flip flops are all the rage right now, even for guys.

They've been common in my neck of the woods for over 20 years. Even for guys.

You a Canukistani or something?
 
2014-04-29 12:29:10 PM  
Well, that was depressingly unfunny, but then what else would I expect from someone described as a "Glasgow-born comedian".
 
2014-04-29 12:31:34 PM  
J. Frank Parnell

It was as common a name as John or something is now.

Eh, no. It was actually rather exclusively found amongst Jews, who were an extreme global minority.

"John," I suppose ironically, is only as popular as it is (with forms in many different languages amongst many ethnic groups) because of Jesus.
 
2014-04-29 12:33:18 PM  
I saw Jesus a couple of times in the 70s.
 
2014-04-29 12:33:37 PM  

Barfmaker: The Mormons are even kind enough to send pretty young women.


Go on.....
 
2014-04-29 12:33:48 PM  

J. Frank Parnell: ChrisDe: But there was a person named Jesus walking around in that era.

It was as common a name as John or something is now.

Many of the stories in the bible attributed to Jesus are actually some other guy in Jewish writings. Can't remember the name at the moment.


It's still a common Latino name. But I think they're saying there was a "Jesus" Jesus, not just a Jesus Goldberg or a Jesus Weinstein.
 
2014-04-29 12:35:43 PM  
Jesus reappeared in the 1960s, and was beaten to death by riot cops.
 
2014-04-29 12:36:40 PM  

wingedkat: Relatively Obscure: It comes on the back of a visit by some very persuasive religious group hustlers who banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue wagging telling me, 'Jesus is coming'.

I've had some door-to-door Jesus salesmen in my time, but other than being an inconvenience they were always relatively nice.  I've never in my life been approached by anyone with fierce finger and tongue wagging.  I wonder what the hell group comes to this guy's house.

The majority of my experiences are good, but I've had a few go very sour.

The problem is I'm a Christian but follow a more liberal theology than most door-to-door evangelists are comfortable with. Sometimes I get people who are really unable to cope with the idea that my Christian beliefs are not the same as theirs, and that's when things can go bad.


I guess I just don't get into any really substantive discussions with them.  I smile, listen for a bit, take whatever book or pamphlet they have with a thank you, refuse anything else with a thank you and bail out. I don't think I've ever discussed my own beliefs during these encounters, so there's never really any place for them to find disagreement with 'em.
 
2014-04-29 12:39:07 PM  

Herr Flick's Revenge: I had a pleasant conversation with some nice Jehovah's Witness kids who approached me while doing yard work.
We talked about music-Prince, Michael Jackson, The Beatles, etc.
after a few minutes they said they could see I was busy, apologized for interrupting me and went their way.
So meh, didn't bother me in any way.



Prince - "Insatiable"

Greatest love making song ever.
 
2014-04-29 12:39:43 PM  
Try these on for size....

i.lesmads.de
 
2014-04-29 12:40:49 PM  

lindalouwho: I saw Jesus a couple of times in the 70s.


That was Joe Namath.
 
2014-04-29 12:41:26 PM  
Ooooh. So edgy, Huffington Post.
 
2014-04-29 12:43:10 PM  

Relatively Obscure: I smile, listen for a bit, take whatever book or pamphlet they have with a thank you, refuse anything else with a thank you and bail out.


I let my dog savagely bark at them through the screen door.

"Will he bite?"

"Only if I open the door."
 
2014-04-29 12:45:06 PM  
Relatively Obscure

I guess I just don't get into any really substantive discussions with them.

This is obviously the wisest course of action. I wish I could follow it more often. My wife was raised to believe it rude to shoo people away from the door, and I was raised to debate people who came to the door (seriously, my mother's father thought it the funniest thing in the world to pull a chair up to the door to debate evangelists, and passed this on to further generations as one of the great things about America). The compromise in my house is that if they don't leave after my wife politely declines (because even after declining interest, she simply can't shut the door in their face, as it's rude to her people), I debate them until they leave.

An unwise use of time, but entertaining.
 
2014-04-29 12:46:59 PM  

Charlie Chingas: How does something that never existed come back?


Schrodinger would like his cat back.
 
2014-04-29 12:47:35 PM  

DROxINxTHExWIND: lindalouwho: I saw Jesus a couple of times in the 70s.

That was Joe Namath.


Who else gets better looking every day?
 
2014-04-29 12:51:44 PM  
Then there's the Mediocrity Principle. Seeing as he went out for smokes 2,000 years ago, and we can't assume that this time is special or privileged or unusual in any way, it's likely he won't be back for another 2,000 years. Also, the world population is still growing and will probably grow until mid-century or possibly even for another century. That means that a couple of billion people remain to be born before we reach Peak Souls. God can magnify his glory and mercies by letting all those people be born and have a shot at salvation and perpetual bliss and why wouldn't He?

In short, it is far more likely that Jesus will return when I am well over a hundred years old than that he will return today.

Which is just as well as I have started my taxes yet. I still have to render unto Caesar.

Many Christians believe that there will be a seven year period of natural and devil-made disasters before He returns. This is called the Tribulations. Some believe that his return will be preceded by a 1,000 year reign of the Devil. There is disagreement on when this Reign of Error may have started or will yet start. Yet others believe that the return of Jesus will be followed by a 1,000 year Reich of Jesus the King, and that this will be followed by the Tribulations and then Judgement.

So even if you are a True Believer, there is a good chance you won't see Jesus in your lifetime because you will die int he Tribulations or not lived through the Reign of Satan.

But you will see him again on Judgment Day, so you have that to look forward to if you are a Christian in good standing.

So Science and Religion agree for once:  your chances of seeing the Lord are pretty damn slim.

Besides, the Bible says that all eyes shall see His Coming (on a white horse, or a throne, or a white horse standing on a throne, or prossibly a throne on a white horse). Since not everybody has TV or Internet, that's unlikely to happen until the Internet is much bigger and faster, otherwise His Coming will crash the Internet before a lot of people get a chance of seeing HImself.
 
2014-04-29 12:53:08 PM  
?  I just had Jesus mow my lawn the other day.
 
2014-04-29 12:54:42 PM  
This time it won't be Jesus, it will be the anti-Christ.

Not "anti" as in, "against", but more like "opposite".

The anti-Christ will appear to say, "The apocalypse is always with you, as every day is a revelation. You have been given numerous texts full of wisdom; your literature and cultures are full of excellent examples of paths to enlightenment and how to treat each other and this world as precious gifts. This time you must save yourselves. Farewell".

Then he will vanish.
 
2014-04-29 12:55:05 PM  
Jesus was a Capricorn. He ate organic food. He believed in love and peace and never wore no shoes. Long hair, beard, sandles, and a funky bunch of friends, I reckon they'd just nail him up if he comes down again.
 
2014-04-29 12:55:35 PM  

Facetious_Speciest: Relatively Obscure

I guess I just don't get into any really substantive discussions with them.

This is obviously the wisest course of action. I wish I could follow it more often. My wife was raised to believe it rude to shoo people away from the door, and I was raised to debate people who came to the door (seriously, my mother's father thought it the funniest thing in the world to pull a chair up to the door to debate evangelists, and passed this on to further generations as one of the great things about America). The compromise in my house is that if they don't leave after my wife politely declines (because even after declining interest, she simply can't shut the door in their face, as it's rude to her people), I debate them until they leave.

An unwise use of time, but entertaining.


My dad was raised Catholic (and practiced, though not so much these days that I can tell).  He once offered to an individual meeting (or whatever they call their recruitment efforts) with some Jehovah's Witnesses if they'd come to his church and meet with the priest. Sounds polite and fair to me. I'm told they didn't agree and didn't return.
 
2014-04-29 01:01:28 PM  
It's been some time, but I have had some aggressive, fear-tactic using Jesus peddlers come to my door on more than one occasion. Nowadays I don't really give them a chance. As soon as I realize what's up, I say "not interested" and close the door, cutting off their spiel.
 
2014-04-29 01:08:10 PM  
1. Because he never lived, and therefore never died.
2. Because the believers of the early church never saw him (due to point #1), and thus were told he was coming back. They appeared to believe his return was eminent.
3. Because even it were true, Jesus said he wouldn't return until the gospel had been preached to every corner of the Earth.
4. Depending upon your interpretation of point 4, his return is either yet to come when we stop discovering primitive peoples in places like the Amazon or Papua New Guinea or isn't going to happen because we now know that the Earth is round and doesn't have corners.
5. Because most of the popular ideas about Jesus returning -- the Rapture, the Tribulation, etc -- are rather recent theological inventions from the late 19th century.
6. Because the book of Revelation is clearly talking about the destruction of the Roman empire and not the modern world (which is known in theology as the "preterist" viewpoint).

Should I keep going, or are those enough?
 
2014-04-29 01:23:02 PM  
He can't hit a curveball either.
 
2014-04-29 01:38:23 PM  

secularsage: 1. Because he never lived, and therefore never died.
2. Because the believers of the early church never saw him (due to point #1), and thus were told he was coming back. They appeared to believe his return was eminent.
3. Because even it were true, Jesus said he wouldn't return until the gospel had been preached to every corner of the Earth.
4. Depending upon your interpretation of point 4, his return is either yet to come when we stop discovering primitive peoples in places like the Amazon or Papua New Guinea or isn't going to happen because we now know that the Earth is round and doesn't have corners.
5. Because most of the popular ideas about Jesus returning -- the Rapture, the Tribulation, etc -- are rather recent theological inventions from the late 19th century.
6. Because the book of Revelation is clearly talking about the destruction of the Roman empire and not the modern world (which is known in theology as the "preterist" viewpoint).

Should I keep going, or are those enough?


You could've just told us you were athiest/agnostic/another faith.
 
2014-04-29 01:43:41 PM  

secularsage: 1. Because he never lived, and therefore never died.
2. Because the believers of the early church never saw him (due to point #1), and thus were told he was coming back. They appeared to believe his return was eminent.
3. Because even it were true, Jesus said he wouldn't return until the gospel had been preached to every corner of the Earth.
4. Depending upon your interpretation of point 4, his return is either yet to come when we stop discovering primitive peoples in places like the Amazon or Papua New Guinea or isn't going to happen because we now know that the Earth is round and doesn't have corners.
5. Because most of the popular ideas about Jesus returning -- the Rapture, the Tribulation, etc -- are rather recent theological inventions from the late 19th century.
6. Because the book of Revelation is clearly talking about the destruction of the Roman empire and not the modern world (which is known in theology as the "preterist" viewpoint).

Should I keep going, or are those enough?


As pointed out upthread, the man Jesus did exist. It's the question of his true parentage that is up for debate.

/Also not a scholar
 
2014-04-29 01:46:11 PM  

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves: I expect it's the same reason I won't see Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny in my lifetime.


Jesus Christ, a man-hating lesbian, Santa Claus, and a well adjusted homosexual woman all come up to a four way stop.....
 
2014-04-29 01:50:26 PM  

DarthBart: The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves: I expect it's the same reason I won't see Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny in my lifetime.

Jesus Christ, a man-hating lesbian, Santa Claus, and a well adjusted homosexual woman all come up to a four way stop.....


That's a difficult one. Jesus would probably have the right-of-way as Santa Claus would just fly over, and we both know the lesbian and homosexual can't go straight.
 
2014-04-29 02:18:53 PM  
I told the priest, don't count on any second coming

God got his ass kicked the first time he came down here slumming

He had the balls to come, the gall to die and then forgive us

No I don't wonder why, I wonder what he thought it would get us
 
2014-04-29 02:31:23 PM  

Relatively Obscure: It comes on the back of a visit by some very persuasive religious group hustlers who banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue wagging telling me, 'Jesus is coming'.

I've had some door-to-door Jesus salesmen in my time, but other than being an inconvenience they were always relatively nice.  I've never in my life been approached by anyone with fierce finger and tongue wagging.  I wonder what the hell group comes to this guy's house.


They were probably two magazine subscriptions away from the bonus trip to Hawai'i.
 
2014-04-29 02:33:15 PM  

give me doughnuts: InterruptingQuirk: [www.radioislam.org image 289x578]

He'd be a rabbi. Same as last time.


He wasn't a rabbi.  He was a carpenter.
 
2014-04-29 02:35:26 PM  

dk47: Jesus saves


And Abdul-Jabbar scores on the inbounds pass!!
 
2014-04-29 03:07:40 PM  

MooseBayou: give me doughnuts: InterruptingQuirk: [www.radioislam.org image 289x578]

He'd be a rabbi. Same as last time.

He wasn't a rabbi.  He was a carpenter.


His dad was a carpenter. He was just a member of 'Occupy Temple'.
 
2014-04-29 03:15:43 PM  
I have it on good authority that the Jesus is a Totalfarker. The downtrodden liters can still be forgiven for not tithing their monthly $5 to the Church of Farkology.
 
2014-04-29 03:24:45 PM  
I thought he already came back.
static.fjcdn.com
 
2014-04-29 03:43:32 PM  
i.imgur.com
 
2014-04-29 03:56:03 PM  
Look, I hate Jesus as much as the next guy, but that list just sucked.
 
2014-04-29 04:33:49 PM  
ts3.mm.bing.net

He'd just be misunderstood again. He should probably keep to a low profile still.
 
2014-04-29 05:57:25 PM  

hogans: [ts3.mm.bing.net image 300x156]

He'd just be misunderstood again. He should probably keep to a low profile still.


That was a great movie. Ending brought the waterworks out.
 
2014-04-30 01:28:03 AM  
Weird. It says "comedy" but it wasn't even a little bit funny.

I'm not a christian. And you're not funny.
 
2014-04-30 08:27:40 AM  

Wasilla Hillbilly: It's been some time, but I have had some aggressive, fear-tactic using Jesus peddlers come to my door on more than one occasion. Nowadays I don't really give them a chance. As soon as I realize what's up, I say "not interested" and close the door, cutting off their spiel.


What. No slow dance strip tease?  what is society coming to these days
 
2014-04-30 08:28:43 AM  

secularsage: 1. Because he never lived, and therefore never died.
2. Because the believers of the early church never saw him (due to point #1), and thus were told he was coming back. They appeared to believe his return was eminent.
3. Because even it were true, Jesus said he wouldn't return until the gospel had been preached to every corner of the Earth.
4. Depending upon your interpretation of point 4, his return is either yet to come when we stop discovering primitive peoples in places like the Amazon or Papua New Guinea or isn't going to happen because we now know that the Earth is round and doesn't have corners.
5. Because most of the popular ideas about Jesus returning -- the Rapture, the Tribulation, etc -- are rather recent theological inventions from the late 19th century.
6. Because the book of Revelation is clearly talking about the destruction of the Roman empire and not the modern world (which is known in theology as the "preterist" viewpoint).

Should I keep going, or are those enough?


No.. the article was more interesting in it's view on society as Jesus was mentioned in various points. It's a very jaded view.
 
2014-04-30 08:31:43 AM  

MooseBayou: give me doughnuts: InterruptingQuirk: [www.radioislam.org image 289x578]

He'd be a rabbi. Same as last time.

He wasn't a rabbi.  He was a carpenter.


google search: Original hebrew title for a teacher- Rabbi.  Not licensed, just known as a teacher by people. And therefore was called Rabbi.  It didn't matter that he was a carpenter while growing up.  Somewhere along the way a Rabbi became a licensed by the leadership title.
 
2014-04-30 08:33:31 AM  

cwolf20: MooseBayou: give me doughnuts: InterruptingQuirk: [www.radioislam.org image 289x578]

He'd be a rabbi. Same as last time.

He wasn't a rabbi.  He was a carpenter.

google search: Original hebrew title for a teacher- Rabbi.  Not licensed, just known as a teacher by people. And therefore was called Rabbi.  It didn't matter that he was a carpenter while growing up.  Somewhere along the way a Rabbi became a licensed by the leadership title.


Either that or I'm simply waking up from allergy reactions to pollen and the monitor is smiling at me and offering a beer. What did I do?
 
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