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(Huffington Post UK)   Eleven more reasons why you will never see Jesus in your lifetime. For one he'd have to wear shoes just to get inside most places and he doesn't do shoes   (huffingtonpost.co.uk) divider line 109
    More: Amusing, Jesus Christ, David Copperfield, Little Britain, David Blaine, Dare I Say  
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4087 clicks; posted to Main » on 29 Apr 2014 at 10:49 AM (34 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



109 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2014-04-29 09:04:04 AM  
1. He's dead.
 
2014-04-29 09:23:31 AM  
1. The Lord your God is One.

/first commandment and all
 
2014-04-29 09:26:30 AM  

Delta1212: 1. He's dead.


Actually that's reason 11.

/You use that 'amusing' tag pretty liberally, huh subby
 
2014-04-29 09:35:02 AM  
It comes on the back of a visit by some very persuasive religious group hustlers who banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue wagging telling me, 'Jesus is coming'.

I've had some door-to-door Jesus salesmen in my time, but other than being an inconvenience they were always relatively nice.  I've never in my life been approached by anyone with fierce finger and tongue wagging.  I wonder what the hell group comes to this guy's house.
 
2014-04-29 09:49:34 AM  

Relatively Obscure: It comes on the back of a visit by some very persuasive religious group hustlers who banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue wagging telling me, 'Jesus is coming'.

I've had some door-to-door Jesus salesmen in my time, but other than being an inconvenience they were always relatively nice.  I've never in my life been approached by anyone with fierce finger and tongue wagging.  I wonder what the hell group comes to this guy's house.


Personally I think he made it up as a lame excuse to write this. Maybe if he didn't come off as a smarmy douche I would've believed it.
 
2014-04-29 09:52:46 AM  

scottydoesntknow: Relatively Obscure: It comes on the back of a visit by some very persuasive religious group hustlers who banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue wagging telling me, 'Jesus is coming'.

I've had some door-to-door Jesus salesmen in my time, but other than being an inconvenience they were always relatively nice.  I've never in my life been approached by anyone with fierce finger and tongue wagging.  I wonder what the hell group comes to this guy's house.

Personally I think he made it up as a lame excuse to write this. Maybe if he didn't come off as a smarmy douche I would've believed it.


"That's a thing that happens, right? Who's to say it couldn't have happened to me?"
 
2014-04-29 09:58:33 AM  

Relatively Obscure: It comes on the back of a visit by some very persuasive religious group hustlers who banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue wagging telling me, 'Jesus is coming'.

I've had some door-to-door Jesus salesmen in my time, but other than being an inconvenience they were always relatively nice.  I've never in my life been approached by anyone with fierce finger and tongue wagging.  I wonder what the hell group comes to this guy's house.


Yeah they've always been the nicest in my experience. The Mormons are even kind enough to send pretty young women.

The most aggressive and unpleasant are the natural gas/hot water tank scammers, they actually get angry when you say no. It happens so consistently and no matter how nice you are that I think they're taught to do that.

One of them got so angry at a friend of mine that she ended up in tears and shaking.
 
2014-04-29 10:13:52 AM  
12. He's still fictional.
 
2014-04-29 10:22:57 AM  
Last I heard he was headed for New Orleans
 
2014-04-29 10:25:32 AM  
12. He can't find any true followers to appear to.
 
2014-04-29 10:36:04 AM  

MaudlinMutantMollusk: Last I heard he was headed for New Orleans


The Beast is 31 miles from New Marais
 
2014-04-29 10:46:21 AM  
www.radioislam.org
 
2014-04-29 10:54:05 AM  

InterruptingQuirk: [www.radioislam.org image 289x578]


Kinda deja vu there.
 
2014-04-29 10:54:50 AM  
That was not even close to being funny. We gots Farkers who are way more humoruser
 
2014-04-29 10:55:15 AM  

InterruptingQuirk: [www.radioislam.org image 289x578]


He'd be a rabbi. Same as last time.
 
2014-04-29 10:55:17 AM  
"Hey, there was some bearded Middle-Eastern dude outside talking about how the rich should give away all their stuff. He was giving out out free healthcare and turned a Filet-O-Fish into 5,000 Filet-O-Fishes...um, Filets-O-Fish? Filets-O-Fishes? Which one is it? Anyway, I called the cops and they hauled him away to turn over to INS. Probably on a slow boat to Gitmo."
 
2014-04-29 10:55:17 AM  

scottydoesntknow: Relatively Obscure: It comes on the back of a visit by some very persuasive religious group hustlers who banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue wagging telling me, 'Jesus is coming'.

I've had some door-to-door Jesus salesmen in my time, but other than being an inconvenience they were always relatively nice.  I've never in my life been approached by anyone with fierce finger and tongue wagging.  I wonder what the hell group comes to this guy's house.

Personally I think he made it up as a lame excuse to write this. Maybe if he didn't come off as a smarmy douche I would've believed it.


I also vote for Dear Prudence level made up. Usually the worst they do is bring along some sad little girl to sing or quote gospel to make you feel bad for not donating. The door to door people never give you the hellfire Fred Phelps treatment.
 
2014-04-29 10:55:54 AM  

Schmerd1948: That was not even close to being funny. We gots Farkers who are way more humoruser


Spent miles can spin a yarn about a traveling preacher I'd love to hear
 
2014-04-29 10:56:33 AM  
"If Obama had a son....

www.thegatewaypundit.com
 
2014-04-29 10:58:29 AM  
Same reason I'll never see the Easter Bunny?
 
2014-04-29 10:58:47 AM  
12. He read this "article" and decided humanity is not worth saving.

It's not even humorous on a subject that lends itself to plenty of funny. Is it just to get a religion thread going? Has there not been one in a while so maybe people's positions have changed?
 
2014-04-29 11:02:18 AM  
scottydoesntknow:

/You use that 'amusing' tag pretty liberally, huh subby

For real.  I want my 3 minutes back.  WITH INTEREST.
 
2014-04-29 11:02:28 AM  
Fano

The door to door people never give you the hellfire Fred Phelps treatment.

They're not supposed to, but you can lead them into it pretty easily. Last time I had JWs come by, they ended up saying that unsaved children (innocents, obviously) were essentially cockroaches, not to be mourned when the end comes.

/not kidding
//cockroaches
 
2014-04-29 11:10:59 AM  

Facetious_Speciest: Fano

The door to door people never give you the hellfire Fred Phelps treatment.

They're not supposed to, but you can lead them into it pretty easily. Last time I had JWs come by, they ended up saying that unsaved children (innocents, obviously) were essentially cockroaches, not to be mourned when the end comes.

/not kidding
//cockroaches


It's also pretty easy for someone who already strongly dislikes a group like the Jesus salesmen to remember/characterize them in the worst possible light.  Then again, maybe it really happened as written.

I just know that I've had my door knocked on or have been approached a bunch of times.  They were polite and relatively friendly, and I was polite and relatively friendly back.  I'd accept any literature, but refuse any other offers, and we'd all part ways with smiles and I'd go on about my heathen business with nothing more than a mildly irksome delay and maybe some extra papers to peruse in the shiatter or recycle at my leisure.
 
2014-04-29 11:12:46 AM  
No dinosaurs to ride.
 
2014-04-29 11:13:23 AM  
Um what, I googled "Jesus walking" and I would say about 90% of pictures portray Him wearing shoes.

so, yeah, he does sandals, snarkynotfunnywriterguy.
 
2014-04-29 11:13:48 AM  
How does something that never existed come back?
 
2014-04-29 11:14:04 AM  

Delta1212: 1. He's dead.


*raises eyebrow* can't read a comedy article eh?
 
2014-04-29 11:14:55 AM  

Charlie Chingas: How does something that never existed come back?


How does parody comedy get written in a humor section article
 
2014-04-29 11:15:43 AM  

Charlie Chingas: How does something that never existed come back?


I dunno, but I bet if you asked Michio Kaku he could come up with something.
 
2014-04-29 11:16:01 AM  

cwolf20: Delta1212: 1. He's dead.

*raises eyebrow* can't read a comedy article eh?


I read the article, have yet to find any comedy.
 
2014-04-29 11:16:57 AM  
No shoes, no shirt, no Jesus?

He did wear sandals didn't he though? Flip flops are all the rage right now, even for guys.
 
2014-04-29 11:17:29 AM  
to my recollection, that is the first time I have seen the writer responding to people in the comments section. That was kind of weird to see.
 
2014-04-29 11:19:18 AM  
You'd think he'd want to wear sandals, at the very least

/mud squeezing up through those holes would have to be a weird feeling
 
2014-04-29 11:23:22 AM  
Jesus allegedly wore the same shoes that were fashionable throughout the area where he lived.

So, maybe he'll come back in light-up high tops or uggs or crocs or whatever the hell the whippersnappers these days are into.
 
2014-04-29 11:23:23 AM  
"Jesus Tribute Acts"
**Peals of loud and raucous laughter**
 
2014-04-29 11:32:07 AM  
www.standbyformindcontrol.com
 
2014-04-29 11:33:19 AM  
 
2014-04-29 11:36:14 AM  

Relatively Obscure: Jesus allegedly wore the same shoes that were fashionable throughout the area where he lived.

So, maybe he'll come back in light-up high tops or uggs or crocs or whatever the hell the whippersnappers these days are into.


According to the guy who wrote the script for the Noah movie.  They wore Uggs before Jesus was born. so I doubt he'd wear them.  They're too old fashioned.
 
2014-04-29 11:37:10 AM  
I expect it's the same reason I won't see Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny in my lifetime.
 
2014-04-29 11:40:39 AM  

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves: I expect it's the same reason I won't see Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny in my lifetime.


Silence unbeliever. And go sit in Santa's lap so he can mark another elf off his target list
 
2014-04-29 11:41:20 AM  
Ok ruggers let's get it started.

Jesus can't play rugby because....

His dad will fix the game!

Jesus saves
 
2014-04-29 11:43:36 AM  

Relatively Obscure: It comes on the back of a visit by some very persuasive religious group hustlers who banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue wagging telling me, 'Jesus is coming'.

I've had some door-to-door Jesus salesmen in my time, but other than being an inconvenience they were always relatively nice.  I've never in my life been approached by anyone with fierce finger and tongue wagging.  I wonder what the hell group comes to this guy's house.


As ignorant and bigoted as the man sounds they probably told him to "have a blessed day" and he took offense to it. Was this list supposed to be funny, obnoxious or both?
 
2014-04-29 11:45:03 AM  

Facetious_Speciest: Fano

The door to door people never give you the hellfire Fred Phelps treatment.

They're not supposed to, but you can lead them into it pretty easily. Last time I had JWs come by, they ended up saying that unsaved children (innocents, obviously) were essentially cockroaches, not to be mourned when the end comes.

/not kidding
//cockroaches


To be fair I find that most children, saved or not, to be cockroaches.
 
2014-04-29 11:45:05 AM  
"I printed these 11 reasons out and popped them through the door of my local church."

So.... You're a jerk too?
 
2014-04-29 11:46:23 AM  
He can't use those air driers in the restroom because they make his hand holes whistle.
 
2014-04-29 11:46:50 AM  
10. It's that beard! Jesus' beard just isn't cutting it anymore; what with all those neatly-trimmed second-rated footballer's goatees on show. Okay, his beard is not that bad but he's stuck in the middle of a Kenny Rodgers and that guy we all know who lives under a bridge. I'm not sure how adventurous Jesus is but does he have the courage to go Catweazle? Nah, I didn't think so.

He'd just get it trimmed up like James Harden. Speaking of which, has anyone seen his father before?


encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com
 
2014-04-29 11:47:14 AM  
Lee451

To be fair I find that most children, saved or not, to be cockroaches.

Well, yes, but not on theological grounds.
 
2014-04-29 11:47:52 AM  

Lee451: Facetious_Speciest: Fano

The door to door people never give you the hellfire Fred Phelps treatment.

They're not supposed to, but you can lead them into it pretty easily. Last time I had JWs come by, they ended up saying that unsaved children (innocents, obviously) were essentially cockroaches, not to be mourned when the end comes.

/not kidding
//cockroaches

To be fair I find that most children, saved or not, to be cockroaches.



A cat lady, huh?
 
2014-04-29 11:54:12 AM  
I get sick of the general "all atheists are assholes" remarks that pop up everytime an article like this appears. Except for this time. That article was obnoxious. What an asshole.
 
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