Do you have adblock enabled?
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(PennLive)   This woman just celebrated her 105th birthday. So what is her secret to a long life? Eat tomato soup every day and don't dwell on the small stuff. Subby will stock up on Campbell's Tomato Soup now   (pennlive.com) divider line 8
    More: Spiffy, tomato soup, soup every day, tomatoes, celebrations, soups, lessons, Market Square  
•       •       •

1925 clicks; posted to Main » on 28 Apr 2014 at 1:35 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2014-04-28 02:11:15 AM  
3 votes:
"fark a lotta women"

thumbnails.hulu.com
2014-04-28 02:07:57 AM  
2 votes:
114-Year-Old Attributes Longevity to Sheer Random Chance

MILFORD, WY-Mayor Hammond Forsythe officially declared Monday "Hazel McCreeley Day," and why not? After all, if you'd lived through over 41,500 of them, wouldn't you deserve one too?

With pomp, circumstance and cake, the oldest living American celebrated the start of the 14th year of her second century of life here amid her friends at the Milford Nursing Home. But make no mistake-old age does not mean old heart!

"What a crock of shiat," re-marked the feisty McCreeley, playfully feigning both inability and unwillingness to blow out even one of her 114 candles. "What a flaming crock of shiat this whole day is... For the love of Jesus, honor somebody accomplishing something, not someone whose body is spiting its mind by staying alive."

Asked for the secret to her long life, the perky, silver-coifed McCreeley quipped: "Dumb luck. Do any of you have even a rudimentary understanding of probability? Extrapolate the bell curve of life expectancy for a quarter of a billion people and see for your goddamn selves." The frisky matriarch continued. "By probabilistic rights, somebody in America ought to be 119. Only one person being 114 years old is an incredible statistical deviation."

"Great, I pissed in my diaper again," wise-cracked the chipper McCreeley, who still has the sense of humor she inherited from her mother, the wife of a pioneer rancher who gave birth to her only child, Hazel, on March 5, 1882, during the administration of Chester A. Arthur. She grew up during the tail-end of the legendary Old West period, graduated high school when Teddy Roosevelt was president, turned 51 one day after the first inauguration of his relative Franklin, and was eligible for Medicare by 18 years when it was first created!

Thinking of those times, McCreeley wistfully recalls them as "a total goddamn blur... Everything before this morning is a brain-fart for me."

The bouncy centedecarian has lived in Milford all her life, spending 53 years running the general store which she founded with her husband, Herb. Herb died in 1958 at the age of 79. She has three children, five grandchildren, 11 great-grandchildren and 16 great-great-grandchildren.

"Buried most of 'em," the peppy McCreeley noted. "My body is a drooping heap of grief-flesh."

Asked if her family has a history of longevity, the still-sharp McCreeley riposted, "Christ, the usual rigmarole. All right: My parents did not have long lives, I don't drink a daily shot of brandy, I don't exercise regularly, and the clean mountain air makes no difference. I've lived in a climate-controlled nursing home for 34 years. Talk to a goddamn actuary, alright? I'm just the randomly-chosen outermost tentacle of the billion-legged beast that is suffering through time. Any other brilliant theories, farkos?"
2014-04-28 01:38:34 AM  
2 votes:
Don't sweat the petty stuff. And don't pet the sweaty stuff.
2014-04-28 12:13:50 AM  
2 votes:
I mean Campbell's soup, not old people.
2014-04-28 05:43:32 AM  
1 votes:
Just remember to store your immense amount of tomato soup carefully...
i61.tinypic.com
2014-04-28 02:18:48 AM  
1 votes:
My Mom has a print of a painting called "Grace", by Enstrom, hanging in her kitchen. She's had this painting since my earliest memories, and it's always hung in her kitchen or dining room.

If you look it up, it's an older man sitting at the table with a bowl of soup and a chunk of bread.

I used to look at that weathered face, apparently serious in prayer, and put myself in his head. I'd try to imagine what he was thinking during that moment of reverence...

"farking tomato soup  again?"

I think I was an atheist before I ever realized it.
2014-04-28 01:58:34 AM  
1 votes:
But regular cans of Cambell's tomato soup are too small to dwell on. You need to think bigger.

claudedillyadventures.files.wordpress.com
2014-04-28 01:57:27 AM  
1 votes:
Oblig...thanks Andy! dnrta
fourseasonsathomeblog.com
 
Displayed 8 of 8 comments

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
Advertisement
On Twitter





In Other Media


  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report