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(Cracked)   Reporter hires hooker. Takes her out to dinner, goes dancing, and barely even makes out with her before parting ways. You're doing it wrong, John   (cracked.com) divider line 57
    More: Interesting, sex slavery, Women's rights in Asia, Mexican Drug Cartel, dancing, dinner  
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11170 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Apr 2014 at 6:17 PM (20 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



57 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2014-04-27 03:38:40 PM
It turns him on, don't get me wrong.
 
2014-04-27 05:07:45 PM
Well he could be lying. But, she said he was more fun than most probably because he wasn't waiting for the sex.
 
2014-04-27 05:53:36 PM
What is this ass clapping he speak of?
 
2014-04-27 06:21:42 PM
Anyone in the world anywhere in the world can write for Cracked, good or bad in every sense, that does not make them "reporters," subby.

Haha duya cheerleaders are like hookers.. uhh dyaha!  (ok heh'd a bit at that image)

/cracked ia better than that
 
2014-04-27 06:23:34 PM
I feel like a whore after reading that.
 
2014-04-27 06:24:17 PM
Probably got a "hooker" mistaking her for an "escort." Not the same thing FYI.
 
2014-04-27 06:24:35 PM
I said hello and for no good reason immediately followed this by saying I did not want to have sex. Literally, she said hello and I said,"Hi. I don't want to have sex."

I explained to her that I wanted to spend time with her, but just like a date. I wanted to pay her to go out with me, have dinner, and chat. I should have started with that.

 We settled on a time and a place and ended our conversation. I had just solicited a prostitute. My family would be proud, if they weren't worse people than me already.


quizzical dog
inigo montoya
stopped reading
 
2014-04-27 06:25:32 PM
This dude is a real Hunter S. Thompson isn't he?
 
2014-04-27 06:25:42 PM
I wonder which is more degrading? Spending over $1,000 on a prostitute and not getting laid, or writing for Cracked.com and admitting it?
 
2014-04-27 06:25:57 PM
$1200 + dinner? He could have just checked Zoosk
 
2014-04-27 06:27:45 PM

RoyBatty: This dude is a real Hunter S. Thompson isn't he?


Maybe he should shoot himself.

/sorry :>(
 
2014-04-27 06:31:34 PM
Was this an Onion article?
 
2014-04-27 06:31:38 PM
Article got way too preachy so I gave up on it.
 
2014-04-27 06:32:14 PM
I suppose we should establish now my ethics on this matter, because surely some will disagree -- I am not against prostitution. Exploitation? Absolutely -- fark that shiat right in its ear.

That costs extra, though.
 
2014-04-27 06:37:15 PM
Didn't click the link.  Was it a short story, stretched out by clip art, and spread over two pages to double up on advertising space?
 
2014-04-27 06:37:42 PM

fusillade762: What is this ass clapping he speak of?


Ass clap is a venereal disease of the anus, rectum, large intestine and, depending on who you catch it from, small intestine easily treated with antibiotics and Preparation H.
 
2014-04-27 06:39:19 PM
He should have at least gotten a handjob and seen some boobies.
 
2014-04-27 06:39:37 PM

Cpl.D: Didn't click the link.  Was it a short story, stretched out by clip art, and spread over two pages to double up on advertising space?


Yep.
 
2014-04-27 06:41:09 PM
It isn't a real 'girlfriend experience' without paying her to nag about leaving your laundry outside of the hamper.

/I hear
 
2014-04-27 06:42:14 PM

walktoanarcade: Anyone in the world anywhere in the world can write for Cracked, good or bad in every sense, that does not make them "reporters," subby.

Haha duya cheerleaders are like hookers.. uhh dyaha!  (ok heh'd a bit at that image)

/cracked ia better than that


Blogger/writer would still be more accurate than "reporter."

Felix is one of their pretty regular contributors though.
 
2014-04-27 06:42:43 PM
Something tells me this article was an impressive commitment to a lie.
 
2014-04-27 06:44:29 PM
Concept: A minus. Points taken off for lack of originality.

Execution: D minus. Points awarded because I actually believe the basic facts of the story may have occurred.

It pains me to say it, but Dan Savage* did a good job with this somewhat tired premise in his book  Skipping Towards Gomorrah. He hired a female escort, who pegged him as a gay man researching a book in ten seconds, then tracked down her escort boyfriend and hired him to jerk off while Savage licked his toes, or something to that effect.

It was the right blend between self-deprecating humor and actual reportage about what's going on with escorts. Whereas this guy is aiming for "LOL what a doofus I am" but hits "I cannot believe how sad I make myself."

* yes, I know, I know
 
2014-04-27 06:46:31 PM
Obviously this man has not been to Prague, Krakow, Budapest, nor Kiev; they knock on your door, pick you up in bars, and say hi to you at the front door of your hotel... or so I have been told. Why we have to defend Ukraine from ze bad Russkies... every farker needs to go on vacation over to eastern europe at least once in their lives!
 
2014-04-27 06:46:40 PM

fusillade762: What is this ass clapping he speak of?


i218.photobucket.com
 
2014-04-27 06:47:44 PM

Abox: Something tells me this article was an impressive commitment to a lie.


"Cracked writer finally can't sate himself with online pr0n, buckles under pressure and pays a skank to screw him, then cynically types out a "lolz I didn't fark he dough guize" screed, no news at 11."

Cracked writer: We know you banged a hooker. Good jorb, STD supporter.
 
2014-04-27 06:59:23 PM

ReverendJynxed: fusillade762: What is this ass clapping he speak of?

[i218.photobucket.com image 220x165]


28.media.tumblr.com
 
2014-04-27 07:01:30 PM

RoyBatty: This dude is a real Hunter S. Thompson isn't he?


I think he was going for an 'edgy Dave Barry' thing, but his getting nervous-hammered before the girl showed up kind of drifted it into pathetic.
 
2014-04-27 07:20:38 PM
This chick I vaguely know started "escorting", as distinct from hooking because there's a strict "no touching" rule while she has any clothes off.  So basically get paid to go on a date then masturbate in front of a guy.

It sounds dangerous as hell to me if the guy doesn't get the rule and thinks they're regular prostitutes and forces the issue.  But she said it beat the hell out of working tech support, so as long as she likes it I guess...

I kind of feel like, with the advent of the interwebs, if you want to take some girl out and spend a bunch of money while she pretends to be interested in you, you can score the same thing on okcupid much more cheaply.  Especially if you live near a college - offer a grad student a free meal, you can get 'em to do almost anything.
 
2014-04-27 07:21:47 PM
I've got a prostitute in my trunk. If she's still breathing and unable to provide details of what happened, I'll be happy to post a video interview.
 
2014-04-27 07:28:16 PM

Ryker's Peninsula: I wonder which is more degrading? Spending over $1,000 on a prostitute and not getting laid, or writing for Cracked.com and admitting it?


www.lolzhumor.com
 
2014-04-27 07:28:18 PM

RoyBatty: This dude is a real Hunter S. Thompson isn't he?


Upgrade to a full Spider Jerusalem and he would've closed the deal.
m1.paperblog.com
While high on drugs even he can't identify.
 
2014-04-27 07:37:47 PM
$1200 + dinner and he didn't get laid?
That is pathetic.
 
2014-04-27 07:50:52 PM
DNRTFA. Already saw the movie Pretty Woman years ago.
 
2014-04-27 08:06:34 PM

cyberspacedout: DNRTFA. Already saw the movie Pretty Woman years ago.


Except this guy doesn't have the money to sustain a relationship with the whore.  He's a Cracked blogger.
 
2014-04-27 08:09:01 PM

RoyBatty: I said hello and for no good reason immediately followed this by saying I did not want to have sex. Literally, she said hello and I said,"Hi. I don't want to have sex."

I explained to her that I wanted to spend time with her, but just like a date. I wanted to pay her to go out with me, have dinner, and chat. I should have started with that.
 We settled on a time and a place and ended our conversation. I had just solicited a prostitute. My family would be proud, if they weren't worse people than me already.


quizzical dog
inigo montoya
stopped reading


Thanks for saving the time.  Pro tip for aspiring authors/reporters: Unless your 'family' is, say, Ted Bundy, or some other famous reprehensible person, shiatting on them online is childish, and makes you look like a petty, pathetic, angsty teenaged idiot, and completely invalidates anything else you're going to go on to say, because you have already proven, definitively, that you're a pretentious self important waste of time who takes himself far too seriously AND thinks he's the best thing to ever happen to X.
 
2014-04-27 08:18:03 PM
Only made out a little?  Isn't the first rule of hookers no kissing on the mouth?
 
2014-04-27 08:18:50 PM

Cpl.D: Didn't click the link.  Was it a short story, stretched out by clip art, and spread over two pages to double up on advertising space?


media.tumblr.com
/hot
 
2014-04-27 08:22:24 PM
wanna-joke.com
 
2014-04-27 08:22:48 PM

RogermcAllen: Only made out a little?  Isn't the first rule of hookers no kissing on the mouth?


Depends on the hooker.
 
2014-04-27 08:41:25 PM

Tyrone Slothrop: RogermcAllen: Only made out a little?  Isn't the first rule of hookers no kissing on the mouth?

Depends on the hooker.


vulcanicnews.com
 
2014-04-27 09:16:25 PM
Or, he may have decided confessing to having committed a crime in a publication is not the best move in life.
 
2014-04-27 09:39:42 PM

Some Coke Drinking Guy: Or, he may have decided confessing to having committed a crime in a publication is not the best move in life.


What crime was committed ?
 
2014-04-27 09:51:32 PM

ReverendJynxed: fusillade762: What is this ass clapping he speak of?

[i218.photobucket.com image 220x165]


I've been watching this gif for three hours.

/help
 
2014-04-27 09:52:53 PM

Slartibartfaster: Some Coke Drinking Guy: Or, he may have decided confessing to having committed a crime in a publication is not the best move in life.

What crime was committed ?


He's probably saying that's why he didn't mention the pity handy she gave him at the end of the night.

Although, I don't think anyone would much care if you admitted to having sex with an escort post fact.  Not legally anyway.
 
2014-04-27 10:07:48 PM
i.crackedcdn.com

I'm the one in back. Graceful, huh?
 
2014-04-27 10:09:05 PM

RogermcAllen: Only made out a little?  Isn't the first rule of hookers no kissing on the mouth?


GFE is $300/hr at minimum.
 
2014-04-27 10:25:06 PM

Slartibartfaster: Some Coke Drinking Guy: Or, he may have decided confessing to having committed a crime in a publication is not the best move in life.

What crime was committed ?


Striking out with a hooker.
 
2014-04-27 10:41:54 PM

Slartibartfaster: Some Coke Drinking Guy: Or, he may have decided confessing to having committed a crime in a publication is not the best move in life.

What crime was committed ?


www.movieactors.com

Killed ten minutes of my life.
 
2014-04-27 11:06:46 PM
I learned that she was paying for a Ph.D.
She's doing it wrong too.
 
2014-04-28 12:14:08 AM
I know you'll slam me for still watching this show, but "Two and a Half Men" had Alan pimping out Kelso this week. After Kelso found out, it had to stop but they pulled one last prank where an acting teacher pretended to be an undercover cop.

Anyway...he probably farked her. He's a creative writer. He doesn't have to tell you what really happened, he only needed the experience to think of a story to write. I mean...it's cracked.com.
 
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