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(Uproxx)   I think the internet is officially being catfished by raunchy sorority girl emails   (uproxx.com) divider line 59
    More: Strange, punt  
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8503 clicks; posted to Main » on 23 Apr 2014 at 8:33 AM (18 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



59 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2014-04-23 08:26:41 AM
Meh, women always talk a good game. It's a rare bird indeed who puts her money where her mouth is or her mouth where her mouth is -so to speak.
 
2014-04-23 08:28:32 AM
No way, subby, these are totally real. And you know I'm right because I said "totally." If I'd just said "real," they might not be completely real. But totally real is real plus real, which is what you need to be totally real.
 
2014-04-23 08:38:17 AM
A 'sloot'?  I think she meant 'sloop', matey.
 
2014-04-23 08:39:03 AM
"Hot college lesbians want your dick!"

Ummm.... no, no I'm going to guess they probably don't. For all the reasons other college women don't, plus another one that you've illuminated in this very email.
 
2014-04-23 08:41:12 AM
Gender Guesser

Results

Genre: Informal
  Female = 1872
  Male   = 1490
  Difference = -382; 44.31%
  Verdict: Weak FEMALE
Weak emphasis could indicate European.
 
2014-04-23 08:44:09 AM
I know this is fake because not once did "she" say:  I can't even!!!!
 
2014-04-23 08:47:22 AM
Catfish?
Smells more like click bait used for trolling.

Oh, and ladies?
Learn how to cook.
You might not always have a man to do it for you.
 
2014-04-23 08:49:19 AM
Catfished...?
 
2014-04-23 08:51:16 AM
Dear Sorority Sloot Forum,

I know this is going to sound like a crazy fantasy but every word of this story is true. A few weeks ago my girlfriend happened to mention to me how attractive she thought our new neighbor Linda was. Well of course I noticed it too with those cannibal breasts and pouty lips. I don't have to tell you she was a knockout...
 
2014-04-23 08:55:28 AM
I know women that have loved sucking dick, but I don't think a single self respecting one would refer to themselves as a dick sucking queen.
 
2014-04-23 08:55:46 AM
Probably written by some Russian kid when he got bored of phishing on Craigs List.
 
2014-04-23 08:58:27 AM
If you are one of those "classy" ladies who don't swallow. Go crawl into a hole with Ellen DeGeneres and learn to eat p*ssy, because that is what you are. Spitting is for quitters, you swallow that sweet 'n' salty mix like the real woman you are. Your man for the night will forever tell his bro's about you dick sucking abilities. Oh, if you haven't noticed by now, I love sucking dick. I crowned myself the dick sucking queen and no one is ever taking that title from me, so back the fark off.

HAHAHA! Previously she said she can't suck dick for more than 7 minutes. She's so noob it's hilarious.

My GF's record is 70 minutes.
 
2014-04-23 08:59:55 AM
Wow, that's so edgy and in no way some fabrication of a bored 15 year old boy.
 
2014-04-23 09:00:48 AM

ristst: Catfished...?


When the hot chick on the other end of your steamy chat session is a dude
 
2014-04-23 09:00:52 AM
The square... is this an Ole Miss chick?
 
2014-04-23 09:01:35 AM

you are a puppet: Dear Sorority Sloot Forum,

I know this is going to sound like a crazy fantasy but every word of this story is true. A few weeks ago my girlfriend happened to mention to me how attractive she thought our new neighbor Linda was. Well of course I noticed it too with those cannibal breasts and pouty lips. I don't have to tell you she was a knockout...


....go on.
 
2014-04-23 09:02:27 AM
If there was ever a term that needed to die...
 
2014-04-23 09:02:50 AM

Colin O'Scopy: If you are one of those "classy" ladies who don't swallow. Go crawl into a hole with Ellen DeGeneres and learn to eat p*ssy, because that is what you are. Spitting is for quitters, you swallow that sweet 'n' salty mix like the real woman you are. Your man for the night will forever tell his bro's about you dick sucking abilities. Oh, if you haven't noticed by now, I love sucking dick. I crowned myself the dick sucking queen and no one is ever taking that title from me, so back the fark off.

HAHAHA! Previously she said she can't suck dick for more than 7 minutes. She's so noob it's hilarious.

My GF's record is 70 minutes.


It sounds like that would qualify as a record for you as well.
 
2014-04-23 09:05:51 AM
Older women with a few miles on the odometer are infinitely more attractive.  Sometimes, they even put down their phones for an actual human conversation.
 
2014-04-23 09:06:42 AM
I want to believe
 
2014-04-23 09:07:11 AM
iwanttobelieve.jpg
 
2014-04-23 09:08:36 AM
My friend's daughter will be going off to college this fall and I've known her since she was a bump on her mamma's belly.

No, I will NOT be forwarding this link to my friend.
 
2014-04-23 09:16:53 AM

LeroyB: Colin O'Scopy: If you are one of those "classy" ladies who don't swallow. Go crawl into a hole with Ellen DeGeneres and learn to eat p*ssy, because that is what you are. Spitting is for quitters, you swallow that sweet 'n' salty mix like the real woman you are. Your man for the night will forever tell his bro's about you dick sucking abilities. Oh, if you haven't noticed by now, I love sucking dick. I crowned myself the dick sucking queen and no one is ever taking that title from me, so back the fark off.

HAHAHA! Previously she said she can't suck dick for more than 7 minutes. She's so noob it's hilarious.

My GF's record is 70 minutes.

It sounds like that would qualify as a record for you as well.


He never said it was with him...
 
2014-04-23 09:18:47 AM

LeroyB: My friend's daughter will be going off to college this fall and I've known her since she was a bump on her mamma's belly.

No, I will NOT be forwarding this link to my friend.


Of course you don't forward that to your friend.. You show the daughter.. And suggest she can use you for practice.
 
2014-04-23 09:23:00 AM

kyleaugustus: A 'sloot'?  I think she meant 'sloop', matey.



"I christen thee, the Flying Wasp"

www.carlspackler.com
 
2014-04-23 09:24:56 AM

you are a puppet: Dear Sorority Sloot Forum,

I know this is going to sound like a crazy fantasy but every word of this story is true. A few weeks ago my girlfriend happened to mention to me how attractive she thought our new neighbor Linda was. Well of course I noticed it too with those cannibal breasts and pouty lips. I don't have to tell you she was a knockout...


WTF?
 
2014-04-23 09:25:47 AM

vudukungfu: Catfish?
Smells more like click bait used for trolling.

Oh, and ladies?
Learn how to cook.
You might not always have a man to do it for you.


Well that, and most men view a woman who can't cook or clean as useless. Not being sexist, but if the guy can you'd better be able to cook a good meal from scratch. No, you don't have to be a pro chef, most of us guys aren't, but if you can't cook you're useless for anything but a short term fling.
 
2014-04-23 09:27:33 AM
monoski


Probably written by some Russian kid when he got bored of phishing on Craigs List.

That must seriously be a full time job. So many ads... so much bullshiat on there.
 
2014-04-23 09:29:32 AM
Oh, I see my ex has become a writer. Good for her.
 
2014-04-23 09:29:43 AM

Colin O'Scopy: If you are one of those "classy" ladies who don't swallow. Go crawl into a hole with Ellen DeGeneres and learn to eat p*ssy, because that is what you are. Spitting is for quitters, you swallow that sweet 'n' salty mix like the real woman you are. Your man for the night will forever tell his bro's about you dick sucking abilities. Oh, if you haven't noticed by now, I love sucking dick. I crowned myself the dick sucking queen and no one is ever taking that title from me, so back the fark off.

HAHAHA! Previously she said she can't suck dick for more than 7 minutes. She's so noob it's hilarious.

My GF's record is 70 minutes.


Your GF sounds awful at blowjobs
 
2014-04-23 09:34:01 AM

CruJones: Your GF sounds awful at blowjobs


Seriously if you can't get a guy to either get it up  enough for sex or climax in 5 min or less then you really suck at sucking.
 
2014-04-23 09:34:46 AM

TNel: CruJones: Your GF sounds awful at blowjobs

Seriously if you can't get a guy to either get it up  enough for sex or climax in 5 min or less then you really suck at sucking.


Or he's not into girls...... NTTAWWT
 
2014-04-23 09:37:28 AM

CruJones: Colin O'Scopy: If you are one of those "classy" ladies who don't swallow. Go crawl into a hole with Ellen DeGeneres and learn to eat p*ssy, because that is what you are. Spitting is for quitters, you swallow that sweet 'n' salty mix like the real woman you are. Your man for the night will forever tell his bro's about you dick sucking abilities. Oh, if you haven't noticed by now, I love sucking dick. I crowned myself the dick sucking queen and no one is ever taking that title from me, so back the fark off.

HAHAHA! Previously she said she can't suck dick for more than 7 minutes. She's so noob it's hilarious.

My GF's record is 70 minutes.

Your GF sounds awful at blowjobs


Really. The writer's point is that if he can stand it for more than 7 minutes without firing his bolt, you aren't doing it right. And who the fark wants a 70 minute beej? If it takes that long, either the sucker is awful at the game or the mouth is the wrong gender, if you get my meaning.
 
2014-04-23 09:41:33 AM
A frat probably wrote it as a joke.
 
2014-04-23 09:44:30 AM

moothemagiccow: ristst: Catfished...?

When the hot chick on the other end of your steamy chat session is a dude


OK, I must confess that this is the first time I've heard that word used that way.
 
2014-04-23 09:54:11 AM

kyleaugustus: A 'sloot'?  I think she meant 'sloop', matey.


The guy that reviews Skyrim mods uses that word a lot. As far as I can tell it means "slut" for people who are too pussy to say it.
 
2014-04-23 09:54:16 AM

ristst: moothemagiccow: ristst: Catfished...?

When the hot chick on the other end of your steamy chat session is a dude

OK, I must confess that this is the first time I've heard that word used that way.


I had to look it up
 
2014-04-23 09:57:01 AM

SuperChuck: you are a puppet: [...]  cannibal breasts [...]

WTF?


Think National Geographic magazine covers.
 
2014-04-23 10:10:20 AM

steveGswine: SuperChuck: you are a puppet: [...]  cannibal breasts [...]

WTF?

Think National Geographic magazine covers.


That makes a lot more sense than what I was thinking. But less fun

/can't sleep, breasts will eat me
 
2014-04-23 10:44:02 AM

Johnny Texas: Do college chicks ever have contests with each other where they go out and fark middle aged dudes?


Not for free.
:-(

/Hey, with tuition at an all time high, gotta find a way to pay those college bills.
 
2014-04-23 11:10:49 AM

CruJones: Colin O'Scopy: If you are one of those "classy" ladies who don't swallow. Go crawl into a hole with Ellen DeGeneres and learn to eat p*ssy, because that is what you are. Spitting is for quitters, you swallow that sweet 'n' salty mix like the real woman you are. Your man for the night will forever tell his bro's about you dick sucking abilities. Oh, if you haven't noticed by now, I love sucking dick. I crowned myself the dick sucking queen and no one is ever taking that title from me, so back the fark off.

HAHAHA! Previously she said she can't suck dick for more than 7 minutes. She's so noob it's hilarious.

My GF's record is 70 minutes.

Your GF sounds awful at blowjobs


He didn't specify that they were all on the same guy.
 
2014-04-23 11:34:21 AM
This thread is giving me serious deja vu, both the subject and the first few posts.  I even checked dates to see if this was one of those "let's put up a thread from a year ago and see if anyone notices" type things.

Anyway, I just thought you all should know that.
 
2014-04-23 11:38:14 AM

Theaetetus: CruJones: Colin O'Scopy: If you are one of those "classy" ladies who don't swallow. Go crawl into a hole with Ellen DeGeneres and learn to eat p*ssy, because that is what you are. Spitting is for quitters, you swallow that sweet 'n' salty mix like the real woman you are. Your man for the night will forever tell his bro's about you dick sucking abilities. Oh, if you haven't noticed by now, I love sucking dick. I crowned myself the dick sucking queen and no one is ever taking that title from me, so back the fark off.

HAHAHA! Previously she said she can't suck dick for more than 7 minutes. She's so noob it's hilarious.

My GF's record is 70 minutes.

Your GF sounds awful at blowjobs

He didn't specify that they were all on the same guy.

Or that the recipient was a human male.

 
2014-04-23 11:52:18 AM
I didn't notice any advice on anal. Is that not a thing with sorority girls anymore? Sad.
 
2014-04-23 12:01:19 PM

Theaetetus: CruJones: Colin O'Scopy: If you are one of those "classy" ladies who don't swallow. Go crawl into a hole with Ellen DeGeneres and learn to eat p*ssy, because that is what you are. Spitting is for quitters, you swallow that sweet 'n' salty mix like the real woman you are. Your man for the night will forever tell his bro's about you dick sucking abilities. Oh, if you haven't noticed by now, I love sucking dick. I crowned myself the dick sucking queen and no one is ever taking that title from me, so back the fark off.

HAHAHA! Previously she said she can't suck dick for more than 7 minutes. She's so noob it's hilarious.

My GF's record is 70 minutes.

Your GF sounds awful at blowjobs

He didn't specify that they were all on the same guy.


True.  It could have been the cumulative amount of time she spent on 37 guys.
 
2014-04-23 12:10:27 PM

Jack's Smirking Revenge: Theaetetus: CruJones: Colin O'Scopy: If you are one of those "classy" ladies who don't swallow. Go crawl into a hole with Ellen DeGeneres and learn to eat p*ssy, because that is what you are. Spitting is for quitters, you swallow that sweet 'n' salty mix like the real woman you are. Your man for the night will forever tell his bro's about you dick sucking abilities. Oh, if you haven't noticed by now, I love sucking dick. I crowned myself the dick sucking queen and no one is ever taking that title from me, so back the fark off.

HAHAHA! Previously she said she can't suck dick for more than 7 minutes. She's so noob it's hilarious.

My GF's record is 70 minutes.

Your GF sounds awful at blowjobs

He didn't specify that they were all on the same guy.

True.  It could have been the cumulative amount of time she spent on 37 guys.


dvdmedia.ign.com
"In a row?!"
 
2014-04-23 12:16:54 PM

Tyrone Slothrop: kyleaugustus: A 'sloot'?  I think she meant 'sloop', matey.

The guy that reviews Skyrim mods uses that word a lot. As far as I can tell it means "slut" for people who are too pussy to say it.


Yeah. fark those shiatty biatch-ass coonts too weak to curse like a farking adult.
 
2014-04-23 12:35:16 PM

Colin O'Scopy: If you are one of those "classy" ladies who don't swallow. Go crawl into a hole with Ellen DeGeneres and learn to eat p*ssy, because that is what you are. Spitting is for quitters, you swallow that sweet 'n' salty mix like the real woman you are. Your man for the night will forever tell his bro's about you dick sucking abilities. Oh, if you haven't noticed by now, I love sucking dick. I crowned myself the dick sucking queen and no one is ever taking that title from me, so back the fark off.

HAHAHA! Previously she said she can't suck dick for more than 7 minutes. She's so noob it's hilarious.

My GF's record is 70 minutes.


Yeah man, that was awesome. Tell her thanks again.
 
2014-04-23 01:31:49 PM

Thelyphthoric: This thread is giving me serious deja vu, both the subject and the first few posts.  I even checked dates to see if this was one of those "let's put up a thread from a year ago and see if anyone notices" type things.

Anyway, I just thought you all should know that.


You've got an outstanding handle for this thread :)
 
2014-04-23 01:48:11 PM

PunGent: Thelyphthoric: This thread is giving me serious deja vu, both the subject and the first few posts.  I even checked dates to see if this was one of those "let's put up a thread from a year ago and see if anyone notices" type things.

Anyway, I just thought you all should know that.

You've got an outstanding handle for this thread :)


You'd be amazed how inoften I hear that :)
 
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