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(Opposing Views)   One sign that you hired the wrong hitman to murder your wife: she kills the hitman with a claw hammer   (opposingviews.com) divider line 85
    More: Fail, Edward Haffey, murders  
•       •       •

10310 clicks; posted to Main » on 15 Apr 2014 at 1:26 PM (45 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



85 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2014-04-15 11:58:46 AM  
campblood.org

Approves
 
2014-04-15 12:21:39 PM  
Well since someone is actually awake here and updating headlines to reflect reality:

It just goes to show you shouldn't underestimate the amount of sh*t that nurses are completely accustomed to dealing with, from life-or-death situations to violent assault and resistance from drugged-out and/or psychotic patients.  Even little old ladies go apeshiat on caregivers when their dementia leaves them confused about what the hell is going on.  Punk-ass hitman didn't know he what he was jumping in to.

But something tells me her old man is going to stay far away.
 
2014-04-15 12:32:02 PM  
sign you married the right woman.

that's hot
 
2014-04-15 01:00:03 PM  
Bump a ditty
Bump a ditty
Bump a ditty
*blood spurts*
Tag lick.
Fin.
 
2014-04-15 01:11:48 PM  
TFA: Eight years ago, one woman was confronted by a hit man who had been hired by her husband to murder her. She killed the hit man with her bare hands.... Susan bravely fought back and wound up killing the hit man with her bare hands.

...
"I got the hammer and started hitting him with the hammer several times," recalled Walters in 2006. "My father, the carpenter, always taught me a hammer could be used for self defense - the claw end would work the best."

Dear Dominic Kelly: Bare hands != claw hammer.
 
vpb [TotalFark]
2014-04-15 01:14:49 PM  
TwistedIvory:

Dear Dominic Kelly: Bare hands != claw hammer.

I guess she wasn't wearing a glove on the hand that held the hammer.
 
2014-04-15 01:26:40 PM  
Wasn't that a movie with Michael Douglas and Gwennwth Paltrow and Aragorn?
 
2014-04-15 01:29:13 PM  
She nailed him
 
2014-04-15 01:29:37 PM  
static.squarespace.com
approves
 
2014-04-15 01:30:45 PM  

The Stealth Hippopotamus: sign you married the right woman.

that's hot


That's what I was thinking. I'd be damned impressed (although not surprised) if my wife killed an attacker with a claw hammer.
 
2014-04-15 01:32:09 PM  
I work in health care. The constant lifting and pulling makes the nurses massively strong. An ER nurse would have the sangfroid to deal with a dangerous situation , because of all the shiat they deal with every day.
 
2014-04-15 01:35:44 PM  
"It was eventually uncovered that Michael Kuhnhausen had paid Haffey $50,000 to murder Walters "

i.imgur.com

So THATS what happened to him!
 
2014-04-15 01:36:18 PM  
OOOOHHHH
johnlange.files.wordpress.com
 
2014-04-15 01:37:37 PM  

The Stealth Hippopotamus: sign you married the right woman.

that's hot


I had a woman try to kill me with a claw hammer once.

Was NOT hot.
 
2014-04-15 01:38:05 PM  
His last words were, "you're strong." I'm guessing the family left that out of the obit. I hope my last words are, "don't fight girls, you'll both get your turn."
 
2014-04-15 01:39:30 PM  
He's ready to help!
screenrebellion.com
 
2014-04-15 01:39:34 PM  
Haha, I watched some Investigation Discovery program about this story, and they showed photos of the hitman compared to the nurse. He was way out of his weight class.
 
2014-04-15 01:39:40 PM  
Bad Pun Replies:

1. Getting hammered Friday night!
2. Her maiden Name must have been "Sledge"
3. Nail'd Him!
4. Pound Out a Victory.
and the worst one possibly........

5. Can't touch this!
 
2014-04-15 01:40:32 PM  
She even gave him a chance to stop. Offered to call him the amberlamps.
jesus. dude. take the offer.
 
2014-04-15 01:40:36 PM  
Kudos to the woman on offering to stop and call him an ambulance.    You think at that point he would have just gave up and went with an associated charge.
 
2014-04-15 01:42:05 PM  

shifter_: Bad Pun Replies:

1. Getting hammered Friday night!
2. Her maiden Name must have been "Sledge"
3. Nail'd Him!
4. Pound Out a Victory.
and the worst one possibly........

5. Can't touch this!


6. Stop! Hammer time!
7. By the power of Thor!
 
2014-04-15 01:45:40 PM  
Shes a handsome Woman.
 
2014-04-15 01:46:07 PM  
My Stepmom was an ER Nurse... and amazingly deceptively strong.

Rule 1.   Do not fark with ER Nurses as they are quite confident that they can kick your ass and patch up any damage they cause post-asskicking.
 
2014-04-15 01:46:51 PM  
What you hope the lady with a hammer looks like

hqwallpapersplus.com
 
2014-04-15 01:49:08 PM  

fireclown: I had a woman try to kill me with a claw hammer once.


ONCE!
 
2014-04-15 01:49:30 PM  
*house phone rings, wife picks up*

Husband: "You done?"
Wife: "Done with what?"
*awkward silence*
 
2014-04-15 01:50:08 PM  

JohnCarter: What you hope the lady with a hammer looks like

[hqwallpapersplus.com image 707x960]


Daaaaaamn.
 
2014-04-15 01:50:27 PM  
"Amateur."

static.giantbomb.com
 
2014-04-15 01:50:40 PM  
I think I will just keep my f*cking mouth shut. Not going to say a word about her or to her.
 
2014-04-15 01:53:01 PM  
I'm no psychic, but I am pretty sure he's gonna get cold sandwiches for dinner.
 
2014-04-15 01:56:33 PM  
She should take the hammer to his parole hearing.
 
2014-04-15 01:57:36 PM  

sithon: I work in health care. The constant lifting and pulling makes the nurses massively strong. An ER nurse would have the sangfroid to deal with a dangerous situation , because of all the shiat they deal with every day.


Mom Was a Nurse, tiny little slip of a 120lb woman who stands 5'2.   Mom also worked in a dangerous hospital in a bad neighborhood that bordered the worst parts of DC.   Dad was a big man, 6ft, 250,  I was an even bigger one 6'3 350 at one point....Escorting her to and from work was a regular feature of my teen/young adult years and while we were both very protective of her, we somehow both knew that if the shiat every REALLY hit the fan she'd be the dangerous one the bad guys would REALLY have to worry about

Susan bravely fought back and wound up killing the hit man with her bare hands.
"His last words on this earth were 'you're strong,'" recalled Susan Walters


That's hardcore
 
2014-04-15 02:00:27 PM  

TwistedIvory: TFA: Eight years ago, one woman was confronted by a hit man who had been hired by her husband to murder her. She killed the hit man with her bare hands.... Susan bravely fought back and wound up killing the hit man with her bare hands.

...
"I got the hammer and started hitting him with the hammer several times," recalled Walters in 2006. "My father, the carpenter, always taught me a hammer could be used for self defense - the claw end would work the best."

Dear Dominic Kelly: Bare hands != claw hammer.



There's a link in the article to a story from 2006 where she says she pushed him to the floor, got on his back, put her arm under his neck and strangled him until he stopped moving.

In that other article it says he had started hitting her with the hammer and doesn't mention her hitting him with the hammer at all.
 
2014-04-15 02:01:54 PM  
Good for her. Also, stupid hitman. What was he trying to do, strangle her?
 
2014-04-15 02:02:04 PM  
Oops - other article is from 2012 not 2006.

http://www.katu.com/news/local/Woman-tells-how-she-survived-a-hit-man - 141716843.html">http://www.katu.com/news/local/Woman-tells-how-she-su rvived-a-hit-man- 141716843.html
 
2014-04-15 02:05:06 PM  
Probably the only hitman ever hired by an ordinary person that was not, in fact, an undercover FBI agent.
 
2014-04-15 02:09:03 PM  

moike: My Stepmom was an ER Nurse... and amazingly deceptively strong.

Rule 1.   Do not fark with ER Nurses as they are quite confident that they can kick your ass and patch up any damage they cause post-asskicking.


During her studies to become a PA, my sister did a rotation in the ER at Houston's Ben Taub Hospital (AKA the Houston Knife and Gun Club)  here "welcome to hell, rookie" moment came when they brought in a couple who had been in a domestic altercation and beat each other so badly they both needed urgent patching up in the ER.  The couple continued to verbally spar with each other even as the doc went to work, and then suddenly my sis was being thrown to the flood by one of the cops who brought the couple in as a stray bullet whizzed by where she had been seconds before.  The man of the couple had grabbed one of the Cops' guns and was trying to finish off the wife.  The remaining cops immediately each put at least one bullet center mass in the guy.....whereupon the ER personnel all picked themselves up off the floor and immediately went to work trying to revive the guy and patch him up (unsuccessfully)
 
2014-04-15 02:10:04 PM  
Well, at least it wasn't a firearm! Because then she would be a huge scaredey cat pussy.
 
2014-04-15 02:17:03 PM  
I can see why he hired someone instead of doing it himself.
 
2014-04-15 02:18:13 PM  
Is it really that hard to get along with the person you married?

Why the hell are these people getting married?
 
2014-04-15 02:18:44 PM  

stevarooni: He's ready to help!
[screenrebellion.com image 672x403]


Old Boy is old news.  The new hotness is Hammer Girl:
www.nerdist.com
 
2014-04-15 02:20:00 PM  
Haha ameteure... I wonder what he paid for that guy. In the hitman business, you get what you pay for. Going rate minimum for a respectable professional hitman is around 50,000, give or take depending on the political/societal status of said target. Plus 5000 in expenses. This guy was obviously not a professional and did the job for next to nothing.
 
2014-04-15 02:22:56 PM  

Magorn: moike: My Stepmom was an ER Nurse... and amazingly deceptively strong.

Rule 1.   Do not fark with ER Nurses as they are quite confident that they can kick your ass and patch up any damage they cause post-asskicking.

During her studies to become a PA, my sister did a rotation in the ER at Houston's Ben Taub Hospital (AKA the Houston Knife and Gun Club)  here "welcome to hell, rookie" moment came when they brought in a couple who had been in a domestic altercation and beat each other so badly they both needed urgent patching up in the ER.  The couple continued to verbally spar with each other even as the doc went to work, and then suddenly my sis was being thrown to the flood by one of the cops who brought the couple in as a stray bullet whizzed by where she had been seconds before.  The man of the couple had grabbed one of the Cops' guns and was trying to finish off the wife.  The remaining cops immediately each put at least one bullet center mass in the guy.....whereupon the ER personnel all picked themselves up off the floor and immediately went to work trying to revive the guy and patch him up (unsuccessfully)


Did she end up marrying the cop later? That's what movies have taught me to expect in those kinds of situations.
 
2014-04-15 02:23:33 PM  

Dirty J1: Haha ameteure... I wonder what he paid for that guy. In the hitman business, you get what you pay for. Going rate minimum for a respectable professional hitman is around 50,000, give or take depending on the political/societal status of said target. Plus 5000 in expenses. This guy was obviously not a professional and did the job for next to nothing.


FTFA: ''It was eventually uncovered that Michael Kuhnhausen had paid Haffey $50,000 to murder Walters.''
 
2014-04-15 02:23:53 PM  
What? I should not have hit the hitman? Isn't that what they're for?
 
2014-04-15 02:25:19 PM  
Came to say "Don't fark with ER nurses" but I see that's been well taken care of.
 
2014-04-15 02:30:16 PM  
I mean a botched incident like this, I think you have to question the sobriety of that hitman. Was he drunk? Hammered.
 
2014-04-15 02:31:28 PM  

pan fried monkey spunk: Dirty J1: Haha ameteure... I wonder what he paid for that guy. In the hitman business, you get what you pay for. Going rate minimum for a respectable professional hitman is around 50,000, give or take depending on the political/societal status of said target. Plus 5000 in expenses. This guy was obviously not a professional and did the job for next to nothing.

FTFA: ''It was eventually uncovered that Michael Kuhnhausen had paid Haffey $50,000 to murder Walters.''


Haha maybe I should have read the article first. But damn if i wasnt spot on with the cost after all! Well the guy was still an ameteure. Or had too short of a time frame. A proper hit takes a month to several months of recon, surveillance, working out a plan, covering your tracks, etc. it's common sense.
 
2014-04-15 02:34:17 PM  
 
2014-04-15 02:38:07 PM  
When will people ever learn?
Unless you have actual bona fide mob connections, don't bother finding a hit man.
Your odds of getting caught are much lower if you just do it yourself.
 
2014-04-15 02:42:04 PM  
While speaking to the parole board, she should look directly at her ex and say, "I still have my hammer, motherfarker."
 
2014-04-15 02:45:20 PM  
This article is written terribly. She did strangle him to death with her bare hands. He was the one who had the claw hammer when she walked in. (protip: if you're gonna assassinate someone in a planned sorta way, consider using a gun or poison or an actual weapon)

Pertinent details:
- Dude had the hammer and attacked her with it when she walked in (bastard had a free ambush round)
- She wrangled it from him (she won a disarm check)
- They struggled over it and it went flying (they both botched on a second disarm check)
- At this point neither has the hammer; the hammer is out of the equation
- They wrestled on the floor for 10d10 rounds
- She was finally able to get a choke-hold on him and strangled him to death (successful sustained clinch ftw)
- She stood, brushed her shirt off, and calmly walked to the neighbor's house with some swagger in her step to call the police


http://www.foxnews.com/story/2006/09/16/police-hit-man-strangled-by- in tended-victim/
http://www.badassoftheweek.com/kuhnhausen.html
 
2014-04-15 02:50:14 PM  
Was this the wife?
www.themoviescene.co.uk
 
2014-04-15 02:52:32 PM  
While we're on the subject does anyone know any good books about professional hitmen?  Fiction or nonfiction works.
 
2014-04-15 02:53:34 PM  

Satanic_Hamster: stevarooni: He's ready to help!
[screenrebellion.com image 672x403]

Old Boy is old news.  The new hotness is Hammer Girl:
[www.nerdist.com image 615x418]


One girl, two hammers?
 
2014-04-15 02:58:38 PM  

cgraves67: The Stealth Hippopotamus: sign you married the right woman.

that's hot

That's what I was thinking. I'd be damned impressed (although not surprised) if my wife killed an attacker with a claw hammer.



emertainmentmonthly.com
3 clueless guys: Hi, we were wandering by, and noticed all the men were out on a raid so we thought we'd stop by for a little pillaging and a lot of raping.
Lagertha: *graps fire poker* About that...
 
2014-04-15 03:01:31 PM  

Fark Against the Machine: While we're on the subject does anyone know any good books about professional hitmen?  Fiction or nonfiction works.


Try Hitman:A Technical Manual for Independent Contractors (link goes to page were you can get the PDF) written by Rex Feral (Also known as Dr Strongbone McAsskick).

It makes for an interesting, if not full-of-shiat read.
 
2014-04-15 03:03:24 PM  
Interesting.  I had come to the conclusion that hit men are a myth perpetuated by undercover police officers to arrest angry spouses.
 
2014-04-15 03:09:59 PM  

ryokosan: This article is written terribly. She did strangle him to death with her bare hands. He was the one who had the claw hammer when she walked in. (protip: if you're gonna assassinate someone in a planned sorta way, consider using a gun or poison or an actual weapon)

Pertinent details:
- Dude had the hammer and attacked her with it when she walked in (bastard had a free ambush round)
- She wrangled it from him (she won a disarm check)
- They struggled over it and it went flying (they both botched on a second disarm check)
- At this point neither has the hammer; the hammer is out of the equation
- They wrestled on the floor for 10d10 rounds
- She was finally able to get a choke-hold on him and strangled him to death (successful sustained clinch ftw)
- She stood, brushed her shirt off, and calmly walked to the neighbor's house with some swagger in her step to call the police


http://www.foxnews.com/story/2006/09/16/police-hit-man-strangled-by- in tended-victim/
http://www.badassoftheweek.com/kuhnhausen.html


Yea a nice silenced .22 or something clever involving poison. If i were in that business, those would be my preferred methods. Quick and silent, in and out. This guy just moseyed on in with a freaking claw hammer? 50,000 should have bought alot better.
 
2014-04-15 03:11:06 PM  

CJHardin: Interesting.  I had come to the conclusion that hit men are a myth perpetuated by undercover police officers to arrest angry spouses.


Lol nope they are real. Wouldn't go looking for one though.
 
2014-04-15 03:17:21 PM  
Who framed Roger Rabbit - OJ Simpson episode of Robot Chicken comes to mind..............
 
2014-04-15 03:25:51 PM  

vudukungfu: She even gave him a chance to stop. Offered to call him the amberlamps.
jesus. dude. take the offer.


At that point, the humiliation would make you wish you were dead.
 
2014-04-15 03:34:27 PM  

pan fried monkey spunk: Dirty J1: Haha ameteure... I wonder what he paid for that guy. In the hitman business, you get what you pay for. Going rate minimum for a respectable professional hitman is around 50,000, give or take depending on the political/societal status of said target. Plus 5000 in expenses. This guy was obviously not a professional and did the job for next to nothing.

FTFA: ''It was eventually uncovered that Michael Kuhnhausen had paid Haffey $50,000 to murder Walters.''


I read that and just thought "Damn... You got ripped the fark off"
 
2014-04-15 03:35:16 PM  
Opposing Views is the link-source? Do they want to outlaw hammers of something?
 
2014-04-15 03:35:58 PM  
Saw this on "I Survived..."
In that version, it was her massive girth and strength that killed him, she had all her weight on his neck/throat.
Yes, she's strong, but also very rotund.
Kudos to her killing that bastard though.
He shoulda brought a gun!
 
2014-04-15 03:37:32 PM  
"Although I've forgiven my ex-husband for what he became, and what he did to me and all those who he loved, I cannot forget what he's capable of,"

If he knows what's good for him he won't forget what she's capable of.
 
2014-04-15 03:49:56 PM  

MythDragon: Fark Against the Machine: While we're on the subject does anyone know any good books about professional hitmen?  Fiction or nonfiction works.

Try Hitman:A Technical Manual for Independent Contractors (link goes to page were you can get the PDF) written by Rex Feral (Also known as Dr Strongbone McAsskick).

It makes for an interesting, if not full-of-shiat read.


I've read that too, it's just that I can't help but feeling his tactics for covering his ass and getting and using fake ids are a bit dated. Have to go back and look at the copyright date.
 
2014-04-15 03:52:19 PM  

MythDragon: cgraves67: The Stealth Hippopotamus: sign you married the right woman.

that's hot

That's what I was thinking. I'd be damned impressed (although not surprised) if my wife killed an attacker with a claw hammer.


[emertainmentmonthly.com image 850x441]
3 clueless guys: Hi, we were wandering by, and noticed all the men were out on a raid so we thought we'd stop by for a little pillaging and a lot of raping.
Lagertha: *graps fire poker* About that...


God, but I love that series. Lagertha is awesome.
 
2014-04-15 04:02:57 PM  

MythDragon: One girl, two hammers?


One girl, two hammers, and maybe eight guys.

i1.ytimg.com
 
2014-04-15 04:04:05 PM  

Rawhead Rex: Saw this on "I Survived..."
In that version, it was her massive girth and strength that killed him, she had all her weight on his neck/throat.
Yes, she's strong, but also very rotund.
Kudos to her killing that bastard though.
He shoulda brought a gun!


I guess there goes the fact that fat people are easy to kill...
 
2014-04-15 04:48:14 PM  
You know who ELSE fought off an assassin armed with a hammer?
 
2014-04-15 05:00:10 PM  

ryokosan: This article is written terribly. She did strangle him to death with her bare hands.


So their headline (and the original headline here) was accurate, just botched because of OV's casual relationship with writing facts.

Damn that lady's not screwing around.
 
2014-04-15 05:02:03 PM  

LazyMedia: You know who ELSE fought off an assassin armed with a hammer?


If only Gaston had a gun, he wouldn't have been injured.
 
2014-04-15 05:08:36 PM  
hahahahaahahaa. Her husband had better get a restraining order. And then he can find out how well it may or may not work, just like every domestic violence victim out there.

/didn't read shiat
 
2014-04-15 05:43:30 PM  

Dirty J1: pan fried monkey spunk: Dirty J1: Haha ameteure... I wonder what he paid for that guy. In the hitman business, you get what you pay for. Going rate minimum for a respectable professional hitman is around 50,000, give or take depending on the political/societal status of said target. Plus 5000 in expenses. This guy was obviously not a professional and did the job for next to nothing.

FTFA: ''It was eventually uncovered that Michael Kuhnhausen had paid Haffey $50,000 to murder Walters.''

Haha maybe I should have read the article first. But damn if i wasnt spot on with the cost after all! Well the guy was still an ameteure. Or had too short of a time frame. A proper hit takes a month to several months of recon, surveillance, working out a plan, covering your tracks, etc. it's common sense.


And... done. I now have you favorited as "Profeshunul"
 
2014-04-15 06:11:06 PM  

MythDragon: Try Hitman:A Technical Manual for Independent Contractors (link goes to page were you can get the PDF) written by Rex Feral (Also known as Dr Strongbone McAsskick).

It makes for an interesting, if not full-of-shiat read.


1983--the forensics have to be badly out of date.
 
2014-04-15 06:12:36 PM  

anuran: "Although I've forgiven my ex-husband for what he became, and what he did to me and all those who he loved, I cannot forget what he's capable of,"

If he knows what's good for him he won't forget what she's capable of.


He might want to consider using one of these next time.
olive-drab.com
 
2014-04-15 06:28:20 PM  
Been done
 www.ticketsplease.ca
 
2014-04-15 06:57:05 PM  

MythDragon: LazyMedia: You know who ELSE fought off an assassin armed with a hammer?

If only Gaston had a gun, he wouldn't have been injured.


Like a M1911 or a Smith & Wesson.
 
2014-04-15 07:55:54 PM  
www.mentalfloss.com
approves
 
2014-04-15 07:58:20 PM  
why aren't people who kill or arrange to have others killed

sent away forever and ever, amen?


sure, she didn't die
but no thanks to her husband.


murder is bad.
10 years in jail suggests it isn't.
 
2014-04-15 10:42:30 PM  
Don't fark with people that work in very practical jobs.  Male or female.  The very brave ER nurse in the article is a person who has seen a lot of shiat without flinching.  Good for her.

I once saw a waitress that was attacked by a would-be mugger/rapist.  She walked out on her own, after dark.  She shouldn't have.  This young woman was violently attacked.  Policy was to never leave alone.  In my own place, my policy is still the same.

We heard the screams coming from just outside the front door.

Aside from being a very hard working and hard living person, she was also a multiple discipline black belt.   The guy was screaming and she was cursing at the top of her lungs as she repeatedly punched and kicked the living shiat out of him.  HE was screaming for 911.  This was in the pre-cell phone era.  We stood around and watched and cheered as she beat him to a pulp.  When we did call the police, this dickhead was in no shape to hurt anyone, or even to think about hurting a woman again.
 
TWX
2014-04-16 02:49:27 AM  

davynelson: why aren't people who kill or arrange to have others killed

sent away forever and ever, amen?


sure, she didn't die
but no thanks to her husband.


murder is bad.
10 years in jail suggests it isn't.


I was wondering the same thing, though from a different angle. In many cases where multiple people perpetrate an illegal act where someone ends up dying (armed robbery that escalates to homicide comes to mind) they sometimes charge the other assailants with Felony Murder even though only one person actually committed the murder. They've even used this on assailants when one of their own on the crew is killed during the illegal act by a victim of the crew, citing that the act of committing the original crime led to the death.

It wouldn't bother me if the person that did the hiring was charged with felony murder when there's a fairly clear-cut case of their involvement, like the rather large financial transaction...
 
2014-04-16 08:07:39 AM  
That's kinda hot.
 
2014-04-16 11:50:44 AM  
The Iceman get clobberethed.
 
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