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(Newser)   Man writes his own obituary, and it's shorter than this headline   (newser.com) divider line 112
    More: Spiffy  
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18344 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Apr 2014 at 3:02 PM (35 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



112 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2014-04-14 01:30:32 PM  

Here lies Gunny Highway.

Space Viking.

Please blast into Sun soon.

 
2014-04-14 01:34:53 PM  
Even shorter:


i58.tinypic.com
 
2014-04-14 02:06:02 PM  
"He's dead, Jim..."
 
2014-04-14 02:31:03 PM  
Smell ya later.
 
2014-04-14 02:49:36 PM  
Auuuuggghhhh
 
2014-04-14 03:03:16 PM  
I was going to say, "I died, get over it.", but his is shorter.
 
d23 [TotalFark]
2014-04-14 03:04:37 PM  
When he went into bars to pick up chicks, his pickup line was "I am horny."

And sometimes it actually worked.
 
2014-04-14 03:05:48 PM  
I would have chosen 'deceased' for the third word but I'm wordy.
 
2014-04-14 03:06:36 PM  
Harry Freakstorm
No longer taxable
 
2014-04-14 03:06:49 PM  
WTF was that?

/mine
 
2014-04-14 03:07:19 PM  
So there.
 
2014-04-14 03:08:32 PM  
Cool story, bro.
 
2014-04-14 03:10:05 PM  
X X
  >
 _
 
2014-04-14 03:10:06 PM  
Told you I was sick
 
2014-04-14 03:10:55 PM  
IDK who is going to write my obituary... but I've always known the word "senseless" will be part of it.
 
2014-04-14 03:11:00 PM  
Ta Dum.
 
2014-04-14 03:11:15 PM  
I'm not dead!

blogs.mccombs.utexas.edu
 
2014-04-14 03:12:13 PM  
If only the next obituary beneath it said.... "Me too!"
 
2014-04-14 03:13:29 PM  
Woman, to Calvin Coolidge: "My husband bet me I couldn't get three words out of you."
Coolidge: "You lose."
 
2014-04-14 03:13:57 PM  

d23: When he went into bars to pick up chicks, his pickup line was "I am horny."

And sometimes it actually worked.


csb
A former law partner of mine, after his divorce, did that whole middle-aged whoring thing, chasing tail every night he could.  He told me that when it got late, bar was going to close soon, he'd just go up to the women in the bar (in order of hotness, most hot to least) and say, "Nice shoes.  Wanna fark?"
  "How did that work out for you?" I asked.
  "About one out of ten threw her drink in my face, most said no, but I always ended up getting a yes."
  "Seriously?"
  "Sure.  If they didn't outright say no, I'd follow it up with 'C'mon who are we fooling?  I know why you're at bar at this time of night; you know why.  Let's just get to it.'"
/csb
 
2014-04-14 03:14:00 PM  
I'm dead.

(checks TA)

Contraction FTW
 
2014-04-14 03:14:20 PM  
I was always partial to:

let 'er RIP
 
2014-04-14 03:15:06 PM  
Fin.
 
2014-04-14 03:15:24 PM  
Veni vidi vici, baby!

Nah, too long.

BRB

or

AFK
 
2014-04-14 03:15:52 PM  
The Aristocrats!
 
2014-04-14 03:17:41 PM  
I care little about my obituary when I am gone.  My funeral?  Viking, or I haunt everyone I know.
 
2014-04-14 03:17:46 PM  
I do, will cause your sex life to die.
 
2014-04-14 03:18:49 PM  
"Screw you guys, i'm going home!"
 
2014-04-14 03:18:56 PM  
The cash registers at B Dalton's used to* display that when they crashed.


* this was back in the late 80s/early 90s
 
2014-04-14 03:19:03 PM  

Odd Bird: I'm dead.

(checks TA)

Contraction FTW


Maybe those words can't be contracted in Swedish.
 
2014-04-14 03:20:28 PM  

kbronsito: IDK who is going to write my obituary... but I've always known the word "senseless" will be part of it.


Tom Brokaw: Gerald Ford shot dead today, at age 83.

Voice of Producer: Uh.. add the word "senseless".

Tom Brokaw: Alright. Gerald Ford shot dead today, at the senseless age of 83.
 
2014-04-14 03:20:47 PM  
For sale, baby shoes. Never worn.
(Too small.)
 
2014-04-14 03:21:18 PM  
"I could name that tune in 2 notes..."

"Go ahead and name that tune.."

"I Died".

Seriously, TFA puts in a picture, but they can't come up with a picture of the farking 3-word obituary? Jesus, this "journalism" thing is going downhill faster and faster every day. Hell, they didn't even publish the LONGER one that papers came up with.
 
2014-04-14 03:21:30 PM  
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' "
 
2014-04-14 03:21:35 PM  
tl;dr
 
2014-04-14 03:22:00 PM  
I don't really care about my obit, so long as i'm buried properly: in an ivory casket carved from the bones of my enemies.
 
2014-04-14 03:22:08 PM  
Lived, died, buried.
 
2014-04-14 03:22:18 PM  
I was always annoyed that no newspaper went with the obvious headline after Princess Diana's death:

DI DID!
 
2014-04-14 03:23:06 PM  

FarkingReading: kbronsito: IDK who is going to write my obituary... but I've always known the word "senseless" will be part of it.

Tom Brokaw: Gerald Ford shot dead today, at age 83.

Voice of Producer: Uh.. add the word "senseless".

Tom Brokaw: Alright. Gerald Ford shot dead today, at the senseless age of 83.


He was delicious.
 
2014-04-14 03:23:49 PM  
So it goes...
 
2014-04-14 03:24:43 PM  
He gone.
 
2014-04-14 03:24:46 PM  
Are you sure?
 
2014-04-14 03:26:27 PM  
Special20:
Don't pee here.
 
2014-04-14 03:26:35 PM  
Turning undead in 3.....2...
 
2014-04-14 03:26:48 PM  
Mostly harmless.
 
2014-04-14 03:29:14 PM  

cgraves67: Odd Bird: I'm dead.

(checks TA)

Contraction FTW

Maybe those words can't be contracted in Swedish.


Could be. I didn't actually RTA, I just looked for the quote.
 
2014-04-14 03:29:17 PM  
sayonara suckers
 
2014-04-14 03:30:38 PM  
Sorry chicks, 86
 
2014-04-14 03:30:48 PM  
this assignment sucks
 
2014-04-14 03:31:09 PM  
"Kiss my ass."
 
2014-04-14 03:33:55 PM  
Received total consciousness.
 
2014-04-14 03:34:28 PM  
Some say that he wrote the shortest obit for himself ever . All we know is he's called the Stig..... Kernell
 
2014-04-14 03:34:37 PM  
"Hold my beer."
 
2014-04-14 03:35:46 PM  

Swedish 92-year-old Stig Kernell


Some say that he is not moving about any more, and that all of his metabolic processes have ceased.

All we know is he's called the Stig.
 
2014-04-14 03:36:08 PM  
I'll swallow your soul.
 
2014-04-14 03:37:49 PM  
My aunt called the local paper to see about my uncle's obituary. When they told her they charged by the word, she told them to just write 'Paddy is dead'. They told her it was six words minimum so it came out 'Paddy is dead. Toyota for sale'.
 
2014-04-14 03:37:56 PM  

HairyNevus: Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' "


Or the follow up, compliments of Buffett.
"Earl's dead, Cadillac for sale"
 
2014-04-14 03:43:04 PM  
peperony and chease
 
2014-04-14 03:44:57 PM  
"who reads these anyway?"
 
2014-04-14 03:45:01 PM  
Often Accused, Never Convicted
 
2014-04-14 03:45:59 PM  
Hope there's women.
 
2014-04-14 03:49:57 PM  
The cake is a Lie.
 
2014-04-14 03:52:56 PM  
Bye.
 
2014-04-14 03:53:14 PM  
The Aristocrats!
 
2014-04-14 03:53:31 PM  
Succinct+. Factual.
 
2014-04-14 03:53:42 PM  
99.998% Dead
 
2014-04-14 03:53:49 PM  

Valiente: The Aristocrats!


DAMMIT TO HELL!!!!
 
2014-04-14 03:53:53 PM  
My headstone:

Don't turn around

I'm right behind you

 
2014-04-14 03:58:09 PM  
You do better.
 
d23 [TotalFark]
2014-04-14 04:00:22 PM  

Crewmannumber6: My headstone:Don't turn around I'm right behind you


Spike Miligan (if you never heard of him, look him up... he's a comic genius from post WWII UK) always said that he was going to have "I told you I was Ill" put on his tombstone.  The churchyard where he was buried wouldn't allow it and his family fought them for a little while.  The church eventually allowed a Gaelic translation of that put on his tombstone...

i.dailymail.co.uk
 
2014-04-14 04:08:07 PM  

d23: Spike Miligan (if you never heard of him, look him up... he's a comic genius from post WWII UK) always said that he was going to have "I told you I was Ill" put on his tombstone.


It's Been Done.

No, seriously, in Key West:

www.aroundkeywest.com
 
2014-04-14 04:09:48 PM  
Ciao!
 
2014-04-14 04:11:48 PM  
Dead Dibbley.
 
2014-04-14 04:12:51 PM  

Crewmannumber6: My headstone:Don't turn around I'm right behind you


"Don't look here. The joke's in your hand"

"Got your ol' lady too"

"Next Stop: Valhalla"

Seriously, I ain't gonna have a tombstone. I'm giving my body to science for even more adventures.
 
2014-04-14 04:13:40 PM  
I'll have this put on my headstone......

img.fark.net
 
2014-04-14 04:15:41 PM  
Oh abuse liability, many would use the same adjective to describe him alive or dead.  Alas, a single word only.

Stiff
 
2014-04-14 04:17:44 PM  
*sniff* *sniff* yep.
 
2014-04-14 04:20:45 PM  
Oh my.
 
2014-04-14 04:24:58 PM  

a4dzac: So it goes...


That is my choice too.


/RIP KV
 
2014-04-14 04:26:30 PM  
Mistah Kurtz - he dead
 
2014-04-14 04:36:21 PM  
Without helpful link to obits so we can TL;DR
 
2014-04-14 04:36:37 PM  

charlesmartel11235: Mistah Kurtz - he dead


A penny for the old Guy
 
2014-04-14 04:43:23 PM  

d23:  The church eventually allowed a Gaelic translation of that put on his tombstone...

[i.dailymail.co.uk image 468x286]


How the Fark was I able to make sense of that writing?
The human brain is a wonderful thing.
Their tops are made out of rubber.
Their bottoms are made out of spines.
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
 
2014-04-14 04:59:35 PM  
Dammitsomuch .. was hoping to read something about (an elected official who has a large army protecting him) ..
 
2014-04-14 05:00:19 PM  
"I think not"
 
2014-04-14 05:20:49 PM  
"you are next"
 
2014-04-14 05:32:13 PM  
I've spent my entire life running from death,
And now, I'm out of breath.
 
2014-04-14 05:37:59 PM  
I buried the money in the neighbors' garden.

/next time
//keep your cats in your yard
///won't be mean to animals, will be hostile to bad owners
 
2014-04-14 05:49:08 PM  
Gone pottie
 
2014-04-14 06:09:54 PM  
My headstone and obituary will say one thing:

"He did the needful"
 
2014-04-14 06:12:04 PM  

farkin_Gary: Bye.


Dammit.
 
2014-04-14 06:12:58 PM  

Ned Stark: Fin.


winner
 
2014-04-14 06:20:40 PM  

a4dzac: So it goes...


Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
 
2014-04-14 06:30:12 PM  
I'm coming back for the rest of you.
 
2014-04-14 06:45:31 PM  
Haha I like this old bastard! Sounds like something i would write for my obituary.
 
2014-04-14 06:49:59 PM  

Antimatter: I don't really care about my obit, so long as i'm buried properly: in an ivory casket carved from the bones of my enemies.


And a nice "leather" liner made from their skin too. Gotta have some class :D
 
2014-04-14 07:11:14 PM  

charlesmartel11235: Mistah Kurtz - he dead


I'm gonna go with "the horror, the horror". In quotes. Hopefully the neighborhood kids will have some fun with that.
 
2014-04-14 07:15:06 PM  

StreetlightInTheGhetto: charlesmartel11235: Mistah Kurtz - he dead

I'm gonna go with "the horror, the horror". In quotes. Hopefully the neighborhood kids will have some fun with that.


But I also don't want a real burial (waste of space, donating or composting is cool) so maybe I'll just buy enough space for the stone then find a way to plant some rumors about my reanimated corpse to go live after I die. Obituary hints And whatnot. Then any intrepid kids trying to dig down would find no body. Or something more fun. Hmm...

Gotta be remembered *somehow*, right?
 
2014-04-14 07:22:18 PM  
That is awesome

See ya dude
 
2014-04-14 07:39:08 PM  
Life is like a frog
Short, with warts.
 
2014-04-14 07:42:31 PM  

poot_rootbeer: For sale, baby shoes. Never worn.
(Too small.)


father and son scuba gear for sale used once.
 
2014-04-14 07:52:22 PM  

bikerbob59: The Aristocrats!


This wins for brevity.

/chronic masterbater dies doing what he loved.
 
2014-04-14 08:18:05 PM  

Creoena: My headstone and obituary will say one thing:

"He did the needful"


So you did the charitable thing and loved up some fatties ?
 
2014-04-14 08:49:57 PM  

Mikey1969: "I could name that tune in 2 notes..."

"Go ahead and name that tune.."

"I Died".

Seriously, TFA puts in a picture, but they can't come up with a picture of the farking 3-word obituary? Jesus, this "journalism" thing is going downhill faster and faster every day. Hell, they didn't even publish the LONGER one that papers came up with.


royalty issue?
 
2014-04-14 09:35:02 PM  
Always figured the Coroners report on me will include the phrase "Urban Avalanche"
 
2014-04-14 10:13:23 PM  
BRB
 
2014-04-15 07:07:19 AM  
bbsimg.ngfiles.com
 
2014-04-15 11:05:57 AM  
My tux is rented....
 
2014-04-15 11:07:21 AM  
My casket has a ten year warranty. Please dig me up in nine and half and check for leaks.....
 
2014-04-15 02:07:53 PM  

charlesmartel11235: Mistah Kurtz - he dead


You really must listen to Kenneth Branagh's reading, available on Audible.  It is a masterpiece.  I put it on my bedroom stereo almost every night when I go to bed.
 
2014-04-15 02:33:11 PM  

StreetlightInTheGhetto: StreetlightInTheGhetto: charlesmartel11235: Mistah Kurtz - he dead

I'm gonna go with "the horror, the horror". In quotes. Hopefully the neighborhood kids will have some fun with that.

But I also don't want a real burial (waste of space, donating or composting is cool) so maybe I'll just buy enough space for the stone then find a way to plant some rumors about my reanimated corpse to go live after I die. Obituary hints And whatnot. Then any intrepid kids trying to dig down would find no body. Or something more fun. Hmm...

Gotta be remembered *somehow*, right?


my dad wants to be stuffed/taxidermied and fitted with a pull string voice box with a record of his (less than useful) advice.
 
2014-04-15 02:35:05 PM  

TheGogmagog: poot_rootbeer: For sale, baby shoes. Never worn.
(Too small.)

father and son scuba gear for sale used once.


i think i just got the joke in full metal jacket when the guys are saying they'll sell some guns, never been used, only dropped once.

well, that darkens the mood.  i always thought that was merely a reference to poor quality control in our military.
 
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