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(Phoenix New Times)   Five things your sommelier really doesn't want you to do   (blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com) divider line 58
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1267 clicks; posted to FarkUs » on 11 Apr 2014 at 6:40 PM (27 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-04-11 02:40:33 PM  
Well 6, if you count "remove his penis with his corkscrew".

/can't remember what species has corkscrew shaped penis
 
2014-04-11 02:45:13 PM  

Prof. Frink: Well 6, if you count "remove his penis with his corkscrew".

/can't remember what species has corkscrew shaped penis


Pigs.
 
2014-04-11 03:55:25 PM  
7. Demand his FRESHEST wine
 
2014-04-11 04:01:00 PM  
I've worked in plenty of restaurants over the years and served plenty of wine. Wine snobs are the biggest dorks on the planet. It's farking alchoholic grape juice, get over it and drink some vodka like a real man.
 
2014-04-11 04:07:38 PM  

Benevolent Misanthrope: Prof. Frink: Well 6, if you count "remove his penis with his corkscrew".

/can't remember what species has corkscrew shaped penis

Pigs.


True facts about Ducks
 
2014-04-11 04:11:50 PM  
#8. Drink the whole bottle in a few gulps and dance naked through the restaurant ala Peter Griffin.
 
2014-04-11 04:13:57 PM  
Drink beer?
 
2014-04-11 04:15:25 PM  

Confabulat: I've worked in plenty of restaurants over the years and served plenty of wine. Wine snobs are the biggest dorks on the planet. It's farking alchoholic grape juice, get over it and drink some vodka like a real man.


Ah yes, vodak. For men so manly they don't want to taste their alcohol.
 
2014-04-11 04:15:28 PM  
9. Do any kind of research whatsoever into the absurdity of wine culture
 
2014-04-11 04:15:58 PM  
Have the most expensive red mixed with your cheapest white. Swirly straws all around.
 
2014-04-11 04:17:48 PM  
Ask for Welch's?
 
2014-04-11 04:28:11 PM  
They missed not to gulp your wine down.   Though I find drinking wine in a plastic solo cup gives it a better taste.
 
2014-04-11 04:29:41 PM  
My sommelier can suck it.
 
2014-04-11 04:30:33 PM  

God Is My Co-Pirate: Confabulat: I've worked in plenty of restaurants over the years and served plenty of wine. Wine snobs are the biggest dorks on the planet. It's farking alchoholic grape juice, get over it and drink some vodka like a real man.

Ah yes, vodak. For men so manly they don't want to taste their alcohol.


Tito's vodak is actually good at room temp.   I prefer it freezing though.
 
2014-04-11 04:32:22 PM  
Yeahm, no.
I'm not trying to impress anyone on a date.
Bring me a cuppa joe, black and some heinz for my fries.

If I feel the need for wine, I'll grab a bottle at Trader joes.
And probably end up using it for cooking for an entire year.
 
2014-04-11 04:46:34 PM  
327.  thunderbird is better than most house wines
 
2014-04-11 04:51:20 PM  
45. Ask to smell the box top.
 
2014-04-11 05:03:35 PM  
In an ill-advised attempt to embarrass a date I once stuffed the cork up my nose at a fancy restaurant and then nodded gravely at the sommelier and declared "passable, very passable".

Yeah, she didn't like that much. Sommelier wasn't particularly impressed either. I laughed anyways.
 
2014-04-11 05:05:52 PM  

God Is My Co-Pirate: Confabulat: I've worked in plenty of restaurants over the years and served plenty of wine. Wine snobs are the biggest dorks on the planet. It's farking alchoholic grape juice, get over it and drink some vodka like a real man.

Ah yes, vodak. For men so manly they don't want to taste their alcohol.


Why would I care what it tastes like?
 
2014-04-11 05:16:37 PM  
Under no circumstances should you ever order wine.
 
2014-04-11 05:24:08 PM  

Confabulat: I've worked in plenty of restaurants over the years and served plenty of wine. Wine snobs are the biggest dorks on the planet. It's farking alchoholic grape juice, get over it and drink some vodka like a real man.


I don't really favorite people but if I did you'd be the first.
 
2014-04-11 05:35:25 PM  
Chug, chug, chug...
 
2014-04-11 05:35:39 PM  
I'm a wine snob, I admit it, because I enjoy wine.  But I also know what I'm doing (as opposed to posing) and I don't do any of these things.  People that smell the cork annoy the crap out of me.

The nice thing about knowing your wine is that your sommelier is nicer to you, once they realize you are neither a dickbag nor faking it.  Either or both probably gets your wine spat in.

And most vodka is for people who don't care what their alcohol tastes like.  You may as well hook yourself up to an alcohol drip.
 
2014-04-11 05:38:41 PM  
Janusdog:

And most vodka is for people who don't care what their alcohol tastes like.  You may as well hook yourself up to an alcohol drip.

You say that like it's a BAD thing...
 
2014-04-11 05:40:30 PM  
Can I continue to ask for a dry red with hints of chocolate and cum?
 
2014-04-11 05:41:06 PM  

robmilmel: Janusdog:

And most vodka is for people who don't care what their alcohol tastes like.  You may as well hook yourself up to an alcohol drip.

You say that like it's a BAD thing...


Well, I already sin when it comes to alcohol because I have "martinis" with vodka as opposed to gin, so what do I know.
 
2014-04-11 05:46:15 PM  

Confabulat: I've worked in plenty of restaurants over the years and served plenty of wine. Wine snobs are the biggest dorks on the planet. It's farking alchoholic grape juice, get over it and drink some vodka like a real man.


upload.wikimedia.org
What alcoholic grape juice may look like.
 
2014-04-11 05:48:12 PM  

God Is My Co-Pirate: Ah yes, vodak. For men so manly they don't want to taste their alcohol.

Janusdog: And most vodka is for people who don't care what their alcohol tastes like.


You guys know that vodka has a distinct taste, right? Mebbe you should move on from Stoli.
 
2014-04-11 05:55:17 PM  

Theaetetus: God Is My Co-Pirate: Ah yes, vodak. For men so manly they don't want to taste their alcohol.
Janusdog: And most vodka is for people who don't care what their alcohol tastes like.

You guys know that vodka has a distinct taste, right? Mebbe you should move on from Stoli.


I know that.  Just feeling hyperbolic today.  Different vodkas taste differently.
 
2014-04-11 06:41:15 PM  
√-1 Stick your finger in his butthole, then in the neck of the bottle
 
2014-04-11 06:49:14 PM  

Lost Thought 00: Under no circumstances should you ever order wine.


True - bring your own and save 75%
 
2014-04-11 06:51:00 PM  

Janusdog: You may as well hook yourself up to an alcohol drip.


Yeah, I thought of that.

I know people who can tell the difference in vodkas. I'm not really one of them but there has to be some reason some vodka is more expensive than others.
 
2014-04-11 07:26:02 PM  

God Is My Co-Pirate: Confabulat: I've worked in plenty of restaurants over the years and served plenty of wine. Wine snobs are the biggest dorks on the planet. It's farking alchoholic grape juice, get over it and drink some vodka like a real man.

Ah yes, vodak. For men so manly they don't want to taste their alcohol.


Vodak is for pros.  We don't need or want your filthy congeners.

Actually, I can appreciate a great Scotch, Irish or Bourbon.  A good sourmash (Jack) Manhattan with bitters is my number two go-to drink, right after the Black Russian.  Maybe a Meyer's on the rocks, or a decent tequila neat.  Bartender turned Chef, so there you go.
 
2014-04-11 07:41:46 PM  
img.fark.net
 
2014-04-11 09:40:56 PM  

Mugato: Janusdog: You may as well hook yourself up to an alcohol drip.

Yeah, I thought of that.

I know people who can tell the difference in vodkas. I'm not really one of them but there has to be some reason some vodka is more expensive than others.


The best vodkas seem to just be more and more filtered.  You're paying so that you can taste less of the random crap left over after fermentation and distillation.  For the same reason, lots of people drink vodka ice-cold; you taste almost nothing that way so it goes down more smoothly.

This is why I only use vodka to mix with juice/soda, or I guess if I just felt like getting drunk and not tasting anything I'd go for vodka too, but that's not particularly my thing.
 
2014-04-12 12:44:28 AM  
Tip him?  Good, fark him and his subtle oak notes right in his ear.
 
2014-04-12 02:34:44 AM  
Drink what I like?

Scans list...

It's not on there

Fark it.  Give me a beer instead.
 
2014-04-12 05:45:32 AM  
999. Realize that he and his kind are pretentious asses. Seriously. I like a bit of wine every now and again (mostly drink bourbon though) and have definitely noticed that almost anything over $10 a bottle (BevMo price) is really quite good. Once you get above $20 a bottle you're in the land of diminishing returns on your investment. 99% of what you're paying for with a $100 wine is a fancier label and a better marketing department.

Learning about wine can be a quick and easy process. Go taste some wines. Note the types that you like and then drink them. At a good restaurant tell the server what you like and they should be able to suggest some wines. Pick one. Enjoy it.

Do check to see if the wine is corked when you sample it. If it's corked it will smell musty, like an old wine cellar. In the decades that I've been drinking wine I've only come across two corked bottles of wine. Sommeliers will tell you that about 1% of bottles are corked so maybe I"ve just been lucky.
 
2014-04-12 09:27:10 AM  

LordZorch: Lost Thought 00: Under no circumstances should you ever order wine.

True - bring your own and save 75%


Less the $20 corkage fee.
 
2014-04-12 01:29:52 PM  

Mr. Coffee Nerves: 7. Demand his FRESHEST wine




Obligatory
/apologies for the low quality
 
2014-04-12 03:37:51 PM  
17,  Ask for a fruit garnish with an umbrella.

BSABSVR: Can I continue to ask for a dry red with hints of chocolate and cum?


Hey everybody, Paris Hilton's posting!
 
2014-04-12 04:16:02 PM  
I'll drink my wine how I damn well please and if the minimum wage server in the restaurant doesn't like it, he can turn down the tip I will offer at the end of the meal.

Calling them sommeliers is as stupid as calling the minimum wage workers at Starbuck's "baristas".  They don't have any significant knowledge about the product they're serving.  There really isn't any special skill involved in opening a wine bottle or pouring a cup of coffee.   Drunks and waitresses have been opening wine bottles and pouring coffee for others for thousands of years.  They did have coffee and waitresses in Ancient Rome, didn't they?  If not, no wonder the empire collapsed.

With all that said, if I'm ordering wine in a restaurant, I'm probably trying to impress some chick in which case I'm probably making a lot of other mistakes at the same time.
 
2014-04-12 04:42:47 PM  

gfid: I'll drink my wine how I damn well please and if the minimum wage server in the restaurant doesn't like it, he can turn down the tip I will offer at the end of the meal.

Calling them sommeliers is as stupid as calling the minimum wage workers at Starbuck's "baristas".  They don't have any significant knowledge about the product they're serving.  There really isn't any special skill involved in opening a wine bottle or pouring a cup of coffee.   Drunks and waitresses have been opening wine bottles and pouring coffee for others for thousands of years.  They did have coffee and waitresses in Ancient Rome, didn't they?  If not, no wonder the empire collapsed.

With all that said, if I'm ordering wine in a restaurant, I'm probably trying to impress some chick in which case I'm probably making a lot of other mistakes at the same time.



A Master Sommelier certification will set someone back at least $6000 for coursework and exams and take several years to accumulate enough experience for the certification. A Starbucks barista they ain't.
 
2014-04-12 05:26:47 PM  

Confabulat: get over it and drink some vodka like a real man.


You misspelled "whisky".
 
2014-04-12 05:32:16 PM  
Don't sniff the cork.
Sniffing it just lets your somm know that you are a neophyte who is trying to show off.


I'm not showing off asshole, I'm trying to figure out if I really like what you're selling me. Also I just like the smell of wine.
 
2014-04-12 05:33:37 PM  

Rand's lacy underwear: Don't sniff the cork.
Sniffing it just lets your somm know that you are a neophyte who is trying to show off.

I'm not showing off asshole, I'm trying to figure out if I really like what you're selling me. Also I just like the smell of wine.


And I just realized I'm also "a spaz who has to play with the toy you just gave me."
 
2014-04-12 05:42:20 PM  
A few years ago I went out to dinner with my family. We got some wine. Since I had taken a wine class in college, it fell to me to do the sample taste. The wine was corked. Had my brother try it, and he concurred. We refused it, and then the sommelier came back with a new bottle (which was OK). As he poured it, he said, "I'm sorry  you didn't likethe last bottle," as if failing to appreciate vinegar was somehow the fault of my unrefined palette.
 
2014-04-12 06:25:13 PM  

ManifestDestiny: A Master Sommelier certification will set someone back at least $6000 for coursework and exams and take several years to accumulate enough experience for the certification. A Starbucks barista they ain't.


So I looked up "Master Sommelier" and found this:   http://www.mastersommeliers.org/Pages.aspx/Membership

It says:

There are now 135 professionals who have earned the title Master Sommelier in North America.  Of those, 116 are men and 19 are women.  There are 214 professionals worldwide who have received the title of Master Sommelier since the first Master Sommelier Diploma Exam.

That's a pretty exclusive club.  I've been to a handful of very nice restaurants in my lifetime, but I sort of doubt I've ever been served wine by a "Master Sommelier".  On the occasions I have ordered bottles of wine in a restaurant, it's just been the waiter or waitress giving me whatever I asked for and going through the charade of handing me the cork and pouring a sample.

It's an interesting career path though.  I guess you get to serve over-priced wine to rich people if that's what you want to do.

It sounds like a scam to me.  The "Court of Master Sommeliers" is younger than I am.  Are they really trying to claim there were no wine experts before 1969?
 
2014-04-12 08:30:35 PM  

MylesHeartVodak: God Is My Co-Pirate: Confabulat: I've worked in plenty of restaurants over the years and served plenty of wine. Wine snobs are the biggest dorks on the planet. It's farking alchoholic grape juice, get over it and drink some vodka like a real man.

Ah yes, vodak. For men so manly they don't want to taste their alcohol.

Vodak is for pros.  We don't need or want your filthy congeners.

Actually, I can appreciate a great Scotch, Irish or Bourbon.  A good sourmash (Jack) Manhattan with bitters is my number two go-to drink, right after the Black Russian.  Maybe a Meyer's on the rocks, or a decent tequila neat.  Bartender turned Chef, so there you go.


Vodak here for me as well.  As you say, no little nasties that give me hangovers or allergic symptoms, and I can have hair of the dog the next morning in my juice.
 
2014-04-12 08:58:27 PM  
The only people who sniff the cork are people who don't know squat about wine.  You feel the cork to make sure it isn't dried out, which suggests the bottle may not have had a proper seal.  If you sniff the cork, you will smell cork.
 
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